Original subtitles

Hey, that's quite a sharp suit, Bond.

What did you do, mug a couch?

Well, I think it's beautiful.

And I'm wearing it because I'm meeting a very classy lady here, whom the first

time I looked at her, I knew deep down in my soul we were meant for each other.

Oh, that's so romantic. How did you meet her?

At a computer dating service.

You've got to be kidding me.

You'd let your whole social life depend on a machine?

Listen, those computers have impeccable tastes.

And not only that, they never make mistakes.

You see, the computer matches you up with your ideal date according to your

qualities. You must have got a bag lady with cardboard stockings.

Lucky for you, one of my qualities is tolerance.

Along with being handsome, athletic, intellectual, artistic, sensitive, and

well-groomed.

You're a hell of a big liar, too.

Don't be afraid of it, wouldn't you, Arch? Yeah.

Why would you do a thing like that to me?

How's my breath?

Like a farmer from the south of Italy.

How is it now?

Like a fag farmer from the south of Italy.

Oh, Barney.

Hey, there she is.

Hiya, cat.

I'll catch you later, Mr.

Vandar. We must have lunch. Sorry, Harry, I haven't got time to talk now.

Oh, please, sir, you don't have to get up. I do if I want to go to the men's

room. Oh, well, then, by all means.

Well,

you really know a lot of people. Yeah, well, you know me. I get around.

That's our proprietor over there. Remember, I told you a lot about him.

Bunker, oh, Bunker!

I think he means you, March.

You'll love him. He's a real character. You know, I saved his life during the

war. All right, Barney, what do you want, huh? Oh, hi, Arch.

I'd like you to meet Miss Catherine Logan.

Kathy, this is Archie Bunker. Very nice to meet you.

Oh, likewise, I'm sure.

Something wrong?

Oh, no, no, nothing at all. No, it's just nice to meet you here.

Thank you.

And keep on bringing some of your best French wine. A fifth of Chateaubriand.

Here is fine.

Oh, two beers.

Harry, draw one for Barney, huh? And draw another one for, uh, don't tell me,

don't tell me, Cathy.

I never forget nobody's name.

Join us, will you, Arch? Yeah, that's what I was going to do. Good.

Yeah, you have a very nice place here. Oh, thank you. And you certainly made a

very wise investment here, boy. Oh, well, let's not talk about business.

Let's talk about me. Hey, did you know that the Brotherhood of City Workers is

honoring me next Thursday?

Why would they do that?

For meritorious service as a bridge design consultant.

I thought it was a rusty bolts consultant.

It's going to be a very posh affair over at the Regency. Hey, we're going to

that. Oh? Yeah, and I'd be obliged if you'd join us, Arch.

Ah, no, I don't go for them things, you know.

Hours and hours of boring speeches and warm fruit cups and withered chicken

legs.

Come on, Arch, will you? Do me a favor. It'll mean a lot to me. You see, I'm

getting an award, and I promise you you'd have a lot of fun.

I hate fun.

Well, what I mean is that, uh, you know the old saying, huh? Two's company and

three's the crowd.

That's true.

You're not coming?

Yeah, I'll come.

Yes, my husband was a sports writer for over 30 years.

He was one of the editors of Ring magazine.

Oh.

Hey, what did he die of?

Stroke.

Lucky man. It could have been cirrhosis of the liver.

That's true.

You know, I still keep in touch with Jake LaMotta.

He's alive.

Yeah, he is.

Hey, did you know her husband used to be in a fight game?

I don't believe it.

Well, ask the woman. She's sitting right here.

I don't believe that they could misspell anything as important as my name.

Barney Heffer.

Heifer? That's an animal, isn't it? Yeah, a cow.

It's a cow, Barney.

I'm a heifer. Like you.

Not a heifer like Elsie.

Oh, put your feet together.

I don't get it.

Come on, Barney. It's already engraved. There's nothing you can do about it now.

Oh, yes, there is. I'm going to complain to O'Rourke. He's the head of the

brotherhood. Don't go and do that. Yes, I am. You can't tell this guy nothing.

But, I mean, don't get me wrong.

Barney's a hell of a small guy.

You're not so bad yourself.

The man loves dogs.

Yes, I know.

I didn't want to tell him, but dogs destroy my finances.

Oh, yeah, they ruin my lawn, too.

Boy, did I give him a piece of my mind. I told him the top man in the department

shouldn't be insulted like that. You should have seen him grovel.

Um, come on, Barney, let's dance.

Well, I can't dance.

That's not what the computer said.

Oh, what I mean is I can't dance tonight, you see, because I have this

old bridge wound that's acting up. Be a pal, Arch, and dance with the lady.

Ah, Bonnie, I ain't supposed to do that.

Why not?

Sure you can, Arch. Go ahead.

Here, let's give it a twirl.

Yeah? Yeah.

Oh, okay. Yeah, all right. I'll give it a twirl.

I mean, I can't promise you that the old toes will twinkle the way they used to,

you know, but, well.

I'm sure you'll do just fine.

You know what it's all.

You go around never dreaming I care.

Loving somebody somewhere.

Leaving me my silent love. You know, they don't write them like this no more.

Hey. You know, I remember the last time I heard that tune.

When was that?

The night Marciano won his last title fight.

I've seen that fight. That was with Archie Moore.

Right. Rocky KO'd him in the night.

The fix was in.

I lost $12.

Hey, you know, we probably saw each other there and we didn't even know it.

Well, what do you mean? Oh, I know what you mean. We was both there and maybe

seen each other and didn't know it like sheep stood passing by, huh?

You really can trip the light fantastic.

Ah, you should have seen me in my young days, you know, jazz with my wife, rest

her soul.

But then, of course, she knew all my moves.

Did you go dancing a lot?

Oh, yeah, you know, in the early days, we did everything. But, you know, like

everybody else, when time passed by, then we didn't do nothing.

Oh, Mr. O'Rourke, sir.

Just who I've been looking for.

The top man in the department.

Maybe, maybe I did exaggerate that a little. Oh, don't be so modest. Listen,

I just got word.

A cable snapped on the Queensborough Bridge.

Gee, that's a shame.

So I asked myself, who else should I send but Mr. Top Man in the department?

Oh, well, Mr. O'Rourke, you can't do that. I mean, I'm... sitting here having

a couple of drinks, relaxing.

My mind is a million miles away.

Well, that's no different than a normal work day for you.

Heather, I'll get going.

Yes, sir.

Hey, Arch.

Oh, hi, Bonnie. You want to cut in? No, no. There's been an emergency on the

Queensborough Bridge, and the only man in the city that can handle it is me.

So I got to go.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'll get my coat. Oh, no, no, no. There's no reason for your

merriment, Dan.

Hey, Arch, be a pal, huh? And take Kathy home for me.

Well, I guess I could do that, Barney. Oh, thanks a lot.

I'm awfully sorry. I'm sorry. You know, it's one of those things.

I'll call you. Yes.

Thanks. Good night. Good night.

Well, if you got your check, I'll get your coat for you.

Well, the music isn't over.

Well, this is true.

This is, uh, this is it. Yeah, oh, allow me, allow me.

There, yeah.

Now, uh, there ain't no hole in here.

Uh, the top one. Oh, the top one. Yeah.

Still don't like it. Turn it around.

Oh,

excuse me.

Yeah, here we are.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, well, good night.

Why don't you come in and I'll make some coffee.

Well, I'd better not because I wasn't expecting to.

Yeah. I mean to say, look at the time. Yeah, it is. It's late.

Good night.

Oh, dear.

We hadn't ought to do this, you know.

Because of Barney?

Who?

Barney.

Oh, Barney, yeah.

That's right.

Because he happens to be my best friend.

I know.

And if he knew that he was doing anything like this, I mean, it would

break the guy's heart.

I know.

I'll give you a way. I'll wait a minute. Hold it. Hold it. I can't. I can't.

I got to get right back to the joint. You know, Harry's in there lonely.

And he wasn't expecting I'd be... I'll tell you what I got to do. I got to lock

up the kids.

There's nobody around.

Finished my lunch.

I even ate the broccoli.

No kids at the bar, huh?

Have a good time last night, Arch?

Well, to tell you the truth, Mr. Ben, nowadays I can never have a good time

enjoying myself.

Should have been a nice affair.

I hate that boy, Mr. Benhart. Anyway, I don't remember what I done last night.

He didn't get back till two in the morning.

No kids at the bar.

I remember what I was doing at two in the morning. What was you doing?

Nothing, nothing. You made it. You understand?

No D say nothing to me unless I D say something to you first.

Here's Barney now. You don't believe me, eh? Ask him what happened. Hey, Barney,

what happened last night?

Happened? Nothing happened.

Nothing at all.

See, what'd I tell you?

Except that a man gets called away to save the lives of an unappreciated

public, and while he's gone, his best friend steals the woman he loves.

Hey, Barney.

Hey, come on, Barney, old pal.

Don't be this way. I mean, hey, nothing happened.

That ain't the way I heard it.

About what? Jake has been talking to you.

Catherine, what did you two do after I left?

A little dance, and that's all. I wouldn't lie.

Did you... You know what?

What?

You know.

You know.

Barney, I hope you ain't gonna use that bad word.

Even these respectable premises.

Don't you talk to me that way, you sex maniac.

Put your brace down here. Hey, don't nobody be paying attention to me over

here. Mind your own business.

You want to step outside?

Will you stop talking like a stupid, ignorant kid?

Sticks and stones can break my bones, but I ain't afraid of you anymore

because love has made me strong.

All right, Blarney.

Well, take a poke at me, go ahead, but I'm warning you. I'm going to have to

defend myself.

Well, I'm not going to take any more of this. Give me a pen, Harry.

Oh, jeez, he's going to write another suicide note.

Oh, no.

I'm going to pay off my bar tab so I don't have to set foot in this joint

anymore. Come on, will you? Your bar tab's $182.

You can't afford to pay all of that off.

I don't need your pity, pal. Here, take it. My last dime. And good riddance.

Ah, Barney, Barney, don't run away like that.

Barney!

Oh, a man who pays his whole bar tab is deeply wounded.

I didn't think he could write a check that big.

He didn't.

It's an IOU.

Well, that means he don't hate me.

And he signed it Barney Heffer, whoever that is.

Oh, that's a cow.

Hi, Archie. Oh, holy cow, Captain. What are you doing here?

I just came to give you this.

What is it?

His hat.

Wait a minute, Captain. Wait a minute, please.

Don't run out the door on me, huh?

I can't stand any more people running out the door on me.

I'd like you to come in and have a little talk here. I... I got

a little office back here where we can, you know, have a little...

Don't be looking at me.

I have this little office in here.

Well,

I, uh... I had to...

We talked with Barney, and I told him that we kind of liked each other, and he

understood after he stopped crying.

He was crying again. I wasn't there for that.

We're free to see each other without a guilty conscience.

Yeah, the last thing in the world I want to do is come between you and Barney.

Barney and I just met.

But he's going to go on feeling so bad.

What are we going to do about that?

Well, uh, we could re-engrave his trophy.

Yeah, that'd do it, I guess.

But that ain't it, you know. Just what happened last night, it just seems to be

so wrong.

That was nice.

I know.

So what's wrong?

I really don't know.

But I gotta ask you to do something for me.

Can you make believe that what happened last night was just, you know, like me

being polite to you for Barney's sake, yeah?

Oh, I see.

No, I don't see.

It ain't as if I don't like you.

Of course I do.

Is there somebody else?

Is it serious?

Yeah.

Who?

Ah, forget about it. It's none of my business.

And why should I be so nosy?

Who is it?

My wife.

But you said you were alone now.

I am, but...

I don't feel like I am.

Well, Arnie, what are you doing back here?

Hiya, fellas.

You know, I thought it all over, and I decided I'm an idiot.

I'll buy that. But what brings you back here?

Well, you see, Arch is my best friend. And if he tells me that nothing happened

between him and Catherine, I gotta believe it's true.

Harry... Do you have that IOU I gave you?

Yeah, it's right back here.

I don't want to insult my best friend with money.

Where is Arch?

Why?

I want to apologize.

It ain't necessary.

Harry's right. Better stay mad for a while. You're beautiful when you're

angry. No, no, no.

Where is Arch, you know, anyway?

Gone. Out.

Where? Connecticut.

Well, maybe I should just write him a note.

Good thinking, Bond.

Why don't you go home and do it?

Give me a pen, Harry.

Arch took all the pens to Connecticut.

I bet I could find one writer in New York. No!

I guess it takes a while.

Aha!

I caught you.

You animals.

Catch nothing, Barney.

Okay, put him up. Come on.

Come on, let's see him. Get your dupes up.

Yeah, wait about 20 minutes.

Cut it out, cut it out. Don't be so foolish.

Goodbye, Barney.

Goodbye, Barney?

Goodbye, Archie.

Goodbye, Catherine.

She dumped you too, huh?

Yeah, Barney, like a hot potato.

Yeah.

But it's okay.

Boy, I know how it is to be dumped. It isn't easy.

You know?

Hey, son, suddenly I don't feel so bad.

Come on, pal. I tell you what, I'll buy you a drink.

Yeah, all right, Barney. Sure, yeah. Come on, Arch.

Attaboy. Yeah, Barney.

Okay, Barney.

Hey, Harry.

Barney's gonna buy us a drink.

Everything worked out all right.

Well, you know.

It's gonna take a while.

you