Original subtitles

To be in a relationship, I need to know what goes on in your head.

This is gonna be a short call.

No, you can't just think about me.

You can't make a living just thinking about me.

What do you think about other than me? Chips.

Brian, you can't just think about chips! Hey, Nick, think fast.

Argh!

Stop playing with that, you idiot! Not you. What were YOU playing with?

Anyone know what this is? What's it look like? Either fresh broccoli or old ham.

Oi, don't put it back! Then we'd have to wash the container.

Mum being ill doesn't mean you're in charge. But it means I can hurt you.

PHONE RINGS

It'll be for Mum, so you'll have to stop what you're doing, find a pen, write down a boring message.

Mum'll lose it and when they call back she'll say, "I never got the note," and you'll look like a prat.

No good will come of it, Michael. It might be for me, you know. Yeah.

Oh, hi, Grandma.

You're actually eating that? I'm hungry. Is it broccoli or ham? Fish, I think. Or cheese.

I'm sorry to hear of your loss.

Do you know we had a 93-year-old Aunt Margaret? She just died.

Oh, my God. How? Kick boxing. She was 93, Nick.

I hope I'm that active at her age.

No-one talk to me, please. I've had a completely rotten day.

Couldn't be worse than Aunt Margaret's.

That was Grandma on the phone. Can I have no bad news for 20 minutes, please? And no requests for money?

And no, nothing else, either.

Look. I've made you a snack.

How are you feeling?

I've got the chills and it's getting worse.

How much worse? Should I think about dating again?

God, I hate the flu. I hate it more. YOU lie around. I have to deal with the kids, to play nursemaid.

There's nothing in the fridge and of course I feel your pain.

Come closer. I'm too weak to reach out and smack you.

Mmmm...

What...?! Just taking your temperature.

Next time you stick something in my mouth, I want dinner and a film first.

Susan... Oh...

I'm sorry, but I've got some bad news. Oh...

Afraid Aunt Margaret has passed away. Oh, no! Not Aunt Margaret.

Yeah. Are you OK? No, no, not MY Aunt Margaret. YOUR Aunt Margaret.

My Aunt Margaret died four years ago. Those bloody kids can't take a message.

I suppose we'll have to go up to Leeds for the funeral. No, no, I don't want to go up there.

I don't even like my Aunt Margaret. She was a kleptomaniac.

She used to take our knick-knacks, jewellery... Probably admired your taste. ..the cat. Yeah, the cat.

My roller skates. Did you catch her at it? Too fast. We lived on a hill.

How would you feel if no-one turned up to your funeral? I'm not gonna have a funeral.

Just get a black bin liner and leave me on the kerb. There are laws against fly-tipping.

When you said WE should go to the funeral, are you suggesting that you'd come with me? Of course.

COUGHING FIT

So, Mikey...

Michael...Mikey...Mikey...Mikey...

My son! My boy, eh? Don't make me do anything we'll regret.

Come on, Mike! Hey, it's just a bit of father and son time together up in Leeds, have a bit of fun...

Go to a funeral. If you like. Sorry, Dad. It's just too traumatic.

It's only a funeral. I meant the father-son time.

Janey, what about a shopping spree in Leeds? There's a Harvey Nicks.

Uh-uh. I remember Aunt Margaret. Last time she came here, you were a baby! Grey hair in a bun.

I wouldn't let her take my dummy, so she swung me around by my teeth until I let go. You do remember.

I needed therapy for years. That's not the reason.

So...

Mikey!

Mikey, Mikey, Mikey! Come on, I'll give you three quid.

All right.

I'll have to go on my own, I suppose.

I'll go with you, Dad.

I think I'm free on Friday. I'll just check my schedule.

I'm free. Much as this might come as a surprise to you, Nick, I don't want you to come.

Oh, come on, Dad. You obviously need company. I don't want it to be you.

Why do you want to go to a funeral? I don't. Dad and I are getting on.

Eventually, I'll be moving out. He'll be dead.

