Original subtitles

Well, it seems some people are fortunate enough to have two fathers.

Mr. Bunker.

Thank you very much, Rabbi.

How are you doing, sis?

When I joined the temple here, I chose that I could get the

kid in the school to learn all of this she's done today. I never thought I was

going to have to spend so much time here.

I mean, you know, it ain't been as bad as I thought it was going to be.

Which is to say, it's all been swell.

And particularly today, a beautiful ceremonial here and all that lovely

music.

I think Benny Goodman used to play one of these tunes a time.

What I mean to say is that when we first found out that the child was Jewish, you

know, Jesus could have knocked me over with a brick.

My link might be that she believed it right away.

When the kid said to me, I'm Jewish, the first thought come to my mind was,

you've got to be kidding me.

It all worked out good, you know. I mean, I handled it. I've been handling

it right along.

I mean, no sweat to me at all. I just maybe had to give up a couple of my

favorite jokes around the house.

Anyway, I think the kid turned out terrific.

And I just want to say to you, Stephanie, that I'm proud of you today,

and I'm proud of you every day of the year.

I'll just wrap it up with a word that all you Jews use whenever you're happy

there. Molotov.

Molotov. Thank you, Mr. Buck.

And now, our bat mitzvah girl.

Rabbi, Cantor, friends and relatives, I want to thank all of

you for the privilege of becoming an adult in your eyes.

I want to thank my grandmother, my uncle Archie, and my father Floyd for being

here today, which probably wasn't easy for him to do.

had a famous quote.

Instead, I want to say that today is very special for me.

And what would make it even more special?

It's if everyone could get along together.

I hope you take note of that.

We will now turn to page 26 for a donor lump.

Is there more?

They stand right there. Look, we didn't know what to get you, so what we did was

we all chipped in and we got you.

Ta-da!

Who says money doesn't grow on trees, huh?

That's terrific.

You didn't have to do that. I know, but I had a great time folding all those

bills.

Hey, listen, Steffi. You buy whatever you want with it, preferably something

that will drive Archie crazy.

Look at that. It's a money tree. You better take good care of that.

Oh, I am. I'm going to put it all in the bank and save it. That's smart.

Hey, Steffi, I'll take it upstairs and I'll put it in your room. Thanks,

Veronica.

Thanks, all of you.

I'm really glad you're all here. Say, isn't it about time we gave Steffi her

money tree?

Come on, Barney. Let's get you a cup of coffee.

Oh, no, no, no coffee.

You know what I always say?

Never mix, never worry.

Barney, help me pick out some expensive hors d'oeuvres, huh? Sure.

Uh, Mr. Vannard, do you think my suit looks funny?

Not to me.

Look,

we haven't had a chance to talk. Let's get down.

Okay. Talk to you later, then. Okay, bye.

Boy, this is a beautiful spread.

Yeah, but it's a spread of wasps.

These are knishes.

That's kugel. That's kishka.

What the, what the, what's this?

Meatball. Oh, I recognize that one. This is your, uh, kugel. Uh,

kishka. Oh.

It's just kind of delicious.

What is it?

Stuffed intestine.

The Jews would turn up their nose at a pork chop and eat that.

Bounced around for a while.

Rowan Oak, Charleston.

Until I finally ended up in Miami. And that's when things began to come around

good for me. You know, if this investment thing works out, I could be

up here all the time. That'd be great.

Yeah.

If only somebody gives a guy like me a second chance.

You know, the banks, they don't exactly roll out the red carpet for a guy that's

had a few bad debts.

It's not easy getting a loan.

The largest of banks only loan money to people who don't need it.

Yeah, I guess.

So sometimes you have to look for other sources.

Your grandmother,

for instance.

But, you know, maybe she won't want to help me out.

Maybe she would.

You stayed around for a while and proved yourself.

Yeah.

Hey.

What am I bothering you with this for? This is your big day. Look, I brought

you something here.

It was your mother's.

It's an heirloom.

I was going to sell it, but I sure am glad I didn't.

Beautiful.

Hey, you know what?

