Original subtitles

Charlie's phone's been confiscated.

It's actually my phone - he took it from my pocket, so I need it back.

Please?

There it is. Thieving little git.

Yeah, I don't have a form for it.

I can't release a property unless I've got a confiscation form.

Right, so how do I get it back?

All items without a form are classified as lost property

and processed at the end of term.

Jesus Christ.

If you wish to make a complaint, you can email the school.

Yeah, all right, I'll do that.

Can you pass me my phone so I can do it now?

OK.

And who deals with the complaints?

I do.

OK.

Mrs Lamb's phone.

I hate you, you witch.

Just give me the phone back.

Oh, you really dodged a bullet

getting out of the school trip, Kevin.

Gutted doesn't even cover it.

Sod's law my driving test is on the same day as the trip

to Fishbourne Roman Palace.

Send you some pictures of mosaics for your wank bank.

I hit a cow on my driving test.

Yeah, killed it instantly.

Still passed, though.

Uh, different rules in Ireland.

I'm sweating just thinking about it.

My hands are literally sopping.

Do you think I need some driving gloves or...or a driving towel?

The physical store was always just a test-bed but, uh,

as of two o'clock tomorrow, we officially pivot online.

Woohoo!

Will you be OK packing up the shop?

Uh, you're packing up, Anne?

Oh, no, I told you I can't - the baby has her jabs.

Oh, great. Thanks for mentioning this before.

I did. I texted you twice.

Then how is this only the first time I'm registering it?

For that, I can only apologise.

Cafe anyone? I promised the girls a cake if they let me sing

the Moana soundtrack with them this morning.

No, no, I have to say goodbye to my builder.

Oh, is it Garry's last day?

What? No.

Oh, sorry, you just gave me a heart attack.

No.

No, no, no, I just like to...

I just...just like to have, um, a catch-up,

a de-brief, you know, give him a proper send-off.

You must give me his number - I need a new attic ladder.

I'd never share him with anyone, Kevin.

What do you want, babe?

Do you want a hot chocolate with all the toppings?

Is Jade OK?

We've just been to see the head.

Some little dipshit's been racist to her.

Bloody hell, poor little thing.

The worst Rosie's ever got is a rain cloud for giving Ruben

a wedgie.

And he's been banned from the school field trip tomorrow

and they're doing a racism awareness assembly thing, so...

For the record, I am both shocked and stunned.

What did the head say?

They said they've not had to deal with it before.

At least that's something. Yeah, but is it?

Is it that it's never happened before or that they haven't noticed?

Anyway, whatever, they're dealing with it, so that's something.

What did the kid actually say?

Well, the jury is still out on whether he meant it

in an offensive way.

No, I don't think the jury's still out.

It really upset Jade.

I know demographically my opinion doesn't count,

but maybe it's just kids saying kids' things.

No.

Anne, what do you think?

You must've been on the receiving end as an Irish.

Or not. I'm not saying you have to

have an opinion just because you're Irish.

The Irish famously opinionated?

Um, couldn't tell you one way or the other.

They are.

Their catchphrase is, "To be sure."

Oh, I'm not sure it is but, um, OK.

To be sure, to be sure.

It is.

Oh! Oh.

Cup of tea for the worker.

Ah, thanks.

Mine are much more, um...

you know, it doesn't matter what mine are like, these are my,

um, these are my mother's, we'll just, just get...

Um, is it a classic sort of bachelor pad or is there

a girlfriend in the mix?

No, not at the moment, no. You should take your time and p...

play the field, see what's out there.

At a squeeze.

Lovely tea, thanks.

Garry, I don't know how to say this, um, I have to go on a school

trip tomorrow, so I'm not going to be around.

OK, cool.

It's very understanding of you.

It's...it's to Fishbourne Roman Palace, it's, um,

it's famous for its tiles.

But, seriously, honestly,

your new window fittings.

Consider it done.

I mean, absolutely, fine.

I'm on it like a car bonnet. I'll call them first thing.

I love getting my teeth into something.

Anyone want a tea? I'm putting the kettle on.

No, thanks, Mother, Garry's all catered for.

He's great. No, actually, I could go for another.

OK, don't touch the kettle. Don't touch that.

Get you... Don't you dare touch it!

Just pull in here, Mr Brady.

Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Come on, just...

Come on, just... Just put me out...

Put me out of my misery.

Well, I'm pleased to tell you, you passed.

What?

Shut up.

What? Shut up.

Shut the F up.

Whoo!

BEEPS CAR HORN

Don't do that.

Hey, hey, hey.

What are you doing here?

If ever there was a time to play the cancer card, this is it.

I'd just be moping around waiting for my test results.

They're due to call today.

And there's only so many episodes of Selling Sunset you can

watch before you want to claw your eyes out with your acrylics.

Can everyone please get in line?

All aboard the vomit express.

Come on, come on, answer the frickin' phone.

If we could get off our phones, please.

Ivy's mum. Oh, yeah, cool.

LADY ON THE PHONE: Hello, are you there?

Yeah, hi I'm ringing about a Velux window fitting.

Excuse me.

Is that's someone's child?

Whose child is this?

Everyone, wait in line. We are not boarding yet.

Miss Vaughn, can you get that boy out of the luggage hold?

I'm claustrophobic.

Oi!

Out, please.

Sorry, what's Danny doing here?

Um, I'm just the teaching assistant.

Sorry. Mrs Lamb?

Um, yeah, that boy Danny who just went on the bus,

he's not supposed to be on the field trip.

Is he not? No.

Right, um, it's just that we're a bit pushed for time, so...

Danny's mum?

Did you see that, mate? The baby racist just got on the coach.

Yeah, I know, don't worry.

Right, uh, she says she's appealing it, so single file, please.

One, two, three...

Um...

What? Yeah, right, um, yeah, eight, nine, ten...

Uh, excuse me, I'll take that laser pen, thank you, Talisha.

Um, that's 15, 16, 17.

Look, if you feel you don't want to go on the trip,

I can process a full refund, uh...

No, no, no, I don't want Jade to miss the...

I don't want to prevent Jade from going on the trip

just because the school haven't got their act together.

OK, that's all the kids, Miss Vaughn.

I'll do a sweep of the wheels.

I'm sorry, but this is not good enough.

It's a rock and a hard place situation, Mum.

The child received a thunder letter,

What's that, a quote from Nelson Mandela?

Look, I'm sorry, Mum, but we really need to get going.

Sick bags.

Sick bags.

What's wrong with you? Did you not hear?

Oh, God.

It's like The Shining.

That little twonk who was mean to Jade was let on the coach.

You're joking? He's on here? Mm-hm.

Why hasn't he been humanely thrown down a well?

It's this bloody school, they can barely cope with missing

blazers let alone something like this.

The school's a joke shop, an Ofsted-rated joke shop.

No, it really winds me up.

And if you break the rules, there should be zero tolerance.

Don't just sweep it under the carpet.

Yeah. I blame Dominic Cummings. Why?

I blame him for everything. He's a dick.

You're not allowed to sit together.

Hop it, please. Go on.

Uh, excuse me, Mum, we need this seat.

Ah, hello, you're there. Lovely jubbly.

Yes. Yeah, I've got a pen.

Yep, no probs.

Bollocks, I haven't got a pen.

Have you got a pen?

Yes, I'm here.

Oh, yeah.

You need to write this down.

Get some paper.

Is that Danny's mum? Do you want me to have a word?

I'll tell her to get off the coach if you want. I don't give a shit.

Yes.

It's a Velux GGL. Hey!

UK04.

And that's...that's the part I need, is it?

No, I don't need the whole unit, just the fitting.

Yes, I'll hold.

Oh, my God, she's hung up on me.

Cut us off, mate.

Yo, Amanda! Yo!

Amanda! Oh, uh.

Oh, hey. I did it.

Passed my driving...

I passed my driving test, Amanda.

Oh. I just did a doughnut in that back bit of the B&Q car park

to celebrate.

Would you like a lift anywhere? You could be my virgin passenger.

Uh, I'm going to go to a car wash in a bit.

I actually could really use some help packing up my shop, Kevin.

Oh, OK, my offer was a bit more car-based, but...

Thank you.

Just pull in here, it'd be great.

Thank you, Kevin.

Oh, Jesus, mate, they stink.

What flavour are they? Cheese and anus?

Why are you having your lunch now? It's not even 10.00?

Did you know that Fishbourne is the largest Roman villa

north of the Alps?

She looks like any normal mum.

It's so weird.

Well, what do you expect her to look like? Charles Manson?

Katie Hopkins?

She does look a bit like Katie Hopkins.

Talking about the mum? Yeah.

Danny, her kid, once pulled Ivy's shorts down in PE.

I really fantasised about shitting him up,

like getting totally into his face and just fucking him up for life.

I've fantasised about waterboarding Toby Warner in year four.

Oh, yes.

Oh, that little psychopath.

So what goes on the coach stays on the coach, yeah?

No further.

Oh, what now?

Right, everyone remain seated.

Fingers on lips, please.

What's going on? Slight technical issue.

Oh, are you going to sort it? Or is it our responsibility now?

Why have we stopped? Are we here?

ALL: We're here!

Bums on seats, please.

We are not here yet.

Everyone sit down.

Careful with those, Kevin, please.

Ah!

One hour's time hyggetygge.org is officially live-a-live-o.

It's a good job I drove by, isn't it?

You'd have your work cut out doing all this lot alone.

I'm not alone, Kevin. Hmm?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Are you all right about all this, Amanda?

It must be hard having a business fail.

Kevin, I'm not failing.

If anything, I'm a victim of my own success.

The forecast website traffic vastly outnumbers any physical

footfall, hence my tactical pivot online.

Uh, I don't know anything about anything you're talking about,

but it sounds mighty exciting.

It is.

58 minutes.

Quiet please, everyone.

Um, all hold a bubble in your mouth.

Like, like, pretend there's a bubble in there.

She said hold a bubble in your mouth.

Oh, hi.

Hello, yes, no.

So, um, according to Garry Yates, my lovely builder, um,

he's very much in the system.

Oh, it, it's Garry with two Rs.

Yes, absolutely, it makes a difference.

It's much softer, sexy, super more sound.

No, I...

No, I want the Velux UK04 in white.

She's still eyeballing us.

Hmm. Oh, shit she's coming. She's coming over.

She's coming up the aisle. What do we say to her?

Nothing, babe, just leave it.

Uh, no. No, thank you, love, I don't want to be transferred to accounts,

no, I've made a promise to, um, my builder, Garry,

and I don't want to break that promise, so...

OK, fine, I'll be transferred to accounts.

Hi, is anyone actually doing anything about the heating

because it's freezing back there?

I don't know. I'm just the teaching assistant, so...

Ooh, sorry, that's Garry trying to get through now.

That's... I'm just going to...

Just...just one sec, that, that, that's Garry now,

I'm just going to take that.

Hi! Hi, Garry.

How's it going?

Garry? Garry? Oh, f...

Hello? Hi, yeah...

Hello? Hello?

Frickin' well cut us off, mate.

Have you farted?

She'll have to say something now.

Here we go.

Oh, the balls on that.

Oh, seriously, Liz, just leave it.

It's not worth the steam off my piss.

I'll give her one last snide eye.

Oh, damn, I accidentally winked at her.

I feel like everything in my life has been leading up to this,

hyggetygge.org.

Just looking back.

My time as a hostess in Val d'Isere, front of house in Bibendum,

That was me in my element.

Just being a people person.

Fuck sake, Kevin!

I'm so sorry, Amanda. Sorry.

Oh, where's the dustpan?

Oh, my God, look!

These must be left over from the opening.

Ah.

Oh, look.

I think the most anyone ever got was two.

Oh, my God, it's time to launch.

Kevin, it's time to launch.

Uh, OK.

Um, hyggetygge.org going live in five...

Four...

Shh.

Three...

Two...

One...

We have lift off.

Yay!

There you go.

Well, I think that calls for a celebration.

Shall we have a toast? Crack open your champers?

Sure.

Yeah, uh, why not?

I don't think I've got any flutes or coupes.

How about these?

They're stem vases, Kevin.

Yeah, sure. Um.

Oh!

Uh.

OK.

Here we go.

Aw. Better hair.

The best hair.

Can I quote you on that? Obviously not using your name.

It would be an honour.

Oh.

Time for Operation Lollipop.

Bouncers use this to keep people quiet at chucking out time.

You do the back. I'll do the front.

Oh, my God, it would've been quicker just to drive up to the

wholesalers, kidnap them all and get the part!

Mind you, that might've really impressed Garry, so...

Oh, my God, I've run out of charge.

No, I'm expecting a call.

Taylor, I need to borrow your phone, mate.

Just five minutes, yeah?

Hand it over.

Just quickly. Please?

I just need to borrow it quickly.

OK, what's that number again?

but, truth be told, this place was a bit of a lifeline for me

when I split up with Johnny, you know,

just running a lifestyle boutique gave me a reason to live

between 11 and three every day, apart from weekends and Wednesdays.

Not to mention the fun you've brought to the area.

I do worry about that, Kevin, actually.

I mean, where else are people going to get candle cages locally?

Well, my hats are off to you, professionally and privately.

I only hope that my divorce is half as good as yours.

Thank you.

What is it they say? You go for it, lady.

Top-up?

Hmm.

Hit me.

Another lollipop? There you go.

Another lollipop.

Excuse me. Excuse you from what?

I'm sorry, is there an issue?

Yeah, there is an issue, actually.

You're on this coach and you shouldn't be on this coach.

Oh, I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, please, you do.

You know what your kid said to my mate's kid.

