Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language

Tickets, please.

Oh!

Yeah.

This isn't my fault.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Argh!

Bloody hell!

Mum?

Ah!

I say!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome to a brand-new series of Taskmaster.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

it's the goon gulag, the performance penitentiary,

a penal facility for the makers of hilarity.

Lock up your laughter. We've got two BAFTAs.

If you want comedians doing tasks, we're what you're after.

Wik-ah, wik-ah, wik-ah! STARTS BEATBOXING

With five silly comics,

a big man in a throne,

and sitting right next to him,

the man that makes him moan.

Not moan in a sexy way -

moan because he is a wonky-toothed fool.

Plastic shoes, like a kid, you know it will be chaos,

you know there will be pain.

And when someone wins,

they'll take a rubbish trophy home - we start again!

WHOOPING

Please welcome...

..Chloe Petts...

..Isy Suttie...

..Matt Lucas...

..Nina Conti...

..and Richard Ayoade!

And sitting next to me - a man who is like an egg,

because he's so fragile -

a mouse, because he's frightened -

and like a village fete marquee,

because he's always erect around senior citizens.

Please welcome little Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Not always!

Not always. Often.

Well, what a big day this is. Ah-ha.

New series. Yep. I'm so excited.

I wanted to get you a present, Greg, to mark the occasion. Mm-hm.

I've got you this.

Have a look at this, Greg.

Genuine.

I sponsored a dog waste bin

in your name.

It's in Witham.

Have you really done that? Mm-hm.

Good. I like it. It'll be there forever.

If forever is one year.

It's time for the first prize task category.

Yes, Greg. And to give this series

the lift-off it deserves,

the category is the droopiest object.

Oooh! I know, it's a tough opener,

because if there's one thing Greg knows about,

it's drooping.

Five points for the droopiest object -

five droopy things for the episode winner.

And now it's time for this soppy git to judge their floppy bits.

I've been Alex Horne.

And off the back of that, welcome, Chloe.

Thank you so much for having me.

What's your droopy thing?

Well, unfortunately, I'm worried that I've sort of failed at

the first hurdle here

because I haven't brought you a droopy thing.

I've actually bought you an extremely erect thing...

Ah. ..that I would like to share with you.

Oh-oh-oh-oh!

Oh! Do you like this? Yeah, I like it already.

Please touch it.

You have my consent.

Droopy! That's a laugh.

It drooped! It drooped.

Thank you.

It's a hell of an opener. Yeah!

Hello, Isy. Hello. What have you brought?

I've brought oaty soup in a pair of tights.

Yes, she has.

Oh!

Just a normal pair of tights.

It's pretty droopy!

And someone can win that.

I get eczema, and my mum told us to put

one leg of a pair of tights over the bath tap with some oats in.

Yeah. And you run the water through the tights.

Oh, yeah. Your mum's an 18th century witch, isn't she?

So the kind of oaty soup soothes the eczema.

But the tights stretch and stretch and stretch.

And then afterwards you can't resist just swinging

them around your head like a mediaeval weapon.

Oh, right. And you can make porridge if you use the hot tap.

OK.

Who wouldn't want

to eat porridge out of the gusset of some tights?

Who doesn't? Who doesn't?

Matt. Hello.

Hello. So I acquired a plush toy of

the whimsical cartoon character, Droopy, and I took the stuffing out.

So now it's even more droopy. It's a droopy Droopy.

Aw!

He always reminds me of you, Droopy,

because he seems unhappy on the outside,

but actually, he's quite chirpy on the inside.

And also, he was born in 1943.

And have you seen videos of yourself lately?

No. Honestly.

Flick through earlier episodes of this

and you see someone age before your eyes.

It's like the end of Indiana Jones

when that when that Nazi's face melts off.

I love your droopy Droopy. Thank you.

Hi, Nina. Hello. Welcome.

What have you brought?

I've brought a specific part of a thing because it's very droopy.

