Original subtitles

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

CRUNCH!

Oh, that is bloody marvellous(!)

< Give it back, it's not yours.

Mum, Dad! Janey took my calculator! I did not! Go away!

You go. Stop it! You'll break it!

Mum, Dad! Janey broke my calculator!

You or me? I took out the bin bag. I made dinner.

That's why it was so heavy. OK, OK, I'll go.

SLAM!

Either that or one of them is dead.

Who's in white? United.

Agh!

Who's in red? Liverpool.

So, who's that in the black?

Do you care? I was just curious.

What's the score? It's in the top left-hand corner of the screen.

It would be easier to read if it were in the centre. Susan...

all week I have longed to sit here with a bottle of beer and a glass of crumbs,

just watching the game in silence.

So, who do you think's going to win? I don't know and you don't care.

I'm wasting my precious silent time discussing football with you.

Let's talk about something else. All right, but after the whistle.

WHISTLE

Remember that weekend in Paris?

Hold on. Whistle.

Yes! Hah! Woo-hoo! Penalty!

You were saying? Weekend in Paris? Yes, the weekend in Paris. Yeah.

This is rather important, Ben...

WHISTLE

Oh, hold on, hold on, whistle.

Oh-ho, yes, he shoots.

Yes, he scores! Wah-heh!

I think I may be pregnant.

Huh?

He shot, he scored indeed.

Are you serious?

No, I don't want to disturb you. Watch your game. Susan!

You can't say that and just walk out.

You wanna talk? How did this happen? Do I have to explain it every time?

Nick - "How did this happen?" Janey - "How did this happen?"

Michael, well, we both said it.

Well, at least that proves there is a God...

and he hates me.

Are you awake?

Yes, I'm awake.

Strangely enough, I can't sleep.

Maybe it's something to do with the casserole,

or wait, perhaps it's something to do with the fact that my wife thinks she might be pregnant.

Oh, please, don't get all excited.

Perhaps you should have said that in Paris.

You're not happy about this, are you?

Are YOU?

I asked first.

I agree with you.

I haven't said anything. Does it matter?

Yes, I want your opinion.

Oh, no. No way.

I'm not falling for that again.

Remember those inflatable chairs at the wedding? You wanted my opinion.

I told you, and you just got angry.

Your answer was stupid. Those chairs were avant-garde.

I rest my case.

Ben, we're in this together. I really want your input.

You've already had my input, which is what got us into this mess in the first place.

Oh, so you think this is a mess?

Susan, I don't even like the children we have now.

I don't know how I'm gonna feel about having another one.

You have no opinion on something so important in our lives?

Well, neither do you. Yes, I do. Which is?

I think we should definitely...

maybe...think about it.

Yeah...me too.

Good, then that's settled.

What?

Yes, baby.

I know, baby.

I wuv you too, baby.

Hello. New girl.

Sowwy, baby, but I weely have to go.

No, no, you hang up.

No, you hang up first!

No, no, I wuv YOU.

No, I wuv you more.

No, you hang up.

No, I hang up.

Please, this is a surgery, not a bloody playschool.

You have no sense of romance. That was my boyfriend.

I am so sorry. Oh, it was a personal call(?) I do beg your pardon.

I thought you were ordering supplies!

Now wun along and get my fwigging patient.

God!

Baby this, baby that!

Everything baby, baby, baby!

Mrs Ford's here for a check-up.

Hypnotic, eh? Before I was pregnant, men used to stare at me breasts. Oh.

I'm so... Er, sorry, no offence. Just pop yourself in...

Heave...haul... Sorry. Just sit down, please, thank you.

Oh, good, right. So, what do we have here? It's a boy.

Did you hear that, Mr Harper? It's a boy. Isn't that brilliant?

It's so bwilliant! Yeah, lovely. Er...let's get started, shall we?

Ow! No, I haven't touched you yet.

Oh, I just felt a little kick. Oh, how wonderful!

Did you give Mummy a wittle kicky?

Would you please stop talking like that? So, is it your first?

Oh, yes, we're so excited. I've read all the books, been to all the classes, done up the nursery.

We're all ready for our little bundle of joy. Bundle of joy?!

You two haven't a clue what you're talking about, have you?

Excuse me? Hm?

I don't think Mr Harper likes babies. No, no, babies are fine.

Babies are lovely, but can you trust them?