Really? Well, I think you should tell your friend

that I think her kid, Jade, is a little liar.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going for a piss.

Hey.

Oh!

I used to be able to pop 12 corks a minute

when I ran the Bollinger tent at Twickenham.

I'll get my driving gloves.

Oh!

That's the ticket.

Hmm.

Do you ever think, how did it come to this?

I'm barely in my late thirties, I've got two amazing kids

and a burgeoning lifestyle brand and, I don't know,

I still feel overwhelmed by the next step.

Ah, why am I telling you this?

No, no, no, go, go, go on, Amanda.

I'm all ears.

Sometimes I think, "Am I cut out for this?

"Do I have what it takes?"

I know from the outside it looks like I've got it all -

the teeth, the glutes, the personality, but on the inside,

I still feel like the tall, gawky teenager who couldn't

fit in the bucket seats of their dad's sports car.

Amanda, are you kidding me?

Sorry.

You can do anything you put your mind to.

You're a strong,

independent woman who doesn't listen to the haters, just

goes out there, gets what she deserves and, and F that sports car.

You can't help having really long legs.

I can't. You're go-getting.

I'm sorry, Amanda, you've got it going on.

You radiate success.

You're confident, well turned out, always smell clean,

you're a mother, business lady, feminist icon.

If my girls grow up like you, I will be a very proud father.

I'm really sorry.

I didn't realise that it wouldn't take tampons.

If I have to listen to Travis one more time.

I just... I feel so helpless, Liz, being on hold at the mercy

of some woman in a call centre called Denise.

Think I've really messed up this time.

Sorry. I mean, why am I getting my

knickers in a twist about a window fitting?

I just don't want to let Garry down.

Oh, hiya, Denise.

Denise?

That was a cry for help.

Nobody can ever find out, OK?

Yeah, yeah, of course, yeah.

It was a horrible, horrible mistake that should never have happened.

Yeah, abs...

Absolutely, absolutely with you on that one.

Couldn't agree more.

No, no, leave them on.

I'm sorry, we need to stay on the coach.

Oi, you, Charlie's mum.

I just got the phone to the school and I've reported you

You're the one who's 'king gross.

What's it even got to do with you?

It's like you're so desperate to prove to everyone how PC you are.

I'm not trying to prove anything except that you're a total prick.

Uh, excuse me,

this is not how we should be speaking to one another, Mums.

This woman insulted my child in front of the entire coach.

I'm escalating it.

You already escalated it when you started this in front of the kids.

Who does that?

Uh, time out, please, Mums, we need to be getting back on the coach.

What are you doing here? Who's minding the kids?

Why don't you just apologise?

SHOUTING

Yes, mate, they're going to send through the parts.

Result!

Garry is going to be pumped.

Hmm.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

I'm going to hang on to that, I'm waiting for an email confirmation.

ALL SHOUTING

What the fuck are you all doing?

I'm dealing with this, thank you, Mum.

No, you're not dealing with it.

That's the point.

You're all just shouting at each other in a ditch.

God, it's like Twitter.

I'm just sticking up for you.

I know, babe, and I love you so much for it,

but I just needed you to listen to me when I said don't poke

the hornet's nest. Please, don't poke the hornet's nest.

And Mrs Lamb, this is about the kids after all.

All I needed was for my daughter to feel like the school's got

her back, and as far as safeguarding goes,

this school is about as effective as a shit in a sink.

Guys, what's going on? What's the goss, kicking off?

No, please, this is not the Daily Mail side bar of shame.

You can't just dip in and out for shits and giggles, OK?

Yeah? Soz. It's OK.

Oh, flip the shit! Part's out of stock!

Sorry, excuse me, nothing to say to me, Jade's mum?

Because your mate's got a lot to say to me,

or does she just do your dirty work for you?

Do you just wind her up, do you and let her go?

I don't even know what this is...

Hi. Yes, this is she.

Sorry, can you just hang on a moment?

Hi.

No, it's a good time.

Yes. Did you see what she just did?

Oh, my God!

Jesus tonight!

Right, we're off.

And no more singing!

KIDS: Yeah!

Kev, what happened?

Nothing. What? N...

I've done nothing at all. I've done nothing.

Driving test, Kev.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I've passed. Ah, well done!

Look at my gloves.

Um, how, um, how was it? Uh, how was...

Did you see the dolphin mosaic?

Oh, we didn't get there.

Bloody coach broke down.

But I did get the all-clear.

Oh!

Oh, my God!

Fantastic, Meg!

Yay, Meggy!

Take it to your grave, Kevin.

Roger that.

Ivy's mum, a word.

Taylor's mum has made a complaint.