Original subtitles

Billy, how's it going? Pretty good. Good.

Archie Harry, my main man.

He wants money.

Boy, are you guys callous. I come in here with a kind word and a smile.

Right away, you accuse me of wanting money. Because the last time you come in

this way, it cost me 40 bucks.

He's right.

To know you is to loan you.

Well, today...

You're both wrong. I am happy because this is a very special day. You got a

job. No, but I have an interview tomorrow.

Janitor at a toxic waste plant.

Toxic waste? Well, that's very patriotic.

What's so special about today?

Hodge, it was 20 years ago this very day that you and me met Harry in the lodge.

Whoop-de-doo.

Well, what do you want me to do?

Wet my pants overnight?

It's only Harry.

It ain't as though we met Ella Fitzgerald.

Excuse me.

Come on, Arch.

We've been inseparable pals now for 20 years. Who cares?

Hey, hey, listen.

Why don't the three of us go out tonight and celebrate?

That's exactly what I came in here to suggest. Hey, we'll go out on a town.

What do you say?

I don't know about that.

Oh, go ahead, Archie. You'll have a ball. I hate balls.

Come on, Arch. You can say that, but look. It'll be you and Harry and me. The

three musketeers from Queens.

One for all and all for one.

It'll be nice, hey? The three of us ain't gone out together for ages.

That's right.

Well, all right. Geez, what the hell?

That's the old enthusiasm.

All right, all right. My life is an empty bag anyway. Where do you want to

go?

I don't know.

Where do you want to go, Bond?

I don't know.

Where do you want to go, Arch?

I don't know.

You choose, Arch.

You guys want to go out someplace. You choose.

Decide on something. Anything you decide.

That's what with me.

Let's go bowling.

No.

I mean, you can't celebrate 20 years of friendship by going bowling.

You have to think of something meaningful.

Like what?

Like going to a strip show.

You see the mind on this guy here?

That to him is meaningful, you know, going to the strip show. Yeah, yeah.

Some lousy gentleman, a line of girls standing up there, peeling off bit by

bit down to their nudity, you know.

Hey, listen, I got it.

We'll take you to Nick's game and then go out for a couple of drinks, okay?

Fine. Fine, fine. You go pick up the tickets.

Why me?

You're unemployed.

You're the only one that's got the time.

Forget about the tickets. I'll order them by phone. We'll leave here tonight

at 6.30.

No, wait a minute. I'll say when we leave. We leave at 6.15.

All right, 6.15.

6.15.

Boy, is that a magic time.

What a great night this is going to be. The merriment of Manhattan.

And three terrific old friends.

Got the angle of the mug too severe there.

Archie. I'm only trying to help you, that's all.

Now, listen, you're going to be all on your own. Are you okay?

I'll be fine. Just go and enjoy yourself.

Just one or two things. Now, the fresh fruit, the fresh fruit costs money.

Don't be putting too much of it into them sissy drinks.

If somebody wants to eat, you hand them a menu.

I'll slice the fruit real thin.

Come on, Arch. When are you going to be late? Give me a break over here, huh?

What do we say about drunks?

Archie, you've already drilled her twice on this. I want her here, do you mind?

Serve him nothing but black coffee, don't let him associate with other

customers, and under no circumstances let him use the can.

Why?

Because their aim is lousy.

You go already, please. We'll be fine.

I'll be here until ten, and then Jose and Raul will be closing with her. All

right, all right. Now, Jose, Raul, you two guys, keep an eye on Pat.

Si. My pleasure, boss. My pleasure.

Keep an eye on her. Don't be looking at her.

And don't you be looking at her neither.

I'm looking for everybody, boss.

Arch, if we don't leave right now, you're going to miss the national

anthem. All right, I'm coming, I'm coming. Now remember, Pat, please don't

let yourself get confused.

Thanks, Arch. The bar will be here when you come back.

And in case of any emergency, call me up at Madison Square Garden.

You tell a guy to page me there, just ask for Dr.

Morris A. Bunker Emergency Gynecologist.

What a win back. Ain't a win back, I'm a miss.

Hey, and how about it when they threw the coach out of the game? I love to see

guys get thrown out of games. Me too.

Me too. I mean, how come I missed that?

Arch, you spent the entire second half in a phone booth checking up on Pat.

Come on, I only called her once, but she kept me on the phone answering a million

questions. You know, women, she was confused.

Oh, yeah.

Well, here's to us guys.

Three of Pound, the Three Musketeers.

I want you guys to know that I consider it a real honor just being seen with

you. You know that? You know how close I am to you.

Well, as close as I am to you, tonight I think I would like something just a

little closer.

So I'm going to say, see you later, fellas.

Every man on his own.

You like to see guys thrown out of games? Keep your eye on Bronley.

