Original subtitles

Whoop-de-doo, found a quarter in the gutter.

Which means that this day is my lucky day. And look at little Veronica home

from vacation. Put it right there.

Hi, Arch.

What's the matter with you?

Did your family reunion end in gunfire again?

No, everything there was fine.

The trouble is here, Arch.

Ah, come on, the two of you. Just give me a break, huh? Let me get a little

coffee down me before you start coming at me like a couple of wolves.

Hey, Arch, my sink is still stopped up and my oven ain't working right. All

right, all right. I'll take care of it. I'll take care of it. Look at Harry with

the long push on him there.

Ah, what do you got?

A full house.

Three agents and two final notices.

Don't you know that they stamp all that final and urgent crap all over that

thing there to get a guy excited, huh?

Listen, a smart businessman always knows how to juggle his bills around.

You know, you rob Peter to pay Paul.

Sometimes you rob Peter and Paul to pay Marbelle.

Hey, boss, I got a problem with my paycheck again. Oh, you too, Jose?

Remember last week my paycheck was $30 short? Well, this week... Jose, Jose, I

ain't got time to listen to that now. Can't you give me just a little tiempo,

parallel cafe?

I told you it was all gonna even out, didn't I?

Cash it, cash it!

Raise your letter for Archie Bunker. Oh, right over here, sir, over here.

Yeah. Don't be standing there like you're surprised about something here.

Just do what I tell you.

Uh, Harry, Harry, Harry, would you give the gentleman something here, huh?

Are you sure?

You want me to say it for you, Nickerogan?

Cashew to check up.

Okay, if you say so. Yeah, yeah. Now, let's see what we got here.

Something tells me the Reader's Digest sweepstakes is in here.

Open that up and take a look. Tell me what it is there. You know what they

give? First prize, $100,000.

Second prize, $100 a week for life.

Third prize, two Jap cars.

Dear Mr. Bunker, this is to inform you that because of your repeated failure to

meet your loan repayment schedule, we will foreclose in ten days on the

business known as Archie Bunker's Place.

What's that, fourth prize?

Don't be funny, Harry.

This here thing could be serious. Give me that card.

This is Murray Klein's fault. Leave me here, dear.

Formule...

Oh, my God. I better see Sam Rabinowitz, my lawyer. Jose, give me the keys to

your car, huh? Yeah, sure, Boris. Here. Here.

All right. I shouldn't be more than an hour. A couple of things. The seat's

broke, and I got one brake light out.

Well, hold it. I'll drive it anyway.

And don't turn left too good.

Well, all right. I'll drive there clockwise.

Hey, don't you know coming in has always got the right-of-way over going out?

Good afternoon, Mrs. Bugleson.

Fogelson. Yeah, whatever.

I've got to talk to old man Rabinowitz. Emergency.

I'm sorry. You don't have an appointment and he's really very busy.

Will you call him and tell him a man's life is at stake here?

Just a minute.

Don't look at me. Read your magazine.

Mr. Rabinowitz, Mr. Bunker is here.

His life is at stake again.

Have a seat, Mr. Bunker. Thank you very much.

Oh, good afternoon, Mr. Abbott. Beautiful day, isn't it? It was, until

some lowlife driving a wreck cut me off, stole my parking space, and scraped the

side of my new car. Oh, that's terrible.

And then, when I got out of the car to talk to him, he called me a fag and ran

into the elevator.

Did you get a good look at him? Oh, yeah. He was an old guy. Fat.

Probably a welfare case.

He was dressed in a tan jacket and was wearing a mildewed hat.

You. No, I play English, buddy. Don't give me that. What are you doing?

Driving around in a coma?

I was driving around a Chevy.

You can't prove that I hit your car if you don't even know the kind of car I

was driving around in. Believe me, you may not have seen it through those dice

hanging in your windshield, but you hit me and you will pay.

I ain't gonna pay nothing. It wasn't my fault. Hey, I seen that parking space

first. I was headed straight forward there and you cut me off and you hit the

front of my car with the door of yours. I can't believe you hit me. All you had

to do was turn left.

That's easy for you to say.

Mr. Bunker, wait.

