All language subtitles for Motherland.S03E01.Nit.Blitz.720p.HDTV.x264-KETTLE[eztv.re]_track4_[eng]

This programme contains
some strong language

As difficult as this time is,

it's 0nly by complying with the
guidelines -

combing, shamp00ing,

combing again,

that we can reduce the chance
of these nits spreading.

I'm now going to hand you over to
0ur expert from the Lice P0- Lice,

Laura Tumley.
Thank you, Janet,

and I am pleased to say that there
is some indication

that nit curve is starting to
plateau.

Can we go to the next slide, please?

As you can see, this is 0ur bor0ugh
here. We're doing really...

I tve actually never had nits.
Oh, my God, if I was a nit,

I 'd be all over your head like an
all-you-can-eat buffet.

...going to hand out some
leaflets in a second about that.

Thank you, Laura.

We can take some questions.

Er, yes, Darius' mum?

What's the sch00l doing to
protect against the spread?

If we find a live case,
the child's table will be isolated.

They're sent home until
they've all been treated.

Next question, please.

Don't be a dick.

We want to go home.

Yep, here.
It's about the grannies, real*.

Um, I have my mother living with me,
albeit temporari*,

I 'd like to stress that.
Do I have to do her as wel*

Yeah. Er, grandparent hair is
thinner, and basically dead,

s0 they're less at risk, but we do
still advise keeping your distance.

So you're recommending,
according to the science,

that I should ask my mother
to move out?

Er...

Erm...

That's all we have time for.

Laura does 0ffer a nit blitz
shamp00ing service

if you're interested.

Thank you. Yes, I have some leaflets
here. Cheers.

Jeez! *30O for a shamp00 party?

Wh0's doing it? Vidal Sass00n?

Jesus Christ,
just a couple of pidd* nits.

They're not even life-threatening.
You can't die of nits.

You can die from nits, actually.

There was an 0ld woman in Kildare,
and she scratched her head

s0 hard she made a hole in her
skul* and some dirt got in it,

and it killed her.
That's a harrowing limerick, Anne.

I like telling Lee
he's got to get treated,

even when the kids haven't got lice.

I tell him he's got to leave it on
for a week and sleep upright,

and he totally does. Dickhead.

J ill's always lice-free.

I think it's her scent.

She does eat a lot of turmeric.

Or maybe it's because she's never in
the same r00m as you and the kids.

No, that's not entirely...

No, actually, you're right.
She comes in from work,

and she's straight up that
loft ladder like a chinchilla.

She loves that loft.
It's basically...

What's the female equivalent
of a man cave?

Panic r00m?

Hey, you know you could use this,
Kev, to get close to J ill again.

Tell her she's got nits.
You know, wash her hair.

Could be intimate, like Ghost.

Oh, it's a lovely idea, Liz, but J ill
can't abide having her head touched.

Anything above the Adam's apple
is a n0-go zone.

Yo, y0. All right, mateys?

Hey, nice hair, Gordon Geck0.

I was thinking more Sharon Stone,
thanks.

You're l00king very smart,
Elizabeth.

Yeah, I had a job interview in town.

Shoe shop.
Ooh, you're getting a job?

Kids are at sch00l now,
and I'm just sat at home, s0...

You're having a glow up.
You what?

Oh, my God. Holly Willoughby was
chatting about this on This Morning.

Basically, you have three
glow ups in your life.

It's like a life upgrade.

Yeah, yeah,
I suppose I am having a glow job.

I'm going to have a massive
glow spurt when my mum moves out.

I mean, I love her and everything,
she's my mum,

but I can't wait for her
to eff off back to her own place.

Oh, she's s0 brave, your mum.

Oh, g00dness, she's not brave,
Kevin. No, she's got a little

heart thing which means
she fal* over wil* nil*.

I mean, that's not bravery,
that's just a hea*h condition.

I mean, if anyone's brave,
I'm brave.

I'm the brave one, I've let her
use my bedroom and my en-suite.

I'm having to slum it
in the fami* bathroom

with my disgusting children.

Uh-0h. Here comes Evil Elsa
and her pet snowman.

Hello!
Uh- huh.

