Original subtitles

When I was a kid,

I wanted to be Clark Kent,

saving the world, by working at a newspaper.

-Have you read this paper? -Uh-huh. It sucks.

You... We are going to make it better.

Why don't we talk after you meet your new boss, though.

My name is Esmeralda Grand, managing editor.

I'm also in charge of TTT Online.

They hired me to be the editor-in-chief.

-Above Esmeralda? -Yeah.

Ned has cockroach DNA.

You try to smash it, but then it doesn't die? That's Ned.

Outstanding print coverage, Toledo Truth Teller.

Yeah!

Oh, my God! Thank you so much.

-And the winner is Mare Pritti. -Oh, my God.

Oscar Martinez for Mr. Digit.

-- -Ah, for... Goddamn it.

-I think we need to break up. -We aren't in that kind of a relationship.

I kind of was, though.

-You don't think I wanna kiss you? -I have no...

I wanna kiss you. This would be the classic,

fastest way to mess everything up.

God.

Oh, shit.

What do you do when you get everything

you ever wanted in one night?

You ask for more.

It's called momentum.

Two nights ago, we swept the Ohio Journalism Awards.

And so now is the perfect time to get what we need from Marv.

I have a wish list, right? Of a hundred thousand dollars.

And today I am gonna get it.

Woo, woo.

Oh.

-Hey. The light's red. -All right.

The important thing is picking the right moment...

-I'm talking to you, you ginger f... -to ask Marv.

My main man Gabe.

May I present to you the award-winning staff

of the Toledo Truth Teller?

Oscar, tell the man what you won for.

Oh, Mr. Digit. Maybe you're familiar?

We are having some celebratory drinks

this afternoon at the Macaroni Barn.

Best ziti in that neighborhood.

For floor nine from a Marv Putnam.

-Oh, my God, Marv got us flowers. -Whoa.

I haven't gotten flowers since prom.

Shoot. I should have thought of that.

What's... What's better than flowers?

-Edible arrangements? -Oh. - Balloons.

Hold it up, hold it up.

Ha!

♪ Had to have high, high hopes For a living ♪

♪ Shooting for the stars when I couldn't make a killing ♪

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Good God, Ned, turn that off!

♪ Had to have high, high hopes -For a living ♪

-What's going on? -Use your eyes, pal.

A man is dead.

Siri, turn down.

Playing "Turn Down for What" by DJ Snake and Lil Jon.

No. Turn it off, turn it off.

-Ned! -Siri, I... Siri! Turn off!

Who...? Who died?

Bill Patterson is dead.

One of the Softees guys.

One of the human beings you've been working with for months.

Bill!

Oh, no! Why?

Oh, Bill!

Who turned off the music?

Yeah, it was a magical weekend.

Whoa, heh, magical?

Who am I, Minnie Mouse? Uh...

I just mean professionally.

I was excited for Sunday to end and Monday to begin.

That's never happened before.

But, um, sad for Bill.

Whenever they make a sale, the Softees guys

ring this gong right behind Adelola.

Oh!

Bill was one of the ones that loved to surprise you.

Bill loved to ring that gong.

I will think of him every time

I hear a loud surprising noise.

We could focus on this last weekend and who won awards,

or who was tricked into drinking more than she should have,

but I think that Marv wants us to be focused on Bill.

-Do we know what happened? -It sounds like it was a fire.

That's awful.

Poor Bill. Bill, Bill, Bill.

Bill... Bill was the one with the birthmark, right?

No.

He's dead? Our Bill gone?

No, no, no.

He's dead. Our Bill. Gone.

Yes, eccolo. Brava.

He's dead.

Our Bill.

Gone.

Marv, I just wanted to apologize

for the music and dancing earlier.

-It's all right, buddy. -I did not know. I didn't know.

-You were in shock. -Sweet Bill.

Where does the soul go, I wonder?

I know the salary is funneled back into the company

to be repurposed for the living,

who knows, maybe even some to his beloved Truth Teller.

No, because that would be spitting on his grave.

To be honest, he had no respect for you, Ned.

-He thought you were all nerds. -It's true.

You know, uh, Esmeralda,

I was unaware that you and Bill were so close?

Yes, we were.

Esmeralda made out once with Bill.

In his car outside the Macaroni Barn.

I don't think she made eye contact with him after that.

Are you guys able to continue today?

Of course. The Truth must be told.

Even if it's difficult or expensive.

Well, for me, I might need paid leave.

Details can be discussed later.

But to be honest I fear to be alone right now.

You know, look, I'm shaking.

-You're only human. -I can't.

-We're all in this together. -I can't. Yeah.