He's right about one thing, Arch. Yeah, what?

There are a lot of nice-looking women here tonight.

All right, hold it, hold it. What are you going to do, get up and leave me

soon? You know what they say, Arch.

When in Rome... What are you talking about Rome?

I'm in Manhattan.

Excuse me, miss, but I have about a half an hour before I have to get back to

surgery.

I would like to spend it in the company of a warm, intelligent woman like

yourself. You're the fourth surgeon that's hit on me tonight.

And I dare say that the first three of them were phonies. Quack, quack, quack.

And you're a real one.

Habit 42.

Okay. Tell me, how many arteries carry blood from the heart?

Three. One to each lung.

Quack, quack. Give me a break, huh?

So I'm not a surgeon. I'm a chiropractor. I don't know anything

about the heart, but I have a heart.

Are you sure you don't have two of them?

Only one.

And it beats for you, sweetheart.

Tell me, isn't there some way that we can possibly get together?

If there were a nuclear war and we were the only two survivors in an elevator

stuck between floors, then I'm all yours.

My nurse.

Hey, bless my soul, I think I see a blemish.

Normally, you get 20 to 30 drinks out of every bottle of liquor. What, two, three

bucks a shot? You can see why the bar business is big business.

Why should I know this?

It's just something about me.

Liquor's my life.

Fascinating.

You know, you got beautiful eyes.

Thank you.

Do you think you might be eating dinner any night this week?

I'd say it's a definite possibility.

Would you like to have one of those dinners with me?

Harry, you're a very sweet man, but in all honesty, when I come to this

particular bar, I'm always looking for someone just a tad younger.

I don't blame you.

I think I'd try it myself.

Excuse me.

Is anyone sitting here?

As far as I'm concerned, that's a vacant chair.

May I?

Yeah, feel free. It's a merry day.

I'm Lisa.

How are you doing? I'm Archie.

I think I'm going to like you.

You from out of town, Archie? No, New York born and bred. You?

I'm from Iowa.

Iowa? Oh, geez, no kidding.

I bet you know your way around the cow.

Learned to milk when I was seven.

Oh, ain't that nice, farm girl. Listen, let me tell you something. New York is a

very dangerous city.

You had an order come walking up to guys in chains and making conversation.

You know, you're very lucky you got me.

don't worry, I can take care of myself.

Oh, well, yeah.

Tell me, Archie, what's an attractive man like you doing here all alone?

Well, I didn't come alone. I come with a couple of buddies, you know. And the

funny thing is, they're up running after girls.

And I sit here, and the prettiest girl I drink is running after me.

Not your style to chase women, is it? Oh, damn right. I should say darn right,

because I know you as Normans out in Iowa, don't swear.

I'll bet you're the kind of man who knows what he wants and doesn't waste

time. Oh, that's right. You know, time.

I always say time is money.

Terrific.

I'm at the Cathcart Hotel, room 412.

Why don't you meet me there in 20 minutes with a smile and $100?

You're a hooker.

How come you were walking for miles?

My cow died.

Wait a minute.

This is terrible.

Didn't anybody ever tell you you shouldn't be walking the streets?

I get that all the time from my podiatrist.

I'm talking about sin.

What the hell's the matter with you, Normans? Don't you read your Bibles no

more?

The Bible? The Bible's full of sex.

No!

No.

Sprinklings of lust, but no sex.

Like Adam and Eve?

Let me tell you something, young lady.

Eve never charged Adam no hundred dollars.

So what do you expect me to do? Work for Apple?

Look at these two dumbbells over here.

Come on, we're getting out of here.

You struck out too, huh? Hey, that ain't the story.

The fact is, this little number over there wanted me to come up to her hotel

room for $100.

I don't believe it, Arch.

Do you mean to tell me that you could have scored and gotten paid for it at

the same time?

You find something heavy and hit it with it.

Thank you, my friend.

Is this a nice, quiet, decent little place, huh?

Yeah. You sit around. You don't have to watch no sexual savagery there.

You can look at the hockey game.

Yeah, well, I'm bored.

I'm going to play the jukebox.

Has anybody got any quarters?

No more money, Barney. We paid your car there, didn't we? We paid for your

tickets.

I know that.

And didn't I turn around and buy everybody a hot dog?

Yeah. with the $10 I lose?

Here you are.

Yeah, have fun. Thanks, Harry.

Excuse me, pal.

But I was just wondering, where are all the girls?

He's with me, buddy.

No, that's not buddy. It's Barney. Well, keep walking, Barney.

Boy, what a cliquish place.

I think I'm going to go shoot a little pool. You want to play? No, no, no. I'm

going to stay and watch the hockey game.

