Original subtitles

Don't be closed.

Please don't be closed.

Oh, God! Thank you, Jesus!

You're not closed!

Okay, great, great. Quick, quick. Which shoes?

Wow, God, it's like you've been, um, looted,

it's totally barren in here.

Right, where, where are the, um, black school shoes? Black shoes?

Anyone, help me. No. Okay, um, you, okay, hello,

where are the, um, back to school shoes?

The, the black, black school shoes?

They, oh! [sighs]

Do you have this in a, um, three and a half?

That's a baby shoe.

Right. Do you have any black shoes in a three and a half?

[jazz music playing]

[Julia] Come on, Ivy.

I did tell you to break them in round the house.

[Kevin] What did you do for your holidays, Liz?

Lee took the kids for two weeks

so I spent it with the Bransons on Necker Island.

Sunbathing topless and sucking off billionaires.

-Really? -I had to work the whole time.

The kids went into seven different sports clubs,

which they absolutely hated.

But on a positive, they're now county level at badminton.

Aw, I enjoyed every minute of the hols.

I took the kids camping in Dorset. Magical.

Great toilet blocks and sinks with taps.

So more glamping, really.

Jill joined us on the Saturday for lunch.

[woman laughs] I was just thinking that.

Who is that?

[Amanda] Oh, that's Meg. Jade's mum.

She's actually got two other kids of her own

and two stepchildren but they're very close.

She's a real high-flier.

I believe she gave a talk at Davos last year.

Who's her favorite Spice Girl?

[Amanda] She's friends with my friend, Sally.

D'you know Sally Lawson?

She dated Marco Pierre White for a while.

-Oh, how is Sally? -You don't know her, Kevin.

Meg just bought the house opposite you, Julia.

How d'you not know that?

We all know each other on my street.

I suppose I'm very community minded.

How does she have five kids?

You can't be a high-flier and have five kids.

I've got two children and a job I phone in and I'm...

already have incredibly low self-esteem.

Who does she think she is? Nicola Horlick?

Oh, I love Horlicks. D'you remember Horlicks?

Oh, d'you remember Bovril?

Well, Sally knows Nicola Horlick,

so I think, yeah,

Nicola could be a friend of Meg's, yeah.

No, no, she can't possibly have time for friends.

I mean, that's just spin.

That's pretty unfeminist of you.

Oh my God, I think you hate women.

Nope, I hate everybody.

-Hi, hiya. -Oh!

-Hi, Anne. -Hello, Anne!

You're looking healthy!

Oh, that's very nice of you to say.

I feel like over the holidays I kinda filled out a bit, so.

Yeah, that's what I meant. No, you look great.

It's our Sophie's choice, isn't it, when we get older.

Face or arse. I dread to think which I'll have to choose.

You're pressing against me a bit there, Anne.

Sorry, sorry.

Sorry to hear about Johnny, Amanda.

You, you were such a dynamic, attractive couple.

It-- if-- if there's anything we can do to help.

He's not dead, Kevin.

It's absolutely amicable.

We have so much love and respect for each other,

you know, we just realized we needed space to grow. Apart.

That's a crock of shit. But anyway, welcome to the club.

The good news is now you're a single mum

you get 10% off at Dorothy Perkins.

Well, I'm not a single mum, Liz.

I'm a co-parent, there's a big difference.

You wait til he gets on Tinder,

see how much of a co-parent he is then.

I'm not gonna rise to it, Liz.

Come on, kids. Come on, sweetheart.

-[Liz] Bye! See you later. -Bye. Be good, sweetheart.

Who's coming for a coffee and a bitch about Amanda?

Oh, God, I wish I could, I've gotta go to work.

They're streamlining, it's gonna be absolutely horrible.

I mean horrific. You know, if you can think of the most

brutal film you've seen, like, um ...

-Watership Down. -Yeah, well, wish me luck.

-Right, I'm off too. -How's the new job?

Where is it again? Kid-istan?

[chuckles] No, Kidiverse.

It's a soft play center.

They say it's London's largest ball pit.

You've obviously never been to Love Muscle on a Friday night.

[chuckles] Good one. No, it's really great.

Part time so I can still drop the kids.

Very average wage so Jill doesn't feel threatened.

