Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,020 --> 00:00:03,740
Hello. How are you feeling?
Bloody awful!
2
00:00:03,740 --> 00:00:09,540
Nothing to worry about.
The surgeon'll be here soon,
then we'll anaesthetise you.
3
00:00:09,540 --> 00:00:11,580
You'll be fine.
4
00:00:11,580 --> 00:00:18,140
You even make major surgery
sound pleasant. Wait!
I am having major surgery!
5
00:00:18,140 --> 00:00:22,380
Relax. You're in good hands.
Here's your surgeon.
6
00:00:22,380 --> 00:00:24,220
Oh, God!
7
00:00:27,580 --> 00:00:30,660
Oh, no! Hello, Dad.
8
00:00:34,380 --> 00:00:37,420
Oh, no! Oh, no, no!
9
00:00:37,420 --> 00:00:40,140
No, no! NO-O-O-O-O!
10
00:00:40,140 --> 00:00:42,260
No, no!
11
00:00:43,500 --> 00:00:48,540
Oh, thank God! What's wrong? You've
been tossing and turning all night.
12
00:00:48,540 --> 00:00:53,540
Oh, dear! I had this...
very peculiar dream.
13
00:00:53,540 --> 00:00:58,580
Sounded more like a nightmare.
It was quite pleasant really.
14
00:00:59,540 --> 00:01:01,900
The kids were in it...
15
00:01:02,860 --> 00:01:05,220
..and they all had jobs!
16
00:01:18,220 --> 00:01:20,260
God, that's disgusting!
17
00:01:20,260 --> 00:01:23,980
Don't squeeze it.
It'll clear up on its own.
18
00:01:23,980 --> 00:01:28,460
Nick's clothes are in there!
And yours and Michael's.
19
00:01:28,460 --> 00:01:32,100
It's like Paris Fashion Week
with skid-marks!
20
00:01:32,100 --> 00:01:38,380
Must you do that in here?
This is where we eat! Yes. Unless
YOU fancy doing it? No, carry on.
21
00:01:38,380 --> 00:01:41,900
Why can't we all wash
our own clothes?
22
00:01:41,900 --> 00:01:47,140
Mum, that is unfair! You know I've
got more clothes than anyone else.
23
00:01:48,740 --> 00:01:55,140
The wind will change
and you'll get stuck like that.
Cool! Like that...or like that?
24
00:01:55,140 --> 00:02:01,620
It's a waitressing job. Yeah.
It's in Soho. I'm going to be
discovered by a film director.
25
00:02:01,620 --> 00:02:04,660
Oh, like Lana Turner. Yeah, him.
26
00:02:04,660 --> 00:02:09,580
Or Guy Ritchie. As long as you're
prepared to be disappointed.
27
00:02:09,580 --> 00:02:13,420
Prepared? I'm a bloody expert!
Hi, Janey.
28
00:02:16,940 --> 00:02:21,580
Has she got wind?
No, she's going to be a film star.
29
00:02:21,580 --> 00:02:25,620
Oh, right. What was the name
of that restaurant again?
30
00:02:25,620 --> 00:02:30,220
Combat trousers? It's like
"Apocalypse Now" in here!
31
00:02:30,220 --> 00:02:33,300
It's like "Lawrence of Arabia"
in here!
32
00:02:33,300 --> 00:02:37,380
A glass of lemonade
and one for the boy! Bloody hell!
33
00:02:37,380 --> 00:02:39,900
Come on, it's only one glass.
34
00:02:39,900 --> 00:02:46,260
No, not that. Look what I found
in Nick's pocket. Oh, my God!
There must be over £1,000 here.
35
00:02:46,260 --> 00:02:48,580
I don't understand. Don't you?
36
00:02:48,580 --> 00:02:53,980
Don't you think something
smells a bit fishy?
Probably Nick's boxer shorts.
37
00:02:53,980 --> 00:03:02,020
When have you heard Nick, money -
those two concepts linked without
"Dad" and "can I borrow" attached?
38
00:03:02,020 --> 00:03:05,460
There's probably an explanation.
Which one?
39
00:03:05,460 --> 00:03:10,780
Forgery? Baby farming? Or maybe
international arms trafficking!
40
00:03:10,780 --> 00:03:15,500
He's probably looking after it
for a friend. Ooh, even worse!
41
00:03:15,500 --> 00:03:17,660
Have you met his friends?
42
00:03:17,660 --> 00:03:19,700
£1,255!