It is a monster from a famous film.

It's a bit of fan art, I think.

it's the guy who has hands for eyes and droop for arse.

Have a look. Oh!

LAUGHTER

That looks like my eczema.

Hooray!

We don't have the film rights,

but we are allowed to show just the arse of the creature.

LAUGHTER

It's coming to us all, isn't it?

As you saw in the dressing room, mine's like a peach.

Yeah, nothing like that.

It isn't! No!

Richard, what droopy object have you bought for us?

I was asked to look after a plant once.

And this is it

in the early stages of my looking after it.

Greg, he's brought in a droopy plant.

I know!

It's not even that droopy! It's not.

It's actually a pretty decent plant. Pretty decent plant!

I say, water that once,

you've got yourself a lovely bit of houseware, there.

I'm actually sad to see that go. Yeah.

Right. Have you got scores for me, Greg? I have.

I'm going to give Richard one point. Mm-hm.

Two points for Chloe's one.

Droopy I'm going to give three points to.

I'm only giving it three points because it made me feel so sad.

And I don't want to feel sad at the beginning of a series.

OK, Matt Lucas three points.

Four is Nina.

And just because they shocked me

and because they have positive medicinal benefits,

I'm going to give Isy Suttie

five points for her porridge tights.

Well done. Isy Suttie gets five points.

OK, on we go. What's task number one,

please, Alex? Well, for once,

task number one is genuinely the first task they all filmed.

So let's have a look at their very first day at school.

Ooh!

Oh, hello, Richard.

Hi.

Hi, Isy. Hi.

Hello, Alex. Hello, Chloe.

It's a toilet!

That's a cupboard.

Hello!

I probably should have

watched this show before coming on it. Ah!

Yeah. Anyway, do you want me to sit down?

Yes. Normally, people sit down and they open the envelope.

All right. You see, I told you I should have watched this show.

This is nice, isn't it? Yes. The seal.

22 series. Yeah.

No, I'll take your word for it.

All right, here we go.

OK. Your first task is to put

the golden apple on the golden plate.

If the golden apple touches the ground, you are disqualified.

Also, you must be handcuffed to Alex throughout.

Fastest wins. Your time starts when your hands are cuffed.

Taskmaster. Mm-hm.

Yeah, that's the name of the show. Right. And I'm Alex.

So here we go. Alex, you say?

Happy with this one? This wrist? Yeah.

Don't cuff me yet.

I want to see if I can find the golden apple first.

I knew you were going to go that way.

OK, you can cuff me now.

Much kinkier than I expected this to be.

Is it?

Which hand would you like? It doesn't have to be hand.

Probably it should be. It doesn't have to be hand?

Well...

Foot, please. You're going to go foot?

I think this is going to make things easier.

Yeah. Through the lace.

OK.

There we go.

Shall we go to the kitchen?

APPLAUSE

Very good. Thank you. The foot thing.

It was offered. It wasn't offered!

You'll go far in this show, young man.

Thank you very much. Let's have a look.

OK. Well, first, to follow in the ancient footsteps of Hercules

and find the golden apples of Hesperides

while handcuffed to Horne is Nina and Chloe.

Oh!

Fuck's sake.

Golden apple and the golden plate.

OK, so we have to locate where the golden apple is.

We're off, are we? We're off.

I can see the plate.

Now this apple.

Do you know where it is? No.

But do you actually? Yeah.

PHONE RINGS Stop it!

Why is that ringing? Is it over?

Hello? NEW ZEALAND ACCENT: Shed.

What do you say?

Shed. A shade?

Shade? A lampshade.

Turn around. Turn around now!

This way. Stay!

To find the golden apple, you must go to the shed.

This way.

Shade...

PHONE RINGS Did you say shade?

Shed. She said shade again.

Shed! She's Scottish.

Let's go. Shed.

Shed, is it. So I'm in the shed.

