Original subtitles

Pass me the er...

Half Hollenback?

Yes, thank you.

Oh, doing it like that, are you?

Yes, I'm doing it like that, because that's the way I do it.

It's just that I tend to favour the Ward Carver, myself.

PHONE RINGS

Are you going to answer that?

I suppose so.

What's up with him?

Well, let me put it this way.

Imagine you want to be a dentist.

You spend five years at dental school, fail your exams,

and thus harbour a deep resentment against dentists.

Where's the last place you would like to work? Oh.

Hm. I see.

Would you mind not standing so close? I'm sorry.

I wanted to see if some of the magic would rub off.

Find out the big secret.

Oh, right.

I see.

Going to do it like that, are you?

Hello, Nick. How was your day?

The usual. Got up, went to work,

got sacked.

You seem depressed. I got sacked.

You weren't depressed last time.

That was yesterday.

Sacked twice in two days. People will say I'm a useless layabout.

Why hasn't that useless layabout got a job? That IS his job.

God, this new assistant!

He's the most annoying man I've ever met.

Is this the Bulgarian? Susan, keep up.

I've had three assistants since the Bulgarian.

Never employ a frustrated dentist.

Or marry one.

She doesn't mean that.

Did you mean it about the useless... Yes.

Can I have some? No, it's 15 years old.

I don't mind.

If this man annoys you so much, sack him. Are you kidding?

Don't you realise,

this is the first time in my life someone's jealous of me.

Don't you see? I have arrived.

It's too delicious.

But he's got to go.

I know. Resentment can lose its glitter. I dread to think

who that agency will send me next. A cleptomaniac with Tourette's.

You could try the agency I've been using.

I don't REALLY want a cleptomaniac with Tourette's. They're very thorough.

How would you know? They fired me.

I'm "chronically unemployable".

They're perceptive, then.

Ben, his self-esteem is at rock bottom.

Then it's matching reality.

PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

If that's stupid Brian, I don't want to talk to him. Hello.

Hello?

I know you're there, I heard a clunk.

That's stupid Brian. He always drops his mobile.

Oh, yes, she's here. I'll get her.

It's Brian.

No. No? I broke up with him yesterday. He must have forgotten.

Tell him again! No, Dad. You tell him.

I'm not...

Er hello? Brian?

No, it's not Janey, it's, it's um...

it's her dad. Yeah.

She said she broke up with you yesterday.

Yes, I'm afraid it IS serious.

Oh, look, don't cry, Brian.

Er...look, Brian, I really think this is for the best.

For both of us.

Yes, look, yes, of course we can still be friends.

Of course, Brian.

Bye-bye, Brian.

Anyone else want anything? Nick, want me to sign on for you?

Oh, would you, Dad?

Would you rub cream on my rash?

PHONE RINGS

What! Yes? Hello?

Janey! Someone called Mark!

Any messages you want passing on?

It's over, or you're pregnant? Sorry, Mark. Joke.

I was just thinking of you.

Listen, I've just had an idea.

Nick needs a job, you need an assistant...

Both things are true.

Well? Sorry, what was the idea?

What she's saying is...

The answer is, in your dreams,

on the moon, or when hell freezes over.

Thanks for being so supportive(!)

That's being insane.

You're undermining Nick's confidence. He's not. I am.

You're just too flaky to notice.

There you go again. Dig, dig.

Ever wondered why he's flaky, incompetent and lazy?

Mum, that DOES undermine my confidence.

You don't trust him. Give him a job, you'll be surprised.

Oh, yeah, I'll be surprised.

There'll be bats flying out my arse.

If you're so concerned, Susan,

why don't YOU give him a job?

Because that's different.

Why is it different?

HE CHUCKLES

No, that was just the warm-up.

Would you like to work for me? What are the hours like?

See? He doesn't want the job. Yes, I do. What?

When do I start?

Nick, please pay attention. Sorry, Mum.

But it's the first badge with my name on since that McDonald's job.

It's good to be back.

Please, concentrate.

We're taking a party of 40 on a London Heritage walk.

Stick close to me, do as I do,

and if you're unsure... I'll just wing it.

No, no. Just ask. Now...

Here's your umbrella.

