Original subtitles

ALARM RINGS

'Hello.'

A fine morning to you, Nora.

I was wondering whether you'd care to join me to watch the sun coming up.

Bring your flute. We could do a little dance to welcome the dawn.

Wear something casual.

A sprig of laurel in your hair.

'You're joking!'

Do I take it that's a no?

D'you think Alvin is going to injure himself?

Well, he seems determined to try.

D'you think he might do it soon so we can go and get some breakfast?

Looks as if Alvin's attracted an audience.

SIREN BLARES

It's closed, Merv.

I know.

I like to come here when it's quiet.

I like to visit.

When it's closed?

You get the essential ambience.

There's a sort of purity.

It smells of garlic!

To you it's just a pizza parlour.

But to me...

Well, to me it's a place of pilgrimage.

It's where I worship... her that works here.

I used to feel that about a bus driver.

You never said.

When was this?

Oh, it was years ago.

Weren't you going to tell me about it?

I had to give it up.

I got travel sick.

I know what you mean. I'm living on pizza.

You wouldn't think unrequited love could be so fattening.

Is she playing hard to get?

Maybe she's measuring your devotion by the number of pizzas.

Maybe she has a target.

You hit 1,000, maybe she'll fall on your neck.

She doesn't even know I'm potty about her.

Haven't you told her?

I keep trying.

I start stuttering and all that comes out is...

..an order for pizza.

Training for what?

I used to be a six-stone weakling.

I'm going for seven.

What happens if he has to brake?

It's not a problem.

He has no brakes.

Tell them you're joking.

No, he's right.

For a feller from Hull, he's impressively equipped with brakes.

I was there when he passed his MOT.

He was highly commended.

Don't say any more, Alvin. Let me do talking.

They don't know you have good excuse for acting like a lunatic.

Such as what?

He's a lunatic.

Has he always been a lunatic?

Can't say always. Only known him few years.

But for those few years you've known him,

has he always been a lunatic?

Always.

It's a lifestyle choice.

Living on the edge.

A thing I picked up from a personal trainer.

Rock hard. Despised comfort.

Used to eat Weetabix raw.

Who was this, then?

A Mrs Crayshaw from Brighouse.

Wonderful muscle tone.

It wasn't just that. It's the willpower the woman had.

They say she once went seven days on the same tea bag.

Are we going to arrest him?

And listen to him all the way back to the station?

I don't think so.

D'you think they've been arrested?

Alvin will probably manage to talk his way into it.

Now what?

Maybe they're looking for backup.

For Alvin and Entwistle?

Just checking for road safety.

Of course.

Never thought it could be otherwise.

Back in a minute.

The other one wants a go.

Have you never thought of going blonde?

Have you never thought of growing up?

Why would anybody do that?

Maybe if you tried a blue rinse.

Or let it all go.

Let it hang loose. There's Rita Hayworth in there somewhere.

I don't know who let you loose, but it was a mistake.

You should let me wash it and set it for you. You?

What experience have you got?

You ask that of me, Alvin, lover of women?

Have I got experience?

I've been run over by a Mrs Jamison.

And I was once engaged for 28 years.

I shouldn't have been in a hurry to snap you up either.

It's like I said to you this morning in bed.

Keep your voice down.

People won't know you were on the phone.

Hello-o!

ECHO: 'Hello-o!'

Let's hear it for Elsie! 'Let's hear it for Elsie!'

Elsie who?

'Elsie who?'

Elsie Wendell.

'Elsie Wendell.'

Hello-o!

'Hello-o!'

Another crackpot. Anyone we know?

Looks like Merv.

Let's hear it again!

'Let's hear it again!'

Elsie Wendell!

'Elsie Wendell!'

Who loves Elsie?

'Who loves Elsie?'

MERV!

What are you doing, Merv?

SPLASH!

Does that answer question?

Well?

Well, what?

Are you going to tell me?

Tell you what?

Why we're stuck in a field.

This isn't stuck in a field.

This is a place of concealment from where we can check on passing motorists.

With your eyes closed?

They're not closed. They are.

You're going to have a ziz.

What about you?

What are you doing?

Filling in my notebook.

0930 hours.

Cautioned reckless driver.

When?

0930.

You cautioned who?

You. You were driving like a prawn.

Suppose they're looking for US?

Why would they be looking for us?

Don't you think it's funny that they're here?

What are we doing that's illegal?

She asks, not for the first time.

You didn't need to creep up and shout like that.

