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1
00:00:01,940 --> 00:00:07,100
The key question is,
have you had any actual experience
as a dental assistant?
2
00:00:07,100 --> 00:00:11,300
Three years at UCH, two years
at Guy's. It's all on the CV.
3
00:00:12,660 --> 00:00:20,580
What about any interesting facts
that didn't quite make it to your
CV? Excuse me? Any quirks or habits?
4
00:00:20,580 --> 00:00:27,340
D'you suddenly burst out singing
whenever there's a song
in your heart? Or forget to come in,
5
00:00:27,340 --> 00:00:34,700
because your chakra's out of line?
Or are you into puppetry - shows
in the waiting room with dentures?
6
00:00:35,860 --> 00:00:39,900
No, Mr Harper. I'm dedicated
and very hard-working.
7
00:00:39,900 --> 00:00:46,380
At the end of the day, the only thing
that matters is knowing you've done
your best. (Your best...) Yes.
8
00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:51,940
It's... I usually settle
for a whisky and a lie-down, but...
9
00:00:53,060 --> 00:00:59,380
Well, I'm quite impressed, Mr...?
James. James...? No, just James.
Like Madonna.
10
00:01:01,620 --> 00:01:04,300
Or Satan.
11
00:01:13,900 --> 00:01:18,180
Being married so long, every year,
there's an anniversary.
12
00:01:18,180 --> 00:01:23,300
It's all right at the beginning.
You can start with small gifts.
13
00:01:23,300 --> 00:01:29,540
But, as the years go by, you have
to come up with something bigger
and more original.
14
00:01:29,540 --> 00:01:33,580
This year,
I'm getting her a set of tyres.
15
00:01:33,580 --> 00:01:36,060
Steel-belted, of course. Uh-huh.
16
00:01:36,060 --> 00:01:41,020
But BIG-Fit haven't delivered them
yet. Four weeks ago I ordered them.
17
00:01:41,020 --> 00:01:44,540
Are they stealing them
from a monkey house(?)
18
00:01:44,540 --> 00:01:47,820
You can start cleaning up now,
Mrs Nancy.
19
00:01:48,820 --> 00:01:51,540
Mrs Nancy!
20
00:01:52,540 --> 00:01:57,740
New assistant.
For some reason only known
to an ill-tempered and pitiless God,
21
00:01:57,740 --> 00:02:02,420
the agency only sends me
the halt and the lame.
22
00:02:02,420 --> 00:02:05,100
You can spit now.
23
00:02:08,060 --> 00:02:10,740
Uxbridge! Last stop, Uxbridge!
24
00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:14,380
Oh...
25
00:02:15,780 --> 00:02:18,700
See you tomorrow, then. Yes.
26
00:02:18,700 --> 00:02:21,180
Not if I change the locks.
27
00:02:21,180 --> 00:02:23,660
All right, Mr Smith, up you come.
28
00:02:23,660 --> 00:02:28,740
Now, let's have a little look,
shall we? ..What d'you think?
29
00:02:28,740 --> 00:02:33,820
Ah, these teeth look more real
than my real ones.
30
00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:36,700
You, sir, are a true artist.
31
00:02:36,700 --> 00:02:39,260
That's...very nice.
32
00:02:40,620 --> 00:02:47,220
Not many patients appreciate
the handiwork that goes into
a set of dentures. Well, I do.
33
00:02:47,220 --> 00:02:52,580
You're the Michelangelo of the molar.
Oh, no need to say that. I mean it.
34
00:02:52,580 --> 00:02:59,340
These aren't just false teeth,
they're 28 individually sculpted
masterpieces.
35
00:02:59,340 --> 00:03:03,660
Each one the same,
but in some subtle way, different.
36
00:03:03,660 --> 00:03:06,220
Different? Oh. Only doing my job.
37
00:03:06,220 --> 00:03:12,220
Come on! Don't you know
how to take a compliment?
I don't know - this is my first one.
38
00:03:12,220 --> 00:03:15,500
Um, sorry, what's this? Your fee.
39
00:03:15,500 --> 00:03:17,980
My f...? No, no, no, no.
40
00:03:17,980 --> 00:03:21,700
Some mistake.
Let me explain the system.
