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1
00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:14,230
Matteo, my son,
he loves Halloween,
2
00:00:14,231 --> 00:00:19,888
and we were told we must see the
haunted house on Rose Street.
3
00:00:19,889 --> 00:00:21,803
- Ready? Okay.
- Yeah.
4
00:00:21,804 --> 00:00:24,066
I took him,
and it was the worst
5
00:00:24,067 --> 00:00:27,156
haunted house in Toledo,
if not the entire planet.
6
00:00:27,157 --> 00:00:28,550
Okay.
7
00:00:29,725 --> 00:00:32,248
Nothing was scary.
8
00:00:32,249 --> 00:00:34,729
Nothing.
9
00:00:34,730 --> 00:00:39,038
"Evacuation plan."
Get ready to run away.
10
00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:43,303
"Slippery when wet."
11
00:00:43,304 --> 00:00:46,697
Oh, look, the giant. A giant.
12
00:00:46,698 --> 00:00:50,832
There was one jump scare
in the evil vegetarian kitchen.
13
00:00:50,833 --> 00:00:52,355
Aah!
14
00:00:52,356 --> 00:00:54,879
But at least they saved
the best for last.
15
00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:59,145
Oh, finally.
Frankenstein's laboratory.
16
00:00:59,146 --> 00:01:00,537
Are you ready for this?
17
00:01:00,538 --> 00:01:02,061
Yeah!
18
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,279
Hey!
19
00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:04,759
They couldn't afford
the costume,
20
00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:06,456
so they put
Frankenstein in a tub.
21
00:01:06,457 --> 00:01:08,110
Scary? Not.
22
00:01:08,111 --> 00:01:10,765
But more nudity
than I expected.
23
00:01:10,766 --> 00:01:14,290
He was stitched together
from dead people.
24
00:01:14,291 --> 00:01:15,771
Triple bypass.
25
00:01:17,599 --> 00:01:19,078
Matteo is a genius.
26
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:20,644
He put it perfectly.
27
00:01:20,645 --> 00:01:23,560
"Mom, this is
the halfway house."
28
00:01:23,561 --> 00:01:27,869
I said, "Amore, yes, halfway
between scary and a rip-off."
29
00:01:27,870 --> 00:01:30,741
In fact, I decided
to write a review.
30
00:01:30,742 --> 00:01:34,224
"What to Fear at the Haunted
House on Rose Street?
31
00:01:35,617 --> 00:01:36,573
Nothing."
32
00:01:36,574 --> 00:01:37,835
- Hey, B.
- Huh?
33
00:01:37,836 --> 00:01:39,402
Can you please
clean it up for me
34
00:01:39,403 --> 00:01:41,665
and put it online? Thank you.-Mm-hm.
35
00:01:41,666 --> 00:01:43,406
Esmeralda's a good writer,
36
00:01:43,407 --> 00:01:46,497
but she makes spelling mistakes,
coming from Norway.
37
00:01:50,588 --> 00:01:52,720
All right.
This baby's ready to go.
38
00:02:22,620 --> 00:02:25,319
Just a little drop will do.
39
00:02:27,016 --> 00:02:29,887
Oh, my God. Detrick! Travis!
40
00:02:29,888 --> 00:02:32,761
The cop from the bar just wrote
back. My office, ASAP.
41
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,980
Last week we went out
for margaritas
42
00:02:35,981 --> 00:02:37,330
and urgent care nurses,
43
00:02:37,331 --> 00:02:39,897
but I found something
even better.
44
00:02:39,898 --> 00:02:40,898
A cop.
45
00:02:40,899 --> 00:02:42,291
So I said to him,
46
00:02:42,292 --> 00:02:43,553
"We should hang out sometime."
47
00:02:43,554 --> 00:02:45,903
And he just got back,
"How's today?"
48
00:02:45,904 --> 00:02:47,341
- Mmm.
- So, what do I say?
49
00:02:48,603 --> 00:02:50,343
- How about yes?
- Do you wanna hang out?
50
00:02:50,344 --> 00:02:52,997
Yes. We desperately need
a source at the police station.
51
00:02:52,998 --> 00:02:56,479
But it's just happening so fast.
I don't know how to... Um...
52
00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:58,177
All right,
I'm just gonna say yes. Yes.
53
00:02:58,178 --> 00:03:00,657
Or no.
Maybe I just like his text?
54
00:03:00,658 --> 00:03:02,093
- Yeah.
- He can't hear this.
55
00:03:02,094 --> 00:03:03,225
- No.
- Can he?
56
00:03:03,226 --> 00:03:04,357
- Okay.
- I don't think so.
57
00:03:04,358 --> 00:03:06,315
Well, "Sick, dude."
58
00:03:06,316 --> 00:03:07,795
- Perfect.
- And crying-eyes emoji.
59
00:03:07,796 --> 00:03:08,970
No?
No?
60
00:03:08,971 --> 00:03:10,058
No, no, no, lose the emoji.
No emoji.
61
00:03:10,059 --> 00:03:11,190
- No emoji.
- Why?
62
00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:12,800
People love emojis, I thought.
63
00:03:12,801 --> 00:03:14,541
Well,
I don't think cops love emojis.
64
00:03:14,542 --> 00:03:17,283
You gotta text with your balls,
Ned. Just do it sloppy.
65
00:03:17,284 --> 00:03:18,806
Oh, uh, yeah.
66
00:03:18,807 --> 00:03:22,853
"Maybe a ride-along or some
shit." -Yeah.
67
00:03:22,854 --> 00:03:25,247
- Mm-hm.
- Yeah. -Sloppy.
68
00:03:25,248 --> 00:03:26,727
- Yeah?
- He's typing.
69
00:03:26,728 --> 00:03:27,858
- Typing.
- Typing.