43
00:03:22,300 --> 00:03:24,540
I found it in Nick's pocket.
44
00:03:24,540 --> 00:03:29,100
Damn! I knew I should've helped you
with the laundry!
45
00:03:29,100 --> 00:03:32,180
You did...what?!
46
00:03:32,180 --> 00:03:35,220
I saved it up.
47
00:03:36,180 --> 00:03:40,380
£1,255?
48
00:03:40,380 --> 00:03:46,380
Think about it, Dad. All those jobs,
all with severance pay. Soon adds up.
49
00:03:46,380 --> 00:03:50,980
Not wise to keep it all in cash.
I got it out of the bank.
50
00:03:50,980 --> 00:03:53,180
You have a bank account?!
51
00:03:53,180 --> 00:03:58,060
Actually, it's an ISA.
My money works so I don't have to.
52
00:03:58,060 --> 00:04:01,460
No, no, no!
I work so you don't have to!
53
00:04:01,460 --> 00:04:06,700
Thanks, Dad. Give him his money.
Aren't we forgetting something?
54
00:04:06,700 --> 00:04:11,340
Yes, back rent, laundry, phone
bills and damage to property.
55
00:04:11,340 --> 00:04:16,780
What will he do with the money?
None of our business. It isn't.
56
00:04:16,780 --> 00:04:22,380
I'm sure he wants to show you what
he's doing is legal. He doesn't!
57
00:04:22,380 --> 00:04:26,820
I do. You wanna prove your stupid
point! I'm buying a motorbike.
58
00:04:26,820 --> 00:04:33,220
My point's not as stupid
as your point, whatever it is!
What?! I'm buying a motorbike.
59
00:04:33,220 --> 00:04:37,980
Perfectly sensible purchase. He can
go and look for jobs, run errands.
60
00:04:37,980 --> 00:04:43,940
I'm forming a motorcycle stunt
display team. What?! I thought
he was doing something stupid!
61
00:04:43,940 --> 00:04:47,540
It'll be called
The League of Mentalmen!
62
00:04:47,540 --> 00:04:50,380
Oh, how could I be so wrong?
63
00:04:50,380 --> 00:04:54,340
Nick...who is
in this stunt display team?
64
00:04:54,340 --> 00:04:57,500
Just me so far. Oh, and Spike.
65
00:04:57,500 --> 00:05:02,460
Not blind Spike? He's not blind,
he's partially sighted.
66
00:05:02,460 --> 00:05:08,460
Nick, how is Spike
67
00:05:08,460 --> 00:05:15,060
I'll do the riding. Spike sets fire
to the bales of hay, puts paraffin
in milk bottles - technical stuff.
68
00:05:15,060 --> 00:05:22,140
Please, not fire! So y-your team...
Your team consists of you and Spike.
69
00:05:22,140 --> 00:05:25,860
Don't forget Radar! Who's Radar?
Spike's Alsatian.
70
00:05:25,860 --> 00:05:32,580
You've got a dog in your team?
It'll be a show-stopper! He drags
dummies out of burning buildings!
71
00:05:32,580 --> 00:05:37,740
WE thought the stork brought you! I
don't want to pour cold water on...
72
00:05:37,740 --> 00:05:41,340
No need, Mum,
Spike does that as well.
73
00:05:41,340 --> 00:05:46,340
Don't you think it's dangerous?
Yes, it's a stunt display team.
74
00:05:46,340 --> 00:05:51,580
It won't happen. He hasn't
followed anything through
since leaving your womb.
75
00:05:51,580 --> 00:05:59,460
We will see on Saturday. Saturday?!
We're appearing at a rock festival.
76
00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:06,340
Nick, that's not gonna give you
77
00:06:06,340 --> 00:06:09,420
Surely you need a qualification?
78
00:06:09,420 --> 00:06:12,900
All right,
it'll be completely brilliant!
79
00:06:21,060 --> 00:06:23,100
What?
80
00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:29,420
Oh, dear!
81
00:06:29,420 --> 00:06:37,460
I was laughing at the fact of Nick,
Spike, a dog and a motorbike taking
the entertainment world by storm!
82
00:06:40,660 --> 00:06:47,140
It's..f... Well, it tickles me.
83
00:06:47,140 --> 00:06:53,780
He'll crash the bike before
he gets out the gate! Is that
meant to make me feel better?
84
00:06:53,780 --> 00:06:58,500
Let Nick make his own mistakes -
the one thing he's good at.
