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1
00:00:01,980 --> 00:00:05,780
Very good, Mr Ross.
You're doing well.
2
00:00:05,780 --> 00:00:11,420
Oh, my... Is that supposed to happen?
3
00:00:11,420 --> 00:00:14,660
Is it
supposed to be bleeding that much?
4
00:00:14,660 --> 00:00:19,500
Sorry? It's like Reservoir Dogs,
where the guy gets his ear cut off.
5
00:00:19,500 --> 00:00:22,660
Excuse me. Give me a cotton pack.
6
00:00:22,660 --> 00:00:25,140
Now, stick it in your mouth.
7
00:00:25,140 --> 00:00:28,980
Sorry, Mr Harper.
It's just I get queasy.
8
00:00:28,980 --> 00:00:33,100
Then why did the agency send you?
They tricked me.
9
00:00:33,100 --> 00:00:37,980
You and me both. Come here and give
me a hand. Can I stand by the door?
10
00:00:37,980 --> 00:00:43,220
No, I need you HERE so you can
assist me. Can I close my eyes?
11
00:00:43,220 --> 00:00:45,820
Pass me the scaler.
12
00:00:46,940 --> 00:00:49,620
..Oh, for God's sake!
13
00:00:49,620 --> 00:00:52,780
Sorry. You go ahead.
14
00:00:52,780 --> 00:00:55,100
..I'll be fine.
15
00:01:01,620 --> 00:01:04,380
You're fired.
16
00:01:11,580 --> 00:01:17,900
What's this one? Junction on bend
ahead. Good. As far as it goes.
How about this?
17
00:01:17,900 --> 00:01:23,380
Maximum speed 30mph. Correct.
If there's nobody looking. Shut up!
18
00:01:23,380 --> 00:01:26,420
Driving in the real world's
nothing like
19
00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:29,460
the driving you need to pass.
Haven't passed yet.
20
00:01:29,460 --> 00:01:34,980
But driving schools tell you to keep
two hands on the wheel. Honestly!
21
00:01:36,740 --> 00:01:41,380
If you've got a phone in one hand
and a kebab in the other...
22
00:01:41,380 --> 00:01:44,380
How about this one? No right turn.
23
00:01:44,380 --> 00:01:50,020
Unless you REALLY need to. Nick!
And you're in a hurry.
What does THIS sign mean?
24
00:01:50,020 --> 00:01:52,740
Um, road narrows on both sides?
25
00:01:52,740 --> 00:01:59,100
Going well(!) My instructor says
I need more practice.
He would, at 20 quid a lesson!
26
00:01:59,100 --> 00:02:03,220
My test's in two weeks.
You just need an adult with you.
27
00:02:03,220 --> 00:02:07,460
- Ready when you are, Janey.
- I SAID an adult.
28
00:02:07,460 --> 00:02:11,940
I can't take you. I have three
new tours to devise. Are you insane?
29
00:02:11,940 --> 00:02:19,540
That leaves one person. If you catch
him in a good mood... My test's in
two weeks. Choose the right moment.
30
00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:22,220
OH, BOLLOCKING HELL!!
31
00:02:22,220 --> 00:02:27,340
Which will happen one of these days.
Keep the dream alive(!) Let's go.
32
00:02:27,340 --> 00:02:31,780
NEXT DOOR'S SODDING DOG CRAPPED
ON THE SODDING DOORSTEP AGAIN!
33
00:02:31,780 --> 00:02:34,220
At least you didn't step on it.
34
00:02:35,580 --> 00:02:38,260
I'll get you the newspaper.
35
00:02:38,260 --> 00:02:43,140
How would Mr Casey like it
if I let Nick crap on his lawn?
36
00:02:43,140 --> 00:02:44,980
I'll do it for cash!
37
00:02:44,980 --> 00:02:47,540
I'll bear that in mind.
38
00:02:47,540 --> 00:02:52,540
Whatever possessed Mr Casey
to get a dog? Huh!
39
00:02:52,540 --> 00:02:56,580
Yapping all day when it's left alone
in the house.
40
00:02:56,580 --> 00:03:00,580
Breaking through my fence,
digging up my lawn...
41
00:03:00,580 --> 00:03:07,740
He looks at me funny when I pass.
ALL dogs do that. I meant Mr Casey.
He never used to be like this.
42
00:03:07,740 --> 00:03:14,700
He's getting over losing his wife.
How long does it take, for
goodness' sake? It's been six weeks!
43
00:03:14,700 --> 00:03:18,780
Well, I can't sit around here
wasting my time all day.