I'm in the shed as well. Thank you.

What's in this thing?

Oh, God. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Come on. Is it?

We have to go up here. OK. Because it's gold.

Right.

We're going up here. Are we? Yeah. Follow me.

It's lovely to meet you.

Sorry about where my head just went. That's all right.

The first time a man's been there. Mm.

LAUGHTER

Oh, yes. Oh, yes! Look at this. Wow.

Oh, it's very Greek.

Right, Alex, we're through.

Well, you're through. Ow! Come on!

Good boy.

Right, so there's the golden apple.

There she is.

Where does the golden apple have to go now, Alex?

Not on the floor.

Oh, shit.

OK, not on the floor.

We need to stand on these.

Ah, clever. To get them a little bit... That's a good idea.

Oh, OK.

Right, we're going back to the first room. Yeah.

Clock's stopped. Well done.

Golden plate.

Golden fucking plate.

That's pissed me off, that has.

Mm. Me, too.

Stop the clock.

Have you got the key for that?

I've got the key for my side.

See you later. Thanks, Chloe.

This is quite fashionable in the queer community.

Straight off the bat - lovely competitive energy from you.

Yeah, he's quite frustrating as a presence.

Oh, I despise the man. Yeah.

And you'll be pleased to hear I've watched all 22 series,

so I knew that very well.

Yeah. I'm sorry to say, Alex - you have aged.

I don't want to say badly.

It's just the passage of time has happened to happened to you.

And that's all right. It's like a filmed candle.

You still congratulated

him on slamming his face into your special area.

It's not that special, Greg.

Don't talk it down.

I thought yours was a very good audition

to be a daytime detective,

just because of, "Shed? Shed? Shed?

"She's Scottish!"

Point of fact - she was Rose Matafeo, and she's a New Zealander.

Oh, really?

They were both quick.

Chloe - ten minutes 20 seconds, Nina - six minutes 40.

Whoa! Oof!

It's a good start. Hercules - several months

to find the golden apple.

Right, stop! Adverts.

Back soon. Bye.

Hello!

Welcome back to episode one, where the new rivals are trying

to find a golden apple and place it in a golden plate,

but in some grotesque affront to humanity,

they had to be chained to a

yet-to-be-exposed pervert.

LAUGHTER

Thank you Greg, and happy anniversary to my parents.

Yes. So here's Isy and Richard.

Um, and then, uh, yellow paint.

Is that in the craft drawer?

Fastest wins. When your time starts when your hands are...

Head to the shed!

Where are we going? Uh, shed. Uh, shed.

Where are we going? Shed!

Do we call that golden?

You can if you want. OK.

If your right foot goes first I'll have warning.

Yep. Now.

Oh, my God.

Are we in Narnia?

I think we're close to the golden apple now.

How are your eyes?

OK.

Um... Is it... Are they in here?

What? What is they?

The crafts. Sure. Yeah.

One, two, three...

Oh!

One, two, three...

Thank you.

I've forgotten the task.

Put the golden apple on the golden plate.

Let's call this golden.

You want me to stop the clock?

Yep.

OK.

Lay them on their side. That is a golden plate.

This is a golden apple.

And that is good as gold.

Good. Well, I was thrilled

that you bothered to look at the back of the task.

And therefore, you straight away saw

you should go to the shed. Yeah.

And you found a grabber,

but you decided not to use the grabbing facility -

just to use it as a giant snooker cue, really.

When I was just saying, "One, two, three," it was like,

I couldn't believe I was going to do it.

And then I didn't do it.

Surely she was fast?

It was quick. Well, no, it wasn't quick.

It was 14 minutes 42.

It was slow. But was it acceptable?

Was it acceptable for her to put a golden apple into

a silver bowl with some coffee pods in it?

Do you think you succeeded?

Ye-e-e-s...

Richard, in terms of your approach to the task,

is this how it's going to be for the whole series?

I presume you're going

to show absolute contempt for the tasks.

I have trauma-wiped all of this. Trauma-wiped?

Trauma-wiped it. Trauma-wiped?

Try and dig into your trauma because it was you,

and answer the question,

was that a golden apple and was that a golden plate?

Final answer yes.

I put it to you that that that was a yellow bowl.

That's a golden bowl.

Golden plate?

Or plate.

I mean, weirdly, gold is yellow. I've done some research.

It is. Yeah, I love that Spandau Ballet song Yellow.

Yes.

Yes, and the Coldplay song Gold. Yes.

I mean, also people have argued that a bowl can be a plate.

They're both tableware. I've been at those arguments.

If I go to a shop and I get a plate of soup, will that be fine?

I think some restaurants, they serve it on plates.

They don't serve soup on plates!

Look, you fuck knuckle...

You can't dictate the exact size of a plate.

It's cultural. And are you actually in some kind of act of imperialism?

Which is what this has become?

He's going to do this quite a lot.

Dictating heights of plates?

You're on very thin ice, Greg.

I can tell you he was quick.

Two minutes 22.

Of course he was quick!

Anyone can be quick if they just get an apple and toss it in a bowl.

There is one more person still to see.

I think I've already made my judgement,

but let's have a look at Matt's attempt.

Here we go.

Uh... It's a golden plate and a golden apple.

Well, I can't... Uh...

Oh, there's a golden plate. Oh, that's something.

OK. Golden apple, golden apple.

Golden apple.

Oh!

And what's it got to do? Oh.

How is it..? How did that happen?

Lucas has smashed it out of the park.

How are you feeling?

I'm thinking that's probably the best I did in the whole series.

Matt found the apple in one minute 37- sub 100 seconds.

Yeah. It's quick.

Slowest was Isy, then Chloe, then Nina,

then Richard, then Matt.

Yes. But is that how the points fall?

Of course not. Is a golden

plate a silver bowl with coffee pods?

No. Is a golden plate, a yellow bowl?

Yes. No.

So no points to Isy or Richard?

Correct. It's time I got tougher.

People have been saying on the internet

that I'm getting softer and I'm going to toughen up.

Daddy...daddy... Daddy's back! Daddy's back!

Finally Daddy's back! Daddy's back!

Which means three to Chloe, four to Nina,

but five to Matt Lucas! Hey!

Shall we have a scoreboard now? We should.

At the top, we have Matt and Nina with eight points.

There we go.

More tasking, please. Yes.

And I think it's bed-time to meet the teams.

KNOCKING

Who is it? It's TV's Matt Lucas.

You best come in.

Hi. It really is TV's Matt Lucas. Yeah.

Do you want to touch me?

Look at this. Well, you're welcome to get in.

Should I?

Hey! How are you? I'm so good! How are you?

Very well, thank you. Nice to see you.

Not thrilled with the mattress,

but I don't think I'm spending the night here.

Hey, hello! Hello! Nice to see you. You, too.

MATT: Did you know I was coming? I had no idea.

Oh. Hi. Hello.

Hey!

What happened to you

that you've been so brutalised that you'd just get into a bed?

Well... Have you been asked to get into it?

Yeah, well, it was suggested.

Were you given the option? Oh, suggested, isn't it? Yes.

Move this bed into the living room.

You may not look at each other.

Well, fine. I mean, that...

Richard hasn't done that already.

And you may only say words with one syllable.

For every stray glance, scuff mark or extra syllable,

a minute will be added to your time. Oh.

Stray glance is wonderful writing. Thank you.

Fastest fully made bed in the living room wins.

Your time starts on the whistle.

Shall we discuss this before the task starts?

No. No. No, please. All right. OK.

Absolute fascist regime.

Well, it looked like two relatively fun sleepovers -

one of them being ruined by the weird kid from school.

OK, we're going to begin with the team of two.

