Original subtitles

He asked Amy Bloom to the carnival. She said no.

Then he asked Nancy Jenkins and she said no.

Then he asked me and I said no.

What's wrong with him? He wears his shirt inside out and eats notebook

paper.

I once knew a boy who ate library pizza.

You have to be talking about boys so early in the morning, eh?

You know, there's a time for that.

When?

When I ain't here.

Uncle Archie says if Adam never met Eve, the world would be better.

I didn't say better. I said quiet.

I'm only eating the fruit.

Billy says there's enough chemicals in there to kill a whale.

What are you talking about? Whales don't eat cereal. They eat human beings.

Don't you understand? It's the sugar that's bad for you.

You're wrong.

Your average American needs about a half a pound of sugar every day just to stay

awake and sleep.

Look it up.

Please, just leave the nutritionism in this house to me, huh?

And another thing. I seen you down the jank yesterday. You're washing off the

tables with the soap and water. Don't do that no more. Use the special spray we

got. That stuff is bad for the environment.

Why?

It's aerosol.

No, it's sweet pines at a yellow star.

I mean, we use that so that the customers will like it, you know? It

takes their minds off of what's wafted in from the kitchen on the one side and

from the restrooms on the other side.

Just do what I tell you, huh?

When you look at her, huh?

Jazzing around here, kibitzing with all the customers.

Now she's sitting down with Sid having a chat. The next thing you know, she'll be

feeding them.

She is.

Take it easy.

Your niece is doing a great job. All the customers love her.

I want a waitress, Harry, not a visiting nurse.

Oh, look at this.

Excuse me here, but, uh, Sid, if you don't mind, feeding time is over.

Can't you give some service to the hungry customers? There's a guy over

here getting ready to nibble on a tablecloth.

Okay, okay.

Hi, how are you today?

About ready to eat the tablecloth.

How's the liver?

It's pretty good, if you like organs.

Why don't you order the steak sandwich? It's the special today. Excuse me, just

a minute, would you mind?

Every day I have to have a little chat with my niece here, right at 12.22.

What's wrong with that?

It's the matter with you. Why are you pushing the $3.95 special over the $5.95

liver? Well, I was just being honest.

I don't like liver.

But who cares what you like?

You ain't Julius John.

Archie, will you quit picking on her? Billy is a joy to have around here.

She's the best waitress you got, and you know it.

I'm just trying to be helpful. If a customer doesn't know what to order, I

like to recommend something.

Find and recommend a high-priced item.

For instance, the seafood planner for four.

But he's just one person. So what?

If the good Lord didn't want people to order more than they eat, he never would

have bestowed upon this world the doggie bag.

Can I get back to my customer now?

Oh, yeah, yeah, but remember, the bigger the check, the bigger the tip, huh?

She must be doing something right.

Sid just had pine coffee. Left five bucks on the table.

When was the last time somebody left you five bucks, huh?

When was the last time you was working in the kitchen?

Hello,

Bunker. Oh, God, here comes big budget rain.

I've got something for you to sign.

My arm is half broke from all the crap all you had me sign in last week.

It was just the first round.

Saving this business is a 15-round title fight.

Ah, come on, you as accountants, you're always making everything sound worse

than it is.

All right, come on, come on, let's go.

Gee, you got something for me to sign?

Hi, Billy, how you doing?

Oh, hi, are you working today?

Yeah, well, there's a lot I gotta do around here to pull this place together.

Yeah. Say, you do know what I do around here, don't you?

Well, sure, you ordered the napkins and the straws. Oh, yeah.

You have no conception of what the problem is.

No. What's the problem?

I costello.

That's the problem.

Your uncle.

Come on, come on with the bad news.

Just sign this and I'll be on my way. All right, but wait a minute.

Let me look at it, and I want to know what I'm signing first.

That is the reimbursement check to the bank for your liability insurance, which

the bank covered when you failed to pay it, and I explained all this last week,

so will you please just sign the check? I'm signing it. I'm signing it.

$850. $850.

Sign it. You don't have to get nasty about it.

I'm signing it.

Geez, for $850, you know, you'd think the bank would give me a little

something like a premium, a calendar with the Regents picture on the front of

it, or at least a blender.

Bungerman, what you get is the opportunity to stay in business. Sign

the check.

I'm signing it.

There. There.

Right, all right. So, how's your new waitress turning out?

My new waitress? What's that to you?

Well, obviously, I am interested in all facets of the business.

The efficient.

Does she work well?

Does she have a boyfriend?

Uh, keep your mind over that facets of the business, huh?

Anyway, I should think a guy like you would have a girlfriend of his own. Not

anymore. She moved out.

Do you live in with a girl?

Sure, I live with a couple.

A couple, huh?

Some kind of a, what do you call a, minutiae truce, don't you?

No, one at a time.

Hey, what do you think I am?

I know what you are.

But whatever you are, you stay away from my little niece out there. She's an

innocent young girl.

Oh, how young is she?

She's about 12.

And she's from down in the state of Maryland, you know?

A country, way out in the Thule someplace.

And I don't want her spurled by the likes of you. Okay, okay.

Excuse me.

Archie Bunker's place, A. Bunker here.

Oh, hiya, Chuck.

Yeah, this is Chuck from Chuck's Meats. You've seen the checks there.

Did you get my check, Chuck?

The check for the chickens.

Yeah, we'll check, will you?

But before you check, Chuck...

Uh, I was glad to notice that, uh, the chickens, they was already strangled and

plucked, Chuck.

Where you going?

To the bank bunker.

Well, see that you don't be cursed in your eyes with the desirable sea on my

little knees, will you?

You, you, no, no, not you, Chuck.

Why would I be telling you that? You're an old man.

Pick up, snake sand.

Pick up, snake sand.

That's me.

Thanks, Harry.

Hi again.

Hello. Are you busy, or can you get me a cup of coffee?

Ah, I'm busy. Harry, can you get him a cup of coffee, please?

Say, I'll bet New York is quite a change for you. Not like that little farm town

where you grew up.

It's hustle and bustle and tall buildings.

Oh, yes.

You know, I'd never ridden in an elevator before I came here.

No kidding.

I practically grew up in an elevator on Central Park West.

Oh, you must be so worldly.

Well, I've been around.

Where did you grow up?

In a haystack in downtown Baltimore.

Now you're putting me on.

What makes you say that?

Hey, seriously, look. Tonight, you and I are going to go out to dinner.

Oh, we are?

That's right. I'm going to show you the town.

Maybe I'm busy.

Oh, are you?

No. So, there's no problem.

Oh, yes, there is.

Tonight is the night I have to change the bag in my vacuum cleaner.

Kate, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Are you saying that you don't want to go out with me?

Gee, you are pretty worldly, aren't you?

Creamy sugar?

Forget the coffee. I need a shot.

Ah, well, uh, Harry, make that shot of cash, sir.

Uh, just a minute, will you, Barbara Lee, there? Oh, Billy.

Come on, Billy.

Whatever.

This accountant was just asking you out, wasn't he?

Yes, he was. Don't talk to him untimely.

I don't want you going out with him.

Understand?

Because he's got the loosest pair of morals I've ever seen on a young man.

Don't go out with him. All right, boy, big guy.

You understand what I'm saying?

Yes, I understand what you're saying.

Good. Now do your work like a nice little girl.

Kid's going to do what she wants to, Arch. No, she ain't. She's going to

remember what I told her.

Roger, why don't you pick me up at my uncle's house at 8 o'clock?

704 Houser Street.

All right, fine.

8 o'clock.

I'll be there.

Kid's got a short memory, Arch.

Where's Mr. Watts' name taken to the nice?

I don't know. I'm leaving that up to him.

Geez, if you don't care that much, why don't you just stay home with us two?

Because I want to go out. I want to have a good time.

I hate that.

Don't go in his car.

Why not?

Don't you know nothing.

What do you want to do, wind up in some dark drive-in where you won't know where

his hands are till it's too late?

You shouldn't be listening to none of this.

I'll get it.

Hi, Roger. Come on in. Thanks, Stephanie.

Hey, Billy, I like your jeans.

It starts already.

Nice house, Bunker. Thank you.

It's just I expected something different.

Well, what did you expect?

I thought I'd see a little black jockey out on your front lawn.

Come on, Roger. Let's go.

Wait a minute there, Costello. I want to ask you something. Archie, please.

But, hey, this is important.

Where are you taking my niece tonight?

I don't know.

You don't know?

No.

She don't know. You don't know. Who the hell knows?

Let's go, Roger. We're going to be late.

Late for what?

I don't know.

Stella, you better bring that kid home from I don't know by 10 o'clock.

Hope you guys have a nice time.

Hope you guys have a nice time.

Why would you hope for a terrible thing like that?

Wouldn't it be wonderful if they fell in love?

No.

And let me tell you something. If them two falls in love, there's going to be

no movies for you for six months.

I mean it. I mean it.

You're not the Reverend Philip Armstrong.

You're Boston Blackie.

Get business on me, Inspector.

Oh, no.

Explain where the last words sprawled in blood on Cartwright's desk were.

Blackie did it.

Oh, jeez, look at the timing.

A guy that can bench rubber coffee tables is going to make a fortune.

All right.

Hang on and close the door now.

I'm putting the light on here.

I'll take the chain off of you now.

Thanks. How did you expect me to get in with the chain on?

I didn't expect you to get in with the chain on. So you could nip past me here

slumbering on the soap.

Come on in.

What were you doing out till 2 a.m.? 3 a.m., and I was having a great time.

I don't want to hear that.

Did you do anything tonight that you should be ashamed of?

Would you be happy if I told you that Roger and I spent the entire evening in

his apartment?

Why the hell would you think that would make me happy?

I won't tell you that. Good night.

Wait a minute, dear.

I'm your father's brother, you know?

I'm your uncle, you know?

And you're my niece, you know? She don't know nothing.

Jeez, Lord, did I do something wrong, huh?

You put me through this teenage torture all over again.

Or are you just in one of your playful moods?

Here it is, Sid.

Meatloaf Nicaragua. Wow.

Hey, Billy, I hear you had a good time on your date last night. I know.

Oh, I had a terrific time. I was out till 3 a.m.

You have to yell that out to the wire.

3 a.m.? That's pretty late for a first date.

Ah, well, you know, there's a chance nothing happened.

Yeah, one in a million.

Listen, I could kill this guy Costello, you know. Don't do that, Arch. You might

need him for the shotgun weapon.

Ah, come on, cut that out.

And here he is.

I'll straighten him right out now.

Now, don't forget, he's taking care of the business.

Ah, the business he's taking care of. You don't need no editing machine for

that.

Hey, Costello there.

Could I see you when you see her?

Please?

Oh, hi, Roger.

Hi, Billy.

Costello?

What's the big emergency?

You break the calculator again?

Hi.

Nothing in this office is broke at the moment.

And what does that mean?

Just sit down, huh? Sit down.

I just want to have a little talk with you. Like you're man to man, huh?

Well, let me start.

Now, it's a well-known fact that you was guys that fool around with figures. And

I know this from my ex-partner, Murray Klein.

He's got these sexual sages, you know, that's in a permanent state of

carousals.

Bunker. Billy and I went to a double feature and sat in a coffee shop, that's

all. Oh, good, a double feature.

What pictures did you see?

It was a couple of G-rated films that Billy insisted on seeing. Swiss Family

Robinson and Raccoons of the Wilderness.

What was the subject of the Raccoons picture?

Opens with... Baby raccoon being chased by evil Mr. Fox, and then the mean

hunter with the wooden leg who hasn't... Let's say I believe you.

You gotta be out of two pitches by midnight.

That's when we went to the coffee shop.

What could you do in a coffee shop at three hours?

Drink coffee.

Now, you took it to your apartment.

No, no apartment.

In fact, the only physical contact we had all evening was when our hands

accidentally touched in the popcorn box.

Outside of the popcorn box.

What else touched?

Nothing touched.

She didn't even want to talk to me.

Then why did she stay with you, Petrillo?

I don't know. I don't know why she went out with me.

Neither do I.

I certainly told her not to.

You told her not to go out with me? You're damn right I told her. I told her

she was a child, and I ordered her to say no to you.

And why she turned right around and said yes, I'll never figure.

But she ain't gonna say yes no more.

Of course, you ain't gonna ask her no more.

Now, do you understand what I've been telling you here?

Now I understand.

Good. Because I hate to waste my valuable time.

Billy, I want to talk to you. Later, okay? No, now.

Excuse me, what is this? You used me last night. You only went out with me to

spite your uncle. I just talked to him, so don't try to deny it.

I haven't said anything yet.

Boy, am I surprised at you.

I didn't think you were that kind of person.

Well, I'm not, really.

Things just sort of happened, and you got caught in the middle.

I'm sorry.

I really am.

You know what bothers me?

You never gave me a chance.

Well, I might have if you'd talked to me straight like you are now.

I mean, yesterday you were coming on to me like you were James Bond selling used

cars.

Yeah, well, I guess I was trying a little too hard to impress you.

Why don't we just forget yesterday, okay?

And maybe we can go out again and try to get to know each other.

Yeah.

Maybe we could.

Good.

Bambi and Dumbo are coming to the Imperial.

Okay, I deserve that.

Costello.

Costello!

I was just leaving, Bunker.

I'll see you, Billy.

Bye, Roger.

Archie, look at me.

What? I'm grown up.

Oh, gee, don't be asking me to notice that.

You have to understand that I need to live my life my own way.

Sure, but just give me a little time to show you how to do that, and then you're

on your own.

Now, last night, I was starting to...

tell you some things, you know, about men that most women generally don't

know.

When you allow a guy to a movie, you always make sure that you have your own

popcorn box.

And then, for some reason, only the Lord knows why, he created young men

into savage animals.

Now, that's A and B. But the most important thing is three.

And that is that we all got these certain feelings, see?

These joys.

But it's better if here on night we put them things down, see?

Of course, we're going to have them again in here, right?

That would be good.

Why do we care? We're going to be dead anyway.

You've really given me a lot to think about.

Oh, yeah, well, that's good. That's good.

That's nice.

Listen here, remember another thing. You know, you're my brother's kid.

So that makes you like my kid there. And all I want to do is give you all the

benefits of my whole world of experience.

Thanks.