Original subtitles

Cut it out.

Cut it out, Bud. I'm just not in the mood right now.

How could you not be in the mood?

When we did it a month ago, you said it was the best three minutes of your life.

It was. I'm just not ready for an encore yet.

I like to take my time. It makes it special.

You know, if it gets much more special...

...I won't be able to guarantee a full three minutes.

Trust me. It'll be better when we both really want it.

Okay. Okay, fine. I'm not an animal. I can wait.

Mental note: Sleep on stomach tonight.

I give up.

Today was the worst day of my life.

Worse than the day you found out...

...that big brush in the bathroom wasn't for your teeth?

Okay, the second-worst day of my life.

I went to go read for this great movie part...

...but before I had a chance to audition, they gave it to somebody else.

-Who? -Meryl Streep.

Now, come on, what does she have that I don't have?

What? You mean, besides the Oscars, the fame...

...and the command of the English language?

-Yeah. -Well, it begins with a T.

I got those.

Talent, Gump.

See, in short, Kel, the problem with your acting career is that...

...well, you stink. You reek.

What you should be reading for is the girl who says:

"If you're under 18, please hang up now."

Not that I would ever use those things.

Sometimes you just misdial calling the Library of Congress.

The numbers are so similar.

You don't think I'm good enough to be an actress?

You're hardly a believable Kelly.

So you ready?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

I am. You ready?

No, I'm not ready.

I can't believe I let you have what you claimed was sex with me.

You are just so mean to your sister.

Yeah. So? You ready?

A good, caring brother would help build her self-esteem.

I thought you were different from other guys.

I thought you were sensitive.

I'm sensitive. I am. Honest.

I come from a long line of caring, sensitive, Bundy men.

Where's my shotgun?

Where's my shotgun? I'm gonna blow his freaking head off.

Don't you think you're overreacting just a little?

Some bird chirps on my side of the window every night for a week.

Just because I want to pump 6 pounds of buckshot...

...into its 3-ounce body, I'm overreacting?

I said we were sensitive, not sane.

Woman, my aught-six.

I don't have your aught-six anymore. I gave it to the mailman.

He was so depressed about losing his job, I thought it might cheer him up.

Well, what am I gonna do, Peg? I can't sleep.

That can be deadly in my line of work.

What if a fat woman tries a pair of heels...

...and I'm not alert enough to shift my body before she topples?

Amber, you're here.

Didn't I warn you about this house?

Remember the story, The Bundyville Horror?

This is the place. These are the people.

And this is the church and this is the steeple.

Marcie, despite your annoying flapping of both lip and wing...

...I'm glad you're here.

I'm having a problem with birds.

Perhaps you can speak to them in their native tongue.

They're keeping me up.

What's their secret?

They look the same as they did in high school.

Well, if you really want to scare them away, an owl will usually do it.

An Al? I'm an Al.

An owl, you dolt. You know:

What?

-Not "huh." -"Not huh," what?

Not huh. Not what.

Who, Al who?

Not "Al who." Owl:

Oh, an owl.

Why didn't you say so? I need to get me an owl.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Al, either you're going to the zoo at midnight, or come to bed.

Well, since she put it that way, to the zoo!

Let's go, Amber.

And I want you to take a shower the minute we get home.

Look, Amber, maybe we just got off on the wrong foot.

How about just a little kiss?

We can settle in for some CNN.

Okay, Bud.

In a perverted sort of a way, I kind of respect your opinion.

So before I kill myself, would you mind telling me...

...is there anything that I'm good at?

Kel, if there were anything--

I thought you were special.

--wrong with you, I'd have told you long ago.

Like, take your acting.

You see, when I said you stink, I meant you stink at choosing your roles.

You know, like anyone from the Saturday Night Live cast.

Well, those who can, do. Those who can't, do not.

Yeah. Look, what I meant was, there are much better jobs out there, Kel.

For instance, I was just dating this actress.

Well, she plays topless Lady Macbeth at the nudie bar.

She happened to mention to me there's a commercial audition for Fryer Tuck's.

You know, the fast-food place with the merry menu?

I bet you I could get you an audition.

Bud, you are an angel.

I don't mean like someone who died without ever having sex...

...although I could.

I mean an angel who does good deeds.

Why are you being so nice to me all of a sudden?

Well, I've matured.

And I now realize there's a satisfaction to be gained by helping others.

Amber won't give you any, will she?

No.

Yup, Amber, I got Kelly an audition.

And I am at my most sensitive.

So I was thinking, how about topless poetry in my room?

Hello? Hello?

Mom, can you tell me something about love?

Yeah. It's a many-splendored thing.

Have you seen my toenail clippers?

I mean, what makes a woman want a guy?

I mean, you actually wanted Dad at one time, for some reason.

Well, then you're not talking love, you're talking hard liquor.

Oh, Bud, I'm just kidding.

There was a time when your father was a very desirable man.

Guess who.

Now is not one of those times.

Dad, tell me you didn't rent an owl suit to sit in a tree and scare birds.

I did not.

I bought this baby.

Talked him down to 400 bucks...

...and he threw in the night vision goggles. See?

Now do you wonder why I took my name off the mailbox?

I almost got a live owl at the zoo...

...but I found out something very important last night.

Never try to sneak past a rabbit hutch with an owl in your pants.

Even though they can't see, they just know.

Time to go to work.

Honey, are you sure about this?

Relax, Peg. The guy who sold it to me gave me a guarantee.

-Money-back? -No.

He just said it would work, put a closed sign on and drove away.

Hey, don't worry. I gave him a check. It's not good or traceable or anything.

Did you get the Fryer Tuck job?

No, not yet. It's down to me and another girl.

But in order to get the commercial...

...I have to learn how to shoot a bow and arrow.

You know, architecture?

What am I going to do?

The other girl is already a good architect.

How long do you have before the callback?

A week. I can't learn to shoot in 10 days.

Oh, Bud, will you help me, please?

Oh, the things I do for love.

Not you.

Marcie's niece, what's-her-tush.

Okay, let's begin.

Okay, let's stop.

Start over.

Remember what the guy in the archery store said?

"Jump up and down while I take these pictures"?

After that. Remember?

Look, feet apart, relax, breathe slowly. Left arm, straight.

Okay, no, you're way too low now. Aim higher.

Dad, before you get mad, just please try to encourage her. She's just learning.

Fine. I'll keep the bleeding internal.

Thanks, Dad.

Look, this is not gonna work. I mean, let's face facts.

If God wanted people to shoot a bow...

...he wouldn't have invented assault weapons.

Look, that last shot wasn't your fault, okay?

No bird has a butt that big.

-Now let's just try this again, all right? -Okay.

Just relax. All right?

Will the arrow.

Use the force.

Told you.

Relax, relax.

Remember, there's nothing to worry about. Okay?

You just keep saying to yourself, "I am an architect."

Got it.

-So where's your competition? -Over there.

Now, Kelly doesn't exactly have to win this thing for me to score, right?

Well, might as well introduce myself. No sense in being a bad sport.

Hi. I'm Kelly. May the best girl win.

Bull's-eye.

What a quaint custom.

Here's one my mom taught me.

Hello, ladies. How are my finalists today?

-Fine, Mr. Tuck. -Fine, Mr. Tuck.

Oh, please, "mister" is so formal. You can just call me "Sugar Daddy."

Now, as you girls know, you are so close in talent...

...the only legal way to decide who gets this role is with a shootout.

You have any questions?

-Actually-- -Good, then let's scoot and shoot.

How do we know who goes first?

I mean, should we flip a coin or draw straws or--?

How about if I go second?

Okay. All right.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is the last shot of the competition...

...and at the request of Miss Bundy...

...we will now flip a coin to see who goes first.

Your turn, lame aim.

Bud, I cannot beat that.

Yes, you can. You can do anything.

You're just saying that to score with Amber.

Yes, I am.

But you can win this and I'm gonna help you.

-Really? -Yes, of course.

You just tell me what you want me to do.

Okay.

For my final shot, I am going to shoot an apple off my brother's head.

Now, wait, wait, wait a sec now. I'm her brother.

Kel, don't you think this apple thing has been done to death?

Not yet.

Bud, I think it's so sexy, what you're doing for your sister.

How sexy do you think it is on a scale of one to do-I-get-some?

Let's do it.

-Isn't Bud the greatest? -Yeah.

Damned if I'd do this for him.

What am I doing?

Am I so desperate for sex that I'd risk certain death?

Why, yes. Yes, I would.

Okay. Stand still.

You know, I am really touched that Bud is doing this.

For the first time in my life...

...it's like someone in my family really believes in me.

God, I'm actually tearing up, which is totally not good for Bud...

...since now he's nothing but a blur from here.

Oh, what do I need to prove?

Having a family on your side has got to be more important...

...than having some fried-chicken typhoon...

...telling me I'm finger-licking good every morning.

I can't do this. I don't need to be the Fryer Tuck girl.

I'm just proud enough to be that horndog's sister.

Thank you, God. Thank you.

I'm out of the contest. The job's yours.

Couldn't do it, could you? Candy ass.

Candy this.

Yeah, that was pretty amazing.

I haven't seen an emerald-crested night thrush...

...since I took bird-watching in college.

You know, to meet chicks.

But when I heard this little fella's distinctive call...

...I knew I had to notify the authorities.

To think, in Al's yard, two endangered thrush eggs.

Well, I'm just glad they stopped him before he could eat the other one.

I am gonna miss him, though.

Yeah, but it's not like you can't see him whenever you want.

Well, time to go watch Kelly taping her Fryer Tuck's commercial.

Will Bud be okay?

Oh, sure. He's been changed.

And besides, when is a turnip ever really not okay?

Bud, we're leaving.

Mommy go. Daddy, tree. Bud-Bud, sofa.

Oh, isn't that cute? His first words.

Soon, he'll be eating solid foods and walking again.

They do grow up fast, don't they?

Bud, Aunt Marcie won't be back for hours.

I want you, bad.

Girl. Yucky. Cooties.

Men.

-Oh, well, it could be worse. -Oh, well, it could be worse.

-At least I'm not Dad. -At least I'm not Bud.