41
00:03:21,700 --> 00:03:28,660
I do the best work I know how,
and then, before I get THAT,
the NHS send me forms to fill in,
42
00:03:28,660 --> 00:03:33,780
make me wait half a year, then I get
THAT, if I'm lucky. You're in luck,
43
00:03:33,780 --> 00:03:38,540
cos I pay cash and I'm gonna be
sending you a lot more business.
44
00:03:38,540 --> 00:03:42,900
The boys who work for me
have been asking about a dental plan.
45
00:03:42,900 --> 00:03:48,700
We bloody well need it, considering
the number of teeth that get broken
in our line of work.
46
00:03:51,020 --> 00:03:53,980
Um...what line of business IS that?
47
00:03:53,980 --> 00:03:55,620
Dance.
48
00:03:55,620 --> 00:03:58,380
Dance. Organised dance...
49
00:03:58,380 --> 00:04:00,980
and waste removal.
50
00:04:02,580 --> 00:04:05,900
Lovely!
There's something for everyone.
51
00:04:05,900 --> 00:04:10,420
Right, just give me a minute
and I'll have you right out of here.
52
00:04:10,420 --> 00:04:14,060
What's that?
I'm just writing you out a receipt.
53
00:04:14,060 --> 00:04:16,540
O-Or not.
54
00:04:17,820 --> 00:04:20,180
Clever boy!
55
00:04:20,180 --> 00:04:22,900
Now we're laughing.
56
00:04:25,540 --> 00:04:28,660
Hi, Mum. Hello, boys.
57
00:04:28,660 --> 00:04:35,340
Boys, got five minutes to help find
something? It's never five minutes.
58
00:04:35,340 --> 00:04:40,900
O, that some night-tripping fairy
had exchanged in cradle-clothes
our children where they lay.
59
00:04:40,900 --> 00:04:48,420
That's why nothing ever takes
five minutes around here. Please! I
haven't found my anniversary present.
60
00:04:48,420 --> 00:04:52,460
So why not wait?
61
00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:56,980
A Millennium Edition Dustbuster.
How about the year before that?
62
00:04:56,980 --> 00:05:02,020
- A Breville sandwich maker.
- Mum's got one.
- Lucky her!
63
00:05:02,020 --> 00:05:07,100
Why don't we ever have sandwiches? I
exchanged it before he gave it to me.
64
00:05:07,100 --> 00:05:09,860
Then, on our anniversary, voila!
65
00:05:09,860 --> 00:05:15,140
I love my gift and he's too forgetful
or too embarrassed to say anything.
66
00:05:16,740 --> 00:05:19,340
Um...I think I'll go home now.
67
00:05:19,340 --> 00:05:23,620
Now do you see
why I have no friends?
68
00:05:23,620 --> 00:05:28,620
At least you don't have to eat lots
of cheese sandwiches! ..Hello, dear.
69
00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:33,780
How was your day? Boring, hopeless
or just plain crap? Unnerving.
70
00:05:33,780 --> 00:05:36,340
That's a new one!
71
00:05:37,540 --> 00:05:42,300
I've got this new patient
who keeps calling me an artist.
72
00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:47,020
Wants to refer me to his mates. That
IS unnerving. Enjoy the compliment.
73
00:05:47,020 --> 00:05:51,780
I did. That's what got me into
this mess. You'll ruin your dinner.
74
00:05:51,780 --> 00:05:56,660
I thought that was YOUR job. No...
my job is to ruin your life! Ah!
75
00:05:56,660 --> 00:05:59,140
What mess?
76
00:05:59,140 --> 00:06:04,140
I dunno. There's something strange
about Mr Smith. Know what I think?
77
00:06:04,140 --> 00:06:09,180
Something negative, I'm sure.
He's an underworld kingpin. I win!
78
00:06:09,180 --> 00:06:12,900
Susan, look - look at this.
He paid cash.
79
00:06:12,900 --> 00:06:15,620
Oh, cash, filthy, bad! Pt-t-tui!
80
00:06:15,620 --> 00:06:20,500
Do you know what he does for
a living? He obviously does it well.
81
00:06:20,500 --> 00:06:22,500
Dance.
82
00:06:22,500 --> 00:06:27,020
Organised dance...
and waste removal.
83
00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:31,260
How delightfully bi-media!
Are you avoiding the obvious?
84
00:06:31,260 --> 00:06:35,980
Yes, because the obvious is
you're a paranoid old fart!
85
00:06:35,980 --> 00:06:42,420
And if I had to acknowledge that
on a daily basis, I'd have
to hire Mr Smith in to remove you!