You know, we should write up something nice for Bill.

-I mean, he really was the best of us. -Mmm.

You know what?

We can put it on TTT Online immediately.

Instead of their worst night, headline,

"He really was the best of us, from Marv Putnam."

The headline's gonna read, "from Marv Putnam"?

The most important part, yeah.

The biggest part. Shut up.

-That's great, Esmeralda. -Yeah.

Maybe, Ned, you can get your team together?

Write up something special.

You know, something his family can frame.

-For Bill. -For Bill.

-For Bill. -For Bill.

No, no, no.

That's... It's...

Thank you so much.

I really appreciate it.

-It's gonna be okay. -It won't.

It's gonna be okay.

It's all right.

Ned, nice touch, bud.

Bill will be sorely missed.

There is a huge void around here.

If you could choose one person to die on this floor,

it would not be Bill.

Purely in terms of earnings and how much he'd be missed,

Alexander's gotta be in the conversation.

But God has chosen to take Bill.

And you can't argue with God. Al might be next.

So I've stepped up to the plate, is what I've done.

In a sales capacity.

For Bill.

And he left some bloody big shoes to fill.

Is Bill's death really a front page event, Ned?

Yes. Fragility of life. It's universal.

It's the tightrope we're all walking.

You could be murdered tonight.

-Wow. -Mm-hm.

It's usually someone you know.

-Hey. -How's it going team?

Well, one of the boys

at the toilet paper company died today, Marvin.

That's right, Barry.

Uh, Mare, could you shrink the part about the awards down?

-No boasting today. -Sure thing.

-Oh. -More.

-Oh. -More.

Smaller. A little more.

Smaller.

-Oh... -Yep, that'll do.

Now bring it down to the bottom. Yep.

-Are we sure? -It's tone-deaf.

Now, who's working on the life and death of Bill today?

-Uh... Nicole. Nicole's on it. -I want them all on it.

Team, I want you to write

the best article you've ever written.

Research the hell out of our guy.

I wanna send him to Valhalla with our words.

-Everyone, come on! Let's do it. -Bill!

-For Bill! For Bill! -Yeah.

-Okay. -Fart!

Where's Valhalla?

Hey, what's up?

I'm doing amazing.

Why?

So were you guys friends?

We were more like comrades.

We saw a lot of crazy shit together.

-Selling toilet paper? -Exactly.

-Did he have any hobbies? -I think he liked to cook.

Every time I asked him what he did over the weekend,

he was like "cooking" or "I cooked"

or "I spent my time cooking."

It's kind of fitting that he loved to cook,

and then he was cooked.

Yeah.

Was anyone else killed?

No. He was the only fatality.

The fire was limited to that apartment.

Do you know if he like, warned everybody else in the building?

Or I don't know, sacrificed himself to save others?

-Anything heroic? -No, no.

It looks like he just panicked in there

and died like an animal.

You can see fingernail scratches on the door.

Do you think he was in pain?

Yeah.

That guy sucked.

He showed his guns to my kids.

Well, maybe he was a veteran, sir?

Hey!

We keep our mouths shut on this block.

Let me handle this. Hey, what's up, OG.

-Look, we ain't trying to get you to snitch. -Move along, young brothers.

We're not the police. I just wanna get...

I know you heard what I said.

-I think we should go. -Yeah.

-Yeah, let's go. -Sorry.

I'm about to ask Marv for a $100,000,

and these are the best quotes you could get?

You couldn't find anything even remotely positive?

Ned, something was really up with this guy.

Nah. We did not get good vibes, man.

Well, what are we supposed to write then?

That he showed guns to kids and burned slowly in a fire?

Uh...

I didn't know how, but now I know how.

Why, Ned?

-Insensitive. -I... I'm sorry.

So, what have we learned about my Bill?

We've... We've learned a lot, actually, Marv.

-It's gonna be great. -Good.

Macaroni Barn's gonna be

a celebration of life for Bill now.

What about our party, for the Academy Award?

No, that's-that's a great idea.

It's very, very appropriate, yes.

We need to turn the Victory Vermouth

into Bill on the Rocks then.

I'll make sure there's no Fireball in it.

She's really on it.

Is your piece gonna be ready in time?

-Yes. Yes, of course. -Okay, good.

I am going to read it out loud today at the memorial.

And Bill's sister and mother are gonna be there.

Oh...

Great. Will do, sir.

It's gonna be the best summation of a wonderful life ever.

Keep it up, guys.

Thank you.

Hey, uh, interesting Photoshop.

Oh.

-Yeah, huh? -This weekend was pretty great, right?