44
00:03:18,780 --> 00:03:25,900
Considering a change of career,
are we? I already have. Efficiency
expert. Is that my surgery T-shirt?
45
00:03:25,900 --> 00:03:33,140
That's right. Why are you wearing
my surgery T-shirt?
This is basic asset management.
46
00:03:33,140 --> 00:03:39,780
This shirt's losing value while
it's not in use. I don't want your
freakish bodily fluids. Take it off.
47
00:03:39,780 --> 00:03:43,740
Just tell me when you need it.
48
00:03:43,740 --> 00:03:46,100
Have you got a moment? Do come in.
49
00:03:50,780 --> 00:03:53,220
Ben, it's Mr Casey.
50
00:03:53,220 --> 00:03:58,620
Really? What brings you round
this evening? Dog not quite empty(?)
51
00:03:58,620 --> 00:04:04,460
I'm sorry? Would you like a drink?
No, thank you. I'm not stopping.
52
00:04:04,460 --> 00:04:09,700
So, um... How is everything,
since, um...everything.
53
00:04:09,700 --> 00:04:13,660
Since Emma died?
Everyone's been very kind.
54
00:04:13,660 --> 00:04:18,020
It WAS rough at first, but then
I thought, "Why not buy a dog?"
55
00:04:18,020 --> 00:04:23,100
Several reasons, the first of which
is lying on my doorstep. Ben.
56
00:04:23,100 --> 00:04:28,100
It's nice to have a companion
who doesn't talk.
57
00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:32,460
People will say I'm looking
for a substitute for Emma.
58
00:04:32,460 --> 00:04:37,380
That's people for you. She's lovely.
What's her name? Gemma.
59
00:04:39,820 --> 00:04:42,300
Aw-w... Who's a lovely girl?
60
00:04:42,300 --> 00:04:45,420
Who gives me
lots of lovely kisses...
61
00:04:50,900 --> 00:04:58,980
You said you weren't stopping. Yes.
I'm afraid that Gemma's been coming
into your garden. It's nothing.
62
00:04:58,980 --> 00:05:04,420
If Mr Casey wants to apologise,
let him apologise. I'm not going to.
63
00:05:04,420 --> 00:05:06,740
Oh. Really?
64
00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:11,140
Really! Isn't it your dog
that's been crapping up my garden?
65
00:05:11,140 --> 00:05:18,540
Yes, but YOUR fence has a hole.
I suggest you mend it. I suggest you
put a cork up your dog's arse. Well!
66
00:05:18,540 --> 00:05:21,580
How about that drink?
67
00:05:23,540 --> 00:05:26,460
Hello! What's your name?
68
00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:30,620
BABY VOICE: Hello! Good girl.
69
00:05:30,620 --> 00:05:36,700
Want some of Mum's
famous pork lasagne?
70
00:05:37,660 --> 00:05:40,180
SNIFFS
71
00:05:42,260 --> 00:05:46,780
Which brings me very neatly
to my eleventh point.
72
00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:53,700
Your apple tree branches overhang my
garden. Cut them back within seven
days or I'll employ a tree surgeon
73
00:05:53,700 --> 00:05:57,260
and forward you the bill.
Anything else? Yes.
74
00:05:57,260 --> 00:06:01,060
That scruffy shed of yours
has got to go.
75
00:06:01,060 --> 00:06:06,020
I'll see myself out. Gemma! Come on!
HE TALKS TO DOG
76
00:06:07,220 --> 00:06:10,060
Don't you want to hear MY list? Huh!
77
00:06:11,740 --> 00:06:14,900
Cut him some slack.
He's very unhappy.
78
00:06:14,900 --> 00:06:19,820
So am I. No-one cuts me any slack.
You're still alive, aren't you(?)
79
00:06:21,980 --> 00:06:25,180
BEN IS HUMMING
80
00:06:28,460 --> 00:06:31,100
Oh, GOD! What the...?!
81
00:06:31,100 --> 00:06:35,740
It's six o'clock! Yeah, I know.
I couldn't sleep, either.
82
00:06:35,740 --> 00:06:38,220
Still, I've made breakfast for us.
83
00:06:38,220 --> 00:06:42,060
Bring it back when it's morning!
Yep.
84
00:06:42,060 --> 00:06:44,900
Mr Casey...!
85
00:06:44,900 --> 00:06:52,900
HE MUTTERS
86
00:06:52,900 --> 00:06:55,700
Huh! It's a perfectly good shed!
87
00:06:55,700 --> 00:07:03,500
It doesn't live up to Mr Casey's
Platonic ideal of shedhood, but it's
not a "best kept shed" competition.
