Original subtitles

Hey, kiddo, I'm home.

Hi.

Hi there.

Here's your beer.

Oh, okay. Well, put it on the table over there.

And TV guide open to Wednesday night.

Oh, thank you very much.

And here's your cigar.

Thank you very much.

You know, I get the feeling I'm being set up for something here.

Well, you ain't going to sell me no more of that peanut bristle for the school

band.

I'm just happy to see you home.

Oh, yeah?

Right?

I want to tell you right away, I'm very familiar with all kinds of feminine

woolies.

Dinner's ready.

Dinner's ready. Good. Good, and I'm starved.

Well, hey, whoop-dee-do. Look what we got here.

Wow. Hey, Swedish meatballs and candied yams and ham and a whole dish of jello

with the little pizzas floating around.

Jeez, that's all my favorite foods here. I know. We wanted to make dinner a

special event.

Yeah, this is a snow job.

Yeah. You two done something wrong around here today. What is this?

Can't you let people be nice to you without immediately thinking something's

wrong? No.

And nobody's going to touch a bite of this meal till I find out what you two

Manny Harris has done.

You'd better tell him. Come on, give, give.

I want to join the girls' club.

Oh, that, well, no.

No, no, I told you before. I ain't going to let you join the girls' club while

they're meeting in that youth center up there.

There was meeting in the church?

I'm Jewish.

Okay, the temple then.

And the temple's even better. Of course, they got that old rabbi over there who

keeps patrolling around to make sure he's praying and nothing else.

Them Jews know what they're doing. Pass the ham.

Why don't you like the youth center?

All youth centers is dangerous.

Why?

Because they're full of youths.

And you know what youths are today? Nothing but up-and-coming bums.

Don't get touchy about it. I ain't saying that they're all black dead.

There's some of them Puerto Rican.

And there's one or two of my own kind. God knows.

I've seen that place. It's well supervised and it's safe.

Now, come on. Case closed.

Please let me try.

Now, listen, you ain't going to get away with that no more, so you might as well

give it up. Don't be giving me the goo-goo eyes at the table.

I'll leave the table.

All right, stop, stop, stop.

I can't stand it when girls start to skulk.

All right, join the girls' club.

Thank you.

Have some meatballs.

Give me the meatballs. Oh, there's just one other thing.

Hold the meatball.

There are some activities that all the parents have to take part in. Now, next,

next, none of that I don't do activities.

It's just things like bake sales and car washes.

Oh, bake sales and car washes.

Will you do it?

No.

You won't take part. She can't join.

What is the matter with you? Don't you know I'm a busy man? I'm working seven

or eight days a week.

Please. No, no, and that's final. Give me the meatballs.

What if I take your place at Stephanie's club?

You'd be willing to go out with her and wash some white guy's car for nothing?

Of course I would.

You'd do that for me?

No, I'd do that for her.

Then can I join?

Well, if Mrs. Canby here is willing to go out and do all that nut stuff with

you, yeah, sure, Jane.

You're the greatest.

Give me the meatballs.

Please, just give me one more thing for my supper, huh?

Anything.

Silence. Complete silence.

I don't want to hear no more talk about nothing at this table.

So what else was going on around here today?

Well, you know, like General Custer said when he looked all around.

nothing's easy.

But I thought you and Mrs. Camby were getting along so well.

Well, I never said I wasn't. I just mean to say that, you know, when you're the

top man in the household, you gotta tell everybody everything.

What do you mean?

Well, you know, she had her way. The kid would probably be around the house all

day or inside or something.

So I said to her this morning, Ellen, I said, I call her Ellen to make her feel

like a regular person.

I says, Ellen, you know, up at the school, they got a very nice youth

center up there.

And in that youth center, they got a girls' club. So why don't you take

little what-he-called up to the school there and put him into that girls' club?

Of course, they got a lot of lovely activities going on.

Like what?

Oh, well, they got bake sales there, you know. And then they go out and they wash

the neighbors' cars.

And, you know, lovely little services to the public.

I came to show Mrs. Camby the bar. Oh.

We just signed up for the girls' club. Oh, well, come on over here and sit

down. Have a seat, please, there. Harry, give the kid a soft drink, huh?

Yeah. Well, so you took my suggestion. You signed her up for the girls' club,

there, huh? Don't say nothing more about it.

And then you come in to take a look at our little bar and grill, huh?

What do you think?

Oh, it's very nice.

Not at all what I expected.

Oh, hey, I know what you expected.

You expect to walk in here and hear a lot of loud music and noise and drunks

roaming around and waitresses with next to nothing on?

