Original subtitles

Steak again, Peg?

Well, that's four nights in a row.

Oh, I'm sorry, Al.

But steak is all that Kelly's secret admirer sent over.

I thought we had a lobster around here.

Wonder what could have happened to it.

No drawn butter? What do they think I am?

Bud, would you like some crème brûlée ?

-No, I don't want any crème brûlée. -Good. More for me.

Aren't you two curious about who is sending all this stuff?

I mean, some mystery guy sees Kelly on a commercial...

...starts lavishing us with presents.

-He could be a maniac. -Oh, Bud.

Maniacs don't send nice gifts like roses and chocolates...

...and Chanel No. 5.

I, for one, will not gorge myself on my sister's misfortune.

As you say.

Hey, guys.

Guess what my secret admirer brought for me today.

Twelve long-stem roses.

Al, how come you never send me roses?

I don't like you, Peg.

Anyway, Mom, I was at my audition for Easy-Off Jeans.

The jeans so tight, you're the only one who knows you're wearing pants?

Now, this is a nationwide commercial. I mean, all 13 colonies.

So naturally I was really nervous.

Then all of a sudden this delivery guy brings me these flowers.

Any pork?

No, Daddy, but the card said...

...that my secret admirer is gonna come over here today at 5:30.

Tell him to bring pork.

Dad, don't you know what that means?

He's stalking her.

I know, I've done this to women.

I mean, I mean, I know...

...I watch a lot of Eric Roberts' movies.

Budkenstein, first of all...

...following your hand to bed is not considered stalking.

And second of all, stalkers don't invite you to the opera.

Look.

"L.A. Boom."

That's La Bohème, you pincushion.

Mom, are you really letting Kelly go off with a complete and total stranger?

Look, Bud, I am a woman.

And we felines have a way of picking the right guy.

That's why nobody has picked you.

Now, trust me. I know a Mr. Right when I see him.

Kelly.

-Stitch, what are you doing here? -Kelly...

...I fear the chrome on the ball hitch of our love is flaking.

So tell me, you seeing someone else?

Is there a Kelly Bundy here?

-I'm Kelly Bundy. -I'm Kelly Bundy.

Thanks.

Just tell me, Kelly. I can take it. Are you seeing someone else?

Look, Stitch, it's nothing personal.

It's just that I found someone who knows how to treat me like a lady.

Hey, when we go out to dinner don't I let you talk in the clown's head?

Listen, Stitch, what my daughter is trying to say is that...

...she may not be ready for a commitment just yet.

But don't take it personally. Hey, I like you.

If you'd be happy with a friendship, instead of a relationship...

...you can come here whenever you want to.

I can't believe you guys are cleaning for a total stranger.

Hey, you find some rich guy who keeps us knee-deep in steaks...

...we'll clean for him too.

Hey, Al, I think this thing is broken.

Unlike many of your other devices...

...that one doesn't need batteries.

See, you plug that in.

But where?

Well, I could think of some places, Peg.

That must be Kelly's gentleman caller.

Oh, Al, a limo.

Take me.

Come on. Peg, I just ate.

He's here. He's here.

I have never been so nervous in my life.

I'm on the edge of my feet.

Kelly. Kelly. I'm gonna try this one last time.

-Please think about what you're doing. -Okay.

I'm thinking. I'm thinking. I'm doing.

Hello, Miss Bundy. My name is Robby Bennett.

I believe you're accompanying me to La Bohème.

-You're my secret admirer? -That's right.

Oh, you are one cool guy.

Robby, my man. Come on in, buddy. Have a seat.

Can I get you a drink? Yoo-hoo with a Bosco back?

A soda would be cool.

And for you, little missy, shall I warm your ba-ba?

Get away from me, demon seed.

Excuse me, Opie.

-Robby. -Of course.

Mom, Dad, what am I going to do?

Well, charm him and conveniently forget to sign the prenup.

Mom?

Well, he's kind of cute.

He's a fetus.

Here you go.

Well, Robby, just between you and me...

...Kelly always did like a man in uniform.

So are you in the Cub Scouts or Little League or anything?

Get over here, dung beetle.

Now, what am I going to do?

Okay, just answer me three questions, all right. One, how funny is this?

Two, who the man?

And three, how funny is this?

Somehow, some way, I will get you for this.

Robby, hi. I think we need to talk.

Isn't that cute, Al? They want to be alone.

Maybe we should go outside.

Kelly, before you say anything.

Would you excuse me for just a second?

As I was saying...

...you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

And I'd like to take you to my graduation dance.

Oh, Robby.

This is all very sweet and everything...

...but, you see, our love could never be.

I mean, it's a maturity thing. I mean, what are you, like 3?

Twelve and a half.

Well, Robby, I can't date a 12-year-old.

I mean, sure, when I was 6, but it's different now.

-Do you understand? -No.

-I don't understand. -Well, good, I'm gla-- What?

Do you think I gave you beef and roses just to get blown off?

The Bennett family motto is:

"We see it, we want it, we get it."

Well, the Bundy family motto is:

"It sees us, insults us, we kick its ass."

Do you know who my dad is?

Sure. Your father.

Well, yeah.

But he also owns Bennett Enterprises, which owns Easy-Off Jeans.

So here's the deal.

You're on my arm at the prom and you get the commercial.

You turn me down and I promise you...

...you'll never work in this town again.

Bud, you're my manager.

You're supposed to be opening doors for me.

Now, what am I paying you 55 percent for?

How was I supposed to know you were gonna start saying no to men?

All right, so you dance with a guy who comes up to your navel.

It'll prepare you for later on in your showbiz career...

...when you're dancing with Stallone or Cruise or k.d. lang.

Well, I guess you're right.

I mean, it's obvious that this kid has some power, so...

...I might as well go to the dance with him.

-There you go. -And what's the big deal, anyway?

Lots of starlets go out with younger guys, right?

Cher, Madonna, Liberace.

I mean, it's just a junior prom.

I can do this with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back.

That's sort of like one of your real dates then, right?

You're fired.

Whoa, look what Robby brought.

She's huge for a sixth-grader.

I heard her talking outside. I think she just got held back.

I bet you they're fake.

-Fun punch? -Groin kick?

Okay, Robby, this is how it's going to be.

You have two hours.

No talking, no touching.

If you ever call me your "main squeeze" again...

...you will not live to see your face clear up.

Fine. I only have one rule.

You have to dance every dance with me.

-Then do I get the commercial? -Deal.

And wait till you hear the DJ.

I found him in one of those hip-hop dance clubs.

I hear he's slamming.

Now, you don't mind if I make a few adjustments...

...to your song list now, do you?

Hello, departing graduates of Gale Sayers Middle School.

Hello, Principal Alburton.

Oh, Robby. Nice catch.

And now, please welcome tonight's happening rapping DJ...

...Rockafella.

Yo, yo, yo. DJ Rockafella's in the house.

Hold the bus. I know that house.

Now, tonight, instead of the usual phat beats and bass lines...

...I thought we'd slow it down a little as a tribute to the Walrus of Love...

...Mr. Barry White.

Let's dance.

-But this is a slow song. -You said, every dance.

DJ Rockafella's sending shouts-out to all the players over there...

...and all the fly honeys over here.

But I'm giving mad props to my boy Robby...

...and to his lady of the night.

I mean, of tonight.

Bud, you've got to help me.

Hey, I would like to, but you fired me.

And I only took this gig to make ends meet.

Okay, okay, you're unfired. Now just get me out of this.

-Play something fast. -Okay.

But I want 80 percent.

And I want a photo of you and Robby together.

Why?

In case someday I want 90 percent.

Okay, okay, just--

You know, Kelly, I have a birthday party coming up...

...and I bet you look pretty hot in a swimsuit.

I think I just might keep you.

Look, Macaulay, this is America.

And nobody owns anybody in America.

Except for maybe the guy who is married to Anna Nicole Smith.

You certainly do not own me.

Well, then I guess you don't care about your career.

Not if it means kissing your little Power Ranger butt.

You know, I have a mind to tell your father about this.

Go ahead. My father has no control over me.

I'm almost 13. I do and say what I want, when I want.

And now, boys and girls, Principal Alburton.

I'd like to introduce a very special guest...

...and the power behind King Robby, his dad, Bennett J. Bennett.

Hello, son.

Hi, Dad.

-New tie? -Yup.

Same old belt though.

But we'll talk about that later.

Thanks for the phone call, homey.

-Word up. -I owe you.

Hey, listen, Kelly gets that jeans gig and we'll call it even.

Done.

Let's go, son.

Another time-out, Dad?

Maybe. If the belt unravels.

Hey, thank you, Bud.

Any time, Kel.

Hope I didn't embarrass you too much out there.

-It's okay. -Really?

Well, let's try this then.

Now, boys and girls, I'd like to read a little excerpt...

...from Queen Easy's royal diary.

"November 43rd.

Today I developed a rather embarrassing personal problem."

Won't you at least have a pork chop, Bud?

No, I don't want any of your tainted pork.

Does no one but me worry that Kelly's now dating Robby's dad?

The guy's 20 years older than her.

Are you never happy?

Thank you for taking me to Madame Butterfly, Bennett.

It's kind of disappointing though. I mean, there was no caterpillar...

...there was no cocoon...

...there was no struggle to break free in the spring.

God, you're beautiful.

-Oh, Al, isn't this sweet? -The sweetest.

Anyway, Kelly, I just want to say...

...that I've really fallen for you these last few weeks.

You're everything I've ever wanted in a woman.

You're young and blonde and young.

Will you marry me?

Would you excuse me for just a minute?

Mom, how do you know if someone is Mr. Right?

Well, when you're with him do you hear bells?

No.

Oh, it doesn't matter. He's rich, marry him anyway.

-Daddy, what do you think? -Gary.

Yeah. Al Bundy. Remember me?

I used to work for you when we were poor.

Yeah, we're moving on up.

That's right, to the east side.

Well, how about it, Kelly?

Will you be my wife?

-Well, I-- -Kelly.

Something is still not right.

I can't shake this feeling that there's someone else.

But in case our love can never be...

...I wanted you to have this.

Oh, Stitch, you are much man.

I'm sorry, Bennett.

But as the Chinese philosopher Unconscious once said:

"It is better to have loved and lost...

...than to have never seen Lost In Space at all."

Well, in seven years she would have been 30.

Think we should tell Dad?

No, I mean, look at him.

When will you ever see him that happy again?