85
00:06:58,500 --> 00:07:05,220
Exactly! His mistakes are bigger
and better than other people's.
And whose fault's that? Yours.
86
00:07:05,220 --> 00:07:09,060
Mine? You've never given him
a sense of responsibility.
87
00:07:09,060 --> 00:07:13,940
Believe me, I've tried! It's the
one thing of mine he won't take.
88
00:07:13,940 --> 00:07:20,460
It's a fad! What if it's not?
What if it's a career move?
Then he'll have a career!
89
00:07:22,740 --> 00:07:27,340
Glad to see you're taking things
seriously, as usual!
90
00:07:27,340 --> 00:07:31,820
I'm taking it very seriously.
Very, very seriously.
91
00:07:31,820 --> 00:07:37,460
In fact, so seriously I'm going
to go and sleep on it, OK?
92
00:07:37,460 --> 00:07:39,500
Goodnight.
93
00:07:41,500 --> 00:07:48,620
Janey dear, how's the job going?
Boring. Oh, that's a relief!
You're happy that my job's crap?
94
00:07:48,620 --> 00:07:55,140
Yes! It's crap and it's safe.
Just like your father's job.
95
00:07:55,140 --> 00:08:02,220
Or linger for a couple of days!
I'm just serving food to people.
Isn't that what waitressing is?
96
00:08:02,220 --> 00:08:08,220
But they're just people -
shopkeepers, office workers!
Where are the big guns?
97
00:08:08,220 --> 00:08:14,460
You didn't expect to be discovered
on the first day? Your pay packet
will bring a smile to your face!
98
00:08:14,460 --> 00:08:19,300
It's always money with you,
isn't it? Yes. Or murder!
99
00:08:24,300 --> 00:08:27,340
Off I go, everyone! Wish me luck!
100
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:30,860
What do you want luck for? HAH!
101
00:08:30,860 --> 00:08:37,380
You'll get halfway down the road,
realise Scooby-Doo is on and
be here watching it on the telly!
102
00:08:37,380 --> 00:08:39,700
You're not taking this seriously.
103
00:08:39,700 --> 00:08:43,940
Too right. Look, he can't even
finish the name on his jacket!
104
00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:45,980
Nick, don't do this!
105
00:08:45,980 --> 00:08:48,740
You're my only son! Hey!
106
00:08:48,740 --> 00:08:55,500
Apart from Michael. I don't know
what I'd do if anything happened
to you! I've got a list! Ben!
107
00:08:55,500 --> 00:08:59,060
Mum, I can't be your baby any more.
108
00:08:59,060 --> 00:09:03,140
What time's Scooby-Doo on?
109
00:09:03,140 --> 00:09:06,700
I was joking, Nick! Oh...damn.
110
00:09:06,700 --> 00:09:08,740
Oh, well...
111
00:09:09,700 --> 00:09:12,140
Brrrrrrrrm brrrrrrrmm!
112
00:09:12,140 --> 00:09:18,180
Ladies and gentlemen,
Nick Harper's left the building!
Thank you very much! Vrrrrrrrrm!
113
00:09:29,300 --> 00:09:35,820
So what time do you get off work?
Six o'clock. Cool! I was thinking
maybe dinner and a movie?
114
00:09:35,820 --> 00:09:39,300
Sounds great!
What will YOU be doing?
115
00:09:39,300 --> 00:09:42,140
Thought I might get plastered!
116
00:09:42,140 --> 00:09:45,420
Or maybe play doctors and nurses!
117
00:09:45,420 --> 00:09:52,900
I've got a rectal thermometer
and I know how to use it!
AS KENNETH WILLIAMS: Ooh, Matron!
118
00:09:52,900 --> 00:09:56,220
Actually I'm a Ward Sister.
Ooh, Matron!
119
00:10:00,060 --> 00:10:04,740
Hi, guys! How are you, darling?
120
00:10:04,740 --> 00:10:09,140
I've got a broken arm, broken leg,
three broken ribs and whiplash.
121
00:10:09,140 --> 00:10:12,780
You complete and utter...poor thing.
122
00:10:14,340 --> 00:10:16,780
How are you feeling, dear?
123
00:10:16,780 --> 00:10:21,420
Poignant.
How the hell did this happen?!
124
00:10:21,420 --> 00:10:27,460
It was all going so well until
Spike added too much paraffin
to the flaming wall of tyres.
125
00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:31,620
I got blinded by the smoke
and hit the side of a cow.