Free eye tests. The whole package, really.

I'm sure I can get you a discount

if you wanna bring the kids.

Thanks, but I'd rather have an episiotomy.

All right, I-- I'm out of here.

Anne? Cake?

[jazz music playing]

Where's Viv?

Julia, can I, er, grab you for a minute?

Yes.

Bad news is we are streamlining.

But the good news is we're getting rid of Viv.

So, that means you get to take her job.

It's an opportunity for promotion, Julia.

So I'd be doing two people's jobs? [chuckles]

You're looking at this the wrong way.

It's more money, and it's a step up.

And technically it's three people's jobs

because Carl's gone too.

So, have a think.

But if you do decide not to accept

then Martin is our next choice.

Martin's only been here for six months

and he's already had a written warning about his breath.

I get it, it's a big step. Course it is.

So, er, you know, take your time.

Give it a mull. Think it through.

Okay, great. Thanks, Andrew.

No worries. But you do need to let us know

by tomorrow morning.

[upbeat music playing]

-[Meg speaking Italian] -What are you doing here?

Late on breakfast club payments.

She's gonna turn me upside down

and shake the change out of my pockets.

What's her problem? Why does she have to make us

all feel so shit?

[Liz] What's yourproblem?

Hate to agree with Amanda but it's a bit unfeminist of you.

No, it's unfeminist of her.

I thought we all agreed, as feminists,

that nowadays it's unfeminist to have it all.

[Meg speaking Italian]

-Hello. -Ivy came to school today

in non-regulation shoes.

Oh, well, I'm sorry, Mrs. Lamb, if my daughter is bang on trend.

They're too big for her and they have a kitten heel.

Dress for the job you want, I always say.

Fine. Well I will add, um, late night shoe shopping

to the list of things I have to do tonight.

Next.

That is an incredible woman.

D'you take Nectar points?

Lamb?

[Meg] She's a Rottweiler in a jazzy jumper.

That's a power player. I'd have her working for me.

Right.

[Amanda] Meg! We haven't met properly yet.

I'm sure everyone's told you but I'm Amanda.

Ta-da! [chuckles]

Amanda. My stepdaughter'’s name is Amanda.

-How funny! -Well, I've got five girls

so one of them was gonna end up being called Amanda.

[laughter]

[Amanda] We've actually got a friend in common.

Sal Lawson.

-Oh, yeah, Sal. -Yeah, yeah.

-You know Sal? -Yeah, very well. Very well.

She's a dear, dear friend of mine.

I don't really like Sal.

I think she's a two-faced bitch, actually.

Yes, thank you, I totally-- no, I agree.

I hate that about her.

Right, I better run, but we are getting coffee, okay?

-Yeah, definitely. -[Amanda] Love it.

[jazz music playing]

[Julia] I mean, I'd only have to do it for a couple of years,

you know, just to get me into that pay bracket.

[Liz] Mm, take it, then.

Yeah, I'm already struggling with the workload that I've got.

Mm, don't take it, then.

Yeah, I know, but then I'm gonna be in just career no man's land.

D'you know why it's called no man's land?

Because no man is there, it's all women.

All the men have been promoted.

Mm, take it, then.

I know, but it's an extra six hours a week

and a shitload of responsibility.

Don't take it, then.

How does she do it?

Take it, then.

Hang on, no. Don't take it, then.

Which one are we on?

[Amanda] Meg! Meg. Meg, come join.

There's a seat here. Budge up, Anne.

[Meg] You're all right, Mandy, I'm gonna go sit over there

-by the toilets. -It's Amanda.

I can't have two Amandas in my life, love.

Well, I can't be Mandy, I'm obviously not a Mandy.

[Meg] What can I call you? Big Amanda?

Er, no. [chuckles]

Okay, Old Amanda.

[chuckles] Oh.

Double macchiato, yeah? Take away.

Have you got your keepy cuppy cup?

Oh yeah, it's right here in my-- course I haven't.

-Hi. -All right?

[Meg] What happens over there in pony club, then?

Oh, it's basically a self-harm table.

You go there if you wanna feel worse about yourself.

Amanda's the queen,

all the rest are like her ladies in waiting.

Except for Anne, who's basically Paul Burrell.

They all hate Anne but she knows too much now.