Remember, no eye contact, no scuffs, one-syllable words.

It is Isy and Nina. Here we go.

Speed. Ted.

Stack. Stay.

Win. Win!

So...

Oh.

OK.

Try?

Tool? Tool.

Box there.

Tool.

There.

Mm.

Leg off.

Good. Good. No good. Argh!

Piss one, this one.

At start me think we win.

Me, too.

Long time past.

New low.

It's off, it's off, it's off!

Headboard off.

This off all OK.

OK, OK.

A minute for any scuff marks, remember?

Good, good.

Oh...

Scuff not, scuff not we.

Now OK.

Tis good.

Tiny scuff.

Oh, flip. Watch out, cam guy.

This go in hole.

Is eyes closed? Yes.

Why so?

I no want look you. I see.

Your eyes o...

Pen.

Yes. It helps.

She no like tool, this small hole. She tight one.

She virgin, this one.

Oh, no, I make joke.

I blow word. Too long word.

It is good. Tis good, this bed.

We win!

Stop the clock. Stopped the clock.

OK, there we go.

Ooh.

Bring these cameras up

for nice shot on top,

not under chin and up nose. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Well done. I'm beginning to feel that you've never spoken

in more than one syllable in your life,

after a while.

It was Shakespearean.

Yeah, they said at one point,

"If we live this for long time, it makes nice life."

I could... I could happily live with you

and talk like that for the rest of my life.

Yes. Aw!

One of you said, "At start, I think we win."

And then Nina said, "Me too. New low."

Part two is complete.

Get out of here!

Welcome back. It's part three

and the teams are busy moving furniture.

Yes. Greg wanted his bed moved into the living room.

I guess it's probably an age thing.

One team to go.

It is Richard with Matt and Chloe.

Shall we tip the bed up on its side? Yes.

Shame. That's a shame.

Tool box.

Two words.

Ah-ha.

Al.

An.

Key.

Two Al key. Cheers.

OK.

Run, Matt. I will.

Which room? Liv.

How do we do this?

To me.

Put to you. Good.

Comme ca.

Oh. Comme ca.

Can I help?

Yes. How?

BLOWS RASPBERRY

Uh, I don't know.

I think Chloe is making more of

an effort than you not to look at each other, Richard.

I think look means eyes.

If I look at leg - not look.

Really? Yes.

Eyes mean look,

not body part.

Matt?

Yes? Ress.

Ah, I see. I see.

Argh!

Good work.

Can I say, I like to not look at you?

Me, too.

Cute.

Stop the clock.

Stop the clock.

Bloody ruined it!

Well done. Well done.

Richard, you really carried the team there,

as expected. Thank you. Where do we go to?

Who would have thought you had

that sort of action hero skill within you?

But... I'm a physical guy.

I know they're not my team,

but Matt Ress was amazing and shouldn't be penalised.

Thank you. I have penalised them for that

because you just put a big pause in the word mattress.

No, no, no, you're wrong, OK?

This is what we want. Go on, Matt!

This is what we want. YOU'RE wrong, OK?

Chloe was saying, "Matt," to mean me,

and then using only the second

syllable of the word mattress to denote a mattress.

One was a proper noun, one was a contraction.

And you know that, Alex.

I'm happy to

strike one extra syllable from the list.

They took 12 minutes. They made nine mistakes.

So that's a total of 21 minutes. I'm happy with that.

Whereas the team of two - and it's close -

they took 33 minutes and 29 seconds and made 33 mistakes.

So they took one hour, six minutes and 29 seconds.

Wow!

The team of three obviously get five points,

but how many do Isy and Nina get?

The gap's so big I'm inclined towards one point,

but do you want to talk me up to two somehow?

Yeah. Go on, then.

We were very friendly.

Go on.

She nearly injured a member of the production team.

And she said, "Cam man soz."

Cam man soz alone gets them two points, doesn't it?