Your staff of office, your tour guide sceptre, if you like.

I have a question. If Buzz Lightyear doesn't know he's a toy,

why doesn't he speak to humans? What?!

You said to ask if I wasn't sure of anything.

Be serious. If you do this properly,

keep your nose clean, and hold down a job,

it'll really annoy your father.

Gotcha, Mum.

Nick!

Nick! Oh, hi, Mum. We're just studying.

I know, dear. Have you seen Nick?

He's not home yet. This is awful!

No, Mum, you're thinking of Nick IS home.

Hello, Mark. No, I'm Tom.

So you're not the one who called... I'll leave it at that.

Oh, thank God!

Glad somebody's glad to see me.

I thought you were Nick. That's not funny, Susan.

Who's that? That's Tom. Tom?

We're studying.

Ah, right.

I may have slipped into a parallel universe.

You thought I was Nick, and Janey's studying. You're so naive.

It was a cover story. They were smooching.

What?!

Hang on, this is called Tom.

Yesterday it was Mark, the day before it was Brian.

She's young. She'll grow out of it. I should hope so.

I did. I should BLOODY hope so!

Hang on, why did you think I was Nick?

No reason.

How did it go today? Oh, fine. Fine.

No disasters, catastrophes, or things like that. Oh, that's... very good, yes.

In fact, it went so well, I... It went so well, I...

sent Nick off by himself.

You sent Nick off by himself?

HE CHUCKLES

Course you did!

All right, I lost him.

30-love!

You wouldn't listen. He's unemployable!

It's early days. He needs care, love, and tenderness.

Hiya, Mum. YELLS: Where the hell have you been?

Hey, don't ask me what sort of day I've had. Where's that beer?

OK, OK, so you got lost.

Fine. But did you have to take my entire tour group with you?

There goes another job. Oh, you led a little tour!

Your mother will be proud. What was it called?

Pub Crawl of London Town, or Shops You Can't Go Into Again?

It was Dylan Thomas' London. Oh, the pub crawl. Don't encourage him.

I only asked. I was talking to Nick.

What have you done with your umbrella?

It's probably still at the police station. And your badge?

I think I left it in casualty.

And your clipboard? A baboon ran off with it.

Well, at least you took them to the zoo.

No.

Shut up, you! This is all your fault.

Me?! You've been willing him to fail.

Beaming failure rays at him? I wouldn't put it past you.

No beer, you've got work tomorrow. Eh? Eh?

I've still got the job? Yes.

Wow! I've never had a second day before.

What do I do?

The same as you did on the... No, scrub that.

You really don't have to do this. Yes, I do.

He's the only one who knows where he left the tour group.

Well, that old filling's cracked,

and allowed decay to set in.

I'll drill it out and give you a new one. OK, you're the expert.

What's going on?

Oh, Mr Davis was telling me what he's going to do.

Oh, really?

What Mr Davis is going to do

is answer the phone, make coffee, and book appointments.

If that's the way you want to do it.

I thought HE was the dentist. No, I'M the dentist!

Although I did spend five years at Bristol University dental school.

You've got a cracked filling, and decay's set in.

That's what HE said. I'M saying it!

I thought you were on holiday.

I left the room for five minutes, though it SEEMED like a holiday.

Let's get cracking.

Er...actually,

I think I'll cancel my appointment.

Let me know when you qualify.

Oh, great(!)

I know, Ben. I know.

It's a horrible thing, rejection.

I'll pack my things. Mm-hm.

And then he just left.

I managed to sack him with a look.

HE CACKLES

God, I was good!

Amazing.

Don't go over the top. No, this letter.

From the school, about Janey.

Send them a letter of apology and a cheque to cover the damage.

They want her to go to Oxbridge. What's that? Code for youth detention centre?

Her grades have gone through the ceiling. Was she on the floor above?

Oh, my God. Look.

Mm, the signature looks genuine. Good for Janey.

Just think,

university.

Our little girl,

who we've watched growing up, nurtured, and cared for...

gone.

Our little girl passing her exams, and...

going.

I knew she could do it if she applied herself.

The only thing Janey's applied herself to is boys.

And there's a different one here every day.

She's obviously giving them dates in exchange for private coaching.