70
00:03:27,859 --> 00:03:29,556
"Did you go to college?"
71
00:03:29,557 --> 00:03:30,557
Too sloppy.
72
00:03:30,558 --> 00:03:32,820
Shoot. Yup.
73
00:03:32,821 --> 00:03:34,996
I'm just busy.
I just say I'm busy.
74
00:03:34,997 --> 00:03:36,476
- Just be honest.
- Sent.
75
00:03:36,477 --> 00:03:39,348
Okay.
Okay. -Mm-hm.
76
00:03:39,349 --> 00:03:41,350
"Gun range in one hour." -Nice.
77
00:03:41,351 --> 00:03:42,612
- Ooh!
- Okay.
78
00:03:42,613 --> 00:03:43,874
There you go.
- There you go.
79
00:03:43,875 --> 00:03:46,355
Sweet. "Okay to bring my crew?"
80
00:03:46,356 --> 00:03:47,835
- Yes, yes?
- You want us to come?
81
00:03:47,836 --> 00:03:50,185
- Yeah if you would like. Yes.
- Sure.
82
00:03:50,186 --> 00:03:52,970
- Thumbs up. [laughing] Oh!
- Nice, man.
83
00:03:52,971 --> 00:03:53,971
Good job, Ned.
84
00:03:53,972 --> 00:03:55,886
It is a date. Heart eyes.
85
00:03:55,887 --> 00:03:57,236
- No, no, no.
- No?
86
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,759
No. No.
87
00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:01,152
Hey, guys.
Don't forget ear plugs.
88
00:04:02,764 --> 00:04:05,114
- Hey, I'm coming too.
- Awesome.
89
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:07,811
People aren't going
to shoot guns
90
00:04:07,812 --> 00:04:09,857
during work hours without me.
91
00:04:09,858 --> 00:04:11,989
I still don't know
why Mare lied last week.
92
00:04:11,990 --> 00:04:13,643
You'd only lie
to your best friend
93
00:04:13,644 --> 00:04:16,385
if you didn't wanna hurt
their feelings
94
00:04:16,386 --> 00:04:21,695
or if you recently
became addicted to drugs.
95
00:04:21,696 --> 00:04:24,001
- Hey, dork.
- Hey.
96
00:04:24,002 --> 00:04:26,177
Yesterday, I found a coffee can
under your car.
97
00:04:26,178 --> 00:04:28,789
Guess what was in it?
A thousand dollars.
98
00:04:28,790 --> 00:04:30,660
- No way. That's amazing.
- Yeah.
99
00:04:30,661 --> 00:04:32,532
It's free money.
You can have 500.
100
00:04:32,533 --> 00:04:34,708
No, Nicole,
that's your money.
101
00:04:34,709 --> 00:04:37,058
- You sure?
- Yeah.
102
00:04:37,059 --> 00:04:40,322
You can spend it on anything.
Nobody would know.
103
00:04:40,323 --> 00:04:44,065
Uh, no thanks. Look, can we talk
about this later? I gotta go.
104
00:04:44,066 --> 00:04:46,373
- Later, dork. Bye.
- Bye. Hey, Trav?
105
00:04:49,463 --> 00:04:51,420
- Pew!
- I'm obviously relieved
106
00:04:51,421 --> 00:04:53,901
she doesn't have a drug problem.
107
00:04:53,902 --> 00:04:55,903
But since there's only one
other thing
108
00:04:55,904 --> 00:04:57,426
she would keep
secret from me,
109
00:04:57,427 --> 00:05:00,647
I think it's pretty obvious
what's happening.
110
00:05:00,648 --> 00:05:02,519
Mare has a new best friend.
111
00:05:03,390 --> 00:05:05,739
I wonder who she could be.
112
00:05:05,740 --> 00:05:08,307
All right, remember,
the paper needs the police.
113
00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:11,875
We need them. We feed off
their tips like a parasitic...
114
00:05:11,876 --> 00:05:14,400
What's more noble
than a parasitic worm?
115
00:05:14,401 --> 00:05:17,359
- An eagle?
- Yes. Like parasitic eagles.
116
00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:19,970
So I will be saying
certain things to them
117
00:05:19,971 --> 00:05:21,885
to make sure that they like us.
118
00:05:21,886 --> 00:05:23,452
So just play along.
119
00:05:25,890 --> 00:05:28,283
- Using notes.
- Budweiser.
120
00:05:28,284 --> 00:05:29,329
Perps.
121
00:05:30,721 --> 00:05:31,983
Three fifty-seven.
122
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,073
Coors. Coors.
123
00:05:36,466 --> 00:05:38,424
Oh, they got snacks.
124
00:05:38,425 --> 00:05:42,253
Jalapeño garbage pail fries
with monkey sauce. Ew.
125
00:05:42,254 --> 00:05:44,168
- I bet they use seed oils.
- Oh, that reminds me.
126
00:05:44,169 --> 00:05:46,301
There is a brutal takedown
of Guy Fieri's restaurant
127
00:05:46,302 --> 00:05:49,304
in the New York Times.
It is an iconic review.
128
00:05:49,305 --> 00:05:50,610
Coors.
Coors.
129
00:05:50,611 --> 00:05:52,002
Buffalo Wild Wings.
- Hey, Ned.
130
00:05:52,003 --> 00:05:53,656
Hey. Hank. How you doing?
131
00:05:53,657 --> 00:05:55,049
- Good.
- Good to see you.
132
00:05:55,050 --> 00:05:57,181
This here is Detrick,
this is Travis.
133
00:05:57,182 --> 00:05:59,880
This little shorty here
is Mare. She's cool.
134
00:05:59,881 --> 00:06:01,795
- This your first time, Mare?
- Hell, no.
