Original subtitles

The key question is, have you had any actual experience as a dental assistant?

Three years at UCH, two years at Guy's. It's all on the CV.

What about any interesting facts that didn't quite make it to your CV? Excuse me? Any quirks or habits?

D'you suddenly burst out singing whenever there's a song in your heart? Or forget to come in,

because your chakra's out of line? Or are you into puppetry - shows in the waiting room with dentures?

No, Mr Harper. I'm dedicated and very hard-working.

At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is knowing you've done your best. (Your best...) Yes.

It's... I usually settle for a whisky and a lie-down, but...

Well, I'm quite impressed, Mr...? James. James...? No, just James. Like Madonna.

Or Satan.

Being married so long, every year, there's an anniversary.

It's all right at the beginning. You can start with small gifts.

But, as the years go by, you have to come up with something bigger and more original.

This year, I'm getting her a set of tyres.

Steel-belted, of course. Uh-huh.

But BIG-Fit haven't delivered them yet. Four weeks ago I ordered them.

Are they stealing them from a monkey house(?)

You can start cleaning up now, Mrs Nancy.

Mrs Nancy!

New assistant. For some reason only known to an ill-tempered and pitiless God,

the agency only sends me the halt and the lame.

You can spit now.

Uxbridge! Last stop, Uxbridge!

Oh...

See you tomorrow, then. Yes.

Not if I change the locks.

All right, Mr Smith, up you come.

Now, let's have a little look, shall we? ..What d'you think?

Ah, these teeth look more real than my real ones.

You, sir, are a true artist.

That's...very nice.

Not many patients appreciate the handiwork that goes into a set of dentures. Well, I do.

You're the Michelangelo of the molar. Oh, no need to say that. I mean it.

These aren't just false teeth, they're 28 individually sculpted masterpieces.

Each one the same, but in some subtle way, different.

Different? Oh. Only doing my job.

Come on! Don't you know how to take a compliment? I don't know - this is my first one.

Um, sorry, what's this? Your fee.

My f...? No, no, no, no.

Some mistake. Let me explain the system.

I do the best work I know how, and then, before I get THAT, the NHS send me forms to fill in,

make me wait half a year, then I get THAT, if I'm lucky. You're in luck,

cos I pay cash and I'm gonna be sending you a lot more business.

The boys who work for me have been asking about a dental plan.

We bloody well need it, considering the number of teeth that get broken in our line of work.

Um...what line of business IS that?

Dance.

Dance. Organised dance...

and waste removal.

Lovely! There's something for everyone.

Right, just give me a minute and I'll have you right out of here.

What's that? I'm just writing you out a receipt.

O-Or not.

Clever boy!

Now we're laughing.

Hi, Mum. Hello, boys.

Boys, got five minutes to help find something? It's never five minutes.

O, that some night-tripping fairy had exchanged in cradle-clothes our children where they lay.

That's why nothing ever takes five minutes around here. Please! I haven't found my anniversary present.

So why not wait?

A Millennium Edition Dustbuster. How about the year before that?

- A Breville sandwich maker. - Mum's got one. - Lucky her!

Why don't we ever have sandwiches? I exchanged it before he gave it to me.

Then, on our anniversary, voila!

I love my gift and he's too forgetful or too embarrassed to say anything.

Um...I think I'll go home now.

Now do you see why I have no friends?

At least you don't have to eat lots of cheese sandwiches! ..Hello, dear.

How was your day? Boring, hopeless or just plain crap? Unnerving.

That's a new one!

I've got this new patient who keeps calling me an artist.

Wants to refer me to his mates. That IS unnerving. Enjoy the compliment.

I did. That's what got me into this mess. You'll ruin your dinner.

I thought that was YOUR job. No... my job is to ruin your life! Ah!

What mess?

I dunno. There's something strange about Mr Smith. Know what I think?

Something negative, I'm sure. He's an underworld kingpin. I win!

Susan, look - look at this. He paid cash.

Oh, cash, filthy, bad! Pt-t-tui!

Do you know what he does for a living? He obviously does it well.

Dance.

Organised dance... and waste removal.

How delightfully bi-media! Are you avoiding the obvious?