We fished you out, though, didn't we?

And that's another thing. You should watch where you grab people.

Very picky for someone being rescued from drowning.

I wasn't drowning.

You were making enough noise.

It was freezing. I'm still freezing.

You got your love to keep you warm.

No.

She thinks I'm just a customer.

We'll get you warm. Grab hold of this.

You can run behind the truck.

Did you see that? What?

I knew it. Your eyes were closed.

That pickup's just passed and now they're towing a guy with a rope.

Round his neck?

No, it's not round his neck.

Fair enough. I'm not having anybody being towed by the neck on my patch.

You think that's all right, then?

Was the vehicle speeding?

No. I couldn't say it was speeding.

That's it, then. It's none of our business if it wasn't speeding.

And another thing.

There's a bush behind us walking away.

Oh, it's those two.

Are you sure there's only two?

They seem to cover some ground.

They're interested in insects.

Who told you that? He did.

Did you believe him? I don't believe anybody.

That's the trouble with this job.

You develop a hard crust.

Have you any of them sandwiches left?

No.

You've not started slimming, I hope.

You shouldn't be making these decisions unilaterally.

I'm not ready to lose weight.

I'm trying to find something you don't like.

Just what the old place needs - a wet person.

Thoroughly wet. He's in love.

Wet soon dries. Love takes longer.

Listen to Gypsy Rose Entwistle.

The electric Miss Lonelyhearts.

See lots of wild passion in washing-machine circles.

I never knew that.

Your machine 30 years old.

How much wild passion you expect?

Might we enquire where you found a Mervin in this soggy condition?

Middle of stream. Couldn't miss him.

He was only one there not fish.

Middle of stream? I was minding my own business on the bridge.

They practically pushed me in.

Has anyone noticed how wet persons lie? It's not a lie.

It's just an exaggeration.

What were you doing balancing on a bridge?

I was listening to the echo.

Hearing voices. Then jumps in.

I call that suspicious.

Not to mention dozy.

I hope you weren't planning on anything fatal.

Are you saying he's suicidal?

Close.

If he's suicidal, it's hardly worth drying him.

I'm not suicidal.

I'm just depressed.

He's in love with her at the pizza.

I think he needs some help.

He certainly sounds as if he needs some help.

I've no chance.

I was at school with her and she doesn't even remember me.

Try make bigger impression this time.

Why don't you just walk in and remind her?

I do walk in. I'm always walking in.

Trouble is I'm shy.

You can't just stand there.

You must speak to her.

I do speak to her.

Well, what have you said to her?

Well, it's not so much what you say.

It's trying to make your feelings clear between the lines.

Between what lines?

Thin and crispy marinara with extra anchovies.

What's up with him?

Not only depressed, he's full of pizza.

Pizza is the food of love.

Pizza? Well, it is for him.

With extra anchovies.

He's not still pining for the lady behind the counter in Percy's Pizzas?

Must be powerful attractive woman.

Then why is he so miserable?

Well, they say it's love, but I think it's cos he's still wet.

She once knew him, but now she's forgotten him.

Howard!

You get yourself back in the house where you belong.

You're supposed to be helping me.

There's worse things than being forgotten.

Howard!

OK, here's the plan.

You got plan?

You ask that of Alvin, maker of plans?

How long you had plan?

You were driving, I was working on a plan.

OK, let's hear plan.

We walk in,

we tell her she has a secret admirer and we fix up a meeting.

That's a plan? I could have figured that.

You haven't heard the clever bit.

This plan has clever bit?

All my plans have clever bits.

You had plan for making fortune on internet.

All my plans but that one have clever bits.

OK, let's hear clever bit.

We don't tell her who the admirer is.

We make a bit of a mystery of it.

Women can't resist a mystery.

Now you expert on women?

I've always been an expert on women.

I've done the homework.

I was engaged to one for 28 years.

Why so long?

You know how time flies.

She spent four years choosing curtains.

Right, let's make Merv's day.

Phwaw.

Did you see that?

Did Mervin? Maybe he needs glasses.

He's in more trouble than we thought.

Not only Mervin.

Tom said she didn't look bad.

Well, there you go, then.

They say beauty's in the eye of the beholder.

Wouldn't want that in my eye.

Maybe she comes with a free pizza.

Guy would have to really like pizzas.

It's not up to us, though, is it?

I mean, if that's what he wants, that's what he wants.

Would you want woman at Percy's Pizzas?