135
00:06:01,796 --> 00:06:03,013
Three years
in the 68th Armored.
136
00:06:03,014 --> 00:06:04,711
- Oh-ho-ho! Wow.
- Wow.
137
00:06:04,712 --> 00:06:06,190
Thanks for your service.
138
00:06:06,191 --> 00:06:08,105
Mare here has popped more caps
than a milliner.
139
00:06:08,106 --> 00:06:10,717
- Jesus, Ned.
- It's a hat-maker.
140
00:06:10,718 --> 00:06:12,022
You guys want some snacks?
141
00:06:12,023 --> 00:06:13,415
You gotta try
the garbage pail fries.
142
00:06:13,416 --> 00:06:14,938
Do you know
if they use seed oil?
143
00:06:14,939 --> 00:06:16,853
- Shut up, Lisa. Ha-ha.
- Ow! Shit.
144
00:06:16,854 --> 00:06:18,507
Garbage pail's right here,
am I right?
145
00:06:18,508 --> 00:06:20,596
Load them in.
146
00:06:20,597 --> 00:06:23,425
So you guys
have any crossbows?
147
00:06:23,426 --> 00:06:25,384
No.
148
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:28,648
For real? Look,
I'll just take that pistol.
149
00:06:28,649 --> 00:06:30,780
So how long have you
worked at a paper?
150
00:06:30,781 --> 00:06:32,695
You ever think about radio news?
151
00:06:32,696 --> 00:06:34,567
I mean, radio's better
than paper, right?
152
00:06:34,568 --> 00:06:38,440
Radio's, uh, pretty cool,
especially classic rock.
153
00:06:38,441 --> 00:06:40,529
The Eagles, am I right?
154
00:06:40,530 --> 00:06:41,791
The thing about news is,
155
00:06:41,792 --> 00:06:43,314
you're only as good
as your sources.
156
00:06:43,315 --> 00:06:44,446
Well, fair's fair.
157
00:06:44,447 --> 00:06:45,534
I mean, if a guy slips you
158
00:06:45,535 --> 00:06:47,188
something good off the record
159
00:06:47,189 --> 00:06:50,017
and you make him look good
and he gets a promotion,
160
00:06:50,018 --> 00:06:51,671
well, you get better stuff
next time.
161
00:06:51,672 --> 00:06:52,672
- Mm-hm.
- Couldn't agree more.
162
00:06:52,673 --> 00:06:53,977
Oh, yeah.
163
00:06:53,978 --> 00:06:55,501
And you'd never show
body cam footage, right?
164
00:06:55,502 --> 00:06:57,155
Shut the [bleep] up, Bobby.
165
00:06:58,505 --> 00:07:00,549
Body cams are a great tool
for accountability.
166
00:07:00,550 --> 00:07:02,551
- Yep.
- What are you shooting, Mare?
167
00:07:02,552 --> 00:07:03,987
Desert Eagle.
168
00:07:03,988 --> 00:07:05,424
I know it's not
the most practical,
169
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:06,468
but I can't help myself.
170
00:07:06,469 --> 00:07:07,687
You can handle the kick?
171
00:07:07,688 --> 00:07:09,689
Easy, Bobby.
Keep it in your pants.
172
00:07:09,690 --> 00:07:12,301
Bobby, why don't you go check
on the car?
173
00:07:13,302 --> 00:07:14,825
Humiliating.
174
00:07:16,392 --> 00:07:18,915
Sorry about that, guys.
Dayton transfer.
175
00:07:18,916 --> 00:07:20,917
Dayton. I should have guessed
with that face.
176
00:07:22,790 --> 00:07:25,879
- Hey. Let's light these up.
- Let's rain some lead.
177
00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:27,620
- Yeah.
- All right. Come on.
178
00:07:27,621 --> 00:07:29,100
Crushing it.
179
00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:32,842
Nice, nice.
180
00:07:34,541 --> 00:07:38,065
I'm bringing cases
on all you bitches, huh?
181
00:07:38,066 --> 00:07:39,675
Oh, oh!
182
00:07:39,676 --> 00:07:43,940
- King Kong ain't got shit on me.
- Detrick? Detrick. Just--
183
00:07:43,941 --> 00:07:45,681
- Come on.
- Oh.
184
00:07:45,682 --> 00:07:48,468
King Kong ain't got shit on me.
185
00:07:53,603 --> 00:07:55,386
- Damn.
- Dang.
186
00:07:55,387 --> 00:07:56,519
- Mm!
- Wow!
187
00:08:02,133 --> 00:08:03,743
Hank.
188
00:08:03,744 --> 00:08:07,051
First Amendment, Second
Amendment, best of friends.
189
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,370
- What was that?
- That was you.
190
00:08:22,371 --> 00:08:24,633
Unless there's
a second-grade girl behind you.
191
00:08:24,634 --> 00:08:27,506
No, what...? What bit me?
192
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:30,247
- What?
- Something just bit me
on the ankle.
193
00:08:30,248 --> 00:08:31,466
Jesus Christ.
194
00:08:31,467 --> 00:08:33,381
What? Like a snake?
195
00:08:33,382 --> 00:08:35,252
Get your head
out of your ass, Bobby.
196
00:08:35,253 --> 00:08:38,038
It wasn't a snake. This is
a gun range. It was like a rat.
197
00:08:38,039 --> 00:08:41,258
A fricking rat just ran out
and bit my ankle,
198
00:08:41,259 --> 00:08:42,999
just when I was
shooting my pistol.
199
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:46,220
- A rat?
- Yes. Goddamn it. I hate rats.
200
00:08:46,221 --> 00:08:49,310
Ned? Ned.
201
00:08:49,311 --> 00:08:51,442
- It bit you?
- Did you see it?
202
00:08:51,443 --> 00:08:52,705
No. Are...?