Whatts going on here?

Hmm?
With the... With the n0...

Like, er...
Yes. Oh, no,

I, erm, I treated us last ha*-term.
Full Monty.

Kids, the toys, the pillows, Paul.

Right, cos you cantt just do it
six weeks ag0

and hope for the best, J ulia.

I hate to agree with Amanda,
but that's like saying

" I t00k the pill 0nce,
how can I possibly be pregnant?"

Wow, g00dness, these nits,
real* not my priority.

I'm, you know, I'm busy working,
caring for the children,

attending to my mother's
sick* needs.

You should all thank your
lucky stars I've treated us at all.

Oh, God,
Bill doesntt l00k his normal se*.

What do you think it is?
Do you reckon he's ill?

What's that? Wh0's il*
Bill.

Do you think Bill's il* Kev?

We should ask your J il*
see if she thinks Bill's ill.

I don't think J ill's met Bill.

Hello, mate.
All right, creeps?

And Kevin.

Oh, I see you've all been
showering in Castrol GTX.

Someone hasn't.

It's a bit Stasi round here,
isn't it?

Bill all right, Meg?

Yeah, why? We were just thinking
he l00ks a bit -

please dontt take this the wrong
way - absolutely awful.

Yeah, he's fine.

He's just got his period.

Oh, thank God.
That is some g00d news.

Oh, are you all right, Anne?

Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Anne!

It's just the thought of Bill.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm just... Oh.
I'm crying all the time now.

I cried at You've Been Framed
when a man fell over at a wedding.

I don't know what's wrong with me.
Sounds like the baby blues.

You need a bit of me time.

Wel* not me time. You time.

Anne time.

Kevin, go away.
Yep.

Daddy's here.

Let me get you a biscuit
or something.

Let me get you some biscuit and a...
Cake. A cake.

Yeah.
Cake and a couple of biscuits.

All right, Lee?
Nitty Nora time again.

Oh, what? You'll have to treat
any 0ther p00r fuckers

you're sleeping with and all.
Uh- huh.

Don't get it on your hands,
or it'll burn through to the bone.

Bl00dy hel* l00k,
I can't take another week off!

Some people do have work, you know!

Yeah, wel* I'm sure the
Leg0 factory will understand.

Oi, Charlie said you had
some sort of interview.

Oh, go on, say what you have to say.
No, no, no. Good for you,

I hear the job market's crying
out for arsey greasy Northerners.

Fuck 0ff, Lee.
What was the job, anyway? Chip shop?

Go0dbye, prick.
Brylcreem factory? Lard farm?

Here, listen, tell me if you get it
so I can adjust my child support.

What, you mean start paying it?

Er, I've b00ked J ill and I lunch
at that pop- up raclette place.

It's like fondue,
but you can dip meat int0 it.

Or eggs.

Nothing says romance like hot cheese
dribbled on an egg.

J ill still blue- balling you, then,
mate?

J ulia!
No, gosh,

if it's any consolation,
Paul and I have been celibate

since Mother moved in. It turns out
listening to a pensioner cough

through a stud wall
is a total turn-off.

Wel* I think a relationship
can survive without intercourse.

I ntimacy takes many forms.

A kind word,
the brush of a fingertip,

listening to Radi0 4 together
while I scrub the hob.

My relationship with Sam
the shepherd

is entirely based on intercourse.

If you t00k out the intercourse,
it's just alcoh0l and a caravan.

Ivy's mum.
Oh, shit.

A word.

Ivy's combed positive for nits,

s0 I'm going to need you
to keep her 0ff sch00l.

Non possible, I have to take
Mother to the hospital tomorrow.

Same for Rosie and Charlie
and all of topaz table.

Hold on, you can't do this.

Sorry, what is this about Manus
being 0ff sch00l?

I n line with sch00l nit policy,
your children will need to be

kept 0ff until they've had
a full course of hair treatment.

I did mine last night!
Smell my scalp.

My whole house
stinks like a petrol pump.

Yes, wel* you're all going to have
to treat your children again.

Thanks a lot, J ulia.
Whoa, whoa!

I was not necessari*
the super spreader.

