Original subtitles

PHONE RINGS

Ben, the phone.

Susan, the phone.

Ben, the phone!

Do you know what bloody time it is? Oh, it's your mother.

Tell her I'm not here.

It's 5am in the morning. Where else are you likely to be?

Just tell her I'm out. Where, a rave?

You'll pay for this.

Hi, Mum.

Yes, that was Ben.

Yes, he's still a dentist.

Yes, we're still together.

I assure you, we're very happy. I'm not bloody happy! What do you want?

Our address?!

It's the same as it's been for the last ten years.

It's not my fault you haven't come to visit. ..OK, but...

Yes, but...

Oh, Ben wants to talk to you. No, no!

Oh, all right. Goodbye.

Why would I want to talk to her? I say it to get her off the phone.

What was it this time, other than to wake me? She wants to invite us to a get-together. Oh, good - a party!

No, her funeral. She's dying again. She's been dying for 20 years. She still hasn't delivered the goods.

She's trying to trick me into visiting her, the manipulative cow.

Can you imagine living with somebody like that?

Take that back!

I didn't say anything. You were thinking it.

Honestly, Ben! I don't control.

I suggest, I guide, I coax.

Ben, wake up! What? It's your mother on the phone.

I'm not going to visit her. I refuse to play the pawn in her twisted game.

I'll get one of the kids to go.

Are we out of cereal? Yeah.

Are you going to eat that?

Are we out of bread?

It's on the list as well. How about I eat the list? You can have a boiled egg. I don't want boiled egg!

I'll have boiled egg. I'm a growing boy.

Yeah, why don't we build you a trough?

Put trough on the list. Don't be melodramatic. I'm not, I'm starving.

I hate this family! That's being melodramatic.

Our children's problems are important. What's wrong?

Someone's used my herbal peach shampoo and I've run out.

Right, well, we'll just put that on the list, too.

Problem solved. No, it's not. They'll keep using it until I kill them.

No coffee for Janey. I'm going to smell everyone's hair. Stay.

I'll sort this out. Now, sit.

Now, roll over.

You stink! I'm sporting a carefully cultivated scent of beer, smoke and Twiglets.

What's it called - eau de colon? Good one, that.

Michael, your hair looks shiny and full-bodied today.

I had to. The other shampoo dries my scalp. Using mine will kill you!

All right, Janey. I'll give you some money to go and buy six bottles.

Can I get some Chanel body lotion? There's a sale on at Selfridge's.

What's the catch? No catch, but could you get me some facial scrub?

OK. And visit your grandmother. What?! No way!

It'll only take a few minutes. You can kill two birds with one stone.

It'll take more than a stone to kill that woman. Ben! YOU hardly see her!

Her image is embossed on my brain.

Why does it have to be me?

I went last time she was dying. I'll go next time.

And what if she really IS dying? Then I win.

Not funny. Your grandmother won't be around for ever. The deal with the devil fell through, then?

When did YOU last see my mother? Ready for school? Will I drop you off?

Not dressed like that. What do you mean?

I'm standing for school election, I can't afford embarrassments. Can you put on a tie?

How about I drive past and throw you out?

We'd no idea you were standing for office. That's exciting. Early polls indicate I'm leading. Really?

That's my boy! Latest in a long line of Harpers to champion the underdog.

That's why I'm standing as a Conservative.

You can't be standing as a Tory! Why not?

What have you got against persecuted minorities? This is a Labour household.

Right, follow the crowd. Baa-aaa! Baa-aa!

Go to your room. You're sending me to my room because I'm a Tory?

Yes.

See you later, Mum. I'm late for school.

Pinko!

Once again, as I lie here dying, your mother deems it unnecessary to visit and sends one of her minions.

Lovely to see you, too, Grandma. Not that I'm ever disappointed to see you, Janey.

Are you sure vodka martinis are good in your condition?

A martini is a good thing in any condition.

Can I have one? I don't think your mother would approve.

But she's not here, is she? But I want you to do something for me.

Now, promise?

OK. When you see your mum, tell her I was coughing up blood.

That might warrant a visit.

I'll see what I can do. I can throw in a broken hip, too. Good girl.

Tell me, how is young Michael? Oh, fine.

And how is the idiot? Nick's fine too.

No, I mean your father. Oh, this is Wedgwood. It must've cost a bit.

You always make me think I'm on the Antique Road Show.

What does this "M" mean? Last time Michael was here, he marked all the items he wanted after I died.

He's marked everything.

It took him all day. He got writer's cramp, the poor dear. That's really selfish!

Would you like to borrow a pen?

Yes, please.

Thanks.

Oh, wait! That is for your mother.

It's nice. What's it worth?

It was Great-Grandma's favourite piece. She passed it on to me, I'm passing it on to my daughter,

and some day, if she's not too busy, your mother will pass it on to you.

Did Great-Grandma get it from her mum? No, from a French diplomat who said she was the love of his life.

Was she? She was the love of quite a few lives.

So she was a bit of a heartbreaker?

That's to be expected in her line of work. Was she some kind of actress?

She was a performer, of sorts. A singer?

She ran the classiest brothel in the West End.

Are we talking about a house of ill repute?

Oh, no, it was very popular. Great-Grandma was a tart?

Good heavens, no! She was a prostitute.

Mmm! Something smells good! Am I in the right house?

Careful. I'm armed with a whisk and I'm not afraid to use it.

You're home early. Yeah. I had a few cancellations so I think I could... possibly fit you in, Mrs Harper.

I'm preparing dinner. We'll order takeaway.

The kids will be home soon. We'll change the locks. Then I've run out of reasons. Take me!

I'm afraid to ask what's for dinner.

Change the locks tomorrow.

You'd never see such sordid behaviour in a Conservative household. Still a Tory, are you?

Yes. I'm sorry, Michael, you're no longer my favourite son.

Oh, God! It's come to this, has it?

Just in time, boys. I need a taste tester for my sweet-and-sour sauce.

Well?

You got the sour part.

How did your speech go?

the first step to reclaiming Britain from an incompetent Labour government. Ha! Ben.

I'm sorry, Susan, but everyone knows the future of Britain depends on the working man, which means Labour.

Ha! Michael. I'm sorry, Mum. Dad's living in some fantasy land built on a foundation of propaganda.

- Ha! - Nick!

Nothing, I just felt like saying "Ha!"

I've had the most fascinating time. I thought you went to see my mother.

I did. She's not as boring as you think. Were you drinking?

Just enough to take the edge off. I was meant to tell you something...

Oh, yes. Grandma's got the plague and lost her arms. It's ridiculous!

She thinks I'll come running because she feels old and alone. All she needs is a violin.

How will she play it with no arms?

I had a good time talking with her. We talked about loads of things - school, the weather, Great-Grandma.

Oh, yes. Your great-grandmother was quite a socialite.

No, she wasn't. She was a hooker.

Pass the ketchup.

Sh-She was... She was...what? Sorry, who told you this?

Grandma. Janey, Mother probably meant cooker.

Your great-grandmother was a superb chef, like me.

Is it true? Your great-grandmother happened to be a social hostess.

Something wrong with your food? Yes, but that's beside the point.

When you say "social hostess", what you really mean is... I believe you understand me correctly.

Look, I've made my food into a face.

I can't wait to tell Maxine. No, this could ruin my political career!

It was 80 years ago! We still don't want it spreading around. It's the only cool thing about this family.

Are you forgetting the Harper side of the family? Yeah, the dull side.

Don't confuse dull with average. Average, boring, whatever.

If average is the worst people call you, you're OK. Spoken like a true Harper.

With the Harpers, what you see is what you get. Tough luck, Mum.

What's wrong? Huh? Nothing.

What could possibly be wrong? Oh, yeah, let me think.

I've recently discovered I've got a Tory and a prostitute in the family.

Why didn't you tell me about your grandmother? I did. I said she ran a bed and breakfast.

You forgot to mention every room came with a complimentary shower cap and a riding crop.

Oh, for God's sake! So I skipped a few details. You...!

What else don't I know about you?

I'm really a man.

Susan, on our wedding day, we took vows to love, cherish and not to keep secrets.

I've no secrets. How do I know? Next you'll say your mother's a vampire! Which would explain a lot of things.

OK, all right, I do have another secret.

Sometimes I fake it.

That's not funny.

Honestly, Ben! Why get so worked up? After all, you always go on about the dignity of the working people.

I'm proud of my grandmother. She was a successful businesswoman who stood up for what she believed in. Yeah.

She stood up, she lay down, she knelt... Say what you want,

but at least my side of the family were more lively than your side. A handkerchief salesman(!)

A tie salesman, actually. There's more to haberdashery than you think.

Like what? Like...

See? They never did anything. The motto on your family crest should read "Mediocrity or death".