Yes, because the obvious is you're a paranoid old fart!

And if I had to acknowledge that on a daily basis, I'd have to hire Mr Smith in to remove you!

Janey! Off the phone, set the table!

Go on, laugh, until you wake up with a horse's head! I've been waking up with a horse's arse for years!

Who's getting a horse? No-one! Could you not wear that any more?

What? I love this T-shirt! You can see your nipples and it makes me sick.

Can't you dress more your age? A shroud(?)

Oh! Pretty...! No, no, no. Get your hands off that.

It's been tainted by the mob! Better get rid of it fast!

We said that the day you were born!

Why is no-one eating? We thought we'd let it breathe!

To bring out the bouquet! I'd rather bring out the bin!

Is this a baby corn?

Of course not! There's no baby corn in risotto di mare della Susanna!

It's a tentacle. ALL: Oh!

Why are you afraid to try something new? Experience...

teaches us that in many ways...

Dad, you're digging your own grave.

KNOCK AT DOOR Oh! I'll get it! That'll be for me -

So, another anniversary coming up, huh? Aha! Twenty...

Three. Three! Right, right, yeah.

Have I got a surprise for you?!

And I'll have one for YOU!

Oh! It's still here!

What was it? Some bloke at the door just left a set of tyres! Oh, no!

There goes the surprise! I told Big-Fit to deliver the tyres to the surgery... It wasn't Big-Fit.

More like Photo-Fit! Big, scary guys, just tossed out the tyres and ran.

I could do a job like that.

Oh, my God! I can't believe it's starting already!

I can't believe you bought me tyres!

No, Mum, these are all-weather, steel-belted tyres.

Nice one, Dad! ..You wanna look?

Ruin my surprise?! No, I'd get too choked up(!) So would your father.

You don't understand. This is a gift from the mob.

What mob? Dad's involved with the mob! Why would the mob want Dad?

Target practice(?) Oh, yes!

Fine, laugh - go on, laugh!

Until I botch up a gangster's filling and mysteriously disappear.

At least I'll have the tyres to remember you by! What if this...?

There IS no mob! Of course there is!

They control 6.3% of the world's economy, through drug trafficking, gambling and prostitution.

Are they taking on staff? They DO have standards, Nick!

Watch it! My dad's connected!

Nobody's connected! We'll give the tyres back and not mention it again.

We don't accept favours from people like that. I wouldn't mind something happening to next door's ugly gnomes!

I like the Baxters! Not the family, the gnomes! Although...

Stop it, please! We are the Harpers!

Everything we have - the clothes on our back, the food on the table -

is made from the sweat of our brow! That explains the risotto!

TYRES SQUEAL TO A HALT

THUD, VEHICLE DOOR CLOSES

VEHICLE DRIVES OFF

Did you hear something?

Yep. Are you gonna do anything?

Yeah.

Goodnight.

Ben!

Ben!

Eugh! Bloody hell! What'd you do that for? Are you awake? Fine! Good.

Your patient left a big box of meat at our door. Meat?! What do you mean?

The usual - chops, fillets, mince.

Oh, my God! What are we supposed to do now? I was thinking shepherd's pie!

A VEHICLE APPROACHES

THUD

VEHICLE DRIVES OFF

Maybe they forgot the two veg!

Come on!

Was that always there?

I've made a mess of my whole life.

What now? We can't bring it in. It'll spoil. Maybe we should just keep it.

Is this any way to talk about your son?

If we accept gifts, they'll own me for life.

After 2½ weeks, they'll want to give you back! You find this very amusing.

Can we discuss it in the morning? I'll say, "I sent it back..." Agh!

Oh, God! My God!

I thought you were a decapitated horse!

No, I just feel like one - cut down in my prime.

Oh, Nicky! What happened?

Wonderful!

You'll move out? She wants to marry someone else. Ah! You're moving out?

She says she loves me but I show no signs of growth.

No signs of growth? Ridiculous!

Mummy!

So I'LL be moving out! First, you should get a good night's sleep.

In your own bed! In the morning, you call Melinda and tell her you're ready and willing to change.

But I don't wanna change. I like who I am. I want HER to change.

