Original subtitles

Good morning. You're HALF right. It IS morning. This is delicious.

What's for breakfast, darling? Tuscan omelette, honey-bunch!

Someone hide your medication? I'm practising for a chef job.

You obviously didn't get Mum's cooking gene!

Want me to make you one? I've survived your mother's cooking, I'm not risking it by eating YOURS!

Good! More for me! Eh? What IS this?

Tastes like something I remember.

Eggs?

Yes. That's what it is. It's like eggs.

I'll regret saying this, but, good work. I'll make you one. Good.

What are you doing? Following the recipe. It's from Naked Chef.

The Naked Chef isn't actually naked, it's the name of the programme.

I'm willing to go that extra mile!

Did you have your kit off when you cooked this? I wore an oven glove! Nick, that's disgusting!

How are you doing?

Stupid Brian's good at this. Don't call him Stupid Brian!

Sorry. It stuck. Don't know why.

In your hand.

OK! But he is very...kind. Well, you always wanted a pet.

Would you like some tea or coffee?

Well done - you've confused him! Sorry! I'll make tea.

There! You could put a donkey on that!

I was thinking of cookbooks.

What do I owe you?

No wonder they call you Stupid Brian.

PIANO IS BADLY OUT OF TUNE

What in the name of Satan are you doing?

I'm tuning the piano. Why don't I go back to bed,

and, when I wake up, you WON'T be tuning the piano?!

Carry on like that, Dad, and you'll wish your life away!

I tried wishing. It doesn't work.

See...

I met a bloke in a pub who sold me this piano-tuning gear. 80 quid.

Said I could make a lot of money with this.

Well, HE certainly has! It's like Jack selling the family cow for a handful of beans.

Those were MAGIC beans. So, this is a magic piano-tuning kit(!)

Early days yet! Now, hush!

DONG!

DONG!

DONG!

I sometimes wonder if Nick's all there.

Then, sadly, I find...he IS.

He's having fun. He's young. He's older than my bank manager. Look what Brian's done.

Knocked all the books off the shelf? No. FIXED the shelf!

The shelf that I was going to fix? No. The shelf that I ASKED you to fix two months ago! I was preparing.

It's not a round-the-world yacht race!

When will you learn you can't fix a shelf just like that?

Brian did! "Brian did"(!) Let's have a look!

Look at this. Ha! This won't last...

OK!

It'll stay a while. You were right -

Chosen a colour yet?

It needs careful thought. Choosing a colour needs careful thought, but... WHAT colour?

You've forgotten? How can I forget something I never knew?

Are you suggesting I'd decorate without consulting YOU? What did I say?

You said nothing. I was asleep, wasn't I? I've got enough to do without checking if you're awake!

Excuse me. Had I been awake, what I would have said is this - that we don't need to decorate.

NICK SCREAMS

I don't believe you sometimes!

That's better! You haven't even chosen a colour.

Make up your mind! I HAVE made up my mind! Look.

You can sit here, lie here, watch telly...

Why change it? You've got to keep it fresh - like a marriage.

I don't want my marriage to be fresh. I said A marriage. If you want ME to do it,

I've got free time in...a couple of years. That's why Brian's doing it. HIM?!

Oh, hello! He's an imbecile!

Maybe. But he's good at decorating. His dad's a decorator. Oh, cool. So's MY dad!

If Brian's not doing it and YOU'RE not going to do it, what's the alternative?

Anyone got a tuning fork?

Or any sort of fork, really. ..A spoon?

Brian, you can start tomorrow.

Hoi!

What's the big idea? Quantum mechanics. Thanks for the toast. I'll toast you...

You'll be sorry when I'm dead! Morning! I'm glad to see YOU'RE making an early start.

I can't start until Mrs Harper's chosen the paint. Wait - have you been here all night?

No. I've been in Janey's bedroom.

Sorry?

I've been in Janey's bedroom. It's just that I'm a bit...

Deaf?

No. Uh...

What I'm trying to say is...

have you been here all night?

Yes.

In Janey's bedroom? Yes. With Janey?

Hope so.

Look, eh...Brian... there are a number of issues here.

I know. Numbers. No.

Brian!

Oh, right, the tea! Thanks!

Susan! SUSAN!

