Original subtitles

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Bud. How was work?

You know the line on the floor of the vehicle services office...

...that takes you from the eye test to the road test?

I like that line.

Well, last week my boss hired his nephew to repaint it.

-That sounds easy. -Yeah, sure...

...for those of us who aren't 20 minutes out of rehab.

The glue-meister, however, decided to paint his line...

...straight from the front door right to automatic renewals.

I just hope we caught it before it caused any real damage.

And today on the Eisenhower Expressway...

...there was a 78 car pile-up...

...caused by a 5-year-old manning a cement mixer.

The driver, who was identified only as Timmy, was not arrested...

...because he had a valid driver's license.

Hey, Peg.

Did you see the horrible news?

Yeah. A 78 car pile-up.

No, not that news. Shoe News.

Shoe News is the only publication that reaches the entire shoe community.

Well, that and Big 'Uns.

But look, Luke Ventura got his name...

-...and his picture in it. -Who's Luke Ventura?

He's some guy who used to work with me at Gary's Shoes.

He was always sucking up to the boss and brownnosing.

He worked overtime, he was polite to the customers...

...and he actually sold a shoe from time to time.

Yeah.

But look at the luck the SOB is having.

Peg, that should be my picture in there.

Hey, guys.

Guess what we're doing down at the Larry Storch School of Acting?

Merging with the Slappy White School of Acting?

Oh, Bud, you're home.

I didn't see your Big Wheels parked out in the driveway.

Anyway, Larry gave us this great assignment.

I get to make a movie.

Do the words, "Does Dallas," appear anywhere in the title?

Aren't you late for your nightly lurk around the newsstand or something?

Anyway, Larry says that it's as good to be behind as well as in front...

...of the camera.

But I can't start my movie until I have an idea.

Hey, Daddy, do you know anything?

I know that Luke Ventura is in Shoe News and I'm not.

I should be there and he should be here being your daddy.

There's no shot of that, is there, Mom?

Come on, Dad, you have to know something else.

Pumpkin, I don't have time to know anything else.

It's a full time job just keeping the tears in my head.

Now we're a two-job, no-income family.

I gotta find an idea for my movie.

Movie.

That's it. That will get me into Shoe News.

A movie about shoes.

If only I had an idea.

If only I had a camera.

If only I had a hammer.

So Al and Kelly actually made a movie about shoes?

Yeah, but they prefer to call it a shoe-cumentary.

I'm kind of worried about Kelly, though.

How is she gonna get to the next level at the Larry Storch School...

...if she doesn't pass this assignment?

The Larry Storch School has a next level?

Yeah, next year is acting from the waist up.

Great news, Peg. We just edited our film.

We cut it from eight hours to a clean three-and-a-half minutes.

Well, seven of those hours we didn't know the camera was on, so....

Al, may I speak with you in private?

Is this about your rose bushes?

-If it is, I heard a dog barking out there. -Not that.

How could you use your own daughter to make a stupid movie about shoes?

Excuse me, Mrs. D'Arcy, but our shoe movie is not stupid.

It is genius.

We even entered it into the Hammond Indiana Film Festival.

We're gonna be the biggest show biz family since Betty and Barry White.

Wait a minute, that film festival is sponsored by...

...the National Endowment for the Arts.

They're offering $10,000 to the best film...

...which will be ours.

Al, those grants were intended for starving and destitute artists.

Well, we are starving.

I'm not a destitute. I've never taken money for--

Guard the film, pumpkin.

Look, Al, I'll grant you the NEA has done some silly things in the past...

...but no way, no how, will they accept a ridiculous movie about shoes.

And now, ladies and gentlemen...

...the world premiere of Shoes.

Shoes is a taut and gripping film in the Warhol tradition.

Oh, please.

Will the gentleman in the third row please sit down and stop heckling.

Now you've done it. Now you've gone and ticked off my husband.

Shut up.

Millions of years ago, man emerged from the ocean...

...and took his first steps on dry land.

This of course was to escape from women...

...and other blood-sucking sea creatures.

Sheos.

Shoes.

Remember? E before O except before E-I-E-I-O.

This is beyond redemption.

Peg, is that a yellow M&M down there on the floor?

Well, I don't see an M&M, Al.

The cave people had to put something on their feet.

They tried many things.

Tried many things.

Tried many things.

Many things.

Those are my dummies.

Oh, please.

And then one day, legend has it, the great shoe man in the sky...

...who once scored four touchdowns in a single game, intervened.

When this is over, try to stay at least 10 feet from Al...

...that way you won't get hit by the first burst.

Some claim there was no great shoe man in the sky.

Others say the answer won't be known until the other shoe drops.

Rosebud.

-Bravo. -Bravo.

-Bravo. -Bravo.

Bravo.

They won? Sheos, the movie, actually won?

Yup. First place.

The NEA actually gave Al and Kelly a check for $10,000.

This is an outrage.

That money could have gone for something much more useful...

s...like jailing the homeless.

Well, it's not like it's theirs to waste.

They have to use the money they won to make another movie.

Another one?

Yeah. But, of course, Al didn't realize that until he'd spent a $1000 on beer.

Thanks for signing my inner thigh, Mr. Bundy.

Now, now, Babette...

...we promised not to speak of such things in front of Les Miserables.

So the NEA actually gave you $10,000.

They did.

-This is exactly why I'm a Republican. -Oh, really?

I thought it was because of the drinking and wife-swapping parties.

That's never been proven.

