Original subtitles

Hello. How are you feeling? Bloody awful!

Nothing to worry about. The surgeon'll be here soon, then we'll anaesthetise you.

You'll be fine.

You even make major surgery sound pleasant. Wait! I am having major surgery!

Relax. You're in good hands. Here's your surgeon.

Oh, God!

Oh, no! Hello, Dad.

Oh, no! Oh, no, no!

No, no! NO-O-O-O-O!

No, no!

Oh, thank God! What's wrong? You've been tossing and turning all night.

Oh, dear! I had this... very peculiar dream.

Sounded more like a nightmare. It was quite pleasant really.

The kids were in it...

..and they all had jobs!

God, that's disgusting!

Don't squeeze it. It'll clear up on its own.

Nick's clothes are in there! And yours and Michael's.

It's like Paris Fashion Week with skid-marks!

Must you do that in here? This is where we eat! Yes. Unless YOU fancy doing it? No, carry on.

Why can't we all wash our own clothes?

Mum, that is unfair! You know I've got more clothes than anyone else.

The wind will change and you'll get stuck like that. Cool! Like that...or like that?

It's a waitressing job. Yeah. It's in Soho. I'm going to be discovered by a film director.

Oh, like Lana Turner. Yeah, him.

Or Guy Ritchie. As long as you're prepared to be disappointed.

Prepared? I'm a bloody expert! Hi, Janey.

Has she got wind? No, she's going to be a film star.

Oh, right. What was the name of that restaurant again?

Combat trousers? It's like "Apocalypse Now" in here!

It's like "Lawrence of Arabia" in here!

A glass of lemonade and one for the boy! Bloody hell!

Come on, it's only one glass.

No, not that. Look what I found in Nick's pocket. Oh, my God! There must be over £1,000 here.

I don't understand. Don't you?

Don't you think something smells a bit fishy? Probably Nick's boxer shorts.

When have you heard Nick, money - those two concepts linked without "Dad" and "can I borrow" attached?

There's probably an explanation. Which one?

Forgery? Baby farming? Or maybe international arms trafficking!

He's probably looking after it for a friend. Ooh, even worse!

Have you met his friends?

£1,255!

I found it in Nick's pocket.

Damn! I knew I should've helped you with the laundry!

You did...what?!

I saved it up.

£1,255?

Think about it, Dad. All those jobs, all with severance pay. Soon adds up.

Not wise to keep it all in cash. I got it out of the bank.

You have a bank account?!

Actually, it's an ISA. My money works so I don't have to.

No, no, no! I work so you don't have to!

Thanks, Dad. Give him his money. Aren't we forgetting something?

Yes, back rent, laundry, phone bills and damage to property.

What will he do with the money? None of our business. It isn't.

I'm sure he wants to show you what he's doing is legal. He doesn't!

I do. You wanna prove your stupid point! I'm buying a motorbike.

My point's not as stupid as your point, whatever it is! What?! I'm buying a motorbike.

Perfectly sensible purchase. He can go and look for jobs, run errands.

I'm forming a motorcycle stunt display team. What?! I thought he was doing something stupid!

It'll be called The League of Mentalmen!

Oh, how could I be so wrong?

Nick...who is in this stunt display team?

Just me so far. Oh, and Spike.

Not blind Spike? He's not blind, he's partially sighted.

Nick, how is Spike

I'll do the riding. Spike sets fire to the bales of hay, puts paraffin in milk bottles - technical stuff.

Please, not fire! So y-your team... Your team consists of you and Spike.

Don't forget Radar! Who's Radar? Spike's Alsatian.

You've got a dog in your team? It'll be a show-stopper! He drags dummies out of burning buildings!

WE thought the stork brought you! I don't want to pour cold water on...

No need, Mum, Spike does that as well.

Don't you think it's dangerous? Yes, it's a stunt display team.

It won't happen. He hasn't followed anything through since leaving your womb.

We will see on Saturday. Saturday?! We're appearing at a rock festival.

Nick, that's not gonna give you

Surely you need a qualification?

All right, it'll be completely brilliant!

What?

Oh, dear!

I was laughing at the fact of Nick, Spike, a dog and a motorbike taking the entertainment world by storm!

It's..f... Well, it tickles me.

He'll crash the bike before he gets out the gate! Is that meant to make me feel better?

