Original subtitles

And now live from the Cayman Islands, the Home Swapping Network.

Where you can swap that old crap you bought...

...from some other shopping network for some entirely new crap from us.

And they say there's nothing good on TV.

Hi, guys. You wanna catch a Woody Allen movie with me?

I don't know. Woody Allen's never really done it for me.

But then again, I'm not his step-daughter, so....

You know, besides, Al, Jefferson, and the rest of the fat pack...

...will be home soon from losing their bowling semi-finals.

Yeah, I wonder if they let Bud play this year.

-Why wouldn't they? -Well, he's an alternate.

Yeah, and he stinks.

Well, that's not fair. He sucks.

But-- But in his defense, he blows.

Well, here they come. Now, if you listen very carefully...

...you can actually hear the footfalls of failure.

Al, you won?

We are festooned and beribboned, are we not?

"Best of Breed"?

Well, Teddy's Veterinarian Clinic donated them.

Last year's winners got shots.

Last year's losers got neutered.

I thought you guys were last year's losers.

Hey, speaking of neutered, did Bud get to bowl?

Well, actually, pumpkin, he helped us in much more important ways.

Hi.

No, no, you guys, just relax. Relax, I got it.

No, let me help you there, son.

Just put them down there anywhere.

That's the best damn alternate in the league.

Well, men...

...one more victory and we bring home the Puggy Weaver Cup.

-The Puggy Weaver. -Can't wait.

Who's Puggy Weaver?

Only the most honored bowler in the history of Jim's Bowlerama.

He's dead now.

But he symbolized the Olympian ideal of pure competition.

-How did he die? -He choked to death...

...trying to swallow eight waffles.

We tried to stop him at seven, but he was going for the record.

What an athlete.

Get a grip, Bob Rooney.

All right, in 10 days we bowl for the championship...

...which means we start intense training.

Twinkies, Ding-Dongs and beer are in.

Protect your bowling arms at all times.

Sex before the match is out.

Unless, of course, you can keep it secret from the wives.

Lock it down!

For the eighth and final time, what are you morons doing?

Well-- Well, ma'am, if you had taken the time...

...to read page 19 of the sports section...

...beneath the high school track and field results...

...you would know that we, Gary's Angels...

...are bowling against A.J.'s Casketeria next week...

...for the prestigious Puggy Weaver Memorial Cup.

Good, because I thought this was the worst puppet show I've ever seen.

Now, what size am I?

Well, I'm no expert, but from where I sit, I'd say...

...too big for shoes.

I'll have your jobs for this.

Fine. If we can trade for what's in your fridge.

You know, this wouldn't be a bad job if people didn't come in here.

Hey, Al, do you mind if I knock off early?

Sure. Go ahead, buddy.

But remember, no sex.

Farthest thing from my mind.

I guess I'll tidy up around here a little bit.

Of course, there's not much you can do with one hand up in the air.

Except put the other one up.

Al?

Oh, you're in the bathroom, huh?

Al!

Your arm is down!

Wait, wait, wait a second.

What happened, Al? Were you robbed?

No, Kathy Ireland came in here, tied me up and we had wild sex all night.

Cool.

Same thing happened to me.

Untie me, you moron!

Hey, Al...

...your arm is down.

Hey. Hey, what happened?

-Well, apparently Kathy Ireland came-- -Shut up!

Jefferson, it was awful. Some guy came in here and tried to rob me.

He tried to make me open the register...

...and it had been so long I'd forgotten how.

Then he took me in here and he tied me up and I had to sit here all night...

...surrounded by shoes. Oh, it was awful.

Hey. Hey, I just had a thought.

Have you ever heard of stress-related illnesses?

No. What are those?

They're bull, but they've made people millions of dollars.

All you have to do...

...is say that you've been traumatized...

...and you can't work around shoes anymore and then sue.

-Sue? Sue who? -Everybody.

Believe me. Al, malls across America...

...set aside millions of dollars for just this type of frivolous lawsuit.

It's the American way, Al. And if these millions are not spent on lawsuits...

...they go to social security, then nobody gets it.

Jefferson, I'll do it.

Damn. I wish I'd been tied up and robbed.

Well, actually, I did get tied up.

But I didn't get robbed.

Hey, wait a minute!

Hey, Peg, guess what.

Al, before you go to work would you take out the trash?

No, Peg, you don't understand.

I've got something important to tell you.

I know it's not as important as Richard Bey...

...running around with a condom on his head, but it's all I got.

-What is it, Al? -I'm suing the mall, Peg.

All I gotta do is pretend I'm afraid of shoes...

...and not get caught wearing them, and they give me a bunch of money.

Bad news, Al. For some ungodly reason...

...they seem to be cracking down on frivolous lawsuits.

The mall just hired a private investigator.

He trailed me here. I tried to shake him at the nudie bar--

I mean....

I got here as soon as I could.

Look, they just wanna be sure that you're really afraid of shoes.

So how convincing can you be?

How convincing can I be?

Now, it may appear that I enjoyed that...

...when in actuality, I'm choking on my own bile.

You fooled me.

That's him. Okay, remember, stay cool.

Our lives are in your feet.

That's why life stinks.

Hi, I'm Leslie Baum, private investigator.

I represent the New Market Mall in your frivolous $4-million lawsuit.

