Original subtitles

Have you done something with your hair?

I'm happy one of us is enjoying my humiliation!

I'm happy if you're happy. I'm not!

Making us wear these costumes!

It's not so bad. Yesterday, I was a beefeater! Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away!

I'm being serious, Ben!

Ever since that American company took over, it's been miserable! Oh...

I'm cramming in more tours, hawking souvenirs, working longer hours!

Working eight days a week...!

It's not fair.

Don't do that again. No, I'll let it...

..drop.

Thank you.

I'm late. I've got to meet a group of Germans in Abbey Rd in 20 minutes.

Hang on.

Morning.

I'm having the weirdest dream. Dad's kissing a Beatle.

Can you just say good morning like a normal person? I think it's Ringo.

Obviously not. I'll go back to bed and wake up. Earth to idiot! You're not dreaming. Right...

If I was awake, could I do this?

I'm awake, aren't I?

Do you have to watch TV in here? Am I bothering you?

Yes. Then, that answers your question.

I'll give it an 8.5. More like a 3.

3? Perfect form, flawless extension.

5-point deduction. Mum saw you.

Warming up for the arse-kicking finals? That's what you'll get!

My boss is coming for dinner, so I want some cleaning up around here.

It looks OK. Which is why you wear glasses! This place is a mess.

It looks lived in. By goats.

That was just the one weekend.

You heard her. Michael, start cleaning.

She said all of us. Don't forget to vacuum.

Hi, Mikey! I hate this house!

Good talking to you too, son!

Good, you're home. For me?! I didn't know you cared!

Clean the guest toilet. We only clean the guest toilet when there's a gu...

We've got a guest. Scott phoned from the airport. I invited him for dinner. Does it have to be tonight?

Couldn't Scott come another... Who's Scott? Scott Tailor, my new boss.

I know him as "that cretinous toad".

He wants to eat in a typical English home with typical English food.

Why's he coming here, then?

I'd love to engage in witty repartee, but I don't have the time and you don't have the wit!

Has it occurred to you I may have plans that I can't cancel?

Which are? Watching the footie... and cleaning the guest toilet.

< Nick!

Love to help, Mum, but I've got this fake limp.

Fake limp?

I'm a bad liar. Why waste time?

Get £20 from my purse. Take Janey and Michael out for dinner.

Do you think 20 will do it?

All right - 30.

What about about my fake disability?

40! 50 if you leave now.

Another week's work done!

Who's winning? Winning? What?

The game? My god! It's on!

Oh, dear! Must've accidentally turned it on when I was dusting...

I don't know why I'm so nervous.

I just want everything to be perfect.

How do I look? You look great! You look so great!

Dinner's going to be great, everything's going to be great,

and if Scott doesn't realise that, he's a bigger fool than you say.

How lucky I am to have such a wonderful husband!

SHE PUTS TV OFF

You can't throw us out! Where are we supposed to eat for £20?

I gave Nick £50. What?

- Don't take Michael to a pub! - I know better than to do that!

Last time, you tried to pass him off as a midget! That's why I know better.

Just go! Have a lovely time. I love you. Don't come back before 10.00. Do as your mother says.

Let's go! Everybody out!

Ben, this evening is very important to me.

You could try to put on a happy face. Remember who you're talking to. This IS my happy face.

Do this for me and tonight...

I'll do the thing.

Which thing?

The THING...or the "thing"?

Both.

You're bluffing.

Can you afford to take that chance?

That's better.

DOORBELL

Remember - he's cheap, priggish and ruining company morale.

So be nice to him! Happy face!

Happy face!

Scott! Welcome to London!

Susan, thank you so much for inviting me to dinner.

I brought a little something.

Oh, tiny little airline soaps! These will come in handy!

Yes, when we move to Lilliput!

This is my husband Ben.

Ben - Scott Tailor.

Heard a lot about you! All good, I hope. Well, I enjoyed them!

TOOT!

That'll be my taxi. Listen, I never got round to changing my money...

Could you take care of it for me?

Of course! Ben will look after it, won't you, Ben? (Happy face!)

While you're at it, could you bring in my bags? Yes. Thanks, old chap.

