Original subtitles

[ CHEERING, WHISTLING, AND APPLAUSE ]

Downloaded from HQCINEMAS.COM

♪♪

Official HQCINEMAS movies site: HQCINEMAS.COM

♪♪

♪♪

-TONIGHT, THE PICKLEBALL REVOLUTION WILL BE TELEVISED

AS 16 OF THE WORLD'S MOST POPULAR ENTERTAINERS:

JIMMIE ALLEN, MURRAY BARTLETT,

DIERKS BENTLEY, JAIME CAMIL,

WILL FERRELL, MAX GREENFIELD,

LUIS GUZMAN, PHIL KEOGHAN,

DANIEL DAE KIM, SUGAR RAY LEONARD,

TIG NOTARO, JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL,

KELLY ROWLAND, PAUL SCHEER,

AISHA TYLER, AND EMMA WATSON

WILL GO HEAD TO HEAD, TOE TO TOE AND PADDLE TO PADDLE.

STEPHEN COLBERT AND "FUNNY OR DIE"

PRESENT "PICKLED," A PICKLEBALL TOURNAMENT FOR COMIC RELIEF.

AND NOW YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

-HELLO, EVERYBODY. I'M STEPHEN COLBERT

AND WELCOME TO "PICKLED."

WE'RE HERE AT SHERWOOD COUNTRY CLUB

IN BEAUTIFUL THOUSAND OAKS, CALIFORNIA,

A CITY WHERE THEY COUNT THEIR TREES.

TODAY, WE HAVE A FRONT ROW SEAT

TO A CELEBRITY PICKLEBALL TOURNAMENT UNLIKE ANY OTHER.

MOSTLY BECAUSE THERE HAVEN'T BEEN ANY OTHERS.

WE'VE GOT STARS OF THE SILVER SCREEN,

MUSIC, AND TELEVISION -- ICONS ALL.

BUT THEY'VE ALL PUT ASIDE THEIR BUSY SCHEDULE

OF INSTAGRAM BEEFS AND GAINING MUSCLE TO PORTRAY SUPERHEROES

TO PLAY PICKLEBALL TONIGHT.

THEY'RE PLAYING FOR PRIDE, FOR HONOR,

AND FOR THE RIGHT TO HOIST THE COVETED COLBERT CUP.

♪♪

NOW, SOME OF YOU MAY BE THINKING,

STEVE, WHAT IS PICKLEBALL?

WELL, IMAGINE TENNIS AND BADMINTON

WERE IN A LOVING, COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP,

BUT IT HAD BEEN A FEW YEARS AND THE SPARK WAS GONE.

SO THEY DECIDED TO INVITE PING-PONG

INTO THE MIX ONE NIGHT.

IT WAS BADMINTON'S IDEA, AND TENNIS WAS LIKE,

"OKAY, IF IT MAKES YOU HAPPY,

I JUST HOPE THIS DOESN'T GET WEIRD."

BUT WEIRD GET IT DID.

AND NINE MONTHS LATER, THEY HAD A BEAUTIFUL,

BOUNCING BABY SPORT WITH A SMALLER COURT,

A WIFFLE BALL AND WOODEN PADDLES.

TONIGHT, I'VE GOT A BIRD'S-EYE VIEW OF THE ACTION

FROM MY LUXURIOUS PERGOLA.

BUT CLOSER TO THE ACTION AND DEFINITELY FURTHER AWAY

FROM THE AIR CONDITIONING ARE TODAY'S "PICKLED" COMMENTATORS,

LEGENDARY SPORTS ANALYST BILL RAFTERY

AND OUR VERY OWN CHAMPION, CARI CHAMPION.

THEY'RE HERE TO GIVE YOU THE PLAY BY PLAY OF

HOW WE'LL PLAY TODAY. BILL, CARI?

-THANKS, STEVE.

FOR STARTERS, THE PICKLEBALL COURT

IS SMALLER THAN A TENNIS COURT, JUST 44 FEET BY 20 FEET.

EACH SIDE IS DIVIDED INTO THREE ZONES,

TWO SERVICE COURTS AND AN ON VOLLEY ZONE CALLED THE KITCHEN.

EACH POINT BEGINS WITH AN UNDERHAND

SERVE TO THE OPPOSING CORNER,

WHICH MUST CLEAR THE NET AND THE KITCHEN.

-THEN BOTH TEAMS MUST LET THE BALL BOUNCE IN THEIR COURT

BEFORE RETURNING IT FOR A VOLLEY.

BUT BE CAREFUL: NO IN-THE-AIR VOLLEYS

CAN BE HIT WHILE STANDING IN THE KITCHEN.

EACH TEAM MEMBER WILL SERVE

BEFORE THE SERVE MOVES ON TO THE OTHER TEAM.

