Original subtitles

Anything else I can do to make your life easier?

You could shave your back.

Hey, that hair is there for a reason.

It keeps you off of me at night.

Take a look at...

...my mother-in-law.

Al's getting ready to use the staple gun.

I'm so glad I'm not one of those women who needs a lot of makeup.

Only Tammy Faye, Zsa Zsa and Bozo use more.

Oh, how about this?

Four Weddings and a Funeral?

That's kind of like five of the same thing, isn't it?

Hello, I'm George Plimpton.

Tonight it is my pleasure to celebrate with you...

...a landmark in American cultural history.

The 200th episode of a program...

...as reviled by sanctimonious snobs...

...as it is cherished by the downtrodden...

...who feel that their cars have been towed from the parking lot of life.

I speak, of course...

...of television's longest-running original comedy:

Married with Children.

Every week there walks through this door a human being...

...and America is breathless in anticipation.

Like a colossus, he bears on his broad shoulders...

...the burdens of the common man.

And like most common men, he's usually not too happy about it.

Hi, honey. How was your day?

I came home. How good could it have been?

I wish the world was a fly and I was a giant rolled-up newspaper.

Here we go.

A fat woman clip-clopped into the shoe store today, said:

"I'd like something I'd be comfortable in."

I said, "Try Wyoming."

The last thing I remember, I was down on one knee...

...waiting on an overflowing glacier of a woman.

First thing they teach you when you're a rookie shoe salesman...

...is when you got a fat one in the chair, never look up.

I looked up, Peg.

I saw underwear.

It said "Saturday."

-So what? -Today's Wednesday.

Who is Al Bundy?

He's not just a purveyor of lady's footwear.

He is Everyman.

We see in him not only our dashed hopes...

...but also our broken dreams.

Or is it the other way around?

In any case, through his sacrifices, his follies and his failures...

...he makes us aware of just how lucky we are...

...not to be him.

I don't care what your little ruler says...

...I've been a seven since I graduated from high school.

Well, these are sevens.

The box says nine, because, well--

Look, lady, you're a nine.

I can accept it, why can't you?

Well, you're very fresh.

No, that's impossible. Because for the last hour...

...I've been trying to squeeze your foot into a shoe...

...when I should have been easing them into the box.

So no, I'd say I'm anything but fresh.

You want to tell John Henry over there to give the $100 pumps a rest?

Your ad says, "courteous service."

But that's not my ad, ma'am. That's the former owners.

He was killed tragically on this very spot

...when a size-nine exploded in his face.

Come on, Arnold. We're leaving.

I want a balloon.

You've already got one.

So anyway, Al just keeps going on...

...about how something bad is gonna happen to him.

And I say, "Look, it's a simple operation.

What are the odds of something horrible happening to you?"

Mrs. Bundy, something horrible has happened to your husband.

It's one of those unfortunate accidents due to simple human error.

It seems our surgical team misread your doctor's instructions.

It said to give him a circular incision.

So how could you misread that?

We gave him a circumcision.

What?

Well, how much did they cut off, Dad?

By the way, I don't want anyone talking about this, especially you, Peg.

Come on, Al. I'm as embarrassed about this as you are.

Besides, who would I tell?

Hey, Stubby.

"The Best O' Bundy" will continue in a moment.

This is the seat of power...

...where Al rests his weary bones...

...after a long day at the shoe store.

Like the rest of Al's life, it's not much...

...but it is his sanctuary, his fortress.

And not a bad place to plan his revenge...

...for it is simply not in Al's character to accept his fate.

Rather, he lashes out at it with the mightiest weapon...

...at his disposal.

His mouth.

I don't know why we even need bras.

Well, I think it's to keep your breasts off the plate when you eat.

You know, if we put an apple in his mouth, we could have a luau.

No. He's got to go to work tomorrow and earn that big money.

You know who we have to blame for this whole bra problem?

-Me? -No. Men.

