Original subtitles

Who's this guy now?

Oh, he's Connell, from Normal People. Oh.

Yeah, of course. Yeah. He looks like him,

doesn't he? Ah, little peach!

Loving the peach costume, Rose. See you, then. Have a good day.

Mwah! She looks great.

What's the book, Kev? Have you read Call Me By Your Name, Anne?

I have, yeah, years ago. I don't remember anything

about a peach, though... Oh. Very funny, Liz.

No, it's James and the Giant Peach, of course.

Rose, Rose, remember, try not to sit down.

Love you! Move quicker.

Shh...

Did you forget? No.

No, not at all. Just haven't...

haven't got my...bits and bobs out yet, so... Ha-ha! Silly.

Oh! It's the...

Umbrella. It's a book by Will Self. Off you go, there.

Here we go.

There.

And that's, er... That's Where's Wally?, so...

So, right...

Bye, guys.

Oh, er, decaf, please.

No caffeine for me for another year. Ha! Oh, God, I'm sick of March

already! It's just constant dress-up, children's parties,

then it's bloody Easter egg hunts. Then, to top it off, it's shitting

Mother's Day! You going to turn down your Mother of the Year Award

again, then? I love Mother's Day. I love that there's one day that

the world remembers they came out of a woman. What are you going to be

doing, Liz? Lee's got the kids this year, so I'm hoping they'll get

diarrhoea in time.

HE TUTS

Let bloody Jill see what she's bloody missing. Oh, Amanda!

Are you doing anything lovely for Mother's Day? Yeah, actually, yeah.

I'm having lunch with my mother. She's, er,

coming down from Cheltenham especially. You've got a mother?!

You doing anything nice for Mother's Day?

My mammy's coming over, yeah. I've told her all about your cafe.

She can't wait to meet you. Hmm.

Only two more sleeps. Until what, you get your skin tags off? No,

till Mother's Day. Aw! All my favourite things in one day! Aw!

My mammy, a lie-in, breakfast in bed, opening presents,

kisses from the children, a pound of marzipan, bobbing for apples,

kittens for the day, walnuts... I think Anne's malfunctioning.

..a roll down the hill.

SHE GIGGLES

Huh! Huh-huh!

have a little cheese plate out in the garden, or...

Or we could watch that new documentary, erm,

about the octopus.

Yeah, thanks, but, er, got to get going.

Yeah, no, of course. I said I'd watch it with Mother, anyway.

You... You doing anything nice for Mother's Day?

There's six of you?! Are you all builders? No, just me.

One's an accountant, three are firemen... Three are firemen? Yeah.

Three are firemen? Yeah.

SHE LAUGHS Three are firemen?! Yeah. Firemen!

Hmm. Oh, my God! Yeah.

Er, I found this. Do you want it?

For me? It's just a spare tap. I found it in the back of the van.

I noticed the one in the en suite was knackered, so...

I was only going to dump it otherwise. Oh, my God!

I... I love it. Thank you

so much! All right. I'll see you Monday, then. OK.

Yeah. Thank you, Garry, that's a date...

A day. A day in the calendar. Thank you, Garry, bye!

Children, breakfast is ready! Come on!

Mum, Mother! Yes?

Your porridge is ready!

Ooh, lovely! And did you make it with milk? Yeah.

Oh, no, I can't have it with milk, love.

CHILDREN PLAY IN BACKGROUND

PHONE RINGS

Why are you calling me from upstairs? Julia, why are the kids on

the trampoline? You know I need bed rest after the vasectomy.

Paul, love, you are aware it's Mother's Day, yes? Oh, shit,

I've got to call my mum!

LOUD THUD

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh!

Are they for me? Why are you all tarted up? Oh, your sister's

FaceTiming me at 11.

Oh, they're lovely!

Thank you, Julia. Happy Mother's Day, Mother. Oh!

Ah...

Look!

"All my love, Emily!"

Both of us! It just says, Emily! Oh, Emily!

What a total bitch.

Is it weird doing Mother's Day without the boys? Yeah.

They always make me a crappy little card.

Charlie brings me a bowl of dry cereal in bed,

usually around 4am. Well, why didn't Lee swap weekends with you,

so you could have them? Because he's a cock and a dick.

Ah, double penis. Fancy a spontaneous trip to London?

Ah, it's lambing season. I can't really leave.

You can come here, though. You might even get to see a little

lamb being born. Ooh, tempting. It's a bit of a miracle. You get to see

them appearing, take their first breaths.

Seen enough placenta dragged out of my own vagina, thanks.

So, what do you think, we could meet up halfway?

Chippenham Lorry Park.

Oh, they've got showers! Sounds almost TOO romantic.

SHEEP BLEAT

Ooh, your wife's calling.

All right, speak to you soon. Speak soon. Bye.

I'm going for a bath. Oh, there's no hot water. Eh?

And you've run out of milk. Mother, you literally just said you can't

have milk in your porridge!

Yeah, but I can't drink black tea.

Jesus Christ!

SHE HAMMERS ON DOOR

Open up, it's the pigs!

Happy Mother's Day. Oh, shove it up your hole!

Have you got any milk I could borrow, please? Yeah.

I also have a Bloody Mary you can borrow. Bloody, yes!

MUSIC PLAYS QUIETLY

Oh, my God!

You guys make me want to puke! Here, this'll settle your stomach.

SIGHING: Thanks.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Oh, shit! What's happened?

Just thinking about drinking.

What's the earliest you can start if you're not officially an alcoholic?

Friday night? No, I usually just stick to the weekends,

but I'm the wrong person to ask.

I only drink for fun.

Er...

You know I'm not your mum, right?

No. They arrived for bloody Jill,

cos I forgot to cancel the standing order at the florist.

Seriously, it took all my might not to make a fuss of her.

Normally it's, you know, breakfast in bed,

home-made chocolates, I keep the kids out of the way

so she can properly chill. Then, usually, she watches

Point Break on her own. She loves that film.

Tell me you didn't do any of that? No, of course not.

Well, actually, I did... I did make breakfast.

I was just on autopilot.

I left it in the kitchen, though.

Bloody Jill can...

bloody get it herself. You need to toughen up, Kev.

Get some lessons from my ex on how to be a thoughtless,

self-obsessed piss-bag. I can't believe he wouldn't let you

have the boys today. Hmm, I can.

This is the bloke who went on his stag do during our honeymoon.

Poor old you... No.

Not seeing Sam Shepherd this weekend?

We could do anything we goddamn please.

Yeah, all right. Like what?

Visit my mum?

So, I've got my last lot of chemo next week,

then I find out if I need an op to lop it off.

Hey, no, you won't need that.

Well, if I do, then as a booby prize, they can give me a new booby.

Ooh! That's, ugh...

Why are you looking at porn? I'm researching my new rack.

I've got the search history of a 14-year-old boy. Oh,

if I was offered a free boob job, I'd go like, you know, whole hog.

The full Sam Fox. Yeah, no, I was thinking more the other way,

but not too flat, like you, because you're, like, concave. Thank you.

Yes, no, they did rather give up the ghost after, er,

the breast-feeding... Ooh!

That drink looks delicious!

Can... Can I stay here forever?!

Your Mother's Day is just much, much, much, much better than mine.

How come I don't get spoilt like this? Christ! I had...

32 stitches with Ivy! When she came out, she was, like,

the same size as my own torso! Well, you reap what

Paul.

"Toilet roll..."

MESSAGE ALERT

"..ASAP." Sorry, what, what...

What did I sow to deserve this? Is this, erm...

Please can I stay here? No, get out!

I'm just... I'm just going to take...

Cheers, my dears! Would it help if I told you that

they'd never done a Mother's Day like this before?

Ah, yeah, maybe a bit. I think they're just making a special effort

because it might be my last one ever. God, no. No. It's true.

Do you know, I once, erm, lay down on the kitchen floor over there -

just lay down just to see if anyone would notice -

and, actually, they all just, erm,

stepped over me. So, in the end, I just sort of lay there

Give it back! Give it back! No, get your own!

Hiya. PAUL: Julia?

Did you get bog roll? Can you run it up here?

SHE SIGHS

Do you want a water?

Mint?

Sick bag? Condoms?

I've got them all for the Uber driving. I'll have a water, please.

Just so you know, even though I'm not going to charge you

for this drive, I will need you to rate me five stars.

Mummy! Hello, darling, I'm so sorry I'm late.

I totally forgot! Aw!

It's fine, it's only 20 minutes,

OK...

I'm fine.

Are you going to come in and say hi to the kids?

We should hurry. I'll shout out to them.

Hello, babies!

Love you, love you!

So good to see you!

Shall we go? Yeah. Er, Johnny, I'm off now!

Bye, guys! Oh, is Johnny not coming with? Well,

no, I...thought we...

Well, who'd look after the children? Oh, that is a shame. And we're

getting a divorce, Mum. Yes, I keep forgetting. Poor Johnny.

Right, shall we go? Riverside Cafe, exciting! Ah,

they were full, but I have got us a table

at Fed and Watered, just on the high street. Oh, that IS a shame.

Mum, I tried my best and we were actually lucky to get

a table anywhere, even though I booked weeks ago. Oh, darling,

I'm so sorry, I am grateful. OK. And as long as I get to see you.

Now, quickly, get ready, I'll wait in the car.

I AM ready.

Weird, being in the countryside.

I don't actually hate it.

Oh, oh, oh, stop. Here we are.

Is your mum a vicar?

No, Liz!

She's dead.

She loved nuts.

Anything salty.

That's probably what killed her in the end.

How old were you when she died?

Eight. Aw, Kev.

My dad married again about a year later. They live in Spain now.

Probably to get away from me.

Does SHE like salty nuts? Nah.

She's more of a Wagon Wheel woman. Sweet tooth.

She couldn't be more different to my lovely mum. My step-mum

couldn't tell me and my brother Adrian apart, so...

she just used to call us both Adrian.

LIZ LAUGHS

I used to hide her slipper.

Just...just the one. She'd spend hours looking for it

and I'd just sit there, knowing it was under my pillow.

Eh, you know what you should do? What, hide Jill's slipper?

No. She'd have my guts for garters! No, get back out there,

sow some oats. Oh, no bloody way! Why not?

The smell of another woman, the feel of her hair,

her hand on my... All right, Kev.

On my chest, Liz!

God!

Sorry, Mum.

Nah, that's it for me.

I've had my fill with Jill.

Can we open those nuts? Yeah.

Huh!

CHILDREN PLAY IN BACKGROUND

Can I do anything? Oh, goodness, no, it's Mother's Day!

Mothers shouldn't have to lift a finger on Mother's Day.

SHE LAUGHS

Food!

Ooh, come on in!

Well, this looks lovely! Oh, I'm sorry, Mum. I'm sorry that

your daughter isn't Heston Blumenthal. What's for pudding? Ha!

No pudding, no. We'll just be having a seminar on living in the moment.

DOORBELL RINGS

Pizza... Who ordered pizza? Pizza!

PAUL: Is that my pizza, Julia?

CHILDREN GIGGLE

Look!

SHE LAUGHS

Georgie is just mad about street dance. Wait,

there's something else I wanted to show you.

That is Madison's drawing of

the Houses of Parliament. Darling, when you WhatsApp photos of the

children, they go straight into my camera roll. Oh, that's handy!

How do I stop that happening? I feel bad deleting them.

Chardonnay - for the beautiful sisters.

Oh, you're sweet!

Isn't he sweet, Amanda? Hmm. Have you decided? Do you want to share

the fig and chorizo salad? I'm not a fan of chori-tho.

I think I'll have the mushroom veloute

and a sparkling water, please. Thank you, darling.

Goat's cheese salad, please. Merci.

So, darling, how are you, with the divorce and everything?

God!

Mum! It's from a David. He sounds lovely.

Great. Darling, dating apps are a game-changer. Mummy, please,

I really don't want to see. It's actually making me feel a bit ill.

Oh, come on! You're getting divorced,

you'll soon be doing exactly the same, you just wait. I won't, Mummy.

This is still so raw for me,

like I did when I was going through it with your father.

This is very different to your divorce from Daddy. It's exactly

the same. He'd had his fill of me and I was discarded.

You should take him for everything he's got. Mummy, I'm not being

discarded, and this is not about money.

Is that what he said? I always said

Johnny was no good. No, you didn't, you said you loved him, and if you

were ten years younger, I'd have to watch my back. Five years younger.

Voila! Can I get you anything else?

BOTH: Another dry white wine, please.

The girls would love it here.

If I pass my driving test, I can take 'em to places like this.

It always peed Jill off that I couldn't drive,

or swim, or grow a beard. Actually, to be fair,

that last one was out of my hands. She hates stubble.

I'll teach you to drive. Would you?

I'm not a complete novice. I've had about 90 hours of lessons. 90?!

For the price of them, you could have just hired a chauffeur!

It's reversing that stymies me.

I'm absolutely fine going forwards but, for some reason,

going backwards terrifies me. MESSAGE ALERT

It's the same with swings. Going up - exhilarating,

coming down - no, thank you. Oh, God! Sam keeps texting me

pictures of baby lambs. Let me see.

There. Still in the birth bag.

It's amazing, isn't it? Life from life. That your...

your body can make another body. Yeah, tell that to the ewe.

She just made four legs of lamb and a pound of chops.

Poor lamb.

The girls and I are vegetarian now.

Not Jill, she's always the last at the table,

sucking the living daylights out of a plate of ribs.

Do you think he's trying to tell me something?

Jill said she'd rather have laser eye surgery.

I've only just reclaimed control of my pelvic floor.

I can finally sneeze without pissing myself.

Eh, do you want to drive us back, Kev?

What, really? Yeah, come on, new you.

OK.

OK, let's do this! Yeah? All right!

KEYS HIT PAVEMENT

Relax! My mum always said, "You wouldn't bump into anyone as you're

"walking about, would you? So just don't bump into any other cars."

OK, come on, Kevin, you can do this!

Indicators...

and mirrors. Check the road ahead.

Here we go.

Oh, my God!

TYRES SCREECH

Well,

that was really lovely. Oh, God, it was absolute shit, Mother!

Sorry, I was just trying to...

It would just be...just be so lovely if my family, you know,

just could pretend that they like me just for one day, maybe

serve me Bloody Marys,

put my face on a T-shirt. You don't have children to be liked, Julia.

Well, what's the blinking point of having kids if they don't friggin'

like you?! Look at us, you didn't talk to me from the age of 13 to 22.

You were a monster, Julia.

I locked myself in the toilet once to get away from you

and you kicked the door off the hinges. Did I?

Goodness, I don't remember that.

Why were you hiding in the toilet?

It was the only room with a key.

And look at us now. You look after me. You let me stay

in your house, give me your bedroom and your en suite. Mother, I don't

want to wait until I'm infirm for my children to give a shit about me.

Oh, my God, they used to think the sun shone out of my arsehole!

All I had to do was fart and Ivy's face lit up. Now, if I fart

in front of them, they look at me like Melania looks at Donald.

You'll get them back, and it'll all be worth it, hmm? I promise.

SHE BREAKS WIND Oh, pop a cork in it, Mother!

Would you like to see the dessert menu?

No, thank you. No, thank you. Just the bill. D'accord.

TAPPING ON WINDOW

Happy Mother's Day!

This is my mammy!

I burned my hand making toffee apples,

so we're off to the A&E, yeah.

Is that your mammy?

It's just Anne.

Amanda, this is my mammy!

Hi. Mammy, this is Amanda's mammy.

No way?! You look too young to be a granny. Not like me.

I'm as old as the hills!

THEY LAUGH

Thank you. This is baby Niamh.

Isn't she a dote?

She was 9lb, exactly. You didn't have any stitches, did you, Annie?

No, no, no. I'm pretty much

elasticated down there!

THEY LAUGH

Would you like a little hold?

Oh.

Ooh!

BABY GURGLES

Isn't Mammy gorgeous?