88
00:07:03,500 --> 00:07:06,620
It's LIFE in the real world, buddy!
89
00:07:06,620 --> 00:07:14,100
I know. You said, at half past one
this morning. Go on, take his side.
"We mustn't be too hard on him."
90
00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:18,340
I'm not. All I'm saying
is he has a point. Jezebel!
91
00:07:18,340 --> 00:07:25,100
You DO put things off. Don't! It's
not the first time he's asked you to
mend the fence. That was months ago.
92
00:07:25,100 --> 00:07:29,700
Look, Mr Casey has a real sense
of purpose. He's never idle.
93
00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:36,340
He's got an immaculate garden,
a newly-painted house.
He's also got a dead wife.
94
00:07:38,260 --> 00:07:41,380
But leaving that to one side, um,
95
00:07:41,380 --> 00:07:48,340
you've got to admit, he's got
a pretty...weird relationship
with that dog. It's rather touching.
96
00:07:48,340 --> 00:07:52,860
It's touching... It's stroking!
It's...kissing. You know?
97
00:07:54,660 --> 00:07:59,460
I mean, if I popped my clogs,
would you replace me with a pet?
98
00:07:59,460 --> 00:08:02,180
NO pet could replace you.
99
00:08:02,180 --> 00:08:04,780
Perhaps a bad-tempered ferret.
100
00:08:04,780 --> 00:08:07,180
Thank you.
101
00:08:07,180 --> 00:08:10,180
WHY'S he being SO pernickety? God!
102
00:08:10,180 --> 00:08:17,300
The nerve of the man! He goes on
about my overhanging branches
and parks 17" past my gatepost!
103
00:08:17,300 --> 00:08:21,580
I don't want to hear another word
about Mr Casey!
104
00:08:21,580 --> 00:08:23,900
OK. OK.
105
00:08:26,380 --> 00:08:28,580
Morning!
106
00:08:33,820 --> 00:08:36,260
Morning, Mr Casey.
107
00:08:36,260 --> 00:08:40,500
What the hell...?
Just fixing the guttering.
108
00:08:40,500 --> 00:08:43,060
It's SIX o'clock in the morning!
109
00:08:43,060 --> 00:08:48,420
Carpe diem. Pretend I'm not here.
110
00:08:50,980 --> 00:08:53,860
Lovely nightie, Mrs Harper!
111
00:09:01,780 --> 00:09:04,460
Mum? Yes, dear?
112
00:09:04,460 --> 00:09:08,900
Is madness hereditary?
Depends what sort. Dad's sort.
113
00:09:08,900 --> 00:09:14,420
What's he doing now? Crawling round
the garden with a tape measure
and a meat skewer.
114
00:09:14,420 --> 00:09:18,580
The nerve of the man!
The absolute, complete, total nerve!
115
00:09:18,580 --> 00:09:25,740
He's only taken down our fence! So?
He's replaced it with a new one.
And? A full 8cm into our garden.
116
00:09:25,740 --> 00:09:28,460
What's 8cm? We've got a new fence.
117
00:09:28,460 --> 00:09:34,900
It's 8cm of my territory. Wars are
fought over less. Remember looney
Uncle Dave? Was he a blood relative?
118
00:09:34,900 --> 00:09:39,380
Annexation! That's what I call it.
Remember the Sudetenland?
119
00:09:39,380 --> 00:09:45,540
You never go into the garden.
There's 8cm less of it to go into.
Ben, let it go.
120
00:09:45,540 --> 00:09:47,820
All right.
121
00:09:47,820 --> 00:09:51,900
OK. All right.
I've got to be sensible about this.
122
00:09:51,900 --> 00:09:57,580
Glad to hear it. Stop complaining
and start plotting my revenge.
123
00:09:57,580 --> 00:10:04,540
Oh, look. Amnesty International
are campaigning against torture
in Indonesia. I could plant a hedge.
124
00:10:04,540 --> 00:10:08,740
Leylandii. Slow, but effective.
Write to the Ambassador. No.
125
00:10:08,740 --> 00:10:15,620
Build a swimming pool. Months
of drilling and diggers. There's
a refugee crisis in the Sudan.
126
00:10:15,620 --> 00:10:20,140
There's suffering all over
the world. But I am suffering NOW.
127
00:10:20,140 --> 00:10:23,140
All I'm saying is... Here's 20 quid.
128
00:10:23,140 --> 00:10:29,660
For Oxfam or Amnesty International,
but give me 10 minutes
to talk about Mr Casey!