Now you're sounding like a baby.

May I say something? Sympathetic or harsh?

Let's see what comes out. Stop whining! It's pathetic!

I hope that was the harsh part. Act like a man...

BANG

Dad! Uh? That's not Mum you're holding.

Am I right in assuming you're not Mrs Shapiro, my nine o'clock?

And would I be right in assuming that the doors were locked?

Oh, you could use better ones, like a deadbolt or a double latch.

And the one round the back's no use...not any more.

Why do I get the feeling you're an associate of Mr Smith? He's my uncle. Ah, family.

I'm his nephew - Mooo.

Moo? Moo, as in cute little milk cow?

Mooo as in, "Mooo' yer bloody arse!"

Look, I told your uncle, I'd love to work on some of his...dancers,

but, um, you do need an appointment.

Why?

I'm your new assistant. You're my what?!

Uncle John said you needed 'elp.

More than I ever feared. Just tell me what to do.

I've got a good feel for instruments. You could take out an eye with this!

No! You can't! Please leave that alone.

'Andsome!

Please, don't touch that, all right? If you want to assist, don't do anything until you're told!

Or? Or asked...nicely!

Sorted, yeah. Oh, my God! I always imagined life would progress from bad to worse, but not this quick!

I forgot something. How to use your opposable thumb?

A little gift from my uncle to say thank you for hiring me. Hiring...?

No, look, Mr Mooo... No more gifts, all right?

And as my assistant, please assist me in taking this and the tyres and the 40lb of meat back to your uncle.

And hurt his feelings? No way! He won't be offended. Tell that to the last bloke that returned his gifts!

Oh, wait...you can't! I... Mm. Right. Right, love this. This is just what I wanted.

He wants you to open it. I couldn't. No, he said, "OPEN IT!"

Open it! Yeah!

My God, this is a Cartier watch!

The two-grand Cartier - all gold, and look at the cute little winder!

Look, Mooo - I really, honestly can't...

..thank you enough! This is lovely. Thank you so much.

No, the fillet steaks are sold out, but we still have one set of steel-belted radials in stock.

No, we don't take cheques. And hurry - someone else is interested.

I don't care who you are or how you got this number, but you are corrupting a minor,

which I believe is still frowned on by the courts. Now bog off!

That was my maths teacher!

Any more chops...? Hi, Mum! What is going on here?

Dad won't take it back and you say we can't keep it, so we're selling it. And cleaning up.

Enough is enough! I am not having my children fencing auto parts and meat!

Mum, if you want a cut, just ask. If you want to see puberty, just stop!

Oh! That's lovely!

Ben?

I didn't hear you come in. Oh, I'm in, I'm in.

I'm watching a programme on, um... Nature. Nature, yep. Good old reliable nature.

I think I've seen this one. How can you tell? They're all the same.

Planet ends, Man runs amok, cycle of life, blah, blah, blah!

It's all so depressing. No - this one's about sex. See?

The natterjack toad has a problem.

If he wants to mate with the alpha female, he has to croak the loudest.

But when he does THAT, bats home in on his call and devour him.

FAINT COMMENTARY

I hope there's not a point to this story.

It just makes me laugh.

LOUD CROAKS FOLLOWED BY SCREECHING

He's quicker than me!

Ben, you were wrong about your patient and his gifts.

You never should have accepted them. Me?! I'M not dentist to the mob!

No, no! You're not blaming this on me! YOU thought it was funny!

I also thought children would be fun! Oops! How did we start this descent into hell? You went off the pill.

You know what I mean! You must tell Mr Smith it's over. I can't. Why not?

They'd see it as a slight. Gosh(!) Big, bad gangsters feel a slight,

while our own children are sucked into a downward spiral of vice. Can you think of anything worse?

Yes! Me in a shallow grave in Epping Forest! Right! Me, me, me! Right!

Where are you going? Right, fine! I'll protect your brood. I went one better than the natterjack toad -

I cut out the courting and croaking and mated with a bat!

But I don't understand. I like you!

The boys like you. We pay on time, we give you gifts.

You've been more than generous, more than kind, but it's complicated...

because I'm a family man. What about our family? What about the boys?

