Original subtitles

Probe.

Typical. Could you hand me the probe, please? That's just how it starts!

The probe.

I'm sorry? Next thing you'll want is...the mirror.

Yes, you're right... You dentists are all the same.

Sorry, do you have a problem with dentists?

You don't want to know. You're right there! My ex-husband was a dentist.

I worked alongside him faithfully for 15 years, only to be discarded like a used swab.

That reminds me... Swab, please.

You're all alike, you dentists,

with your fast cars and your fast women!

Which dental school did your ex-husband actually go to?

You're just after one thing.

Yep... The swab, thanks. Now, would you be quiet and do as you're told?

That's just what HE said - just before he ran off with his young, attractive dental assistant.

Well, there's no danger of that happening here. Are you saying I'm not good enough for you?

I'm sorry for what has happened to you in your past, but you have a job to do!

Next you'll be saying it's not me, it's you! It's definitely you. There are two of us in this relationship.

PHONE RINGS

Who is this?

I don't think so!

Who was that? She said she was a patient,

but I know she was another assistant!

Ah. ..Look, I'm sorry about this.

I've tried, but I'm afraid this isn't working, is it?

That's what HE said.

Janey! Janey! What the hell are you doing in there?!

Flossing - like you tell us to.

Yes. But flossing can harm your health

when your father wants into the bathroom! Oh, Dad!

I have to go to work. I have to go to school.

It's a draw. You're not being clever. So how come I'm in here and you're not?

Hello, Dad. Is it? Mind if I nip in first? Yes, I DO mind.

Is there a queue? Yes, and this is a V.

Why don't you use your own loo? You know why. OK, I'll take another look at it.

It was you taking a look at it that broke it in the first place!

Does anything in this house work after you've looked at it? The TV!

Can I go first? No. You're doing nothing all day. I'm waiting in for the plumber.

I'll be quicker if you stop talking. What does she mean? ..Don't answer.

Ben. What? May I have a word? Mm-hm. In the bedroom.

But... It's private. Oh, Sue... I'm...

Thanks, Dad!

Oh, Janey!

What!

Look. Janey's diary.

Where did you get that? I found it. You FOUND it?

In what sense? Found...as in search of her personal possessions?

As in when Fleming found penicillin - he was looking for something else. What were YOU looking for?

What was Fleming looking for? The point is, I found it. Eureka! Return it before all hell breaks loose.

You don't want Janey to think... You've read it, haven't you?!

Yes, I did.

And it's...it's horrible.

Why? Um... What does it say?

She says, "Mum doesn't trust me."

And? Isn't that enough?! Well, you DON'T trust her - you read her diary!

The point is, she's noticed, so how can we have an open relationship

with a free flow of confidences between mother and daughter? What the hell do you want that for?!

So I know what she's up to.

Well...

What IS she up to? Oh, the usual stuff. What? What usual stuff?

I can't tell you that. It's private!

I mean, does she...you know...?

What?

Um, you know... Nothing. OK.

Sh...

Oh, come on! What does she say about me? Nothing. Nothing? There can't be nothing. I'm her father!

Look for yourself. I don't want to get involved. Maybe that's why Janey

Great. What a wonderful sense of achievement(!)

Yep, goodbye, brooding resentment, hello, total indifference.

Nick! ..Nick!

I'd leave it for a couple of minutes if I were you. ..Why?

Because I'm next! Hey...Mike! Michael!

Wavy lines.

No.

Wavy lines.

No.

Wavy lines.

No.

Wavy lines.

No. ..Wavy lines. No.

Wavy lines. Yes. Hey! Wow, Mum! I'm telepathic!

What am I thinking? Mum wants you to lay the table while I get a beer.

Hello, dear. Nice day at work? I won't answer that but I appreciate the question.

So, did the plumber turn up? No. Mmm. Isn't that always the way? Mmm.

You take a day off and what happens? YOU tell ME. You're the expert.

