Original subtitles

Very good, Mr Ross. You're doing well.

Oh, my... Is that supposed to happen?

Is it supposed to be bleeding that much?

Sorry? It's like Reservoir Dogs, where the guy gets his ear cut off.

Excuse me. Give me a cotton pack.

Now, stick it in your mouth.

Sorry, Mr Harper. It's just I get queasy.

Then why did the agency send you? They tricked me.

You and me both. Come here and give me a hand. Can I stand by the door?

No, I need you HERE so you can assist me. Can I close my eyes?

Pass me the scaler.

..Oh, for God's sake!

Sorry. You go ahead.

..I'll be fine.

You're fired.

What's this one? Junction on bend ahead. Good. As far as it goes. How about this?

Maximum speed 30mph. Correct. If there's nobody looking. Shut up!

Driving in the real world's nothing like

the driving you need to pass. Haven't passed yet.

But driving schools tell you to keep two hands on the wheel. Honestly!

If you've got a phone in one hand and a kebab in the other...

How about this one? No right turn.

Unless you REALLY need to. Nick! And you're in a hurry. What does THIS sign mean?

Um, road narrows on both sides?

Going well(!) My instructor says I need more practice. He would, at 20 quid a lesson!

My test's in two weeks. You just need an adult with you.

- Ready when you are, Janey. - I SAID an adult.

I can't take you. I have three new tours to devise. Are you insane?

That leaves one person. If you catch him in a good mood... My test's in two weeks. Choose the right moment.

OH, BOLLOCKING HELL!!

Which will happen one of these days. Keep the dream alive(!) Let's go.

NEXT DOOR'S SODDING DOG CRAPPED ON THE SODDING DOORSTEP AGAIN!

At least you didn't step on it.

I'll get you the newspaper.

How would Mr Casey like it if I let Nick crap on his lawn?

I'll do it for cash!

I'll bear that in mind.

Whatever possessed Mr Casey to get a dog? Huh!

Yapping all day when it's left alone in the house.

Breaking through my fence, digging up my lawn...

He looks at me funny when I pass. ALL dogs do that. I meant Mr Casey. He never used to be like this.

He's getting over losing his wife. How long does it take, for goodness' sake? It's been six weeks!

Well, I can't sit around here wasting my time all day.

Considering a change of career, are we? I already have. Efficiency expert. Is that my surgery T-shirt?

That's right. Why are you wearing my surgery T-shirt? This is basic asset management.

This shirt's losing value while it's not in use. I don't want your freakish bodily fluids. Take it off.

Just tell me when you need it.

Have you got a moment? Do come in.

Ben, it's Mr Casey.

Really? What brings you round this evening? Dog not quite empty(?)

I'm sorry? Would you like a drink? No, thank you. I'm not stopping.

So, um... How is everything, since, um...everything.

Since Emma died? Everyone's been very kind.

It WAS rough at first, but then I thought, "Why not buy a dog?"

Several reasons, the first of which is lying on my doorstep. Ben.

It's nice to have a companion who doesn't talk.

People will say I'm looking for a substitute for Emma.

That's people for you. She's lovely. What's her name? Gemma.

Aw-w... Who's a lovely girl?

Who gives me lots of lovely kisses...

You said you weren't stopping. Yes. I'm afraid that Gemma's been coming into your garden. It's nothing.

If Mr Casey wants to apologise, let him apologise. I'm not going to.

Oh. Really?

Really! Isn't it your dog that's been crapping up my garden?

Yes, but YOUR fence has a hole. I suggest you mend it. I suggest you put a cork up your dog's arse. Well!

How about that drink?

Hello! What's your name?

BABY VOICE: Hello! Good girl.

Want some of Mum's famous pork lasagne?

SNIFFS

Which brings me very neatly to my eleventh point.

Your apple tree branches overhang my garden. Cut them back within seven days or I'll employ a tree surgeon

and forward you the bill. Anything else? Yes.

That scruffy shed of yours has got to go.

I'll see myself out. Gemma! Come on! HE TALKS TO DOG

Don't you want to hear MY list? Huh!

Cut him some slack. He's very unhappy.

So am I. No-one cuts me any slack. You're still alive, aren't you(?)

BEN IS HUMMING

Oh, GOD! What the...?!

It's six o'clock! Yeah, I know. I couldn't sleep, either.

Still, I've made breakfast for us.

Bring it back when it's morning! Yep.

Mr Casey...!

HE MUTTERS

Huh! It's a perfectly good shed!

It doesn't live up to Mr Casey's Platonic ideal of shedhood, but it's not a "best kept shed" competition.

It's LIFE in the real world, buddy!

I know. You said, at half past one this morning. Go on, take his side. "We mustn't be too hard on him."

I'm not. All I'm saying is he has a point. Jezebel!

You DO put things off. Don't! It's not the first time he's asked you to mend the fence. That was months ago.

Look, Mr Casey has a real sense of purpose. He's never idle.

He's got an immaculate garden, a newly-painted house. He's also got a dead wife.

But leaving that to one side, um,

you've got to admit, he's got a pretty...weird relationship with that dog. It's rather touching.

It's touching... It's stroking! It's...kissing. You know?

I mean, if I popped my clogs, would you replace me with a pet?

NO pet could replace you.

Perhaps a bad-tempered ferret.

Thank you.

WHY'S he being SO pernickety? God!

The nerve of the man! He goes on about my overhanging branches and parks 17" past my gatepost!

I don't want to hear another word about Mr Casey!

OK. OK.

Morning!

Morning, Mr Casey.

What the hell...? Just fixing the guttering.

It's SIX o'clock in the morning!

Carpe diem. Pretend I'm not here.

Lovely nightie, Mrs Harper!

Mum? Yes, dear?

Is madness hereditary? Depends what sort. Dad's sort.

What's he doing now? Crawling round the garden with a tape measure and a meat skewer.

The nerve of the man! The absolute, complete, total nerve!

He's only taken down our fence! So? He's replaced it with a new one. And? A full 8cm into our garden.

What's 8cm? We've got a new fence.

It's 8cm of my territory. Wars are fought over less. Remember looney Uncle Dave? Was he a blood relative?

Annexation! That's what I call it. Remember the Sudetenland?

You never go into the garden. There's 8cm less of it to go into. Ben, let it go.

All right.

OK. All right. I've got to be sensible about this.

Glad to hear it. Stop complaining and start plotting my revenge.

Oh, look. Amnesty International are campaigning against torture in Indonesia. I could plant a hedge.

Leylandii. Slow, but effective. Write to the Ambassador. No.

Build a swimming pool. Months of drilling and diggers. There's a refugee crisis in the Sudan.

There's suffering all over the world. But I am suffering NOW.

All I'm saying is... Here's 20 quid.

For Oxfam or Amnesty International, but give me 10 minutes to talk about Mr Casey!

It's MY time. I'VE paid for it. OK.

Nick's taken Janey driving. When? How long have they been out? Couple of hours or so. Couple of HOURS?!

In MY car?!

SHE SCREAMS, HE BELLOWS

That was amazing! Better than drugs!

..Whatever THAT's like.

Next time I say you have to do a handbrake turn... There will be... NO "next time".

Oh. By the way, your airbag deployed. What?

Must be something wrong with it. You... If my air...

Your father's TRYING to say you don't take Janey driving again!

My test's in 8 days. What'll I do? Survive.

It's obvious. There's only one person in this house

with the maturity and people skills to take me driving. Michael?

What?! M... Michael's 12!! 13. It's what's inside that counts.

You'll be INSIDE if you get caught! We won't. He can sit on cushions, wear a beard...

Wait until I have time. You've said that for a week.

I mean, there's always... You know?

You know. I mean, you know, I...

I-I could, um... I'd take you.

..YOU?

What's so funny? I don't get it.

Do YOU get it, Susan? No. I'm a good driver. Passed my test first time. But that was in the war.

They needed all the drivers they could get. Make fun of your father! OK.

We could knit three jumpers with the hair from your ears.

Ben, nobody's criticising your driving. It's just your... My what?

Attitude. I DO NOT have an...

I'm sorry, what do you mean? Your bumper sticker says "Horn broken, watch for finger".

The time we went driving in Wales. I drove brilliantly. Before leaving, you learnt some Welsh swear words.

I've a daughter who thinks I'm a joke, a son who thinks I'm demented, a wife who doesn't support me

and a...pillock!

Look on the bright side, Dad. At least we took your mind off Mr Casey.

Oh, yes. MISTER Casey! MR CASEY!

You pillock.

Hurry, Mike, before she gets home.

Oi! You two! What are you doing?

Nothing. Nothing? Nothing? What are these, then?

You're not going driving with Michael. But, Mum... Michael!

OWW! Right! That's it! I'm calling Social Services!

Now... I've had enough of this. I'M taking you. Oh...!

Why? What's wrong with that? You're so bossy. Don't be ridiculous. And you're not driving like that.

Come on!

DOOR SLAMS

I'm never going out with you again! I just said, "Put on your seat belt before adjusting your mirror!"

And what did you grab the wheel for? I panicked. The engine wasn't on!

Well, fail, if you want to. Thanks. I will! I dunno what's going on, and I don't want to know.

You've just condensed your entire world view into one sentence.

So, let's see what's hit the fan this morning.

BEN LAUGHS LOUDLY

Know what this is? Let me take a wild guess. A newspaper? No.

Not just ANY newspaper. It's Mr Casey's newspaper.

The newspaperboy must've delivered it by mistake. Oh. I'll pop it round to him when I go out.

You'll do no such thing.

Oh, the power!

Oh, YES!

But what to do with it.

I think you should give it back.

I'll give it back, all right, but not until I've completed... the crossword.

Oh, yes!

One across.

No, that can't be right. Misprint.

OK, one down.

Oh, God, what's that?

OK, OK. Let's do the QUICK crossword! Quickie, quickie.

..Quickie, quickie...

Janey's pregnant.

Really? Uh-huh, uh-huh.

I'm leaving you.

Good.

Nick's wearing your trousers. What?!

Why are you wearing my trousers? Basic asset management. You wouldn't leave an aircraft standing idle.

My trousers are not an aircraft! They ARE when I'm wearing them.

Nick. Please. Just take them off. No. No.

In your room. Keep your hair on. Otherwise I'll find YOU wearing it.

OK. ..OK. It's him. It's him.

Just act normal. Act normal, everybody. If you can remember how.

Oh, hello, Mr Casey! Good morning.

Like a cup of tea? No, thank you. I'm not stopping. Interesting piece!

Mr Harper, I brought your newspaper around. Canadian scientists have cloned an elk. Whatever next?

Paperboy must've made a mistake. A letter about the European Monetary Union. Better keep that for bedtime.

Ben...

So, my newspaper? Oh, yeah. Dad's got it.

Yes. I can SEE that.

Mr Harper, I think you've got my newspaper. I think you've got 8cm of my garden.

I think you've been throwing snails over my fence. I think you've been mowing your lawn at 11 at night.

I think you don't mow YOUR lawn at all. It's a wilderness garden.

And you've been letting HIM sunbathe out there...in the NUDE!

He never did that!

While my mother was out there taking tea. She shouldn't have been looking. He was up a tree!

- I'm a child of nature. - This is stupid. Ben, give him the damn paper.

Obituaries. Dull farts you've never heard of. Usually civil servants.

My wife was a civil servant.

Was she a "dull fart", Mr Harper? No, no. I'm sure she was...

No, she was a good, kind woman. Yeah. Sure. I mean, you know. Yes.

I wasn't really talking about your wife.

So, Gemma, d'you do tricks?

Here's your newspaper.

Um, Mr Casey, here's your paper. I don't want it. Come on, Gemma.

I'll explain later. Say hi to your mum.

Oh, my God! This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

Why? All you have to do is swallow your pride, go next door and apologise. That's what I mean.

Not difficult. You've done it before.

Remember the taxi driver in Westcliff-on-Sea? Oh, Go... Sure.

OK. You're right.

You are SO right. Yes, he's lost his wife. I should be prepared to make allowances. Just...

Oh, my God! He's done my sodding crossword!

OK, what's Casey done now?

Mr Casey hasn't done anything. We saw the fire engine. The shed burnt down. He burnt my shed down?!

Mr Casey burnt my shed down?! No, it was an accident. No such thing.

All right, it's your fault.

The fire officer said you'd four open tins of paint and oily rags.

So tins of paint and oily rags spontaneously combust. Yes.

Why try to protect him? It could've happened at any time. It didn't. It happened now, in the fog of war!

Oh, my God!

So, how was driving with your father?

Oh, it went very well. Did he shout much, grab the wheel? How many times did he stamp on the imaginary brake?

"Went very well"? He let me drive.

Good grief! Dad called it reconnaissance.

The supermarket, leisure centre, cemetery. I got to practise parking.

The last earthly remains of my shed.

I had such plans.

I'll see if I can fix it. Don't bother. Nothing can replace my shed.

How about another shed? It's all right, Nick.

She doesn't understand. I don't understand EITHER. Actually, I don't understand.

A man must have a shed. You never knew you had one till it burnt down. I feel emasculated.

It's like not having a tool box. You haven't GOT a tool box. ..No?

No. You weren't using it, so it's all got sold.

What did you do that for?

The money.

You seem to be forgetting I've got two bits of wood in either hand. If I hadn't sold the tool box,

it'd still be in the shed. I saved it from being burnt. Karma.

