All language subtitles for AbcdJen ef

Every day I get letters.

I think I get more letters than Santa
Claus, Zac Efron and Dr. Phil combined.

I'm kinda the shit.

Rec time started
five minutes ago, Needy.

Grassy-ass, Raymundo.

Sometimes, the letters are from people
who say they're praying for me.

They tell me everything will be okay
if I just accept Jesus Christ into my heart.

I say the words,
but nothing ever happens.

Nobody comes back.

Nobody gets off the cross.

Welcome to the Mental Olympics.

They're big on recreation here.

Supposedly, it helps us
vent our aggressions.

Oh, yeah!

Personally, I think they're
trying to wear us out,

keep us sluggish
so there won't be an uprising.

Well, those J.V. tactics
won't work against me.

I'm a kicker.

K- I-C-K-E-R.

It even says so on my chart.

Just one Toast 'Em, huh?

I like Toast 'Ems.
Well, that's good.

But I'm not sure a Toast 'Em can provide
sufficient energy during your day.

I recommend
more complex carob

- No, she didn't!
- I recommend you shut the fuck up!

All right.

Don't touch me!

I wasn't always this cracked.

I used to be normal.

Well, as normal as any girl
under the influence of teenage hormones.

But after the killings began,
I started to feel

I don't know-

loose around the edges
or something.

♪ ♪

God!

I hate this fucking song.

♪ ♪

This is where
it all went down.

"Devil's Kettle"
sounds twisted, I know,

but the place is just named
after a waterfall.

Technically,
it's not a normal waterfall.

It goes into this hole,
and it doesn't come out.

The scientist guys dropped
all kinds of things down there,

but nothing ever surfaces.

Maybe it's another dimension.

or, you know, just really deep.

I'm working the back of my calves,
and I'm working my heart.

We're talkin' about butt.
We're talkin' about legs.

We're talking about
virtually no impact.

This should sell for 14.95.

Whole body calorie burning.
Whole body muscle toning. Everything.

Now what about upper body?
All right. We'll do upper body.

Chicken! We're working my butt.
We're working my abs.

We're working
the inside of my thighs.

Now, here's one
of our new movements.

I want you to see the range of motion.
Just go to "Hurdle" or "Sprint.”

Look at the sprint
that I have.

How many people
can get that range of motion?

Say I wanna do just my hip flexors
or my buttocks even more.

I do what's called digging.

Look at the range of motion. I use
this for a lot of swimwear models.

Very, very, very important.
How 'bout Butt Squeeze?

Yup. I see you wanted to touch.

That's a good way
- Not this show! Not touching this show€

Jennifer didn't always look this rough.

♪ ♪

Just two months ago, me, Jennifer
and my boyfriend, Chip,

were completely
normal people.

We were our yearbook pictures.

Nothing more, nothing less.

♪ one ♪
♪ I'm biting my tongue ♪

♪ Two ♪
♪ He's kissin' on you ♪

♪ Three ♪
♪ oh, why can't you see ♪

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

There’s Jennifer.

only back then, we were tight.

Sisters, practically.

People found it hard to believe
that a babe like Jennifer...

would associate
with a dork like me.

Sandbox love never dies.

♪ Dance, dance, dance, dance ♪
♪ You are the girl ♪

♪ That I've been dreaming of♪

You're totally
lesbi-gay.

What?
She's my best friend.

♪ Ever since
I was a little girl ♪

♪ one ♪
♪ I'm biting my tongue ♪

♪ Two ♪
♪ He's kissing on you ♪

Hey, Monistat.
What's up, Vagisil?

You and me are going out
tonight. Uh, tonight. Why?

Because Low Shoulder
are playing at Melody Lane.

They're this indie rock band
from the city.

I saw their My Space page,
and the lead singer's extra salty.

Plus, there'll be lots
of other salty morsels there for you.

Come on, Needy. I promised Chip that
I would hang out with him tonight.

Boo. Cross out Needy.

What time is the show?
I'll pick you up at 8:30.

My mom has a date with that
guy who owns the ham store.

He seems nice.

Wear something cute, okay?
Okay.

"Wear something cute" meant something
very specific in Jennifer-speak.

It meant I couldn't look like a total zero,
but I couldn't upstage her either.

I could expose my stomach,
but never my cleavage.

Tits were her trademark.

Those jeans are hella low.
I can almost see your front butt.

It's a rock show.
This is my rock look.

Well, I can see, like,
your womb, so

I've never even heard
of Low Shoulder.

Which one is Jennifer
stalking? The lead singer.

Girls like her don't go out
with drummers.

- Thanks a lot.
- No offense.

She'd probably make an exception if you were,
like, a drummer who's also the lead singer.

- Like Phil Collins.
- Who's Phil Collins?

Forget it.
He's seminal, but whatever.

Anyway, this singer guy,
Jennifer says he's extra salty, so-

Salty.

Salty means beautiful.

Well, then you must be
soy sauce, babe.

Jennifer's here.

How do you know?
Needy!

Quit tampooning yourself
and get down here.

That's fucking weird.

Better hurry
before she gets annoyed.

You always do what Jennifer
tells you to do.

No, I don't. It’s just that I like
the same things that she likes.

We have stuff in common.
That's why we're biffs.

You guys don't have
anything in common.

Yeah. okay, Chip.

Guess who's got the whip
until 11:30.

A 2003 Chrysler Sebring,
and it's all mine.

oh, hi, Chip.

It smells like Thai food in here.

- Have you guys been fucking?
- You're gross.

- You're gross. You're gross.
- You're so gross.

Fuck you.
Let's go to the club.

Melody Lane is not a club.
It's a bar.

It's not even a bar. It's
like a bingo hall with taps.

Eat my ass, Chip. You're just Jell-O
'cause you're not invited.

I'm not Jell-o.
That place is disgusting.

Everyone in there has a
mustache. You're totally Jell-O.

You're lime-green Jell-O, and you
can't even admit it to yourself.

Stop kidnapping my girlfriend.

♪
You wish.

Chip was right.

Melody Lane is definitely not a club.

Clubs are for attractive people
in populous urban areas.