I had another look at your toilet.

Oh, God! No, no, no! Nick, please...! Dad, Dad, Dad! It's OK. It's just a bit cracked... In half.

But we're getting a new one, aren't we?

You idiot! I knew you were going to say that. He's telepathic today.

Dad, language!

Hi, Mum!

I got an A for my French project!

Really? If Janey says she got an A, she got an A. It's a matter of trust!

I feel one should trust one's children.

Where did you read this? I didn't read it. You just found it somewhere?

I simply engage with my children, and, in return, they notice me. Ah!

What are you doing in there? There's a bit of old pizza stuck to the back wall...

Got it!

That is the most revolting thing I've ever seen. That's because you're out all day.

Can I have a party because I got an A in French? That's how it works(!)

A for French, P for Party, N for No! Of course you can! Doesn't anyone

How about next Saturday? Your father and I are staying with the Pattersons in Oxford that night. Are you mad?

I can have a party while you're away?

Why not? You don't want your stuffy old parents hanging around, checking up on you.

Hello! Do I exist?!

What sort of party will it be? I'll tell you...

Ear-splitting music, stains on the carpet, groping in the bedrooms...!

Should I take notes? Don't worry, I'll keep an eye on things. Yeah! Yeah, like you're invited(!)

I know lots of boys. Nick'll keep an eye on things. All my fears have vanished as the morning dew(!)

I'll be there as well. You'll be at Colin's. I don't like Colin!

Start liking him, or I'll tell everyone that you still wet the bed. I don't! Who will they believe?

I'll put your photo on the internet. Michael!

So, that's agreed! No, it's not agreed. I'm sorry. No, I'm not happy about this. You know how I feel.

If you want to go ahead with this party, it's fine.

Just trample over the tattered remnants of my dignity.

Thanks, Dad! Yay! Party!

No!

Just stop it! We've made our decision. We've got to stick to it.

YOU made our decision. And I'm happy with it.

Really? ..Good.

You're happy that our daughter and her friends

are alone with some spotty herberts high on testosterone. Good(!)

It'll be like the monkey house at London Zoo!

Couldn't you suffer in silence? Let it eat away inside me?

That's what I do. Lie to yourself. Life's easier that way.

You were lying to yourself about being happy? No, I was lying to YOU.

I knew I should have kept that manual when I married you.

Mrs Norton has my mobile number. If anything is wrong, she'll call.

We've done all we can. We might as well enjoy the evening. Oh, yes(!)

And you believe that? Of course not. I'm lying!

Oh, boy, it's going to be a really long journey, this one!

There's an off-licence. We'd better get a bottle. Considering your mood, we'd better get a crate.

Right, is there anything else? There just has to be...

somewhere.

Waasuup! Waasuup! Going to a party in London tonight, mate!

It's a long way to go. It'll be wild. Some girl's been given the run of her house.

You're kidding. No. The parents are out. Idiots!

Every drunken yob within 300 miles will go! Come along!

It'll be wall-to-wall totty! We'd better get there early while there's something left to trash!

What will we tell the Pattersons?

That we had to stop the Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse trashing our house and we may be late.

There are thousands of parties on a Saturday night. It won't be our house!

Of course it's our house! They said the girl's parents were idiots!

We'll have a quick look round. What if Janey sees us?

We'll say we've forgotten something. Like the fact that we trust her?

It's our house, they're our children! Why shouldn't we...?

Spy on them? Yeah... No! If we're open about it...

You know, I mean, just show them that we care, see if everything's hunky-dory.

What else can they do but respect our frankness and honesty?

Best if we park round the corner. ..Yeah.

I can't hear anything. Can you?

No. That's good.

That's bad. Hmm? If there's no music, they're not dancing.

If they're not dancing, what ARE they doing?

Conducting a satanic ritual(?)

I hadn't thought of that. Are you insane?!

Come on! It's just one little look. Lot's wife said the same thing! Come on! Don't fight it.