126
00:10:31,620 --> 00:10:37,300
You were jumping a motorbike
over a cow? Not by design.
She was in the next field.
127
00:10:37,300 --> 00:10:41,580
I see! So you hit a cow.
Was the cow all right?
128
00:10:41,580 --> 00:10:44,420
Brilliant! The crowd went wild!
129
00:10:44,420 --> 00:10:50,180
Did you land your head?
Dunno. My mind's gone blank.
Yeah, back to normal, then.
130
00:10:50,180 --> 00:10:53,220
Nick, look who's come to visit!
131
00:10:55,100 --> 00:11:00,540
Sir Edward Tedworth. Remember him?
Mm. Give it to him, Ben. Why me?
132
00:11:00,540 --> 00:11:04,380
Because you're his father.
I repeat, why me?
133
00:11:04,380 --> 00:11:07,020
I'll leave you two alone.
134
00:11:07,020 --> 00:11:09,660
Susan! Susan, I...
135
00:11:16,540 --> 00:11:18,580
Do the voice.
136
00:11:25,460 --> 00:11:28,060
Sod off!
137
00:11:28,060 --> 00:11:31,100
That's not how I remember it.
138
00:11:31,100 --> 00:11:34,900
Well, that's that, then.
So...I'll be off.
139
00:11:34,900 --> 00:11:40,540
Anything else you need? There's one
thing. Can you pass me that bottle?
140
00:11:40,540 --> 00:11:45,380
What bottle? The bottle over there.
Oh, right, yeah.
141
00:11:45,380 --> 00:11:50,820
Oh...I'll give you
some privacy, OK?
142
00:11:50,820 --> 00:11:55,500
Hang on, Dad.
I'm gonna need a little help.
143
00:11:55,500 --> 00:11:58,340
Help? What do you mean, help?
144
00:11:58,340 --> 00:12:00,460
Duh!
145
00:12:00,460 --> 00:12:04,220
I'm not..er... Come on,
Dad, I don't ask a lot!
146
00:12:04,220 --> 00:12:09,860
Yeah, it's... Come on, you could
do this one small thing for me.
147
00:12:21,940 --> 00:12:23,780
Sorry.
148
00:12:23,780 --> 00:12:25,900
I meant call a nurse!
149
00:12:33,300 --> 00:12:40,020
Haven't you finished washing
your hands yet? There isn't
enough soap in the world!
150
00:12:41,620 --> 00:12:45,660
I don't know, Ben.
The house seems strange somehow.
151
00:12:45,660 --> 00:12:48,700
It is strange. It's a strange house.
152
00:12:48,700 --> 00:12:53,500
I meant with Nick not being here
and Janey working evenings.
153
00:12:53,500 --> 00:12:57,340
Oh, well, more food for us,
I suppose.
154
00:13:01,420 --> 00:13:05,460
It's dawned on me how serious
Nick's accident was.
155
00:13:05,460 --> 00:13:10,140
We're all missing him.
I sneaked my food onto HIS plate.
156
00:13:10,140 --> 00:13:15,460
That's the idea - keep our spirits
up with humour. It wasn't a joke.
157
00:13:15,460 --> 00:13:21,380
I suppose this is how it's going
to be one day. Yeah, quiet.
158
00:13:21,380 --> 00:13:24,900
I hope little Janey's all right
out there.
159
00:13:24,900 --> 00:13:29,260
LITTLE Janey?! Restaurants
can be dangerous places.
160
00:13:29,260 --> 00:13:37,300
She once punched a hole through
a door cos someone used her Donna
Karan T-shirt to strain homebrew!
161
00:13:37,300 --> 00:13:43,700
Ahh, yes, dear little Nicky!
Dear little Nicky? It's like
being in a Dickens novel!
162
00:13:43,700 --> 00:13:50,220
Eat up, Tiny Tim! Mr Scrooge
is gonna come round with a bowl of
gruel! Don't tell me there's more!
163
00:13:50,220 --> 00:13:56,260
Where are you going?
Chess club. Where? Who with?
Calm down! I said it was OK.
164
00:13:56,260 --> 00:13:59,740
You sent my other son into
the jaws of death?
165
00:13:59,740 --> 00:14:05,780
It's a chess club!
I've a feeling that it may be safe.
You don't know that. Susan, relax.
166
00:14:05,780 --> 00:14:10,660
We do not live in a risk-free world.
I suppose you're right.