Clubs have D.J.'s and champagne.

As they come around the corner-

All we have is a jukebox
and a sticker toilet.

♪ You wanna fly
Don't want your feet on the ground ♪

♪ You stay up, you won't come down ♪

I cannot wait until I'm
old enough to get wasted.

Hey, Jennifer.
You look really pretty.

What up, Craig?

He thinks he's cute enough for me.
And that's why he's in retard math.

Swing and miss.

Hey, it's Ahmet from India,
that foreign exchange guy.

I wonder if he's circumcised.

I always wanted
to try a sea cucumber.

Ew.

Jennifer Check. Shouldn't
poison yourself with that shit.

Unless you want me
to arrest ya for possession.

You're gonna arrest me? You're not
even out of the academy yet, Roman.

Two more months.
Then I'm on the force for real.

Are you, uh
you're gonna cuff me?

Don't do that.

Okay? Not here.

Hey, that's the band.

Mmm. You can totally tell
they're from the city.

Yeah, 'cause they're wearing eyeliner.
They look like a bunch off gays.

Well, you would think that, Roman,
because you're a small-time Gamer.

I wish we had more guys
like that in Devil's Kettle.

All stylish and shit.

I think they need two groupies.

No! No. Come on.
Don't be so J.V., Needy.

They’re just boys, morsels.
We have all the power.

Don't you know that?
These things?

These are like
smart bombs. Okay?

You point them in the right
direction, and shit gets real.

Hi.
Hi.

Uh we just wanted to
meet you or something.

I'm Jennifer Check,
and this is my friend.

Hi. I'm Nikolai.

This is, uh
These guys are my band.

Low Shoulder. Yeah, we've
heard I've heard about you.

You play your instruments
really super good.

Thank you.
We are professionals.

Hey. Sorry.
Could I ask you a question?

Um, why would you wanna play
all the way out here in Devil's Kettle?

You live in the city, right?
Yeah.

But, you know, I think it's really important
sometimes to try and connect with our fans...

in the shitty areas too.

That's amazing.

Can I, um Can I buy you a drink?

Sure. What are we having?

They have this really awesome
9/11 tribute shooter.

It's red, white and blue, but you have to
drink it really fast or it turns brownish.

All right. Well, we'll
drink it fast. okay.

- Okay.
- I'll be right back.

Hey, how- how are you
gonna get alcohol?

Um, I'll just play Hello Titty
with the bartender.

Aw, shit.

Dirk, what about her?

- Who, Jan Brady?
- No, man. Fuck you.

I'm talking about the one who went to get
me a drink. The State Fair Butter Princess.

That's the one. I don't
know. Are you sure she's-

Listen, I grew up
in a town like this, okay?

There's always that girl. They love to
show it off, but they do not give it up.

You told us
you were from Brooklyn.

My point is, this girl is
definitely a virgin, okay?

- I know girls like that. I've dated chicks
- I don't know.

Well, we didn't drive
all the way out here for nothing, so

Fine. Okay? You know,
I'm not just your bassist.

I'm a person with feelings
who happens to play the bass-

- Excuse me.
- I'd like a little respect around here.

Look, I didn't know
you had feelings. Hey.

Hey. That's my best friend
that you're talking about.

And you're right.
She is a virgin.

And that beats sleeping
with creeps like you.

Tower One
isn't full enough.

Those guys are rank, Jen.
Just forget about it.

You know what? I think
the lead singer wants me.

Only because he thinks that you're
a virgin. I heard them talking.

What? I'm not even a backdoor
virgin anymore, thanks to Roman.

And by the way, that hurts.

I couldn't even go
to Flags the next day.

I had to stay home and sit
on a bag of frozen peas.

Oh, my God.

Good evening, Devil's Lake.
Devil's Kettle!

Fuckin'- A right, it is.

♪

♪ All alone in an empty room ♪

♪ Nothing left but the memories ♪

♪ Of when ♪

♪ I had my best friend ♪

♪ And I don't know
how we ended up here ♪

♪ I don't know
but it's never been so clear♪

♪ We made a mistake, dear♪

♪ And I see ♪

♪ The broken glass in front of me ♪

♪ I see ♪

♪ Your shadow hanging over me ♪

♪ And your face, I can see ♪

♪ Through the trees ♪

♪ I will find you ♪

♪ I will heal ♪

♪ The ruins left inside you ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm still here
breathing now ♪

♪ I'm still here breathing now ♪

♪ I'm still here
breathing now ♪

♪ Until I'm set free ♪

♪ Goin' quiet through the trees ♪

♪ And I remember
how we used to talk ♪

♪ About the places we would go
when we grew up ♪

♪ And all that
we were gonna find ♪

♪ And I remember
watching our seeds grow ♪

♪ And how you cried when you
saw the first leaf show ♪

♪

Let's go!

No!

Run!

We can't get
through there!

I know where to go!

Hey. Hey. Jen?

Hey.

Jennifer? oh, thank God
you guys are all right.

I've been looking
everywhere for you two.

Listen, it's really
dangerous out here.

You wanna head someplace
safer, like my van? What?

I'm in survival mode right now,
and I want us to get to a familiar place.

And right now, I feel
like that's my van. okay.

Okay, this one's
in shock. Great.

Are you in shock?
Have some of that.

No.

Jennifer?

Hey.

Let's go, Jennifer!
Let's go to the van.

I wanna go to your really cool
van. Needy, let's go see his van.

Why? Why should we?

We have the Sebring.
Let’s just get out of here!

Let's go to L.o. o. and get some
Northwoods Nachos with extra badger sauce.

- Please? I'm starving.
- Needy, stop it! Just shut up.

I watched her get into that van,

and I knew something awful
was going to happen.

He was skinny
and twisted and evil,

like this petrified tree
I saw when I was a kid.

Oh.

- Hey, Niedermeyer.
- Oh, thank God you're there.

What's wrong?
Jennifer's gone.

She ran off with that rock band,
and Melody Lane burned down.

You're okay, right?
Uh, yeah.

But there was this huge stampede,

and all the people that fainted
got run over,

and you could hear
their bones breaking.