129
00:10:29,660 --> 00:10:32,660
It's MY time. I'VE paid for it. OK.
130
00:10:32,660 --> 00:10:39,780
Nick's taken Janey driving. When?
How long have they been out? Couple
of hours or so. Couple of HOURS?!
131
00:10:39,780 --> 00:10:44,940
In MY car?!
132
00:10:48,020 --> 00:10:52,460
SHE SCREAMS, HE BELLOWS
133
00:10:55,060 --> 00:10:57,820
That was amazing! Better than drugs!
134
00:11:01,060 --> 00:11:03,660
..Whatever THAT's like.
135
00:11:05,460 --> 00:11:12,220
Next time I say you have to do
a handbrake turn... There will be...
NO "next time".
136
00:11:12,220 --> 00:11:15,260
Oh. By the way,
your airbag deployed. What?
137
00:11:15,260 --> 00:11:19,780
Must be something wrong with it.
You... If my air...
138
00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:24,540
Your father's TRYING to say
you don't take Janey driving again!
139
00:11:24,540 --> 00:11:27,700
My test's in 8 days. What'll I do?
Survive.
140
00:11:27,700 --> 00:11:31,980
It's obvious. There's
only one person in this house
141
00:11:31,980 --> 00:11:36,660
with the maturity and people
skills to take me driving. Michael?
142
00:11:36,660 --> 00:11:42,060
What?! M... Michael's 12!!
13. It's what's inside that counts.
143
00:11:42,060 --> 00:11:48,700
You'll be INSIDE if you get caught!
We won't. He can sit on cushions,
wear a beard...
144
00:11:48,700 --> 00:11:52,700
Wait until I have time.
You've said that for a week.
145
00:11:52,700 --> 00:11:55,180
I mean, there's always... You know?
146
00:11:55,180 --> 00:11:57,780
You know. I mean, you know, I...
147
00:11:57,780 --> 00:12:00,540
I-I could, um... I'd take you.
148
00:12:00,540 --> 00:12:03,220
..YOU?
149
00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:07,620
What's so funny? I don't get it.
150
00:12:07,620 --> 00:12:14,620
Do YOU get it, Susan? No. I'm a good
driver. Passed my test first time.
But that was in the war.
151
00:12:14,620 --> 00:12:20,380
They needed all the drivers
they could get.
Make fun of your father! OK.
152
00:12:22,100 --> 00:12:26,980
We could knit three jumpers
with the hair from your ears.
153
00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:31,940
Ben, nobody's criticising your
driving. It's just your... My what?
154
00:12:31,940 --> 00:12:34,620
Attitude. I DO NOT have an...
155
00:12:34,620 --> 00:12:40,700
I'm sorry, what do you mean?
Your bumper sticker says
"Horn broken, watch for finger".
156
00:12:40,700 --> 00:12:47,500
The time we went driving in Wales.
I drove brilliantly. Before leaving,
you learnt some Welsh swear words.
157
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:54,380
I've a daughter who thinks I'm a
joke, a son who thinks I'm demented,
a wife who doesn't support me
158
00:12:54,380 --> 00:12:56,620
and a...pillock!
159
00:12:56,620 --> 00:13:01,700
Look on the bright side, Dad. At
least we took your mind off Mr Casey.
160
00:13:01,700 --> 00:13:05,180
Oh, yes. MISTER Casey! MR CASEY!
161
00:13:05,180 --> 00:13:07,900
You pillock.
162
00:13:10,740 --> 00:13:13,380
Hurry, Mike, before she gets home.
163
00:13:13,380 --> 00:13:16,180
Oi! You two! What are you doing?
164
00:13:16,180 --> 00:13:20,300
Nothing. Nothing? Nothing?
What are these, then?
165
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:24,780
You're not going driving
with Michael. But, Mum... Michael!
166
00:13:26,580 --> 00:13:31,020
OWW! Right! That's it!
I'm calling Social Services!
167
00:13:31,020 --> 00:13:37,220
Now... I've had enough of this.
I'M taking you. Oh...!
168
00:13:37,220 --> 00:13:43,900
Why? What's wrong with that? You're
so bossy. Don't be ridiculous.
And you're not driving like that.
169
00:13:43,900 --> 00:13:45,500
Come on!
170
00:13:45,500 --> 00:13:48,700
DOOR SLAMS
171
00:13:52,220 --> 00:13:59,060
I'm never going out with you again!
I just said, "Put on your seat belt
before adjusting your mirror!"