203
00:08:52,706 --> 00:08:54,576
- Damn it.
- Can I just see--? Okay.
204
00:08:54,577 --> 00:08:56,709
Okay. Let's just...
205
00:09:01,453 --> 00:09:02,889
Ned, are you okay?
206
00:09:02,890 --> 00:09:05,283
Goddamn it.
It broke the skin. Shit.
207
00:09:09,244 --> 00:09:10,897
Hey.
208
00:09:10,898 --> 00:09:12,289
It was definitely a rat.
209
00:09:12,290 --> 00:09:14,857
It was a brown rat.
It bit me and ran off.
210
00:09:14,858 --> 00:09:16,424
- Where?
- I don't know, Hank.
211
00:09:16,425 --> 00:09:17,991
The rat hole?
212
00:09:17,992 --> 00:09:20,471
Damn it, Ephraim, do we really
have freaking rats here?
213
00:09:20,472 --> 00:09:21,648
I hate rats.
214
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:27,870
Can you show us
where it got you?
215
00:09:27,871 --> 00:09:29,002
No, no, no, 'cause it's...
216
00:09:29,003 --> 00:09:31,092
- No, we need to see.
- Sure.
217
00:09:32,789 --> 00:09:35,269
It's not a big deal.
I'll live.
218
00:09:35,270 --> 00:09:37,314
Ugh! -Mare:
219
00:09:37,315 --> 00:09:40,143
- Gnarly, man.
- Yep, vicious little bastard.
220
00:09:40,144 --> 00:09:42,624
Hey. Don't worry, man.
When we catch it,
221
00:09:42,625 --> 00:09:43,930
you can blow it away.
222
00:09:43,931 --> 00:09:45,759
It would be my pleasure, Hank.
223
00:09:47,021 --> 00:09:48,631
- Hey, Esmeralda.
- Yes?
224
00:09:49,763 --> 00:09:53,113
Your piece
on the Rose Street House
225
00:09:53,114 --> 00:09:56,333
is something else.
I'm actually moved.
226
00:09:56,334 --> 00:09:58,901
Everyone is
talking about my review
227
00:09:58,902 --> 00:10:01,556
of the Halloween House,
you know?
228
00:10:01,557 --> 00:10:04,559
It's a sensation.
229
00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:09,303
"Thank you for writing this.
These people aren't monsters."
230
00:10:09,304 --> 00:10:12,175
I know, they're not.
That's why it's lame.
231
00:10:12,176 --> 00:10:15,832
"Finally, an article from you
that didn't suck."
232
00:10:18,008 --> 00:10:19,313
Someone gets it.
233
00:10:19,314 --> 00:10:21,315
If Mare thinks she can drop me
234
00:10:21,316 --> 00:10:22,533
as her best friend,
235
00:10:22,534 --> 00:10:24,057
she should know
that it's gonna be
236
00:10:24,058 --> 00:10:26,146
a very soft landing.
237
00:10:26,147 --> 00:10:27,974
I had a different
best friend before Mare.
238
00:10:27,975 --> 00:10:29,236
I can just go back to her.
239
00:10:29,237 --> 00:10:31,021
Hey, Lola. Free for lunch?
240
00:10:32,849 --> 00:10:34,850
You got a lot of nerve
coming back here.
241
00:10:34,851 --> 00:10:36,678
- I know.
- No, no.
242
00:10:36,679 --> 00:10:41,945
I-I do not get involved with the
lives of my coworkers, period.
243
00:10:44,513 --> 00:10:48,081
But things between Adelola
and Nicole haven't been the same
244
00:10:48,082 --> 00:10:51,214
since Nicole and Mare
became best friends.
245
00:10:51,215 --> 00:10:53,652
Also, Nicole's
college friend Krysta
246
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,784
was talking shit
about Adelola,
247
00:10:55,785 --> 00:10:57,699
and Nicole
did not have her back.
248
00:10:57,700 --> 00:10:59,614
So...
249
00:10:59,615 --> 00:11:00,876
I guess you forgot
I like the ones
250
00:11:00,877 --> 00:11:02,357
that you can peel apart.
251
00:11:03,488 --> 00:11:05,315
- Oh.
- I like to call it
252
00:11:05,316 --> 00:11:07,404
The Real Single Ladies
of Toledo.
253
00:11:07,405 --> 00:11:08,928
If you don't know
the backstory,
254
00:11:08,929 --> 00:11:10,886
these guys were hot
and heavy lunch buds.
255
00:11:10,887 --> 00:11:13,933
Then Mare gets hired,
for a while it's a three-way.
256
00:11:13,934 --> 00:11:17,023
Until one day, Mare shows up
with only two boba teas
257
00:11:17,024 --> 00:11:19,721
and Adelola,
she gets left out.
258
00:11:19,722 --> 00:11:21,810
It was brutal.
259
00:11:21,811 --> 00:11:23,682
You're a fan too?
260
00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,335
This show gives me
a reason to live.
261
00:11:25,336 --> 00:11:26,686
It's fine.
262
00:11:29,514 --> 00:11:32,691
Honestly, guys,
I'm gonna be fine. It's fine.
263
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:34,040
I'm worried that
you lost a lot of blood.
264
00:11:34,041 --> 00:11:35,737
Your foot is like,
snow white.
265
00:11:35,738 --> 00:11:37,086
His whole leg's white.
266
00:11:37,087 --> 00:11:39,045
- Then why is the bite blue?
- Okay.
267
00:11:39,046 --> 00:11:41,047
"Rat bites can turn blue
with the presence of
268
00:11:41,048 --> 00:11:43,092
Streptobacillus moniliformis."
269
00:11:43,093 --> 00:11:44,703
- That sounds awful.
- Yes. Yes.