Let Nick make his own mistakes - the one thing he's good at.

Exactly! His mistakes are bigger and better than other people's. And whose fault's that? Yours.

Mine? You've never given him a sense of responsibility.

Believe me, I've tried! It's the one thing of mine he won't take.

It's a fad! What if it's not? What if it's a career move? Then he'll have a career!

Glad to see you're taking things seriously, as usual!

I'm taking it very seriously. Very, very seriously.

In fact, so seriously I'm going to go and sleep on it, OK?

Goodnight.

Janey dear, how's the job going? Boring. Oh, that's a relief! You're happy that my job's crap?

Yes! It's crap and it's safe. Just like your father's job.

Or linger for a couple of days! I'm just serving food to people. Isn't that what waitressing is?

But they're just people - shopkeepers, office workers! Where are the big guns?

You didn't expect to be discovered on the first day? Your pay packet will bring a smile to your face!

It's always money with you, isn't it? Yes. Or murder!

Off I go, everyone! Wish me luck!

What do you want luck for? HAH!

You'll get halfway down the road, realise Scooby-Doo is on and be here watching it on the telly!

You're not taking this seriously.

Too right. Look, he can't even finish the name on his jacket!

Nick, don't do this!

You're my only son! Hey!

Apart from Michael. I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to you! I've got a list! Ben!

Mum, I can't be your baby any more.

What time's Scooby-Doo on?

I was joking, Nick! Oh...damn.

Oh, well...

Brrrrrrrrm brrrrrrrmm!

Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Harper's left the building! Thank you very much! Vrrrrrrrrm!

So what time do you get off work? Six o'clock. Cool! I was thinking maybe dinner and a movie?

Sounds great! What will YOU be doing?

Thought I might get plastered!

Or maybe play doctors and nurses!

I've got a rectal thermometer and I know how to use it! AS KENNETH WILLIAMS: Ooh, Matron!

Actually I'm a Ward Sister. Ooh, Matron!

Hi, guys! How are you, darling?

I've got a broken arm, broken leg, three broken ribs and whiplash.

You complete and utter...poor thing.

How are you feeling, dear?

Poignant. How the hell did this happen?!

It was all going so well until Spike added too much paraffin to the flaming wall of tyres.

I got blinded by the smoke and hit the side of a cow.

You were jumping a motorbike over a cow? Not by design. She was in the next field.

I see! So you hit a cow. Was the cow all right?

Brilliant! The crowd went wild!

Did you land your head? Dunno. My mind's gone blank. Yeah, back to normal, then.

Nick, look who's come to visit!

Sir Edward Tedworth. Remember him? Mm. Give it to him, Ben. Why me?

Because you're his father. I repeat, why me?

I'll leave you two alone.

Susan! Susan, I...

Do the voice.

Sod off!

That's not how I remember it.

Well, that's that, then. So...I'll be off.

Anything else you need? There's one thing. Can you pass me that bottle?

What bottle? The bottle over there. Oh, right, yeah.

Oh...I'll give you some privacy, OK?

Hang on, Dad. I'm gonna need a little help.

Help? What do you mean, help?

Duh!

I'm not..er... Come on, Dad, I don't ask a lot!

Yeah, it's... Come on, you could do this one small thing for me.

Sorry.

I meant call a nurse!

Haven't you finished washing your hands yet? There isn't enough soap in the world!

I don't know, Ben. The house seems strange somehow.

It is strange. It's a strange house.

I meant with Nick not being here and Janey working evenings.

Oh, well, more food for us, I suppose.

It's dawned on me how serious Nick's accident was.

We're all missing him. I sneaked my food onto HIS plate.

That's the idea - keep our spirits up with humour. It wasn't a joke.

I suppose this is how it's going to be one day. Yeah, quiet.

I hope little Janey's all right out there.

LITTLE Janey?! Restaurants can be dangerous places.

She once punched a hole through a door cos someone used her Donna Karan T-shirt to strain homebrew!

Ahh, yes, dear little Nicky! Dear little Nicky? It's like being in a Dickens novel!

Eat up, Tiny Tim! Mr Scrooge is gonna come round with a bowl of gruel! Don't tell me there's more!

Where are you going? Chess club. Where? Who with? Calm down! I said it was OK.