86
00:06:42,420 --> 00:06:45,220
Janey! Off the phone, set the table!
87
00:06:45,220 --> 00:06:52,940
Go on, laugh, until you wake up with
a horse's head! I've been waking up
with a horse's arse for years!
88
00:06:52,940 --> 00:06:57,700
Who's getting a horse? No-one!
Could you not wear that any more?
89
00:06:57,700 --> 00:07:03,980
What? I love this T-shirt!
You can see your nipples
and it makes me sick.
90
00:07:03,980 --> 00:07:07,540
Can't you dress more your age?
A shroud(?)
91
00:07:07,540 --> 00:07:11,260
Oh! Pretty...!
No, no, no. Get your hands off that.
92
00:07:11,260 --> 00:07:15,780
It's been tainted by the mob!
Better get rid of it fast!
93
00:07:15,780 --> 00:07:18,380
We said that the day you were born!
94
00:07:22,500 --> 00:07:26,940
Why is no-one eating?
We thought we'd let it breathe!
95
00:07:26,940 --> 00:07:31,820
To bring out the bouquet!
I'd rather bring out the bin!
96
00:07:31,820 --> 00:07:34,140
Is this a baby corn?
97
00:07:34,140 --> 00:07:39,140
Of course not! There's no baby corn
in risotto di mare della Susanna!
98
00:07:39,140 --> 00:07:43,700
It's a tentacle.
ALL: Oh!
99
00:07:43,700 --> 00:07:48,300
Why are you afraid
to try something new? Experience...
100
00:07:48,300 --> 00:07:51,460
teaches us that in many ways...
101
00:07:51,460 --> 00:07:54,860
Dad, you're digging your own grave.
102
00:07:54,860 --> 00:08:00,740
KNOCK AT DOOR
Oh! I'll get it! That'll be for me -
103
00:08:02,820 --> 00:08:08,540
So, another anniversary coming up,
huh? Aha! Twenty...
104
00:08:10,460 --> 00:08:13,940
Three. Three! Right, right, yeah.
105
00:08:13,940 --> 00:08:16,940
Have I got a surprise for you?!
106
00:08:16,940 --> 00:08:20,060
And I'll have one for YOU!
107
00:08:20,060 --> 00:08:22,860
Oh! It's still here!
108
00:08:22,860 --> 00:08:27,580
What was it? Some bloke at the door
just left a set of tyres! Oh, no!
109
00:08:27,580 --> 00:08:34,860
There goes the surprise!
I told Big-Fit to deliver the tyres
to the surgery... It wasn't Big-Fit.
110
00:08:34,860 --> 00:08:40,140
More like Photo-Fit! Big, scary guys,
just tossed out the tyres and ran.
111
00:08:40,140 --> 00:08:42,780
I could do a job like that.
112
00:08:44,020 --> 00:08:48,620
Oh, my God! I can't believe
it's starting already!
113
00:08:48,620 --> 00:08:51,740
I can't believe you bought me tyres!
114
00:08:51,740 --> 00:08:56,340
No, Mum, these are all-weather,
steel-belted tyres.
115
00:08:56,340 --> 00:08:59,140
Nice one, Dad! ..You wanna look?
116
00:08:59,140 --> 00:09:04,220
Ruin my surprise?! No, I'd get too
choked up(!) So would your father.
117
00:09:05,260 --> 00:09:09,780
You don't understand.
This is a gift from the mob.
118
00:09:09,780 --> 00:09:14,580
What mob? Dad's involved with
the mob! Why would the mob want Dad?
119
00:09:14,580 --> 00:09:17,660
Target practice(?) Oh, yes!
120
00:09:17,660 --> 00:09:20,420
Fine, laugh - go on, laugh!
121
00:09:20,420 --> 00:09:25,420
Until I botch up a gangster's
filling and mysteriously disappear.
122
00:09:25,420 --> 00:09:30,460
At least I'll have the tyres
to remember you by! What if this...?
123
00:09:30,460 --> 00:09:33,100
There IS no mob! Of course there is!
124
00:09:33,100 --> 00:09:39,980
They control 6.3% of the world's
economy, through drug trafficking,
gambling and prostitution.
125
00:09:39,980 --> 00:09:44,740
Are they taking on staff?
They DO have standards, Nick!
126
00:09:44,740 --> 00:09:47,260
Watch it! My dad's connected!
