Original subtitles

Bud, you said tonight was going to be special...

...but all we've done is watch bass fishing.

April, this is special.

This is Bassapalooza.

Okay, I admit it.

I had another reason for asking you here tonight.

Will you go with me to the spring formal at Trumaine?

-That'll be great. -You don't have to apologize.

I don't even know why--

-You'll go? -Yeah.

Well, why?

Bud, I've liked you from the first time you walked up to my window...

...at Mrs. D'Arcy's bank.

You weren't one of those jerks who carries quarters...

...in their front pocket just to impress me.

How immature.

One thing, though. Do not tell Mrs. D'Arcy about the dance.

Friday she's giving me my final teller-trainee exam.

If she hears I'm gonna ditch it, she'll kill me.

I won't say a word.

-See you on Friday? -Yeah.

I did it, Buck. I got a date, boy.

You call that a date?

Meet me and the Johnson's schnauzer behind the 7-Eleven tonight...

...and I'll show you a date.

Daddy, thank you for a great meal.

Yep, I love the Beef Bistro.

How many places are left if you don't want the vegetable...

...they substitute another steak?

Now, Al, don't go to sleep.

You know our deal.

When you get beef, I get beef.

Peg, when you get beef, I get the heebie-jeebies.

Mom, I have big news.

I just asked April to my spring formal.

And she said no.

Honey, you don't have to explain. It's okay.

What you need right now is a nice hot cup of cocoa.

Al, make the boy some cocoa.

Well, I guess you're not getting any cocoa...

...but then again, I'm not getting any beef.

Mom, where you going?

Upstairs to get some Hamburger Helper.

-This is Oliver Cole-- -And Mark Campbell.

--here on the voice of Trumaine College, W-H-I-P Radio.

And for those of you on the football team, that spells "whip."

This is The Mark and Oliver Show...

...where our motto is, "Together, we're still not as fat as Rush Limbaugh."

Now, remember, we're gonna be giving away free limo service...

...to this Friday's spring formal...

...to the student with the most pathetic reason for wanting it.

You're on the air.

-Yeah, this is Bud Bundy, I'm trying-- -Bud Bundy?

We have our winner.

Tune in Saturday for our informative interview with Trumaine's new dean.

Informative? Hell, it's gonna be pure sleaze.

We've dug up enough dirt on this mystery man...

...to make a luau pit for Anna Nicole Smith.

-We have? -Yes. We have.

Mark, you can't slander the dean like this. You could get expelled.

You're right. Where the heck would I be without you, buddy? Thanks.

Remember, folks, my partner Oliver will be dissing the dean...

...right after the Trumaine basketball game...

...featuring the debut of our Chechen superstar center, Nickolai Pushkin.

He's big. He's bad. He's a commie.

Guess what. He's right here.

Hey, Nickolai...

...Mark didn't mean anything by that commie crack.

Guys, I need help. I have painful female problem.

I hear cranberry juice will clear that little puppy right up.

No, I mean, I have trouble with girl I date.

She is so cute.

Such good teeth.

-You said "teeth," right? -Yes.

Breasts are a dime a dozen. Good teeth are hard to find.

But I find out my girl go to spring formal with other guy.

What I should do?

You should forget about her. I mean, look at you, man.

You're the biggest hunk in Chicago.

You should be bagging more panties than a clerk at Victoria's Secret.

Or if you don't wanna be popping penicillin for life...

...you ask your special girl if she'll go steady and hope she says yes.

Oh, she will.

Next time you see Nickolai, he will be going steady with April.

Later, radio dudes.

Do they let everybody into this country?

Why, hello, Dean Rhoades.

Hello, boys, I just heard your show.

-You thought it was funny? -Not remotely.

Before I came here, I looked up your grades.

Now, that's entertainment.

Look, this is gonna be my first radio interview at this college...

...and I don't want you future fry cooks to screw it up.

That's why I'm here.

Well, that and the cheerleader tryouts in the quad.

So before they get to the cartwheels...

...I wanna give you the spontaneous questions you'll be asking me.

You want us to do a sham interview?

We may only be students, but we have principles.

Me too. Never be late for cheerleader tryouts.

Oh, and it's windy too.

All right.

Say, "Toes."

-Toes. -Toes.

Why toes?

