Original subtitles

Hear ye. Hear ye.

I now call to order this meeting of NO MA'AM:

National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood.

Brother Jefferson will read the minutes of our last meeting.

8:01, 8:02...

...8:03.

The same damn joke every week.

Hey, every time Bob Rooney plays the armpit tuba, you all laugh.

Well, that's funny. Let it rip, Bob.

Anyway, last meeting we bitched about the baseball strike...

...drank beer, peed...

...drank more beer, peed again...

...then hurried home to drink beer and pee.

Thank you, brother Jefferson. Now on to new business.

As you know, a new member, our very own Griff, is being initiated.

So, Sergeant at Arms Ike, would you bring the plebe in?

-Rookie. -New guy.

Now, Griff, you've survived the other initiation rites.

The purchasing of panty shields in broad daylight.

The attending of a Julio concert in wig and matching ensemble.

Are you ready for the third and final challenge?

Hey, I've got an ex-wife and I work in a shoe store.

I feel no pain.

Then Sergeant at Arms Ike, please escort Griff to the bath.

Excuse me. I mean the chamber of the damned, please.

Hey, Al, are you sure we should put Griff through this?

Yeah, the human mind is only made of flesh and bone.

Hey.

NO MA'AM isn't like California. You can't just walk in.

Our standards have to be tough.

If a man can't stand a two-hour videotape...

...of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman...

...he's not strong enough to be in NO MA'AM.

Now on to new business.

Men, we have got to do something about this baseball strike.

-Amen. -It's affecting the way we live.

Yeah. I had to take my wife to the beauty parlor.

I had to take my wife to the opera.

I had to take my wife.

Make the Indians kill her, please. Make the Indians kill her.

Now, if the players don't want to play...

...I don't give a damn, we don' t need them.

We can play with ourselves.

So the meeting is dismissed?

Ike, go in there with Griff.

So we're gonna play baseball?

-We are. -Where?

How about Wrigley Field?

Yeah. The Cubs ain't using it.

They weren't using it before the strike.

-Oh, my God. -They're bathing at the river.

So, what if they don't let us use Wrigley? It's private property.

Oh, come on. Who's gonna stop a bunch of great American guys...

...from playing the great American pastime?

Well, I mean, except for the police.

Well, at least it was great to hear the crack of the bat again.

That was a nightstick.

But you know, it was good to get outside and play a little baseball.

We pitched well, we hit well.

And man, Jefferson, I didn't realize you could run so fast.

Well, you run faster with a police dog in your back pocket.

Well, you run faster with a police dog in your back pocket.

Well, well, well.

Hey, Officer Dan. What are you doing here?

Same thing you do at the shoe store, Al.

-Waiting for quitting time? -Exactly.

And it's ribs night.

So, hear you were busted for climbing the vines at Wrigley Field.

We miss baseball.

I miss good sex.

You don't see me climbing my wife.

Anyhow, I came to tell you you've been sprung.

What? By who?

I am so sick of coming down here.

The wives.

There they are. The roids of summer.

No conjugal visits.

Jefferson D'Arcy.

Now, I expect Al to be involved in some receding "hair-brained" scheme...

...but what are you in for?

-I was-- I was on my way to a-- -Job interview.

--job interview when suddenly I was-- -Kidnapped.

--kidnapped by a gang of--

-Chickens. -Chickens.

But real chickens, not you.

You know, Al, I've thought about letting you spend the night in jail.

Well, thank you. You know, it's ribs night.

Not tonight. We have tickets for the theater.

That's right. Tonight it's Ace Ventura: The Musical...

...starring Nell Carter, Joyce DeWitt and that guy that played Horshack.

He's Ace.

I confess to killing a bunch of people...

...and eating them.

Then you've already had your ribs.

Breaking into Wrigley Field. How else could you embarrass me?

Well, I could pull up the shade when you're taking a shower.

Daddy.

I am so proud of you.

Now I can tell all my friends my dad's an ex-con instead of a shoe salesman.

You see that, Peg? She's proud of me.

Yeah. She's also proud of her shiny, shiny shoes.

They're shiny. Look.

Come on, Peg. So we had a little fun.

It's not like anybody knows about this.

Hey, Dad, look.

You made the headline on the Sports page. Look.

"Loons invade Wrigley Field."

What?

Damn press. Look, they misspelled my name.

"Al Burdy."

Al Burdy?

Al Burdy.

I like it.

Peggy Burdy.

I really like it.

Hi, I'm Joe Morgan.

-Are you Al Burdy? -No, no.

I believe the Burdy you're looking for is the dodo over there.

Peg, that's Joe Morgan.

Kids, that's-- That's Joe Morgan.

Mike Piazza, that's Joe--

Joe Morgan, that's Mike Piazza.

Well, what are you guys doing here?

Just trying to make an honest buck.

And with just about every sport on strike...

...you guys are the biggest news story going.

-Mind if I do a little interview? -No problem.

He tries to sell shoes. He tries to satisfy his wife.

He does neither. Back to you, Joe.

And who is this lovely lady?

That's my daughter, Kelly.

The redhead here is her mother, Rodan.

Oh, sure, go ahead, Joe. Interview away.

-Turn on the camera. -How does this thing work again?

Turn it on where I'm talking, off when you think you have something to say.

Got it.

We're here with the leader of the Wrigley Field break-in boys...

-...Al Burdy. -That's Bundy.

Burdy, let me ask you this. Why?

I've asked him that myself over the years.

He says he's either too tired--

Pay no attention to the big red machine, Joe.

Why did we play baseball?

For the love of the game.

Just like every American husband...

...it's our right seven months out of the year...

...to sit on the couch with a bowl of pretzels...