Who are you?

Just like your mom.

Oh, geez, Bloom.

Yeah, I got to admit, you throw one hell of a party. I didn't think you had the

class. Well, let that be a lesson to you there, Bloom.

I plan a whole thing, you know.

And I got a hold of my caterer, Maurice.

One of the most talented fags in the business.

He says to him, Maurice, I want a real McCoy Jewish spread.

And? What's the French say, finally?

Yes, Archie, you did a magnificent job.

Oh, this is Stephanie's grandmother here, Bloom.

She brung the swan.

Barry Bloom.

Nice to meet you. Hey, Grandma.

Look what my dad brought me.

Oh. I seen him give you that. That was very nice.

Don't you recognize it?

Belongs to my mom. It's a family heirloom.

Oh, yes.

Of course.

Steffi, come on.

You want something yourself?

No, thank you. I have a little business to attend to, I think.

Well, as long as you're going up that way, Bloom, and there he goes.

Off the wagon, Floyd.

Just some ginger ale, that's all.

Same way that cheap junk jewelry you gave Stephanie is a family heirloom.

Look, I was hoping it would make her happy to have something she thought was

her mother's, that's all.

How could you think you could get away with that?

You know perfectly well she was going to show it to me.

You didn't tell her, did you?

How could I?

No harm done.

Still expecting everyone to cover for you. Do exactly as you please.

Nothing's changed, Tess.

Not as far as Stephanie is concerned. I still love her.

You've got a funny way of showing it.

Right, right.

All you have to do to show it is just snap your fingers and you've got all of

this. Well, some of us just aren't that lucky.

If I could afford it, I'd buy her something nice.

You did come here for money, didn't you?

Look, it's not what you think. I have a legitimate opportunity in Miami. It's

real estate.

Oh, real estate. Right. Things are booming down there. There's going to be

big payoffs for everybody.

Oh, nice.

And all I need is just a little bit of cash to get in.

From me.

It's a first-class deal, Mrs. Harrison.

Floyd, forget it.

You know, Stephanie and I had a little heart-to-heart talk in there.

She was sure you were going to help me.

Don't ever use her to threaten me.

I'm not threatening. You drove a wedge between me and my daughter. Don't you

try that with Stephanie.

Or I promise you that you will live to regret it.

It's just that Steffi's getting a little older now. I just thought... Just

thought of yourself as usual.

You go to hell.

Give me a scotch.

Make it a double.

Come with me. I've got something for you to do in the living room.

Something nice.

I'd like to do something nice about now.

Oh, very nice.

What's she up to?

Well, I don't know. My daughter Gloria used to run around like that. She was

getting a flu.

Okay. What, what?

Everyone, my grandma and uncle...

Listen, I'd be very pleased to do that, but could you give me a minute or two?

I've got to take care of something first. Let's play something old and slow

now. I requested it especially for you. That's very sweet of you, Stephanie, but

your Uncle Archie has something else to do. Listen, I haven't anything better to

do. Oh, yes.

I mean, after all, you're the brother that's picking up the tab.

Oh, gee.

Barney, get away from there, will you? We was going to dance by ourselves here.

Hey, look, you want to do something helpful?

Charlie. Yeah. Well, one of them stino lights went out under the chaplain dish,

you know.

Let's go over there and breathe on it and set it aflame again.

Okay. You know, I've been getting a lot of compliments on this suit.

I did not keep it.

I just wanted to get you away from him, you know.

Don't be nervous. Don't be nervous. I ain't going to squash your feet.

I'm not nervous.

Well, my hand felt you trembling a little bit in your back there.

Well, it's just that I had a run-in with... Oh, never mind.

You know, you're a good dancer.

Oh, well, hey, you should have seen me in my cordon days there with my wife,

Peter. We used to be regular fixtures, you know, the original Roseland Bowl.

I'm so sorry.

I never met her.

You know, uh...

What Bloom was saying there before about the party having a lot of class, you

know, well, that's true.

And I just want to thank you for what you're doing here for Stephanie.