Yeah, it was great.

I think everyone had a good time.

Hey, could you gather everyone in the conference room?

-We have to finish Bill's piece. -Uh-huh. Yeah.

Okay, so everything on this guy's

start paperwork seems to be false.

His home phone number starts with 5-5-5,

and he spelled Illinois wrong.

No, that's right.

But I'm not seeing any school records.

At least not by the name we knew him by.

I found this in his desk.

Do you think he was in the army, Mare?

It's no U.S. branch that I know of.

Wait, but you can see his last name.

-Egorov. -Egorov?

What military has a skull as their insignia?

Okay, I just found Bill Egorov's SoundCloud.

He has one song called "Morphine and Ice Cream."

I regret every moment

that I let hate win in my life.

I was judging people just by the color of their skin.

That's called being racist.

♪ And then I met This beautiful girl ♪

♪ She was a Peruvian and she -Changed my whole world ♪

Travis, can you please turn it off?

Not everybody should have a creative outlet.

Okay, the flag they're holding? It's the Wagner Group.

-It's mercenaries. -What?

Who the hell is this guy?

See?

Yeah. Hello?

Yes, we can be there in 10 minutes. Great, thank you.

-Who was that? -It's the morgue. They have Bill's remains.

They said we could come ask some questions.

-Mare, let's go. -Sure. Love the morgue.

Oh, and also Travis.

Travis, you come too, buddy.

We'll take your truck.

I don't drive a truck.

I find that kind of offensive.

I drive a regular car, it's small. Two doors.

The fire started at 1 a.m. in his kitchen.

What was he cooking at 1 a.m.?

-A roast? -For the homeless, maybe?

Show us the body, sir. Let's see him.

Oh.

Bill.

Which end is which?

-My God, what's that long thing? -Is that his penis?

Oh, no, his penis is long gone.

What we thought was Bill's penis turned out to be his tailbone.

The penis is actually quite fragile.

It's all sponge.

It's the first thing to go up in a fire.

And Bill's bladder was unfortunately full of alcohol.

So in this case,

his penis was almost like

the wick to a Molotov cocktail.

I've actually seen a couple of cases like this.

Looks like he was working with some type of accelerant.

Accelerant? Well, he loved to cook.

Maybe he was trying some sort of gourmet dish?

If you consider high-quality meth a gourmet dish.

He was a meth dealer?

-I mean... -Goddamn it.

Oh, man.

Ken speaking.

No, Bill has, um, stepped out momentarily.

So you are in my safe hands now.

How can I help you?

Right.

And what sort of quantity for the order would that be?

Twenty grams?

You have correctly identified me

as being a man from a metric country.

Yeah, I've been going through it the last few days.

Just been ruminating on the shortness of life.

But also, how long it always feels

between breakfast and lunch.

From what I've deduced,

I think Detrick developed a little hole

in his love life over the weekend.

And that is a hole that I'm looking to fill.

I'm about to stuff myself all up in there. Mm.

Um...

Platonically speaking, of course.

Just with some classic friendship.

Uh...

Could we do take two, actually? Please?

-Pretty insane, huh? -This shit is crazy, bro.

-Were you guys tight? -No, not really.

-It's hard to be tight with people you intimidate. -Mm.

Hey question for you, after Macaroni Barn tonight,

do you want to go get up with me?

-It's a Monday. -Exactly.

It's Margarita Mondays at O'Shays.

Which means affordable liquor

and at least five fine-as-hell urgent care nurses

who just got off shift next door.

What do you think?

-Let's do it. Yup. -You down? Bro.

-That's what I'm talking about. -Boys' night out?

-What's up? -You got... You got room for another boy?

-Um... -I mean, it was maybe...

-We had planned... -I can get the drinks.

-Okay. -Yeah?

-Yeah. -Cool. -Whoo.

-Yeah, raise the roof. -Absolutely.

I didn't know Ned liked margaritas that much.

Or the whole urgent care crowd.

It's just interesting, that's all.

Right. So that is one 12-pack.

For the special price.

And how much is that again?

Bloody hell.

That's how much Bill was charging for a 12-pack?

That's fantastic.

I knew Bill was all salesman,

but, uh, my goodness.

You can't teach that. The up-charging on that.

Fantastic.

I'll say this, I hope the angels

are watching their wallets up there.

Because Bill was an absolute shark.

What are we gonna do? We have to get this out by 6.

I know. I'm just... This is...

Oh, man. My head hurts.

I've got you, boss.

It's all right, Barry.

Oh.

-Relax. -Oh, wow. It's...

-Relax. -Oh, this feels amazing.

Okay. Ned.

