Original subtitles

-Hi, Mom. -Hi, Mom.

Kelly, I am so glad you're home.

I'm entering this new contest...

...and I need you to think of something clever.

-Bud, is something wrong? -Yeah.

You just asked someone with the IQ of mustard...

...to think of something clever.

I will have you know, oh, winged monkey man...

...that I am just as smart as anybody else in this room.

So you don't need to spell out "iquee" around me.

Bud, I'm so glad you're home.

You see, this feminine-hygiene company...

...is looking for a sidekick for their new mascot, Tubey the Tampon.

You got any ideas?

Mom, in Bud's defense, you're talking about an area he knows nothing about.

Now, if it had been for hand wigs or, say, finger lingerie--

Hey, hey, I think that's quite enough, Kelly.

I thought Dad banned you from entering all these magazine contests.

I don't enter that many contests. I don't even get that many magazines.

Mail call!

Well, let's see what came today. Doll Maker.

Lizard Quarterly.

Look here, Ebony.

Esther Rolle moved, Peg.

-Where? -Closer to the fridge.

Oh, now, what have we here? Amish Weekly.

New spring color: black.

Mom, are you sure anybody ever wins these contests?

Would Ed McMahon lie?

Gee, I don't know, would he drink?

Would he laugh at something that's not funny?

Would he tout the taste of dog food...

...if he thought he could make a stinking buck?

Peg, I'm telling you that nobody ever, ever wins these contests.

Hi, I'm Wolfman Jack.

Let me in, I'm gonna blow your mind out.

Anybody here join a record club?

Well, you know, I'm talking about 30 years ago.

No, I'm here to lay something good on you.

You guys have just won our $1-million grand prize.

I can't believe it!

Peg, Peg, if you weren't my wife, I'd kiss you.

Congratulations, Mrs. O'Sullivan.

-Well, my name isn't O'Sullivan. -Mine is!

Top of the morning to you, Wolfman, me lad.

Listen, Lojack.

That's Wolfman Jack.

Yeah. Yeah, much cooler.

Listen, our name is Bundy.

Yeah, B-U-N-D and sometimes Y.

Oh, listen, Mrs. Bundy.

You have just won first-class accommodations...

...on our luxury cruise to the Caribbean.

How come only she won?

Because she wrote the most inspiring essay for New Widows magazine.

New widows, Peg?

So you do share my dream.

But, you know, I don't wanna go on a cruise by myself.

Hey, Mr. Wolfman...

...don't you think you could just bend the rules so that Al can come?

-No! -Please?

This man is unimpeachable, his character beyond reproach.

He combines the best qualities of both wolf and man.

There's 50 bucks for you.

Sold. I tell you what, I'll take this first-class ticket...

...and I'll change it in for two economies.

Peg, I don't wanna go on a cruise.

All that rocking up and down, side to side.

I'll be throwing up all night.

And then there's the motion of the boat.

Wow, a Caribbean cruise.

-Sounds romantic. -Oh, it is.

-Al must hate it. -He does.

Oh, it sounds like such fun.

I wish Jefferson and I could do something like that.

Maybe I could trade these two tickets for four less-expensive ones.

-Do you think they'd do that? -Well, let's find out.

Mr. Man?

Do you think that you could trade these two really good tickets...

...for four just-okay ones?

Hey, anything's possible. You got 50 bucks?

-Marcie? -Oh, why not?

You know, if I don't spend it, Jefferson will.

-Here. -Here you go.

"Sub-subeconomy class."

I wonder what that is?

Well, the love barge.

-Thanks for bringing me, Peg. -Oh, it's not so bad.

No, it's like 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea...

...except I'm married to the giant squid.

-Why must you always be so negative? -Why did you cross the road?

All right, so the room's a little cramped.

Most of the time we're gonna be up on deck...

...eating, dancing, living the good life.

-So who's the entertainment? -Gilbert Gottfried.

Besides, who cares about the room? This is a singles cruise.

That means wall-to-wall women...

...who will be sunning themselves with their tops unfastened.

What are you guys laughing at?

-Nothing. -Nothing.

We're just happy to be here with the women we love.

And you guys.

Well, I'm just glad you're looking on the bright side of things.

Me too, Peg. In fact, I can't remember when I've been so happy.

Hi, and welcome to Cruise Light, the high-fun, low-fat vacation...

...for women who want to watch the whales...

...instead of being mistaken for them.

Now, wait a second.

Now, you're telling me that every passenger on this ship is--

How can I put this?

--an island unto herself?

Well, maybe now.

But by the time we're done with our deprivation diet...

...and non-stop exercise program, we'll look as beautiful as those two.

What two?

She means us, poop deck.

Oh, my God, she does mean the wives.

Jefferson, we're on the voyage of the damned.

Why didn't you tell me this was a cruise for fat women?

Because you didn't ask me. Well, I gotta go.

I'm getting my hair done for free by Mr. Maurice.

-You know who that is? -A man with a lot of cats?

No. He is the stylist to the stars.

Who do you think does Sandra Bernhard's hair?

Ray Charles?