...and a frosty cold one and watch baseball.

Since that right has been violated...

...and the owners and players have not been able to resolve their differences...

...we just simply decided to play the game ourselves.

Unfortunately, our audience might have missed that...

...since the camera's suddenly shooting Baywatch.

Anyway, Al, it seems that you're not alone.

Are you aware that a challenge has been issued...

...by another group of out-of-shape fat guys from St. Louis?

What? Wait, you mean another team of geezers...

...wants to play my dad's geezers?

Well, that couldn't possibly happen.

-We have tickets for the theater-- -Silencio, Consuela.

Well, Al, do you accept the challenge from St. Louis?

In a word, Joe, abso-freaking-lutely.

There you have it, sports fans.

This year's Major League Baseball season may be at an end...

...but the game continues on.

I was just trying my auto-focus thingy.

Baseball is America's game.

It belongs to the people and the people is us.

So I, Al Burdy, say, let there be baseball.

Let there be life.

You know, I can't believe Dad and the rest of the Bad News Butt Cracks...

...are trying to form their own league--

Trying to form their own league and tour across the country.

Well, they did beat Street Louis.

That's St. Louis, honey.

I guess this league of his is gonna be a success after all.

Bud, this is your father we're talking about.

When has he ever done anything successful?

Family...

...guess what you're looking at.

The sultan of sweat?

That's right, Peg. Charge the mound.

But they're lining up for us. This thing could really be big.

We've even got a sponsor.

Who would be stupid enough to sponsor you guys?

-Only the wealthiest man in Chicago. -Michael Jordan?

Wealthier. And my guy can hit the curve ball.

Family, allow me to introduce to you the owner of our team...

...the Chicago Cleavage...

...and the owner of the best damn nudie bar in town...

...Akbar Johnson.

Greetings all.

Bud?

Your team is sponsored by a nudie bar?

Yeah. Not just our team, Peg, but every team in the league.

The Boston Bazooms...

...the New Jersey Nay-Nays...

...the Buffalo Bodacious Ta-Tas...

...and the San Francisco Guys.

And you know what the best part is, Peg?

Your uniform has a trap door?

If only the couch had one, Peg.

All our games will be away games.

I'll be gone six weeks. I made up the schedule myself.

Isn't that great, Peg?

You mean, we won't be together for six weeks?

Yes.

It's like the second honeymoon I've always wanted.

And, kids, I haven't forgotten you. I have a special surprise.

-We have to go with you? -Hell, no.

No, but if this thing works out, Daddy will be gone for many, many years.

And there's something very important I need you to do.

What?

Something about this makes me want to tell old high school football stories.

Well, you're lucky. I have a sudden urge to read Big 'Uns.

I don't care what anybody says.

This has gotta be the worst job in the world.

No, I've got the worst job in the world.

Kelly, it's Bret Saberhagen.

Well, then why does his nametag say Bobby Bonilla?

He called in sick.

Hey, Saberhagen, is that your pizza truck in the red zone?

If I don't get this here in 30 minutes, they'll take it out of my check.

At least you get a check. I get paid in mall dollars.

Danny, can I bribe you with a pizza?

Let me check my security guard handbook.

Yup.

-Hey, wait a minute. That's our pizza. -Tell it to the commissioner.

Burdy. Burdy. Burdy. Burdy. Burdy. Burdy.

That's Bundy.

Burdy. Burdy. Burdy. Burdy.

-Can I have a break now? -No.

-Can I have a break now? -Absolutely.

Thanks. Where the hell's Saberhagen with my lasagna?

How does this thing work again?

That's it. Next time, I'm hiring a hockey guy.

A fat woman came into the shoe store today.

And Bud still looked up her dress.

Yeah, like I could help it.

Her dress, it was everywhere.

Hi, Mom. You look nice. How come?

Well, today is the end of your father's road trip...

...and hopefully the beginning of his seven-minute home stand.

So, Mrs. Burdy, this must be a big moment for you.

I bet you miss the big guy.

Oh, yes.

I also miss my husband.

You know, the point is, that when a man has been gone this long...

...any man, it's just good to have him back.

Mom, that's not Dad, that's Dave Winfield.

-Mind your business. -Mind your business.

Oh, the places I've been, the people I've seen.

But when you get right down to it, there's no place like home.

Come to Papa.

Look out.

Oh, Dave, I missed you so much.

We've gotta do something about this strike.

Welcome home, Al.

It's refreshing to see someone who plays just for the love of the game.

Well, it isn't just me, Joe.

I mean, kids who play sandlot ball, do they play for money?

College kids without scholarships, do they play for money?

Anything you do for love, Joe...

...money should never be a consideration.

So the fact that Akbar and the other owners...

...sold the TV rights for your championship game...

...for $3 million doesn't bother you?

Not in the slightest, Joe. And I've said this many times before.

I've always played the game for-- Three million dollars?

Does Akbar not take the risk?

-Does Burdy not bring in the fans? -The owners are going broke.

-Show us your books. -No.

We're the players. You need us.

We are the owners. You need us.

-Players. Players. -Owners. Owners.

-Players. Players. -Owners. Owners.

Players.

Well, it was made official today.

The owners and players of the National Nudie Bar League...

...failed to reach agreement on player compensation...

...for the upcoming championship series...

...prompting yet another in a string of unfortunate season-ending walkouts.

So to recap, baseball is on strike. Hockey is on strike.

And Saturday Night Live just won't end.

That's three strikes and we're out. I'm Joe Morgan.

We now join Filipino slap fighting already in progress.

Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye.

I now call to order this meeting...

...of the National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood.

Brother Jefferson will read the minutes of the last meeting.

-8:01, 8:02... -No.

...8:03, 8:04, 8--