270
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,052
You're not gonna sue, yeah?
271
00:11:46,053 --> 00:11:48,924
I mean, still
the two amendments, right?
272
00:11:48,925 --> 00:11:50,796
Forget about it.
273
00:11:50,797 --> 00:11:52,711
I think we gotta catch
this rat, sir.
274
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,016
Make sure it's not rabid.
275
00:11:54,017 --> 00:11:55,626
It's not rabid, Travis.
276
00:11:55,627 --> 00:12:00,719
And Hank, ain't nobody suing
nobody, all right?
277
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,939
This has been super fun, guys.
I'll catch you again.
278
00:12:03,940 --> 00:12:05,289
Oh, and Hank?
279
00:12:06,508 --> 00:12:08,815
Hit me up if you got any tips.
280
00:12:11,034 --> 00:12:13,383
We have to write this up, right?
281
00:12:13,384 --> 00:12:15,516
I mean, there could be rabies.
282
00:12:15,517 --> 00:12:17,824
You really think
there's rabies in this town?
283
00:12:18,781 --> 00:12:20,347
I have nieces.
284
00:12:20,348 --> 00:12:22,871
There's way worse diseases
than rabies out there.
285
00:12:22,872 --> 00:12:24,873
You ever heard
of the Black Death?
286
00:12:24,874 --> 00:12:26,701
It would make you wish
for rabies.
287
00:12:26,702 --> 00:12:28,659
Kendra, I'm not telling you
how to parent.
288
00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:31,271
I'm just saying, tell them
not to play with rats.
289
00:12:31,272 --> 00:12:32,794
Why is this a fight?
290
00:12:32,795 --> 00:12:34,970
I know
that you don't wanna
lose your new source,
291
00:12:34,971 --> 00:12:37,320
but this is a potential
public health hazard.
292
00:12:37,321 --> 00:12:38,931
Mare.
293
00:12:38,932 --> 00:12:42,412
People don't buy the paper
to read about us, all right?
294
00:12:42,413 --> 00:12:44,371
There's no section
called "The Editor's Ankle."
295
00:12:44,372 --> 00:12:47,114
- Yeah.
- So let's just get back to work.
296
00:12:51,596 --> 00:12:54,207
I don't think we should listen
to Ned on this one.
297
00:12:54,208 --> 00:12:56,252
Uh... Okay.
298
00:12:56,253 --> 00:12:58,777
He's putting the paper first
like usual.
299
00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,300
He doesn't wanna lose
his new source,
300
00:13:00,301 --> 00:13:01,562
and he'd rather
let his foot fall off
301
00:13:01,563 --> 00:13:03,259
than advocate for himself.
302
00:13:03,260 --> 00:13:05,958
Why don't you guys go pull
the snack bar's health records?
303
00:13:05,959 --> 00:13:07,742
Okay?
I'm gonna find some rat experts.
304
00:13:07,743 --> 00:13:09,439
All right. We're on it.
305
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:11,224
Just you and me on this one,
Trick.
306
00:13:12,704 --> 00:13:15,750
So I've been called D,
Big D, Detective Rick,
307
00:13:15,751 --> 00:13:18,318
Debt with a B, Detrick,
give me more.
308
00:13:18,319 --> 00:13:19,667
Like, honestly, it's hard for me
309
00:13:19,668 --> 00:13:21,277
to find nicknames
I don't vibe with.
310
00:13:21,278 --> 00:13:23,627
But Travis has a gift for it.
311
00:13:23,628 --> 00:13:26,849
- The Icky-Tricky Boys,
back at it.
- Yep.
312
00:13:31,549 --> 00:13:32,767
There you are.
313
00:13:32,768 --> 00:13:35,161
So I hear your mom's in town--
314
00:13:35,162 --> 00:13:37,077
- No ketchup?
- Uh--
315
00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:40,036
Yeah. Of course.
316
00:13:43,039 --> 00:13:45,649
Oh, Nicole.
Fetching condiments.
317
00:13:45,650 --> 00:13:48,000
The ultimate lunchtime
humiliation.
318
00:13:48,001 --> 00:13:49,610
That's why I love Adarina.
319
00:13:49,611 --> 00:13:51,438
She's gonna make you work
for it. You want back in?
320
00:13:51,439 --> 00:13:52,918
You'll be crawling
on your knees.
321
00:13:52,919 --> 00:13:54,833
- Adelola.
- Whatever.
322
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:58,837
The positive comments
from my article keep rolling in.
323
00:14:00,361 --> 00:14:02,144
And now I have an invitation
324
00:14:02,145 --> 00:14:07,976
from NPR to talk to someone
named Gross Terry.
325
00:14:07,977 --> 00:14:12,415
He is probably
one
of those obnoxious morning DJs.
326
00:14:12,416 --> 00:14:14,941
Should I do it?
Or should I blow him off?
327
00:14:18,727 --> 00:14:19,946
Ahh!
328
00:14:23,514 --> 00:14:26,908
I heard that you have been
bitten by a rat.
329
00:14:26,909 --> 00:14:30,607
- Yeah.
- What a weird thing to happen to
a man.
330
00:14:30,608 --> 00:14:32,871
They usually eat garbage.
331
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,961
Are you garbage, Ned?
332
00:14:36,484 --> 00:14:39,529
The universe has no reason
to punish me.
333
00:14:39,530 --> 00:14:42,315
But if it did,
Esmeralda getting a Terry Gross
334
00:14:42,316 --> 00:14:45,100
interview on Fresh Air today
for her progressive editorial
335
00:14:45,101 --> 00:14:48,234
would be an effective way
of doing so.
336
00:14:48,235 --> 00:14:50,714
Who was the real victim here?
337
00:14:50,715 --> 00:14:53,935
Ned with the gun,
or the little rat,
338
00:14:53,936 --> 00:14:56,416
who was probably
a single parent?