Better than "For a good time, call."

Now we'll see who has the exciting family.

Hi, Dad. Wanna beer? Yeah, thanks.

We've run out, you'd better get some more.

What are you doing? Photos of the Harper side of the family.

Who's the cute girl in the sailor suit?!

That's me.

You were hot!

Get off.

Yeah, behind me, that's the shop.

Huh, the shop.

For four generations, we had the fifth-biggest haberdashery in Derby.

Wow.

Why are these photos all the same?

They're not the same. Look at this.

In this one, your Uncle Harold is wearing a tie in the traditional Windsor knot.

And in this one, he's wearing the Cavendish.

Oh, look at this, the joker of the family - Uncle Charlie.

He looks just like Uncle Harold. No, he's not. He's wearing the reverse Platsborough. Can't you see?

Ha-ha-ha! Did you guys do socks?

Yeah, yeah. We did Ascots and Burlingtons...

You're taking the piss, aren't you?

I mean, come on, Dad! Look at them.

I thought YOU were dull.

Excuse me, the Harper family are not dull.

Do you know that your great-grandfather almost had a knot named after him?

The Harper knot. Where normally the rabbit goes round the tree, through the hole and round the tree again,

the Harper knot, the rabbit goes round the tree, through the hole, up the tree again,

meets another rabbit coming the other way. Oh, it was all the rage.

Until Alderman Jenkins choked to death on his wedding day and, um...

Yep. Everyone knew it was the devilled eggs, but, oh, no, the local wags blamed it on the knot.

Unforgiving business, haberdashery.

Sorry, Dad.

Did you say something after the Harpers' knot?

Then my grandfather expanded and moved on from ties and handkerchiefs into gentlemen's knick-knacks.

Oh, yeah. I mean, hairbrushes were a very big item at the time.

Mr Winslow...

SNORING

I haven't given him any yet. Evidently, I've bored him to death.

You'd better check his pulse.

What happened? Since you nodded off, Mr Harper has covered the highlights

of four generations of his family. I must have been out a long time.

Mmm, about a minute.

Maybe Susan was right. Maybe it's in my blood, I can't help it.

I am just another member of the faceless, nameless Harper clan.

Pish! You've devoted your life to giving patients strong, healthy teeth.

When you've gone, you'll leave behind a legacy of wonderful smiles.

It's pathetic, isn't it? Are you religious, Mr Harper? In what sense?

Do you believe in God... a higher power?

I have faith that someone, somewhere, is punishing me

and it may as well be God.

I believe we're all special in God's eyes. He smiles down upon us all.

In my case, he seems to be laughing, doesn't he?

Well? Who is it? Who spoke? My eyesight isn't what it was.

Oh, stop it, you know it's me. An intruder! My purse is on the kitchen table. Take it, but don't hurt me.

Good enough for me. Susan!

So your eyesight's getting better?

I just wanted to say, since you ARE here, why don't you sit down?

No, thank you. Please, just sit down.

No.

In other words, you won't sit down simply because I've told you to.

If I sit down, that means you win.

You're not still playing that game! You're not a teenager any more.

I win.

It's a joke. Oh, right. Ha-ha(!)

So, why did you tell Janey about Grandma?

I thought you believed in honesty with your children, progressive parenting. Give it a rest!

You never ask my advice about anything. You give it anyway.

Martini? Thank you. You drink too much.

It was nice to see Janey, but I think she looked a little gaunt.

I wouldn't worry. It's probably just the heroin. Very much like Michael.

Come to think of it, I haven't seen him in weeks.

But you know, we progressive parents just like to see how things pan out.

Why can't you answer a civilised question? I will when you ask me one.

How is the idiot?

If you're referring to my eldest son, Nick, he's doing very well and we're very proud of him.

There isn't enough drink in the world, dear. Much as I'm enjoying this mother-daughter quality time,

you still haven't said why you talked about Grandma without consulting me. Did I?

Oh, cut it out! You did it because you knew I'd be so annoyed I'd come straight over.

And did it work?! All right, you win!

So why is it so important to see me?

It isn't. You can go now. I just wanted to see if I still had the touch.

How long's this jelly been in the fridge?

I think it's soup, Nick.

Oh, don't you look precious?

Get off, I'm practising for my debate. So, Mr Harper, what's your position on drugs?

If elected, I'll devote every resource possible to help educate students of the dangers of drug use.

Very good answer, Michael. Yes... if you wanna get slaughtered.