Oh, Harry, Harry, look. Look at the fight that happened up there. They were

all jumping on the goal and punching them. Oh,

my God. Look at this.

You know, the fight game will never be dead so long as we have hockey.

Let's score.

All right. The last time I looked, it was 2-1 Edmonton in the second period.

That Gretzky is really something.

Mind if I join you?

Well, my pal Barney was sitting there. What the hell? You're probably better

company. I'm Robert. Oh, hi there, Robert. Archie Parker's my name.

This Barney fellow, is he a friend of yours?

Oh, hell yes. Very close. We go back years there.

But, you know, he's kind of... He don't play with a full deck.

Unbalanced.

That's the way.

This is the night he insists that we all go out, you know, to celebrate our years

of closeness there.

That's why we're visiting bars like this.

And in the last place where he jumps up, he starts to follow some woman.

Uh, that's happened to me, Archie. I sympathize.

You like hockey?

Ah, love it.

In fact, I used to play a little minor league hockey.

No kidding. It was a throw, huh?

Oh, that's a very rough game. You know what I'm talking about? All that

contact. Yeah, well, it can get pretty rough. Guys hitting you, bumping you,

throwing their bodies at you.

And that's just in the dressing room.

I always have trouble with these shots.

Why don't we give it a try?

The problem is in your bridge.

Try raising your fingers up like that. Ah, there.

Is that more comfortable?

Yeah. Yeah, that feels better.

Yes, it does, doesn't it?

What the hell are you trying to do?

I'm just being friendly, that's all.

Friends like that I don't need.

Well, then why are you in here in the first place?

What are you talking about?

Arch. Let's make it double or nothing. Double or nothing. You got it, Robert.

Arch, I got to talk to you right now. Will you relax and sit down? You look

like you've seen a ghost. That ain't all I've seen.

Will you stop blowing in my ear?

I'm playing the game here.

You ain't listening to me.

I know it's a bad boy.

thing I want. I don't want you to hold nothing.

Why didn't you say something?

I tried.

Robert, you are a disgrace.

And you ain't no hockey player.

Over here, Rog.

Come on, come on. We're getting the hell out of here.

Wait a minute now. This nice fella just invited me up to his place.

Do you know why he's invited you up to his place?

Sadly, he said he wanted to show me his trains.

Come on.

Come on.

Now, you don't understand.

The guy said he was a hockey player.

What's the difference?

Look, what's the worst that could have happened?

Hey, let's face it, fellas.

We're just a little too old for this bar hopping business.

Yeah, Harry, you're damn right we're too old.

You're only as old as you feel, Arch.

Ah, come on, Pat. Don't you give me all that bartender's banana roll.

I'm only 60 years of old this year. That surprises you, huh?

When you want a lie, you don't get one.

How does it feel to be the eldest statesman?

Don't give me that, Milwaukee.

You're as old as me. You're going to be 60 any minute.

Bring the towel.

Hey, boy.

Hey,

you know, you got a nice boy here.

One of those places we've been to tonight.

It's family here.

You know what?

You made a success of it.

There's more than I ever could have done with this.

Well, I tell you, Harvey, what I tell was just use my instincts, you know,

leaving my brains out of it.

But being a saloon keeper, that wasn't what I wanted to be.

Would you like to know what I want to be?

No.

Well, I want to be a major league ball player.

Well,

I didn't start out wanting to be a bartender.

I wanted to be a doctor.

Why didn't you meet?

My old man died.

You weren't practicing on him, were you?

I had to go to high school and get a job.

Why do you care? You would have been a good doctor by now.

Yeah, he would.

Harry's always helping people with their problems.

What about you, Barn? Do you ever want to be anything?

Oh, sure. I always wanted to be a saxophone player.

Well, my teacher told me I didn't have the lip for it.

So I became a bridge inspector.

Because they don't care what kind of a lip you have up there among the cables.

They just lay you on.

Do you know what unemployment is, Judy?

Yeah, it can put you out of work.

Don't worry, Vaughn.

I'll keep scanning the classifieds. Yeah, I'll keep your tab open for you.

Oh, boy, you guys are terrific.

You know that? You always were. You were there when Blanche left me.

All five times.

All right, stop.

That's what friends are for, Bart.

I mean, who took me in when Alice kicked me out?

Who?

You did.

You're living with him, you dummy.

Now, with all of this, they should prove one thing to us tonight, you know,

cruising around in them saloons.

There ain't no happiness there.

Where is the happiness?

Well, all I know is, is that... This is the happiest evening that I've spent in

years. Sure it is, you know, not the paper in the empty.

Hey, guys.

Here's to us.

Look,

I may be a dope, but I know good friends when I see them.

I'll drink it up. Good old sweet friends.

This damn place is turning into another fag bar.