Not at all, guvnor! Plinky, plonky, blimey, guvnor!

What a great house!

I just love English decor!

Thank you. I did it myself.

Nothing matches with anything - it's so garish and simple at the same time.

You should feel right at home(!)

So, Scott, how was your flight? Cheap.

I traded my first-class ticket in on one in economy and made $2,300...

Ching! Ching!

Imagine if you flew cargo! If they threw in Bonus Miles, I would!

Excuse me! That cab was £50!

50?! Boy, you got ripped off!

(Happy face!)

Shall I open a bottle of wine? I think I'll need something stronger!

I mean for our guest! Yeah... That'll do fine.

I think you'll like this one, sir.

It's the Chateau Margaux.

Please...I brought the wine. Ah, really?

You can never go wrong with British Air cabernet! No, no!

Susan, bring some smaller glasses and a tiny corkscrew.

Don't be silly! Why, they twist right off! Oh, I see!

Mark of a fine wine. Allow me, sir.

Here we are.

My famous shepherd's pie. I could eat a horse!

Well, this is your lucky day!

Mmm! That is delicious!

Really(?) Some people appreciate fine cuisine, Ben!

I haven't had a meal this tasty since a chicken supreme on easyJet!

Remember, Susan, happy face!

So, Scott, I was hoping we could discuss the company's direction.

I have a few suggestions.

I love hearing fresh ideas!

Note to myself. Susan may have some interesting ideas for the company.

Well, I was thinking we should consider getting rid of the costumes.

While they are novel, I feel they distract tourists from the things they should be experiencing.

Interesting. Hold that thought.

Note to myself. Cancel that last note.

Ben, dear, where's the coffee?

Coming up. Won't be a minute.

Take your International London Tour, for instance.

What about it? Look at the itinerary.

The Gap store, lunch at McDonald's, Niketown,

followed up by Planet Hollywood.

They don't even know they're in London!

That's why you're dressed as a beefeater!

History isn't just stupid costumes! Sue, history is old news!

Note to self. This man is an idiot.

Sue, it's a fact. We've done the studies.

People don't come to England for the history. People come to England to see where Diana died.

That was Paris.

You see? That's that British can't-do attitude I'm talking about!

As opposed to the American will-do-anything-for-a-buck attitude?

Do I have to remind you who I am?

No, I have an attention span(!)

What does that mean? Perhaps I should put on my sarcastic outfit!

I...I...

What sort of argument is that?

You... Don't turn it on me!

Coffee? To make you feel at home, yours has been stewed, reheated and served in a plastic cup.

No coffee for me.

I feel sick!

Your wife has triggered my acid reflux. Isn't she marvellous?

I've got to lie down.

About those ridiculous costumes...

Doesn't she ever stop? Only to reload.

I was...this close! What - to losing your job?

To winning him over. I've got him on the ropes. Got him in our bed!

With acid reflux - whatever that is! There is a bright side to all this!

He's wearing my bathrobe, using my toothbrush, sleeping on my pillow! That is the fires of hell!

Meanwhile, the longer he stays here, the more time I have to convince him

that his outlook is misguided and his attitude is simply wrong.

He's your boss, not your husband.

I know what'll cheer you up.

What?

The thing that you promised?

No, the sofa's too small. Oh, OK.

Let's pretend that we're camping, you and I, alone with nature.

Look, Ben! Look...

all the stars are out. Isn't it romantic?

Yeah!

Look! You can see a crack in the ceiling...

made by the weight of a man sleeping in my bed!

No point in cheering you up! I was about to sing a campfire song!

Don't sing me a campfire song...! # Ging-gang gooly... #

Stop it, Susan! Stop singing and I'll stop complaining! Make me stop!

# Hey la, hey la shela

# Hey la shela

# Hey la... #

BOTH: Ooh!

# Shally wally, shally wally

# Oompah, oompah, oompah... #

DOOR CLOSES

Ben, a little to the right. What?

She said to the right.

What the hell are you doing here?

Watching telly. You?

Nick, your mother's boss is upstairs in our bed.

Is that in her job description?

I'm here, you idiot!