Do you know what that sounds like in MY book?

A very clever plan?

Later, Kev. When?

After you explain the theory of value in relation to economics.

God, Janey,

you're insatiable. What?! Ben! Ben!

Er...hi, Janey.

And you are? Kev.

Kev. What happened to Tom?

Tom's history.

We're so sorry.

No, Tom's history, Kev's economics.

And Mark?

French conversation. So, it's a different boy for every subject.

So?

So? So, I suppose the reason stupid Brian got the elbow was because he's... Stupid.

Shame, really. He was so kind, sweet, good-looking and sexy.

Yeah, but I'm a better kisser.

Actually, no.

You mean you only want me for my mind? What sort of boy do you think I am?

An economist.

You've used me, Janey!

You'll get used to it.

There's only one other boy who's good at economics, and he's gay!

Mike! What do you know about economics?

Supply and demand. If you want information, you give me money.

Why is everyone making it so hard to get a simple education?

Why go to university anyway?

It's a way out without getting a job.

There's prison. There's death.

It doesn't make sense, you at university.

Have you even thought which one?

Course I have! I'm not an airhead.

(SIGHS) What's the one with all the clubs?

Enjoying that?

Yes, thank you.

Got to the bit where the secretary finds it's his gun? BEN.

How can you read, at a time like this? Let's see.

That was easy.

Think what our daughter is doing! Getting good marks.

Yes, and Toms and Kevs.

Sleeping with the boss? Smart move, Dad.

Hercules returns from his labours.

How was Day Two at the coalface?

Good one, Dad. Mum told me not to come in today.

Did she indeed? Yes. Staff training. He was reading up on background.

And watching telly.

Funny sort of job, loafing. It's hardly employment at all?

Sorry, Mum. Did I drop you in it? I did, didn't I?

I'll be in my room, if you need me.

You don't need me, do you?

Just get out.

Advantage Ben Harper.

OK. You win. I'll sack him. Now can I read?

What page are you on?

I'm not going to finish the chapter, am I?

Playing the field is one thing.

Doing it to get into university is quite wrong.

Will you talk to her, or sit and stew?

Sit here and stew. It's less trouble. For you, maybe.

What am I going to say to her?

She doesn't respect me. She never listens to me.

Sometimes I'm not sure if she even likes me.

Well, there you are then.

You've got nothing to lose.

The cop's wife did it.

Hi. Working, Dad. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I thought we'd have a little chat about work. And boys.

You didn't. I did. You didn't.

I - all right, I didn't. But I'm, I'm here now, OK?

God, she's got you whipped. She hasn't.

She has not.

This is all my idea, OK?

I think your private tuition scheme

not to be dismissive or judgemental,

I mean, entirely appropriate.

Yeah, that does sound like your idea.

It's not nice to be seeing three blokes and getting something in return.

Seven, actually. What? How many A-levels are you taking?

There's various papers. Language, literature, medieval, modern.

What do you mean, not nice?

You - uff - well, love,

love is something special. Not to be shared.

I mean, it is to be shared,

but not for commercial ends.

Do you know where you're going here? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. In the grand scheme of things,

once I get my bearings.

What I'm trying to say is,

there are women in the world who...

who in return for payment offer certain services.

Are you calling me a prostitute?

No.

You're calling me a prostitute. No, Janey, I didn't mean -

It's what you meant. Thanks, Dad!

HE GROANS

That went rather well.

I heard shouting.

There was a lot of plain speaking on both sides.

What have you done?

I may have to go away for a while.

Why?

I might have called Janey a prostitute.

How did you manage that?

It's a metaphor. I should hope so!

I'm not going to apologise. That's best. You might offend her.

This is all your fault. My fault?

You're the one who wanted to talk to her.

"Hi, Dad."

It's all right. She's at school.

You scared me. It's good to even things up.

Oh, God, Susan, what am I going to do?

You could skulk about in a dressing gown.

But after that. How do I face shame and embarrassment?

That's never bothered you.

Have you told him yet? What?

That you're sacking him?

That was just a ruse to make you happy. Huh. I'm not.

And I'm not sacking him.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Oh, hello, Janey.

Ha, ha, ha!

Game and set.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Is that you, Brian? I heard a clunk.

