Original subtitles

Today on Oprah:

Qualified experts speak rationally about relevant social issues.

What?

Just kidding. Today's topic:

Sluts who hang out at 7-Eleven.

Congratulations, Peggy.

Happy 25th wedding anniversary.

How do you do it?

Well, I don't.

Well...

...I do, but only after Al goes to sleep.

To tell the truth, Marcy...

...I don't think Al knows that today is our anniversary.

Well, I hope you're not planning anything special for him.

Of course I am.

I'm getting him the sweat socks that Michael Jordan wore in his last game...

...signed and unwashed, for $500.

Now why would you go to all that trouble...

...when you know he's not getting you anything?

Because then I will own him.

I will have something to lord over him for the rest of his...

...hunched-over, minimum wage-earning, fat lady-pleasing, shoe-selling life.

Well, at least you are going to get one great anniversary present because...

...I am taking you to one of Chicago's finest massage and beauty spas.

Antoine's Under the El.

I bought the all-day soak and poke package.

A massage?

Well, I don't know, Marcy.

You know, I' m not comfortable taking my clothes off for total strangers.

They'll be men.

What are we waiting for?

Oh, it took forever for them to leave.

Yeah, but much like a 'roid, they come back with a vengeance.

That's one thing I learned from my first 800 years of marriage.

Well, where'd you hide Peggy's gift?

In a place she'd never think to look.

Diamond necklace.

All part of my master plan to avoid having sex with the wife.

See, first I take her to Denny's.

She stuffs herself so full of popcorn shrimp...

...she lists to one side.

And just before she's ready to belch, "I love you"...

...I lay this on her.

Between the combination of shrimp, necklace...

...and the NyQuil Mickey I'll be slipping in her piña colada...

...she'll be unconscious...

...I'll be home watching midget wrestling...

...and the only hand down my pants will be my own.

Dad, I got a problem.

We were out walking Buck when we ran into old Mrs. Stewart.

And she was wearing her yellow rain slicker...

...and I guess Buck must have thought she was a fire hydrant.

So, in a butt-shell...

...here is your cleaning bill and a court date.

Daddy, what's wrong with Buck?

Well, now, kids, come here.

I never thought I'd be having this conversation, because frankly...

...I didn't think I'd still be alive on this...

...my 40,000th anniversary.

But it's time we all faced facts.

Buck's getting old.

Is he gonna die?

Yes.

Go play.

What?

Kelly...

...what Father Teresa is trying to say...

...is that just because Buck is getting old...

...it doesn't mean he's gonna die immediately.

The important thing is that you just treat him...

...like any other member of the family when they get old and senile.

Oh, you mean steal their food and mix up their medicine.

I don't want Buck to get old and senile.

Pumpkin, sweetheart, let me explain the aging process to you.

I, too, was a young man.

Oh, no.

Young enough to score four touchdowns in a single game.

Then darkness cast her giant red shadow over the land.

It was...

...the wife age.

And he thinks I'm getting old.

I never wanted children.

I wanted to just work on car engines...

...and make kissing sounds when women walked by me.

The wife never shared my dream.

I've got to prove to him that I'm not senile.

I know. I'll bury a bone.

That'll show him.

Now if I can just find a bone.

Oh, excuse me, madam.

There's a bone.

Now to take it to the back yard.

Will you stop following me?

Twenty-five years?

How can that be?

I was just in high school.

Why? I didn't do anything wrong.

So this is how women who didn't marry shoe salesmen live.

And it only gets better.

We're starting with the Tibetan sensuous massage with cactus fronds.

Is that good for you?

Oh, it's great.

It takes off the first four layers of dead skin.

Well, what if your skin isn't dead?

It will be.

Mrs. D'Arcy.

-How lovely to see you again. -Oh, Sven.

This is Peggy.

Peggy, Sven is mine.

Chance, your masseur, will be with you shortly.

Mrs. D'Arcy, are you prepared to be pricked?

Am I.

Oh, Chance?

No, I'm Dave. I'm straight. And I run the gift shop.

Hi. I'm Peggy. I'm celibate and it's my 25th wedding anniversary.

Anniversary? No.

I would have thought it was your 25th birthday.

I'll take five.

I haven't shown you anything yet.

Oh, yes, you have.

Well, then, why don't we just step into my office.

Well, I guess I could do that for a minute.

I'm waiting for my cactus treatment.

Oh, Peggy...

...now, I may be way out of line here...

...but I feel that your skin is much too delicate...

...to be subjected to the cactus smacking.

Now, I have a toner here...

...than can produce that same rosy glow without the pain.

And it's only $50.

Mrs. Bundy, I'm Chance. Your masseur.

Are you ready to join your friends in pleasure?

Hold your fronds, Chance.

Only $50, you say?

You're a bad boy. Bad boy.

Buck, don't you know you're not supposed to track mud into the house?

No problem.

Next time I'll just fly around the room until my paws dry on their own.

Kids...

...look what Daddy rented for $8.

Did it come with the matching Urkel glasses?

Laugh all you want.

Shut up.

Now...

...with the money I saved...

...I was able to buy your mother...

...this.

A hairy Abba-Zaba?

All right, kids.

Where's your mother's necklace?

We don't know, Dad.

I had it in a white box with a red ribbon around it.

Odd.

I buried a white bone with a red ribbon around it.

I put it right there under that cushion.

This won't look good on the old résumé.

Okay, I'll just go dig it up and put it back where I got it.

How easy is that?

What am I looking for?

Pardon me, sir.

All right, let me explain something to you kids.

If I don't get that necklace, then I can't give it to your mother.

If I can't give it to your mother...

...then I have to give it to your mother.

And if I have to give it to your mother...

...I'm going to give it to you.

Well, another mystery solved.

I think someone owes someone else an apology.

Wait a sec, Dad.

Is that the ribbon from the box?

Well, that's the ribbon.

But the necklace is still gone.

I'm going invisible now.

There. I'm invisible.

Damn ribbon gave me away.

-Dirt-eating mutt. -Buck, you gotta find it.

-I knew you were a bag of bones. -Find it.

Whoa, people, one at a time.

You moron, fleabag, pitiful excuse for a dog.

Where is that necklace?

-I don't think he's gonna tell us, Dad. -Why not?

He's a dog.

Oh, Buck, come on. Find the necklace, boy.

This is going nowhere. I look in his eyes, all I see the other side of the yard.

We're just gonna have to start digging.

Dad, he's not even dead yet.

For the necklace, you cartoon character.

Okay, let's see what we've got.

The Margaret Chow chin wrap...

...the Rosewood paddle fanny toner...

...and the Tommy Lee Jones crater spackle.

Which comes to $300.

But for you, Peggy...

...I'm going to take off 15 percent.

Then add 15 for gratuity...

...which brings us to--

Let's just round this off to $300.

How do you people make any money?

Mrs. Bundy, it's getting late.

It's time for your Mexican pepper facial and spine pull.

Very refreshing.

Hey, look. Here's 5 bucks.

Go get yourself some pogs.

Gee, thanks, Mrs. Bundy.

All right, Dave, show me more.

What's in that bag?

Oh, that's just my lun--

New line of cosmetics.

Oh, but it's only for celebrities.

What's your favorite TV show?

Oprah.

What a coincidence. Oprah uses this line.

Oh, please, I must have that.

Oh, and so you shall.

Stupid, useless, meat by-product of a dog.

You think he could at least be decent enough to help the people who love him.

Daddy, don't be mad at him.

I mean, I'm sure he feels bad in his own sort of way.

Buck, come into the light.

Daddy?

-Hey, hey, I think I hit something. -That's my foot.

No, not that.

This.

What is it?

It's either the fruitcake that Grandma Wanker gave us last Christmas...

...or it's the black box from my wedding night.

How pathetic...

...a grown man burying things in the back yard.

Bud?

Bad dog.

-Bad, bad dog. -All right now, kids.

Now, can we focus on my shame?

We've got to find this necklace.

Come on, Buck, you know where it is.

Just show us what you got, boy.

Buck, come into the light.

It's all goodness and love.

Mommy?

Plum essence eye toner...

...the albacore and mayonnaise pore rejuvenator...

...and the Famous Amos facial disk.

She's done.

I feel so wonderful.

So relaxed.

So paralyzed.

You look 20 years younger.

Then I'll live with it.

Peggy, I can't lift my head any higher, but I'm sure you look fabulous.

You certainly smell good.

Oh, yeah. That must be my Baby Ruth body balm.

Shall we go get Al's present?

Can't. I spent all his money on stuff for me.

But it's no big deal.

Maybe if I don't mention it, he won't either.

-Let's go get dressed. -By the by, Sven.

Will I be able to walk again?

When you look this beautiful, the world will come to you.

Am I smiling? I can't feel my face.

Look, Dad.

Dad, we've been digging for hours.

I don't think we're gonna find the necklace.

No problem. I've still got two plans.

Plan A, I drive to a jewelry store, steal a necklace, shoot my way out...

...and get back here before your mom gets home.

Mom's home.

Plan B, I lay down in the hole, you cover me up with dirt.

What's that?

"Daddy, please don't kill yourself"?

Oh, well, maybe Peg forgot about our anniversary.

I mean, it's not a topic that'd be on Oprah or Geraldo.

I know, maybe if I don't say anything, she won't.

But if she does, I can count on you two to kill me, right?

You can count on us, Dad.

Good. Then that's present enough for this...

...my 1-billionth anniversary.

Hi, Al.

Hi, Peg.

You watching TV?

Yep.

Don't you think you should turn it on?

Nope.

So, Peg...

...what'd you do all day?

Oh, nothing. Went out with Marcy...

...spent a bunch of your money. You know, same old, same old.

-What'd you do today? -Oh, nothing.

Rented a tuxedo...

...dug up the yard.

You know, same old, same old.

Isn't it nice to have an absolutely nothing-out-of-the-ordinary kind of day?

Yeah, I was just thinking the same thing, Peg.

Happy Absolutely Nothing Out of the Ordinary Day, Peg.

Back at you, Al.

Want to go upstairs?

Why not? I'm already dirty.

This isn't for anything special, right?

Oh, no.

I just thought that the best way...

...to end an absolutely nothing-out-of-the-ordinary kind of day...

...was by doing absolutely nothing.

I agree, Peg.

I found it. I found the necklace.

I didn't bury it.

It was in my bowl.

Odd, no one spotted it under the two pieces of Kibble.

Oh, guys?

Guys?

Buck, don't tell me you forgot our second anniversary.

Forget?

Why no.

Bibi.

Of course.

I didn't recognize your face. I so rarely see this end of you.

Well, did you get me anything?

Did I get you anything?

Oh, Buck.

Oh, it's beautiful. I'm so happy.

Great. Can I take you to a toilet, buy you a drink?

Oh, Bucky.

Do you wanna go upstairs?

After you, my dear.

Oh, Bibi. Now I remember.

And they call me senile.