Original subtitles

He's coming.

It's Uncle Archie.

I'm home.

Hi!

Give me a chance to get in my chair. My hat now.

I phoned and you weren't there.

We're having company.

Oh, no, we ain't having no company. You tell Amy Bloom not till Saturday night.

It's not Amy Bloom.

Guess who's coming to visit? I just guessed nobody.

Billy. Hey, I told you, no boyfriends till you're 21.

What? 19.

It's not a boyfriend.

It's not even a boy.

It's Billy Bunker.

Who? Billy Bunker. What is a Billy Bunker?

She's your brother's daughter, which makes her my first cousin. Hold it a

minute, will you?

My brother Fred's daughter was named after...

His grandmother, also mine.

And her name was Barbara Lee Cecile.

Well, there's a nickname.

Remember last year's Christmas card? No, I don't read Christmas cards. Christmas

gives me the blues.

I'm setting another place. She'll be here any minute.

When does it all happen here?

Show him the telegram.

Why does she open my telegram?

Because I couldn't get it away from her in time.

I'm going to read this thing here. I can't read this thing here.

You mean that kid's coming up here from Pennsylvania?

No, Baltimore.

I'll make a liar out of me over Baltimore, will you?

It's on the borders of Pennsylvania, ain't it? I'll fix this up.

Arriving New York, 6 p.m. Who are you calling?

I'm calling my brother Fred here.

Let him know his daughter ran away from home.

She wouldn't run away to a relative's house.

It's probably a vacation.

Ah, the only people who take vacations in New York is A-Rabs and Chops.

Everybody comes to New York to see the Empire State Building and the Statue of

Liberty. Rockefeller Center, Chinatown, the Metropolitan Museum. Americans don't

care nothing about them things.

I've been living here all my life. I've never seen them things and I never

missed them.

Just bring him here.

Although he's probably out on the town, you know, with his teenage wife.

Will you take his fight scene? It'll be so much fun.

No, no, no. I can't take his nowhere. Mrs. Cammie, could you please get the

meal on the table? We're waiting for Billy.

If Billy is anything like relatives, the world over. The minute the chow is on

the table, she'll be breaking down the door.

I give it about 40 rings, I guess nothing, huh?

You better be nice to her when she gets here. Don't be telling me that.

I don't know why people is always telling me that.

I'm nice to everybody.

I can't wait till she gets here.

Well, you won't have long to wait. Here's the chicken.

You know, sometimes my power scares me.

I'll get that. I'll get that. I'll get that. I'll get that.

Billy?

Yeah, hi.

Hi, I'm Stephanie.

Hi, Archie.

Remember me?

No. Well, I mean, yeah, yeah.

Are you going to let her in? Yeah, I'm going to let her in. Come on, yeah,

sure. Thank you.

Boy, what a ride in from the airport.

I had this cab driver who couldn't speak English and didn't know his way around.

Well, that's normal nowadays.

I'm not sure, but I think he asked me out on a date.

Oh, my God.

Listen, kid, I want to ask you about your father. Be nice.

I'm Ellen Canby, your uncle's housekeeper.

Oh, yes, this here is Ellen Canby, your uncle's housekeeper.

Welcome to New York. Oh, thank you.

I can't believe I'm here. Let me take your coat. Yeah, take your coat.

I'll take this little bag and put it over here. Shut the door.

Oh, my God, you got another one.

Yeah.

Well,

I'm sorry I didn't recognize you at the door, but, you know, since I last seen

you, I mean, you grew a lot.

Oh, no, I haven't gotten any taller since I was 12.

Well, I wasn't thinking of taller so much.

We've been just starting dinner. I'll bet you're hungry.

Oh, I'm starving. I didn't eat on the plane. Well, relatives always say that.

Oh, sit down, sit down. Here, right here. See, I set another place for you.

Well, well, well, well.

Listen,

I gotta be honest with you, you know.

There ain't unfortunately no...

Guest rooms in this house, we only got an attic up there.

And the last visiting relative who stayed in that attic was a certain

Cousin Oscar. He croaked up there.

So how long are you staying?

A week, like my dad said.

Your dad said?