No waiting, no waiting, no waiting.

I want his name and address.

Oh, no problem.

If you made these mortgage payments, tell me, where are the canceled checks?

I don't know.

I had to lower someplace.

It took me a week to find the damn thing. Listen, canceled checks is

ancient history.

I'm asking you to get me out of trouble now.

Bunker, there's an old saying, God forgives.

But the bank forecloses.

That's why I come to you, Abe. You know them bankers. I mean, they're your

people, ain't they?

I wouldn't be surprised if the head banker over there goes to the same

temple as you.

I think Mr. O'Leary goes to his own temple.

I'm going to save you one more time. But on one condition.

I'm hiring a business manager for you. Oh, come on, will you? Not a guy poking

his nose into my business there. Even the two of us is one too many.

I have a business unless you agree to this. No, no, no, no.

Don't forget I hold Murray Klein's power of attorney.

You understand what I'm telling you?

Yeah, you're telling me you're blackmailing me. You can call it that,

but it's for your own good.

Linda. Yes, Mr. Rabinowitz.

Prepare a chance to foreclosure. Mr.

Bunker will attempt to supply you with some details.

This way, please.

All right.

Is Roger here yet?

Yes, Mr. Revitowitz. Send him in. I need a business manager like a jockey needs

hem roots.

Finish the work on Patrick's hardware.

So soon? Sure, it was a breeze. Here's the report.

Good.

A couple more jobs like that and you'll have your own management firm.

I got a great opportunity for you. You're a...

A Yankee fan, aren't you? Yeah. A friend of mine hinted they're looking for an

auditor. Auditor for the Yankees? Easy, kid.

Nobody starts in the majors. This is just a farm club. But you get two box

seats for every Yankee game.

Box seats?

Yeah. But I need a favor from you. A client with a bar and grill.

In big trouble.

Hey, you're talking to the guy that kept Clannahan's mortuary alive.

Well, this is somewhat similar, but not so much fun.

Really, the only way it can be difficult.

It'd be good practice for working with George Steinbrenner. When do I start?

Right now.

Linda, you finished in there?

Uh, she says something about taking a deposition. I suppose you stepped out

the main stand.

Who is that?

Come on in, bunker, and meet your new business manager.

You've got to be kidding.

What's the matter?

Oh, jeez.

Don't be listening to this guy. He's a liar. I never touched his car. What car?

He sideswiped me in the parking lot. He's a cretin. I'm an American, and I

didn't touch his car. Gentlemen, please.

Was there substantial damage? No, no, no. All right, then. Work it out

yourselves. Roger here.

is going to save your business.

No, Abe, no.

This kid says put my bar over my dead body. Just so long as I can get to the

book. Stop the book.

This kid is very good. No, Abe, no, no.

You know, foreclosure is an ugly business.

They board up the place, they sell the furnishings and inventory. Before you

know it, you'll be going back to that loading dock.

Couldn't you send me a smart Jewish guy?

A brilliant Gentile is just as good.

Roger, when you're in business, you can't be too choosy about your clients.

Look at me.

We're talking the Yankees here.

I don't think it's possible. Listen to me, Roger.

We're in the bottom of the ninth. Two out.

Bases are loaded.

We're behind three runs. Sixty thousand fans are on their feet screaming.

Oh, you know, I think I've seen that game. Shut up.

You're up at bat.

But if your knees are wobbling, I can call in a pinch hitter. I think you

should call in a pinch hitter. Oh, you talk me into it, Alvin. Nice spirit.

Well, gentlemen, you may have started off on the wrong foot, but I'm sure

it's going to work out fine.

We'll get you straightened out, Mr. Bunker.

Aye, aye.

It's still blackmail.

Come on, come on. Get all of this stuff out of sight.

But we always put this stuff out.

You always put it out. Why should I show I'm wasting money on fruits?

It's got you nervous, huh?

That ain't it. That ain't it. Let me tell you something. This kid was forced

on me.

And I'm going to get rid of him just as fast as I can.

Now, one other thing.

If this wise guy here sees a warning as to how things are running around here,

be sure and tell him things are running fine.