They design and manufacture bras, not for the bosoms that we have...

...but for the bosoms that they want.

What would happen if men had breasts?

We wouldn't need women anymore?

And if you had what other men have, I wouldn't need batteries anymore.

That's what happened to my Die Hard.

Every great man has his Achilles' heel.

Or in Al's case, his Achilles in heels.

Her name is Peg and she's always there for Al...

...much to his dismay.

This bed here is the scene and the subject...

...of some of their most heated battles.

It's the classic clash over the question of marital duty...

...with a Bundian twist.

Now sit up, shut up and brace yourself.

Oh, wait a second, Peg.

Remember, the kids are here.

Now, if you wanna have sex, they'll have to leave.

And if you want it to be good, you'll have to leave.

Gee, Al, I don't know about you, but I'm horny as hell.

Well, so am I, but you don't see me bothering you with it, do you?

What are you getting Peggy for Valentine's Day?

Fur? Jewels? A car?

If it was only that easy.

I'm going to have sex with her.

Yeah, it's kind of a tradition.

Every Valentine's Day I climb those stairs, you know...

...walk the last mile, and slam-dunk her one.

It's a spin through hell for me, but she seems to like it.

My tushy was yearning for you.

I want to be rubbed by you

Just you and nobody else but you

I wouldn't rub your tushy if Robin Williams popped out of it...

...and offered me three wishes.

Nobody loves me.

I care about you, pookie.

Really, Al?

Oh, yes.

Do I ever.

Just seeing you over there by the window...

...really turns me on.

Come to Daddy.

-Oh, Al. -Oh, God.

"The Best O' Bundy" will continue.

Over the years we've watched Al and Peg grapple...

...with the bewildering job of raising a family.

Growing up, dealing with sexuality, finding a worthwhile career.

If Al can't do it, why should the kids be any different?

Look what they want me to wear on my next Verminator commercial.

Daddy, I'm afraid if I keep doing this...

...people are going to think that I'm all body and no....

Mind?

No, I don't mind. Go ahead.

Kelly, Kelly.

An exciting, tempestuous youth of today.

Where is she going?

What is she doing?

And what is she talking about?

Well, Dad.

I guess this is au revoir.

Mom, Adidas.

The prostitution rests.

I just hope he doesn't make a testicle out of himself.

Daddy, it is so hot you could lay an egg on the sidewalk.

You can't be this dumb.

I can be anything I want to be. It's the '90s.

Who could not love Kelly's childlike simplicity?

Well, there's her brother Bud, for one.

Their charming sibling rivalry adds yet another lively dimension...

...to the Bundy household.

I'm off to the mall.

Hey, Kel, I see you're wearing your love-me-for-my-mind-outfit again.

My little man.

He looks just cute as a bug.

Hey, Bud, you know, if you had one more arm...

...you'd have a date for every night of the week.

I just thought it was time that I gave something back to the community.

Well, judging by the lines at the free clinic, you already have.

Good things do come in small packages.

Well, then you should have him turn around.

Picture, if you will, a young man...

...in his sexual prime.

Raging with testosterone...

...plying every woman he meets with his animal charm...

...and you have Bud Bundy.

Hello.

I know you models are always watching your weight.

Care for a Bud Light?

I'm sorry, but I think you've mistaken me for someone...

...who would speak to someone like you.

Strike one.

Hello.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I'm your new boyfriend.

Well, I'm your new ex-girlfriend.

Reginald Bundy, critic for the Times.

You know, I get so few chances to see films with the public.

This time I want to watch a film exactly as the people do.

So if you don't mind....

We will return to "The Best O' Bundy" after these messages.

Neighbors.

Where would we be without them?

Resting quietly, one supposes.

However, this is Married with Children...

...and when Al's neighbor Marcie comes to call...

...the result is usually a deafening volley...

...of sophisticated bons mots and witty repartee.

Al Bundy, what do you think you're doing?

Going blind if you stand up.