You mean your father knows you're here?

Well, of course.

He didn't call you and ask you if I could stay?

Honey, I ain't spoke to your old man in over two years.

You didn't know that I was coming? No.

Not until we got the telegram.

Oh, my gosh, I'm so embarrassed.

Look, I can go stay in a hotel.

Yeah. Well, I mean, I'd be real poised.

Look, she can stay here in my room.

Already cleaned out three drawers and made up the rollaway.

Oh, well, I don't want to be any trouble.

Oh, no, no, not at all. It'll be fun.

Like having a slumber party every night.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you sure that your father

ain't back there dragging the Delaware water gap for your dead body?

He knows where I am.

Then why didn't he phone me?

I guess he forgot to call because he's so excited. He's on his honeymoon.

Still?

Can he stop that after two years?

You know, my brother married a teenager.

Oh, no, he's not married to Catherine anymore. He's got a new wife, Cindy.

Oh, Cindy.

Another young one, huh?

Oh, no, this time he decided to marry an older woman. Oh, an older one.

That's a nice change.

How old?

She says 24, but she's at least 26.

Makes you feel like a mummy, doesn't it?

Uncle Archie's going to take a psych team.

No, no, no. I can't take time off from work until my cook, Veronica, comes back

from her vacation, you know. And I got to keep my eye on the second cook, Jose,

because he cooks funny. He's from Nicaruga.

And he puts onions and chili peppers in a corned beef and cabbage.

Sounds good.

Well, maybe to your people, Mrs. Canby.

Well, my custom is they ain't too keen on interracial cooking.

Oh, that's okay. I'm not too keen on sightseeing. Oh, what do you care? Hey,

you see one Empire State Bill and you've seen them all.

It's just one Spanish special.

Pupusas.

Why don't we stop that singing?

I don't want none of them here. What do you call pupusas there on the menu?

That's all.

You don't know what's good. In my country, we eat it all the time.

Maybe that's why in your country you're so full of wind.

You're just lucky that I don't understand what you're saying to me.

But you got your orders, remember.

No poopsies is to leave this here kitchen.

Take it easy, Jose.

Veronica will be back tomorrow and Archie can yell at her.

Would you tell me why he's trying to shove Mexican stuff on us? He ain't even

Mexican. What's the difference?

I cook chop suey and I ain't Jewish.

Just do me a favor. Stick to good old American dishes. I like Hungarian

goulash.

See, I like Jose's cooking.

Oh, would you?

You would like anything that didn't wiggle on your plate.

Where's Veronica coming back so soon? Maybe she ain't getting along with her

relatives. That's it. Now that she's off the booze, she ain't got nothing in

common with them.

I love Jose's cooking.

Between the onions and the chili peppers, I almost got my sack back.

Hi,

Archie. Oh, what a pleasant surprise there, Barbara Lee.

Billy. Yeah, whatever.

Come on in, come on in.

Hey, meet some of my friends.

Right here is Barney.

Hi, Billy.

The end of the bar, Mr. Van Rensselaer.

Hello, Billy.

Hi. This is the best bartender in Queens, Harvey Snowball.

Snowden. This is my brother Fred's daughter. Do I have to call you that?

Please. Yeah, Billy.

This is a really nice place.

Are you hungry? Can we give you some lunch?

Oh, no, I've already eaten.

But how do you get to Times Square?

Times Square?

Oh, hey, you don't want to go in there.

Times Square, that's full of privates and degenerates. And jobs and

apartments.

Oh, hey, oh, that's the last place in New York that a visitor wants to go to,

you see, because nowadays the place is full of depravos. You got muggers there,

you got police snatchers, you got boys dressed like girls, you got girls with

guns and tattoos.

Wait, wait, what did you say, jobs and apartments?

Oh, I'm going to live here in New York.

Oh, hold it, hold it.

You're only supposed to be visiting here for a week.

With you. Just until I get my own apartment and a job.

I think New York's terrific.

So do I.

New York, New York.

It's a wonderful town.

The brunch is up and the battery's down. Will you stop singing, huh?

Come over here. Come over here. Sit down in this chair.

Listen, honey. No, no, no. You can't stay here in New York.

