Original subtitles

Hello. Shop at Home Network?

Yeah, I'd like to order your NYPD Blue naked-butt...

...salt and pepper shakers.

Mom. Don't you think you should wait...

...until Dad gets the raise before you spend it all?

Bud, if I waited to have things till your father could afford them...

...you'd still be on layaway.

Besides, I have a very good feeling about this.

I'm in the money

-No raise, right, Al? -That's right, Peg.

And to prove that every dark cloud has a silver bullet...

...my boss, Gary, put both me and Griff on commission.

Commission?

So you mean our budget is now just a percentage of shiny rocks and sticks?

Thanks for that unwavering vote of confidence, son.

Now, Peg, since you were the one who badgered me...

...to ask Gary about the raise, let's hear your ideas...

...to keep the cash flow coming into the house.

Well, I'll take that under advisement.

But as usual, I have a plan.

Good. Just as long as it's not one of those stupid midnight-madness sales.

Where the employees dress up in those ridiculous costumes...

...that have nothing to do with what they're selling.

Bud, your father would never do something stupid like that.

So, Al, what's your idea?

I'm not telling you.

Hey, Mom, Bud, listen.

I have been named student of the month...

...at the Larry Storch School of Acting.

Honey, I couldn't be more proud of you.

Who's Larry Storch?

He played Corporal Agarn on the TV show F Troop.

-Was he the one with the big--? -No, no, no.

That was Forrest Tucker.

And not only do I win dinner with Mr. Storch...

...but I get to do a scene with him on-stage...

...in front of very important producers.

Larry and I are gonna be a team, you know...

...like Wally and the Beavis.

Kelly, what producer worth his cellular phone...

...would give a tinker's damn about you and Larry Storch?

Larry Storch?

Did I hear somebody say, "Larry Storch"?

That's right, Daddy.

The Larry Storch is coming over here for dinner.

Everybody's favorite corporal?

Coming here to my least favorite place?

Finally the rewards of a righteous life.

What is the big fuss about this Corporal Egg-Roll guy?

Corporal Agarn, you blasphemous heathen.

You don't understand the genius of the man.

In F Troop, when one of the idiots in his regiment would make him mad...

...he'd go walking over to him like only he could walk...

...and give him a whack on the head with his hat.

You just don't see that anymore.

There's a lot of things I don't see anymore.

Especially if they're more than 100 feet from the couch.

-When's he coming? -Next Tuesday night.

Gadzooks. That's the same time as my midnight-madness shoe sale.

That's if I was having one.

All right, I'll just make Griff do everything. Sweetheart...

...I've got to have a picture of Larry hitting me with his hat.

-Do we have any film? -Besides the one on your teeth?

If only I had a hat...

...with a big rock in it.

Tell me again what werewolves have to do with shoes?

Again?

Wolves.

Night.

Moon.

Shoes.

See, wolves are nocturnal.

They hunt at night.

Hence, wolves. Night.

-Moon. Shoes. -Moon. Shoes.

Now back up, you're about to see...

...the midnight-madness shoe sale at its ugliest.

And perhaps...

...at its fattest.

You know, if these were real, I'd rip you to shreds.

Hurry up, Kelly. Mr. Scorch will be here any minute.

Oh, Mom.

I am so excited. I mean, just imagine...

...me and Larry Storch on the stage together.

Tonight, I become a lesbian.

I think you mean a "thespian," dear.

Yeah, well, the reviews aren't in yet.

So how do I look?

Like a limited-edition, condom-packing Barbie.

Bud, you look nice. Hey, by the way, can you say:

"You'll never get me, Batman."

Hey, kids, stop it. No fighting.

That's what your father is for.

Mom, I'm just trying to make her understand...

...that this whole Larry Storch School of Acting thing is a fraud.

Just like the Larry Storch School of Karate.

Or the Larry Storch School of Heating and Air Conditioning Repair.

Larry Storch is not a fraud.

Now, before I started his acting school, I was untrained...

...I was undisciplined, I was un- a bunch of things.

But since I've been studying at his wise and wonderful feet...

...I now can soar with the beagles.

I am a moth and Larry Storch is my flame.

You know, she's one small step from selling Watchtower.

There's your father and his Dodge.

No, that's Larry Storch and his Dodge.

Now, listen, Bud, tonight is very, very important to me.

Just try to treat him with the respect a man of his stature deserves, okay?

Hi.

Anybody wanna buy a Dodge? One owner, one gear, $1.

One bullet.

Hi, Mr. Storch. I'd like to introduce you...

...to my lovely family, but we'll just go with what's here.

-This is my mom, Peggy. -How do you do?

How do you do, Mr. Storch. I just loved you in D Cup.

That's F Troop.

-And this is our dog, Buck, over here. -Charming.

-There's our favorite clock. -Look at that.

And here's the hat my dad bought so you could hit him over the head with it.

And here's our favorite can opener--

And there's my brother, Bud.

The kid with the rubber woman.

Kelly did a brilliant, brilliant monologue in class...

...depicting your sad, pathetic life. I laughed, I cried.

And now that I meet you, I'm laughing again.

Well, if I could just borrow some jumper cables, why, we can...

-...get this show on the road. -Not just yet.

You see, my husband really wants to meet you and he's still at work.

-He's a huge fan of yours. -Really?

In his defense, he's also a shoe salesman.

So when's the old shoe-slinger coming home?

Well, you see, he's having this madness sale.

You know: wolf, night, moon, moron.

He's probably just in a selling frenzy right now.

I'll get it.

I ate a fly.

Well, deal with it.

-Hello? -Al, it's me.

Larry from G Spot is here.