She looks more like Percy.

Let's try again.

We're ready for her this time.

I know that finger.

Show yourself, Howard!

Put the finger away, Howard.

I wanted you to watch me walking past in this.

Wouldn't want to miss that.

From the back would you know it was me?

Either you or Mad Mick from Macclesfield.

It doesn't look right, does it?

It would be fine for certain occasions.

Being buried, for instance.

I need to change the way I look.

I think I'm under surveillance.

You married her. It's not Pearl.

It's worse.

Worse than Pearl?!

You're going to need more than your grandfather's raincoat.

It was my uncle's.

He left me two suits and this in his will.

Wasn't he related to anybody taller?

I was his favourite. Good job you weren't that close to your auntie.

I think I'm in trouble.

I think the police are watching me.

HE TOOTS HORN

What?

What?!

Go on.

What?

This belonged to a theatrical gentleman,

who was famous for being a theatrical gentleman.

"I want simple," he said, "but with a fur collar."

I don't want anything conspicuous.

The simpler the better.

Auntie thinks it's you.

She took one look at the price and said, "That's him."

Haven't you anything without fur?

You've got your elbows. They're without fur.

I feel like I'm wearing two cats.

You look magnificent.

You were born to wear two cats.

Well, if you're going to be picky, what's the effect you're looking for?

Simple, unobtrusive.

Well, you've got simple nailed down, lad - ask anybody.

I want to blend.

I want to almost disappear into the background.

Oh, we can do that.

We did it for Smiler.

And you don't disappear much further than him.

Have you thought of a detachable fur collar?

No fur.

I want to blend.

With the right fur you could pass for a rabbit.

He can pass a rabbit when Pearl's after him.

Are you sure this will help me blend?

Where is he? Who said that?

Oh, you're there. I lost you for a minute.

Talk about blend!

She's agreed to meet me, her secret admirer? Trust me.

I'm Alvin, arranger of happy endings.

Ohhh! Get him off!

I think he likes you.

I think it's marvellous that somebody cared.

Where is she meeting me?

At the bridge. Where you fell in.

Place with sentimental memories for you.

Wet and cold.

That's great. That's fine.

I love it out there. That's going to be our spot, is that.

Ohhh! Get him off!

Can I go and take a peek?

At what? At Elsie. No, no, no.

That'll give the game away.

Don't let her know it's you until you meet.

She'll not know it's me.

I'll stand in the doorway pretending to read the menu.

More insects, Howard?

CRASH!

He's a lot sprightlier than when we met him.

A lot drier than when we met him.

We've lifted his spirits. Makes you feel good.

Makes you feel guilty.

What for?

Fixing him up with that in there.

Hey. There's no accounting for taste.

That's not her, you twit heads!

That's the other one that works there.

No way I'm going to meet HER!

You fixed him up with the wrong woman?

Well, how were we supposed to know there was more than one pizza lady?

So now the wrong woman is waiting at the bridge?

Waiting for her secret admirer.

Yeah, I know. I feel rotten.

Somebody ought to go and meet her.

Not my type.

She doesn't sound like anybody's type.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, I don't know though.

It's Action Man.

I'm trying to blend.

And it's working. I can see it.

You couldn't have picked anything better for your secret meeting tonight.

What meeting?

Don't tell me it's so secret they haven't even told you.

What secret?

Young lady said, "Tell Howard.

"Sudden secret meeting. Tonight."

Seven o'clock, at the Old Bridge.

What makes you think I know any young ladies?

Yes, that's the one.

And you're all dressed to blend.

Are you sure you didn't know about it?

It's news to me.

Good news. Look at twinkle in eye.

There's nothing twinkle about it.

I expect it's in connection with some work we're doing for charity.

Yoo hoo!

'Yoo hoo!'

Ohhhh!

Where do you find them?

What are you doing?

Starting a collection?

She was a complete stranger.

So why was she hugging you?

Are you sure she was hugging?

I thought I was being mugged.

You weren't struggling.

I was clutching me wallet.

I didn't hear any complaints

or even an echo.

I'm innocent. This time, I'm genuinely innocent.

Is this another one? Haven't seen you with this one before.

They're joking. Police sense of humour.

Where's he going now?

Probably off to see another one.

He does well with just a bicycle.

Ah, no!

Ah, here he is.

She spoke to me. She smiled.

"We've got an offer on pepperoni,"

she said, like it was just to me personally.

"Buy one, get the second half price!"

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd