Original subtitles

Relax. Sit back.

Let's take a look! Open wide.

Mr Henshaw, I can't check your teeth until I can see them.

I'm scared. I don't like pain.

I've been a dentist for over 20 years and the only person who's suffered is me.

Another joke? Sadly, no.

Ah...

Miss, could you...? I've already done it. I haven't asked yet.

You're about to do a root canal so you need extra lignocaine.

What? Next patient.

There is no next patient, though there is someone to see you.

Ben Harper! Am I disturbing? I don't want to disturb.

A...

Andy Banks!

The same! Never thought you'd see me again! More of a wish than a thought. What are you doing here?

Dropping by. Your Christmas card said to drop by if I was in London.

Yours said, "Have a nice Christmas", but I didn't have one!

Hello, new girl. My name's Laura.

If you're here tomorrow, I'll learn your name, but now... The excavator and files - on the tray. Thank you.

You're probably wondering how I'm doing. No... Great, thanks.

Sold a string of companies, ploughed the money into the market... Life's great. What have you been up to?

I'm a dentist.

The drill normally gives me away. Bet that can do some damage!

It's all right, Mr Henshaw. My friend is just leaving.

No, I'll be around the whole week. Leaving my surgery.

I get it. You're "working"? We can catch up at dinner tonight.

I thought we had caught up. Is tonight not good? Dental conference.

That's next month. The other thing.

Cancelled. The more important thing. You weren't invited.

The thing you know nothing about.

You're obviously busy.

But it's a pity because my wife's going in for surgery...

I wanted to introduce her to an old mate before she went under the knife. Is it serious? What surgery isn't?

It's all right, Mr Henshaw.

Are you on for dinner, then?

I need to check with my wife.

Great! See you tonight. ..Bzzz!

Seems a nice chap. Yes. Why don't you have dinner with him?

Good!

'The museum closes in one hour.'

SHE REPEATS IT IN RUSSIAN

DOOR SLAMS

'The museum closes in one hour.'

SHE REPEATS IT IN RUSSIAN

What are you doing? Learning Russian. I've a group from Moscow.

Great! How do you say, "Will you buy me Prada shoes?" in Russian?

Let me see.

Ah, here it is. Nyet!

SHE CONTINUES HER RUSSIAN

This morning at breakfast. You wanted an egg-white omelette and a car. Did I get either? Nyet!

If you asked me for something, I'd gladly get it. Help me with dinner.

Then I get the shoes? Then you get to eat! THEN I get the shoes?

Janey, I'm too tired for this. Good. Give in.

'Where's the nearest toilet?' Through the hall, to the left.

SAME PHRASE IN RUSSIAN

Sorry, could you... could you speak in English?

'The bus leaves in half an hour.'

SAME PHRASE IN RUSSIAN

I think we have a ghost.

And it needs to use the toilet.

'The information desk...'

I knew that!

You'll never guess what happened.

Andy called. His wife's going in for surgery. We're having dinner with them at Le Garage. Ah!

My uberassistant phoned you.

She's so efficient she's killing me. I think she's quite marvellous.

I think she's quite fired. I'd almost learnt her name. Can we get a takeaway? No. I'm making borscht.

It's a delicious Russian soup made with beetroot. Isn't borscht the sound you make after you eat it?

If I have to suffer, so do you. If I thought you meant that, I'd never cook again!

Come on, Dad! Open goal! Susan, I'd rather eat borscht than go out with Andy Banks.

He's your friend. He's on our Christmas card list. So's the paperboy, but I don't eat with him!

Let's cancel. No. It's not often I get to meet your friends.

He hasn't got any! I have lots - just none I like.

How did you meet this so-called friend? At the no-friends club?

No, at school. I stopped a group of kids from beating him up.

My hero! I rushed in to hit him myself, but I missed.

Hit someone else by mistake. The gang dispersed. He thanked me so much, I just went along with it.

His wife's ill and he needs your support.

Why do I have to be miserable too?

Being miserable together is what friendship is all about. I thought that's what marriage was!

See anything you like?

< On the menu(?)

I was...just admiring... looking at the oak roasted sea bass.

I know which dish you were checking out!

Ambyr, you look very well for someone who's...in London.

Oh, for goodness' sake! This operation, what is it for?

I'm having a mole removed from my bottom.

I'm afraid it is. It ruins the perfect curve of her peachy buttocks.

Whoo...!

Oh, rack of lamb looks good.

Too bad you're a dentist or you could've performed the operation. Yeah! No...

I always wanted to be a dentist. I ended up a multimillionaire.

Tough break. No, I mean, you're out there doing something.

I just sit around the pool watching my money make money.

Look, Ben. Hard cheese.

You're right, Andy. When you're at the top of your profession, as I am,

I mean, my patients tend to treat me as a god.

I have the power of life and death. Over their teeth.

I imagine you have some wonderful stories.

His spit cup runneth over(!)

Susan's learning Russian. Spotlight on you!

- Russian? Is that right? - Da.

Fantastic!

Learning a new language helps improve oneself.

Take my breasts... Where? What...?

Sorry...

Implants. Got them last year.

Aren't they? My wife's learning Russian, yours has breast implants!

Have you ever thought about getting work done?

There was that thing with your eyes. What thing with my eyes?

Couple of years ago... Crow's feet.

Susan stopped smiling for a week to avoid any more wrinkles.

That wasn't actually the reason.

I've had a bit of work done myself on the...old wedding tackle.

Andy has the penis of a 20-year-old.

Doesn't he want it back?

Your husband is something,

He is!

You get what you pay for. Take those babies! 100% grade-A silicone. What do you think?

I think they're...

Do they come separately or as a set?

A set! An anniversary present.

How romantic! I got a sandwich maker!

Would you like to touch them?

Ben? No! I couldn't!

Give them a good squeeze! I don't mind.

It's not you I'm worried about! Go on, Ben. Don't be rude.

OK...

Do you need a couple of more minutes?

Mmm!

Nothing like a nice home-cooked meal. So why can't you lend me the money?

Sorry, Janey, you failed the credit check. Relax, Janey. I know where you can get some easy cash.

Sell your organs. I told you - I'm not dating your idiot friend Kyle! No, over the internet.

I'm going to do it. People need organs - I've got 'em!

Law of supply and demand. Know how much my kidney's worth? No.

The going rate's £1,200.

Is that all?

How about if I throw in my tonsils?

And a key ring?

Better tidy up before they get home.

What are we going to do with that? Give it to me - I'll dump it.

Then she'll know. Or worse, think we liked it. And make it again!

We dump enough to say we tried it but our palates aren't enough to appreciate the wonders of beetroot.

How's that?

Bit more.

DOOR SLAMS

Children are home early.

You touched her breasts! You told me to! God, you are dense!

I can't read your mind! Same thing! They wanted my opinion. They could have asked you to check for cavities!

They didn't feel nearly as good as they looked!

I mean... Do go on. I'd rather not! Oh, just admit it!

You'd rather be married to someone with a perfect body. I don't want a perfect body. I want you...!

That sounded much better in my head before it came out my mouth!

What a miserable pair. Come on! Your breasts are fine.

I was talking about Andy and Ambyr. Thanks for your vote of ambivalence.

If it makes you feel any better, I'd a worse evening than you did.

Bloody Andy Banks! God!

Why did he end up with the Ferrari and the millions?

And the swimsuit model!

I heard that nod! I'm being serious, Susan.

The Andys of the world have all the luck. At school, he was a loser. I was good-looking, bright...

You've both changed! Life's so unfair.

Why do good things happen to bad people? Bad things happen to good people too! What about me?

I've worked hard. What have I got?

A nice home, three lively children... Go on! Rub it in!

Do you think Andy's happy? If he was any happier, he'd be in an asylum.

So why does he keep sending Ambyr in for repairs. She'll have had so many face-lifts, she'll have a beard soon!

Then where will he be? With another swimsuit model. And in 50 years, he'll be dead.

Go to sleep. Count your blessings.

That's easy. One.

Thank you, darling. Oh, sorry. Two.

'The museum closes in one hour.'

TAPE REPEATS IN RUSSIAN

What are you doing? They say you can learn while you sleep. I like to sleep when I sleep. Shh!

I'm working. Dos vedanya. Bless you.

TAPE CONTINUES

TAPE IS STILL GOING

'The tour bus leaves at noon.'

SAME PHRASE IN RUSSIAN

'Please... Buy Janey Prada shoes.

'Buy Janey Prada shoes.

'Buy Janey Prada shoes.

'Dad, if you're listening, let Janey stay up past midnight.'

Oh, come on!

Come on!

What are you doing? Phone aerobics?

Go away. I just got here.

I'm just trying to prevent my life from going down the toilet.

That's going to be a long call.

Hello?

Andy?

Hi...hi...

It's Ben...Harper.

How does this sound?

"For sale. One kidney. Mint condition, extra-large capacity.

"Runs like a dream. One careful lady owner." Lady?

Marketing, Michael.

Selling my kidney on eBay.

Who's got the business section? Me. No reading at the table.

Should we do something about Nick? I am. I'm ignoring him. Nick's decided to sell his body parts.

Good! Get him out the house bit by bit.

See? Dad supports me. I won't have to when this share tip pays off!

What share tip? Andy gave me some inside information.

Dinablast is about to go through the roof. My son's selling his body, my husband's gambling. It's only 8.15.

It's a one-horse race. Dead cert.

Want a tip? Don't do it!

Susan, I thought we'd start pretty low, £2,000, maybe £3,000...

£2,000...yeah... Where are you going to get £2,000 from?

Nick's college fund. I've got a college fund?

You can't touch the college fund - that's for the world cruise.

What about me?

I was counting on that money.

I knew something would turn up!

£2,000. What have you got to lose?

£2,000. Dinablast may not be such a bad investment. Penny shares can double or triple within a week.

Michael thinks it's a good idea. He's 13!

What are we talking about? Money. Why didn't somebody call me?

Sleep well, Mum? Yes, I had a very pleasant night...

dreaming about the look on your face when I say no.

Maxine's parents bought her a pair. They must love her more!

Some people shower their children with gifts, others with affection.

Where does that leave me? Shoeless.

Dad? When Andy's tip pays off, you'll be wearing Prada feet! IF Andy's tip pays off.

Who's Andy? Andy's my best friend.

Oh... Your imaginary friend.

How is he? Same as ever. Yes, but now he's got millions of pounds!

And the penis of a 20-year-old.

Cool! How much did he pay for it?

Michael, stop playing video games. You'll be late for school. I'm checking the Stock Market!

Oh, God! Not you too! Dinablast is pretty sound. I might invest myself.

What are you talking about? With my minimal allowance, I have to think of the future.

You're too young to invest. Not in the Caymans. For all they care, I could be married. But you're not...

are you? Only for tax purposes.

Michael, how did you learn all this?

Simple. All it takes is five minutes and a bit of know-how.

Can you teach me?

Why? Your father's up to something. I want to learn how to fix it.

Yes!

Oh, yes!

Up 43%! Oh, yes, yes!

Mr Henshaw's back. He's cracked a filling.

Yes! He's not too happy about it.

I'm busy. I can't see him. Yes, you can. I pushed the cavity back.

You... Don't thank me. It's my job. Not for long!

Come along, Mr Henshaw.

Ah, Mr Henshaw! Good!

I suppose you're here, then. Rather not be. Neither would I!

Let's have a look at that boring cracked filling.

Oh, my Lord!

Is everything all right? I'm just going to check your details.

Oh, yes! Oh, yes! This is wonderful!

The filling isn't cracked? It's cracked. You're in for a lot of pain.

You just said it was wonderful. It is - but not for you.

OK, let's get cracking, shall we?

What about the anaesthetic? It would just slow things down. Dear God!

Yes! Isn't life wonderful?

It's great to be alive!

Your wife's on the phone. Tell her I'm with a patient. You're not.

What happened to Mr Henshaw?

Curled up in the foetal position in Reception. Tell him he still has to pay for the appointment.

Failing that, use the broom.

OK...

Yes, dear. How much did you invest? Er...£3,000.

You idiot! I know... I know it's a lot.

Why didn't you invest more? You said to play it safe!

I also tell you to put the loo seat down and you never listen!

Ben, I was wrong.

Enjoy the moment. It may not happen again for another 20 years.

Ow!

He's out.

DOOR CLOSES

Terrific! Dinablast had a multiple of 24 and its EPS has tripled over the last four quarters.

It beat Q2 estimates by 2p.

Its debt-to-equity ratio is 1.9.

Really? Yeah. What does that mean?

No idea.

But it's great! It's wonderful!

What's come over you?

I just felt the situation needed my steady hand on the tiller.