OK, so it's five points for team of three,

two points for the team of two.

Next task, please.

And do you know what? It's another, sort of, team task.

What? I know.

This show's like Tilda Swinton.

It's really intriguing and interesting.

Hi, Isy. Oh, hi.

Just to warn you, for this one, you're very much under pressure.

OK.

I don't know why I said that really sarcastically.

Chloe. Hi, Alex. You are the one I want.

Oh!

Richard!

Nothing's gonna stop us now.

Nothing? Nothing.

Will we build the bridge together?

This is snazzy indeed.

Richard.

And Richard. The last time something on this scale

was attempted was probably The Lady From Shanghai.

Orson Welles.

Perform a passionate duet with yourself.

About yourselves. You must sing both parts.

Best duet wins.

Passionate? Yeah. OK.

You have 20 minutes?

I've got to sing for 20 minutes?

No, you've got to write the song.

And then perform... And perform it within 20 minutes.

Your time starts now. OK.

There's no writing.

There's no writing? There will be no writing.

I don't like overthinking things. Are you musical?

I was in a Christian rock band in my youth,

but that was because I wasn't musically talented enough

to be in a mainstream band.

So I had to go and beg the Christians to let me be in theirs.

Can I use instruments? Yeah! OMG!

PLAYS DEMO Stop it!

DING! Oh!

PLAYS GUITAR

Shall I leave you to it? No.

OK. Just stay.

PLAYS TWO-NOTE CHORDS

I got the impression that faith isn't

at the heart of your songwriting.

You just joined the Christian band because they're worse musicians?

Yeah, they were so shit, Greg.

They were so bad. We played

a version of music which was called Christian Rock.

I came up with a hand gesture that our fans could do at our gigs.

You just do the rock sign like that - very simple rock sign.

And then you just pop Jesus on the cross there.

Lovely.

Lovely. His suffering was not in vain.

I'm sorry, Christians.

LAUGHTER

Let's go. Right, we're going

to start with a classic rock profile.

It is Matt and Matt.

# Me and me

# Everyone can see that Me and me

# I was made to be together on the day that I was born

# Cos I'm so gorgeous

# I give me the horn

HORN PARPS

# Oh, cos I kiss myself, I kiss myself

# Mwah, mwah-mwah, mwah-mwah

# I kiss myself, I kiss myself

# Mwah, mwah-mwah, mwah-mwah

# I kiss myself, I kiss myself

# Mwah, mwah-mwah, mwah-mwah

# I kiss myself, I kiss myself

# Mwah, mwah

# Oh, me and me

# Me and me

# Everyone can see that

# Me and me

# Me and me

# Must have found a lucky heather

# On a wintry morn

It's true.

# For when we film ourselves doing it

# It makes for interesting porn. #

Sorry, Mum.

Very good. Fairly life-affirming song initially.

Lovely harmonies, made me feel good.

It was a man talking himself up.

And then suddenly you're bagging yourself.

Yeah. Yeah. It's a song about self-love.

Yeah. Yeah. It's the power of words, isn't it?

I certainly can't shift the image of Matt having sex with himself.

Can you? No. What are you imagining?

Well, I like the... Oh, is he on top?

He's everywhere.

He's all over the place, isn't he?

Now for another duo.

Move over, Sooty and Sweep. It is Suttie and Suttie.

Who is Isy?

Who is Isy?

Let's see.

Hot.

Cold.

Shy.

Bold.

# We're both different, but we're both the same. #

Fast.

Slow.

Suck.

Blow.

# We both feel love and we both feel pain

# Would you like to join me in the maze of life?

# You have to have the joy And also have the strife. #

Stiletto.

Welly.

Reading.

Telly.

# So many qualities in the same human. #

Noodles.

Rice.

Bland.

Spice.

# Even the ones no-one uses Like cumin

# Would you like to join me in the maze of life?

# You have to have the joy and also have the strife

# Would you like to join me in the maze of life? #

Say yes.