127
00:09:47,260 --> 00:09:52,300
Nobody's connected! We'll give the
tyres back and not mention it again.
128
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:59,420
We don't accept favours from people
like that. I wouldn't mind something
happening to next door's ugly gnomes!
129
00:09:59,420 --> 00:10:04,740
I like the Baxters! Not the family,
the gnomes! Although...
130
00:10:04,740 --> 00:10:07,300
Stop it, please! We are the Harpers!
131
00:10:07,300 --> 00:10:12,300
Everything we have - the clothes
on our back, the food on the table -
132
00:10:12,300 --> 00:10:16,500
is made from the sweat of our brow!
That explains the risotto!
133
00:10:19,060 --> 00:10:22,060
TYRES SQUEAL TO A HALT
134
00:10:22,060 --> 00:10:25,620
THUD, VEHICLE DOOR CLOSES
135
00:10:25,620 --> 00:10:28,460
VEHICLE DRIVES OFF
136
00:10:29,540 --> 00:10:32,060
Did you hear something?
137
00:10:32,060 --> 00:10:36,060
Yep. Are you gonna do anything?
138
00:10:36,060 --> 00:10:38,700
Yeah.
139
00:10:38,700 --> 00:10:41,940
Goodnight.
140
00:10:59,580 --> 00:11:02,220
Ben!
141
00:11:02,220 --> 00:11:04,780
Ben!
142
00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:11,620
Eugh! Bloody hell! What'd you do
that for? Are you awake? Fine! Good.
143
00:11:11,620 --> 00:11:17,140
Your patient left a big box of meat
at our door. Meat?! What do you mean?
144
00:11:17,140 --> 00:11:19,820
The usual - chops, fillets, mince.
145
00:11:19,820 --> 00:11:26,260
Oh, my God!
What are we supposed to do now?
I was thinking shepherd's pie!
146
00:11:26,260 --> 00:11:29,180
A VEHICLE APPROACHES
147
00:11:29,180 --> 00:11:31,980
THUD
148
00:11:31,980 --> 00:11:35,260
VEHICLE DRIVES OFF
149
00:11:35,260 --> 00:11:38,620
Maybe they forgot the two veg!
150
00:11:38,620 --> 00:11:41,340
Come on!
151
00:11:49,780 --> 00:11:52,580
Was that always there?
152
00:11:54,700 --> 00:11:58,180
I've made a mess of my whole life.
153
00:11:58,180 --> 00:12:03,260
What now? We can't bring it in. It'll
spoil. Maybe we should just keep it.
154
00:12:03,260 --> 00:12:06,860
Is this any way
to talk about your son?
155
00:12:08,580 --> 00:12:12,100
If we accept gifts,
they'll own me for life.
156
00:12:12,100 --> 00:12:17,220
After 2½ weeks, they'll want to give
you back! You find this very amusing.
157
00:12:17,220 --> 00:12:22,060
Can we discuss it in the morning?
I'll say, "I sent it back..." Agh!
158
00:12:22,060 --> 00:12:25,260
Oh, God! My God!
159
00:12:25,260 --> 00:12:29,780
I thought you were
a decapitated horse!
160
00:12:29,780 --> 00:12:33,980
No, I just feel like one -
cut down in my prime.
161
00:12:33,980 --> 00:12:39,940
Oh, Nicky! What happened?
162
00:12:33,980 --> 00:12:39,940
Wonderful!
163
00:12:39,940 --> 00:12:44,900
You'll move out? She wants to marry
someone else. Ah! You're moving out?
164
00:12:44,900 --> 00:12:48,820
She says she loves me
but I show no signs of growth.
165
00:12:48,820 --> 00:12:51,660
No signs of growth? Ridiculous!
166
00:12:51,660 --> 00:12:54,540
Mummy!
167
00:12:54,540 --> 00:13:00,020
So I'LL be moving out! First, you
should get a good night's sleep.
168
00:13:00,020 --> 00:13:06,780
In your own bed! In the morning,
you call Melinda and tell her
you're ready and willing to change.
169
00:13:06,780 --> 00:13:11,900
But I don't wanna change. I like
who I am. I want HER to change.
170
00:13:11,900 --> 00:13:17,700
Now you're sounding like a baby.
171
00:13:17,700 --> 00:13:21,940
May I say something?
Sympathetic or harsh?
172
00:13:21,940 --> 00:13:26,260
Let's see what comes out.