Oh! Yeah. Hello, Dad.

Did you say Dad? Isn't it your name?

No!

That's what Janey calls you.

Janey's at school at the moment.

Oh, right! So am I!

Why are you calling here?

I want to talk to you. Me? Why me?

I feel we've bonded. I've... I've only spoken to you once.

I know. Amazing, isn't it?

Brian, please - I'm a very busy man.

I just want Janey back. I know I'm not as clever as those guys,

but I really love her.

Brian, it really isn't clever to go out with Janey.

OK? Quite the reverse, in fact.

How do I win her back? You're a man who knows women.

Ah, well...

Yeah, well...get her flowers or something.

OK. Well, how much do I spend?

I don't know, Brian. Ten quid.

Cor. Top idea.

Thanks, Dad.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

HE SIGHS

Oh, yes.

Puh, puh, puh, puh.

HE INHALES DEEPLY

What is this?

The Truman Show?

If you'd come this way...

There's a lot to get through. Right.

Here we have a typical English home, the family seat

of the Harper dynasty.

Here we have a typical English man. Hi, Dad! Hi, er, Nick.

He's slobbing about in a dressing gown.

There's the telly. There's his banana sandwich.

Nick! Pretend we're not here.

You may be intrigued to know he's fallen out with his daughter

after calling her a prostitute. Please!

The repercussions of this incident

are with us today. NICK!

OK, folks. Time for a break.

Do use the facilities.

Snacks are in the kitchen. Not the yoghurt. I spat in it.

What are you doing? Touring a typical English home.

What the hell for? Mum said to go off and use my head.

In those exact words?

Well, she told me to go off. Sort of. Nick.

What are these people doing?

I ran out of historical sites.

Oh, good idea. Tower of London.

Please...thank you.

Would you put that down?

Nick! I was looking for you. Thank goodness.

You're fired. Oh. OK.

Happy now?

Nick? Nick, please get all these people out, now.

Sorry, mate. Not my job any more.

"Can you hold, please?" No, I will not hold!

You were supposed to send a temporary dental assistant!

"He's eminently qualified."

I know. I'm looking at his CV. But I'm not looking at HIM!

"Who?" Ramon Manlucas, for the fifth time! Ramon Manlucas!

Hello. I am Ramon Manlucas.

Merciful heavens.

I am qualified, with many recommendations from dentists in Spain.

Are you insane? No, I am Ramon Manlucas.

I am born in Portabuenos and educated in Madrid.

I am looking much forward to working in England.

I'm looking much forward to booting you up the backside.

Get out, Nick. Who is Nick?

Drop it! I know it's you.

Yes, it is me,

Ramon Manlucas.

It's the moustache, isn't it?

It...it was going so well.

What have you done with the real Ramon Manlucas?

There isn't one! That's the brilliant part!

Can I have a job?

Just close the door,

on your way out.

No, you're right. I mean, what's the point?

I can't work for you. I can't work for Mum.

Whenever I get a job, I get fired.

Might as well forget work.

It's just embarrassing for everyone.

Thank you. Excuse me.

Yeah. It is embarrassing, Nick.

You are incompetent.

But there are people all over the world

who are incompetent, many of whom have had jobs for years

because they've never been found out. Er...maybe you're the same.

You've just got to find an incompetent boss.

When do I start?

OK. Stand right there.

Don't do anything. Don't touch anything. Just watch. OK?

Here we go.

Ah. You're doing it like that, are you?

Hello, everyone. Hello.

Hi, Janey.

Just going to the kitchen. Anyone want anything?

No, thank you.

Janey?

Tea. Good. Good.

Still haven't forgiven him, then ?

Yeah.

I've thought about it. I was wrong. He was right.

In a way.

Are you going to tell him?

Sugar? Two.

Why would I want to do that?

DOORBELL RINGS

Hi!

Janey! It's Stupid Brian. Cool.

Hi, Janey!

Hi, Brian!

What have you got there?

Flowers.

Well, I was going to buy you flowers, but I sort of...forgot.

Oh!

It was your dad's idea.

Here you are. A nice cup of tea.

I hate you!

Subtitles by ITFC for BBC Subtitling, 2001