Original subtitles

Look at it, Jefferson.

The elegance, the form, the sheer grace of motion.

The triumph of the human spirit.

And now, on Monster Trucking:

Tyrannosaurus Wreck will attempt to mow over nine flaming prison buses.

Boy, PBS has really changed since the Republicans took over.

Hey.

-Mail's here. -What'd we get?

Well, you've got bills.

I got fan mail.

Oh, and I think we all know what little handyman...

...gets Self Touchers Quarterly.

And this is for you.

Oh, a letter from the Office of Bingo Affairs.

No doubt a part of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco...

...and Useless Blood-Sucking Spouses.

Al, I have been invited to the Windy City Bingo Invitational.

You know what this means?

The couch is in danger of flying away?

This is the World Series of bingo.

Top prize is $10,000.

Well, I think it's exciting, Peggy.

So you'll come to the tournament with me?

Oh, well, I would...

...but I can't. You see, bingo brings up sad memories for me.

I had a dog named Bingo once...

...who died a tragic death.

I thought you had a cat named Gringo that lived to be a hundred.

Well, then I guess I can go.

Thank you so much, honey pot.

Peggy, do I have time to go home and freshen up and amend my will?

Sure. The tournament isn't until next Tuesday.

Don't worry, Al, this isn't gonna cost you one red cent.

Good.

Give me $300.

What for?

-Bingo clothes. -You--

Here, you Denver boot of a woman.

Hey, Peg, don't forget about dinner.

Steak? Sounds great. Thank you.

Bingo invitational. Jeez, the things that excite women.

And now a word from our sponsor, Girlie Girl Beer.

The official beer of NO MA'AM.

I hope this where the girls are washing their cars...

...and they turn their hoses on each other.

I hope it's the one where the girls are studying...

...and then they turn the hoses on each other.

Hi, I'm Yoko Ono...

...the new spokeshuman for Girlie Girl Beer.

Because we care about the environment...

...Girlie Girl Beer will donate one nickel per case...

...to save our vanishing rain forests.

And now, a song I've written.

Jefferson, give me the remote.

It wasn't enough breaking up the Beatles.

Now she's ruined our beer.

Jefferson, call an emergency meeting of the troops.

NO MA'AM must pick a new official beer.

What's going on in the garage?

Your father and the flab four are trying to come up with a new official beer.

You mean they finished their search for the official pork rind?

Peg?

We need something to cleanse the palate between beers.

Have you tried toothpaste?

No, Peg. Toothpaste is for people who kiss, smile or eat.

Well, if you kissed, you might eat.

Yeah, but I wouldn't smile.

"Do not sell after 1989."

Hell, I'm not selling, I'm eating.

Hey, listen, Dad.

As an outsider of NO MA'AM...

...and if there's a God, this family...

...why do a bunch of guys who are bleary when sober need an official beer?

Bud.

While NO MA'AM may look like a loose assortment...

...of foot pads, rakes and rapscallions...

...we are, in fact, a proud order of dignified men...

...who serve our community with honor and panache.

Hey, Al. Come quick.

Ike's got an atomic fireball stuck up his nose!

Again? Didn't he learn his lesson from the corn dog?

-Get the video camera. -And the Dirt Devil?

No, she's reading.

Al.

Just how long are you guys gonna be Jim Carreying around in there?

I need a ride to the bingo tournament.

No, Peg. We're picking a beer.

Can't you hitch a ride on Marcie's poultry wagon?

Al, the church is in a very dangerous neighborhood.

What could happen, Peg, a drive-by plucking?

Fine. Then don't take me.

But I'm gonna just bust up your little beer party here...

...and ask some stupid questions about sports.

Oh, get in the car, Peg.

And don't forget. You gotta pick me up at 9:00.

-Fine. -Al! Look!

We've got British ale.

Men, don't forget. British ale must be served warm.

This is charming, Peggy.

Thanks for inviting me.

And the women are wearing my favorite scent: dust.

Oh, just relax, Marcie. This is gonna be fun.

Sit down and soak up the ambiance.

There is now an open chair at table nine.

Maybe I'll just play with one of these.

Touch that marker...

...and you're gonna be eating through a straw like the rest of us.

Oh, well...

...I guess I'll just sit here until Al comes to pick us up...

...seven hours from now.

Squeak that chair one more time...

...and you'll wish you were never born like the rest of us!

I-28.

Peggy, I'm feeling a little uncomfortable around Brunhilda here.

Oh, that's just Ceil.

She's really nice once you get to know her.

Offer her a potato chip.

G-57.

Would you like a chip?

Back to business.

Beer will be judged by nose, body, taste and color of exit.

And remember, no drinking.

We will sip, swish and spit.

I'll sip and spit, but I ain't gonna swish.

You'll swish and like it.

We will now commence with the official NO MA'AM beer tasting.

Jefferson, would you do the honors, please?

Gladly.

Now, our first candidate comes from Asia Minor...

...is made from agave and bladderwort.

All right.

Our next beer is a fine Afghani ale...

...whose name loosely translated means "yellow mountain runoff."

Oh, hey, look.

There's a prize in every can.

I'd be careful about that prize stuff.

Remember what fell out of that Chernobyl beer.

What? That was an olive, right?

Sure, with an eyebrow.

All right, all right, all right, all right.

