Original subtitles

little, nibbly things for lunch.

Just a sort of... like, erm...like a meze thing.

Just some teeny, weeny Peppadew peppers - your favourite.

OK, bye. Bye-bye. Bye.

Oh, it's Julia...

SHE GIGGLES

..erm, Johnson.

Come on.

CAR DOOR SHUTS

Just leaving a voicemail for Garry.

We have, you know, we have lunch together every day, so...

Ooh, Liz, that's very reductive.

Garry's way, way more than that.

He's, erm...

He's a plasterer, a tiler, a plumber, he's...

Garry's just one of those guys, you know?

Like, he can do everything.

I mean, I'd trust him with my life, I'd trust him with my kids' lives.

Oh, I feel like that

about Clare Balding. Hey, Anne.

Hi, hello. Oh, look, there's Kevin.

About Saturday. Oh, erm, no.

Well... Yeah? Yeah. OK. Go on.

Hi! So, don't forget the PTA fundraiser on Saturday.

because it's Garry's last day so we might want to kick back and relax.

Hmm, yeah, open a Chablis, you know, run through some snags.

I, for one, would be pleased to make a night of it.

Celebrate my cancer - alles ist klar!

Ah! And, erm, it's also a certain person's birthday that night.

Oh, no, not a disco.

Who wants to watch a load of cringey mums grinding on the dance floor?

Me. I want to watch Amanda twerk the caretaker

wearing a Whistles body-con.

Yes, Amanda does have a spontaneous dance routine ready

The whole thing is her idea.

But she wants it to look like it wasn't.

Oh, wait.

Was I supposed to say that?

So, Anne, you're in charge

of puddings, cocktails,

sorting the sound system.

Who is doing finger sandwiches, crudites, mini quiches?

BABY GURGLES

Thanks, Anne.

That's so generous.

What with it also being a certain special day that day.

GROANING: Anne.

I absolutely do not want any fuss, OK?

Saturday is not about little old me,

it's all about classroom air filters. OK, guys?

No, sure.

Don't expect us to have done anything for you or anything.

Good.

Not even a nice bit of cake or...

Maybe a croquembouche, I...

SHE CHUCKLES

I was thinking of like a large sponge from M&S.

That's a bit like not bothering at all, isn't it?

OK, I'm going to get something else.

Hi, Amanda. Don't talk to me.

Oh, right. OK. Cos someone might see.

S-see what? Oh, OK. But I was just coming to order, so...

UNDER BREATH: Oh, God.

Right, Amanda, it's going to be hard.

Our lives are pretty intertwined.

WHISPERS: Our lives are not intertwined!

We're not Richard and Judy.

No, I mean, like at...at school, here, every day, the fundraiser.

Stop talking to me.

Would you rather I didn't come to it?

Whatever, Kevin. But I don't want to distract you...

Distract's the wrong word - bother you...

UNDER BREATH: Fuck off!

Yeah, just a little chocolate, thank you.

Well, that's it, then.

Yeah, once I get this done, I'll be out of your hair.

The final, erm...

What's that called again?

The finial?

The final finial.

and a basement to tank.

I don't mind saying this - I'm going to struggle without you.

It's all right. You won't have any more problems with the flush.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, my God!

I... We thought we were never going to get that working!

Do you remember that? Yeah.

You're probably, erm, totally, totally busy,

but there's this thing on at school...

No, sorry.

Yeah. No. Totally crossing the line, yeah.

I am chock-a-block at the minute.

And, I tell you - honestly, with schools,

once you take one job, that's it, they'll treat you like a caretaker.

I've had that. Yeah. Oh!

Can I get your email address?

QUIETLY: Yeah.

Yeah, you...you can have my personal one.

It's JuliaJohnson@...

Or you could just write it.

TOOLS CLANG

Right, all done. It's in there.

OK. Bye.

Bye, Marilyn. Bye, Garry! Thanks for everything.

SHE EXHALES

PHONE RINGS

Hey, J! Amanda, hi.

Listen, I need to tell you something. Can you do coffee later?

Oh, sweet, babe! Listen, I'm super-busy right now cos...

OK, but I don't want you finding out on Instagram.

I didn't realise that Tamara was going to post it

all over social media and obviously

I would've rather told you in person,

but, erm, Tamara and I have got engaged.

We haven't set a date yet and, erm,

I'm going to tell the kids this weekend.

I thought you deserved to hear it from me.

Amanda, are you still there?

Testing, testing. One, two, one, two, buckle my shoe.

Three, four, shut the door.

Five, six... Five, six... Five...

Hello, Anne.

Is this the bar? Cos it just looks like tables.

Yes, well, I haven't put out any plastic cups yet.

Yeah, you know what? Forget it.

Let's just forget the whole thing.

Forget what?

Just forget my whole stupid birthday.

R-really? Or just, erm, pretend-really?

Ugh, just... Could someone get my fucking spin bike

out of my fucking car, please?

Just...

KNOCK AT DOOR

KNOCKING

Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Nice glove. What are you doing, waiting for your falcon?

It's Garry's. What do you want?

We came early. Liz said you were making some pre-fundraiser drinks.

What? Liz!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You can't bring that in here. Goodness me, my mother's at home!

I don't want her to go blind as well as senile.

MOTHER: I can hear you! Evening, Marion.

Hey. Notice anything different?

You've had a wash.

No, my finial!

Garry restored it.

Can't quite believe he's gone yet.

Don't really think it's... Where's the booze?

Got any juice?

Goodness me! What are you, 12?

Do you want a Cheestring as an accompaniment?

I'm cycling. I can't drink and ride.

But when I get to Haywards Heath, lock up your bottles.

Kevin's on one. Jill and I have finally got a schedule

she can't legally get out of. She's got the girls,

which means the weekend's mine to do with as I please.

I can have a lie-in, change the bed, do a shop, get the car washed.

Cheers to that. Mm! Oh!

Fancy a banana, Kevin? Oh, sorry.

It's for the potassium.

I'm hoping to win the cup for the fastest leg - again.

God, I love cycling.

I can't cycle.

My labia are too thin.

It's a thing, look it up.

I have the opposite problem, mine are too chubby.

It's a hell of a hoof in a leotard.

Hm. Right, come on - drink up. I've got to meet Sam at nine.

I'm going to load up on Anne's soggy sausage rolls

before I do a runner.

So when are we going to get to meet this legendary shepherd?

Go on, invite him along. No, no.

Never mix business with pleasure.

And by business, I mean school fundraisers,

FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS

COINS CLATTER Thanks. Sorry about the state of me,

I've not been home yet. I'll pop back in a bit and get changed.

Hiya. Yo.

Oh, I think he's doing, erm, an adrenaline shit.

Hi, guys! It's, erm, £3.50.

Sorry about the state of me, I've not been back home yet.

I'll pop back in a bit and get changed.

I'll get hers, yeah? OK.

Oh.

Oh, hi!

Are you going in or not?

We can't arrive together.

I think it's fine, Amanda.

Well, go in, then.

Hi Kevin. It's £3.50. Yeah.

Sorry about the state of me, I've not been back home yet.

I'll, er, cock pack - uh, pop back soon and get changed.

Thanks, Anne.

Thank you.

Bit of hush, please, everyone.

She's here - the hero of the hour.

APPLAUSE

# For she's a jolly good fellow... #

ALL: # For she's a jolly good fellow

# For she's a jolly good fellow And so say all of us. #

Three cheers for Meg for smashing cancer.

Hip, hip...

Hooray!

Hip, hip...

Hooray!

Hip, hip...

Hooray!

WOMAN SCREAMS

Oh, calm down, it's just a starter pistol.

Jesus. OK, here we go.

ALL: Three, two, one...

I'm up next. Are you going to cheer me on?

Do you want a nut?

What's the matter with YOU?

Oh, is this about that builder?

Please don't say you're banging a builder.

It's worse than that. I'm NOT banging the builder.

So you're imagining banging the builder?

You don't know Garry like I know Garry.

I know builders. Lee's a builder.

Well, technically a plasterer, but...

It's like a builder, but they're not allowed power tools.

AIR-HORN HOOTS

Hope those glutes are burning, Lila's mum.

Next up - Kevin Brady.

Ardingly to Haywards Heath, I'm going to smash you up!

Whoo!

CHEERING

Go on, Kev. Come on, Kevin! Go, Kevin!

Go on, Kev!

Shall we go? Yeah. Yeah.

MAN: Hey, happy birthday, you old sod.

Ah, thanks, mate. So good to see you.

THEY SIGH

Oof!

Reminiscing?

"I'm in Homebase - need anything? No, got the screws."

Hey, thank you, it's private.

You're not actually serious about this guy?

Garry? Yeah, 100%. I mean, yeah, he's...

Oh, my God, he's so lovely.

He's like... He makes me feel so fizzing with...

You know, it's like I've been in a coma and he's just woken me up.

You have been in a coma - it's called adult life.

Yes, kids and bills and citalopram and Radio 2.

I mean, oh, God! What is it all for? Where is our reward?

We're just going to all bobble around then drop down with a stroke!

Yes, I want Garry.

You're such a derp!

I can't believe you're going to pin your middle-age freak-out

on a bloke who fixes your bog.

Yeah, you might as well fall in love with the bloke at the Texaco garage.

Mm! Liz, love, you're not going to put me off him.

I... I can't unsee the things he's shown me.

My God, what's he shown you? A bit of silicone?

A new U-bend? You're dreaming, mate!

Bet he hasn't given you a second thought!

Yes, he has, actually.

For your info, he's asked for my email.

Ooh! So, you know, I'm going to get it on with Garry.

OK, so you know what I think you need to do?

I think you need to see your husband more often.

No, he's an asshole.

He's not a TOTAL arsehole.

I mean, my God, he didn't bat an eyelid when your mum moved in.

Her taking over your bedroom,

hanging her big grey knickers over your radiators.

I think I should just talk to Paul, I think I should...

I think I just need to be open, I just...

Siri, call Paul.

Siri, no!

Thank you, Meg. She won't do it. Siri, can you call Paul?

No! Stop her. Oh!

Get it! What are you doing?!

THEY GRUNT

Argh!

MUFFLED: You're crushing me.

AIR HORN HOOTS

Whoo! Yes!

Guys, did you s...? Guys?

Hey, hey...

Amanda, did you see...? Sorry. And...

Hi, Kevin. Great ride.

Can I get you something to drink?

Aperol spritz, espresso martini, snakebite...

I'll have one of each.

Oh, erm, it's not happening now.

She said she didn't want a fuss.

I think. There you go.

No.

HE SLURPS

Please, just give me my phone back.

I'm going to text Garry that you hate him.

Oh, my God, you're being an absolute bitch!

Oh, bollocks! It's nine o'clock. I've got to meet Sam.

PHONE BUZZES

Oh, my God. Garry's emailed me. He's sent me an email.

He-he!

Oh, it's just an invoice so...

Five grand?! Oh!

He's charging your five grand for granny-proofing your bog?!

How much overtime?!

No, that was just, we...

Well, we had, erm, a beer in the garden. It's just a...

Oh, my God. What an arsehole invoice!

No, I think it's just admin, I don't think it means...

No, no, no. According to this invoice, he's not the man for you.

He's charged you £600 for a finial.

What's a ratted finial?

Meg, it's a... It's an architectural...

I... I don't know.

I told you, builders - you can't trust any of 'em.

Right, I'm off to meet an actual man who actually wants to sleep with me.

Slag.

Liz! Liz, hey!

How do I get in?

What are you doing here?

I-I said I'd meet you at the pub.

where my son parks his scooter? Not particularly.

Oh, come on, let me in.

No... No, it's...

I-I'll come out.

Well, come on!

I want to see your kid's classroom and the tiny little chairs.

Oh, no. It's... It's lame.

Come on, I want to meet your mates. Let me in!

No! Don't be a dick.

What, are you embarrassed about me or something? No, no.

I just don't want you to see my...

..shitty life. You know, I don't...

I don't want you in here contaminated with verrucas

and bogeys and Amanda.

I want to keep you out there, separate.

On a tractor or something.

I'm coming in. What are you doing?

You can't stop me. Oh, my God!

Don't, you'll crush your bits, you dick.

It's OK. You don't want kids anyway, do you?

Oh, oh... Oh, sh... Oh, my God!

I want to see these tiny chairs and your stupid friends.

Well, I guess I may as well go home, then.

Well, unless you want to man the bar.

Yeah, that's what I want to be doing - serving own-brand spirits

behind a bloody trestle table on my birthday.

I mean, look at me.

You said you didn't want to celebrate.

WHISPERING: I didn't, but...come on!

This is it?

BABY CRIES

The baby needs feeding and I haven't even done the bins.

Oh, God. I don't know where... Why'd you even bring it?

It? Him. Her! Her, then.

Well, you'd know she was a girl if you even bothered to learn her name.

What do you mean? I'm so tired, I can't even feel my own eyes.

What's my baby's name, Amanda?

What? What's my baby's name? What are you saying?

What's my baby's name?

Are you saying I don't know your baby's name?

What's my baby's name? Stop it, Anne, you sound like a robot.

What's my baby's name? I have got an awful lot on my mind right now.

What's my baby's name?

S...something Irishy.

What's my baby's name? You're scaring me, Anne!

What's my baby's name? F-F-F...

What's my baby's name?

I don't know your baby's name, Anne.

It's Niamh.

Well...how am I expected to know that?

Please, don't shout at me on my special day.

Jesus Christ!

IS it your special day or isn't it?

Because I'm here on my own doing everything,

and I haven't even had a chance to drop the baby home

and I wouldn't mind... You're not even 39, you're 41,

you big, blonde, stupid cow!

Hi. Erm, Garry, it's Julia.

Fuck.

ANSWERPHONE: Message deleted.

To re-record your message, press one.

Hi, Garry. Erm, it's, erm, Julia Johnson here.

Erm, it's...

Erm, 20 past 9 on the 9th of, erm...

MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYS

I cannot believe you are coming on to me here.

Amanda, wait.

Amanda...

Kevin, I am not interested.

For goodness' sake, I just came to see if you were all right.

Because I care as a...as a friend, as a human being.

Not... Not because we made love.

Shh! You, you...

God! Do you want the whole world to know?

Well, I... I don't.

Right, well, that's...

You know what? I'm not ashamed.

We enjoyed each other's bodies.

It was good - not the greatest.

Twice.

Get over it, Amanda, because I have. OK?

And you can stop sulking in the children's toilets.

It's your bloody birthday, so get out here and bloody enjoy it.

Johnny's getting married.

I just found out today.

Oh.

Ouch.

Gosh, I'm...

I'm sorry.

He told you on your bloody birthday?

Yeah.

You know, I'm not one to bad-mouth anybody,

but what a wanker!

Thank you, Kevin.

I needed that.

TOILET FLUSHES

DOOR SHUTS

WHISPERING: Oh, my God.

Hi, Garry. It's Julia here.

Erm, I just wanted to really say thank you.

Erm, not just for your, erm, hard work and your,

erm, exemplary craftsmanship, but also, erm...

..because I...

I haven't really felt anything for a long time. I...

I-I haven't... I haven't felt loved and I...

I haven't... I haven't actually really felt very, erm...

And, I mean, I know... I know you don't, erm, love me.

I... I don't even think you like me very much.

I think it's cos...

I think you probably find me quite creepy, which, erm, I probably am.

It's... It's quite, erm...

Anyway, I just...

I just wanted to say that you made me feel something,

and I really, really loved that.

I think... I think it's locked, Anne, love.

I just called Amanda a cow and I... I think I liked it.