339
00:14:56,417 --> 00:14:59,375
Uh-huh. And why would it run
towards a loud sound
340
00:14:59,376 --> 00:15:00,550
like a gunshot?
341
00:15:00,551 --> 00:15:02,074
You got the photo I sent, right?
342
00:15:02,075 --> 00:15:03,597
It doesn't look
like a rat bite.
343
00:15:03,598 --> 00:15:05,338
How do you explain the wound?
344
00:15:05,339 --> 00:15:07,775
Um... Maybe a Bic?
345
00:15:07,776 --> 00:15:10,560
- What?
- Or a Uni-Ball?
346
00:15:10,561 --> 00:15:12,258
Uh-- No. No.
347
00:15:12,259 --> 00:15:15,435
We have visual confirmation
that it was definitely a rat.
348
00:15:15,436 --> 00:15:17,393
Thank you for your time. Bye.
349
00:15:19,962 --> 00:15:21,963
- Hey.
- What's up, Mare?
350
00:15:21,964 --> 00:15:24,923
- How'd it go?
- So the snack bar's records came
back spotless.
351
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:26,228
Passed every inspection.
No rats, no droppings ever.
352
00:15:27,622 --> 00:15:30,058
Ephraim is really tearing
himself up about this.
353
00:15:30,059 --> 00:15:33,844
- Ephraim?
- Ephraim Nikoliades. Lovely man.
354
00:15:33,845 --> 00:15:35,585
Can you guys go back
one more time?
355
00:15:35,586 --> 00:15:37,848
And just check the outside
of the gun range?
356
00:15:37,849 --> 00:15:39,328
If the rat
isn't from the kitchen,
357
00:15:39,329 --> 00:15:40,634
where is it coming from?
358
00:15:40,635 --> 00:15:42,811
You want us to go look
for a rat hive?
359
00:15:43,768 --> 00:15:45,465
- Get moving.
- Okay.
360
00:15:45,466 --> 00:15:46,641
Okay.
361
00:15:47,859 --> 00:15:51,079
- It's crazy, man.
- Yeah, crazy. Come on.
362
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:55,475
All right. Come on, Tricky J.
D-Bag Slim.
363
00:15:55,476 --> 00:15:56,955
What's going on with these two?
364
00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:58,391
I don't know, don't care.
365
00:15:58,392 --> 00:16:00,959
Not interested
in the dynamics with men.
366
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,569
Hm.
367
00:16:02,570 --> 00:16:04,658
- Tricky Diddles.
- Stop.
368
00:16:04,659 --> 00:16:06,355
I really think
we need to get back
369
00:16:06,356 --> 00:16:07,966
to the Glass Club crusade.
370
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:10,098
I'm not gonna stop
the rat story,
371
00:16:10,099 --> 00:16:12,274
but it is a very small story.
372
00:16:12,275 --> 00:16:14,755
It's probably more, like,
one line in the police blotter.
373
00:16:14,756 --> 00:16:16,626
Because I'm not-- I'm fine.
374
00:16:16,627 --> 00:16:18,193
Adam?
375
00:16:18,194 --> 00:16:21,980
- Hi, honey. How was the doctor?
- I'm pregnant again.
376
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:24,156
No, you were just pregnant.
You had the baby.
377
00:16:24,157 --> 00:16:26,723
I know. And then you said
you got a vasectomy.
378
00:16:26,724 --> 00:16:29,378
I did get a vasectomy.
Remember?
379
00:16:29,379 --> 00:16:31,163
I went to the best surgeon
in Ensenada.
380
00:16:31,164 --> 00:16:32,642
It's next to
the fish taco place.
381
00:16:32,643 --> 00:16:34,470
They went in through my back.
Labrosopic.
382
00:16:34,471 --> 00:16:36,690
I woke up in a bath of ice
holding a margarita.
383
00:16:36,691 --> 00:16:38,344
They swiped your kidney, kid.
384
00:16:38,345 --> 00:16:39,823
No, it was a vasectomy.
385
00:16:39,824 --> 00:16:41,651
I don't think they would have
given me $500
386
00:16:41,652 --> 00:16:42,913
for my kidney, Barry.
387
00:16:42,914 --> 00:16:44,393
- Adam.
- What?
388
00:16:44,394 --> 00:16:47,527
I envy what
Adam and Summer have.
389
00:16:47,528 --> 00:16:49,008
Sex.
390
00:16:50,139 --> 00:16:51,618
- We're back.
- Hey.
391
00:16:51,619 --> 00:16:53,185
You'll never believe this.
392
00:16:53,186 --> 00:16:55,274
There's a lab a hundred feet
away from the gun range.
393
00:16:55,275 --> 00:16:57,841
Check this out. Check it out.
394
00:16:57,842 --> 00:16:59,147
So Travis took some pictures,
395
00:16:59,148 --> 00:17:00,496
I interviewed a scientist.
396
00:17:00,497 --> 00:17:02,020
- They got hella rats.
- Shut up.
397
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:04,326
But there's one problem.
All their rats are white.
398
00:17:04,327 --> 00:17:07,026
Okay. What do we know?
399
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:09,549
The rat was brown.
400
00:17:09,550 --> 00:17:11,899
The brown rat bit a man
in a gun range.
401
00:17:11,900 --> 00:17:14,206
The lab is less than
a hundred feet away
402
00:17:14,207 --> 00:17:16,382
but all their rats
are white.
403
00:17:16,383 --> 00:17:18,167
I mean, if they're telling
the truth.
404
00:17:20,082 --> 00:17:21,561
Okay. New info.
405
00:17:21,562 --> 00:17:23,606
There's a cosmetics lab
about a hundred feet away.