Well, in Wanker County, that's where cheese comes from.

That's our limo.

April...

...tonight you are my queen.

And the man on the other side of this door is our humble lackey.

You're driving a limo?

It was Marcie's idea.

She promised I'd be rubbing shoulders with major celebs.

So far, it's just been a bunch of horny college boys...

...that think it'll help them get lucky.

What a crock.

-Does it work? -Yep.

Especially when they-- When they tip me to run out of gas...

...just as a good Barry White song comes on.

Cool.

April, tonight I'm gonna sweep you off your feet.

Thank you, Mr. D'Arcy.

Hey, remember our deal.

You won't tell Mrs. D'Arcy where I was tonight...

...and I won't tell her you slow-danced with the homecoming queen.

Where am I?

Is the dance over?

It is for you.

Did I have a good time?

Sure, if you consider having one beer...

...and passing out in the refreshments a good time.

Bud...

...while you were hurling picante sauce into the ficus...

...Nickolai asked me to go steady.

Nickolai Pushkin?

The basketball player with the huge feet?

I knew I'd never have a shot at going steady with you.

You wanna go steady?

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

So-- So, what do you say?

I say...

...before I commit to either of you I need some time to think.

Okay, I understand.

We all have to be adults about this.

By the way, Russians have tails, you know.

Look it up.

Okay, boys, remember:

Stick to my prepared questions and you'll live to graduate...

...and move back home with your parents.

Ready?

This is Oliver and Mark, live with Dean Rhoades.

What up, collegians?

So tell me, dean...

..."how does it feel to be so powerful and yet so damned good-looking?"

Feels good. Feels damn good.

April, before my post-game radio program...

...I must find a way to show you how much you mean to Nickolai.

Nickolai, you sent me flowers?

Excuse me. Excuse me. These flowers are from me, Bud.

You see, the card reads, "I love you truly."

Not, "Nice kitty, rough tongue."

Bud.

April, I need to know.

Do we go steady, or must I nail many cheap sluts to forget you?

April, I mean--

April...

...I need to know.

Are we gonna go steady...

...or must I watch many cheap sluts on Baywatch to forget you?

Well....

There you are, young lady.

You have been dodging my calls since last night.

Now, how do you explain skipping the teller exam...

...to go to a party with Bud?

Well, I skipped the teller exam to go to a party with Bud.

Look, April, you cannot be a successful banker...

...if all you think about is men.

You have to find yourself first...

...and then you can look for a boyfriend...

...or Bud.

Now, come with me, I'll give you a makeup exam.

Oh, my God, that's my ex-husband.

That's Steve.

For our next spontaneous question, dean:

"Was it your impressive résumé that got you this job...

...or your penetrating blue eyes?"

It was a ragout of eyes and résumé, with a dash of rapier wit.

Please, I did some checking.

Two months ago, you were the chauffeur for the college president.

How do you explain your meteoric rise?

That's not one of the spontaneous questions.

I don't suppose it had anything to do with this picture you took...

...of said president showing his school spirit to the team mascot.

This interview is over.

Consider yourselves expelled.

You will never study in this town again.

Steven Bartholomew Rhoades.

Oh, no.

I can't believe you are pushing 18-year-olds around.

What will you do for an encore?

I think I'll look at our wedding photos and try to find your breasts.

You're gonna have to look pretty hard...

...because they're hidden under your gorgeous cousin's hands.

You're not gonna let my ex get away with this.

Of course not. We're gonna go about our lives as if none it happened.

Hello, Starbucks? You got any openings?

Yeah, well, in the '60s, we would have protested this kind of injustice.

You know, bar the doors. Seize the mikes.

Tear the roof off this sucker.

What do you say, Mark?

I'm not sure. I might have to go to coffee school in the morning.

That's a yes.

Well, what are we waiting for? To the airwaves.

Honest students and scum-sucking administrators.

Two righteous bros have been expelled just for exposing the truth...

...which we have proof of.

So we have liberated this station and we will broadcast non-stop...

...until they are back in school...

...and ex-limo flunky Steve Rhoades admits he's a weenie.

Steve Rhoades, give in to our demands now.

The students have been mobilized. You are surrounded.

So these are your radicals?

Odd.

I don't hear anyone chanting, "Attica, Attica."

Attica! Attica!

One guy.