Eh? She can organise her own fecking surprise birthday.

I've had it up to the back teeth, you know?

What has she got to be peed off about?

With all her hair and the... The fellas!

You're beautiful when you're angry, Anne.

Kevin banged Amanda up the back of Hygge Tygge.

Eh? Mmm.

No. Yes.

Our...our Kevin? And that Amanda?

Yeah, I know, right?

Lucky her.

Who hasn't imagined that curly head in between their thighs?

Literally everyone hasn't imagined that, Anne.

Oh, my days.

What... Well, don't tell anyone!

My God, no. Of course I wouldn't tell...

Oh, my God, I'm still on Garry's voicemail.

Of course I would not do that. I wouldn't tell anybody.

Oh, my God, I can't wait to tell the guys!

Hold the door.... Please... Oh...

CHANTING: Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg!

Move, move, move, move, move, move, move!

Hello, I just... I just need to borrow my pal just for a second.

Kevin and Amanda bumped. His...

His penis in-in-into her vagina hole.

Fuck off. Hey, hey, hey!

Where the hell were YOU when I busted a gut for the PTA?

What? Why are you... why are you staring at me?

AIR HORN HOOTS CHEERING

Thank you, Jade's mum.

the cup for tonight's fastest leg.

Hi, everyone.

What a night!

OK, before I give this fab cup to the lucky winner,

I just want to say thank you so much to everyone for coming -

particularly my dear parent-in-arms, Anne.

Anne has been beavering away - much appreciated -

despite having baby Ni...

It is about us, the parents, giving up our spare time

to make a goddamn difference, guys.

So, yay!

APPLAUSE

Yeah, yeah.

So without further ado, it is my great honour to award this trophy

to this year's fastest leg.

It's like the Oscars.

And the winner is...

..Kevin Brady.

Ah! Yes!

THEY CHEER

Get up there, Kev. Come on!

Try to keep it clean.

Yes. Wow, yes! Thank you.

HE CHUCKLES

Erm, can I just say -

and I don't think you'll mind me telling everyone - erm...

..it's actually this lady's birthday today.

Erm, she's being very modest

because she's had a bit of a year, let's...let's face it.

And she could've been out today at Pizza Express with her gal pals,

but she gave up her big day to be here with us.

APPLAUSE

So I think... I think that it's only right that she should kick off

the after-show party with the first dance.

MUSIC: Drank & Drugs by Lil Kleine & Ronnie Flex

Are you kidding me, Anne?

Wait, you seriously want me to do my dance

What are you like?!

I don't even know if I can remember it.

SCATTERED CHEERING

WHOOPING

Just stay there... Just use this.

Oi. Julia!

You're letting yourself down. Get off me!

Let me... Let me hold your cup. THEY LAUGH

Come on. You're embarrassing yourself, Julia!

Oi-oi. Hey! Paulie...!

Bloody hell! Never seen him on school soil.

Hey, mate! You look great.

Hey, Keith.

Hi, babe! Heya.

Why are you...? Why are you here? You... Is there...?

Am I late? Was I supposed to be somewhere?

No, I just thought I'd sneak out and join you.

Kids are in bed. Your mum's watching Millionaire. Oh! OK.

I mean, how often do we get to have a night out together? Yeah! God...

Yep.

SHE LAUGHS

Are you...? You all right?

I need to tell you something.

Yeah?

I need to tell you...

Yeah?

Erm...

Is this about the builder, Julia?

QUIETLY: Yes. How did you know?

Cos you've been drooling over him for weeks.

It's been like living with a teenager.

I-I want to be with him, Paul.

I...

I need to be with Garry.

I know.

Because I want to be with him, too.

I'm serious, Paul.

No, I'm serious!

SHE LAUGHS

You pig! No, I love him!

THEY LAUGH

I love you, you idiot. God!

Come on.

THEY LAUGH

Can we at least get an extension?

LIZ: Maybe you should show him the invoice first.

Right, pub.

MUFFLED SPEECH

LIZ: Yes, pub!

LAUGHTER