But we've got a lot of problems here.

Do you want a total stranger coming in here and turning the place upside down,

top to bottom?

Yes!

You ain't seen this guy. We ain't seen a smart-aleck college kid.

Two pairs of shifty eyes jumping around looking at everything there.

Mean inside. A guy with a vicious temper. You forgot my foaming at the

mouth.

Well, as long as you're here, might as well meet everybody. There's Harry

Snowden, my bartender over there.

Hi. This is my chef here, Veronica Rooney. How do you do?

This is Mr.

Costello. Abbott. Close.

Glad to meet you. Thank you.

This is a nice place you've got here. Yeah, thank you very much. So, let's see

what we can do about saving it. Where's your office? In there.

Why don't we start with your books?

Yeah, well, wait a minute, wait a minute. You don't have to rush right

into that. Don't you want me to show you around, adjoined? All right, good idea.

Yeah. Well, we'll start right here. Why don't we?

Over there, that there is the bar.

And that being true, what you see all around here is what they call the bar

area.

I figured that.

You don't keep any snacks on the bar? No, no, no. Peanuts, popcorn, pretzels?

No, no, no, none of that kind of junk, you know.

I mean, why waste the money?

I follow the old saying. You take care of the pennies, and the dollars will

take care of the morse.

Yeah. But market research shows that salty snacks will increase drink orders

by 30%. No kidding!

Where'd you find out all of that?

Did my homework.

Can I say something about the bow tie?

You don't like it. Well, it's just that in a neighborhood bar, the customers

like a less formal look.

The bartender should be like a buddy.

How many times did I tell you not to wear that tie, Harry?

Yeah, Harry. When are you going to learn?

Try to watch it.

Oh, I almost forgot.

The beer ought to come in this morning. Here's a bill. Can I just see that?

Go ahead. Help yourself. Help yourself.

What are you going to tell me now? Not to order no more beer at my bar there?

No. But downstate distributors charge more than anyone else in the city. We'll

have to change that.

Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm going to tell you something that you're

never going to like in your market research, Danny.

Downstage distributors.

Very old fight.

They do a very lovely thing for all our saloon keepers around Christmas.

They give us a personalized plastic beer mug.

See, that's the kind of thing that money can't buy.

I guess not.

Hey, 50 Paltry just delivered the chicken order.

Ah, yeah, 50 Paltry there.

Come here. I'm going to show you what that means, see?

Now, this is something else that you can't learn by just doing homework.

This is something a businessman's got to learn out of his own instinctual, see?

50 Paltry. Now, I normally buy my meats from Chuck's Meats.

Very good.

But now I find Chuck's chickens as high as a kite.

So what do I do? I scour around the whole city of New York, see, till I come

upon this jank.

Shrimp deport me, eh? And I make a deal with them.

Fifty percent less.

Step this way.

What the hell is this?

This is your bargain.

Pretty nice-looking boys, huh?

I mean, you can hardly find that chickens don't fresh it in the sea.

Beautiful. Yeah.

Well, then, Raoul, don't just stand there looking at them, huh?

Strangle them more.

This is unbelievable.

How have you stayed in business this long? Because I'm a damn good

businessman, that's all. Now, come on, kid, look, we ain't gonna get along.

Why don't you go back there to Mr. Evinix? Some of these are six months

old. Just tell him I really don't need an accountant.

You need an archaeologist.

Look at this.

Look at this.

Are there 20,000 swizzle sticks here, or am I crazy?

Both.

Well, why not, huh?

Swizzle sticks is always useful. Swizzle sticks don't spill.

Besides, these are very special commemorative swizzle sticks here. Each

one's got the face of a different president on a business end there.

Well, that's class.

I can stir my gin Ricky with Tricky Dicky.

Don't be taking shots at my favorite president there.

The poor man's suffering enough living over in Jersey.

Could I have your attention, please?

Announcing the arrival of Jose Perez.

This wasn't my idea.

What the hell happened to you?

Success?

You hit a number.

Nah, nah. I just got a raise.

Hey, let me tell you. A big apple tastes a whole lot better when you got some

bucks.

Jose, do you mind me asking you how much you got paid yesterday?