Stop whining! It's pathetic!
173
00:13:26,260 --> 00:13:30,100
I hope that was the harsh part.
Act like a man...
174
00:13:30,100 --> 00:13:34,460
BANG
175
00:13:35,980 --> 00:13:40,740
Dad! Uh?
That's not Mum you're holding.
176
00:13:50,380 --> 00:13:55,460
Am I right in assuming you're not
Mrs Shapiro, my nine o'clock?
177
00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:03,740
And would I be right in assuming
that the doors were locked?
178
00:14:03,740 --> 00:14:08,500
Oh, you could use better ones,
like a deadbolt or a double latch.
179
00:14:08,500 --> 00:14:12,380
And the one round the back's
no use...not any more.
180
00:14:12,380 --> 00:14:18,700
Why do I get the feeling
you're an associate of Mr Smith?
He's my uncle. Ah, family.
181
00:14:18,700 --> 00:14:22,220
I'm his nephew - Mooo.
182
00:14:22,220 --> 00:14:26,500
Moo?
Moo, as in cute little milk cow?
183
00:14:26,500 --> 00:14:30,060
Mooo as in, "Mooo' yer bloody arse!"
184
00:14:30,060 --> 00:14:35,620
Look, I told your uncle, I'd love
to work on some of his...dancers,
185
00:14:35,620 --> 00:14:38,180
but, um, you do need an appointment.
186
00:14:38,180 --> 00:14:40,700
Why?
187
00:14:40,700 --> 00:14:44,220
I'm your new assistant.
You're my what?!
188
00:14:44,220 --> 00:14:46,820
Uncle John said you needed 'elp.
189
00:14:46,820 --> 00:14:50,420
More than I ever feared.
Just tell me what to do.
190
00:14:50,420 --> 00:14:55,180
I've got a good feel for instruments.
You could take out an eye with this!
191
00:14:55,180 --> 00:14:58,900
No! You can't!
Please leave that alone.
192
00:14:58,900 --> 00:15:02,060
'Andsome!
193
00:15:02,060 --> 00:15:08,580
Please, don't touch that,
all right? If you want to assist,
don't do anything until you're told!
194
00:15:08,580 --> 00:15:11,860
Or? Or asked...nicely!
195
00:15:11,860 --> 00:15:19,780
Sorted, yeah. Oh, my God! I always
imagined life would progress from
bad to worse, but not this quick!
196
00:15:19,780 --> 00:15:23,220
I forgot something.
How to use your opposable thumb?
197
00:15:23,220 --> 00:15:28,260
A little gift from my uncle to say
thank you for hiring me. Hiring...?
198
00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:32,500
No, look, Mr Mooo...
No more gifts, all right?
199
00:15:32,500 --> 00:15:39,740
And as my assistant, please assist
me in taking this and the tyres and
the 40lb of meat back to your uncle.
200
00:15:39,740 --> 00:15:47,260
And hurt his feelings? No way! He
won't be offended. Tell that to the
last bloke that returned his gifts!
201
00:15:47,260 --> 00:15:53,860
Oh, wait...you can't!
I... Mm. Right. Right, love this.
This is just what I wanted.
202
00:15:53,860 --> 00:15:58,220
He wants you to open it. I couldn't.
No, he said, "OPEN IT!"
203
00:15:58,220 --> 00:16:01,220
Open it! Yeah!
204
00:16:01,220 --> 00:16:04,100
My God, this is a Cartier watch!
205
00:16:04,100 --> 00:16:08,900
The two-grand Cartier - all gold,
and look at the cute little winder!
206
00:16:08,900 --> 00:16:12,580
Look, Mooo -
I really, honestly can't...
207
00:16:14,420 --> 00:16:18,860
..thank you enough! This is lovely.
Thank you so much.
208
00:16:18,860 --> 00:16:26,220
No, the fillet steaks are sold out,
but we still have one set
of steel-belted radials in stock.
209
00:16:26,220 --> 00:16:31,220
No, we don't take cheques. And
hurry - someone else is interested.
210
00:16:31,220 --> 00:16:37,740
I don't care who you are
or how you got this number,
but you are corrupting a minor,
211
00:16:37,740 --> 00:16:42,740
which I believe is still frowned on
by the courts. Now bog off!
212
00:16:42,740 --> 00:16:45,460
That was my maths teacher!
213
00:16:45,460 --> 00:16:49,460
Any more chops...? Hi, Mum!
What is going on here?
214
00:16:49,460 --> 00:16:55,820
Dad won't take it back
and you say we can't keep it, so
we're selling it. And cleaning up.
215
00:16:55,820 --> 00:17:01,780
Enough is enough! I am not having my
children fencing auto parts and meat!
216
00:17:01,780 --> 00:17:07,020
Mum, if you want a cut, just ask. If
you want to see puberty, just stop!
217
00:17:23,460 --> 00:17:26,100
Oh! That's lovely!
218
00:17:41,940 --> 00:17:44,460
Ben?
219
00:17:47,780 --> 00:17:51,780
I didn't hear you come in.
Oh, I'm in, I'm in.
220
00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:58,380
I'm watching a programme on, um...
Nature. Nature, yep.
Good old reliable nature.
221
00:17:58,380 --> 00:18:03,780
I think I've seen this one. How can
you tell? They're all the same.
222
00:18:03,780 --> 00:18:08,820
Planet ends, Man runs amok,
cycle of life, blah, blah, blah!
223
00:18:08,820 --> 00:18:13,860
It's all so depressing.
No - this one's about sex. See?
224
00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:16,580
The natterjack toad has a problem.
225
00:18:16,580 --> 00:18:22,180
If he wants to mate with the alpha
female, he has to croak the loudest.
226
00:18:22,180 --> 00:18:27,220
But when he does THAT, bats home in
on his call and devour him.
227
00:18:27,220 --> 00:18:29,820
FAINT COMMENTARY
228
00:18:29,820 --> 00:18:33,900
I hope there's not a point
to this story.
229
00:18:33,900 --> 00:18:36,500
It just makes me laugh.
230
00:18:36,500 --> 00:18:40,460
LOUD CROAKS FOLLOWED BY SCREECHING
231
00:18:41,780 --> 00:18:44,460
He's quicker than me!
232
00:18:44,460 --> 00:18:49,220
Ben, you were wrong
about your patient and his gifts.
233
00:18:49,220 --> 00:18:54,460
You never should have accepted them.
Me?! I'M not dentist to the mob!
234
00:18:54,460 --> 00:18:59,500
No, no! You're not blaming this
on me! YOU thought it was funny!
235
00:18:59,500 --> 00:19:06,940
I also thought children would be fun!
Oops! How did we start this descent
into hell? You went off the pill.
236
00:19:06,940 --> 00:19:12,580
You know what I mean! You must tell
Mr Smith it's over. I can't. Why not?
237
00:19:12,580 --> 00:19:17,500
They'd see it as a slight. Gosh(!)
Big, bad gangsters feel a slight,
238
00:19:17,500 --> 00:19:24,500
while our own children are sucked
into a downward spiral of vice.
Can you think of anything worse?
239
00:19:24,500 --> 00:19:29,740
Yes! Me in a shallow grave in Epping
Forest! Right! Me, me, me! Right!
240
00:19:29,740 --> 00:19:37,020
Where are you going? Right, fine!
I'll protect your brood. I went one
better than the natterjack toad -
241
00:19:37,020 --> 00:19:41,500
I cut out the courting and croaking
and mated with a bat!
242
00:19:44,700 --> 00:19:48,660
But I don't understand. I like you!
243
00:19:48,660 --> 00:19:53,180
The boys like you.
We pay on time, we give you gifts.
244
00:19:53,180 --> 00:19:58,300
You've been more than generous, more
than kind, but it's complicated...
245
00:19:58,300 --> 00:20:03,580
because I'm a family man. What about
our family? What about the boys?
246
00:20:03,580 --> 00:20:07,580
Mooo sees you
like the father he never had.
247
00:20:07,580 --> 00:20:12,260
I mean, he HAD a father,
but he died unexpectedly.
248
00:20:12,260 --> 00:20:16,140
What, in a dance accident? Exactly.
249
00:20:16,140 --> 00:20:20,660
Mr Smith,
I wish it could be different.
250
00:20:20,660 --> 00:20:24,100
You know,
I didn't want it to be this way.
251
00:20:24,100 --> 00:20:28,420
Is it Mooo?
Cos I can have him removed.
252
00:20:28,420 --> 00:20:34,340
No! No, no! Mooo's fine. Oh, don't
do that! Mooo's... He's wonderful!
253
00:20:34,340 --> 00:20:38,900
So you wanna keep him on as
assistant? He's not THAT wonderful.
254
00:20:38,900 --> 00:20:41,580
Look, Mr Smith, this has to stop.
255
00:20:41,580 --> 00:20:46,460
What do you mean?
I want to return the gifts.
256
00:20:47,460 --> 00:20:49,820
All of them?
257
00:20:49,820 --> 00:20:55,140
Mm. As if
nothing ever existed between us?
258
00:20:55,140 --> 00:21:00,060
Don't get me wrong - I never meant
for this to happen. That's original!
259
00:21:00,060 --> 00:21:02,580
I don't want to hurt you, Mr Smith,
260
00:21:02,580 --> 00:21:06,140
and God knows,
I don't want YOU to hurt ME, either.
261
00:21:06,140 --> 00:21:11,940
Forget the tyres. Just give me back
the watch. Fine. Straight away.
262
00:21:11,940 --> 00:21:18,540
And don't bother with the meat.
It was a little past its best
when WE found it!
263
00:21:25,420 --> 00:21:30,740
Looking for something? No, just
tidying up, actually. Nice work.
264
00:21:30,740 --> 00:21:36,140
I always thought it was the children
messing up the house - it was you!
265
00:21:36,140 --> 00:21:41,220
Let me help. I don't need it. This
chest is private. It isn't. It is.
266
00:21:41,220 --> 00:21:45,740
Every man needs a private space
and this chest is mine.
267
00:21:45,740 --> 00:21:50,620
No, it's the sock drawer. It isn't.
It's where you hide your magazines.
268
00:21:51,620 --> 00:21:57,060
Well...that was my decoy private
space and you fell for it, ha-ha-ha!
269
00:21:57,060 --> 00:22:02,100
No, this chest is my private space.
Now, go away.
270
00:22:02,100 --> 00:22:07,100
Maybe I don't want to go away. Maybe,
while I was putting away the sheets,
271
00:22:07,100 --> 00:22:13,340
I found a little something -
maybe a gift -
that my darling husband had hidden.
272
00:22:13,340 --> 00:22:18,300
You can't leave things alone! That
fire extinguisher was a surprise!
273
00:22:18,300 --> 00:22:22,460
Fire extinguisher?
Then who was the Cartier watch for?
274
00:22:23,460 --> 00:22:25,940
You!
275
00:22:25,940 --> 00:22:28,300
You!
276
00:22:28,300 --> 00:22:32,260
The fire extinguisher
was a little joke gift.
277
00:22:32,260 --> 00:22:35,260
Oh! Oh! Are you crying?
278
00:22:35,260 --> 00:22:41,780
It's just after all these years,
when I never thought you'd notice
or ever would, and now...
279
00:22:41,780 --> 00:22:44,540
And now this!
280
00:22:44,540 --> 00:22:47,340
And now this.
281
00:22:47,340 --> 00:22:52,980
Are you crying too? Yeah. Oh!
Tears of joy, Susan!
282
00:22:52,980 --> 00:22:55,780
Tears of bloody joy!
283
00:23:03,860 --> 00:23:06,420
I'm in hell, Dad.
284
00:23:06,420 --> 00:23:09,060
Welcome to the club.
285
00:23:09,060 --> 00:23:13,100
I'm in love with someone
who's ruining my life.
286
00:23:13,100 --> 00:23:17,660
Welcome to the club.
Thanks. Any club rules?
287
00:23:17,660 --> 00:23:23,740
Yep. One - if it hurts
or it's embarrassing, shut up.
No-one wants to hear about it.
288
00:23:25,980 --> 00:23:28,780
I love her, Dad!
289
00:23:30,060 --> 00:23:32,940
I didn't think I cared, but now I do.
290
00:23:32,940 --> 00:23:37,900
And I want her back, but I don't want
to change and I don't wanna lose her.
291
00:23:37,900 --> 00:23:43,220
I never thought I could love
another person as much as I love me.
292
00:23:47,940 --> 00:23:50,980
Yep. I know.
293
00:23:50,980 --> 00:23:53,900
It's the same... I mean, I, um...
294
00:23:54,860 --> 00:24:00,500
Mr Smith gave me a £2,000 watch,
and he wants it back, right?
295
00:24:00,500 --> 00:24:05,300
But your mother found it
in the chest, and she thinks I...