Hey, that's not a bad idea, huh?

This here is Barney Hefner.

That's our neighbor who won't keep his dog from, excuse me, defamating all over

our lawn.

Rusty was born free, Mrs. Campbell.

Mrs. Candy signed us up for the museum trip and the bake sale. Turn over. And

we're going to contribute to the old clothes collection.

Hey, that sounds great. You can throw in your whole wardrobe.

Shut up.

We'll be joined just in time for the best thing of all, the spring camping

trip. The first meeting to learn about it is tomorrow night. Oh, isn't that

wonderful? Well, like I always say, there's nothing more beautiful than a

grown child.

Then the camp and shit. Yes. I knew you'd enjoy it.

Huh?

Well, a parent has to accompany each child.

No, no, wait a minute. Wait a minute. That ain't the deal. You said you were

going to handle all of this.

This was the one activity that was for fathers and daughters only.

Oh, listen, Arch, I survived one of those trips with my daughter, Beverly.

About 200 of us went up to Bear Mountain.

Sure, you'll enjoy it, Arch. Except for the mosquitoes and the bears.

Oh, no, no, no. I can't have nothing to do with nothing like that.

Now, you better run right back up to the girls' club and sign me right off of

that campus.

We can't discuss it here. We gotta discuss it. We'll talk about it when you

get home. Wait a minute. Come on, Stephanie. Now, wait a minute. Wait, I

can't go on no camping trip with mosquitoes and bears.

Without no plumbing?

And without no plumbing there.

And there they go.

What are you looking at, Murray?

Archie Bunker, father of the year.

Fooey. All right.

Fooey of the year.

a little serious talk.

All right.

I don't like having nothing put over on me, you know.

I just thought you wouldn't go on the trip unless somebody gave you a little

push.

Geez, with all the things you've got to push around here, for instance, mobs and

brooms and vacuum cleaners, why do you have to push me too?

Stephanie will be the only one in her class who isn't going.

And if you can't make one little sacrifice and go on one little camping

trip and make her happy, then I think you're a pretty lousy parent.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute now. Where the hell do you come off saying a thing

like that to me?

Let me tell you something. In the first place, I ain't her parent.

And I never asked to be her parent. And I don't want to be her parent.

You know that kid was dumped on me.

Don't you love her?

Why the hell do women have to drag love into every

argument?

That's where love belongs, in every argument.

Gee, I got a right to think about myself, ain't I?

Well, I should think about myself, too.

Sure you should.

Oh, well, what do you mean by that?

I do things that I don't like for her sake.

Like what?

Like working for you.

If you can't do one little thing that you don't like to do, why should I go on

doing one big thing that I don't want to do?

Wait a minute. You ain't telling me.

Excuse me.

Wait a minute. You ain't telling me.

You're thinking about quitting this job, are you?

That is entirely up to you.

That tent stinks.

What are you talking about? Stinks how?

It's like hard-boiled eggs and Swiss cheese wrapped up in sweat socks.

If it's anything at all, buddy, it's the stench of war.

Hey, I want to tell you something.

Manning's the night I spent when I was over in Folger, Italy, in that little

pup tent.

You must have been thinner then.

Well, the whole world was thinner then.

I remember laying in there, you know, with Marshall Kessel rings, mortar

shells whistling overhead in the night, and me drinking a big jug of take over

it.

I hate them with the taste.

You know, you miss war.

Why can't I smell nothing?

Can't smell when your mouth's open.

Every one of them items there is going to be very useful come spring.

Ah, you see now.

Aren't you glad you decided to go on that father-daughter camping trip, huh?

Huh? Murray, Murray, listen. You've got to do me a favor, Murray. Murray,

Murray. Please, play down the father-daughter stuff.

It's nothing. It's nothing. Nothing at all. Come on, let's get going here.

Murray's here to give us a ride. Come on, let's get out of here. The sooner we

get started, the sooner we'll get back. And we'll see you when we get back, huh?

What is that smell?

Ain't that funny? I can't smell nothing.

Okay.

Hi, I'm Diane Peachin, and I'd like to welcome you all here.

Tonight, we're going to go over what you need to know for the spring trip. And if

you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask.

Yeah, I got a question here.

My name is Archie Bunker. This here is my little niece.

Stephanie. Stephanie there.

When are we going to meet the counselor?

I am the counselor.

No, I mean the guy that's running the whole camp trip.

I'm the guy that's running the whole camping trip.

Oh, excuse you, me.

How's a girl like that going to run a camping trip?

Why not?

She's too young. She don't know nothing. She wouldn't know a boy from a bee.