When they look at you with their cute eyes, what are they really thinking?

They're looking for weak spots.

First they learn to talk, so they can answer back.

Then they learn to walk, so they can walk into shops and walk out having spent your money.

Then they're off to school, where they collect "friends", so that they learn to hunt in packs.

And finally when they're old enough to fly the nest,

they don't.

Look at you - you're fat, bloated, your feet ache, your back aches,

you want to pee every ten minutes.

Well, enjoy it, because this is as good as it gets!

You're horrible! I'm not horrible. I'm a parent.

DOOR SHUTS

Must be the hormones.

This Madonna and child is a perfect example of mid-16th century Italian painting.

The same composition was used by many of Bernardino's contemporaries.

Note the nativity in the left background.

Let's move on.

This Madonna and child was painted by...

Oh, look at the little baby!

Look at those adorable cheeks and those chubby fingers and toes.

Isn't he cute?

Let's move on.

So, have you thought about it?

Yes, I've been thinking.

We'll be OK for the first few months, but then we're going to need to convert the loft.

Hang on. I thought you said we were gonna think about it!

This sounds like WE'VE decided. Isn't it wonderful?

I do have an opinion. Is it one you'll regret?

Susan, please, why do you do this to me?

You always say we'll think about things together and then you rush off and decide things on your own.

Saves time.

Come on, Ben. Remember how adorable Nick was when he was a baby?

Lying there with his little smile, completely helpless.

Hasn't changed a bit, has he?

OK, bad example. Yeah. Susan...

Susan, don't you think we're a little old to be having children?

And by "we" I mean "me".

Me being too old to carry him on my shoulders, to teach him to swim, or play football in the park.

What are you worried about? You never did that with the others. Yes, but I COULD have.

On the other hand, maybe older means wiser.

This time we'll be better parents.

And by "we" I mean "you".

Yes, but what if I'm not better this time?

You're not a bad parent. What? Where have you been for the last 20 years?

Why not admit it? You've loved every minute of it. At least I have.

I mean, what are we going to do when the kids leave home?

Jumping for joy comes to mind.

You don't really mean that.

Oh, God!

I feel like I've come to the end of my prison sentence

and then I get 20 years added on for 10 minutes' bad behaviour.

Three and a half, actually.

Hi, Mikey.

Hey...what are you doing up?

Checking the Tokyo stock exchange.

Oh.

You know, when I was your age, I used to sit under the covers at night,

reading my comics by torchlight.

Yeah, and I used to count all my cigarette card collection.

Shouldn't you be in bed?

Yeah, yep, right, sorry.

OK, bye.

Aggh!

What are you doing?

I'm boning a haddock.

Where are you going? Come and sit.

Have you noticed we never just sit around and talk?

I thank God for it every day. Ouch!

I know I may regret asking this, Nick, but why are you doing that at two in the morning?

If Mum was awake, she'd take over.

She'd take over even in her sleep.

I hear you. Still, I have learned a lot of my culinary skills from watching her. I do the opposite.

I've been watching both of you over the years.

Everything you say, everything you do, it's all in here.

Are you trying to frighten me?

It's a compliment. Everything I learned about being a man, I learned from you.

What are you talking about? I'm a terrible father.

I don't even know what I'm doing here. Everything I say is wrong.

Not true. You give me great advice.

Remember going camping when I was little, and I set the tent on fire?

You said, "Nick, you can't ever learn anything in life without screwing up once in a while."

I never said that. I said, "Nick, just once can't you ever learn anything without screwing up?"

You're right. You are a terrible father. Thank you.!

Thank you! Finally someone understands.

More coffee? Don't worry about me. I can get it myself.

Heaven knows, you're not obliged to get me coffee.

Susan, I've been thinking about the baby... You won't even notice us.

It'll be like we're not there.

No need to worry that your child is being raised without a father. You go ahead and live your jet-set life.

Susan, I want you to know that I'll support you.

I'll be like farm women who carry their babies with them in the field.

What field? I come from a long line of independent women. You come from a long line of complainers.

We're independent AND we complain. WE can do two things at once.

Susan, I've given it a lot of thought and I really want to have this...

..egg.

You don't mean that.

Yes, I do.

Ben, if you don't want the...egg, don't say that you do.

I'll have an egg. Me, too.