Why not? New York, it ain't for people.

There are plenty of people living here.

You, for instance. Oh, no, no, you can't count me. I was born here. I didn't know

no better.

But you, you gotta go back to Baltimore, where you belong.

I'm going to Manhattan to find an apartment.

You couldn't afford a closet in Manhattan.

I've got money.

Six hundred dollars.

Oh, gee, six hundred dollars. That'll barely get you through a month.

I'm going to get a job.

And if you won't give me directions, I'll have to ask somebody else. You're

going to stay here with me where I can keep my eye on you.

Sorry, but I'm not.

You sit back down here.

I'm going to look for an apartment.

All right, all right, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, all right.

If you're bound to go in there to Manhattan, then I'm going in there with

you. Now, all right, Harry, take care of the Janks. I can go by myself. I know

you can go by yourself. You want to see New York? I'll show it to you. You want

to see the Big Apple? I'll show you. It's full of wines. Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Sing your heart out, Barney.

Now, look at them dangerous guys over there.

Don't look.

They're gang members.

You know where they're going?

To meet up with some other gang.

And they all get together, and they have one of them we call rumbas.

They're amazing.

You take one look at people, and you know all about their lives.

It's just New York streets.

I'll be honey. That's all it is. I'll tell you what we do.

You know, over at Times Square, I'm going to take you up there. I'm going to

show you some of the sights. I'm going to buy you a nice lunch. Oh, no. I've

already had lunch.

All right. Then I'll buy you a nice big Carvel cone.

Huh?

Then we go home, you have supper, you go to bed.

First thing in the morning, back to Bolton.

That's where you're going.

You know what else I'm going to do? What?

Get away from you.

Hey, she's a little old.

Who's this?

I, uh, think you'd better leave her alone, mister.

Why don't you guys mind your own business? Hey, this is our business.

How is it your business?

Here's how, baby.

We're the good Samaritans.

Protectors of the people. Oh, my God.

And there's the door closing now.

They really wanted to protect the girl who should have got off the train when

she got off there. Now she's all alone wandering around New York.

I'm glad I seen you guys, because I want to give you my opinion.

I think you all ought to go back to crime.

There is no witness to do it.

How can you cops tell me you're out on the streets fighting crime?

You're sitting on your butt there in the station. I was talking to me on the

telephone.

Now, let me ask you this. He hung up on me.

What did the police say, Arch?

They ain't even gonna start looking for her till she's missing 24 hours.

Do you know how many ways a person can get killed in 24 hours?

Three?

Four?

You know, Barney, there's times I can strangle you.

Hey, that's fine.

What are you going to do there, Arch? Why don't you go?

Why am I going to go home to face the kid Mrs.

Canby? God, what am I going to tell him?

Yeah, and what are you going to tell your brother, the dead girl's father?

Oh!

Fill your mouth with these, will you, Vaughn? Oh, Arch and Harry, it's all

right. He's right.

Why am I going to tell my brother Fred, who never liked me anyway?

That I got in a fight with his daughter? That she'd run away from me off the

subway out into nowhere and God knows what happened? I mean, that ain't gonna

bring the two of us very close, is it?

Sounds like she was more scared of you than New York.

Whatever happens, the truth is best.

Ah, no, no. I beg to disagree, Mr. Van. Now, the truth is really best.

Maybe on your deathbed, you know, but for everyday living.

It don't work.

You know that guy that's been killing all those girls?

It's a good thing they caught him.

They ought to keep that maniac in forever.

They let him out yesterday.

Oh, God.

Not enough evidence.

Can't we talk about something else?

Yeah. These bills.

Something else.

They ought to be paid, Arch. Can you put them on my desk?

There ain't no room on your desk. Can't we talk about it tomorrow?

That's what you said three weeks ago.

I've got to get out of here.

Those guys are aggravating me.

Hey, Arch, you going home?

Yeah, do you mind?

Yeah, well, all this talk about killing people could unnerve a person.

Would you like me to walk you home?

No. Would you like to walk me home?

Why are you not telling me home, Arch? I don't know. I'll think of something, Mr.

Bernhardt.

Mrs. Cammie?