Now, first thing we'll be doing at our campsite is putting up our tents.

Excuse me. Excuse me if you don't mind, sis.

That ain't the first thing you do there. See, I'm a veteran of WW2.

Most years was in diapers around that time.

I got to tell you, when you first get to your camping site, what you got to do is

post your guards, you know, and then dig your latrines.

Especially after a long trip on a bus with kids, you know what I mean? What's

a latrine?

I think it's a place you were stationed in newly.

The campsite where we're going is very safe, and it has washroom facilities.

Oh.

Well, you know, just there. Oh, but thank you, Mr. Bunker. Oh, this is

nothing. Yes.

Now, if you would all look over here, these nylon aluminum-based tents are the

ones I'd like you all to bring if possible. These are better insulated and

much easier to assemble than the old canvas tents. Uh, excuse me, but wrong

against this.

I beg your pardon.

Well, uh, I gotta tell you, there ain't no better tent in the world than your

old Army GI issue.

Pump tent, huh?

I mean, that is the tent that won the war.

That's the tent that was used by General Y.J. Eisenhower and myself.

Mr. Bunker, I don't mean to insult the old tent.

Just that if it rains, they get mildewed and smell like old sweat socks.

Yeah, but it's that smell that keeps away your wild animals.

Can't you stop me?

I don't think so.

Uncle Archie. Here.

Please stop making suggestions.

I'm only trying to help the child. She needs some help, too. Don't be cool

about me.

Now, about sleeping bags. Be sure and bring the kind that are well-lined,

because it's pretty cold.

And I'm going to write on the board a couple of names.

Yes, Mr. Bunker.

I've got to interrupt.

When you say sleeping bags there, that puts me in mind of the coal.

When I think of the coal, I think of where I was stationed over there in 4G

Italy, fighting for all your many full freedoms there.

Well, we found that the leaves off of the trees had many, many useful uses. We

don't have to go into all of them.

But when the coal got what you call violent, we would shove them leaves into

our underwear.

How gross.

Come on, Arch, you're putting us on.

I ain't putting nobody on, and I ain't even talking to you, Blum. At least it'd

give you a rash.

Only your Sicilian ukuleles.

And by the way, Bonzo was a classic.

Mr. Bunker, may I speak to you for a minute?

Yeah, certainly, certainly, sis.

Anytime you want a little extra information, just pull me aside like

this.

I appreciate the fact that you and Eisenhower fought the war for our

freedom. Oh, don't mention it.

This is a weekend camping trip, not the Battle of the Bulge.

I'm only trying to give you the verse of experience here. I know that, Mr.

Bunker. And if we receive any reports of Nazi stormtroopers lurking in the

Catskills, I'll put you in charge of gathering leaves and digging latrines.

Something tells me that, I mean, am I being asked to shut up?

Yeah.

Leave him aside, these dummies over here. Is that what you want?

Oh, it is.

Well, you got it.

You got it. I'll shut up.

Not only would I shut up, but I'll get out of here, too, and I'll take my kid

with me.

Or as the Joymans used to say when they seen us coming there, Auf Wiedersehen.

I'd like you to take out your checklist.

What do you mean, wait?

Why do you want to wait?

It's going to be a lousy trip.

You don't want to go on a lousy trip, do you?

It won't be a lousy trip.

As long as we're together.

I don't care if we go camping on the subway as long as I'm with you.

Get in there.

Now, I want to tell you something about the day, what to expect.

I'll just interrupt once more to say that we're back.

So go on with what you were saying there. Just make believe we ain't here.

Good night, Mr. Bloom.

Thanks for the ride.

Don't be all nice saying good night now. Yeah, good night.

Well, how did the meeting go?

Oh, it lasted.

practicing putting up tents, and Uncle Archie's had Amy bloom to her father.

We can talk about this here tomorrow.

You better go up and get ready for bed. Okay.

Good night, Mrs. Gamby. Good night, dear.

Thanks again.

Well, she certainly seems happy about all of this here, huh?

Yes, she does.

She was having the best time of the world there, you know.

Pulled around.

I'm kidding around with all her little pals there.

Amy and Dippy and Dopey or whatever the hell they are.

I might even manage to have a good time on the trip myself.

Good.

Yeah, maybe it don't do no harm to do one or two things with her.

Well, I guess I'll be going.

Good night.

I just don't want to lean on the father thing.

You don't have to lean on that. I don't want to lean on that.

You know what I'm saying.

Young, old, there are no guarantees.

It's not the amount of time you have to give, it's how you give it.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'd love a cup of tea. I'll make you a cup of tea.

Good night there, kiddo.