Excuse me, but doesn't anybody know this is against the law?

So is dressing up a chicken and calling it your wife.

I am not a chicken.

Why does he keep calling me a chicken?

Here's something I bet you haven't heard...

...from a woman in a long time.

Fill her up.

Or do I have to confirm the rumors and tell you where to put the nozzle?

Can you please tell me what a woman's body...

...has to do with selling beer?

Since men buy beer...

...the sponsors have to cater to what we want, and--

Hold on to your corncob pipe.

--we like pretty women.

Ergo, pretty women sell good products...

...ugly women sell tennis rackets.

Pretty women, cars.

Ugly women, minivans.

Pretty women make us buy beer.

Ugly women make us drink beer.

It would be easy to think of Al Bundy's life...

...as a catalog of failure.

Incredibly easy, in fact.

But in the spirit of charity...

...let us turn now to a few of those rare moments...

...when, against all odds...

...Al manages to snatch triumph from the jaws of humiliation.

Mr. Bundy.

I'm Bill.

Hello, Bill. I'm Al Bundy. I'm Kelly's father.

This is some weather we're having here, isn't it, Bill?

It's funny, but it's almost 1:00 in the morning...

...and you were kissing my daughter.

Oh, darn, Bill, it's so late I thought that'd be open.

There you go.

Would you care to try your luck, Mr...?

Bundy. Al Bundy.

I like a man who's on top of things.

And I like a woman with things on top.

Tell her, Peg.

Tell her who the good looking stud is, who has the neighborhood women...

...shaving their mustaches.

It can't be. I'm going outside.

There's got to be someone else out there.

What did they say about me?

Well, they said you had the arms of a blacksmith...

...and the legs of a god.

Did they say anything about my butt?

I was bending over an awful lot out there.

Did anyone notice? Did they?

-They liked it, Dad. -Yes.

Touch the tush that set Chicago afire.

Well, if you don't mind.

And now on to you, honey.

Tell me, is that money in your pants, or are you--?

Well, let's face it.

It could only be money.

Yep.

There's another kind of green in my underwear now, Peg.

However, we may rest assured that our champion of the Everyman...

...never will be in danger of achieving fame and fortune on a permanent basis.

For no matter what happens...

...during the first 20 minutes of the program...

...Al's fate has been sealed by the evil Bundy curse.

A condition which guarantees...

...that his existence will always remain...

...a living hell.

So long, everybody.

You're flying first class. Let's act like you've done this a couple of times.

Hey, waitress.

Oh, no.

Peg, a bathroom should be cold, white, soothing. It should say:

"Step up to the bowl, partner, and make it a double."

We go west, past the cheese factories, where the air is fresh...

...the sky is big...

...and a man can still kill his dinner with his car.

God, you're killing me. No. No. No.

Which one of us has the firmest heinie?

Oh, I'm blind.

Peg. Peg. Mommy.

Peg.

I can't move my legs.

Someone shoot me.

Then there are those events in Al's life that defy classification.

Moments that can only be described as "the best of Bundy."

No eat, no drink, no money have I now.

Well, at least there's one thing they can't take away from me.

Al, this is really no fun unless you join us.

Well...

...okay.

Here comes Daddy.

Al.

Al.

Coming.

It's enema time.

Oh, God, I can't wake up.

Help me!

So there you have it. The all-American family.

The Bundys.

Each week they inspire us and amuse us.

They make us laugh and they make us think.

They are the mirror...

...in which we see ourselves, warts and all.

Imperfect...

...and yet perfect in our imperfection.

Or something like that.

They may have their squabbles, their disagreements...

...the occasional two-squad-car brawl....

...but more importantly, they have each other.

And most importantly, we have them.

I'm George Plimpton.

Thank you, and good night.

You know, Peg, it's kind of nice sitting here like this with you.

How many beers did you have tonight, Al?

Ten.

So I guess we're about a six-pack short of sex, huh?

At least.