I'm here.

Oh, you are.

Yeah, here I am.

In that case, can I leave?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. Go ahead, go ahead. Okay, good night.

Oh, I'd better warn you.

Stephanie is very upset with you. How does she know what I've done?

Well, I mean, why?

Uncle Archie, is that you?

No.

Good luck.

I've got to talk to you. It's about Billy.

Yeah, well, I want to talk to you about Billy, so sit down in the chair there.

What happened? Let me talk first, will you? Let me talk first.

To begin with, see, I didn't want to go into the city on the subway. That was

her idea. She forced me to do that, see? So I took her in there.

Then as soon as we got onto the train, I don't know what happened, but she

suddenly got scared of something, you know?

And the door's open, and she'd run off the train. The door's closed, the train

went on, and now I don't know where she is.

She's in the bedroom.

Maybe.

Billy!

She's here.

Hi.

Now, what are you doing here all in one piece?

You know, the police are very mad for what you've done.

What did I do? You made me call them up and report you missing.

But I'm here.

You could have turned a corner and then woke up and found yourself dead.

But I didn't. But this is a very tough city.

Very expensive, too.

What did you buy?

No, I went looking for an apartment.

Oh, oh, well, you see, you see? I was right, huh? You see?

I have to admit you were. Yes, I was. I was right. And I'm right about

everything else I told you, too.

Now, New York is no place for a very young and very single girl.

So, when are you leaving?

Tomorrow morning.

Good. Don't let her go.

Hey, will you stay out of this? Home and Broadway was the best place for her.

Oh, I'm not going home.

I'm going to a hotel.

A hotel where?

Well, I found a perfect place right off 42nd Street for $12 a night.

Well, of course, towels and sheets are extra.

So is the shotgun you're going to need to hold off the cat burglars and the

roaches.

Well, I'll only be there about a month until I can move into my apartment.

You got an apartment?

Yeah. They're probably one she's renting with five other people.

And they're not all girls.

Who the hell are these people here? I thought you didn't know nobody in New

York. Well, I don't. I answered an ad in the village voice.

Well, when are you going to move into this apartment?

As soon as the dwarf gets work.

Did she say, as soon as the dwarf gets work?

George, you can't let her leave.

I can't let her leave if she's going to move into a joint like that.

Well, I can take care of myself.

Besides, it's all I can afford right now.

here. And Uncle Archie will give you a job at the bar. You can save some money.

You want to live in a gross place.

Besides,

I don't want you to leave. Just a minute, please.

I got a lot of problems down at the bar there.

You told me you need another waitress down there.

Yes, but still... I don't know if I want to be a waitress.

Sure you do. You'll make lots of money, get big tips.

Say it's okay, Uncle Archie, please.

Well, I know how you hate company.

Well, you're not company.

Family.

Isn't she?

But you're not company.

You're family.

Well, I tell you what we better do then.

You stay over tonight.

And then... We'll talk about it tomorrow.

We'll talk about it tomorrow.

Okay. Okay.

Did you ever see any pictures of my mother?

No.

Well, you look something like her.

Well, as long as you're family.

Don't just sit there.

Jump up and get me a beer.

Stuart, you want a glass? No, I can't. It's straight from the can.

Thanks.

Oh, don't be all over me now. I know what this is all about. It's because you

got what you want.

You got somebody to play with you.

Here you go.

Hey, thanks a lot, kiddo.

I should be thanking you.

Thank you.

Uh, think nothing of it.

What I wanted to ask you, one of my friends at school said I should wear my

hair parted on the side.

Now, do you think that that would look... Yeah, yeah, leave your hair

alone, will you? Leave it the way it is. That's the way I like it. Don't be

talking. Now, go on up to bed, both of you.

Come on, Stephanie, help me unpack.

Yeah, go on, go on, do something. Good night. Good night, good night, good

night. You know, my Uncle Archie still thinks I'm a baby.

Now, you'll be able to take me shopping.

Yeah, I wonder if I can get Saturday's off.

Listen, if you're gonna billet anybody else with me, huh?

You made a boy.

I know they don't look nice, but at least they can carry out big garbage

cans.