I'm telling you Susan, I really want this...egg. Look, Ben,

an egg isn't something you go into half-heartedly.

It needs...

love, commitment, care.

You think I don't know that? I've had eggs before. I know all there is to know about eggs.

But every egg is different.

Will you accept it if it's hard-boiled...

fried...

..scrambled?

What's for breakfast? Eggs, I think.

I'm telling you, Susan, I want another egg.

Mum, just give him the egg!

You do want the egg, don't you? Yes. That's what I've been trying to say.

I want another...

Agh!

Did you get my shiitake mushrooms?

No, I did not get your shiitake mushrooms. They were too expensive.

I got you plain mushrooms instead.

How do you expect me to become a four-star chef with one-star fungus?

I don't. I expect you to try this latest "career" of yours until the first hint of frustration,

and then to move on to some other hair-brained scheme.

I can't help being eclectic. What? Eclectic. Interested in everything.

Meaning you have the attention span of a gnat. What...? See? What's this?

You can afford £12 on an early pregnancy test, but you can't afford an extra 75p for mushrooms?

I can't work under these conditions.

Who's pregnant?

No-one.

You're lying, aren't you?

I don't have to answer that. You do if you plan to stay under this roof, young man. If I what?!

Hey, this is fun. Go to your room! No, you...

Nick, OK, look, you've gotta keep this quiet.

Oh, my God, a mistress! How continental!

Nick, I do... I do not have a mistress!

Oh, denying it. How British.

For God's sake, it's your mother! Mum? Wow! So who's the lucky fella?

I don't know why I even bother talking to you.

You have to get it off your chest.

I don't want Janey and Michael to know that your mum might be pregnant.

Ah! Don't worry. Mum's the word!

Oh, come on. There's got to be some mistake. Remember their last mistake?

What?! I'm sorry, mate. I didn't want to have to tell you this way.

You didn't HAVE to tell me at all! Can you imagine them having sex? No!

Why do they want to? Look at them. The eyesight's going. It's gross.

They're well past their sex-by date. Michael scraped in under the wire.

The baby's good. Maybe you'll stop picking on me. That'll never happen.

It's never good. Baby food, nappies, pushchairs. They're not cheap. Where do you think the money comes from?

I don't know. Your allowance, that's where.

I hadn't thought of it that way. I've been through this before. It isn't pretty.

I think this baby could be pretty cool. It's the perfect distraction.

While they're busy with the sprog, we can do whatever we want.

All we have to do is keep that baby crying.

You're home late.

Sorry. Could you start dinner? I had a mishap at work.

Another mishap? A Norwegian had her handbag stolen outside of Harrods.

She should have been more careful. It wasn't her fault. These things happen.

That's convenient - no blame, no responsibility.

What are you talking about? I wasn't born yesterday.

I remember. I was there. Is your dad in the bedroom?

Is that all you think about? That's how you got into this trouble. There are consequences to your actions.

I know, I'm looking at one.

Don't take that tone with me. I don't know what you did in your day, but WE carry condoms.

Janey... Janey, I'm not pregnant. You're not?

I thought I was, but I'm not. Thank you for your concern(!)

And what do you mean, you carry condoms? Got to make dinner.

"Hold the absorbent tip in the urine stream for five seconds."

Woo! That's a hard target.

So, are you pregnant? Oh!

No, look, I just thought I'd buy a test, so we could check things out.

You needn't bother. False alarm. Oh! There's no need to be so happy.

Oh, I know, I know, I know. Stop it! I'm so...

Aren't you a bit relieved?

There's a difference between relief and acting like the village idiot.

Phew!

I'm glad that's over. You're telling me!

So, what do we do now? Um...

Do you think discovering you're not pregnant is a turn-on?

Well, it works for me.

You don't want any more children, do you? Whatever gave you that idea?

Yeah! All right, all right, OK, OK.

I have to admit, I don't think I want to go through all that again.

Well, the sex part was fun.

You know what I mean. We may not be so fortunate next time.

Well, um...we're gonna have to be more careful. Oh, right.

Nothing's foolproof. Hm? Especially if we're in Paris and the birth control is in London.

The problem isn't birth control. The problem is you find me irresistible.

What can I say? I have low standards.

Good. Thank God for that!

Well, if you don't want any more children... Mm-hm. ..and I don't want any more children... Mm-hm.

..who are we trying to kid? Hm.

There's only one thing left to do. Right.

Right.

What?

Surgery.

Isn't that a bit drastic? Do you have a better idea?

Well, how long are you gonna have to take off work?

What, to look after you?

WHAT?!

Well, if it's me, it's major surgery.

Well, if it's me, it's ME!

We've dodged the bullet long enough. Oh, so now you want to use a knife?

I go into a cold sweat when the doctor says cough!

Well, at least think about it.

Yes, all right, I'm thinking...

What, how to get out of it? Yep.

Well, you don't have to decide right away.

Just promise me...promise me you'll sleep on it. Sleep on it?

I'm going to hide it.

We perform a procedure known as the no-scalpel vasectomy, or NSV.

See, Ben? No scalpel. Good, good.

We use sharpened forceps for the incision in the scrotum.

Bad, bad.

You'll only feel a slight discomfort.

I'm a dentist. "Slight discomfort" means "it hurts like hell"!

Plenty of people have done this.

Name one person we know who's had it done. Nigel.

Nigel's a cat! But the principle's the same.

He didn't have a choice. Neither do you.

Mr Harper, after only five days, you'll be able to resume normal sexual activity.

Hm? Oh...

I mean, that we'd have to wait that long.

I've never had an accident while operating. Last year alone, I performed over 600 vasectomies.

I'm just worried about THIS one.

If it goes wrong, we have a money-back guarantee.

Money-back guar...? I'm not buying a video recorder. When I push "play", I want it to play.

So, why do you keep pushing "fast forward"?

You're wasting your time, doctor.

As you can see, the surgery's already been performed.

Don't I get a kiss? If you promise not to talk about the vasectomy.

I won't say a word. Put that knife down first.

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! What's for dinner?

Duck a l'orange. Nick's making it.

I'm not paying you to gab. How are the carrots?

Could we have a minute? The duck's almost ready. The duck waits for no-one. Out!

Very well. I can see my head chef's hat means nothing to you.

Ben... Susan, you promised not to talk about vasectomies.

I wasn't going to, but you brought it up. It's a simple procedure.

There is nothing simple about THAT area.

It's not brain surgery. Perhaps in your case it IS.

Another round...for me and my pal.

Same again? Don't know. Let me check.

Same again? "OK." Yep, same again. Don't you think you two have had enough?

I have, but he can go on for hours.

Buy a girl a drink? I'll buy you a drink.

This happens to be my wife, thank you! What, you're married to him?

I'm afraid so. It's on the house. White wine. Chardonnay or Zinfandel?

A double Scotch, please. What are you doing here?

This whole thing is stupid. We're making a big deal out of nothing.

I don't want to force you into something you don't want to do. Oooh! ..Right.

Drinks are on me...except for him.

Thank you, you've made me the luckiest man in the world.

Enjoy the moment. Without surgery, you might never get lucky again.

So, um...

when do you put me out, then?

We don't. It's a local anaesthetic. You'll be awake for the procedure.

Oh.

Agh! Agh! Agh!

Are you sure you're OK? Yeah, I'm fine.

I could really manage some ice cream. You finished it yesterday.

OK. Never mind. Fine.

Agh! I'll get you some more. Thanks.

I appreciate what you've done. I know it can't have been easy.

Well, you know, sometimes, you have to make sacrifices for family.

Oh-h! Yeah.

Could you make it chocolate chip...

with fudge sauce and cherry topping.

Whatever you want, dear.

Just a little something special I whipped up for you. Yeah?

Custard topped with cinnamon. Hey!

Try it. If I'd known I'd get this attention, I'd have had this done years ago,

like nine months before we had you.

It's delicious. This is your bill.

What? Fifty quid! I took the liberty of adding a 15% gratuity.

Take the liberty of ripping it up. PHONE RINGS

Hello. Big Nick's Bistro.

Yep.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, I'll tell him.

It's Dr Charles' office.

They want to know if you've decided to reschedule your vasectomy.

Feel free to add more than 15% if you'd like.

You really haven't thought this through, have you?

Yep, yep, I have, I have.

Oh, yeah, Got a really, um... a really good plan.

Ben? Yeah.

Ben! Yeah.

Are you in the mood?

No.

I've got a headache.

Still?!

Yeah. Terrible.

Agh!

Susan?

Darling?

Um...

I think I might have a little surprise for you.