167
00:14:10,660 --> 00:14:16,180
We can't go wrapping our children
up in cotton wool. Rope, maybe!
168
00:14:16,180 --> 00:14:20,820
We can watch them like hawks,
take every precaution,
169
00:14:20,820 --> 00:14:25,460
but they could get knocked down
just crossing the road.
170
00:14:25,460 --> 00:14:28,700
Michael, I'll drive you there!
171
00:14:28,700 --> 00:14:30,940
LEAVE IT!
172
00:14:34,020 --> 00:14:37,420
Congratulations, Janey. Why?
173
00:14:37,420 --> 00:14:42,460
You've been here a week and you're
in line for a third warning. Yeah!
174
00:14:42,460 --> 00:14:48,540
Table 8 are ready to order. This
affects me how? Paramount Europe
are important customers.
175
00:14:48,540 --> 00:14:50,580
Paramount! Right!
176
00:14:51,660 --> 00:14:55,700
Hello. I'm Janey. I'll be
serving you this evening.
177
00:14:55,700 --> 00:14:58,740
I wouldn't mind a bit of a service!
178
00:14:58,740 --> 00:15:02,580
That's wonderful!
Would you like a drink?
179
00:15:02,580 --> 00:15:05,420
Your place or mine?
180
00:15:07,660 --> 00:15:11,420
- Just four beers, please.
181
00:15:14,860 --> 00:15:19,500
Yes.
182
00:15:21,060 --> 00:15:24,900
Um...do you mind
if I ask you something?
183
00:15:24,900 --> 00:15:29,620
Sure! Have you got any
blockbusters in production? Eh?
184
00:15:29,620 --> 00:15:33,660
You know...action-adventure
or maybe romantic comedies?
185
00:15:33,660 --> 00:15:38,140
Oh, right! Paramount! Very good!
Sorry?
186
00:15:38,140 --> 00:15:44,460
We're not the film company, we're
Paramount Cavity Wall Insulation,
Unit 6 in the business park.
187
00:15:44,460 --> 00:15:51,220
And we want four beers.
And I want a movie career
so we're both stuffed!
188
00:15:52,420 --> 00:15:57,780
There's only stuffing! Look again!
I know that's where I kept it!
189
00:15:57,780 --> 00:16:03,020
Hello! ..I'll come and collect
the tray when you've finished.
190
00:16:03,020 --> 00:16:08,380
Mum, did someone take something
out of Sir Edward Tedworth?
191
00:16:08,380 --> 00:16:10,420
Maybe.
192
00:16:11,860 --> 00:16:13,900
How are you feeling, dear?
193
00:16:13,900 --> 00:16:17,940
At the moment, ripped off.
Oh, what's that?
194
00:16:17,940 --> 00:16:25,900
Macaroni cheese and jelly with
sprinkles. You poor thing! I know
195
00:16:25,900 --> 00:16:31,140
Well, it can be, but this is a good
hospital with good food. Nonsense!
196
00:16:31,140 --> 00:16:36,220
I've got just the thing
to cheer you up! Uhhhh!
197
00:16:36,220 --> 00:16:39,300
Cold ratatouille!
198
00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:45,140
A new dish in your honour!
Haven't decided what to call it
yet. I'll think of something!
199
00:16:45,140 --> 00:16:49,940
I know! Frappatouille Surprise!
More like a nasty shock!
200
00:16:49,940 --> 00:16:52,580
Let's get you adjusted first.
201
00:16:52,580 --> 00:16:59,900
Uhh! Here we go! Isn't this sweet?
Just like the old days when it was
little Nicky and Mummy. Comfy?
202
00:16:59,900 --> 00:17:02,380
Yes. And scared.
203
00:17:02,380 --> 00:17:07,980
No wonder after that stunt! You
won't be doing that again! Er...
204
00:17:09,020 --> 00:17:11,980
Er? What do you mean, "er"?
205
00:17:11,980 --> 00:17:16,060
We are a hit! We've bookings
right through to September!
206
00:17:16,060 --> 00:17:21,340
Haven't you learnt anything? End on
an explosion - the crowds love it!
207
00:17:21,340 --> 00:17:26,780
You're an idiot! A man's gotta
do what a man's gotta do.
208
00:17:26,780 --> 00:17:31,900
Look where you ended up! Every time
I push a button, a nurse appears!
209
00:17:31,900 --> 00:17:38,420
You'll think more clearly when
you've got some food in you!
