Original subtitles

Hey, Harry, wash these champagne glasses good. They've been in the back room a

long time. Yeah, that's right. The last time we had anything good to celebrate

was when Nixon got in.

Better wash them twice.

Oh, yeah, Mr.

Big Liberal. Don't be knocking Richard E. Nixon.

Huh? He's here in New York now, and he's going to be your next governor.

Harry,

will you hurry up?

Veronica's going to come out any second. Spoiler, surprise.

What are you doing here?

I'm putting candles in Veronica's cake.

If you put on a candle for every year of her life, you're going to set off the

smoke alarm.

Oh, this idiot.

Well, she ain't as old as you.

Well, she ain't as old as you neither.

All I'm trying to say is that women get older young, you know?

I mean, you never have a woman at 60 become a mother.

Guys can become a father at 70, 80, 90. I read in the paper one old guy become a

father at 126.

I'm not that. The National Enquirer. Oh, that one. Yes, yes.

The only paper nowadays you can be lying on.

This guy's a farmer. She's down in Kansas.

And one of them on that day, the five were flying out. He just landed in the

middle of one of those fields there.

And a co-pilot got out and gave him a bottle or something to, you know,

rejuverate him.

Did you eat or drink?

No. Sat on a bottle.

Rub on where needed. If you find my name.

flowers. Who sent these flowers?

There's a note there. Yeah, there's a note there.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey.

People who don't seal up their letters gotta take their chances.

It broke my heart when his honor

the judge split us apart.

But for all my life, you'll always be my wife.

Happy birthday.

And love, sweetheart.

You're a tiger.

Who the hell is a tiger?

Well, whoever he is, he ain't no Henry Woodward Longfellow.

I know who that is. That's the ex-husband, Carmine.

Carmine. Ain't Carmine the one that fired shots at her underwear on the

clothesline?

No, no. Carmine was tough, but he wasn't the prey.

What has Carmine done?

He shoved her out the window.

Happy birthday to

you. Happy birthday to you.

I think we could see it in your eyes.

That's some flowers, Veronica. Oh, Murray, you shouldn't have.

Oh, it's nothing.

We didn't send you them. Them's some of your wrecks.

Carmine. What, do you got another wrecks?

Yeah, I had Morris. He died just before I married Carmine.

Did Carmine shove him out a window?

No.

Morris ate a dozen ices.

And Eleven was beard.

I'll do it as quick as any window.

Breathe if it's short.

Yes, that's Carmine, all right.

Tell the truth, Veronica.

Was Carmine really a tiger?

You read my notes. Ain't nothing sacred.

No, I didn't. Arch read it.

Let's see the flowers.

They are a dozen long-stemmed roses.

Red ones.

Right on the nose.

He must still be sweet on you.

Carmine? He sent these because he's out of cash.

Next, the phone will ring with him asking me to telegraph him a hundred.

Holy cow.

Hello. Carmine?

It's for Jose.

What the hell does Carmine want with Jose?

It's not Carmine. It's a dame.

I don't understand this.

Who is it?

Sounds like Chiquita Banana.

That's the Lord of... I bet if Carmine called, you'd still send him the

hundreds.

Never again, Barney. And I want you to know it makes me feel good not caring.

Yeah, pour me a bit of the bubbly, Arch.

Hey, Veronica.

He's looking at you, kid.

Who was that, Barney? Henry Fonda? No.

Who the hell was it? Cagney or who? Hey,

I've got to make a wish.

Okay, head back. Close your eyes.

Okay.

You blew out my candles.

So what? I made the wish for you.

So what is your wish?

I wish that you go in the kitchen and get ice cream to go with the cake.

How long does it take you to make a date?

I got to get her brother to come.

You want her brother on your date?

Well, he's got the jumper cables.

See, these people, they have a whole other way of living.

Oh, geez. Whoever that is, tell them we're closed up for the night. What do

these people think we do? Stay open 24 hours a day, huh? Get out of here!

Sorry, friend, we're closed for the night.

I'm not a customer. I'm looking for someone.

Uh-oh.

If that's a process, you tell them Barney Hepnes went to Cincinnati.

And if he's from immigration, tell him that Jose Perez went back to Nicaragua.

Whoever you're looking for, they went someplace else.

Looking for Veronica Rooney.

Well, tell them she ain't here neither.

Wait a minute, March. We don't know who the man is.

By any chance, would you be Carmine?

Yeah. I'm Carmine.

Hey, welcome.

How are you? Nice to see you.

She's in the kitchen.

Is that the tiger?

She read you my note.

Not exactly. He read me your note.

Well, they left your note open, Carmine.

She said you might call up, but you wasn't expected to show up.

Well, I wanted to surprise her for her birthday.

Yeah. How old is she, anyway?

She never told me.

This is a nice, cozy place.

Yeah, we like it. I passed by here today.

Busy.

You got to be paying a cook pretty good, huh?

Are you Archie Bunker?

No, I'm Murray Kleiner.

I'm Archie Bunker over here.

Partners? Mm-hmm.

Not for two, huh?

Carmine, not to be in hospital or nothing, but to tell you the truth, you

ain't wanted around here, you know? Everybody's scared of you.

Has she been badmouthing me around here? Yeah.

Bet she told you I was a terrible heel.

Ah, she didn't say that.

Yeah, but I think she would if the phone hadn't run.

Hey, give me a break, guys. I just want to wish her a happy birthday.

Okay, I'll tell you here.

Murray, Murray, is this going to be good for us?

Murray, is this going to be... He never listens to me.

Veronica, Murray's coming in there to tell you something.

It's going to be a shock.

Well, Veronica, brace yourself.

Your tiger is out there purring.

I heard.

You want me to get rid of him?

No, Murray.

I'll get rid of him. It's the only way.

Don't upset him. You know, any guy who pushes people out the windows... Murray,

trust me.

I'll handle him with kid gloves.

Okay.

You can go in.

Hey, I can't wait to see her.

Well, you ain't waiting.

Listen, is this good for us? Are we going to lose a call?

I don't think it's safe letting him go in there. That ain't what I'm talking

about. Will you two stop worrying? She told me she's going to handle him with

kid gloves.

That could be good for us.

She's handling the whole kitchen with kid gloves.

But will she do that for all our Delftware?

We can always get another set of Delftware.

Besides, it sounds like the storm is over.

Maybe she killed them.

run off at my

Not here. The kitchen embarrasses me.

I'm Italian.

What's the matter with the kitchen?

It's like the pots are watching us.

What are they doing now?

They finally put on the kid gloves.

Things are looking pretty good for them, huh?

Good for them.

service. I can get that at home.

Where's my omelet? Take it easy, Hank.

Maury's calling Veronica.

She'll be back soon.

A lot of good that'll do me now.

Can't you relax out there, huh, Hank?

Ain't you ever heard the old expression, patience is a version?

All I want is a lousy omelet.

You'll get me.

Pick up the lousy omelet.

She doesn't answer.

Hate to say it, fellas. but I think we're going to have to find another

cook. That ain't going to be easy.

Except for me, good help is hard to find.

And I hate to admit it, but I think he's right there.

No, nowadays, half the country's on welfare. The other half is right in the

subway's picking pockets.

What's left is one of a president.

Hey, Murray, do you really think that Veronica would leave without giving you

some kind of notice?

Oh, yes. If she's in love, I'm afraid she would.

Well, then I'm not going to eat here anymore.

Jeez, Barney, your loyalty is touching.

Yeah, I'm alive, buddy.

Don't be long, sweetheart.

20 minutes tops.

Get a load of Samson and DeLulu.

Don't hate me, guys, for taking this wonderful lady away.

taking me to Atlantic City for a wild, wonderful, wicked week.

Ah, swell.

You know, we're down a lot of Delftware over you, too.

Ah, Carmine's good for it.

Yeah. And now you're running off to Atlantic City, huh? Well, what about us?

He only invited me.

You know, I hope for your sake that you've reserved a room with no windows.

Veronica, who's going to cook?

I don't have any place to eat.

Pawnee, how old are you?

Fifty. You've eaten enough.

Monica, I don't like to butt into anybody's private life, but I don't

think you ought to go with that guy.

What?

Go. Be happy.

Oh, you've got guts.

I knew you'd understand, Maurice.

I tell you, last night was so wonderful.

I heard soft music and bells.

She sounds like the two of them was in the back of a good human truck.

What?

Nothing, nothing.

You got guts, too.

Veronica, let me get this straight.

You're going away for a week, and then you're going to come right back here and

work for us, right?

Wrong, Murray.

After Atlantic City, we are driving straight to Florida and happy ever

after. With whose money?

Carmine's.

He's going to do what he always promised himself he was going to do ever since he

was a kid.

What's that?

Get a job.

You mean you're saying goodbye to us forever?

That's it, Murray.

Oh, Veronica.

Oh, Murray, Murray, I'm going to miss you.

Going to miss all of you guys.

Bonnie and Hank and Harry. Ah, cut the banana root.

gonna miss none of us. You're only thinking about yourself.

Well, why shouldn't I look out for number one for a change, huh?

This could be my last shot at ecstasy.

With Carmine, we love each another.

Love, huh?

Let me tell you something. I think that guy Carmine is a very cold-blooded gent.

Well, he likes the back of a good humor truck.

What good humor truck?

She heard bells.

Well, all right, Veronica, go ahead. You want to go?

Go.

For my part, I ain't got nothing more to say.

Well, I think the least you could do would be to offer me a drink while I'm

waiting for Carmine to pick me up.

Oh, do you hear this, huh?

She wants a free drink over here. She's leaving us in the lights.

Ah, come on, Arch. You can afford to be a sport.

Oh, don't give me that be a sport stuff.

There.

How long is it going to take Carmine to get here for you?

Fifteen minutes.

Fifteen minutes. You know how much he can put away in that time?

No more than a fifth.

Hey, hey, not from there.

From there.

time, 1.35 p.m. And Carmine was supposed to be here at 10.30 a.m. Yeah, well

over a fifth ago.

Don't be paying attention to me. Drink your drink.

We ought to see her home. She's got an outside chance of walking. Will you do

that, Murray? Why does she like you?

Maria. Maria.

My mother named me after St. Veronica.

Well, it's a beautiful name.

She said it would help keep me pure.

Oh, well, now, come on, come on. I guess she didn't figure on Carmine, did she?

Oh, no.

Carmine, why'd she die?

You mean... No, he didn't.

It was unknown.

A lingering thing.

We thought she'd never go.

God rest her soul.

Thank you.

I bet our car broke down.

What car?

The car.

Carmine went to buy. So we could drive to Avrio.

Now,

where did he get the money?

From the $1,400 I loaned him.

I should have done that, huh?

Why did I let him do that to me, Marty?

No, Veronica.

I am.

You're not stupid. I'm stupid.

You are not stupid. Stupid.

I'm with her. She's stupid.

And now he's driving off to Florida in my $1,400 car.

No, but look on the bright side. Maybe he'd have an accident in it.

Veronica, I think you have to figure that maybe you and Carmine don't have...

Any future together.

Yes, yes, Murray is right. Your future's here with us, with people who want you

and love you.

Oh, Murray,

I see.

Let her cry.

What, when they stop crying, they throw up?

What happened?

Carmine.

Carmine, he broke her heart once again.

Siempre vuelvo al primer amor.

Very nice.

I mean the same thing.

To always return to your first love.

Why don't you return to the kitchen?

Off we go. Off we go, Murray.

Yes, you got my back. All right, come on now. Yes, I'm coming. I'm going to take

you home.

I'm going home. Wash the chair.

Here you go. Come on. Okay, bunker. This is au revoir.

but not goodbye, huh?

Right, au revoir, but hello.

Yeah, I will see you tomorrow more.

I'll see you tomorrow.

You know, there is one thing that I have to hold on to.

Carmine could have gone to any woman for that $1,400.

But he comes straight to me.

I guess that tells you something, huh?

She is stupid.

This,

huh?

Now, this is why I'm so scared.

of the Equal Rights Command.

you