And you're on the table by the bogs

because you're the freaks, the outcasts, the cool kids.

-Yeah, and Kevin. -Kevin.

Like it.

Right, all of you are coming over to mine tonight.

Invite your third musketeer.

Yeah, all right.

You too, chatty chops.

Nah.

[Meg] Gotta go, the kids have got football in half an hour.

Right, 7:00 p.m., don't be late, don't bring anything,

and don't tell the Stepford Wives.

[Liz chuckles]

[Kevin] You can have half a brownie

as long as you promise to eat your dinner, okay.

Well, excuse me, Mr. Weinstein.

Oh, God, I'm so-- did I just, I'm-- I'm so, so sorry.

Double D's, innit? Hard to miss.

-Bop. -Oh.

Come on, babies.

-[Liz] We're just leaving, Kev. -[Julia] Come on, love.

Oh, okay, er, never mind. I'll, er, I'll just, er...

[Bill] Everybody out.

[car door opens and closes]

[jazz music playing]

[man over TV] ...star of a brand-new series,

starting tomorrow.

And he'll be joining us here in the studio

along with the boy scouts who climbed Kilimanjaro.

[woman over TV] But first let's go over to Tim...

[doorbell buzzes]

[woman over TV] ...who's taking a walk through

Somerset's largest arboretum.

We've found ourselves at the center of a horticultural...

-Yo. -You coming to Meg's then

-or what? -No,

-I've got too much work to do. -What work?

Head work, Liz. I need to make a decision

-about this bloody job. -Come on, spoilsport.

When do we ever get a night out together? Jill's babysitting.

I don't want to go to Meg's, okay?

What's your beef with her? She's great.

Yes, well she's not my type, Liz.

You know, she's all, "I've got a great career,

five kids and I'm a right bloody laugh."

You know, something's not right there.

Oh, come for one. It's only across the road.

You know, you could have a nose about.

She might be a hoarder or a Scientologist or something.

Fine, I'll get my crocs.

That's the spirit.

Paul, I'm going out.

Kev, Jules, Liz. I can't abbreviate your name.

Get in! Hey!

-[Liz] You all right? -[Meg] How are you?

Hey.

Liz, Liz.

[door closes]

-Liz. -[Liz] What?

Did you see what happened?

What, no, what happened?

We kissed on the lips!

Why'd you kiss her on the lips?

Well, I didn't mean to! She-- she just came at me.

I wasn't expecting it.

It-- it was a timing thing.

We-- we were out of sync with our head moves.

Oh my God.

What am I gonna do?

-Call your wife. -Call my wife!

I'm joking, Kevin!

Should I-- Should I apologize?

It's a, it's a tricky time, you know, culturally.

Post hashtag. First the boob and then this.

I don't want her to think I'm some kind of sexual predator.

Oh, well, just kiss someone else on the lips then.

Like that's your thing, like a Spanish man.

Next person you greet, male or female,

kiss 'em on the lips.

-Oh, hello. -Hi.

Not her!

[Meg] Drinks. Wine.

Mm! That is a good one.

Alexa, order twelve bottles of Sauvignon Blanc.

-White wine, ladies? -Thanks.

-Kev, white or red? -Er, red, please.

Oh, bloody hell, Lydia. Put some clothes on,

nobody wants to see that.

Oh, no, it's fine. No-- not-- not fine.

But I, I'm-- I'm totally cool. Yeah, it's fine.

Are you gonna just sulk all evening, then?

All right! This old git is my husband, Bill.

Bill, these are the three pricks I was telling you about.

[chuckles]

-[Kevin] Hi Bill. -[Bill] I'm a hugger

not a kisser, I'm afraid, big man.

Don't mind me.

Um, Jade just wants me to read

The Lightning Thief to her again.

Oh my God, I loved that book when I was a kid.

-Me too. -[Bill] When I come back down

I am gonna mix everyone a wicked little number

called Ireland's Tears.

Bloody delicious and lethal.

Lydia, put some trousers on.

[Meg] Oh, bloody hell, Lyds, did you just fart on me?

Alexa, who just farted on me?

[laughs]

[Bill] The creatures fell to the ground with a thud.

And Zeus and...

[Bill reading indistinctly]

[toilet flushes]

Are you going through my drawers?

No, I have a-- just have a bit of a headache.

I thought, I was just looking for a ...

yeah, I was going through your drawers.

Seriously, I do the same.

Canesten's mine, Anusol's Bill's.

You don't like me, do you?

I don't meet many people that don't like me

-so I can spot it a mile off. -No, I don't...

I think 'not like' is quite strong,

er, I just find you quite, really annoying.

[both chuckle]

You know, it's just, you have this massive job

and more children than a frog

and you just never seem to be fretting about it.

In fact, you actively seem quite happy

and why, why is that?

I just do what I need to do when I need to do it.

You can't overthink this shit.

Yeah, you see, that's why I find you challenging.

It's a work thing, innit?

Something about me touches a nerve.

What is it? Your boss is a prick?

You don't feel like you're being listened to?

-They moving you to Leeds? -No, it's not, it's not that.

But, um, it's cool, really, I'm, I ...

No, no, no, lay it on me. I'm all ears.

Seriously, this is what I do.

I'm a trouble shooter.

-It's right up my strasse. -Of course it is.

Okay, fine, riddle me this, wise woman of the woods.

-I've been offered a promotion. -Great,

more money, more authority.

Not as simple as that, actually.

Okay, feed me the info.

Um, well, um, you know, it-- it-- it's really great,

um, career wise and, um,

I survived a cull which is very flattering.

But it's just, it's a lot more responsibility

and hours, obviously.

And I've only just been able to do my job

and, sort of, provide entry level mothering,

so, um, just-- I just don't think I can do it.

Okay, bollocks to that.

You can't turn it down.

Cos if you do,

you'll get passed over for promotion.

And some bloke who's been there five years less than you

will probably get it. Probably named Marcus.

Yeah, I mean, he's called Martin, but yeah.

I always ask myself, what would a bloke do?

Would he even think about not taking it?

-No, he fucking wouldn't. -I know.

Yeah, I know. I know.

I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.

You gotta take it, babes. Lean in, love, lean in.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think I...

I might. [chuckles]

Right!

Alexa, order me an Uber.

-We're going out. -Oh, oh, no...

I-- I-- I-- I-- I. Why-ay-ay-ay, I can't go out,

I mean, I'm, I'm not even wearing a bra.

[Meg] So what? Your tits are like quail's eggs,

just fold your arms and put a jacket on.

Oh, well, well, I should go and get my purse

-and let my husband... -No, you'll never

come back out again, I know your type. Here.

Liz, Kevin. Get your coats on, chop, chop.

Liz, don't you have to get back for the children, tonight?

-No, Lee's got 'em. -See, no excuses.

Love it! Very Annie Hall.

[shouting in French]

[speaking in French]

[speaking French]

All right, let's go. Woo!

[jazz music playing]

I did some work for Uber when they launched over here.

They paid me in Ubers! [laughs]

-[cell phone vibrates] -Oh, bollocks!

I've got a 10:30 work call with Mexico tonight.

[Kevin] What, what on earth do you say to Mexico at 10:30?

Basically they just wanna know that you're there.

You breathe down the phone at them,

ask them to stick it all in an email.

Lemon squeezy. [laughs]

You want some Stoli?

I did some consultancy work for the Latvian government.

They paid me in Stolis, yeah!

I-- I once did a temp job for a garden center.

They basically let us take home any plant

that was definitely gonna die.

I operate on gut feelings and I knew in my gut

that you were my people, all of ya.

You're all good friends and that's vital.

It's vital you find your tribe.

The last place I lived, we all had each other's backs.

All the mums. We were like a battalion,

a pack.

We were all there for each other.

No mum left behind.

Say it.

-No mum left behind. -Julia.

No mum left behind.

Lovely. Liz.

-No. -Mum left behind!

That's right, Liz. Cheers sneers!

[Kevin] She's like a Ted Talk!

[exhales] Right, shots!

She's right though, maybe I cando this.

You know, I just need to get organized.

Did you see her calendar?

She's got, um, everything just meticulously planned out.

I've got a calendar, so.

Oh shit! Missed my mum's birthday.

I'd like to propose a toast to Julia's promotion.

Oh, no, no, I'm-- I-- I'm not sure if I'm gonna ...

Fuck it!

To me!

[grunts]

Right, I'm going back for the rest.

The rest?

-Right, I'm out of here. -What, why?

-School night, innit? -Yeah, it's only 8:00.

We'll just have a little dance and we'll be home by 10:00, Liz.

That's not how tonight's gonna play out.

That one has a fridge full of Yops and Red Bulls.

That's a classic 90s comedown concoction.

She's got a 10:30 with Mexico, Liz.

No, I'm off.

Got the flat to myself.

My tequila should kick in right about the time

I'm in the bath having a wank.

Okay.

Bye, Liz.

Bye.

-Damn it. -"Damn it"? What about me?

That's gonna give me PTSD.

[groans]

[Meg] The music here is shit, let's go someplace else.

[upbeat music playing]

[man] Yeah.

How does she do what she does and still be such a goer?

Red Bull and Yop?

Kevin, d'you know what, it might be the tequila talking

but I'm gonna ask her to be my mentor.

Whoo!

[grunts]

I think I'm gonna go do a sick.

[upbeat music playing]

[Kevin] Oh, God.

Sorry, sorry, it was already out.

-[vomits] -[cell phone ringing]

-Kenny, what's the time? -Er, oh, um, nearly 10:30.

What are you doing, Kevin?

-[cell phone rings] -[sighs]

[speaking in Spanish]

[speaking in Spanish]

[speaking in Spanish]

Jill is the only other person on this planet

who's seen my willy.

What about your mum?

How dare you!

What if she tells Bill?

Or Jill?!

No, I-- I'm gonna go and talk to her.

Just-- just make sure there's no weirdness.

Hi, hi, Meg.

Listen, I just need to clear something up ...

-Uh-huh? -[Kevin] Um, I-- I just want you

to know that I had no intention of...

[Meg moans]

[Julia] Okay, loose lips, it's time to go home.

No!

[glass shatters]

What have I done?

I think she's in love with me.

Yeah, no, I think you're off the hook, Kev.

[upbeat music playing]

Oh wow.

Okay.

Right, she's completely nuts.

I think we should just leave her.

We can't! No mum left behind!

[mutters]

Fine, you get her, I'll call a cab, yeah?

Where is she?

Oh, hey, hey!

Er, have you seen our friend,

the, the lady that we came in with?

She's over there.

[indistinct radio chatter]

Oh dear.

-Right, name? -J.R. Hartley.

-Postcode? -NE14 ABJ.

-[laughs] -Yeah, no, sorry,

I'm so sorry, officer, she-- she's with us.

Look, this woman just needs to go home.

A-a-absolutely.

She was urinating in the street.

Jesus, many apologies. She-- she doesn't get out much.

Oh, well, that's funny.

Cos we booked her here on Saturday.

Ooh, I think that's our Uber. Er, DYC-- DYC!

Hi, hi, hi. Are you here for Julia?

-[woman] Yeah. -Yes. Kevin, quick, get her in.

Can we go to Winbourne Street via Arman Road?

[woman] Sure.

[Julia] Oh my God, Kevin, go and get her!

Kevin, go and get her!

[Kevin] Get down here, right now!

-♪ Oh, Bodyform♪ -[Kevin] Please!

Get down!

Right, I-- I'm gonna count to three.

-One, two. -[Meg] ♪ Oh♪

-Two and a half. -[Meg] ♪ Oh♪

Three. Right, right, that-- that's it.

-I'm counting to five. -[Meg] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

-One, two. -Oi!

[Julia] Kevin, can't we just leave her?

I-- I really hate this and I want to go.

Julia, no mum left behind!

I don't care, Kevin, I want to go home.

But what if she gets killed or something?

-I don't want blood on my hands. -[Meg] Open up!

-Oh for fuck's sake! -[banging sound]

-Call Liz. -[Meg] Please.

[sighs]

-[Meg] Beep. -[man] Oi. Oi, oi, oi.

Cheer up, love, might never happen.

[laughing]

[man] I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen,

but until the woman who just flashed me gets off,

-this bus ain't going anywhere. -[passengers groan]

[Meg] Julia, Kev! There's a party on the bus now!

[Liz] Wait here for a minute, yeah?