Ned?

Are we going to be able

to put the awards on the front page?

Not that it's the only thing I care about.

I just told my mom already.

At this point, absolutely not.

-Okay. -Sorry.

Barry. I love you.

It's kind of like the awards night never happened.

It's kind of like

the awards night never happened.

Esmeralda, thank you

for enlarging this beautiful photo.

And I showed Bill's mom what you posted.

So nice to see Bill in that light.

No one ever spoke about him that way.

I did. I did, mama.

So sorry for your loss.

I remember seeing Bill...

Ned's team runs the Toledo Truth Teller.

They've worked up a wonderful profile

on your Bill that's gonna run tomorrow.

-Oh. -I thought I'd have Ned read it, if that's okay with you?

Maybe after Ned, I could read my piece.

To headline.

And for closure.

Whatever you need.

Thank you.

Marv, could I have a moment?

-Sure. -Nice to meet you.

Jesus on a merry-go-round! The Wagner Group?

The headline on TTT

has me saying he's the best guy I know.

-I can't believe this. -Yeah, it's bad.

Hey, could the paper have a hundred thousand dollars

-for overtime and new laptops? -What?

No.

Ned, is this true?

Yes, yes. Unfortunately, yes.

Well, I don't know what to say.

I guess I really can't pick them.

So I... I shouldn't read it?

Ned, what's the name of our paper?

All right.

Bill was a complicated man.

He kept to himself, he sold toilet paper.

He loved to wear the Enervate "E"

at our company Christmas can drive

where he delighted many children,

although he probably delighted more teenagers...

because he also made and distributed methamphetamine.

-What? -What else?

He had 47 confirmed kills as a mercenary.

I just verified that with an old...

I wanna say army buddy of his.

Mm-hm.

He was a world traveler.

He traveled everywhere, the Congo, Syria, Darfur.

That's our Bill. Total piece of shit.

-Remember when he robbed... -Hey, Esmeralda,

I think you said you wanted to speak last, right?

-Yeah. But I might be good, actually. -Everybody!

Everybody, Bill's girlfriend, Esmeralda.

You know her here.

She'd like to say a few words about her boo.

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

Give it up for Esmeralda Grand, everybody.

Allora, uh...

Yes, we are all here to remember Bill, sure.

But let's not forget

the original purpose of this celebration.

The many awards for the Toledo Truth Teller!

Three awards!

Let's have a round of applause.

I really appreciate all the hard work today, guys.

-Sure. -It's good.

Mare, what did we end up going with for the front page?

There it is.

Ooh. Well, better than nothing.

-I guess. -All right, 6 p.m. Good work today.

Thank you very much. I'll send that to the printers.

Sweet.

I'll see you tomorrow?

Yeah.

-See you tomorrow, everybody! -Good night, Ned.

-Night. -Good night.

Whoa.

What the?

I can't believe we got away with it all day.

We totally... We totally fooled them.

-Yeah, you fooled everybody. -You were so amazing.

At one point I thought you were really scowling at me.

Well, yeah, you've barely looked at me all day.

I know, I know. It was such a long day.

But at least now we know we can do it, right?

And at 6:01...

-off the clock. -Okay. Okay.

But, um, just because we have to keep this a secret,

doesn't mean you need to keep it a secret from me.

-You didn't know? -No.

I thought you knew. I'm sorry.

You are a psychopath.

But I get it.

Okay, what are you doing tonight?

Oh, you know what?

I'm chasing tail with the fellas.

Just to provide cover for us, so...

-Thank you? -You're welcome.

Tomorrow night?

-No, I'm interviewing the lottery lady. -All right.

Okay. Well, we can do the weekend maybe.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

-I'll take you somewhere. -Okay.

Yeah?

Please, um...

Forgive me for what you're about to hear.

Okay.

Where are my MILF hunters at?

Uh-oh.

Whoo!

Hey! You ready to get laid?

We're gonna put it in some nurses?

I'm gonna have to call you on that.

-Those nurses are heroes, okay? -Absolutely.

-Be careful. -I agree.

I support all our heroes

in and out of uniform.

Who wants to bang a coward?

-Three guys out on the town? -I know.

-When was the last time you guys were in love? -Mm.

Oh, showtime.

Come on, Ken.

One 12-pack of toilet roll for you.

And I wouldn't mind seeing the $10,000, if you please.

-Pure. -Pure, yep.

Pretty good. Two-ply, the best.

-It's uncut? -Well, it's perforated, which is useful.

But it's, uh, meth, right?

Meth...

amphetamine?

Yeah, cheerio then. Off we go.

Let's get you home, Ken.