Mm? Something rather disturbing has happened.

You've made the tea, but you've forgotten to pour it into the cups.

I'm upset! Did the postman not push the letters all the way through(?)

No! Stupid Brian... has spent the night with Janey.

What?!

In her bedroom. With...? Yeah. In her...? Yeah. That IS disturbing!

Puts the tea business in perspective, doesn't it? Yes.

You gonna deal with this?

ME?! I deal with the boys. You've done a great job(!) Thanks.

Well, I need your support. You've got it.

I'm as unhappy about this as you are. Good. Although... Don't weaken now!

But it's not as if Janey's a child. It's not as if she's not had boyfriends.

But we have to tell her it's a matter of parental respect.

We feel her behaviour inappropriate and we want her to consider our feelings. That is SO good!

Agreed? Yeah. We ARE agreed, aren't we? Of course. So what should we do?

Pack up and leave! Ben!

It's vital we present a united front. I'm with you. No backing down. No.

Together, yeah?

Maybe we could leave her a note.

I know what this is about.

Good. Tell Brian he's not to stay the night in your room.

Oh, that! Is that all? "All"?! Nothing! ..Eh...why can't he stay in my room?

Why can't...? Eh... It's perfectly simple.

Liberal parents wake up to reality and turn heavy!

No! No. No. It's...eh...

It's a matter of parental respect.

We feel your behaviour is inappropriate and we would...

like you to consider our feelings.

It's not as if Janey's a child! I mean, we know she's had boyfriends.

What?! I think you're being a little pompous.

Susan! It IS the 21st century. I mean, chill out!

"Chill out"? Like, "Get in the groove, daddy-o"?

If you're so cool about it, why are you here? Thank you! ..Why ARE you here? I...

I don't have a problem with it, it's...Michael. Michael?!

It's just not appropriate while there's a 13-year-old living here.

Michael! Yes? Do you mind Brian staying the night in my room?

Do you think I'm the least bit interested?

See? Janey...

I'm 17. I can do what I like.

You can't vote, drive a mini-bus, work in an off-licence or pilot a civil airliner.

Thanks. Run along and count your spots.

At least MY spots are on my face!

Can I go now? No!

Yes! No! This discussion is not over. Oh, Let's face it, Ben...

whatever they're doing during the night, they can do during the day when we're out. Cool! Thanks, Mum!

Well?

I changed my mind.

So, oatmeal or barley white? You're not dragging me into this.

Why did you change your mind? If you don't help me choose the colour, you'll complain later.

I'm complaining NOW. Come on!

We're down to the last five.

Oatmeal, barley white, taupe, cream or ecru.

There's no difference between any of them! Maybe not to YOUR eye.

They paid someone to come up with five names for beige!

Oh.

You're right. It IS beige. Look, Susan...

next time you change your mind, we're going to have to work out a secret signal. I'm sorry.

It's just... I don't want to turn into my mother.

I don't want you to turn into your mother!

When I was Janey's age, my mother was always telling me what to do. No wonder I rebelled.

You rebelled? Yes. I married YOU.

At least I've got something to thank your mother for!

So the whole ghastly cycle will start all over again!

I don't care! You said present a united front - and what happens? You disappear!

Beige is boring. I wash my hands of both of you!

I was choosing my moment. A battle isn't won until the last bullet is fired.

It IS if you get shot in the head!

If Janey's too much for you, I'LL handle her. Fine!

DONG! DONG! You deal with the boys. No problem.

NICK IS TRYING TO TUNE PIANO

SLAM!

Hello, Stu.

I didn't see you there!

That was me. Why didn't you say anything?

I thought you were tucking me in!

So, Stu, how's the decorating going?

Not much happening, is there?

Why do you keep calling me Stu?

Well, it's short for...eh...

For...eh...Stupid!

Cool!

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Just vacuuming. Vacuuming.

You've been doing the same spot for 20 minutes. I'm being thorough. It's obsessive compulsive disorder!

It's 10am and Janey and Brian aren't up yet! Ah. I'll be downstairs.

Wait! Remember - united front?

I didn't forget! Sssh!

What do you think they're doing in there?

Thanks to you, I'm going to be wondering all day!

Sssh! What? I heard something. What sort of thing? I don't know.