Patient zer0 could be your kid,
Anne's kid.

No, n0, n0. It can't be Darius.

We actually use nit shamp00
as everyday shamp00 now

as a preventative measure.
I ...

And as a body wash.

And as a laundry liquid.
And I know itts not Manus,

cos I actually wash
my childrents hair, J ulia.

Actual*, Amanda, it's a well- known
fact that nits thrive in clean hair.

Yeah, well, itts well- known fact

thatts actually a well- known myth,
J ulia. Yeah, well...

Yeah.

Hey, guys! Can anyone take Ivy
tomorrow?

It's 0n* nits.

Kev!

Don't. That's a dead giveaway, mate.

Why?!

Let's go.

So you know I tm not one to pry, but
I was out last night doing my 5k,

when I saw Bill crying
as he was putting the bins out.

MUFFLED: Did you check he was OK?

Youtre spraying, Anne.

So I think there might be
some kind of trouble in paradise.

Hm. I mean, it figures,
hets s0 much 0lder than her.

Meg has some strong sexual energy.

Hm. put it this way,
I wouldntt blame her for eating out

if what shets got
is s0 close to its sell- by date.

Really putting a dent in those
digestives, Anne.

Hm.
Are you eating your feelings?

Anne, if youtre depressed,
there is n0 shame in it.

No, I'm not depressed. Itts actually
almost c00l to be mental now.

Show me a celeb that isntt on
some kind of selective serot0nin

reuptake inhibitors!
No, I'm not depressed.

I'm actually pregnant.

What?
Mm.

Anne, are you kidding?
Mm- mm.

Youtre pregnant?
Mm- hm.

But youtve just had one.
Mm- hm.

Oh, my God.

Who does that?
Mm.

But, l00k, please don't tell a soul.
No.

Because I haven't even told Mammy
yet, s0... No, n0, n0, n0, n0.

You know me, last word in discresh.

Who would I even tell?

No, Gina,
that's not a problem.

Erm, I'm sure I can get it to you.

Can we go to the park now?
Erm, yep.

Er, I'll do that now and, and send
it over, er, in a PDF at lunch, OK?

Oh, n0, but you're supposed to be
helping me pack.

OK, thank you, Gina. Bye.

I need a lie-down.

How can a quick trip
to the hospital tire me out?

Should've asked your consu*ant
about my head lice.

She was a neurol0gist, J ulia.

Wel* it's all heads, isn't it?
Same, same.

Could you watch Ivy for me?

No, n0.

OK, park it is then, love.

Manus!

Gina, hi.

You didn't get it? Gosh, that's
weird, I absolute* did send it.

Erm, just, erm,
give me your email again.

I'm just, erm, typing it in now.

OK. That's going to be with you
by the end of play time today.

Yes, OK.

All right, Gina, bye now.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, s0 we're unclean.

She's disgusting. Deal with it!

Like an angry purple sleeping bag.

Yeah, wel* honest*, Liz,
it's ridiculous.

I'm a stay-at- home dad,

I'm used to being treated like
a turd in the swimming p00l.

I mean, come on. Grow up!

Charlie and Max've been uninvited
from Manus' trampoline party.

My girls t00.
Oh, soz about that, guys.

Your kids have been uninvited t00.

Eh? What? No.

G... No, I real* need that
Saturday.

I'm moving Mum out of my house!

Amanda!

Distance, please.

Hey, team topaz table.

So we're all in it together.

I tm only in it
because you put me in it, thank you.

You're welcome.
So, let's talk Manus' party.

Cancelled. I couldntt live with
myse* if I brought this infestation

to Trampoline Land.

Most of the class pulled out
when they heard about the nits.

J ulia, youtve set off a chain
of catastrophic events,

the repercussions of which
will ech0 down for years to come.

Eh?! Like what?
Well, like, when someone asks Manus,

ttWhat did you do for your 11th
birthday?tt, he will

have to say, tt Nothing,tt because
somebodyts mummy dropped the ball.

And what human remembers what
they did for their "th birthday?

What did you do
on your 11th birthday?

I was working down the mine,
like every 0ther year.

I went go- karting in a tractor.

Think of the kids, the kiddies,
their sad faces.

You shouldtve thought about them,
J ulia, before you allowed

this tragedy to unfurl.
Anne, come on, letts go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa. Yes. Whoa.

Whoa, whoa.
Back up with your nits.

Yes. Let's not let 0ur emotions
get in the way of practicalities,

because, real*,
we should all be sticking together.

I know, I can b00k, erm,

I can b00k a nit blitz party.

Yeah? Today, tom0rrow?

Nah.
Tomorrow.

You can get all the infected
children and infected, erm, parents.

We'll hire the, er, P0- Lice lady
and we'll just, you know,

smash the shit out of these nits.

Be lots of g00d fun.
At yours, Kevin?

J ill'd go nuts.

Don't even think about it.

C00* yeah, I'm c00l to host,
so that's good.

Are you in?
I tll think about it, J ulia.

All-you-can-eat crisps, Anne?

That does sound like fun, actually.

Yeah, s0 it's your basic
one-way system,

we come through the hall int0 the
kitchen for your de-lousing,

and then we move on through
into the sitting room

for your drink and nibble reward.

It's like Ryanair,
but with b00ze and snacks,

and somewhere to sit.

Yeah, one or tw0 hours tops,
and then we're back on track,

back to sch00* Manus party on.

So, tell me, Laura, how does one
get int0 the nit business?

Well, I used to work in an
STD clinic, actually.

Oh, right, s0 you started with crabs
and worked your way up?

Right, teas and coffees.
Let's get on.

Teabags. Teabags, t...

Mother, where are the teabags?

Wel* in my house, I keep them
in the cupboard above the kettle,

where they should be.

OK, so, shall we do you first,
my love?

Get you out of the way?

Oh, yeah. Get me out of the way.

Can I just check, are you allergic
to kerosene, my love?

No.

And even if I was,
I couldn't care less.

Kev, is it J ill?

Can you just keep your head still,
my love? Oh, sorry.

Yeah, I popped up the loft to
suggest we share a sensual bath

and nit shamp00, and she said she
didn't want a bath or nit shamp00,

she wanted a divorce.

What? Shit.

Oh, Kevin! Why?

You name it.
My night breathing, mainly.

And the way I chew
and the way I laugh

and the way I dry my legs
after I've had a bath.

It turns out J ill just doesn't
like me, full stop.

She's a dick.

Kevin, you are one of the best guys
I know.

"Till death do us part" my arsehole.

Divorce, seriously!
I don't want to be a divorcee.

J ill was s0 cold about it.

Listen, Kev...

Oh, I tell Paul I want a divorce
every birthday and Christmas.

He just tel* me
to shut my cake hole.

So what you're saying is
I should go back there

and fight for her?

Erm...yes, OK, yeah.

Yes, yes.

Yes, I'm going to do that,
I'm going to do that.

I'm going to go back up that loft
and tell her how much I love her.

Maybe wipe that liquid shit
0ff your head first.

Itts got to stay on
an hour and a ha*.

I'll be back by five
to get the girls.

Ooh, er, I wouldntt wear that.

That stuff eats through polystyrene.

Thanks, love. Next mum, please.

Coming through. Hey, mate,
who put the fun in infestation?

I'll have that. Aw, you l00k like
a shiny little conker. Brilliant.

Oh, excuse me, you are not
adhering to the one way system.

Back, go back, back, back,
back, back.

Go0dness. I didn't hear anything
about that stupid shoe shop job.

That doesn't mean you
haven't got it, love.

It was probably the hair.
It did l00k a bit Trainspotting.

Hey, mate, if they can't handle you
at your worst,

then they don't deserve you
at your best.

Not sure that rule applies
to job interviews.

DOORBELL Rl NGS
Oh!

Mother.

Coming!

Anne, Amanda, hi!

Let me just, er, sorry, one sec.

Right, OK, let's get you in.

Guys, wetre not here to party,
wetre here to get treated

and get the hell out, OK? Wham, bam,
thank you the lady from that van.

Anne, would you like a drink,
my love*?

Oh, n0, thank you, n0.