And the people

like, the people on fire
just smelled like

This is crazy. Jennifer's
still with those creeps.

They took her in their spooky van
with the windows all blacked out.

- Did you get the make and model?
- I don't know, Chip. An '89 Rapist?

She's still in there.
We have to go find her.

Who cares about Jennifer
and those douche bags...

with their douche bag haircuts
and their man-sacra?

People just burned to death.

Oh, cheese and fries.
There's somebody here!

I'm all alone.
I'm freaked out.

- Where is your mom?
- Swing shift.

Stay on the phone
with me, okay?

Needy, do you want me
to come over or something?

I don't know. Maybe.

Needy?

Okay, so now
there's no one here.

That's so strange.

Maybe I'm going crazy.

It's probably nothing.

Look, I'll call you later.
Okay.

Hi.

Jen.

What happened?

Jen?

Um

My mom got that at Boston Market,
and I'm I'm not supposed to-

Jennifer. Jennifer?

Jennifer.

Are you scared?

Jennifer!

Another body under here!

♪

I heard Needy and Jennifer
were there,

and they had to fight their
way out with a machete.

Look, she's not
even moving.

It's called post-traumatic
stress disorder.

My dad was in operation
Enduring Freedom,

and he totally, like, stopped talking
for, like, months.

I'll be Perfect Prom Betty,
and you be her.

Why do I have to be Ugly Ashley?

Ow!
What's wrong, Jennifer?

Don't tell my mom about this.
She'll make me a shot.

I never tell on you.

Where's it at, Monistat?

- You're all right.
- Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?

'Cause last night
at my house, you were

You do have a tendency
to overreact.

Remember when we were in Girl Scout camp,
and you thought that there was an earthquake,

but it was just two guys
with a ghetto blaster?

People died, Jennifer.

It's, like, all over the news.
National news.

Anybody that we know?
We know everyone.

Sucks to be them, I guess.

What is wrong with you?
What's wrong with you?

Besides the obvious surface flaws.

I knew it was real.

I'd been up all night,
scrubbing the carnage off the linoleum.

Shoot.

Please don't talk to yourself.

It's one of your more
freakish Needy behaviors...

and it makes us both look
like total gaylords.

Ew. Fuck. You need a main bad.

You should find a Chinese chick
to buff your situation.

This is a dark, dark day...

for Devil's Kettle.

And believe me you,
I have lived through some

some pretty heavy stuff.

We lost eight precious students...

including Ahmet from India,

several parents...

and our beloved Spanish teacher,

Sonority Erickson.

No way. Erickson ate shit?

Now more than ever,
put aside your teenage concerns...

about who's a cool dude,
or who's a ho.

We can't let that damn fire win.

It already won.

God bless you kids.

There's no band practice today.
There's no anything today.

It's surreal, right? When just one person
dies in Devil's Kettle, it's like time stops.

Feel guilty just breathing.

Word.

Chip, I need to tell you
something kinda weird.

It's about Jennifer.
What?

You know how last night we were talking,
and someone came to my house? It was Jennifer.

She looked like she had been
beaten up or shot or something.

And then she barfed up
this, like, disgusting, prickly stuff...

that looked like road kill and,
like, sewing needles mixed together.

Yuck.

Well, she probably just inhaled a
whole bunch of smoke or something.

No, Chip. No, it was like

It was, like, evil.

Needy, I think you might wanna
talk to the school shrink.

I'm not saying that
to be a dill hole.

Chip, I don't tell whoppers,
and I'm not crazy.

I didn't say you were crazy.

It’s just, everybody's a little messed
up about this, and it's okay to feel

Discombobulated?
Yeah. Fucked up.

Hey, Needy.

- Oh, hi, Colin.
- I heard you were there last night in the fiery trenches.

Yeah.

Well, I'm glad you didn't die.

- Thanks.
- Seriously.

How are you friends
with Colin Gray?

I thought Colin Gray
only talked to the Dead Girls.

I just am. We have
Creative Nonfiction together.

He's a really good writer. He's,
like, all dark and emotional and stuff.

Oh. Well, I'm like that too.
I mean, I can relate.

You know, I'm not all obvious
about it like a poser.

Walk me home?

You know it, babe.

♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

Hi.
Hey, Jennifer.

I'm crazy sorry about
your profound loss.

You are crying about Craig, right?

He was my best friend.

You know, I was there last night,

and I was probably the last person
to talk to him, like, ever.

Wow.
You know what he said?

Craig said that he always
thought you and me...

would make
a totally banging couple.

Isn't that just so weird?

He He said "banging"?

Feel my heart, Jonas.

I think it's broken.

Mine too.

You come with me,
just for a little while.

It's what Craig would have wanted.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

You're so warm.
Why are you so warm?

Shutties.

Jennifer.

Jen.
What?

Look.

Mm-hmm.

They're waiting.

Okay.

Mmm.

Do you miss Craig?

Of course.

Well, you're gonna see
your buddy really soon.

What, you mean,
like, in heaven someday?

Nope.

God.

Let it all out, kids.

♪You want some baloney, Spector?

And that was Low Shoulder,
the local band...

who became unlikely heroes of the
tragedy in Devil's Kettle last night.

Eyewitnesses say the boys helped
numerous people escape the inferno,

risking their own lives
in the process.

That's rock and roll with a
conscience, ladies and gentlemen.

And guess what. We are honored to have
Low Shoulder in the studio right now.

Now, how you guys holdin' up?

We're maintaining, man.

It's not easy, but,
you know, the real heroes...

are the people
of Devil's Lake.

I just hope we can convey 1/10th
of their courage and spirit...

on our upcoming album.

Virgin mother.

♪
Crap.

You said it.
Hey, Mom.

I didn't know
you were up.

Yeah.

Oh, God. I had another one
of my night terrors.

Well, it's 4:00, so technically
you had a day terror.

Right.

What'd you dream about?

I dreamed some bad people were
trying to nail you to a tree...

with hammers
and big stakes and shit.

Just like J.C.

But I didn't let 'em get you, 'cause
I'm a hard-assed, Ford-tough mama bear.

I can take care of myself.

Yeah, you say that,

but one day you're gonna be crying
out for me, and I'm not gonna be there.

No!

We will get the man who did
this to your son. Hear me.

I'll kill him myself.

I will.

Do you hear me, you bastard?

I'll cut off your nut sack
and nail it to my door...

like one of those lion door
knockers rich folks got!

That will be your balls!

Fatalities have grown
in a horrific fire...

that destroyed a popular
local nightclub...

in Devil's Kettle last night.

Yeah?
I feel so scrumptious!

Goody for you. You know when you
kiss a boy for the first time,

and it feels like your
entire body is on vibrate?

- Yeah?
- It's that good.

Well, that's nice.

Me, I'm still a little bit depressed
about, you know,

the giant, smoldering funeral
pyre in the middle of town.

Move-on-dot-org, Needy.
It's over.

Life is too short to be moping around
about some white-trash pig roast.

That's sweet, Jen.

You know, I tell it like it is.

And besides, you know what?

You should be happy for me
because I am having the best day...

since, like, Jesus invented the calendar.

Jesus didn't invent
the calendar.

Whatever.

other line. Hold on.

- So blow it off.
- It'll just be a minute.

Pooh. I'm crossing you out.

Hey.

I need to see you right now.
I can barely hear you.

♪It's because Camille
is playing the piano.

Knock it off, Camille!
You knock it off!

Can you meet me
at McCollum in 10?

You knock it off, Chip!
You're a penis cheese!

Uh, 15?

♪ Heard you're new in town ♪

♪ Want someone to show you round ♪

♪ Well, no one knows this place
just quite like me ♪

- I gotta go.
- I am a god.

Okay. I gotta meet Chip
in McCollum Park.

You know, Chip is looking
really cute to me lately.

So, tell me, is he, uh, like, packing
some serious pubic inches?

What's the story down there?

I gotta go.

Why are the cops
at your house?

They're not. They're
at Jonas Kozelle's house.

Why? He try to sell fake peyote to the eighth
graders again? No, Needy. He was murdered.

What?
Yeah.

Someone ripped Jonas limb from
limb in the woods behind school.

They ate parts of him.

No one's even supposed to know yet, but my dad
just went over there and talked to the cops.

His mom is, like, catatonic.

She’s just staring out the front window
like a zombie mannequin robot statue.

This can't
be a coincidence.

What are you
talking about, Needy?

A fiery death trap
last night,

and now a cannibal psycho takes
down the biggest guy in school?

Come on.
It's freaktarded.

Well, the bad luck's
gotta be over, right?

I mean, it can't get any worse,
right? It can't.

I mean, you agree, right?

You're shaking.

Well, I'm cold.
It's very cold out here.

You want my hoodie?

♪ All alone in an empty room ♪

The days marched on as usual,

but most of us were too numb
to enjoy ourselves.

Most of us.

♪ And I don't know
how we ended up here ♪

♪ I don't know
but it's never been so clear♪

♪ We made a mistake, dear♪

To the rest of the world,
we were famous. We were saints.

our town's only bar
had burned to the ground,

and our star linebacker
was someone's Snack Pack.

The whole country got a huge
tragedy boner for Devil's Kettle.

And the press, God! They couldn't
get enough of our little world of shit.

♪ Through the trees ♪

♪ I will find you ♪

♪ I will heal ♪

♪ The ruins left inside you ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm still here breathing now ♪

♪ I'm still here breathing now ♪

♪ Until I'm set free ♪

♪ Go quiet through the trees ♪

Still, we were healing.

Like Chip, we figured things
could only get better. Hey!

We had faith.

We were fucking idiots.

Before the period ends,
I'd like to make an announcement.

As you all know, today is
the one month anniversary...

of the tragedy
at Melody Lane...

and the murder of Jonas Kozelle.

Boring.
Jesus!

What a bitch.

As I was saying,
Jennifer and Needy,

I finally have some good news
to share with all of you.

The members of the rock and roll
group Low Shoulder...

have decided to extend a
helping hand to our community.

As you all know, their song,
"Through The Trees,"

has become our unofficial anthem...

of unity and healing.

And they have decided
to release it as a benefit single.

Three percent of the profits
will go to local families...

who have been affected by loss.

What about the other 97%?

I mean, that’s just crass, right?

"Crass. " It means greedy,
exploitative, scummy.

Low Shoulder
are American heroes.

No, they're not!
I was there, Chastity.

They didn't help anybody
escape the fire.

I don't even know how
that rumor got started.

Rumor? Rumor?

It's true.
It's on the Wikipedia.

We wouldn't even know who they were
if they hadn't been playing that night.

- They used us.
- You take that back, Needy Lesnicki.

- Girls
- We need them now more than ever.

That's enough.

I'm already sick of that song.

Yeah, it's really poorly produced.

Could the bass
be any lower in the mix?

No offense, but you
look really tired.

Is everything okay?
No. I feel like boo-boo.

My skin is breaking out,
and my hair is dull and lifeless.

God. It's like I'm one
of the normal girls.

Are you P.M.S.
- ing or something'? P.M.S. isn't real, Needy.

It was invented by the boy-run
media to make us seem crazy.

Don't look at me like that!

It’s just wearing off
or something.

What's wearing off?

Hello, Needy.
Hi.

Jennifer.
Hi, Colin.

Can I borrow your English homework
again? I forgot to read Hamlet.

Is he gonna fuck his mom?

No I don't ” I don't ”
I don't think so.

Um, I actually wanted
to ask you something.

You wanna know if I'll
go out with you? No!

Yeah. What? l

- I don't g How'd you know?
- Just go ahead with the pitch.

okay. Um

Well, we've been having
a lot of fun in class, you and I,

and I thought that maybe you'd
like to go see a movie or something.

There's a, uh, midnight showing of
Rocky Horror at the Bijou next weekend.

I don't like boxing movies.

Yeah, but it's no
It's not a... fucking boxing movie.

Um, fuck it.
Okay. Forget it.

- That was random.
- I'm used to boys asking me out, Needy.

Colin's really nice.

He's into maggot rock.
He wears nail polish.

My dick is bigger than his.
I think he's really cool.

You do?
Yeah.

Wait. Colin.

Why don't you just come by
my place tonight?

I just got Aquamarine on DVD. It's
about this girl who's, like, half-sushi.

I guess she has sex through
her blowhole or something.

Okay.

Great, yeah.

Okay. I'll text you
my address.

Cool.

Hi.
Hey.

Mmm. Hi, Chip.

Hey, hey.
Ugh.

Get a room.

So, talking to your mysterious
pal Colin Gray again.

No. He was asking Jennifer
out on a date. That's weird.

So are you gonna come over
tonight? Sure, I'd like that.

I went to Super Target
and picked up more condoms, so

Thanks. Not that that
has anything to do with

Oh, no, I didn't assume that.
Well, I'm

Okay. I'll see you tonight then.

Okay.

♪ The roads are wrapped around
your waist ♪ It's for ambience.

♪ They lead me place to place ♪
It's Jammin' Jasmine.

My mom has Holiday Scents,
too, if you’re

This is nice.
♪ In fact, I made a career out of it ♪

♪ I've always thought the left
was your strongest side ♪

♪ But when it comes to you
now I can't decide ♪

♪ It's only a matter of♪

♪ Time ♪

♪

♪ I can see clearly now
the rain has gone ♪

♪ I can see all obstacles in my way ♪

♪ Gone are the dark clouds
that had me blind ♪

♪ It's gonna be a bright
bright sunshiny day ♪

♪ I think I can make it now
the rain has gone ♪

♪ All of the bad feelings
have disappeared ♪

♪ Here is the rainbow
I've been prayin' for♪

♪ It's gonna be a bright
bright sunshiny day ♪

♪

Hello.

♪

Jennifer?

♪ I know you seen me looking at you
and you already know ♪

♪ I wanna love you
love you ♪

♪ You already know ♪

♪ I wanna love you
love you ♪

♪ You already know ♪

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

"Slippery Swirl"?

Yeah, it's, uh, supposed to
make it feel good for the girl.

Cool.

♪ Baby, you got a phatty
the type I like to marry ♪

♪ Wantin' to just give you everything
and that's kinda scary ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm lovin'
the way you shake your ass ♪

♪ Bouncin'
Got me tippin' my glass ♪

♪ Normally don't get
caught up too fast ♪

♪ Got a thing for you ♪

♪ I see you windin', grindin' ♪

♪ Up on that floor ♪

♪ I know you see me looking at you ♪

♪ And you already know ♪

♪ I wanna love you
love you ♪

♪ You already know ♪

Oh.

♪ I wanna love you
love you ♪

♪ You already know, girl ♪

You made it.

What's going on?

This, uh

This isn't really your house, is it?

No, baby.

This is our house,
just for you and me.

We can play Mommy and Daddy.

Do you even know my last name?

Silly.

I've been sending you
signals all year.

Couldn't you tell?

You give me such a wettie.

Put it in.

Jennifer!

What? Are you scared?

I thought boys like you were really
into vermin and death and shit.

Here you go.

Nice hardware, ace.

No way.

Ow! Shit!
ooh! Puncture wound.

God, that's so emo.

I need you frightened.

I need you hopeless.

Hopeless.

Hopeless.

What? What?

What?

Am I hurting you?

Am I too big?

What?

Needy. What's wrong?

Is it something I did?

♪ Through the trees ♪

♪ I will ♪

Mommy? Mommy!

Hi.

- God, Needy,
enough with the screaming!

You're such a cliché©.
Get out!

But we always share your bed
when we have slumber parties.

I'm not gonna bite you.

Is that
my Evil Dead T-shirt?

What the fuck is happening?

My God, Needy.

I have never heard you
drop the F-bomb before.

I saw you!
I saw I saw ” I saw the ”

Slow down, tardy slip.
You sound like a sped.

I'm gonna call the police. okay.

Why don't you
narc me out?

I have the cops
in my back pocket, Needy.

I'm fucking a cadet.
Remember?

What do you want from me?

Just want to explain
some things to you.

Besides, best friends
don't keep secrets.

Right?

So, you remember the night of the
fire? I got really messed up.

And those guys from Low Shoulder
- totally evil.

They're basically,
like, agents of Satan...

with really awesome haircuts.

♪

Where- Where are we going?

You don't have to talk
if you don't want to.

♪ All right, dear
Have a nice year♪

♪ Teach the mean girls ♪

♪ How to be feared ♪

Are you guys rapists?

- ♪
- Oh, God, I hate girls.

♪ You could be satisfied ♪

Are you even sure
if she's a fucking virgin, man?

Yes. Yes, I'm a virgin.
I'm a virgin.

I've never even done sex.
I don't know how.

So you guys should find
somebody who does...

know how.

See, Dirk? I told you, man.
You owe me a beer.

- What did they do to you?
- Just let me finish.

♪
So they drove me out to the falls...

and I kept looking for a way to escape,
but it's really dark out there.

Where are you going? Huh?

We got a waxing moon tonight,
you guys, just like the ritual says.

Please!

No! Please!

Please!

Do one of you guys have
something to shut her up with?

Great. But get it nice and tight, though,
'cause I don't wanna get fuckin' clawed.

I don't know if we should
go through with this.

Dirk.

Do you wanna work at Moose Hoof
Coffee forever? I don't, okay?

Do you wanna be
a big loser, or...

do you wanna be
rich and awesome...

like that guy from Maroon 5?

Maroon 5.

Okay.
That's what I thought.

Go and fetch me
the ritual, brother.

okay.
What the fuck?

Thank you.

- All right.
- That's it?

Yeah. I found it online.

"We come here tonight
to sacrifice the body of"

What is your name again?
Tiffany?

My name is Jennifer.
Super.

"We come here tonight to sacrifice the
body of Jennifer from Devil's Kettle. "

Please, please.
Please, please, don't do this.

I'll do anything.
I'll do anything you want.

Do you know how hard it is
to make it as an indie band these days?

There's so many of us,
and we're all so cute...

and it's like,
if you don't get on Letterman...

or some retarded soundtrack,
you're screwed, okay?

Satan is our only hope.

We're in league with the beast now, and we
have to make a really big impression on him.

And to do that, we're going to have
to butcher you and bleed you.

And then Dirk here's
gonna wear your face.

Relax. I'm kidding about the face.
The rest is gonna happen though.

Why don't you just get a
publicist? We can make T-shirts.

I could be a part
of your street scene. Please.

Sorry. No can do.

But you know what? Maybe we'll write a song
about you. As a fan, that'd be cool, right?

No! No!
With the deepest malice,

we deliver this virgin
unto thee.

Dude, that is a hot murder
weapon. It's a bowie knife.

Bowie? Nice.

- Here we go! It's gonna be gnarly!
- No, please, please!

No, please, God! Wait a second.
I just thought of something.

Jenny, Jenny,
you're the girl for me.

You don't know me,
but you make me so happy.

I tried to call you before,
but I lost my nerve.

♪ I used my imagination ♪

♪ But I was disturbed ♪

♪ Jenny, I got your number♪

♪ I need to make you mine ♪

♪ Jenny, don't change your number♪

♪ 867-5309 ♪

♪ 867-5309 ♪

They killed you.

I'm still here, aren't I?

They did go all Benihana on my ass with
that knife and it should have killed me,

but for some reason it didn't.

Maybe it did.

Anyway, I don't really remember
what happened after that.

I just know that I woke up
and I found my way back to you.

I remember.

I couldn't bring myself
to hurt you.

I mean,
I'm a really good friend,

but I was just so hungry.

Ahmet.

You made it out.

Are you lost?

Does your host family
know you're alive?

Does anyone know you’re alive?

You come with me.

We're gonna sort
all this out, okay?

And ever since then, I just knew
what I had to do to be strong.

And when I'm full,
like I am right now,

I'm, like, unkillable.

Like, I can do shit
like this. Watch.

It's really cool. Just watch. Look.

It's, like, some X-Men shit, right?

What do you mean, when you're full?

What about my mom's Kia?
Why were you covered in blood?

You didn't even look human.

You know, Needy, maybe you should
talk to somebody about these...

disturbing thoughts
that you're having.

We're all really concerned.

Especially Chip.

I think he may be having
second thoughts about you.

Leave. Come on, Needy.
Let me stay the night.

We can play boyfriend-girlfriend
like we used to.

What are you doing?
Um, you said to leave.

See you at school.

We are gathered here
to celebrate the life of Colin Gray,

who was plucked
from the prime of his youth

Colin!

Take me with you!

I belong down there...
in the darkness!

No, Kevin. Those are just
his earthly remains.

He's among the dark
angels of the realm now.

Fly, Colin.
Fly into the firmament.

Colin wouldn't like this.

You think so?

Yeah, you're right.

I'm pretty sure my son wouldn't have
liked being eaten by a fucking cannibal...

and buried
before his 18th birthday.

Wow. You must have
known him so well. Jill.

By the time they found Colin
in that godforsaken house,

he looked like lasagna with teeth.

I'd know.
I had to identify the remains.

My boy...

is not in the realm of the undead.

He is not flying around
in the firmament...

on magical wings of flame.

He's in an overpriced rosewood box...

that's headed six feet downtown.

So...

you can take your pain...

and you can shove it
up your asses, kids.

I got the monopoly on pain.

They did a big memorial assembly
f or Colin at school.

And we had to watch another presentation
about curfews and the buddy system...

and how to deal with grief.

But nobody seemed
to care anymore.

Sorrow was last week's emotion.

Sure, we all hoped
this would be the last funeral,

but I knew better.

So I did some research.

Paranormal research.

"offering a virgin to Satan. "

"If the sacrifice is impure-

Human and demonic relations"

"Destroying a demon.

"Demons are weakest when hungry,

but a blade to the heart
is the surest way to kill the beast. "

Jennifer and I hadn't spoken
since our encounter in my room.

Actually, I hadn't really
spoken to anyone.

Hey.

Just bought our formal tickets.

Did you make reservations
at the Cheesecake Factory?

Chip, I can't go
to the dance with you.

What? Why?

Look, just trust me.
You shouldn't go at all.

What are you talking about?
Not here.

What's going on?
You're breaking up with me?

Please, Chip! I just need
to show you something.

Is this about Jennifer?
Yes!

But I promise you this is the last
thing Needy, I care about you. A lot.

As a person, not just some girl I made
love to for f our minutes the other night.

And I'm scared of what's happening to
you. You're acting really fucked up.

Please just let me show you.

Okay.

Jennifer's evil.

I know.

No, I mean, she's actually evil.

Not high-school evil.

I've been through the occult
section at the library five times.

Our library
has an occult section?

Yeah, it's um it's really small.

Uh, you have to read this.

"Demoni"
"Demonic transference. "

It's something that happens when you
try to sacrifice a virgin to Satan...

without using an actual virgin.

The guys in the band tried to
sacrifice her in the woods.

But what they didn't know is that she
hasn't been a virgin since junior high.

It all makes sense now.
Read this.

"If the human sacrifice is impure,
the result may still be attained,

"but the demon will forever reside
in the soul of the victim.

She must forever feed on flesh
to sustain the demon. "

- Okay.
- She's eating boys!

They, like, make her
really pretty and glowy...

and her hair looks amazing.

And then when she's hungry,
she's weak and cranky and ugly.

I mean, like, ugly f or her.

Don't you get it?

The dance.

It'll be like an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Needy, I think you need help.

oh, my God. You don't believe me.

It's not that I don't believe you.
I just don't believe this.

God! This is a nightmare!

Well, what about the dance?

Who cares about
the goddamn dance, Chip?

I do. I ordered your corsage.

It's an orchid. It was, like, $12.

I'll be at the dance.
I just need to keep an eye on Jennifer.

Promise me you're not gonna go.

Needy, l
I'm not your guy anymore?

Chip, it's not safe for us
to be together right now.

♪ You hit me once
I hit you back ♪

♪ You gave a kick
I gave a slap ♪

♪ You smashed a plate over my head ♪

♪ Then I set fire to our bed ♪

♪ You hit me once
I hit you back ♪

♪ You gave a kick
I gave a slap ♪

♪ You smashed a plate over my head ♪

♪ Then I set fire to our bed ♪

♪ Ohh-oh-oh ♪

♪ You hit me once
I hit you back ♪

♪ You gave a kick
I gave a slap ♪

♪
All over Devil's Kettle,

kids were getting ready f or the dance,

blissfully ignorant
that some poor chump...

was on his way to being Satan Chow.

♪ Yeah, whoo-ooh-ooh
ooh-ooh ♪

♪

In my underpants, Mom!
I need to give you something.

What, Mom?

Ladies' pepper spray?

There's obviously
a sicko out there who likes boys.

Mom, I can take care of myself.
I've been using the Bowflex.

Did you hear what Colin Gray
looked like when they found him?

Lasagna with teeth?
You heard.

♪

You picking Needy up
at her house?

Um, I'm meeting her
at the dance.

I want pictures with your sister
before you go.

Yes, ma'am.

♪ Stop there and let me correct it ♪

♪ I wanna live a life
from a new perspective ♪

♪ You come along
because I love your face ♪

♪ And I'll admire your expensive taste ♪

♪ And who cares
Divine intervention ♪

♪ I wanna be praised
from a new perspective ♪

Okay, one more.
Back to back.

Big smiles. Cheese!

♪

♪

This is my heart.
My soul.

Everything
I once believed in.

Your abortion.

Your other abortion. I
hate your guts, Madison.

♪ I love the dreaming
when I think of ♪

♪ The safety in the clouds
out my window ♪

♪ I wonder what keeps us
so high up ♪

♪

♪ Keep very quiet and cling
to my mouth as I'm cryin' ♪

♪ So frightened of dyin'
Relax, yes, I'm tryin' ♪

♪ But fear's got a hold
on me ♪

♪ Yes, this f ear's
got a hold on me ♪

okay, can we all

♪ Yes, this fear's got a hold
on me ♪Quiet down, please.

Uh, boys? Thank you.

Didn't you hear me
calling your name?

You weren't
calling my name.

Yes, I was.

I- I couldn't hear it.

Listen, I need to talk
to you about you-know-who.

Our little Needy.

Yeah, she I mean, are you worried?

Because I am
super stressed about her.

Welcome
to the Spring Formal!

She's been acting
a little off lately.

Look, I think I know
what's wrong with her.

What? What is it?

You know how Needy has been
really upset since Colin Gray died?

Mm-hmm.

Well, it's not just because he was,
like, brutally murdered and stuff.

I don't wanna say this!
Say it.

I hope everybody
has had an opportunity...

to consume some of the pecan
sandies and Cran-Grape...

that were so generously donated
by the parents club.

Yeah!

Needy and Colin
were intimate.

And by that...

I mean they were fucking
on a semi-regular basis.

No.

She and Colin were doing things
that you have never even heard of.

Okay?
Total varsity moves.

But the real treat
is yet to come.

We have some special guests
this evening.

I just can't believe that she would
mess with your head like this.

I care about you
so much, Chip.

More than I've ever
had the guts to admit.

These fine young gentlemen...

have been generous enough
to take time out...

from their sold-out national tour...

to play our dance
for free.

Needy didn't deserve
a boy like you.

Boys and girls,
please welcome...

Low Shoulder!

♪ All alone in an empty room ♪

♪ Nothing left but the memories ♪

♪ Of when ♪

♪ I had my best friend ♪

Oh, you're so salty.

Yeah, you're... salty too.

Say it like you mean it.

Say I'm better than Needy.

What? Why?

♪ Take my breath ♪

♪ As your own ♪

♪ And take my eyes ♪

♪ To guide you home ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm still here
breathing now ♪

♪ I'm still here
breathing now ♪

♪ I'm still here breathing now ♪

♪ And I'm still here ♪

- Can we go somewhere else?
- Chip.

♪ 'Cause I'm still here
breathing now ♪

♪ I'm still here breathing now ♪

♪ I'm still here
breathing now ♪

♪ And I'm still here now ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm still here
breathing now ♪

♪ I'm still here breathing now ♪

♪ I'm still here
breathing now ♪

♪ And I'm still here ♪

♪ And you're not coming back ♪

♪ 'Cause you're not
coming back ♪

Hi, Camille. Hey!
Is Chipper home?

- Needy, is something wrong?
- Where's Chip?

- He left for the dance at least 20 minutes ago.
- He walked?

It's only five blocks.
My God, your hair is-

- Which way did he go?
- He usually cuts across the park.

Camille, sit like a lady!
No one wants to see your kiki!

Why don't you try-

Anita?

Mmm.

What are you doing?

Swimming.

Ha-ha.

Come on, Chip.

Show me your breast stroke.

I feel so empty.

Yeah, me too.

Why don't you just come here
and kiss me again?

I can't.

I'm sorry.

This just f eels weird.

Help!

Needy.

St. Jude, patron saint
of hopeless causes,

please give me the power
to crush this bitch.

Needy.

She can fly?

She’s just hovering.
It's not that impressive.

God, do you have to undermine
everything that I do?

You are such a player-hater.

You're a jerk.

Wow. Nice insult, Hannah Montana.

You got any more harsh digs?

You know what?
You were never a good friend.

Even when we were little,
you used to steal my toys...

and pour lemonade on my bed.

And now I'm eating
your boyfriend.

See? At least I'm consistent.

Why do you need him? Huh?

You could have anybody
that you want, Jennifer.

So... why Chip?

Is it just to tick me off?

Or is it because
you’re just really insecure?

I'm I am not insecure, Needy.

God, that's a joke.
How could I ever be insecure?

I was the Snowflake Queen.

Yeah. Two years ago,
when you were socially relevant.

I am still socially relevant.

And when you didn't
need laxatives to stay skinny.

I am going...

to eat your soul...

and shit it out, Lesnicki!

- Thought you only murdered boys.
- I go both ways.

Ow.

You got a tampon?

Thought I'd ask.

You seem like
you might be plugging.

Oh, Chip.

Needy.

I should have believed you.

I'm sorry.

No. No, no. Listen to me.
I'm gonna get some help. Okay?

Okay? Yeah. okay.

It's not working.

Fuck!

- Come on!
- Hey, hey.

I'm going somewhere.

No, no, no. You're not
going anywhere. Yes, I am.

I think I already died before you got here,
but I woke up when I heard your voice.

I love you.

I love you too.

And you look totally hot
in that dress.

Oh, you're clearly delirious.

No, I'm not.

Oh, Ch No!

No!

No!

No!

Abduction and adduction, right?

Inner and outer. But you
know what's really important?

"Hurdle" or "Sprint. "
That's huge.

Now, say I wanna do just my hip
flexors or just my buttocks even more.

I do what's called digging. I use
this for a lot of swimwear models.

Very, very, very important.
How about Butt Squeeze?

Yeah, I see you wanted to touch. Not
this show! Not touching this show!

okay. And of course-

Off]

Best friends forever,
huh?

You killed my fucking boyfriend,
you goddamn monster!

You dumb bitch!

Mmm!

You know what this is for? Huh?

It's for cutting boxes.

Do you buy all your murder
weapons at Home Depot?

God, you're butch.

Cross out Jennifer.

My tit.

No. Your heart.

Jennifer, what is it, baby?

Needy?

oh, my God.

oh, my God!

Oh, God!

I don't know
who Needy Lesnicki is anymore.

I'm a different person now.

A person who uses curse words
and kicks orderlies...

and sees things that aren't there.

A very bad, very damaged person.

But sometimes change can be good.

For instance,
most occult scholars don't know this,

but if you're bitten by a demon
and you live,

you just might absorb
some of the demon's abilities.

You just might get lucky
for once in your miserable life.

Where are you looking to go,
young lady?

East, towards Madison.

Hop in my chariot.

So, why are you headed east?

I'm following this rock band.

Must be one hell of a group.

Tonight's gonna be their last show.

♪

♪ And the sky was made of amethyst ♪

♪ And all the stars
are just like little fish ♪

♪ You should learn when to go ♪

♪ You should learn how to say no ♪

♪ Might last a day, yeah ♪

♪ Mine is forever♪

♪ When they get what they want ♪

♪ They never want it again ♪

♪ When they get what they want ♪

♪ Well, they never want it again ♪

♪ Go on, take everything ♪
And he's fucking out!

♪ Take everything I want
you to ♪ Candy chest.

♪ Go on, take everything ♪

♪ Take everything
I want you to ♪

Look at this motherfucker!
Don't be filmin' this.

Listen, go get the door.
That's a sharp table knife you got.

Get the fuck out of here.
♪ Go on, take everything ♪

♪ Take everything
Take everything ♪

♪ Take everything ♪

♪

♪ Darling
Darling, darling ♪

♪ I can't wait to see you ♪

♪ A picture ain't enough ♪

♪ I can't wait to touch you ♪

♪ In the flesh ♪

♪ Darling
Darling, darling ♪

♪ I can't wait to hear you ♪

♪ Remembering your love ♪

♪ Is nothing without you ♪

♪ In the flesh ♪

♪ In the flesh
In the flesh ♪

♪ Ohh-oh, ohh-oh ♪

♪ In the flesh
In the flesh ♪

♪ Ohh-ohh-oh ♪

Oh, my God! I can't wait!

They're here!

♪ Do it, do it, do it, do it
Do it, do it, do it now ♪

♪ Say it, say it, say it, say it
Say it, say it, say it now ♪

♪ Do it, do it, do it, do it
Do it, do it, do it now ♪

♪ Say it, say it, say it, say it
Say it, say it, say it now ♪

♪ Do it, do it, do it, do it
Do it, do it, do it now ♪

♪ Say it, say it, say it, say it
Say it, say it, say it now ♪

♪ Instead of carving up the walls ♪

♪ Why don't you open up
We'll talk ♪

♪ I am ready
I am ready f or a fall ♪

♪ Instead of carving up the walls ♪

♪ Why don't you open up
We'll talk ♪

♪ We are ready
We are ready f or the floor ♪

♪ I can't hear your voice
Do I have a choice ♪

♪ You're sinking below
I'm using my force ♪

♪ Instead of carving up the walls ♪

♪ Why don't you open up
We'll talk ♪

♪ We are ready
We are ready f or the floor ♪

♪ Do it, do it, do it, do it
Do it, do it, do it now ♪

♪ Say it, say it, say it, say it
Say it, say it, say it ♪

♪

♪ okay, now, one, two, three ♪

♪ You've got me on my knees ♪

♪ And there's blood on the ground ♪

♪ You keep me hanging around
the crime scene ♪

♪ He is not hard to name ♪

♪ Go on and take a bite ♪

♪ And chew me up
I just want a taste ♪

♪ When you spit me out
Put me in my place ♪

♪ So chew me up
It's written on your face tonight ♪

♪ I give myself for you ♪

♪ Nothing left to lose ♪

♪ Well, you chew me up ♪

♪ 'Cause, baby
all I want is you ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪

♪ She's got a target painted on her back ♪

♪ And keeps a list of the qualities
a good girl lacks ♪

♪ She bites her lip ♪

♪ And sips her bottle ♪

♪ I take a drink
'cause the truth is hard to swallow ♪

♪ ohh-ohh ♪

♪ Sex and white lies
Handcuffs and alibis ♪

♪ She lays her halo on the pillow
where she sleeps ♪

♪ Her heart beats red wine ♪

♪ My toxic valentine ♪

♪ Lays her halo on the pillow
that used to be ♪

♪ Sex and white lies
Handcuffs and alibis ♪

♪ She lays her halo on the pillow
where she sleeps ♪

♪ Her heart beats red wine ♪

♪ My toxic valentine ♪

♪ Lays her halo on the pillow
that used to be ♪

♪ She lays her halo on the pillow ♪

♪ That used to be mine ♪