I won't. Eat something anyway.
210
00:17:38,420 --> 00:17:42,500
Come on. Now, a spoonful for Mummy.
211
00:17:42,500 --> 00:17:48,420
I'm not a baby! OK, OK, here comes
the aeroplane! Ngnnnnnnnnnnnnnnh!
212
00:17:50,460 --> 00:17:53,540
Open the hanger!
213
00:17:54,500 --> 00:17:58,980
I remember that face - it means
you want some more! Here we go!
214
00:17:58,980 --> 00:18:03,020
What do you think you're doing?
What's it feel like?
215
00:18:03,020 --> 00:18:08,860
Feels like you're trying it on.
That's what I'm doing.
There's a time and place for that.
216
00:18:08,860 --> 00:18:13,300
In bed, at night. I don't know
how you can think about it!
217
00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:18,140
I'm not just thinking about it.
There's action involved, too.
218
00:18:19,620 --> 00:18:25,660
Our son is flat on his back
drugged to the eyeballs!
Funny how things never change!
219
00:18:25,660 --> 00:18:31,020
He has multiple fractures. He's as
chirpy as ever! It's a brave face!
220
00:18:31,020 --> 00:18:37,060
It's the stupid face that gets me.
You wouldn't be saying that
if he'd lost an arm or leg!
221
00:18:37,060 --> 00:18:42,500
If he ended up as a head in a jar,
he'd be wearing that inane grin!
222
00:18:42,500 --> 00:18:44,540
He's unstoppable...
223
00:18:45,500 --> 00:18:48,140
..and so am I!
224
00:18:49,940 --> 00:18:56,060
Do you think
I'm the slightest bit interested
in sex after what you've done?!
225
00:18:56,060 --> 00:18:59,500
What, me? This is all your fault.
226
00:18:59,500 --> 00:19:01,740
Oh, it's MY fault! Right!
227
00:19:01,740 --> 00:19:05,900
Of course! I bought the bike,
hired a blind assistant
228
00:19:05,900 --> 00:19:10,140
and drove through burning tyres
into an Aberdeen Angus(!)
229
00:19:10,140 --> 00:19:13,860
Spike is partially sighted.
I can't talk to you!
230
00:19:13,860 --> 00:19:19,900
That's because you feel guilty.
Why do I feel guilty? I haven't
done anything! Exactly!
231
00:19:19,900 --> 00:19:24,940
You ignore him! When have you ever
told Nick how you feel about him?
232
00:19:24,940 --> 00:19:28,740
I'm always telling him!
Where have you been?!
233
00:19:28,740 --> 00:19:33,500
How DO you feel? What, before you
started this conversation? Horny!
234
00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:39,140
Seriously! Have you ever told Nick
that you love him?
235
00:19:39,140 --> 00:19:41,980
Are you completely insane?!
236
00:19:41,980 --> 00:19:46,660
Why can't you say the words?
Afraid people will laugh?
237
00:19:48,140 --> 00:19:51,780
No...no, it's just...you know.
You just...
238
00:19:51,780 --> 00:19:54,140
It makes one feel naked!
239
00:19:54,140 --> 00:19:58,980
I've seen you naked
and I haven't laughed...much.
240
00:20:00,140 --> 00:20:04,500
You can say it to me, can't you?
Yeah, of course.
241
00:20:04,500 --> 00:20:10,740
Well...go on. There's just us.
No-one will criticise.
242
00:20:11,700 --> 00:20:13,340
OK.
243
00:20:13,340 --> 00:20:17,580
I love you. Is that the best
you can do? Try it again.
244
00:20:17,580 --> 00:20:20,540
Look, all right. I love you.
245
00:20:20,540 --> 00:20:23,980
Come on, once again - with feeling.
246
00:20:23,980 --> 00:20:27,580
I...love you.
247
00:20:28,980 --> 00:20:31,700
I...love you.
248
00:20:31,700 --> 00:20:33,860
And I love you.
249
00:20:33,860 --> 00:20:36,900
Ohhh, I love you!
250
00:20:36,900 --> 00:20:41,500
Good. Now, say it to Nick.
No sex for you. Goodnight.
251
00:20:47,180 --> 00:20:51,220
BUZZER SOUNDS URGENTLY
252
00:20:53,820 --> 00:20:56,260
Sorry. False alarm.
253
00:20:57,260 --> 00:21:00,220
Another sponge bath?
254
00:21:00,220 --> 00:21:03,260
Hi, Nick. All right, Dad?