This could be your only chance to find out what your kids get up to when you're not there.

What's the harm in one little look?

You know you want to.

Strange... No Janey, no Michael, no Nick...

Under any other circumstances, that would be my idea of paradise.

(Where is everybody?)

You remember teenage parties! I know where they'll all be! Of course! The pub. The bedrooms! Ben! Come back!

Let's go before the guests arrive. DOOR OPENS

Come in! Drinks are in the kitchen!

Where's the wrinklies? ..Nice gaff.

Look what you've done. Now we're stuck here. OK, calm down!

We'll explain why we're here, and then walk out.

Over my dead body. It was a figure of speech! OK.

It's only Janey! Who already thinks I don't trust her.

If she catches me here, she'll lose all respect for me and you'll be responsible for keeping her in line.

You're right. We're stuck here.

This is awful! It's not that bad. I can't stand the Pattersons. Mmm.

We're all alone in our bedroom!

Just a nice bit of peace and quiet.

THUMPING BASS

It's all right. I've got a way out of this!

Drink! We can't drink wine! Why not? We haven't got a corkscrew.

The pen is mightier than the sword! That's a pencil. It doesn't matter.

All you've got to do is push the cork in like so...

Hello?

Hello, Mrs Norton. ..Ah! It's Mrs Norton!

I thought I'd better let you know that the music is a bit loud.

Is it? I'm surprised you can't hear it where YOU are!

Well, it would be odd if we could hear it in Oxford, because that's where we are. Yes, I know that.

Well, I'll tell Janey to turn it down...on the phone...from Oxford.

Are you all right? Yes. Well, it sounds pretty noisy where you are, too!

Yes. A car radio! ..I'm losing you. We're going into a tunnel.

A tunnel...in Oxford? You've got it.

Look at this. Easy as... Oh, God!

Things are as you predicted. Loud music, stains on the carpet...

What was next on the list? Eh? Ah, yes! ..Groping in the bedroom!

Hey...I give good list! So I believe!

Red or white? White. Cheers!

Cheers. Oh, yeah!

I feel like a naughty teenager! I can pop down and get you one!

Put your things in here! ALL: Cheers!

You can put your things in MY room.

Is it true that you wet the bed?

Janey!

Who'd have thought a kid would bring food to a party?!

Kids today are ready for anything... ..God! What?

When you say "kids today", you know you're getting old. You are...

mistaken...in mistakenly thinking you are getting old...

You say the nicest things in the most convoluted way. I know. I'm so glad to hear it!

I fancy a bit of dessert. Mmm.

So, I wonder if the kid's got any fruit.

Oh, yeah. Strawberry flavoured...

You're so right. Kids today don't forget anything!

Good - they're being sensible. He should have taken them with him!

DOOR OPENS

Oh, that was close!

Oh, it's ridiculous, Susan! We're in our own bed, we're married and we're afraid of getting caught!

I know. Exciting, isn't it?

Yeah...

Oh, yeah! What are you doing?

I don't know - let's just see what turns up!

Come on, Kevin!

- It's Declan. - Whatever...

This is my parents' room! What are you doing?

- What does it look like? - Get out!

You'll probably break the bed. No-one's had sex in it for years! ..Bloody kids!

This is awful. Well, it's you who got us back here, and all for nothing.

She's being perfectly responsible.

Now we're stuck in our bedroom, being groped by teenagers and listening to jokes about our waning sexual powers.

Things couldn't get worse. Yeah, they could.

I wanna go toilet.

So, it looks like it's just you and me, then.

No - just you.

You cannot use that bathroom. The water's turned off and the toilet's got a bloody great crack in it!

You can't use that bathroom either. Why not? What if Janey catches you? She'll get over it. Well, I won't.

It's 11.30. The party will be over by 3.00. It's only another 4 hours.

All right. Fine.

So what do you do? I'm at school.

Yeah?

Did that once.