172
00:13:59,060 --> 00:14:04,780
And what did you grab the wheel for?
I panicked. The engine wasn't on!
173
00:14:04,780 --> 00:14:11,700
Well, fail, if you want to. Thanks.
I will! I dunno what's going on,
and I don't want to know.
174
00:14:11,700 --> 00:14:16,060
You've just condensed your
entire world view into one sentence.
175
00:14:16,060 --> 00:14:20,500
So, let's see what's hit the fan
this morning.
176
00:14:20,500 --> 00:14:24,180
BEN LAUGHS LOUDLY
177
00:14:25,980 --> 00:14:30,540
Know what this is? Let me
take a wild guess. A newspaper? No.
178
00:14:30,540 --> 00:14:34,580
Not just ANY newspaper.
It's Mr Casey's newspaper.
179
00:14:34,580 --> 00:14:41,940
The newspaperboy must've delivered
it by mistake. Oh. I'll pop it
round to him when I go out.
180
00:14:41,940 --> 00:14:44,660
You'll do no such thing.
181
00:14:44,660 --> 00:14:46,980
Oh, the power!
182
00:14:46,980 --> 00:14:49,220
Oh, YES!
183
00:14:49,220 --> 00:14:51,860
But what to do with it.
184
00:14:51,860 --> 00:14:54,620
I think you should give it back.
185
00:14:54,620 --> 00:15:00,700
I'll give it back, all right,
but not until I've completed...
the crossword.
186
00:15:02,740 --> 00:15:04,940
Oh, yes!
187
00:15:04,940 --> 00:15:07,460
One across.
188
00:15:13,020 --> 00:15:15,660
No, that can't be right. Misprint.
189
00:15:15,660 --> 00:15:19,020
OK, one down.
190
00:15:19,020 --> 00:15:21,900
Oh, God, what's that?
191
00:15:21,900 --> 00:15:27,780
OK, OK. Let's do the QUICK
crossword! Quickie, quickie.
192
00:15:29,980 --> 00:15:32,220
..Quickie, quickie...
193
00:15:32,220 --> 00:15:35,100
Janey's pregnant.
194
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:37,580
Really? Uh-huh, uh-huh.
195
00:15:37,580 --> 00:15:40,180
I'm leaving you.
196
00:15:40,180 --> 00:15:42,500
Good.
197
00:15:42,500 --> 00:15:46,140
Nick's wearing your trousers. What?!
198
00:15:46,140 --> 00:15:53,660
Why are you wearing my trousers?
Basic asset management. You wouldn't
leave an aircraft standing idle.
199
00:15:53,660 --> 00:15:58,700
My trousers are not an aircraft!
They ARE when I'm wearing them.
200
00:15:58,700 --> 00:16:02,180
Nick. Please. Just take them off.
No. No.
201
00:16:02,180 --> 00:16:08,500
In your room. Keep your hair on.
Otherwise I'll find YOU wearing it.
202
00:16:08,500 --> 00:16:11,340
OK. ..OK. It's him. It's him.
203
00:16:11,340 --> 00:16:16,300
Just act normal. Act normal,
everybody. If you can remember how.
204
00:16:17,460 --> 00:16:20,060
Oh, hello, Mr Casey! Good morning.
205
00:16:23,060 --> 00:16:28,180
Like a cup of tea? No, thank you.
I'm not stopping. Interesting piece!
206
00:16:28,180 --> 00:16:35,060
Mr Harper, I brought your newspaper
around. Canadian scientists
have cloned an elk. Whatever next?
207
00:16:35,060 --> 00:16:42,860
Paperboy must've made a mistake.
A letter about the European Monetary
Union. Better keep that for bedtime.
208
00:16:42,860 --> 00:16:44,980
Ben...
209
00:16:44,980 --> 00:16:49,620
So, my newspaper?
Oh, yeah. Dad's got it.
210
00:16:49,620 --> 00:16:52,380
Yes. I can SEE that.
211
00:16:52,380 --> 00:16:58,900
Mr Harper, I think
you've got my newspaper. I think
you've got 8cm of my garden.
212
00:16:58,900 --> 00:17:05,260
I think you've been throwing snails
over my fence. I think you've been
mowing your lawn at 11 at night.
213
00:17:05,260 --> 00:17:09,780
I think you don't mow YOUR lawn
at all. It's a wilderness garden.
214
00:17:09,780 --> 00:17:14,100
And you've been letting HIM
sunbathe out there...in the NUDE!
215
00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:17,620
He never did that!
216
00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:24,060
While my mother was out there
taking tea. She shouldn't have been
looking. He was up a tree!