Remember, it's all about spin. Ask me. We all know your position on drugs.

Come on, go with me. Mr Harper, what's your position on drugs?

I will not comment on the vicious rumours of my opponent's frequent use of recreational drugs.

There are no rumours. There are now.

The point of debating is to answer questions directly and honestly, not tarnish your opponent's reputation.

I thought you wanted to win. Yes, fair and square. But you're a Tory.

Hello, Dad. Dad, how was your day?

Dull, forgettable, like the rest of the Harper family.

Don't sell the Harpers short, Dad. This country needs solid, decent, hard-working citizens like you.

Ye-es. From one of my debate notecards regarding the little man.

On behalf of little men everywhere, thank you. You are a significant cog in that well-oiled machine, England.

Shut up!

I think the little man gets your point. No, he's right. I am a cog. Yeah, spare part, really.

I mean, if a bus hits me today, what will my obituary say?

Ben Harper, didn't look both ways.

No, I've got to do something, say something, make a statement.

Something that says the Harpers were here. Something my grandchildren's grandchildren will talk about.

Like when you got a hazelnut stuck up your nose. No, something else.

I could pull a few strings and get you a bench in the park. What for?

It was a very big hazelnut.

Because people who donate a bench get a plaque with their name on it.

Yeah, that's not bad. Hey, how come all of a sudden you're so connected?

I'm in politics. One well-placed phone call, I could have you killed.

It's always the same with her. Nothing's changed. She's still playing the master puppeteer.

But I don't want to talk about it. Good.

Just having tea with her is like negotiating a minefield. Glad we're not talking about it.

One false step and, kaboom! Susan, do you mind? I'm trying to find a park for the Harper family bench.

You don't need one. Why not? You've a prostitute, I'll have a bench.

Why not just build a monument to yourself? Mmm... No, too expensive.

What do you think I should put on the plaque? How about, "Me, me, me."

No, it's not about me, it's about the family. It says, "We were here and we refused to be walked over."

Yes, and now you'll be crapped on by pigeons.

Mum, we're almost out of cereal.

What can I say? People in this house are pigs.

Hey. How was your debate?

Miserable. The first question they asked was, "Is it true you have a prostitute in the family?"

It's such a shame that politics has degenerated into personal attacks.

Isn't it, just? I hope you questioned your opponent's sexuality.

No, I took the moral high ground and said the prostitute rumour was promulgated by communist lefties.

I challenged the accuser to stand up and show themselves. Well done!

Then Janey stood up. What did you say? What could I say? I gave an honest, heartfelt answer.

Oh, Michael, I'm very proud of you.

I said I was adopted.

All right, Gran?

Oh, God!

Mum said you're lonely, so I'm all yours for the evening. Please, no!

Wow! Oh, yeah, and she had a message for you. What was it, um...?

I can't remember. ..Oh, yeah - she wins. I don't know what that means.

Wow! Is this Wedgwood?

Ooh!

Sorry! No...

Hello!

Very good. I'm glad your enjoying MY bench.

It's my bench. Sod off!

No, despite your eloquence, sir, it's MY bench. My bench - Ben Harper, see? That's me.

Yes, donated by me to the good, hard-working people of London

in recognition of four generations of diligent haberdashers who would have otherwise been forgotten. God!

Not another loony!

Take us in it. Cheese! Let's have a nice, big flash.

What are you doing here? Depends how much money you've got.

Oh, no. I'm taking a picture of my bench. See? My bench. Ben Harper.

Sorry, it's me. So you're the bloke who put the bench here. So it's our mystery benefactor.

We don't get much chance to sit in our line of work. Look, move out.

This is our spot. It's a good location near the ice-cream stand.

Chubby men tip better.

Look, how much will it cost me to get you to move on for a while?

For an hour or the whole night? Just her or the two of us? Oh, fine.

Forget it. Don't haggle. Here's 50 quid for both of you for as long as it takes.

Aren't we the frisky one, Grandad?

Where's Michael? Upstairs, working on his resignation speech.

Is Dad OK? He hasn't said anything all morning. He just keeps staring.

He's fine. Not just anyone gets their picture in the paper. At least he's something for the Harper scrapbook.

- He blinked. - Ben, it's not that bad.

Really?

I'm being carted off by a baby policeman,

surrounded by a bunch of strumpets. Ha!

What could be worse?

Oh, please!

It's grainy and not a good likeness at all. No-one can tell it's you.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, hi, Mum.

Yes, it's him.