SHE LAUGHS

You're lovely-looking, Amanda. Oh! Legs up to your armpits! Ha-ha-ha!

Such a slim thing. I'm not! Ha-ha! Neither am I!

THEY LAUGH

Check this out.

BLEATING

Oh, my God, what's that?!

TYRES SCREECH

What, what, what?! What's what?! Not you. Sam. Sam's lambing.

Oh, God! Did you get my message?

Yes, I got your message and, no, I don't want a baby, Liz.

Right, so that's a definite no to kids, then?

Definitely not. Anything else?

Cos I'm sort of in the middle of something here. Yeah, fine. OK.

He doesn't want kids, so that's that answer.

Oh, no!

Do I stop?

HORN BEEPS

You're a learner. He can reverse.

BEEPING CONTINUES No kids is a good thing, isn't it?

What do I do? Just stick her in reverse, Kevin. I mean,

why doesn't he want kids?

Why doesn't he want kids with me? Backwards?

I could have more kids. I've got about ten to 15 good periods left

in me, I reckon. I can't do it. I can't reverse. Oh, for God's sake,

Kevin! I'm having a relationship crisis here!

BEEPING CONTINUES Yes, I know, I know, but he's being

really heavy on the horn. All right, shove over, I'll do it.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

You know what, Liz?

I've got to do this. I've bloody got to grow a pair

and get my licence. I can't give Jill any excuses

to cut me out of my girls' lives. All right, look,

both hands on the wheel, use your mirrors

and, in your own time, nice and easy, reverse.

HE SCREAMS

Kevin! SCREAMING CONTINUES

Oh, my God, Kevin!

Stop screaming! Ha-ha!

HORN BEEPS

Oh! Ha-ha-ha!

I did it. Oh... Ha-ha-ha! I did it!

I reversed! Yes.

I reversed, Liz! Yes, all right! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

bloody mother I know!

MESSAGE ALERT

Do you mind if I drop you off at the station?

I've just got an Uber booking.

Hey!

Ha-ha! I missed you!

HORN BEEPS

Hello.

Hello, babies! Lovely to see you all. Johnny,

you look fantastic, darling. See you on Tinder.

HE CHUCKLES Mummy says I should rinse you dry.

No, I didn't, darling. Don't listen to her,

she's just bitter. Nice lunch? Wonderful, wasn't it, darling?

No, it wasn't. It made me sad, actually.

But whatever happens with this divorce,

we won't let it make our kids sad,

so thank you for that.

Happy Mother's Day, Mum.

She's quite right, you SHOULD take me to the cleaners. Can you imagine?

Can I keep the house? No.

TV IN BACKGROUND

SHE SIGHS

Oh! Er, Meg?

Yeah, no, I'll... I can take them over for her.

SHE KNOCKS ON DOOR

Happy Mother's Day again, you lucky bitch!

SNE SNIFFS

Oh...

Oh, God. Erm...

It's the flowers, isn't it? Er, lilies. Er, you hate lilies!

OK. That's OK, it's cool, I... I can take them away.

I... I didn't receive any fucking flowers, so...

SHE SOBS

I just want to say from the offset, I'm not very good with crying,

or empathy.

I'm sorry.

It's just...

What if this really is my last one?

No, no, no, it...

It's not going to be. We don't know.

And in the meantime, you know, I've got to carry on being

Fun Meg, Hot Wife, Supermum. Whoa! Let's not get carried away.

..and I'm really fucking terrified, Julia! Yes, yes. Look, look...

Listen, of course you are.

Of course you are. But you are strong.

OK, er...

Think about, you know, Lance Armstrong. You... You know,

He's going to go to hell, yes, for sure,

but not for a long, long time - because he beat cancer.

Look, listen, right...

Come on, let's crack

this little soldier open.

CORK POPS

THEY LAUGH

To Lance Armstrong! No, no, I'm not fucking toasting Lance Armstrong.

Uh... Here's to all the

amazing women in our lives. To the sisters and the aunties

and the grandmas and the teachers.

And to Lance Armstrong's mum.

Fine.

Happy Mother's Day.

Oh... Ha-ha!