You sent my other son into the jaws of death?

It's a chess club! I've a feeling that it may be safe. You don't know that. Susan, relax.

We do not live in a risk-free world. I suppose you're right.

We can't go wrapping our children up in cotton wool. Rope, maybe!

We can watch them like hawks, take every precaution,

but they could get knocked down just crossing the road.

Michael, I'll drive you there!

LEAVE IT!

Congratulations, Janey. Why?

You've been here a week and you're in line for a third warning. Yeah!

Table 8 are ready to order. This affects me how? Paramount Europe are important customers.

Paramount! Right!

Hello. I'm Janey. I'll be serving you this evening.

I wouldn't mind a bit of a service!

That's wonderful! Would you like a drink?

Your place or mine?

- Just four beers, please.

Yes.

Um...do you mind if I ask you something?

Sure! Have you got any blockbusters in production? Eh?

You know...action-adventure or maybe romantic comedies?

Oh, right! Paramount! Very good! Sorry?

We're not the film company, we're Paramount Cavity Wall Insulation, Unit 6 in the business park.

And we want four beers. And I want a movie career so we're both stuffed!

There's only stuffing! Look again! I know that's where I kept it!

Hello! ..I'll come and collect the tray when you've finished.

Mum, did someone take something out of Sir Edward Tedworth?

Maybe.

How are you feeling, dear?

At the moment, ripped off. Oh, what's that?

Macaroni cheese and jelly with sprinkles. You poor thing! I know

Well, it can be, but this is a good hospital with good food. Nonsense!

I've got just the thing to cheer you up! Uhhhh!

Cold ratatouille!

A new dish in your honour! Haven't decided what to call it yet. I'll think of something!

I know! Frappatouille Surprise! More like a nasty shock!

Let's get you adjusted first.

Uhh! Here we go! Isn't this sweet? Just like the old days when it was little Nicky and Mummy. Comfy?

Yes. And scared.

No wonder after that stunt! You won't be doing that again! Er...

Er? What do you mean, "er"?

We are a hit! We've bookings right through to September!

Haven't you learnt anything? End on an explosion - the crowds love it!

You're an idiot! A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

Look where you ended up! Every time I push a button, a nurse appears!

You'll think more clearly when you've got some food in you! I won't. Eat something anyway.

Come on. Now, a spoonful for Mummy.

I'm not a baby! OK, OK, here comes the aeroplane! Ngnnnnnnnnnnnnnnh!

Open the hanger!

I remember that face - it means you want some more! Here we go!

What do you think you're doing? What's it feel like?

Feels like you're trying it on. That's what I'm doing. There's a time and place for that.

In bed, at night. I don't know how you can think about it!

I'm not just thinking about it. There's action involved, too.

Our son is flat on his back drugged to the eyeballs! Funny how things never change!

He has multiple fractures. He's as chirpy as ever! It's a brave face!

It's the stupid face that gets me. You wouldn't be saying that if he'd lost an arm or leg!

If he ended up as a head in a jar, he'd be wearing that inane grin!

He's unstoppable...

..and so am I!

Do you think I'm the slightest bit interested in sex after what you've done?!

What, me? This is all your fault.

Oh, it's MY fault! Right!

Of course! I bought the bike, hired a blind assistant

and drove through burning tyres into an Aberdeen Angus(!)

Spike is partially sighted. I can't talk to you!

That's because you feel guilty. Why do I feel guilty? I haven't done anything! Exactly!

You ignore him! When have you ever told Nick how you feel about him?

I'm always telling him! Where have you been?!

How DO you feel? What, before you started this conversation? Horny!

Seriously! Have you ever told Nick that you love him?

Are you completely insane?!

Why can't you say the words? Afraid people will laugh?

No...no, it's just...you know. You just...

It makes one feel naked!

I've seen you naked and I haven't laughed...much.

You can say it to me, can't you? Yeah, of course.

Well...go on. There's just us. No-one will criticise.

OK.

I love you. Is that the best you can do? Try it again.

Look, all right. I love you.

Come on, once again - with feeling.

I...love you.

I...love you.

And I love you.

Ohhh, I love you!

Good. Now, say it to Nick. No sex for you. Goodnight.

BUZZER SOUNDS URGENTLY

Sorry. False alarm.

Another sponge bath?