A creak.

A floorboard, maybe.

Perhaps a spring! Oh, God!

Something interesting going on? What are YOU doing here?

You mean, why aren't I in there having sex with Brian? No. Yes. Yes! Sorry to disappoint you!

So, then...chosen that colour yet?

Morning, guv, what can I do you for?

Great Caesar's ghost!

Hello, Dad. What are you doing here? I asked YOU first. No, you didn't.

You didn't tell me you were working here.

If I told you every time I got a new job, I'd never have time to work! ..See the game last night?

What game? There was no game last night.

Work with me - I'm in character!

NICK WHISTLES

Want some paint, then? Ohhh! Hold on, squire, where are you off to?

To find another paint shop. If I'm quick, I might find that YOU'RE not there! Oh, OK.

I need 15 litres of paint mixed, and I can't afford to screw up.

I'm wiv you, guv. Little lady got you under the thumb?

Cheers!

Dad, come on. It's 15 litres. That'll look really good for me.

If I don't keep this job... Well, there's always piano tuning!

Honestly, I won't screw up. I can't screw up - it's all done on computer.

Plus...

I'll give you 10% staff discount.

All right. What's the worst that can happen?

200 quid down the drain! Only kidding!

I type in the code...

What are we doing? ..Oh, yeah, paint. Screw this up, and I'll be scraping you off the wall.

Cool. Grumpy customer! Nice character, Dad!

Are you sure that's the colour? Looks like a tart's boudoir.

It'll be different when it's on.

Looks like a tart's boudoir.

I quite like it. It's like Janey's bedroom.

I knew it. Nick, paint, computers... I should have seen it coming.

I'll take it back tomorrow morning.

Well, I suppose you can go home now, Brian.

Or you can spend the rest of the day with me and the evening and whatever.

I'll just finish up here, then.

Janey! What? A word - in the kitchen.

Mum wants a word with us. Alone. You can talk in front of Brian.

Are you still waxing your lip? Mum!

You know I don't wax my lip. And you know I don't like that attitude. What's your problem? Brian staying?

I don't have a problem with that. It's...it's your father. Yes. It makes him grumpy.

He's grumpy anyway, why change things?

YOU don't like Brian spending the night here and you're thinking of reasons to justify it.

I don't need a reason. I'm your mother!

You can't invite a boy to stay without checking with us. Can Brian stay tonight? No. Why not?

Because! That's not a reason!

It's a very good reason. Why? Because we didn't do it in OUR day.

You did. You're just jealous because you felt guilty about it and I don't.

So, did you tell her? Yes. WHAT did you tell her?

I said YOU were very unhappy with the Brian situation.

Oh, that's great. Why are you always turning ME into the pompous fart? Because it's so easy.

Stop playing the kind, enlightened child of the sixties.

Well, I am. No. You WERE. Wake up, hippy, Woodstock's over.

I'm sorry. But when I was talking to Janey, I heard my mother's voice coming out of my mouth.

It was like The Exorcist! You can't do this! You can't wear that!

Where are you going? You'll never be popular if you don't brush your HAAAAAAIIIRRR!

So, did you use that voice? How did she take it?

I don't know and I don't care.

Never mind your mother, you're beginning to sound like ME!

COME ON!

I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE! HURRY UP...

you useless idiot! Excuse me?

Sorry. I was expecting a useless idiot.

I'm sorry to disappoint you. Sorry. Where's Nick? Hm?

Nick Harper, the bloke working here yesterday. I'm still not with you.

He sold me this revolting paint.

He managed to produce something the colour of a meerkat's vomit.

I don't think so, sir. I'd like my money back, please.

I don't think so, sir. I'd like my money back. I... We could go on like this for some time...

and I'd rather be here than at home.

It's very simple, there was no Nick Harper working here yesterday. Six-foot-two, reddish hair.

Oh, you mean Cliff Challenger. Cliff Challenger?

Why didn't you say so before, sir? Because he... Yeah.

So, I'd like my money back, please.

It couldn't have been Cliff who mixed this paint. He's been our best worker ever. What?

He's been promoted to head office.

You're lying, aren't you? Yes. You know how I know you're lying? No.