-Let's go, Peggy. -We should've left them at home.

Should've left us at the altar.

Hey, Al, you know what I'm thinking?

How long it'd take us to swim home from here?

-Don't answer that. That's a trap. -What kind of trap?

They say, "Yoo-hoo," you open the door...

...they slap two pieces of bread around you...

...and you're never heard from again.

Hello, is there anyone in there?

I don't know. She sounds thin. I'm gonna open it.

-Hi, my name's Gretchen. -Hi, my name's--

Wait a second, I can't remember my name.

-Quick, Al, what's my name? -Captain No-Nads.

You two are very funny. Are either of you Gilbert Gottfried?

-He is. -He is.

Well, I wanted to find out if either of you will be taking aerobics classes.

-You taking them? -I'm teaching.

We're taking them.

Excuse me, Gretchen, but I thought that all the passengers were...

...Jurassic.

I mean jolly.

May I share something with you?

Sure. Jefferson, would you step outside?

What I meant was, since you're not part of the diet group...

...you can participate in our after-hours activities.

What kind of after-hour activities?

Well, after our 6:30 roundup and lockdown...

...for our larger passengers...

...we put away the celery and those disgusting, chalky shakes...

...and bring out the real food. Tonight is Carnival:

"Couscous and clothing-optional lambada."

Jefferson, I'm dreaming. Pinch me.

I said, pinch me!

Now, let me get this straight.

At 6:30, you herd all the buffaloes back to their cells...

...you lock them up...

...and then a wild orgy of scantily clad crew and us...

...take over the ship?

Right. Is that okay?

Yes. That's fine.

-Thank you. -Great. I'll see you guys there.

You know the trouble with rock 'n' roll today?

Took out the bubble machine?

Mr. Jack-Man...

...it's not that we haven't enjoyed your cute little stories...

...about things that happened even before Dick Clark was born...

...but you've been here for a week.

I mean...

...shouldn't you be out cruising with the ho-dads or the ho-moms...

...or whatever ho's you guys run around with?

There's a lot more to Wolfman Jack than just, "Hi, here's your prize."

You ever listen to Wolfman Jack on the radio live from Planet Hollywood?

Look, whatever he says, just say yes.

Yes.

I also wrote a book, my autobiography.

Would you like me to read you a little bit of it?

-Yes. -You're the best.

Oh, Al.

This is the best vacation I have ever been on.

Thank you.

You beaked me!

-Have you been drinking? -Not since I had a drink.

-What do you want? -Oh, Al, it is amazing out there.

The women may be huge...

...but the male crew can swab my deck any time.

Well, that shouldn't take long.

-Where's Peg? -Oh, she's still getting her hair done.

But I don't know why...

...because it always looks really silly.

Don't tell Al.

Anyway, Al...

...at 6:30, I am going back upstairs for aqua aerobics.

The male crew members are gonna pretend to be dolphins...

...and I get to pet their dorsal fins.

And vice versa.

Don't tell Jefferson.

Marcie, did you happen to notice...

...if any of the female crew members are gonna pretend to be dolphins?

No. I think they're gonna be mermaids...

...or whatever it is you call it when you swim around topless.

I better go see what's keeping Peggy.

Heigh-ho, Flipper, away!

-Are you ready to roll, buddy? -Ten seconds till lockdown.

-Five, four, three, two, one. -Five, four, three, two, one.

It's samba time.

Well, Al, what do you think?

About what, Peg?

-My hair. -Oh, your hair. Oh, it's....

Fine, Peg.

If you're Lyle Lovett.

Shut up.

No, no, he said that, "Al love it."

-You ready to go, Peg? -Yeah, I guess.

Well, it's kind of cool up there, you better wear a bag.

A hat, a hat, I meant a hat.

I can't go out in public like this.

No, I know you can't, sweetheart. I know you can't--

-Come on, Jefferson. -You can't go either.

Why? My hair don't look like crap!

Oh, what's the matter now, Peg?

Why don't I just go check things out. You just call me if you need me, okay?

-I need you, I need you! -Oh, hold me, Al.

I wanna go to the party!

You don't mind staying in with me, do you, Al?

No.

I'd much rather be in here than up there in a Russ Meyer movie.

Good, because I am never leaving this room.

-Al? -What?

Make love to me.

Why? I didn't screw up your hair!

It's just that I feel so unattractive...

...especially with those aerobics girls bouncing around up there.

I know you'd rather be on deck rather than staying in here with me...

...and I really do appreciate it.

You know, Al, I know that I don't say it very much...

...but you are a great guy.

Al?

Smell that salt-hallway air.

Fine. If you'd rather be up there partying...

...while your wife is here, who needs you, just go right ahead.

Thanks. Bye.

-We're going down! -What, you mean the party's moved?

No, the ship is sinking!

One of the fat women smelled the jerk chicken...

...and tried to cut through the floor with a blowtorch!

-Oh, my God, we're really sinking? -Come on.

If we were really sinking, you think I could look in this porthole and see--?

Fish!

Oh, my God, we're going to die!

Thank you, Peg, for booking me on the Titanic!