255
00:21:03,260 --> 00:21:07,180
Yeah, I...bought you
some more plums.
256
00:21:07,180 --> 00:21:11,220
It's all right, Dad,
it wasn't that sort of accident!
257
00:21:11,220 --> 00:21:14,740
I've been having a chat
with your mum.
258
00:21:14,740 --> 00:21:18,300
I'm with you!
You not getting any? No...I...
259
00:21:18,300 --> 00:21:21,140
Look, Nick, I'm sorry, OK?
260
00:21:21,140 --> 00:21:28,620
I have to admit the last time
I came and saw you like that,
I just got angry. Yeah, look.
261
00:21:28,620 --> 00:21:31,780
Sir Edward tried to kill himself!
262
00:21:31,780 --> 00:21:35,020
I thought back
to when I was your age.
263
00:21:35,020 --> 00:21:42,740
I thought, "Well, come on!" I was
a bit reckless, I was a tearaway.
Got into a few scrapes. You?
264
00:21:42,740 --> 00:21:45,500
Oh, yeah. You were my age?
265
00:21:47,180 --> 00:21:52,220
Bet you never ended up like this!
It's funny you should say that.
266
00:21:52,220 --> 00:21:58,260
Once summer - I've never told
your mother this - I went round
to my friend Roger Bilbow's
267
00:21:58,260 --> 00:22:03,180
and he lived near
a very busy railway line.
268
00:22:03,180 --> 00:22:06,220
He had this rickety old tree house.
269
00:22:06,220 --> 00:22:10,860
We were a bit bit to go into it
by then but, on a dare,
270
00:22:10,860 --> 00:22:15,100
we took a paraffin stove
and some matches and...
271
00:22:15,100 --> 00:22:20,700
What we didn't know was that Roger
Bilbow's dad had chosen that day
272
00:22:20,700 --> 00:22:25,620
to take the chainsaw
to the lower branches and... Phew!
273
00:22:25,620 --> 00:22:29,060
Go on, Dad, what happened?
Well, you know...
274
00:22:29,060 --> 00:22:32,780
..we got a stern ticking-off,
I can tell you!
275
00:22:34,500 --> 00:22:37,340
Oh, the recklessness of youth!
276
00:22:39,460 --> 00:22:46,300
Yeah...right. I should've been
a bit more reckless in my youth
like you, I suppose. Come on!
277
00:22:46,300 --> 00:22:53,460
I don't choose to do these things.
I'm just me...and you're you.
Put them together, result magic!
278
00:22:53,460 --> 00:22:56,180
Oh, God! So what did Mum say?
279
00:22:56,180 --> 00:22:59,020
Mum? You said you'd had a talk.
280
00:22:59,020 --> 00:23:03,260
Oh, yeah, we've had a little talk
and..um..
281
00:23:03,260 --> 00:23:06,300
Look, Nick, the thing is...
282
00:23:06,300 --> 00:23:09,140
We've had our ups and downs...
283
00:23:09,140 --> 00:23:13,660
and there's something
I should've said that I never have.
284
00:23:13,660 --> 00:23:18,140
Oooh! Look, Nick,
this is not easy for me, OK?
285
00:23:18,140 --> 00:23:25,060
Go on, you've got me on tenterhooks.
286
00:23:25,060 --> 00:23:28,540
I mean... Yes, go on, say it!
287
00:23:28,540 --> 00:23:32,180
I... Michael's joined a chess club.
288
00:23:32,180 --> 00:23:37,420
Oh, thanks, Dad. I know
that wasn't easy for you to say.
289
00:23:38,380 --> 00:23:40,420
No.
290
00:23:40,420 --> 00:23:42,780
Enjoy your plums.
291
00:23:44,780 --> 00:23:47,220
See ya. See you.
292
00:23:49,180 --> 00:23:51,180
Ow!
293
00:23:52,940 --> 00:23:56,980
Excuse me, we ordered
slimline tonics. Slimline?
294
00:23:56,980 --> 00:24:00,940
Talk about locking the stable door!
Just bring them.
295
00:24:00,940 --> 00:24:05,140
Do this, do that. You're just
like my mum! Excuse me?
296
00:24:05,140 --> 00:24:13,060
Right, so that's a slimline tonic
to go with slimline foie gras,
slimline steak pie and chips.
297
00:24:13,060 --> 00:24:17,100
And may I recommend the slimline
sticky toffee pudding?