Great, Peg. Keep him there.

Well, all right. But, honey, hurry. And on your way home...

...do you think you could pick me up some of those little--

Griff, the Agarn has landed.

-I gotta get home. -But what if we get a customer?

Don't be silly. Who's gonna come in here? We're dressed like wolves.

No one is gonna stop me from meeting my TV hero.

Al, Gary.

Gary's not gonna keep me from meeting him either.

You know what your trouble is? You're afraid of the boss.

Yeah. Just because Gary's built like a man...

...doesn't mean she can hit like one. Let her come in here and sell shoes.

I'm out of here!

Please don't fire me.

Mr. Storch, that was Al. Something's come up at the shoe store...

...and he wants us to bring you down there.

Wait. But, Mom, we gotta rehearse.

After dinner, we're doing our big scene from Phantom of the Opera.

Kelly, the very first rule of acting: Never disappoint your public.

No, actually, that's the second rule of acting.

The first rule is never have the chile relleno before you do Hamlet.

Well, where's Al working?

Maybe we can just stop by and see him before dinner.

No. Then he'll want to eat with us. I know what we'll do.

We'll all go out to dinner, then Bud will take you down to meet Al...

...and Kelly and I will go on to the theater.

Gee, thanks, Ma.

Can I pick you up a nice big box of panty shields while I'm out?

-Now that you mention it, I actually-- -Kelly, to get to the theater...

...you must first go through the Larry Storch School of Acting...

...and then you must proceed to the Larry Storch Performing Art Center.

So you mean crawl through the vent into the old movie house next door?

Bingo.

Isn't this exciting? And I thought the theater was dead.

No, no. It just smells that way.

But you'll get used to it.

So this is really today's take?

Actually, ma'am, that's yesterday's take.

We were gonna bring it to the bank, but they have a 50-cent minimum deposit.

Luckily we haven't taken our commission out yet.

Which, of course, we're going to plow right back into the business.

I did not amass my considerable personal fortune by giving up.

I am determined to turn this place around and I'll tell you why.

Years ago, in my first business venture...

...I went with what I thought was a sure thing.

But it turned out that my partner was a shyster. I lost my shirt.

-You still had your bra, didn't you? -Shut up.

From that day forward, I vowed two things:

One: That I would never again have a failing business venture.

And two: I would exact my revenge from the guy that ripped me off.

What kind of business was it?

The Larry Storch School of Heating and Air Conditioning Repair.

Larry Storch is in the house.

Hit the deck.

This is great. This is great. What are we gonna do now?

Don't worry about it. Give him to me.

Bring him over here.

What are we gonna do? Give him mouth-to-mouth?

No, no, no. You are.

But first, take our picture.

Come on, Dad. Forget about Larry Storch.

This is Kelly's big night. She's waiting at the theater.

You gotta do the right thing, Dad.

And I intend to.

What right thing?

-So glad you could join us. -We're thrilled to be here.

Yeah. Wild horses couldn't have dragged us away.

I'd be happy if one kicked me in the head right about now.

Well, it's about time you showed up. Hey, where's Larry?

Well, he's in his dressing room.

-You just go get ready, all right? -Okay.

I am so excited. Today, Chicago. Tomorrow, Saturday.

Bud, what took you so long at the shoe store?

Nothing, nothing. Everything's fine.

You did leave the car running, didn't you?

Ladies and gentlemen, the Larry Storch Players present...

...A Larry Storch production of Larry Storch's Phantom of the Opera...

...coming to you in Surround Storch.

Starring Larry Storch and his student of the month, Ms. Kelly Bundy.

Thanks.

Of all the opera joints in all the world...

...he had to walk into mine.

I care not that his face stoppeth a clocketh.

'Tis the heart that beats beneath the face that I desire to see.

I would not forsake you, O my ghostly one.

I shall search for the E.

That's "thee," you idiot.

I shall search for thee, you idiot.

Well, I think I'll go get some refreshments.

You will stay here and you will like it. Now, Larry's about to come on.

If only I wasn't hideously disfigured.

I can't believe Christine could love me.

I'll just sit here and play with my organ.

This one.

Is it me, or has Larry turned into a beaten-down...

...defeated old man?

Now, that is the power of a great actor.

You can almost smell his plight.

Smells like feet.

Larry.

Larry, you're supposed to play here.

Charge!

There he is. I shall now unmask him.

Verily, I would love to show you my face, but I cannot.

I haveth a headache.

But, Phantom, I must unmask you.

It doth further our love and my career.

So oose-lay the asketh-may.

No can doeth-ay.

-Come on. Give me the mask. -No, I say.

Give me the damn mask.

Tail. Moons. Feet.

Al.

Wait. Mr. Storch. That's the emergency exit.

No.

Ladies and gentlemen, the police will be arriving shortly.

Please exit single file through the decorative drapes.

We hope you enjoyed your theater experience.

Well, Daddy, it was really nice of you to try to help me.

I mean, it would have been nicer if you had succeeded...

...but at least it shows you care.

Well, you're not mad at me because I screwed up?

Not really. Mom and Bud probably are...

...because you wouldn't front them the 35 bucks to spring them from jail.

And Larry Storch probably is, because he got knocked out.

And the D'Arcys probably are, but--

Pumpkin, enough with the pep talk, now.

You know who I really feel bad for, though, is Griff.

I'd go down there and help him out, but it's late and I'm dodging an APB.

That's right. Step right up.

Have your picture taken with TV legend Larry Storch.

Larry Storch was always my favorite.

Every day I watched and hoped he'd get off the island.

I was a big fan.

Who wasn't?

All right, everybody smile.