217
00:17:24,060 --> 00:17:29,980
- I'm a child of nature.
- This is stupid.
Ben, give him the damn paper.
218
00:17:29,980 --> 00:17:35,700
Obituaries. Dull farts you've never
heard of. Usually civil servants.
219
00:17:35,700 --> 00:17:38,660
My wife was a civil servant.
220
00:17:40,780 --> 00:17:45,380
Was she a "dull fart", Mr Harper?
No, no. I'm sure she was...
221
00:17:45,380 --> 00:17:50,820
No, she was a good, kind woman.
Yeah. Sure. I mean, you know. Yes.
222
00:17:50,820 --> 00:17:54,740
I wasn't really talking about
your wife.
223
00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:57,740
So, Gemma, d'you do tricks?
224
00:17:57,740 --> 00:18:00,380
Here's your newspaper.
225
00:18:00,380 --> 00:18:05,380
Um, Mr Casey, here's your paper.
I don't want it. Come on, Gemma.
226
00:18:05,380 --> 00:18:08,620
I'll explain later.
Say hi to your mum.
227
00:18:10,260 --> 00:18:14,700
Oh, my God! This is the worst thing
that's ever happened to me.
228
00:18:14,700 --> 00:18:21,940
Why? All you have to do is
swallow your pride, go next door
and apologise. That's what I mean.
229
00:18:21,940 --> 00:18:25,020
Not difficult.
You've done it before.
230
00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:29,420
Remember the taxi driver
in Westcliff-on-Sea? Oh, Go... Sure.
231
00:18:29,420 --> 00:18:31,820
OK. You're right.
232
00:18:31,820 --> 00:18:38,460
You are SO right. Yes, he's lost
his wife. I should be prepared
to make allowances. Just...
233
00:18:38,460 --> 00:18:42,780
Oh, my God!
He's done my sodding crossword!
234
00:18:43,540 --> 00:18:45,900
OK, what's Casey done now?
235
00:18:45,900 --> 00:18:53,660
Mr Casey hasn't done anything.
We saw the fire engine. The shed
burnt down. He burnt my shed down?!
236
00:18:53,660 --> 00:18:59,780
Mr Casey burnt my shed down?!
No, it was an accident.
No such thing.
237
00:18:59,780 --> 00:19:02,540
All right, it's your fault.
238
00:19:02,540 --> 00:19:06,700
The fire officer said you'd four
open tins of paint and oily rags.
239
00:19:06,700 --> 00:19:12,220
So tins of paint and oily rags
spontaneously combust. Yes.
240
00:19:12,220 --> 00:19:20,460
Why try to protect him? It could've
happened at any time. It didn't.
It happened now, in the fog of war!
241
00:19:20,460 --> 00:19:22,980
Oh, my God!
242
00:19:24,700 --> 00:19:27,940
So, how was driving with your father?
243
00:19:27,940 --> 00:19:35,100
Oh, it went very well. Did he shout
much, grab the wheel? How many times
did he stamp on the imaginary brake?
244
00:19:35,100 --> 00:19:43,060
"Went very well"? He let me drive.
245
00:19:43,060 --> 00:19:46,180
Good grief!
Dad called it reconnaissance.
246
00:19:46,180 --> 00:19:51,180
The supermarket, leisure centre,
cemetery. I got to practise parking.
247
00:19:51,180 --> 00:19:53,940
The last earthly remains of my shed.
248
00:19:53,940 --> 00:19:56,180
I had such plans.
249
00:19:56,180 --> 00:20:00,780
I'll see if I can fix it. Don't
bother. Nothing can replace my shed.
250
00:20:00,780 --> 00:20:04,580
How about another shed?
It's all right, Nick.
251
00:20:04,580 --> 00:20:10,700
She doesn't understand.
I don't understand EITHER.
Actually, I don't understand.
252
00:20:10,700 --> 00:20:18,060
A man must have a shed.
You never knew you had one till
it burnt down. I feel emasculated.
253
00:20:18,060 --> 00:20:23,340
It's like not having a tool box.
You haven't GOT a tool box. ..No?
254
00:20:23,340 --> 00:20:27,140
No. You weren't using it,
so it's all got sold.
255
00:20:27,140 --> 00:20:30,100
What did you do that for?
256
00:20:30,100 --> 00:20:32,460
The money.
257
00:20:32,460 --> 00:20:39,700
You seem to be forgetting I've got
two bits of wood in either hand.
If I hadn't sold the tool box,
258
00:20:39,700 --> 00:20:43,740
it'd still be in the shed.