298
00:24:17,100 --> 00:24:23,140
I don't like your attitude!
299
00:24:23,140 --> 00:24:27,420
All right, Janey, I'll sort
this out. Yeah, fat chance!
300
00:24:29,100 --> 00:24:31,940
I'm fired, aren't I?
301
00:24:33,500 --> 00:24:37,860
Nice, Janey. Perhaps you've
a future in graphic design.
302
00:24:37,860 --> 00:24:43,620
Rub it in! I didn't need that job!
Kate Moss was discovered
walking down the street.
303
00:24:43,620 --> 00:24:48,300
And George Michael was discovered
in a lavatory! Shut your face!
304
00:24:48,300 --> 00:24:51,100
Worthy of Mamet at his best(!)
305
00:24:51,100 --> 00:24:55,340
Hooray! He-e-e-ey!
Hey, this is nice!
306
00:24:55,340 --> 00:24:58,180
Where's the stripper?
307
00:24:58,180 --> 00:25:01,020
Nick, I was joking, OK? Oh.
308
00:25:01,020 --> 00:25:06,700
We thought
they weren't letting you out for
a few more days. Got thrown out.
309
00:25:06,700 --> 00:25:12,740
Out of hospital? Not my fault. I
310
00:25:12,740 --> 00:25:16,780
I was hanging out with the guys.
They were heart surgeons.
311
00:25:16,780 --> 00:25:20,020
Good to have you back. Miss me?
312
00:25:20,020 --> 00:25:22,660
No, Mum's ordering pizza.
313
00:25:22,660 --> 00:25:26,620
- Nice banner, Janey!
- Thanks. I worked hard on it.
314
00:25:26,620 --> 00:25:29,740
See? Even Janey cares.
315
00:25:31,780 --> 00:25:37,820
Spike can have the motorbike
good as new in three days...
if he can find the wheels.
316
00:25:37,820 --> 00:25:43,380
Ben, do something before he kills
himself! Showbiz is in my blood!
317
00:25:43,380 --> 00:25:48,260
Like septicaemia? What'll it take
to persuade you to give this up?
318
00:25:48,260 --> 00:25:51,300
Um...how about...
319
00:25:51,300 --> 00:25:53,940
..a nice big hug and a kiss?
320
00:25:53,940 --> 00:25:56,700
..Seriously.
321
00:25:56,700 --> 00:26:03,500
I am serious, Dad.
Wha...? Go on, Ben. You asked him
what he needs and he's told you.
322
00:26:03,500 --> 00:26:06,740
Yeah, but... Go on, Dad! Yeah!
323
00:26:15,020 --> 00:26:17,260
And the kiss!
324
00:26:18,220 --> 00:26:20,660
A proper one.
325
00:26:29,420 --> 00:26:33,260
Wow! Unbelievable! Yeah! Blerghhh!
326
00:26:34,300 --> 00:26:39,340
We're gonna give up all this stunt
stuff? Jumping over cows, fires.
327
00:26:39,340 --> 00:26:45,420
I'm getting rid of the bike.
Oh, thank God! I'm buying
a microlight. An aeroplane?
328
00:26:45,420 --> 00:26:50,460
That is the stupidest idea I have
ever heard! I got it from you!
329
00:26:50,460 --> 00:26:55,260
Look out for the aeroplane!
Ngnnnnnnh! Open the hanger!
330
00:26:57,500 --> 00:27:03,540
What?! We ordered those pizzas
over an hour ago! I'm hungry!
Where the hell are they? Harper.
331
00:27:03,540 --> 00:27:08,780
Not Harpo, Harper! I'm hungry!
H-A-R-P... Oh, shut up!
332
00:27:08,780 --> 00:27:13,820
You can't have a bigger allowance.
I need it, Mum, I'm not working!
333
00:27:13,820 --> 00:27:18,380
We're gonna get stale pizzas
for free? That's lovely(!)
334
00:27:18,380 --> 00:27:21,820
Is it Christmas Day or April 1st?!
335
00:27:21,820 --> 00:27:28,700
Take your pizza and stick it
up your bread oven with extra
336
00:27:49,020 --> 00:27:51,060
Coo-ee! What?!
337
00:27:52,500 --> 00:27:57,020
Oh, dear.
Sacked another assistant, then?
338
00:27:57,980 --> 00:28:01,020
Subtitles by Pam Atkinson, TFL Ltd,
for BBC Subtitling - 2001
30200
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof