Original subtitles

Previously on Married With Children:

Al was all set to watch his favorite TV show, Psycho Dad...

...when it was suddenly canceled due to the world's largest singing chicken.

Who's the guy whose show is done?

Whose TV hero's on the run?

Who'll be watching VH1?

Loser Al, Loser Al Loser Al

So Al and the men of NO MA'AM decided to fight.

But mother nature proved to be a mother.

The press must have heard by now. What could be keeping them?

Polar bears, maybe?

And when even Psycho Dad himself called it quits...

...Al and the men of NO MA'AM had no choice.

Gentlemen, NO MA'AM is going to Washington.

And so are we.

Washington, D.C., here I come.

See you, Son.

Bye, Dad.

See you, pumpkin.

Bye-bye, daddy.

Come here.

Oh, God.

Well, I can see by the stars on the wall, it's time to go.

-See you, Kelly. -Come on.

Thanks a lot, Dad.

Now I'll never know his name.

Pumpkin, you have to understand.

Part of being a parent is protecting the morals of my children.

Okay, move. No, don't move.

Okay, move.

Wait, wait. Damn.

Now, pumpkin, as you know...

...as you know, Daddy's going to Washington...

...to make America safe for Psycho Dad.

Now, when your mom wakes up...

...and she will because she knows I hate that...

...remember, you haven't seen me.

So it's like I'm doing you a favor?

Exactly.

Hey, Bud, did you hear that?

Dad wants us to do him a favor.

I'll call you. I mean it. I love you.

What he means is, is that if we do you a favor...

...then we should get one in return.

You know, squid pro quo.

No party.

-Mom-- -Oh, wait, pumpkin.

Just try to keep the party small this time.

Oh, thank you, Daddy. I promise.

Well, I mean, how much fun could it be? Bud's gonna be there.

Tell me about it.

-Al? -Oh, no.

Al, it is 5 in the morning.

-Where are you going? -Fishing, Peg.

Ice fishing, to be exact.

You never used to like ice fishing.

Am I not permitted to grow as a human being, Peg?

Well, I don't know, Al.

Well, if you don't believe me, here's one of my ice-fishing friends.

Hey, buddy.

You ready to go deer hunting?

You mean ice fishing, don't you, Jefferson?

-I voted no on ice-- -Come on.

Did I say deer hunting?

-I meant ice fishing. -Yeah, Peg.

See, Jefferson forgot that a big part of ice fishing is getting the bait...

...and in this case...

...it's deer.

Fish love deer.

Well, let's go.

Hey, guys, ready to go skiing?

Excuse us one minute, Peg.

Ready, break.

So you see, Peg, after Jefferson gets the deer bait...

...Griff has to ski it down to the lake...

...where Ike has set up camp...

...and Bob Rooney scuba dives it into the lake...

...to see which fish are the hungriest...

...telling Officer Dan...

...so he in turn can smoke signal the information...

...back to me so I can ice fish...

...with utmost confidence.

Of course. Have a nice time, boys.

Let's go. Move them out. Mush.

-Catch a big one, Al. -Oh, I already have, Peg.

Hello, Marcie. Yeah, they just left for D.C.

All right. I'll meet you at the airport around noonish? Great. See you.

Here we are, boys: City of Brotherly Love.

No, that's Philadelphia.

-Well, what's Washington? -A team without a quarterback.

You guys are so cynical.

Here we are in the capitol of the greatest nation in the free earth...

...and you can't even appreciate-- Everybody down.

Nice room you got us.

Was the John Hinckley Arms booked?

Relax, we're not gonna be here that long.

Tomorrow we address the Senate, get Psycho Dad back on...

...strap some fish on the hood of the Dodge and back in Chicago.

The Big Apple.

I don't want to rain on anybody's parade...

...but what makes you think we can get into Congress without credentials?

Sonny Bono did.

Besides, Jefferson said he can get us in.

And you gotta trust the guy that's named after a president.

I thought you were named after Sherman Hemsley.

-Yeah, you know-- -Guys, guys, guys. Let's not argue.

We're in Washington. Let's take advantage of what it has to offer.

Griff, check out room service.

Ike, fix that TV, so we don't have to pay for the porn channel.

Hey, Al, don't you wanna call home, make sure Peg and the kids are okay?

Relax, Jefferson. Nothing's gonna happen.

Late word today from Chicago...

...where a simple house party has spread like a virus...

...in what's being described as a Woodstock without the music.

Police have been put on tactical alert.

Oh, Santa, I've been very, very bad.

Hey, guys, we got porn on the TV.

We got the clothes on our back. We got the beds to ourselves.

Dare I say it?

It doesn't get any better than this.

What took you so long?

Ice fishing, huh?

Well, we were on our way...

...and Ike said he had never seen the Washington Monument.

Speaking of the Washington Monument--

What is that?

C-SPAN is broadcasting the Senate page tryouts.

Hey, and what are you doing here?

We came to stop you from embarrassing yourselves.

Too late.

Now, what makes you guys think that the Congress of the United States...

...could possibly care what you have to say?

Don't you head lice realize...

...that the people of America have spoken...

...and America is definitely anti-violence. Look out!

Damn postal workers.

Hey, we're from Chicago.

Don't you know we invented random violence?

I still say that you will never get in to the Senate.

We will so. Jefferson said he knows people in high places.

Jefferson knows jack.

When are you gonna stop telling the buffoons...

...these fanciful Bondian tales of derring-do.

If you were half as creative with your résumé--

-Good evening, Bullwinkle. -Hello, Chopper. Geronimo.

-Long time no see. -What's up?

Iraq, Iran, I married.

-So, what time do you need the bird? -0600 will be fine.

-Cool. Over. -Out.

You know, we are really going to have to talk about your past someday.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the United States Senate.

Look at it, guys.

This is where it all happens. The power, the intrigue, the chicks.

Look, guys, there is no way the U.S. Senate...

...is gonna put aside the important business of running this nation...

...to discuss something as moronic as Psycho Dad.

We'll have to table this debate on the Arab-Israeli peace accords.

The men from NO MA'AM are here to lobby on behalf of Psycho Dad.

Oh, we are really going to have to discuss your past.

Would the group approach the chair and take a seat, please?

Hey, wait a second now.

-Where are you two going? -Well, up there with you.

You can't think that we're gonna let you fight for Psycho Dad...

...without us having our say, do you?

Oh, Bullwinkle....

Good morning, gentlemen. My name is Senator Furman...

...and I am chairman of the Presidential Subcommittee for Taste in Television.

Hey, Al. "Taste in Television."

-T-I-- -Shut up.

You six are here to argue on behalf of a television show...

...that was recently cancelled due to excessive violence...

...namely Psycho Dad.

-Now, who will begin? -I will, sir.

Remember, Al, short and to the point.

Yeah, and don't say anything that'll make us look stupid.

No problem.

Senators and senatorettes.

Since man has evolved from the mighty atom...

...he has searched endlessly for two things...

...the other is entertainment.

Entertainment was easy for the simple caveman.

Man brought home food, woman burn it.

Giant pterodactyl swoops down, chases woman, she falls in mud.

A good laugh was had by all.

-Sit down, Mr. Bundy. -Yes, Your Majesty.

Anyone else?

You there with the moons.

Yes, sir.

Well...

...we just think you should bring back Psycho Dad...

...because he symbolized everything that's great about this country.

I mean, like, take the time he went charging into that Indian village...

...that was filled with unarmed women and children. So he's blasting away--

What the total stranger standing beside me is trying to say...

...is nobody talks about the good side of Psycho Dad.

Gentlemen, is it not true...

...that the lyrics to the Psycho Dad theme song, in part, reads:

"He's quick with a gun But he loves his son

So he killed his wife 'Cause she weighed a ton"?

In Psycho Dad's defense...

...when he married her, she wasn't fat, Your Bigness.

Sir.

As a peace officer who's proud to be a NO MA'AMer...

...I think we have to distinguish between real violence...

...and cartoon violence.

Yeah, like last night...

...when Dan here emptied his .38 into a crowd of punks?

They knew this man and his hot lead were for real.

Now, a cartoon Dan, in the first place, would have to be much better looking.

-I submit this sketch. -You--!

-Is there anything else, gentlemen? -Yeah.

Look, I know we could have been a little more articulate...

...if we had taken notes like I wanted to do...

...instead of staying up all night watching The Panty Clause.

But our point here is we know where real violence comes from...

...and it's not from that magic box I like to call TV.

Oh, sure, the tube can be blamed for a lot of things.

Brent Musburger.

Full House.

Any show where overweight female cops dress up as hookers.

But violence, that's too easy.

We've been brought up on Road Runner cartoons and The Three Stooges.

But how many of us have run a saw across a bald guy's head?

How many of us have drawn a tunnel on the side of a mountain...

...only to watch our loved ones smash themselves into it?

And you know why?

Because we had parents, ladies and gentlemen.

Parents who said, "Don't do what TV tells you to do.

Do what we tell you to do, or it's five across the eyes--"

Anyway, I say if there's a problem with TV today...

...it's because parents aren't saying that anymore.

Take my kids, please.

Thanks for the joke, Jefferson.

Kennedy's on the floor.

Kennedy's always on the floor.

Anyway, my kids may not be angels...

...but when they screw up, I don't blame TV.

I put the blame squarely where it belongs, on their mother.

-And rap music. -And rap music.

-I like rap music. -No. No, no.

Guys, guys, I'm talking to the Senate.

So in conclusion, I'd like to say...

...the next time you want to find the source of violence...

...try looking on the other side of the screen.

Thank you...

...and God save the queen.

-What happens now? -Well, unfortunately, Griff...

...the wheels of justice move very slowly.

We've reached a decision, Mr. Bundy.

Violence is not acceptable in a civilized society.

Psycho Dad's gone and this meeting is adjourned.

Take it easy, Griff.

We might have lost Psycho Dad, but we will win the war.

It's not that.

To tell the truth, I never even liked Psycho Dad.

Well, what is it then?

I really thought we were going ice fishing.

-Al, if it means anything-- -It won't.

-Let's go. -We will win this thing, Peg.

-Common sense will prevail. -I know, dear.

Hey, Peg, hey look at that.

Well, thank you, Mr. Bundy.

I would have been lost without my Discover card.

Is there anything I can do for you?

Well, you can try to put guys like that in jail.

Or cancel Blossom. Maybe that's where he got the idea to wear the hat.

And in our continuing coverage of the mother of all parties...

...the Chicago blowout has now engulfed...

...a major portion of the upper Midwest.

The National Guard has begun setting backparties...

...in hopes of containing the melee.