Don't worry. They will come.

One guy.

Shall we discuss the terms of our surrender?

No, Mrs. D'Arcy, this is my fight.

Well, actually it's your fight, I just stupidly got caught up in it.

But I'm ready to take it. I'm gonna light up these phone lines.

That's great. That gives me time to get a gas mask and a mocha latte.

Students, faculty, people whose radio dials are stuck.

Let me quote for you the bylaws of our besieged radio station.

In article B, section two: "Procedures for Binding Arbitration."

He's killing us.

Yeah, well, you should see him on a date.

Why don't you stay here while I think of a way to get our audience excited.

Solid.

I just don't know who to choose. I mean--

Nickolai, you're so strong...

...and, Bud, you're so cute.

Is Nickolai not cute?

Oh, yes.

And my body melts from your searing kisses.

--pursuant to FCC code 117-V, paragraph six.

But I don't have to tell you that.

What about my kisses?

They sear.

You can ask anybody I've kissed.

Ask--

-Ask-- -Your mother?

Let's do it, punk.

I accept your apology.

They have come.

They have come.

Get out of here. What's the matter with you people?

April.

Before I met you...

...a hot date was when my rubber woman got her thigh stuck on the radiator.

In Chechnya, we can't afford rubber woman.

We have to draw happy face on inner tube.

I don't blame you. I've seen Russian women.

As long as you say you're sorry.

April, I'm 21 years old and I've only had sex four times.

You told me you've been involved with hundreds of women.

But they weren't real--

--ly important to me. Like you are.

Mr. Bud?

Hey, you'll get your shot, Hoop Dreams.

April, please choose me.

I'm tired of sitting home Saturday nights...

...moaning in two different voices so my sister won't tease me.

-Bud. -What is it?

We are on the air.

Yes, you are.

Of course.

You've been listening to Hot Talk With...

-April. -...April.

If you'd like to keep this program on the air, call the station...

...or better yet, come down here and get in Dean Rhoades' face.

April, will you take some calls for us here?

You're on the air with April.

Hi, my name is Sandy and I really think you should choose Nickolai.

Thank you. Next.

Yeah, my name's Jill and I think you should choose Bud.

Thank you.

You're on Hot Talk.

Yeah, hi. My name is Kelly Bundy and I think you should choose Nickolai.

Look, Nick, Bud, I know you want my answer...

...but it's such a hard choice.

I mean, if I choose Nick, I would be the envy of every girl in Chicago.

If I choose Bud...

...Nick would beat you to a bloody stump.

I wouldn't care.

Oh, you would care.

The people are with us. We've raised their consciousness.

Power to the people! Power to the people!

Take off your shirt!

Well, guys, I think Mrs. D'Arcy may just be right.

I mean, maybe I need to find myself before I find a boyfriend.

-Do you understand? -Perfectly.

What did she say?

She's dumping us both, man.

-Let's go have a beer. -Okay.

But an O'Doul's for you, little friend.

Hot Talk! Hot Talk! Hot Talk! Hot Talk! Hot Talk!

Well, it's working. They're hanging the dean in effigy.

That's not effigy. They're really stringing him up.

I've decided, out of my own sense of decency, to give into your demands.

Mark and Oliver are back at school and on the radio station.

But you have not heard the last of me.

April, I heard what you said about me being right.

So I guess this means you want to be a banker?

Not exactly.

I wanna go to Trumaine and work at this radio station.

But you've only done that for five minutes.

And look, I'm really good at it.

Fine. Then I'll just find someone else to work under me.

Oh, Nickolai!

And the fact that Trumaine is a land-grant college...

...protects the station's freedom of speech...

-...along with assembly... -Oliver. Oliver.

-...religion-- -Oliver, you can stop now.

Dean Rhoades has given in.

You mean, I did it. I won. I moved them with my compelling oratory?

Yeah, you're the man.

Guess what else?

Our little radio station has found an audience, my friend.

You know what that means? We are a hit.

Well, this is great news.

But now that we have power, we must be careful not to abuse it.

Oh, we won't.

-This is Mark Campbell. -This is Oliver Cole.

And this is April Adams.

Tune in tomorrow, when we'll make surprise phone calls...

...to wives of professors who sleep with students.

We have names. We have numbers. We have...

...arrived.