I want to thank you for what you do for Stephanie every day.

Thank you, Mr. L. Hey, you know, you're quite a lady.

And you're quite a gentleman.

Thanks. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to hit the can.

Now, blow them excuse me, please. What's the rush, Arch?

The rush is brought on by one taste of the clues.

Well, there are three people ahead of you. You're going to have to wait your

turn. Oh, yeah, that's what you think. I own this house and that can.

Have any of you seen my dad? Oh, no, I haven't. Oh,

we haven't danced yet.

Stephanie, now that you're officially a woman, Sit down and join us.

How does it feel?

Well, actually, I feel the same.

You do not. I mean, now all the fun begins.

Guys, dates, romance.

And at the end of the road, a Bloomingdale's charge card.

Stephanie, all of us think you did beautifully today.

Thanks.

Well, I guess this is where you all give me advice.

Oh, you'll be getting plenty of that. Especially living with Archie.

The only advice I ever got was from the nuns on my confirmation day.

They gathered all of us girls together, you know, in our pretty white dresses,

and told us, never wear shiny patent leather shoes.

Why?

Because they're out of style.

didn't burst.

Hey, Arch, kid's got a nice room here.

You're a thief, Floyd.

Look, Arch, I was just counting it for her. She said she wanted to take it to

the bank.

You're a liar.

All right, I'm sorry.

I'm a little short now.

I mean, old moneybags Harris wouldn't even loan a few bucks to her own son-in

-law. I mean, how am I supposed to get back on my feet again if nobody's going

to give me a break?

I'd like to give you a break, Floyd. I'd like to break your face. Hey, come on,

Hutch. No, I'm family.

Don't give me that family stuff. You ain't no part of this family.

Now go down the stairs and get out that door.

And don't come back no more.

Well, I'll tell her, too, when you're done.

What did he do?

Go on and tell her.

I was just looking around. I came upstairs and, you know, I've never seen

your room before.

Were you going to take my money?

I was just counting for you. I was just standing here and all of a sudden Archie

comes in and he starts to lose his cool.

Hey, hey.

Come on, huh?

I ain't gonna call the cops on you.

Well, for the first time in your life, look the kid in the face and tell her

the truth.

Tell me.

I would have paid you back, kid.

I'm sorry.

Hey, hey, what are you doing?

Come on, put that back. You ain't gonna give him your money.

Here, take it. He needs it more than I do.

Kid, don't be a sucker, don't you see? That's what he's building you up to

here.

Here.

It's my money and it's my decision.

Steffi.

I'll pay you back, I promise.

I really love you.

What did I tell you?

Oh, gee, kid, I'm sorry, you know.

Listen, here.

Come on over here and sit down. Let me talk to you.

See, the trouble with you is you think with your heart instead of your head,

you know.

Your auntie always used to do that.

She always trusted everybody.

I had to be the one to balance her out like I'm balancing you out now. You

understand?

I don't know.

Oh, well, I can't know everything, you know. I can't grow up all at once.

I got to tell you, you grew a long way today.

You know, you're going to learn a little more, a little more, a little more. Time

goes by, and all of a sudden, you'll be all grown up like me, you know?

And then, like me, you'll know everything.

There you are.

I've been looking all over for you.

Why did Floyd leave in such a hurry?

Well, look at the money tree. That tells a story.

He took her money?

Well, he... He would have took it, but he didn't have to. She'd give it to him.

He needed it.

Why did this have to happen?

Darling, I'm so sorry.

You know, I was trying to tell you downstairs.

Life can be so complicated.

And when a person gets off on the wrong foot... Well, Estelle, I just covered

that whole ground for the kid here, you know. She knows how awful life can be

for me.

There's nothing left to say.

Yes, there is.

Thank you both.

Everything.

Hey, come on. Let's not be sad. Come on. There's a party downstairs.

We got to go down there and we got to eat that cake, right? Oh, we still have

the candle lighting ceremony.

Got another ceremony.

Grandma.

There's just one thing I got to know.

Did this brooch really belong to my mother?

It was her very favorite.