$1,320.

That's your normal paycheck.

I know, I know. I told the boss and he said it would all even out.

The baby is sure high.

America, great country, huh?

Great filing system.

Phone bill, urgent.

Water, final notice.

Linen service, past due.

Two cheeseburgers, medium rare.

Okay, we're coming to the end here. You got gas, consolidated Edison. You got

Holtzman's dairy here.

$150.

You got Brown's Garage here for $250.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What the hell is this Brown's Garage for $250?

That is for scratching my car.

Oh, that's for scratching your car.

Give me that.

No way, Costello. It's Abbott. And I'm going to get that money, Mr. Bumper.

Oh, no, you won't. Oh, yes, I am. Oh, no, you won't. You better learn my thing

right here and now. Excuse me. Excuse me. Could you bring it up a bit? Some of

the customers missed a few words.

Why ain't you in the kitchen? Because.

We've got a problem with Jose.

Oh, good, good. I'm glad that kind of a problem come up. I want to show this

wise guy something. Now, this is something that you pink pushes don't

understand. The key to this business, see, is the price it'll touch.

It's showing a genuine human interest for the meanness that works for you.

That wetback is looking for more money.

No, this is a new twist.

Now, is this everything here?

No, I set aside some documents for you over there in the paint can.

There's a letter from the federal government outlining all the tax breaks

that Mr. Regan is going to give us better class of people.

You'll find they have a whole new schedule of deprecations.

This is incredible.

You cashed that check?

You told me to, boss.

Since when do you ever listen to me?

What are you trying to do, Jose? Rule me? What's the problem now? Nothing.

Archie accidentally added a zero to Jose's check and he cashed it. He cashed

it. $1,300.

$1,300 there.

Don't look at me like I'm a dummy. It's all a fault that I checked my machine my

partner brung in here.

All right, Jose, you're going to have to take back all of this stuff and get me

my dough.

I don't know if I can return the clothes.

I mean, maybe I can cancel the waterbed, but no way can I give back the custom

hubcaps. Why not?

Well, the guy that sold them to me, he moves around a lot.

From now on, everybody will be paid through me, including you.

Hold it there, hotshot.

I'm the owner of this place. I don't own the salary.

I can't argue with that. But if I'm going to save this place, I need to get

your complete cooperation.

Do you know what you're going to get?

The gate.

Costello, you are true.

That suits me fine. I'll get my things.

All right.

Arch, you're making a mistake.

He's a bright young guy. He's just trying to help you. Listen, I ain't

gonna get pushed around by no punk kids.

Now, why don't you get back into your kitchen there and take the count of

Monte Crisco with you.

And that pink tray of government junk was this third and final notice from the

Department of Taxation and Finance.

So what?

So you haven't paid your sales taxes for the last six months.

That's all right. You can stall them guys another six months with appeals.

Your time is through.

Within the week, the sheriff will be here to board the place up.

Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it. Don't rush off there, Roberts.

You finally got my name right.

Why wouldn't I know your name, my boy? I know you.

Now, now, listen. You can't run out in the street every time you hear the sound

of my voice, you know. Yeah, yeah, I mean, you'll never get all your work

done. Hey, we got a lot of work to do. You know what I mean? Listen, I'll do it

your way. Make it lighter. You pay all the bills, sign all the checks. You

know, do all the ordering, just like my partner does. I'll throw in a free lunch

while you're working here. Your choice of beverages.

See, Courtney?

What's he?

Hey, I want to give a good report on you to Rabinowitz.

All right, all right, all right.

Just don't expect me to spend too much time here.

Why should you spend more time here than you need?

Hi, Archie. I'm ready to go to work. How do I look?

Oh, well, yes.

Terrific.

This here is my niece, Barbara Lee Cecile. Billy.

Roger. Hi. Do you work here, too? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yous both work here.

But you work in there, and he works in there.

Eh? So say bye-bye, course, and never the train shall meet. What? What? What?

There's something on your mind?

Yeah. What?

The dent in my car.

You see this here?

I don't know if I like this.

You've seen all this before.

That's what I'm complaining about.

This here is a regular day by Jew.