Don't you trust me? Not at all.

Hi, I'm Andy!

There's no way those are real!

Hi, Andy! Hello, Ben! Am I disturbing? I don't want to disturb.

What brings you here? Going to the airport. Want to borrow some money?

You took up my tip on Dinablast?

I was thinking of it anyway, but thanks for confirming it.

You already heard the buzz?

Old news. What buzz?

You staying in or pulling out?

I... What are you doing?

If I had all the answers, I'd have a villa in Tuscany!

We do!

Bye!

Hey, Janey. What do you think? I think you're an idiot!

No, about my Nick Bits logo.

Looks like a mixed grill.

Cool. Do you think anyone would be interested in anything of yours?

Bids on my kidneys are up to £300.

You're joking? Both of them? No, all three. You haven't got three kidneys.

They don't know that! Only you could do something this crazy! I know.

What will you do when there's nothing left? I'll retire.

It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! You won't be saying that when I'm the world's richest toe!

Susan, the remarkable thing about the laptop is it's portable, which means you can take it anywhere...

like downstairs or Berwick-upon-Tweed.

I'm checking on what Andy said about Dinablast. He may be right.

Susan, he doesn't want me to earn as much money as he has.

This financial chatroom says Dinablast is under investigation and it's time to get out.

What? Let me have a look!

You're taking advice from someone called Yoda!

It's not just Yoda. Everyone in the chatroom is saying to get out.

Binky 13, Clubfoot, Stock Slut and Professor Frankenbanker.

Professor Frankenbanker? Can't you hear yourself?

You're trusting total strangers over me. Your point being?

Stay with me, Susan. I'm going with my gut.

Your gut! I'm going with cold hard firm rumour!

Let's get out when we're ahead!

I've never been ahead! I like it! We could be left with nothing except regret.

That'll be the big regret cherry on the big regret icing on the big regret cake! Good night.

Yoda!

I know you're busy, but...

the stock has gone down 22% in the last half-hour and...

I just need an expert opinion.

I've got a maths test! You said it was an emergency! It is! Your mother wanted to sell and I didn't.

Why not? It was up! I couldn't sell when it was up!

My gut wouldn't let me. Michael, what am I going to do?

Get out now and cut your losses. Chances are it's just a blip.

Don't get technical! Do I sell it?

I've known you all my life. Whatever your gut tells you to do, do the opposite.

Oh, no!

You can't...! No!

No...

Hello? Michael Harper, please.

Yes, it's another family emergency.

It's his mother. She's dead.

What now? The stock - it's still sinking. It's less than I paid for it. It's just a correction.

A blip, now a correction! When is it going to be a bloody catastrophe?

Things go down and come right back up. Not at my age!

I'm sorry to hear about your loss.

It's not my loss. It's my dad's.

You know you can go home early if you want.

Thanks.

SHE TALKS ALONG WITH TAPE

'Where's the nearest toilet?'

I'm keeping all my kidneys.

eBay frowns on selling body parts.

Probably for the best.

Can I borrow your credit card?

It's for my new job.

I want to get some business cards.

This new job doesn't require major surgery?

Nothing like that! This one's much better.

Set my own hours, work from home and job satisfaction.

Sperm donor.

Isn't there a minimum requirement?

Yeah. You have to be a man.

Back to the salt mine.

Go away, Michael! How do you like the new shoes?

A lot better if they were in the other room!

Are those Prada?

Why, yes! Everyone's wearing them.

Except you.

SHE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

'Please follow the tour guide.'

Because the tour guide is very sexy.

Flowers?

How much did you lose? Why do you always assume the worst?

Can't I bring you flowers? At least it wasn't chocolates! Then I'd know we lost everything!

We haven't lost everything.

How much are we talking about? Oh, £200... We can go on the cruise!

No, that's all we've got left.

You may as well give me the chocolates. Yep, yep, yep...

No "I told you so"? No "I was right, you were wrong"?

Ben, money isn't everything. We love each other.

We have our children... Yeah.

Still got the other college funds.

Well, I was in the chatroom and Yoda gave me this great tip...

Chocolates?

"Dinablast sky-rockets!" What?

Isn't that always the way? Just when you sold!

Yeah. Isn't life funny?

Glad you kept your sense of humour!

Nick! Come on, Nick!

You're not the only person in this house! Leave me alone!

I'm working!