406
00:17:23,607 --> 00:17:24,781
The rats are probably coming
407
00:17:24,782 --> 00:17:26,261
to the gun range
from the lab, right?
408
00:17:26,262 --> 00:17:29,395
Drawn by the loud gunfire
and acrid smoke?
409
00:17:29,396 --> 00:17:31,875
Well, and the fries.
410
00:17:31,876 --> 00:17:35,096
No rat has ever
behaved like that.
411
00:17:35,097 --> 00:17:38,535
Unless someone completely
rewired its brain.
412
00:17:41,451 --> 00:17:44,540
Hm. And what would be
the expected property tax
413
00:17:44,541 --> 00:17:47,108
on 100 acres
of residential land?
414
00:17:47,109 --> 00:17:50,024
Hm. See, that's... That's a lot.
415
00:17:50,025 --> 00:17:51,939
- Hey. You got a moment?
- Sure.
416
00:17:51,940 --> 00:17:54,420
Can I call you back? Thanks.
417
00:17:54,421 --> 00:17:55,465
Okay.
418
00:17:56,466 --> 00:17:57,901
So the key to this is,
419
00:17:57,902 --> 00:18:00,121
the rat behaved
in a really weird way.
420
00:18:00,122 --> 00:18:01,340
It sparked my curiosity,
421
00:18:01,341 --> 00:18:03,124
so I interviewed
a rat behavior expert.
422
00:18:03,125 --> 00:18:05,909
Now, a normal rat wouldn't run
out in the middle of gunfire
423
00:18:05,910 --> 00:18:07,389
and just aggressively bite
a human.
424
00:18:07,390 --> 00:18:09,217
Have you ever heard of a rat
that would do that?
425
00:18:09,218 --> 00:18:13,003
But a lab rat that's being
experimented on, maybe.
426
00:18:13,004 --> 00:18:16,050
But then we realized that the
cosmetics store is just a front.
427
00:18:16,051 --> 00:18:17,878
Behind the lab
with the white rats
428
00:18:17,879 --> 00:18:20,010
is most likely a secret lab
where somebody...
429
00:18:20,011 --> 00:18:21,708
I don't freaking know,
the military?
430
00:18:21,709 --> 00:18:25,103
...is funding research on a rat
that runs towards gunfire,
431
00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:27,583
weaponizing an aggressive
wartime rat, either as a,
432
00:18:27,584 --> 00:18:29,150
you know, end in itself,
433
00:18:29,151 --> 00:18:31,326
maybe carrying a little
explosive backpack or something,
434
00:18:31,327 --> 00:18:34,156
or as a prototype for
the same experiment on humans.
435
00:18:35,244 --> 00:18:36,331
Forget the Glass Club,
436
00:18:36,332 --> 00:18:37,550
this should be our crusade.
437
00:18:37,551 --> 00:18:39,247
This could be our Pulitzer.
438
00:18:39,248 --> 00:18:40,423
Hm.
439
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:44,297
I don't know
why he's not more excited.
440
00:18:45,515 --> 00:18:46,777
Hm.
441
00:18:48,431 --> 00:18:51,173
Unless... he lied.
442
00:18:56,918 --> 00:18:58,048
- Hey, Ned?
- Hm?
443
00:18:58,049 --> 00:18:59,441
This is Ashley.
444
00:18:59,442 --> 00:19:00,877
She's gonna be giving you
your rabies shot.
445
00:19:00,878 --> 00:19:02,531
Since you were bit by a rat.
446
00:19:02,532 --> 00:19:05,491
Oh, yeah. So... I-I don't think
the rat actually had rabies.
447
00:19:05,492 --> 00:19:07,928
If you don't get the shot,
you could die.
448
00:19:07,929 --> 00:19:08,973
Okay.
449
00:19:11,585 --> 00:19:14,326
Jesus. That's the shot?
450
00:19:14,327 --> 00:19:15,458
One of five.
451
00:19:18,287 --> 00:19:19,940
Cool.
452
00:19:19,941 --> 00:19:24,162
That's actually a boba straw
I spray-painted silver.
453
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:25,989
And Ashley
isn't really a nurse.
454
00:19:25,990 --> 00:19:28,427
I went to high school with her,
and we both did musical theater.
455
00:19:28,428 --> 00:19:30,168
You'll be getting
two injections today.
456
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:32,648
One is the vaccine, one is
the rabies immune globulin.
457
00:19:32,649 --> 00:19:34,259
After this,
you'll get three more shots.
458
00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:35,999
We'll be seeing
a lot more of each other.
459
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:39,351
Wow. No idea this was
such a long process.
460
00:19:39,352 --> 00:19:42,137
But you have to do it,
because you were bit by a rat.
461
00:19:43,138 --> 00:19:44,139
- Right?
- Right.
462
00:19:45,140 --> 00:19:47,315
I wish I wasn't, but I was.
463
00:19:47,316 --> 00:19:50,666
Side effects include chills,
dizziness, fever, seizures,
464
00:19:50,667 --> 00:19:53,365
necrosis at the injection site,
vomiting, diarrhea,
465
00:19:53,366 --> 00:19:56,106
increased likelihood of stroke,
rectal bleeding, hair loss--
466
00:19:56,107 --> 00:19:58,544
- Hair loss?
- Also rectal bleeding.
467
00:19:58,545 --> 00:20:00,199
Yeah. That was in there.
468
00:20:02,505 --> 00:20:05,725
All right, all right,
let's do it.
469
00:20:05,726 --> 00:20:06,770
Oh, no.
470
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:19,305
Sir?
471
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:22,656
No.
472
00:20:23,831 --> 00:20:26,398
The shots are so large
to penetrate the abdominal wall.
473
00:20:26,399 --> 00:20:28,530
- Yes.
- I like to go in
through the navel.
474
00:20:28,531 --> 00:20:30,750
- Just do it. Do it now.
- Okay.
475
00:20:30,751 --> 00:20:34,232
I mean, it was not
what you would expect.
476
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:37,104
He was looking forward
to be scared.
477
00:20:37,105 --> 00:20:41,456
But in the end he told me,
"Mom, that was nothing."
478
00:20:41,457 --> 00:20:45,808
So even your young son wasn't
afraid. That says something.
479
00:20:45,809 --> 00:20:52,511
Exactly. No matter what anyone
tells you, not scary.
480
00:20:52,512 --> 00:20:54,034
Okay, if you're
just joining us,
481
00:20:54,035 --> 00:20:56,254
- my guest is Esmeralda Grand.
- Yes.
482
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:58,778
She's the online editor
of the Toledo newspaper...
483
00:20:58,779 --> 00:21:00,432
- TTT Online.
- ...The Truth Teller.
484
00:21:00,433 --> 00:21:01,607
Yes.
485
00:21:01,608 --> 00:21:03,261
- And I want to--
- Thank you.
486
00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:05,437
Hi. Ciao, America. I love you.
487
00:21:05,438 --> 00:21:09,441
So, Esmeralda, in order to
challenge people's stereotypes,
488
00:21:09,442 --> 00:21:12,008
you wrote about
a halfway house.
489
00:21:12,009 --> 00:21:13,923
But you wrote about it
satirically,
490
00:21:13,924 --> 00:21:16,056
as if it were a haunted house
491
00:21:16,057 --> 00:21:19,626
that wasn't very successful
at scaring people.
492
00:21:24,848 --> 00:21:26,327
Yes.
493
00:21:26,328 --> 00:21:29,157
Do you have any sense
of what can be changed?
494
00:21:30,332 --> 00:21:31,724
Well, allora, at first,
495
00:21:31,725 --> 00:21:35,858
my thoughts were a dead bride,
crying blood,
496
00:21:35,859 --> 00:21:38,774
and maybe a clown
with a huge knife.
497
00:21:38,775 --> 00:21:44,954
But now, I would say maybe,
I think, more social workers.
498
00:21:44,955 --> 00:21:47,566
Okay, I think I see
what's happening here.
499
00:21:47,567 --> 00:21:49,307
My apologies to listeners.
500
00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:53,049
We're gonna have to end
this misguided interview.
501
00:21:53,050 --> 00:21:56,314
Thank you. Thank you, Terry,
to having me here.
502
00:21:56,315 --> 00:21:58,316
Ciao, America. I love you.
503
00:21:58,317 --> 00:21:59,969
Oh, great job, Louis.
504
00:21:59,970 --> 00:22:02,321
Yes, Louis, great job.
Thank you.
505
00:22:03,191 --> 00:22:04,365
Now, if there's any reason
506
00:22:04,366 --> 00:22:06,019
you don't want
this strong woman
507
00:22:06,020 --> 00:22:08,674
to plunge a giant needle
into your stomach,
508
00:22:08,675 --> 00:22:10,676
I feel like now's the time
to say something.
509
00:22:10,677 --> 00:22:14,636
No. I need to prevent rabies.
Because of my rat bite.
510
00:22:14,637 --> 00:22:17,510
So do it. Just do it, do it,
do it. Come on, come on.
511
00:22:19,338 --> 00:22:20,426
Okay.
512
00:22:21,905 --> 00:22:25,431
Just... Can you wait outside,
Ash?
513
00:22:27,346 --> 00:22:29,173
Sorry.
514
00:22:32,263 --> 00:22:35,788
Dude, what is wrong with you?
515
00:22:35,789 --> 00:22:38,443
You'd really rather let her
stab you in the stomach
516
00:22:38,444 --> 00:22:40,270
than just admit there was
no freaking rat?
517
00:22:40,271 --> 00:22:43,056
I mean, why? Why do you have
such a desperate need
518
00:22:43,057 --> 00:22:44,536
to impress this cop?
519
00:22:44,537 --> 00:22:47,844
I don't have a desperate need
to impress a cop.
520
00:22:50,412 --> 00:22:52,545
You hit the bullseye
on your first shot.
521
00:22:53,894 --> 00:22:55,939
- Dude.
- You were in the Army.
522
00:22:58,768 --> 00:23:01,509
In all honesty,
when the gun startled you,
523
00:23:01,510 --> 00:23:03,250
was it the bang
or the recoil?
524
00:23:03,251 --> 00:23:04,557
It pinched my finger.
525
00:23:07,516 --> 00:23:08,691
Bang!
526
00:23:10,258 --> 00:23:11,389
- Oh, my God.
- Damn it.
527
00:23:11,390 --> 00:23:12,391
You're cute.
528
00:23:13,957 --> 00:23:15,742
You're really cute.
529
00:23:17,439 --> 00:23:21,051
- Thank you.
- And you have a cute tushy.
530
00:23:30,321 --> 00:23:31,626
Wait, what?
531
00:23:31,627 --> 00:23:33,149
She thought I left her out?
532
00:23:33,150 --> 00:23:35,456
I just thought Adelola
didn't like Japanese food.
533
00:23:35,457 --> 00:23:37,066
Oh, my God.
534
00:23:37,067 --> 00:23:38,764
- Hey.
- Hey.
535
00:23:38,765 --> 00:23:41,420
I think I forgot to get you
one of these a while ago.
536
00:23:42,377 --> 00:23:43,422
Oh.
537
00:23:44,292 --> 00:23:45,641
Thanks.
538
00:23:48,731 --> 00:23:49,950
Where's the straw?
539
00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:53,083
How am I supposed to drink this?
540
00:23:56,086 --> 00:23:58,871
And we're back.
39598
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