-All right, where is she? -[Meg] I'm the king

of the world!

Oggie, oggie, oggie. Oi!

Oggie, oggie, oggie. Oi!

Oi! Who's coming up to join me?

Oi, Meg. I've got some tequila.

[footsteps approaching]

-Ooh. -[woman gasps]

Tequila!

Ah, get me booze!

[Julia] Shh!

[Kevin] Right, Meg, you're home now.

[Meg] I want booze!

[Julia] Shh, Meg!

Shut her in here, Kev, so she doesn't wake the kids.

I want booze. I want booze.

Ah, ooh, wait a minute.

I want champagne!

Alexa, play my New Year's playlist!

[orchestra music playing]

[vocalizing]

[Kevin] Shit, shit, how d'you turn--

where's the, where's the thing?

-[vocalizes] -Alexa, turn the music off.

[music stops]

-Right, I'm sorting this. -I need to take my coat off.

[Meg] Alexa, play some happy hardcore!

[upbeat music playing]

Alexa, don't.

[cheering]

Alexa, the-- the children are in bed!

[upbeat music playing]

[music continues]

[Julia] She's a loon, she is a monster.

-She is a monster. -I told you.

What are you making there?

[Liz] George's Marvelous Medicine.

Berocca with a splash of various knockout juices.

What, you're going to drug her?

-Yeah. -Okay, cool.

Wait, who's watching Meg?

It's really stuffy in here, Kev.

Please, Kev, go on, Kev. Just a little finger.

Kev, just a little finger of air.

Okay, okay, just-- just a smidgeon.

Fuck you!

-Stop her, Kev! -I've gotta be up in two hours!

-[Julia] Kevin! -[Meg groans]

[Liz] Block the front door!

Come on, Meg.

[sighs]

[Meg whooping]

-Night, then, I'm off home. -Okay.

[Meg] Taxi!

-[Julia] See you. -[Liz] Bye.

-[girl] Bye. -Oh my God.

Look what the cat dragged to school.

What happened to you lot last night?

-Don't want to talk about it. -Out with Meg.

That is not gonna be a pretty sight.

-It lives. -Top of the morning.

-What? -What a great night, last night,

eh? We gotta do it again some time.

-Thursday? -No, thank you.

No, thank you.

[stutters] I'm really tired. You must be hanging in rags.

No, I feel fine. Right.

-See you later, go, scoot. -[Julia] Wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, sorry. Can I just ask you how you--

sorry, what is all this?

You, um, you were mental last night.

You tried to hijack a bus, you got off with Kevin.

[laughs] Yeah, it was a fun night, all right.

I mean, we-- we had to look after you, though.

Cheers. No mum left behind.

-I'd do the same for you. -[Julia] But you-- but--

but you almost got arrested.

I don't understand how you even-- sorry.

How you do what you do and then do that.

I mean, you were pissing in the street.

[chuckles] Look, it's how I let off steam.

I love my kids, I love my job,

I love my life...

but in order to survive,

I gotta blow it up every now and again.

It's like when a snake eats a rat, Julia.

It's not pleasant, it's not nice

but we have to do it, for survival.

See you at pick up.

At least have a hangover, glimmer of remorse?

Where's your secret sadness?

[jazz music playing]

So, what's the verdict, Julia?

[Julia] Yeah, it's definitely doable.

I mean, er, I-- I--

I'd have to reorganize things quite a lot.

I'd definitely have to, um, re-color code my calendar and...

That's great, well, we shall let Felicity know.

And I'd have to have a bit of a rethink

about my whole character. I think-- I think--

I'd have to become much more, sort of, work hard, play hard.

Whereas at the moment I'm very much, sort of, work hard,

watch Poldark hard.

Sorry, Julia, is that a yes?

I saw a woman fall off a bus

and then try to order cocaine from Deliveroo,

probably cause she once said yes to an offer like this, so...

I actually think I'm just gonna stick with what I've got.

You can't just stick with what you've got Julia.

That's not what's on the table.

You, you better tell old Martin to dust off the Listerine.

[Andrew] Are you sure this is what you want?

I've never been more sure of anything in my life, actually.

[exhales]

[jazz music playing]

Good luck, Martin.

[button beeps]

[retching]

[jazz music playing]