Yeah. I know which'll come first.

Come on, Dad.

I just want to spend a bit of time with you. Is that so wrong?

All right, all right. You can come.

So, do I get the £3?

Harper...

Har-per.

Sorry, you're not here.

The story of your life, eh, Dad?

Great.

Look, I have a reservation.

I'm sorry. There's no Harper. Actually, there is a Harper here in front of you.

Oh. Lucky me.

Come on, Dad. Don't make a scene.

I am NOT making a scene. We have a small room at the back that you could share.

I don't want a small room at the back that we could share. I want the two rooms that I paid a deposit for.

Are you sure you've got the right hotel? Our chain has hotels in other cities.

Yes, of course! I booked the Paris branch for a funeral here in Leeds.

Please excuse him. He's a bit bereaved. I am not! I'm tired. ..Look again, please.

Oh, yes! There it is. Your name has suddenly appeared, as if through a worm hole from a different dimension.

Oh, no! It's gone again.

If you don't give me my two rooms, I shall take my business elsewhere.

Well, that's sorted, then. Bye-bye.

Excuse me, mate. We'll take the one small room. OK? No.

- Do you want it? I hate you. - That means yes.

You will have to share a bed. I'd rather eat glass. I'm going elsewhere.

Are you ashamed of our love?

And he DID promise me Paris.

Mum? Hmm? Ring this bell if you need anything and I made you a sandwich.

The cupboard was empty, so I improvised, just like you.

You'd be amazed how much I've learnt by watching you. Please go away.

We've run out of tuna, so I used smoked oysters and chutney.

It'll build your strength. Lots of protein. See the nice big chunks.

Oh, Michael!

I'll just leave it here for later.

So, when are you going to talk to me again? In an hour?

In a day?

How about never? Is never soon enough? You just talked!

Come on! No bloody rooms in this bloody city!

Sounds familiar. No room at the inn.

I think a room just became available. Hello.

Excuse me. What was that?

The laundry. Laundry?

The last guest used lots of towels.

Dried himself to death, did he?

Please excuse him. He's been a little...since the accident.

The only accident I had, Nick, was nine months before you were born.

I want two rooms. They don't have to be big rooms, or to have cable.

The only requirement is two rooms on this planet at this present time.

I see what you mean about...

Rita, have rooms 9 and 13 opened up yet? Just about.

He-llo!

We might not need two rooms after all.

I hope you have a pleasant stay. Do you really care? No, sir. That makes two of us.

So, what do you do?

I work in a hotel. You work in a hotel. I stay in a hotel.

We've got a lot in common.

How high up does that tattoo go? None of your business.

It is, actually, cos I'm a professional tattoo artist.

I'm here for the tattoo convention. How come you don't have any tattoos?

Well, I do. I just don't use ink.

I'm just in it for the pain.

Oh, right! So you like a bit of S&M? B&D?

Oh, S&M, B&D, Q...

L, M, N, O, P, all the letters.

Oh, God...

thank you so much.

Oh, yes.

The perfect end to the perfect day.

Oh, look. What a lovely colour scheme.

Every possible shade of cack.

Hello, Janey.

How's Mum?

How do you know she's sleeping if you haven't checked? ..So she's at death's door? I'll say goodbye then.

Switch off the telly, move your arse upstairs and go and get your mother. ..I love you, too, dear.

Hello, wall!

Hello, Susan.

Hello, dear. I wish you were here.

Oh, that's so sweet.

I'm having a horrible time. Horrible room. Convicts have better views.

I don't really want to guess why this phone is stuck to my ear.

I'm drowning in my own mucus, I have a cold sore on my tongue and I've been throwing up all day. Uh-huh.

Think the romance is going out of our marriage? Shut up.

You went to the funeral intentionally to abandon me. Yes, it was tricky convincing Aunt Margaret to snuff it

before the onset of your cold. I'm dying!

Well, I'm in hell, so see you soon.

Are you trying to out-suffer me? Because you can't. You've got me to talk to. All I have is you.