So what do you do? I'm an astronaut. We don't have astronauts in England.

Yeah, we do. There's that European space...thingy.

Aha! So how many times have you been into space?

It's kind of top secret, and I don't like to brag. Too bad, because that would really turn me on.

Seven.

In fact, I'm going up tomorrow.

Tonight is my last night on Earth. Is this some bad chat-up line?

Time will tell.

So do you really want to sleep with me?

Because Janey told me you were gay.

I just haven't met the right woman yet.

Maybe in space,

or down here with you.

Was I even close?

Look, I could use the basin!

You can't! This isn't the Young Conservatives' Dinner Dance!

Look, Susan... just work with me on this, OK?

These are desperate times.

The water is off. The toilet is broken. Live with it. ..Ben!

Just looking for a vase!

Hello? ..Oh, hello, Mrs Norton. Everything all right?

Oh, dear. Is it still too loud?

I wouldn't know, being in Oxford.

Yes, that's all very well, but I... Oh...

That is disgraceful!

There's somebody upstairs!

He's... He's...

He's urinating out of the window.

Ben!

Ah!

There's a woman there now, and she's slammed the window on him.

He looks jolly angry... and now they're having a blazing row!

You can't stop me...! You're upsetting the neighbours. I don't care! That's why I had to do it.

I'm going to use the other bathroom, because I have to do it. You can't! You just watch me!

Ben, no! Ben! Oh, God!

You all right, Declan?

That is marvellous(!)

Just great(!) Soaked to the skin!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Janey, the door's locked and I don't think there's anyone in there. This is always happening. ..Let me.

That's disgusting! Oh, God! Oh...

All yours. Ta.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, you all right? You pulled yet? Yeah, Kevin AND Declan. Oh, nice(!)

I think someone's twisted my bra strap. Can you look? Sure.

Oh... When will they learn it's not like opening a can of lager!

Are there any towels in here? I don't know.

Hello. All right?

It's great...except for Declan.

No, where?

On his...you know. Oh, my God. Why? So you can find it!

I can't find any soap. There'll be some by the bath. Hang on. ...There it is.

Mind if I use the toilet?

It's only a number one.

Hello, girls. Oh, in your dreams!

Oh...yes!

Nick!

Oh, hi, Dad.

Nick, I need your help!

Pardon? I need your help, Nick.

Once more? Oh, for God's sake. I was enjoying that!

Janey has taken all my clothes, and then all these girls started...

Dad, we've all been there.

Nick, just get me a towel.

Oh, are you doing this deliberately?

Yeah. Get me a towel, Nick.

Come on!

Listen, you've got to get me back to my bedroom without Janey noticing, OK? What's in it for me?

A life is at stake. Whose? Yours! KNOCK AT DOOR

Hurry up! Declan's being sick.

Again?! He's a bottomless pit! Won't be a second! What do I do now?

Hang on! What? You're supposed to be in Oxford! Ah-h-h!

All right.

Climb out the window, shimmy up the drainpipe,

put your right foot on the boiler, slide, swing your left leg across and you are at your bedroom window.

What? Well, it always works for me. Yeah.

KNOCKING

Just trust me. That's it, I'm staying. Nick, I'm serious! I'll let him puke in your room.

Just a minute! Come on, let's go!

Let's go! OK, let's go, let's go...! I've got it... Yep!

Drainpipe! I'm stuck...

You're gonna have to pull me back... You're gonna...! Pull me back...! OK, Dad. Back in... I've got you!

Oh, dear...

Sorry about that, Dad!

Oh... Hi, darling.

MOBILE RINGS

Hello, Mrs Norton... Oh, hello, Janey!

How's it...?

Your father's where?

He's doing what?

How extraordinary!

Yes, I can see why you're upset.

Well, don't worry, I'll come and sort it out at once...

..except I can't!

Because I'm in Oxford,

and your father's taken the car.

So, I'll... I'll see you in the morning.

Give my love to Dad!