Say yes.

Say yes!

Lovely. You seemed quite angry

about people joining you in the maze of life.

It was more satisfying to go,

"Would you like to join me in the maze of life?"

There's only one character I didn't like

of the various aspects of Isy.

And it was this one -

"Telly." I didn't like her.

I didn't like her.

Telly!

"I'm just so down to earth."

Oh, no, it's meant to be kind of disparaging.

Like, "Telly! I should be reading a book."

Yeah. Oh, I thought you were saying,

"I'm just so casual, I'll just watch telly."

OK, it's now time for Ayoade on Ayoade.

Can he sing? Well, let's listen and judge Richard.

# When I look into your magical face

# I feel that I'm ready to fly

# But I know that I mustn't fly

# Because I'm putting other passengers at risk

# When I skate across your furious thighs

# I feel like I'm ready to die

# Because the smell of your thighs

# Is unacceptable

# I'm all unacceptable

# I got no business flying the plane It's unacceptable

# It's unacceptable Cos I refused to train

# I gotta wipe the grease from my thighs

# It's unacceptable It's unacceptable

# It's stinging my eyes

# It's unacceptable

# Unacceptable. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I guess what I want to know is,

who is the smelly-thighed man, and why are his thighs smelly?

I don't patronise the listener...

LAUGHTER

..by telling them what the song is about.

They go on their own journey.

Well, at one point one of them said

they've got to wipe the grease from their thighs.

Yeah. They've been frying bacon on their thighs.

Ah, well that helps. And the songwriter reveals the magic.

It's one of the possible interpretations.

That's the end of part three.

Who will kick off their series

by winning the first episode and taking home a droopy arse,

a dead plant, a flaccid dog

and realise that their agents were wrong -

this might harm their careers?

Here we are again, and we're in the midst

of a sort of festival of identical twins.

That's right, featuring Bros,

The Proclaimers, Jedward, and now it's Petts at Home.

This is, I'm Gonna Be Beautiful (To Myself)

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Genuinely rather lovely, Chloe.

I'm trying to kind of look at myself and go like,

"What a lovely, beautiful song."

But then there's another part of me which is like,

"Why didn't you make it funny and fuck yourself at the end?"

LAUGHTER Yeah, yeah.

Just to let you know - left, top, right, bottom.

LAUGHTER

Oh. Suddenly it's slightly less beautiful somehow.

Finally, then, will she sound like an ambulance?

Let's find out. It's Nina-Nina. Oh...

I like that. Here we go.

PLAYS CHORD

# This is song for you Cos you're my best friend

# And you're my lover Love you

# We've been going steady for a long time now

# Yeah, yeah

# Take it to the next level

# Cos you're a hottie

# You're a hot bitch

# It's just me and you

# With your boots off

# Get your boots off, baby, yeah

# Do you want to take my boots off?

# Freaking hot bitch

# Take your boots off

# I will take them off for you

# Take your boots off

# It's a beautiful night

# It's a night for love

# With me and you

# And I really love you

# And I think it's the end of the song of the Taskmaster song

# The song, song

# Is gonna end right now. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Do you know that feeling,

when you've had a bad tummy for a while

and you think you're better,

but you're not 100% sure?

That's the style. I think Nina sang this whole song in.

That's the genre. That's the genre of music.

I just felt all the way through,

she was like, "Take your boots off."

What was going on there, do you think, Nina?

Well, in my mind, there's a river.

Is...is there a river in the song?

There doesn't need to be. There doesn't need to be a river.

It happened by the river in my mind. Ah!

I enjoyed all of the songs. I'm not giving anyone one point.

Right. I'm going to give Richard two points.

OK. I very much enjoyed it, but I felt there was a lack of passion.

Shows like this

are why I hide my feelings in the first place.

Matt three, because I felt that there

was a fairly passionless sex going on between...

How dare you?! I did a proper

thrusting at the end of that.

I mean, we should go and have sex now...

..and then you'll see how passionate I am,

and then you'll give me more points.

All right, well, I'm going to give you three points for now,

and then... And then after we make love...

And then after we've had sex backstage

maybe I'll change the points. Yes.

Thank you. And that's a promise.

Thank you. Top - bottom.

Yeah. I've got very bad knees. I'll take whatever I'm given.

And I'm going to give four to Isy. Not bad.

Now, here's the weird thing. Mm.

Nina's still in the mix. I think...

I think Chloe's was by far the most pure,

so I'm going to give it five points.

But I'm also, for reasons I can't explain,

I'm also giving Nina five points.

There we go. I don't know why.

I don't know why.

OK, everyone, please, for the first time,

make your way to the stage for the final task of the show.

I'm already intrigued. Mm! Who will read the task,

young fella-me-lad? OK.

I think Matt Lucas will read the task.

Hold up the item or items that the taskmaster shouts.

You may only look in your belts after the taskmaster has shouted.

You must not remove your belts at any point.

Also, you must beep while searching.

Slowest player each round is eliminated.

Last player standing wins.

Yes, I think that's it, really.

Any questions? Hello, Richard Ayoade.

Can we keep the belts?

I think yes. Yes, yes, you can keep the belts.

Round one.

Sausage.

ALL: Beep, beep, beep...

No sign of a sausage yet.

No sign of a sausage.

We have a sausage!

Nina's safe. Who else is safe?

When you've found it, you can stop beeping.

Oh, we have another sausage.

Just three people beeping. Keep beeping.

Isy. Beep, beep, beep!

OK, OK!

Where's your sausage urgency?

ALL: Beep, beep, beep, beep...

Oh, bugger.

We have a sausage!

It's just Richard and Matt beeping now.

I'm very close to stopping beeping.

Beep the beep.

We have a winner!

We have lost Mr Matt Lucas, everyone.

There he goes

It's hard to think that this will sustain four rounds, isn't it?

Round two. Ready? Yes. Yes.

Apple and duck!

Apple and duck.

Have they remembered where the things are?

That's a pear. This is great stuff.

Chloe is through!

Makes it so much more exciting when they beep! Yes!

Well done, Nina.

Oh, beep. Richard, have you found anything yet this round?

Beep, beep, yeah, beep.

I bloody have. Beep. Beep-beep-beep.

Why are they all helping?

I don't think it's in the rules.

Beep in your face.

Yeah!

We've lost Isy Suttie.

Round three. Let's go. Paintbrush. Feather. Duck.

Beep. Beep. Beep-beep-beep.

Paintbrush, feather, duck.

Couple of feathers there.

What were the other things?

Paintbrush. Feather. Duck.

The paintbrush is enormous, by the way.

ALL STILL BEEPING

You do have to hold it up when you've got them all.

Can't get it out. Beep. Beep.

Oh, we have Chloe through.

Richard, are you through?

We have lost Nina Conti. Oh!

It's the final.

Good luck.

Egg. Lemon.

Fish. Paintbrush.

Beep-beep-beep...

Beep, beep, beep...

Oh, my God, he's so...

He's got two.

Yeah. Beep. Fish has broken beep.

Broken fish is fine.

Richard, have you won?

Of course not. OK.

How many do you need, Chloe? Beep-beep-beep-beep. One.

Which one?

Fish.

Beep-beep-beep. Oh. Maybe... Beep, beep.

We have a winner!

I will add that to the final scores.

Come down and join me.

Wow. Wow. Well, as we saw, Richard won the five points.

And that means that Richard is now not in last place.

He's in joint last place

with Isy on 13 points.

At the other end of the table - Matt 17, Nina, 18.

But the winner of the first episode is Chloe Petts with 19!

Chloe Petts wins!

Please head up to the stage

to stand firm with your droopy delights!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media