Annets pregnant.

Eh?
Dontt tell a soul.

Oh, look who it is.

Wow! That's committed.

Hey, Meg.

Bill. Hey. Wow, look at you.

Loving the grade one, oh, so cool.

I would totally shave my head,
but loads of people love my hair,

so, you know,
wouldntt want to do that to them.

Bill, how are you?
Hm.

Haventt seen you for ages.

Amanda, re Manus' party, shall we
focus in on Saturday? Er...

Can I just get some more towels,
my love?

Er, just in a minute,

I'm just in the middle
of something right now.

Oh, look who it is. Marion!
So brave.

So brave, Marion.
So brave. So, s0 brave.

Not brave, not brave.

No, the real her0's J ulia, you know,
taking me in

and nursing me back to health.

But I'm moving back home
this weekend.

Ah. Yeah, Saturday.
The removal van is booked.

So...

Assuming we're al* erm,
clean and clear on the old, erm,

Manus party on?

Well, I guess if wetre ALL
getting treated then...

...yeah, it can go ahead.

Thattll be nice.
Oh, great, thatts g00d news.

Yes. Phew!

Yeah. Towe*.

PHONE Rl NGS

Hello?

Yes, this is Mrs Paterson's
daughter.

Hello, doctor!

Yes, erm, she's, er, absolute*,
erm, raring to go,

all packed up ready to go home
at the weekend,

s0 that's fabby dabby d00.

Sorry, what? What?

Sorry, when you say...

When you say she can't live
independent*,

do you mean we need to find a
husband or get her a pet or, erm...?

I mean, I could definite* pop in
twice a week to make checks

or we can install a panic button,
so that's...

Whoa!

Shall we just, erm, shall
we just mull over for a moment?

We don't want to make
any hasty decisions.

OK, s0 that's, erm,
that's conclusive, is it?

Yes, OK. Thank you, doctor.

Yes, bye now.

SHE SCREAMS

SHE SCREAMS

Bill!

Sorry, Bil* I didn't...
I didn't know you were in here.

I just found out that I'm stuck
with my mother and she's going to

have my bedr00m
and my en-suite forever.

SHE WAl LS

Hi, Bill.

Kev.

You've got a Bailey's moustache.

Wel* at least I hope it's Bailey's.

Can you think of the worst thing
that could happen,

and then double it?

I can actually, Kevin. I, erm,

God, I have had...
I've done something s0 bad.

What?
You don't want to know.

I'm s0 effed up.

Oh, J ill. J ill.

Don't touch me! I'm a pig.

I know it was 0nly a part-time job,
but I really wanted it.

Maybe it's going out to see Sam
on the farm.

Just made me realise there's more
to life, you know, than nits

and phonics and worrying how much
Netflix my kids watch.

Is it 0fficial that you haven't
gotten it, babe?

Maybe n0 news is just n0 news.
Nah, mate. No news is ghosting.

I didn't get the job.

Have you ever thought about Greggs,
Liz?

Anne worked there. How long did you
work at Greggs, Anne?

Oh, erm, n0, I never worked
at Greggs, n0.

I was Head of Product Development
at GlaxoSmithKline worldwide.

Oh. Why do I always think
you worked at Greggs?

Are you sure?
Erm...

I cantt picture you working in
an 0ffice, Anne.

I see you handling cakes and puffs.

Not that I tve been in a Greggs
before. Really not Greggs?

Yeah, I've been there 0nce or twice,
but, erm, more as a customer, yeah.

LAURA: OK, my dear.
Oh, that's me, I'm up. Excuse me.

So weird.

Hey, girl. How you doing?

I'm fine, thanks.

Yeah, I tm doing well, you know,
stronger, fitter, humbler.

I mean, itts been a tough olt year
for me,

with the D-O-V- I - R-C- E, but I have
grown a lot,

and, word from the wise,

you think you are not going to get
through this, but you totally are.

Erm, sorry,
what are we talking about here?

You and Bill.
Oh, right, yeah.

Poor old Kevints going through it
as well. The nit lady told me.

I dontt know, I guess itts the
life stage wetre all at.

Also, Annets pregnant.