Scott didn't feel well, so he stayed the night.

What do you want to watch?

Shouldn't you, like, be somewhere else?

I'm not sleeping with him!

Nick, we're trying to...

sleep. Yeah, that's right.

It's OK. You won't bother me. Out!

OK. I can take a hint.

You want me to leave?

Has he left or has he booked in for another night?

Why don't you go and wake him?

Me? Well, if I go, he might not be dressed.

Janey, go and wake your mother's boss. Ben! Why am I always the one to wake the fat, naked man?

KNOCKING

Scott? Are you decent?

If that's at all possible?

Oh, Scott...

Scott, can you hear me?

You crude, loud, beached narwhal!

Oh, I see! What's this, then, huh?

Didn't exchange our money?!

Thanks, old chap(!)

Scott?

How'd you get home? Like you care? I don't. I'm just curious.

Susan! Susan! I'm cooking! How does he want his bacon?

I don't think it matters.

Looks like he's seen a ghost!

Oh, God! He was naked!

Susan...Scott has, er...moved on.

He wouldn't have left without saying goodbye! He might.

Why send a boy to do a man's job? Michael, go and wake him. No! I don't want anyone up there.

What's going on? He's, er...

he's...he's...

he's...

Superman? He's...

For God's sake! He's dead! What?

- Scratch Superman! - Oh, my God!

I didn't want to say in front of the kids. A dead body?! That's so awful and sad...

Where are you going? To tell my friends!

Can I have his bacon?

I know what he's writing.

"She did it". What?

What on earth are you talking about?

If I hadn't argued with him, he'd still be alive. I feel so guilty.

You argue with me all the time and don't feel guilty. You're not dead...yet!

Susan, you didn't do anything. But I had a motive.

Anyone who ever met Scott had a motive!

The key to this is to act rationally.

Right, rational. Rational...

I'm going to confess! Susan...

let's go over the key part again. Yes, you're right.

We've just about finished.

I did it!

My wife has a psychological disorder. She won't listen.

We had a disagreement and then...I killed him. See?

What did you kill him with?

My argument. A blunt instrument.

Relax, Mum. I'll handle this. I've advised my client not to talk without her lawyer present.

Who are you?

So she can talk now?

He's my son.

Nick, go away. I'd give you my card, but I don't have one.

Michael gets all the attention, Nick's an idiot, Mum and Dad never listen...

Why are you telling me all this? You asked for a statement.

Who's the fit bird? Don't be stupid! She's a police officer!

Me want! As if you have a chance!

You're on.

Mum...one dead guy and you've gone Goth!

Does everything, no matter how awful, come down to fashion? Well, yeah!

Michael, I thought your mother told you to stay downstairs.

But the body's upstairs. My preliminary investigation indicates cardiopulmonary attack.

Death was between 2.25 and 3.45.

Let the officers do their job. Actually, he's spot-on!

FOOTBALL ON TV

Her name's Stephanie. You got her number? What did you say to her?

Told her I'd a bomb in my trousers. That's pathetic!

Yeah, but it worked. Our first date and she felt me up!

Susan, you didn't do anything.

He had a heart attack. Which I gave him.

If you could argue someone to death, I'd have snuffed it years ago.

Come on! How tragic...

that he went to his grave still believing he was right.

Poor Scott!

Poor Scott?!

What about poor me? I found him! I'm going through the trauma.

If this is a competition, Scott won.

He's just getting some rest. You don't think he'd...come back, do you?

So you can argue some more?

He had unfinished business. No, you have. Scott's fine. He's in heaven, dressing the angels as beefeaters.

Don't joke! I get this strange feeling...

There's someone else here. Yes - me! And I want to go to bed.

Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!

That's my side. I'm not going in my side. That's where Scott...

No, when I found him, he was on my side.

You're lying.

I'm not.

OK.

You can sleep on that side. Hop in, Ben.

Yeah, OK.

Don't be silly! Just get into bed.

So, being afraid of ghosts is the height of rationality,

but being slightly squeamish about sleeping on the death side is silly? We're both overwrought.

It's been a long day. Let's just calm down and behave like two rational adults. Right.