I saved it from being burnt. Karma.
259
00:20:43,740 --> 00:20:49,820
I AM being CALM!! I just suffered a
double trauma. No shed, no tool box.
260
00:20:49,820 --> 00:20:55,220
What if something needs fixing?
Do the usual. Let me sort it out.
261
00:20:55,220 --> 00:21:00,500
Oh, boy. That Mr Casey's gonna rue
the day he ever met Ben Harper!
262
00:21:03,420 --> 00:21:05,180
..Oh.
263
00:21:05,180 --> 00:21:07,660
Mr Harper? Um...yes.
264
00:21:07,660 --> 00:21:14,700
We wondered if we could have a word.
We're researchers from the
TV programme Nightmare Neighbours.
265
00:21:18,020 --> 00:21:20,980
Oh, that... Please, come in.
266
00:21:20,980 --> 00:21:26,220
Actually, you can do a programme
about my neighbour, Mr Casey.
267
00:21:26,220 --> 00:21:29,060
Well, that's why we're here. Good!
268
00:21:29,060 --> 00:21:33,140
Mr Casey's asked us
to do a programme about you. He...
269
00:21:41,340 --> 00:21:44,500
LOUD MUSIC: "Bluebell Polka"
270
00:21:44,500 --> 00:21:49,660
Ben, you have no idea
how ludicrous that is. Huh?
271
00:21:49,660 --> 00:21:55,860
Yeah, you're right.
I've got to rig up
some special sort of stand.
272
00:21:55,860 --> 00:21:58,340
You know very well what I mean.
273
00:21:58,340 --> 00:22:03,300
It's half past 12. For God's sake,
come to bed! Are you kidding?!
274
00:22:03,300 --> 00:22:10,900
If Mr Casey wants a nightmare
neighbour, by God I'm gonna give him
one! This is getting on my tits!
275
00:22:10,900 --> 00:22:14,020
Think what it's doing to Mr Casey!
276
00:22:15,980 --> 00:22:22,780
Oi, what're you doing? Why can't you
play something I like? Rigoletto...
Oh, YES! Great idea!
277
00:22:22,780 --> 00:22:27,420
That'll really wind him up.
I've never seen you so dynamic.
278
00:22:27,420 --> 00:22:34,700
If you'd put this much energy into
doing the garden, it wouldn't have
happened. Stop. It's about territory.
279
00:22:34,700 --> 00:22:38,060
Then why don't you go and pee
on his trees?
280
00:22:39,180 --> 00:22:44,260
BURST OF OPERA MUSIC
281
00:22:44,260 --> 00:22:52,380
Susan, what's wrong with you?! ME?!
What about YOU? You've been grumpy,
spiteful, then a feud with Mr Casey!
282
00:22:52,380 --> 00:22:54,700
All right. All right.
283
00:22:54,700 --> 00:23:01,460
OK. It may seem ridiculous to you,
Susan, but I'm doing what man has
been doing since the dawn of time.
284
00:23:01,460 --> 00:23:05,700
Making an arse of himself.
Defending my home.
285
00:23:05,700 --> 00:23:13,180
The only thing in the world I have
worth having. Apart from family.
That goes without saying. Evidently.
286
00:23:13,180 --> 00:23:20,020
Susan, if I don't stand up
to Mr Casey's encroachment, soon,
all I'll have is what's up here. Oh?
287
00:23:20,020 --> 00:23:22,620
Plenty of space, then.
288
00:23:22,620 --> 00:23:25,660
"BIRDIE SONG" BEGINS TO PLAY
289
00:23:34,060 --> 00:23:36,460
Right, you two, listen.
290
00:23:36,460 --> 00:23:44,300
I've decided to put an end
to this madness that is ruining all
our lives. You gonna kill Dad? ..No.
291
00:23:44,300 --> 00:23:49,500
- I've invited Mr Casey round.
- Mr Casey's gonna kill Dad?
292
00:23:49,500 --> 00:23:56,100
I just thought it would be a good
idea if Mr Casey and your father
sat down like rational adults.
293
00:23:56,100 --> 00:24:00,540
- But Dad's not rational.
- I know. That's where I come in.
294
00:24:00,540 --> 00:24:08,580
While your father's out taking Janey
to her driving test, I'll negotiate
a truce, like the United Nations.
295
00:24:08,580 --> 00:24:12,740
With as much success.
Mr Casey will be here any minute.
296
00:24:12,740 --> 00:24:16,460
Michael, I want you
on your best behaviour. Nick...