I'm really sorry about this, but I think I've just reached a point where things couldn't get worse.

Oh, yes, they could.

KNOCKING

Hey...! ..Oh, hi.

I was expecting someone else. So was I, but your mother says you're ours.

Good one, Dad. Good one.

No, I've got a date with the lovely Rita. Who?

The bird from downstairs. She'll be here soon. Shouldn't you be getting ready? I am ready.

KNOCKING

You again.

Nick, there's a problem with my room. Guy before not checked out yet?

Oh, he's checked out all right.

What's the problem? I'm staying here tonight. Aw, you miss me already?

Yes, Nick. Nothing to be ashamed of. Come on in, Ruby.

Welcome to the love shack! Yeah?

Otherwise known as the Hotel de Smell.

Well, at least it's got two beds.

Look, Dad, your bed's broken.

Children!

Children, dears!

Can Mummy have a cup of tea?

Children!

Tea! Please!

CHILDREN!

Don't ever ring that again.

Not very nurturing, are we?

I hope you're enjoying your break, Mum. No, I'm bored and I'm starving.

But Michael made you a sandwich. Don't remind me. I hate being ill.

You have to let others do everything for you and they cock it up.

Oh...!

I'm not ready yet. Mum, stupid Brian said he had pills that might help.

And you'd trust pharmaceuticals from someone whose first name is stupid? No, they're really good...

I hear. From what you've HEARD, are they likely to make me giddy and light-headed? No. Then forget it.

PHONE RINGS

Not now, we're busy! ..Well, up yours, mate!

What was that? Some stupid psycho ranting into the phone.

She hung up on me. Great(!)

This is a bloody nightmare! Oh, it's not that bad.

We'll just share a bed. That IS the bloody nightmare, you pillock.

Dad, relax, man.

I could stay the night at Rita's place. Really?

Yeah, but what if she doesn't want to...you know? Please, man, you underestimate me.

Please, man, that is impossible.

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

Cool.

Right.

Was that Janey? No, that was Rita.

She has to work tonight.

We can snuggle up. Oh, for God's sake!

Dad, how do you think I feel? I really care about what's-her-name.

Then she cancels our date because she has to work! Is she gonna give up her job so she can sleep with YOU?

Well, if you put it like that, yes.

I'm tired, OK. It's late. I just want to go to bed. All right?

I know, let's find a pub - you and me - the boys! Tired. Bed. Late. OK?

Well, can I have some money? I'll drink for the both of us. I'll just go and wash my feet.

KNOCKING

the hell...? You ordered champagne.

No, I didn't. And chips. Nick!

Oh, my. Been busy, I see.

No. This is not what it looks like.

Don't worry. We're very discreet around here.

For God's sake, please! This is my son!

I'm not here to judge. No.

Nick, did you order this? Well, yeah. I thought it was gonna be a special night.

Should I open this, or leave you two alone? Take your chips and your champagne and yourself and get out.

He's just in a hurry to get to bed.

I understand. No, you don't understand. There is nothing to understand.

You could do better.

Any more surprises? Have you hired a gypsy violinist to serenade us from the balcony?

No. Do they do that?

Look, I'm tired, very, very tired. I've got a funeral tomorrow and I just want to go to bed. OK?

Cool.

Stop it.

I have to warn you, I like to spread out.

There'll be no spreading tonight. OK?

And if you so much as touch me, I'll kill you. Come on, Dad, relax, man.

It's not the first time we've shared a bed. Remember that night in Cardiff? You were six!

Yeah, you threw up all over me. Good times.

What?

You! You and Rita! I'm so sorry it didn't work out between you.

Me, too. Me, too.

Between you and me, I'm pretty horny.

Nick!

Nick, don't do that.

Nick, take your hand off my... Whoa! Whoa!

BOTH SCREAM

Oh, hi, Rita.

Rita, this is Dad. Dad - Rita.

This is Nick's mum.

Couldn't you at least pretend to be a bit jealous? OK.

LOUD LAUGH

Sorry. Sorry. I tried...

What's that? Flu medicine.

Flu medicine?

From one of Janey's friends. Susan, you are not supposed to take unprescribed medication.

I don't think they write prescriptions for these! Oh, God.

Oh, there's Uncle Bill. Hello, Uncle Bill. I'm going to pay my respects. (Susan!)

What are you doing? Signing the guest book.

David Beckham and Victoria Adams.

Thought I'd give them a bit of a thrill when they go through it later. You...! ..Hello! That's my wife.

She's laughing on the outside, but deep down, she's crying.

We have to remember, "Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted." Matthew, 5:6.

Nick, 6:2.

So, where's the food, man?

Coping with death is never easy for some people.

In my case, neither is coping with life.

(Ben! Ben! Ben!)

Susan...I'm right here. You don't have to whisper like a frog on heat. (You were right.) You were right.

Aunt Margaret WAS a kleptomaniac. Remember those Egon Marcheque Objet Trouve cufflinks I got you? Yes.

Uncle Bill was wearing them. He said Margaret gave them to him.

Maybe she did. Other people bought them.

One of them was missing the zirconium stud that little Nicky swallowed and we had to put him on the colander.

All right. I couldn't eat pasta for a year. He was so sweet. It was like panning for gold.

Don't remind me. Aunt Margaret stole them and gave them to him.

Do you want me to wrestle a bereaved octogenarian to the ground in the hope of retrieving a cufflink?

My whole relationship with your aunt was based on a tissue of lies. You didn't have a relationship with her.

I might have done if she hadn't been such a thief! Calm down. This is the medication talking. You're right.

I'm going to reconnoitre. You're not... Su...

You're...?

Ben.

No, don't tell me. I just did. No, no. You're Sophie's boy.

I'm Vivienne's boy, actually.

Don't you think I know me own sister's name? ..Katy! You remember Sophie's boy? Oh, yes!

It's Ralphy, isn't it?

It is.

Hello. Hello!

Father Boyle, look who got out of jail!

Boo!

Sorry, Mum. I just had to do it.

Look! Look what she's wearing!

Mum, she's dead. I don't think she's going for a fashion statement.

No, no, on her wrist!

Your father bought me that bracelet on our first anniversary.

Uh-uh.

Don't go there, Mum.

Mum!

Where did you get those pills?

My name is Harper, all right? Ben Harper, I swear!

Don't take the Lord's name in vain. I didn't. But you were thinking it. Oh, shut up! ..Nick!

Would you tell them what my name is? Talullah.

What sort of an answer is that? What kind of question is that? My name is Harper, Ben Harper.

Lying to a priest. Ralph, you'll go to hell. I'm already there.

Excuse us. Great funeral.

Talullah - Morticia. I'm gonna leave you two now because, frankly, you embarrass me. Shame on you both.

What have you done? I swear... it was the medication. Oh, God!

I was paying my last respects and it just leapt into my hand. I don't care. Put it back.

But it's the bracelet you bought me on our first anniversary! We had no money, but you bought it, anyway.

I feel so guilty.

This is not the one I gave you. Yes, it is!

It's not the one I gave you.

Ah, look.

"To Archie. Love - Ralphy."

Oops.

At least Ralphy had good taste.

You have to put it back. No, you took it. You put it back. I have flu.

You're frightened she's gonna catch it. Look at the face of the sad little clown.

Give me the pills. No! Give me the pills and I'll put it back.

Fine, fine.

I'll stand guard. No, you will sit there and don't move.

No... Sit! Sit!

HE SOBS

They were so much more than nephew and aunt.

Got it? I can't get it over the thumb. Unhook the clasp!

Come along! Come along. It'll be OK.

Is he all right? Yeah!

I swear I just can't take them anywhere.

So, what's for supper? Pasta. Ah, good. That sounds...safe.

Hand me the colander. Uh-huh.

Shouldn't we order a takeaway?