Mooo sees you like the father he never had.

I mean, he HAD a father, but he died unexpectedly.

What, in a dance accident? Exactly.

Mr Smith, I wish it could be different.

You know, I didn't want it to be this way.

Is it Mooo? Cos I can have him removed.

No! No, no! Mooo's fine. Oh, don't do that! Mooo's... He's wonderful!

So you wanna keep him on as assistant? He's not THAT wonderful.

Look, Mr Smith, this has to stop.

What do you mean? I want to return the gifts.

All of them?

Mm. As if nothing ever existed between us?

Don't get me wrong - I never meant for this to happen. That's original!

I don't want to hurt you, Mr Smith,

and God knows, I don't want YOU to hurt ME, either.

Forget the tyres. Just give me back the watch. Fine. Straight away.

And don't bother with the meat. It was a little past its best when WE found it!

Looking for something? No, just tidying up, actually. Nice work.

I always thought it was the children messing up the house - it was you!

Let me help. I don't need it. This chest is private. It isn't. It is.

Every man needs a private space and this chest is mine.

No, it's the sock drawer. It isn't. It's where you hide your magazines.

Well...that was my decoy private space and you fell for it, ha-ha-ha!

No, this chest is my private space. Now, go away.

Maybe I don't want to go away. Maybe, while I was putting away the sheets,

I found a little something - maybe a gift - that my darling husband had hidden.

You can't leave things alone! That fire extinguisher was a surprise!

Fire extinguisher? Then who was the Cartier watch for?

You!

You!

The fire extinguisher was a little joke gift.

Oh! Oh! Are you crying?

It's just after all these years, when I never thought you'd notice or ever would, and now...

And now this!

And now this.

Are you crying too? Yeah. Oh! Tears of joy, Susan!

Tears of bloody joy!

I'm in hell, Dad.

Welcome to the club.

I'm in love with someone who's ruining my life.

Welcome to the club. Thanks. Any club rules?

Yep. One - if it hurts or it's embarrassing, shut up. No-one wants to hear about it.

I love her, Dad!

I didn't think I cared, but now I do.

And I want her back, but I don't want to change and I don't wanna lose her.

I never thought I could love another person as much as I love me.

Yep. I know.

It's the same... I mean, I, um...

Mr Smith gave me a £2,000 watch, and he wants it back, right?

But your mother found it in the chest, and she thinks I...

bought it for her, when, in fact, I bought her a fire extinguisher...

which one day might save her life,

and, um, now MY life's in danger,

because I can't give Mr Smith the £2,000 watch back,

and I just don't know what to do.

Dad, please - club rules?

I have an idea that could help you.

Why not just ask Mum for the watch back?

You really don't understand women at all, do you?

That's what I've just been trying to tell you! OK. All right, plan B.

What you do is set the house on fire,

and then when everyone runs away, you grab the watch.

Yeah, but everyone could get killed.

So Mum will really appreciate that fire extinguisher!

Y-Y...

No. Forget it. Your mother's got the watch, your mother's gonna keep it.

But won't the mob break your legs? Better than what your mum'll break.

Open it.

This isn't the watch I gave you.

Yeah, I know.

The thing is, my wife's wearing the one that you gave me,

so I went out and bought another one. I went over the limit on my credit card.

It's just like it. I hope you don't mind. Mind?

Why should I mind? This one's REAL!

Guys, he bought a real one! Next time come to me - I can get you a bargain!

I miss you!

Your mother home?

Good.

Hello, Melinda. Glad things worked out.

Who's Melinda?

It's my middle name.

Oh, ye-es...!

Ah! Susan! You're home. I know.

I was out running some errands.

I know. You know? Yes. The jewellers called.

They did?

Cartier's won't engrave a counterfeit Cartier watch.

Counterfeit?! They said the watch was counterfeit?!

Yes. They also said you were in buying a new one.

You little sweetheart!

When do I get to see it?

When do the jewellers close?

They're already closed. Ah, right!

Well, close your eyes!

I'll be right back.

Two thousand, five hundred and sixty...?

Five. ..Five pounds.

You're a very good husband.

I...hope this one's real. Do I look like a crook?