I AM being CALM!! I just suffered a double trauma. No shed, no tool box.

What if something needs fixing? Do the usual. Let me sort it out.

Oh, boy. That Mr Casey's gonna rue the day he ever met Ben Harper!

..Oh.

Mr Harper? Um...yes.

We wondered if we could have a word. We're researchers from the TV programme Nightmare Neighbours.

Oh, that... Please, come in.

Actually, you can do a programme about my neighbour, Mr Casey.

Well, that's why we're here. Good!

Mr Casey's asked us to do a programme about you. He...

LOUD MUSIC: "Bluebell Polka"

Ben, you have no idea how ludicrous that is. Huh?

Yeah, you're right. I've got to rig up some special sort of stand.

You know very well what I mean.

It's half past 12. For God's sake, come to bed! Are you kidding?!

If Mr Casey wants a nightmare neighbour, by God I'm gonna give him one! This is getting on my tits!

Think what it's doing to Mr Casey!

Oi, what're you doing? Why can't you play something I like? Rigoletto... Oh, YES! Great idea!

That'll really wind him up. I've never seen you so dynamic.

If you'd put this much energy into doing the garden, it wouldn't have happened. Stop. It's about territory.

Then why don't you go and pee on his trees?

BURST OF OPERA MUSIC

Susan, what's wrong with you?! ME?! What about YOU? You've been grumpy, spiteful, then a feud with Mr Casey!

All right. All right.

OK. It may seem ridiculous to you, Susan, but I'm doing what man has been doing since the dawn of time.

Making an arse of himself. Defending my home.

The only thing in the world I have worth having. Apart from family. That goes without saying. Evidently.

Susan, if I don't stand up to Mr Casey's encroachment, soon, all I'll have is what's up here. Oh?

Plenty of space, then.

"BIRDIE SONG" BEGINS TO PLAY

Right, you two, listen.

I've decided to put an end to this madness that is ruining all our lives. You gonna kill Dad? ..No.

- I've invited Mr Casey round. - Mr Casey's gonna kill Dad?

I just thought it would be a good idea if Mr Casey and your father sat down like rational adults.

- But Dad's not rational. - I know. That's where I come in.

While your father's out taking Janey to her driving test, I'll negotiate a truce, like the United Nations.

With as much success. Mr Casey will be here any minute.

Michael, I want you on your best behaviour. Nick...

Actually, both go to your rooms.

Did you tell Dad about this? I will.

DOORBELL Come on, Mikey. To the shelters!

Ah, Mr Casey, come in. So glad you could make it. So...

where is he? I'll talk to him separately.

I just wanted your opinion on what it would take to come to some sort of truce.

Easy enough, if Mr Harper's prepared to accept that it's all his fault. An important thing in negotiations

is to look for the middle ground, because it's never the case that one side is completely right.

Yes, it is. Isn't there room for give and take? Of course. If he gives me an apology, I'll take it.

Does it have to be an apology? How about a fruit basket?

Are you trying to be funny? No. I'm practising my people skills, dammit! Not very good at it, are you?

DOOR OPENS

How did the test go? I passed.

What's wrong with her? ..Oh, no... What's HE doing here?

I invited him over to negotiate a truce. What were you thinking?!

I know. You're right. He's completely unreasonable. Leave this to me, Susan. Be my guest.

Ah, Mr Casey. How lovely to see you.

Now, look here, Mr Harper, I demand an apology. Well, you can't have it! I apologise. What?! All my fault.

Oh... I'll bury the hatchet, if you agree to certain conditions. Never! Fire away.

For a start, stop blasting loud, hideous music at night. We like hideous music! No problem.

Secondly, that fence is staying where it is. Absolutely. As it's MY fence, I should...pay for it.

Oh... Well... All right.

But I'm NOT paying for that shed.

ARSONIST! Susan! Susan, please.

I-I want you to pay a professional gardener to tidy up that jungle. Yep. Consider it done.

And I want to park my car across your drive whenever I like. Anything else? Yes. I want...

I want...

I want that photo frame! It's yours.

Oh. Well...thank you.

I'm glad we managed to sort this out. Yeah, well, so am I.

And, um...goodbye. Goodbye.

I'll see myself out.

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!

I think I need a drink.

Not before you tell me what's going on.

After Janey passed her driving test,

I, um... I decided to drive her home, and, um...

you know, show her a few advanced driving tips, and, um...

you know, show her a few of the back doubles,

and... What have you done?

I ran over Mr Casey's dog.

Where are you going? To the pet shop.

Where are YOU going? The estate agent's.