Because "Cliff Challenger" is my son and his talents do NOT lie in the executive area.

Your son? Then perhaps you'd write your full name and address here.

So glad we're seeing sense. So we know where to send the bill. What bill?

For offering random staff discounts to his friends, family and busloads of complete strangers,

for instituting an all-day happy hour...

and for wasting 22 litres of paint on a mural of Britney Spears on the wall outside.

Look, whatever my son has or hasn't done,

I'd just like my money back. It's YOUR fault.

What do you mean? You knew he was an idiot when you bought it!

My son is not an idiot.

Yeah. OK. How much do you want?

NICK!

Yes?

Nothing.

If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's once a piano tuner, always a piano tuner.

Best to stick to what you're good at.

CLANG!

Oh, dear.

Did you get the paint?

Don't push me. I'm too tired for sarcasm. You angel.

And it's the right colour, too!

Are you sure?

Maybe.

Maybe we should go for bolder colours.

How about dried blood?!

Oooh!

Ben.

How about soap stone?

Soap stone? Soap stone? You LIKE soap stone?

Hmm!

Y...nah...

Soap stone's good. It's warm. It goes with the furniture.

Come on, Susan, choose soap stone. Mmm... Y...

Brian, are you coming to bed?

Are you determined to defy me? I haven't given it much thought. Janey! Enough is enough. Thank you.

She was about to make a decision and you distract her with your infernal teenage lusts!

"So, you like soap stone?

"Y... N...

"Oooh, I don't know."

Is it all right if I wait in here? Yeah. Come in.

There's always room for two in my personal hell! Cheers.

So...

what do you do if someone you respect asks you to do something that you don't think is right in the bedroom?

What?! Or the toilet.

I'm sorry. Too much information. I'm not saying I'm not up for it.

Brian, whatever you and my... Janey get up to is...

is...and... I just don't wanna know about it.

It's not Janey. It's your wife.

What?! She wants me to decorate your bedroom and the toilet.

Is that all? So you're happy about it, then?

A lot happier than the thing I thought... Can we talk about Janey now?

No! She's doing my nut in! Welcome to the family! If I stay, I'll upset your missus, if I don't,

I'm gonna upset Janey. Whatever I do, I'm gonna upset somebody. Welcome to the family!

You know, Brian...

I don't care.

I'm tired - mentally, physically, emotionally. I just wanna go to bed.

So do I. But where?

Brian, haven't you got any initiative?

No.

So, when you go home tonight...

put your ladder up against Janey's bedroom, and, bingo!

Bingo! I don't think that's what she's got in mind.

Look, Brian, uh...

people don't mind things when they don't know that it's happening.

OK. But don't you think the whole thing's a bit... What's the word?

Hypocritical.

No. Difficult.

We've got to do something about that girl. It's... ..All sorted out.

What? If you want something done, get a man to do it.

Brian's going home. What did you say? Put my foot down. ..OK, Brian?

Mr H. Mrs.

Safe journey home. OK?

I'm not going home... Oh, yeah. Good night!

What did you do? I deal with the boys, OK? Now, you do me the courtesy of picking a bloody colour!

I'm beginning to think the room was better the way it was.

What?

I mean, the living room's fine.

You can sit in it, watch telly in it, it's cosy enough, comfortable... Not any more!

I can't take the stress.. and you haven't been much help.

I haven't been much...?

Listen, you. You listen to me.

I've been back and forth to the paint shop eight times,

while you make up your mind between cuttlefish, salmon pink and squid!

I've spent £600 on paint, £200 on Nick's staff discount,

not to mention the small fortune it'll cost to repair that piano!

Stress? You don't know the meaning of the word! And now you've got the bloody gall to say I'm no help!

That's it! That's the colour!

Sorry! Just getting Janey a glass of water.

DONG!

DONG!

DONG!

ALL KEYS SOUND THE SAME

Pretty good, eh?

Nick, you've managed to tune the whole piano to the same note. That's right.

Middle C.

Perfect.

What in the name of all the gods is the point of that? What is the point of a sunset?

What is the point of a snowflake? What is the point of a butterfly's wing?

You're right. What is the point?

What is the point?

As long as that bloody row is over and done with.

DONG!

Hold on. That's not middle C.

I'd better start again.