It's stupid, yeah.

I'm going to sleep on the couch. OK?

I'll just leave you two alone.

Woooo! No, Ben!

ORGAN PLAYS

It's so small in here.

You would think if you were confessing your sins, they'd make it a bit more comfortable.

Welcome. Oh! Hello.

How are you?

I'm fine. When was your last confession?

I'm a little new to this. Forgive me.

All right. Well, that was easy.

Shall we just get right to the confessions? Right, right...

To be honest, I'm not sure how this works.

I've seen films... You tell me your sins. I give you a penance.

Have you taken the Lord's name in vain or had impure thoughts?

Of course, but that's not why I'm here.

I...

I killed a man. Really?!

That is a sin, right? Yes!

One of the biggies!

I didn't mean it. Of course not.

My boss and I were having this...

healthy debate about his new company policies... Yes? All of them idiotic!

Anyway, things got out of hand... Ooh!

We had an argument and... And?

He had a heart attack.

That's it? Isn't that enough?

So you didn't really kill anyone? Yes, I did - the full force of my argument was too much for him.

You can't argue someone to death. Yes, you can. No, you can't. That's your opinion. Yes, it is.

You're wrong. In God's eyes, you're not guilty.

What does he know?

If I hadn't mentioned the costumes, if we'd talked about the weather,

his heart wouldn't have given out. Surely you can see I'm right?

Father?

Oh, my God! I just can't stop killing!

Father!

Have you tried the Methodists?

Janey...a little help.

I don't see why you get a new bed and I don't. Next time someone dies in your bed, you'll get a new one!

I want to get this mattress down.

What's the magic word? I haven't got time for this!

I want to get rid of this one. Magic word! Please.

That's not it. Try again. There's about to be someone else dead here!

The magic word is money! Yeah, right! Mikey, give us a hand.

She's got a point. We can't work without compensation.

Very funny. After three. Ready? This isn't a sweatshop. One...

Child labour laws. I'm your father, not your boss!

That's just semantics. If you don't help now, I'm going to ground you for a month!

The last thing you want is us hanging around you for a month!

Yeah! Right!

Just try me!

Fine. OK, £5 each.

Careful, Janey. I've got it.

We're almost there. I've got it. Just go.

Steady...steady... Oh, my God!

What? I broke a nail!

I spent an hour doing these.

Don't worry about me - I'm fine...Janey...

Janey!

You OK? Yeah. Hi, Mikey.

Fancy giving your old dad a little hand? Sure.

Seems like a good time to renegotiate terms... Michael...!

I'll give you a few minutes to consider my offer... Mi... Michael!

I don't know

A million reasons!

No... There's something in your eyes that says...

Amore?

Danger.

I get that a lot.

I've always liked danger too. That's why I got into...

whatever it is I'm going to get into.

Can I ask you something?

Why has your mum got this urge to confess?

Mum thinks she talked him to death. Janey thinks it was the food.

I think you're not wearing a bra.

I thought I'd feel better after confession, but I don't.

Maybe that's because you've nothing to confess. I'd argue that point, but I don't want to kill you.

Susan, you want me to be supportive and I am.

So, here goes. You are a very small person in a very big universe

and in your wonderful, but insignificant life, things happen, whatever you say, wish or do.

When does the support part begin? That was it.

I may be be a very small person, but I have very big ideas.

And a mouth to match!

That was said with great love! Really? Really.

So, nothing I do matters?

Well, there is one thing...

I was right! Course you were! You're not saying that to agree with me?

No, I'm saying it to get my leg over!

No, wait! What now?

I just felt something. I should bloody well hope so!

Not that!

Something...something otherwordly...

Well, if...

I do my best.

No, something else. What? Oh, God, not him again!

It's as if he was still here... Yeah, yeah! Whatever...

No, it's no good! I can't do this with someone watching!

I can! You'll have to do it alone!

All right! OK!

I've got a solution to this.

Exorcism. No...

I still feel someone's watching.

Hello, Mum. Hello, Dad.

Have you seen the tool box?

MUFFLED: In the tool shed. Tool shed!

Cheers.