Al, I thought you did this to get into Shoe News.

Oh, no, Peg.

No, this is much bigger than Shoe News.

Well, see, Peg, all my life, I've always wanted to find something that--

That I was good at.

And the other night in that theater...

...when I heard the applause, felt the love...

...I knew then what my true calling would be.

Zoo exhibit?

Cheap and tawdry film.

And if all goes according to plan, I'll be leaving for Hollywood.

Where when a guy has a successful film, he leaves the wife.

Hey, Daddy, I have these storyboards ready.

Good work, pumpkin.

All right, now as you recall, the name of our new movie...

...is A Day in the Life of a Shoe Salesman.

Yes, but aren't you gonna start with the short cartoon...

...A Day in the Sex Life of a Shoe Salesman?

Oh, I'm really gonna miss you, Peg.

Well, not if I buy a scope.

-Go ahead, pumpkin. -All right.

Now these stick figures represent what you go through in the course of a day.

That's good, pumpkin, but, you know, it just doesn't say Al.

If you shorten that stick there, it will.

You know, Peg, have I told you today how much I love you?

-No, Al. -Okay.

See, pumpkin, what I was saying, it needs something.

It's too linear and too straight.

Needs bigness. Roundness.

Fullness.

Firmness.

Oh, God, I could die right now.

You would if Mom was here.

Why do we have to be in bikinis, Mr. Bundy?

My dear, I'm not going to lie to you.

The integrity of the scene calls for it.

Okay.

That and the crew really loves it.

Daddy? Yeah.

I just finished looking over your rewrite of the script.

Now granted I'm not here every day...

...but how often do four women in bikinis...

...just kind of wander on in to buy shoes?

About as often as the guy with an IQ of 16...

...gets to meet a bunch of presidents.

What's your problem?

Daddy, the point is, is that when we did Sheos...

...we were being true to our subject and to ourselves.

Now this is not art.

I may not know art, but I know what I like.

Sorry, ma'am, but we're closed.

Well, how come they're buying shoes?

Why, look at them.

I see. So if I come back wearing a bikini, you'll sell me some shoes?

Ma'am, if you get into a bikini, I'll give you some shoes.

Deal.

Bye-bye.

Al, we gotta hurry.

All right now, girls, here is the scene.

You're in the shoe store...

...you're laying down.

Why are we laying down?

Well, you're tired.

You've been shopping all day.

That makes perfect sense.

Daddy, what does this have to do with selling shoes?

Everything. Now go away.

Yo, Bob Rooney here.

Hi, it's me, Ike.

-Hey, Ike. What's up? -Nothing much.

Hey, listen, I thought of a catch phrase for the movie poster:

Hasta la vista, shoe man.

Loving it. Loving it.

I'll run it past the big guy.

Excuse me.

-Hello? -Al.

Ike just called with an idea.

I know, he's right here, you scrub brush.

What was I thinking of when I bought you guys phones?

Hey, I didn't get a phone.

All I got was this beeper.

"Call Griff."

-Hey, Al, can I use your phone? -No!

-I got a-- -No, no, no, no!

Guys, focus, focus!

Places, everyone, places!

A Day in the Life--

A Day in the Life of a Shoe Salesman, take one.

And action.

Cut!

See, Alderman Kuczxynski.

This is exactly where our tax money is going...

...to finance stupid films like this made by idiotic filmmakers like him...

...and Steven Seagal.

Hi, sugar cakes. Remember me?

Sugar cakes is my given name.

Well, aren't you going to stop this?

No, he is not, Marcie.

You see, the NEA gave me money for me to make a movie of my life.

If you want to see a movie of your life...

...I suggest you go rent Rooster Cogburn.

Where did you learn to light a breast?

That's it. I'm calling Washington.

Bite me.

All right, places, everyone. Places, please. Places.

A Day in the Life of a Shoe Salesman, take two.

And action.

I'd like to buy some shoes and then make love to you.

Fine, but first...

...I must make love to these three here.

-Hold the phone. -What is it now?

Daddy, we're selling out.

Now as co-bigwig on this production...

...I cannot allow this abuse of power to go on any longer.

-I'm all set, Mr. Bundy. -Take your place.

Who's that?

He's playing the mall terrorist.

And action.

In local news...

...an 84 car pile-up was caused by a blind man or his German shepherd...

...one of whom was apparently driving an ambulance.

Again, no charges were filed as both had valid driver's licenses.

Hey, family.

Jefferson.

Rhode Island Red.

Do we know yet how much the NEA loved my movie?

Not yet, Al.

Funny, I sent it in over a month ago, I wonder what could have happened.

Yeah. They wouldn't treat Francis Ford Coppertop like that.

Yeah. You know, they're probably passing it around Washington...

...and Clarence Thomas got ahold of it and won't give it up.

They burned it, you cretin.

They put on their golf shoes and jumped up and down on it.

Oh, Al, you know how slowly the government works.

Remember last year? I didn't get Marcie's tax refund check until June.

I thought you said I owed.

Why does it always have to be about you?

Look, Daddy, don't worry.

Speaking as a student of the Larry Storch School of Acting...

...I can guarantee you that the NEA is gonna love it.

Today in the first unanimous decision by Congress in 105 years...

...the NEA has been dismantled due to their sponsorship of the film...

...A Day in the Life of a Shoe Salesman.

Didn't you hear the news, Dad?

Yup.

Then why are you smiling?

Why, Peg?

Because it doesn't matter anymore, see?

I made Shoe News!