297
00:24:16,460 --> 00:24:19,100
Actually, both go to your rooms.
298
00:24:19,100 --> 00:24:22,460
Did you tell Dad about this? I will.
299
00:24:22,460 --> 00:24:26,700
DOORBELL
Come on, Mikey. To the shelters!
300
00:24:30,620 --> 00:24:35,220
Ah, Mr Casey, come in.
So glad you could make it. So...
301
00:24:35,220 --> 00:24:39,340
where is he?
I'll talk to him separately.
302
00:24:39,340 --> 00:24:45,500
I just wanted your opinion
on what it would take
to come to some sort of truce.
303
00:24:45,500 --> 00:24:52,740
Easy enough, if Mr Harper's prepared
to accept that it's all his fault.
An important thing in negotiations
304
00:24:52,740 --> 00:24:59,260
is to look for the middle ground,
because it's never the case
that one side is completely right.
305
00:24:59,260 --> 00:25:05,460
Yes, it is. Isn't there room
for give and take? Of course. If he
gives me an apology, I'll take it.
306
00:25:05,460 --> 00:25:09,700
Does it have to be an apology?
How about a fruit basket?
307
00:25:09,700 --> 00:25:16,260
Are you trying to be funny? No.
I'm practising my people skills,
dammit! Not very good at it, are you?
308
00:25:16,260 --> 00:25:20,460
DOOR OPENS
309
00:25:22,860 --> 00:25:25,540
How did the test go? I passed.
310
00:25:26,700 --> 00:25:31,060
What's wrong with her?
..Oh, no... What's HE doing here?
311
00:25:31,060 --> 00:25:36,300
I invited him over to negotiate
a truce. What were you thinking?!
312
00:25:36,300 --> 00:25:43,180
I know. You're right.
He's completely unreasonable. Leave
this to me, Susan. Be my guest.
313
00:25:44,220 --> 00:25:47,220
Ah, Mr Casey. How lovely to see you.
314
00:25:47,220 --> 00:25:54,340
Now, look here, Mr Harper, I demand
an apology. Well, you can't have it!
I apologise. What?! All my fault.
315
00:25:54,340 --> 00:26:00,340
Oh... I'll bury the hatchet,
if you agree to certain conditions.
Never! Fire away.
316
00:26:00,340 --> 00:26:07,540
For a start, stop blasting
loud, hideous music at night.
We like hideous music! No problem.
317
00:26:07,540 --> 00:26:13,860
Secondly, that fence is staying
where it is. Absolutely. As it's
MY fence, I should...pay for it.
318
00:26:13,860 --> 00:26:17,020
Oh... Well... All right.
319
00:26:17,020 --> 00:26:19,580
But I'm NOT paying for that shed.
320
00:26:20,700 --> 00:26:25,020
ARSONIST! Susan! Susan, please.
321
00:26:25,020 --> 00:26:32,060
I-I want you to pay a professional
gardener to tidy up that jungle.
Yep. Consider it done.
322
00:26:32,060 --> 00:26:39,060
And I want to park my car
across your drive whenever I like.
Anything else? Yes. I want...
323
00:26:39,060 --> 00:26:41,940
I want...
324
00:26:41,940 --> 00:26:44,580
I want that photo frame! It's yours.
325
00:26:46,620 --> 00:26:48,980
Oh. Well...thank you.
326
00:26:48,980 --> 00:26:53,300
I'm glad we managed to sort this
out. Yeah, well, so am I.
327
00:26:53,300 --> 00:26:56,380
And, um...goodbye. Goodbye.
328
00:26:57,860 --> 00:27:00,540
I'll see myself out.
329
00:27:02,820 --> 00:27:05,300
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!
330
00:27:05,300 --> 00:27:07,660
I think I need a drink.
331
00:27:08,260 --> 00:27:11,700
Not before you tell me
what's going on.
332
00:27:11,700 --> 00:27:14,220
After Janey passed her driving test,
333
00:27:14,220 --> 00:27:18,580
I, um... I decided
to drive her home, and, um...
334
00:27:18,580 --> 00:27:22,660
you know, show her a few
advanced driving tips, and, um...
335
00:27:22,660 --> 00:27:26,980
you know, show her
a few of the back doubles,
336
00:27:26,980 --> 00:27:29,540
and... What have you done?
337
00:27:31,860 --> 00:27:34,460
I ran over Mr Casey's dog.
338
00:27:39,980 --> 00:27:43,700
Where are you going?
To the pet shop.
339
00:27:43,700 --> 00:27:48,020
Where are YOU going?
The estate agent's.
31404
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