Charmed.

Look, Bundy, I'll tell you straight out...

...I think you're a fraud.

Oh, yeah?

Well, with a name like Leslie, I think you're a sissy.

What was that?

"Come on in. Stay a week and try to disprove...

...my cockamamie little shoe story"? Don't mind if I do.

Hey, Baum, you can't just barge in here.

Well, why don't you just put on your shoes and kick me out?

You're damn right I will!

Will not...

...because...

...I'm afraid of shoes, you see?

Tell you what, Mr. Bundy.

You have one week to convince me that you are afraid of shoes.

I have one week to prove that you're the biggest fool alive.

Right now, my money's on me.

So feeling lucky, Bundy?

Let's rock.

Today on Geraldo:

People who survived being on Jenny Jones.

Mrs. Bundy, I couldn't help but notice that you're really attached to your TV.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't hear you.

My TV was talking.

You know, if you're willing to help me out here...

...there just might be a 40-incher in it for you.

Mr. Baum.

I meant a big-screen TV.

You mean, you want me to sell out the man that I've been married to for--?

Is that picture in a picture?

Well, I can't. I won't.

I'm telling you, Mr. Baum, Al really is afraid of shoes.

Look, Mrs. Bundy, I can spot a liar a mile away and I'll prove it.

For instance, take your son there.

Looks like he's reading, but if you'll notice, his eyes aren't moving.

That usually denotes that he's looking at a picture.

From the little beads of sweat on his forehead, I think it folds out.

He should be heading upstairs any time now.

Al, you gotta be careful. This guy is good.

Don't worry, Peg, all I gotta do is go three more days.

If I can serve 20 years with you, I can--

I can handle 72 hours with squirrel boy.

Al, quick, grab the bags. They moved the finals to tonight.

Zounds.

Well, we better hurry. Bud, ready our balls!

Men, to the alley.

One little problem, though, Mr. Bundy.

Don't you usually bowl in shoes?

He's right, Al.

It's time to:

He said, "Lose the scam."

It's not a scam. Don't worry, men.

I know a way to get my 4 million and the Puggy.

Al Bundy will not fail.

I wonder if Bundy and the shoe flies are even gonna show.

I don't know. In the high-pressured world of shoe sales...

...you just don't wake up and go.

Wait a minute. Who's bringing their work home?

Oh, it's just Bundy with no shoes on.

That's cute, Milt.

How's business?

-Dig up a new wife? -Come on. All right, come on.

We'll settle this on the alley of honor.

Fine, Bundy. We're gonna bury you.

And then we're gonna steal your watch.

Let's bowl, dead boys.

Okay. So, Al...

...what's this brilliant master plan that can't fail?

I am going to bowl...

...barefoot.

And?

That's it.

-Well, that's better than nothing. -That is nothing.

Don't worry about it. This championship is as good as ours.

You need shoes.

Why can't I bowl barefoot?

Because we had a guy in here who bowled barefoot...

...fell, got a splinter, and sued us for $1.5 million.

So the new rule is, you need shoes.

What are we gonna do?

Well, we're gonna have to go with our alternate.

Bud.

But he stinks.

He's my son!

Don't you think I know he stinks?

But he's a Bundy. I'll give him a pep talk, he'll bowl fine.

Bud boy. I need to talk to you, son.

What? Someone need to wipe their hands on the back of my shirt?

Son.

Remember that time you didn't make the Little League team...

...and you came home crying...

...and I said it was okay because you did your best?

-Yeah. -Well, that was a crock.

I was ashamed of you then and remain so to this day.

I'm gonna give you a second chance. I need you to bowl.

I need you to bowl well. I need you to win.

Can you do that for your pa?

-I haven't bowled for a while. I don't-- -He's in!

All right! Yes!

Go take a practice throw, son.

You see, that's the good thing about being a Bundy.

Even though the chips may be down and things look bad...

...every time we-- Incoming!

God, you stink!

Look, Bundy, I like you...

...so I took the liberty of securing you a pair of these.

Why, those are Air Earl Anthony 5000s.

The finest bowling shoes made.

Put them on.

Don't do it, Al. It's $4 million.

Let the games begin.

Now, son, listen to me very carefully.

Last frame.

We're down by nine.

You have two shots to knock all 10 pins down and we win.

Can you do it, son?

-Dad, I'm a little rusty. I don't-- -Piece of cake!

Come on, Bud. Come on.

Okay, Bud. Okay. Whatever you do don't leave a split.

Gee, I wonder what's gonna happen now.

Yes. He left a six-seven-ten.

He'll never be able to pick up the six-seven-ten. We won.

We're resurrected.

Stop!

Daddy's got a new pair of shoes.

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

You're the man.

Look, Peggy, the Puggy.

Can you feel the excitement?

No, Al.

As usual, when you're excited, I feel nothing.

It's the 4 million, isn't it?

Why did you do it, Al?

Why did you snuff out any hope at all for a better life?

Well, it's a guy thing, Peg.

I couldn't let a couple of bucks come between me and my friends...

...they wouldn't talk to me anymore and then I'd just have...

...you.

Hey, Al, hurry up. The winner's ball is starting.

Oh, and Griff has already eaten the crust off all the pies.

Oh, Peg, can life be better?

Sadly...

...pathetically...

...no.