296
00:24:05,300 --> 00:24:10,340
bought it for her, when, in fact,
I bought her a fire extinguisher...
297
00:24:10,340 --> 00:24:13,020
which one day might save her life,
298
00:24:13,020 --> 00:24:15,620
and, um, now MY life's in danger,
299
00:24:15,620 --> 00:24:20,380
because I can't give Mr Smith
the £2,000 watch back,
300
00:24:20,380 --> 00:24:22,900
and I just don't know what to do.
301
00:24:22,900 --> 00:24:25,580
Dad, please - club rules?
302
00:24:28,580 --> 00:24:31,380
I have an idea that could help you.
303
00:24:33,460 --> 00:24:37,220
Why not just ask Mum
for the watch back?
304
00:24:37,220 --> 00:24:41,620
You really don't understand women
at all, do you?
305
00:24:41,620 --> 00:24:46,540
That's what I've just been trying
to tell you! OK. All right, plan B.
306
00:24:46,540 --> 00:24:49,340
What you do is set the house on fire,
307
00:24:49,340 --> 00:24:53,820
and then when everyone runs away,
you grab the watch.
308
00:24:53,820 --> 00:24:56,820
Yeah, but everyone could get killed.
309
00:24:56,820 --> 00:25:00,940
So Mum will really appreciate
that fire extinguisher!
310
00:25:03,260 --> 00:25:05,540
Y-Y...
311
00:25:05,540 --> 00:25:11,500
No. Forget it. Your mother's got the
watch, your mother's gonna keep it.
312
00:25:11,500 --> 00:25:17,020
But won't the mob break your legs?
Better than what your mum'll break.
313
00:25:20,940 --> 00:25:22,660
Open it.
314
00:25:27,620 --> 00:25:30,260
This isn't the watch I gave you.
315
00:25:30,260 --> 00:25:32,820
Yeah, I know.
316
00:25:32,820 --> 00:25:37,540
The thing is, my wife's wearing
the one that you gave me,
317
00:25:37,540 --> 00:25:43,820
so I went out
and bought another one. I went
over the limit on my credit card.
318
00:25:43,820 --> 00:25:48,340
It's just like it.
I hope you don't mind. Mind?
319
00:25:48,340 --> 00:25:51,180
Why should I mind? This one's REAL!
320
00:25:53,300 --> 00:25:58,980
Guys, he bought a real one! Next time
come to me - I can get you a bargain!
321
00:26:04,780 --> 00:26:07,500
I miss you!
322
00:26:16,260 --> 00:26:19,220
Your mother home?
323
00:26:19,220 --> 00:26:21,540
Good.
324
00:26:21,540 --> 00:26:25,580
Hello, Melinda.
Glad things worked out.
325
00:26:28,860 --> 00:26:31,220
Who's Melinda?
326
00:26:35,780 --> 00:26:38,620
It's my middle name.
327
00:26:45,060 --> 00:26:48,060
Oh, ye-es...!
328
00:26:49,500 --> 00:26:53,220
Ah! Susan! You're home. I know.
329
00:26:53,220 --> 00:26:56,140
I was out running some errands.
330
00:26:56,140 --> 00:27:00,820
I know. You know?
Yes. The jewellers called.
331
00:27:00,820 --> 00:27:03,140
They did?
332
00:27:03,140 --> 00:27:07,820
Cartier's won't engrave
a counterfeit Cartier watch.
333
00:27:08,780 --> 00:27:13,940
Counterfeit?! They said
the watch was counterfeit?!
334
00:27:13,940 --> 00:27:18,100
Yes. They also said
you were in buying a new one.
335
00:27:18,100 --> 00:27:21,060
You little sweetheart!
336
00:27:23,060 --> 00:27:25,780
When do I get to see it?
337
00:27:25,780 --> 00:27:28,940
When do the jewellers close?
338
00:27:28,940 --> 00:27:32,300
They're already closed. Ah, right!
339
00:27:32,300 --> 00:27:35,300
Well, close your eyes!
340
00:27:35,300 --> 00:27:38,180
I'll be right back.
341
00:27:41,220 --> 00:27:45,860
Two thousand,
five hundred and sixty...?
342
00:27:45,860 --> 00:27:49,180
Five. ..Five pounds.
343
00:27:51,980 --> 00:27:54,580
You're a very good husband.
344
00:27:56,700 --> 00:28:01,940
I...hope this one's real.
Do I look like a crook?
30428
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