Let's forget about this wimpy foreign beer.

We're Americans. Let's drink American.

What's our first American beer?

Dos Equis!

N-41.

Peggy, I don't think I can sit here any longer.

Shut up.

Just relax, Marcie. This is the last game.

Whoever wins this one gets the big jackpot.

Shut up!

G-58.

Look, Peggy, all you need is one more square.

Yeah. But I never win anything. I just play for fun.

N-33.

Bingo! Bingo!

Oh, my God, bingo!

Congratulations, Peggy!

Shut up!

Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the $10,000 grand prize...

...Mrs. Peggy Bundy.

Oh, Peggy, what are you gonna do with $10,000?

Well, I think I'll give it to the needy.

Of course, I "needy" it all.

It's 9:00. Al should be pulling up soon.

Wait, Al, look it's 9:00.

When are we gonna stop sipping and start drinking some of this stuff?

Yeah, all this beer foreplay is making me thirsty.

What's foreplay?

About 10 seconds.

Then what's sex?

All right, men. Focus, men, focus.

All right, from now on we'll each drink a little beer.

But remember, we must still show decorum.

-Claudia Schiffer. -Pamela Anderson.

-Claudia Schiffer. -Pamela Anderson.

What is the problem?

You guys haven't thrown a frigging punch.

Hey, Al. I don't wanna box anymore.

Let's dance.

When you were dancing, you wanted to box.

Oh, but-- But when I was dancing...

...I didn't get to lead.

Get out there, you big happy boy.

Hey, Jefferson, I got a bad feeling.

Well, heck, you had about 40 beers.

It's-- It's a wonder you can feel anything.

No, I think I was supposed to do something around 9:00.

What time is it?

-It's 10:15. -Oh, then I probably already done it.

Hey, Bob Rooney. Go to the kidneys. Go to the kidneys.

Go to the bathroom. Go to the bathroom.

Well, staying true to his performance in bed...

...I think it's safe to say that Al has let me down again.

Unfortunately, in this case...

...I can't just reach into the night stand and get myself home.

Well, thank goodness we're in the comfort of a church.

Ladies, I gotta lock up. Get out.

I thought this was a sanctuary.

Yeah, until 11. After that, it's just another crime scene.

You don't understand. We don't have a ride home...

...and we're carrying $10,000 in cash.

Now, if you make us leave, there's no telling what will happen to us.

Oh, I know exactly what would happen to you.

But luckily, doctors today can reattach almost anything.

Take me. Would you believe this isn't my real--?

Peggy! I think we should call a cab.

You'll never get a cab this time of night.

You could get one in the morning...

...if you wouldn't mind shacking up with me.

I got a hot plate and some macaroni and cheese.

Marcie?

Look, dream date.

There's gotta be another way out of here.

There is one other way. My cousin Elmo drives a gypsy cab.

He can come and get you for $200.

I can't believe you are ripping us off in a sacred place.

God is gonna get you.

Yeah, there's so much more he can take from me.

Well, we are not paying $200 for a cab, you cave-dwelling pirate.

Suit yourself, bucko.

Sorry for the bumpy ride.

It's hard to steer when you're coming off drugs.

Hey, watch out!

Damn jogger.

Don't you think you should turn your headlights on?

Nope, but feel free to turn on yours.

I should report him. What's his name?

"Dan Rostenkowski"?

Why are you stopping?

Well, you see this thing here on my leg?

I go two more blocks, I'll violate my parole...

...we all explode together.

Which is something I've been hankering for...

...since you two hot mamas slid into my cab.

-I think we'll just get out here. -Fine.

My buddy Abdula will take you the rest of the way.

I find driving to be a really Zen experience.

I think the faster you go, the faster you get there.

I never knew a Geo Metro could go 140 miles an hour.

Yeah. They corner great too. Watch.

What a relief to be in a normal cab.

You seem like a nice person.

Well, I love my work.

-How long have you been driving? -Seventy-two hours...straight.

Driving's helped me forget about the two-timing dirty dog...

...who left me and took everything.

I'll have the last laugh when he finds out I wrapped his cab...

...around a telephone pole, wearing his favorite shirt.

I got your, "She was only making the bed."

So where's Dad and the rest of the lawn sprinklers?

Well, the last time I saw, Buck was giving them all sleigh rides.

The horror.

The unspeakable horror.

-Claudia Schiffer. -Tastes great.

Oh, look, my children.

What's-her-name and Don't-worry-about-me-I'm-on-the-pill.

Bud. Kelly.

When your mother asks about this, and she will...

...you tell her we just tasted one beer and went right to sheep.

What if she asks why you didn't pick up your wife?

You just tell her because she was too heavy.

Hey, pookie.

How was bingo?

It was great, Al. I won the $10,000.

Ten thousand dollars, Peg?

Let me see it.

This is only three bucks.

Well, that's all we had left...

...after fighting our way north via the underground railroad!

-Thank your father, kids. -Thanks, Dad.

All this for new official beer.

That's what we forgot to do.

Pick a new official beer.

How about Girlie Girl?

-Hear, hear! -Good choice.

Hey, boy, that was easy.

Where were we?

Hey, I know. You guys stay put.

I'll be right back.

Al, it's 9:00. Where are you going?

Yeah. I gotta go pick up the wife.