Hi, Nick. All right, Dad?

Yeah, I...bought you some more plums.

It's all right, Dad, it wasn't that sort of accident!

I've been having a chat with your mum.

I'm with you! You not getting any? No...I...

Look, Nick, I'm sorry, OK?

I have to admit the last time I came and saw you like that, I just got angry. Yeah, look.

Sir Edward tried to kill himself!

I thought back to when I was your age.

I thought, "Well, come on!" I was a bit reckless, I was a tearaway. Got into a few scrapes. You?

Oh, yeah. You were my age?

Bet you never ended up like this! It's funny you should say that.

Once summer - I've never told your mother this - I went round to my friend Roger Bilbow's

and he lived near a very busy railway line.

He had this rickety old tree house.

We were a bit bit to go into it by then but, on a dare,

we took a paraffin stove and some matches and...

What we didn't know was that Roger Bilbow's dad had chosen that day

to take the chainsaw to the lower branches and... Phew!

Go on, Dad, what happened? Well, you know...

..we got a stern ticking-off, I can tell you!

Oh, the recklessness of youth!

Yeah...right. I should've been a bit more reckless in my youth like you, I suppose. Come on!

I don't choose to do these things. I'm just me...and you're you. Put them together, result magic!

Oh, God! So what did Mum say?

Mum? You said you'd had a talk.

Oh, yeah, we've had a little talk and..um..

Look, Nick, the thing is...

We've had our ups and downs...

and there's something I should've said that I never have.

Oooh! Look, Nick, this is not easy for me, OK?

Go on, you've got me on tenterhooks.

I mean... Yes, go on, say it!

I... Michael's joined a chess club.

Oh, thanks, Dad. I know that wasn't easy for you to say.

No.

Enjoy your plums.

See ya. See you.

Ow!

Excuse me, we ordered slimline tonics. Slimline?

Talk about locking the stable door! Just bring them.

Do this, do that. You're just like my mum! Excuse me?

Right, so that's a slimline tonic to go with slimline foie gras, slimline steak pie and chips.

And may I recommend the slimline sticky toffee pudding?

I don't like your attitude!

All right, Janey, I'll sort this out. Yeah, fat chance!

I'm fired, aren't I?

Nice, Janey. Perhaps you've a future in graphic design.

Rub it in! I didn't need that job! Kate Moss was discovered walking down the street.

And George Michael was discovered in a lavatory! Shut your face!

Worthy of Mamet at his best(!)

Hooray! He-e-e-ey! Hey, this is nice!

Where's the stripper?

Nick, I was joking, OK? Oh.

We thought they weren't letting you out for a few more days. Got thrown out.

Out of hospital? Not my fault. I

I was hanging out with the guys. They were heart surgeons.

Good to have you back. Miss me?

No, Mum's ordering pizza.

- Nice banner, Janey! - Thanks. I worked hard on it.

See? Even Janey cares.

Spike can have the motorbike good as new in three days... if he can find the wheels.

Ben, do something before he kills himself! Showbiz is in my blood!

Like septicaemia? What'll it take to persuade you to give this up?

Um...how about...

..a nice big hug and a kiss?

..Seriously.

I am serious, Dad. Wha...? Go on, Ben. You asked him what he needs and he's told you.

Yeah, but... Go on, Dad! Yeah!

And the kiss!

A proper one.

Wow! Unbelievable! Yeah! Blerghhh!

We're gonna give up all this stunt stuff? Jumping over cows, fires.

I'm getting rid of the bike. Oh, thank God! I'm buying a microlight. An aeroplane?

That is the stupidest idea I have ever heard! I got it from you!

Look out for the aeroplane! Ngnnnnnnh! Open the hanger!

What?! We ordered those pizzas over an hour ago! I'm hungry! Where the hell are they? Harper.

Not Harpo, Harper! I'm hungry! H-A-R-P... Oh, shut up!

You can't have a bigger allowance. I need it, Mum, I'm not working!

We're gonna get stale pizzas for free? That's lovely(!)

Is it Christmas Day or April 1st?!

Take your pizza and stick it up your bread oven with extra

Coo-ee! What?!

Oh, dear. Sacked another assistant, then?

Subtitles by Pam Atkinson, TFL Ltd, for BBC Subtitling - 2001