NOW, KEEP IN MIND, POINTS ARE SCORED ONLY BY THE SERVING TEAM.

A POINT IS WON BY EITHER HITTING A WINNER

OR THE OPPOSING TEAM HITS THE NET,

A SHOT OUTSIDE THE LINE, OR IF THE BALL BOUNCES TWICE.

THE TEAM WHO FIRST GETS TO 11 POINTS WINS THE GAME.

THINGS ARE GOING TO GET HEATED

AS WE WATCH WINNERS MOVE ON AND LOSERS MOVE OUT

IN TODAY'S BRACKET STYLE DOUBLES TOURNAMENT.

ALSO, EACH TEAM WILL BE ALLOTTED ONE TIMEOUT

FOR WHATEVER THEY MAY NEED:

HYDRATION, CALLS TO A PUBLICIST,

OR A CHANCE TO UNWIND AND RECHARGE

WITH A REFRESHINGLY COLD AND CRUNCHY CLAUSSEN PICKLE.

-A MOMENT THEY'LL SURELY WANT TO RELISH. STEVE?

-NOW LET'S SAY HI TO OUR SIDELINE REPORTER,

THE HARDEST WORKING MEMBER OF OUR "PICKLED" CREW,

STRANDED OUT THERE ALL ALONE IN THE BLAZING CALIFORNIA SUN,

MY DEAR FRIEND AND SoulCycle EMERGENCY CONTACT

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS.

WHAT'S HAPPENING BEHIND THE SCENES,

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS? -OH, GOSH,

I'VE SEEN ALL KINDS OF THINGS.

EMMA WATSON IS GETTING IN THE ZONE.

SUGAR RAY LEONARD STRETCHING

THOSE GOLD-MEDAL-WINNING LIGAMENTS.

WILL FERRELL IS AGGRESSIVELY HYDRATING,

JUST TAKING THOSE ELECTROLYTES STRAIGHT TO HIS FACE.

-I GOT DOWN THE WRONG PIPE.

-HE REALLY WANTS THIS, STEVE.

-THANK YOU, MY FRIEND. -STEVE, CAN I GET A DRINK?

-I SAID THANK YOU, MY FRIEND.

BUT BEFORE WE GET TO OUR FIRST MATCH,

THE REASON WE'RE ALL HERE IS TO SUPPORT COMIC RELIEF.

AND WE WOULD LOVE YOU TO GO TO COMICRELIEF.ORG

AND DONATE DURING THE SHOW

BECAUSE ALL THE MONEY YOU GIVE WILL GO TOWARD KEEPING KIDS

AND FAMILIES SAFE HERE IN THE U.S. AND AROUND THE WORLD,

WHETHER THAT'S KIDS WHO NEED A PLACE TO CALL HOME

OR KIDS IN DANGER WHEN DISASTER HITS.

JUST USE THE PHONE THAT IS PROBABLY ALREADY IN YOUR HAND

AND GO TO COMICRELIEF.ORG AND GIVE.

-AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

PLEASE RISE FOR THE SINGING OF OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM.

OUR HOST, TRIPLE THREAT STEPHEN COLBERT,

WILL BE ACCOMPANIED BY GRAMMY AWARD WINNING

SINGER AND SONGWRITER,

A CITIZEN OF BOTH THE DANGER ZONE

AND POOH CORNER,

MR. KENNY LOGGINS.

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

-♪ OH, SAY, CAN YOU SEE

♪ BY THE DAWN'S EARLY LIGHT

♪ WHAT SO PROUDLY WE HAILED

♪ AT THE TWILIGHT'S LAST GLEAMING ♪

♪ WHOSE BROAD STRIPES AND BRIGHT STARS ♪

♪ THROUGH THE PERILOUS FIGHT

♪ O'ER THE RAMPARTS WE WATCHED

♪ WERE SO GALLANT STREAMING

♪ AND ROCKETS' RED GLARE

♪ THE BOMBS BURSTING IN AIR ♪

♪ GAVE PROOF THROUGH THE NIGHT ♪

♪ THAT OUR FLAG WAS STILL THERE ♪

♪ OH, SAY, DOES THAT STAR SPANGLED BANNER ♪

♪ YET WAVE

♪ O'ER THE LAND OF THE FREE

♪ AND THE HOME

♪ OF THE BRAVE

[ APPLAUSE ]

-PICKLEBALL!

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

-OKAY, AMERICA, ARE YOU READY FOR SOME PICKLEBALL?

CARI, TELL US ABOUT OUR FIRST MATCH UP.

-SHE'S AN ACTRESS, GRAMMY AWARD WINNING RECORDING ARTIST,

SAY HER NAME, SAY HER NAME,

IT'S KELLY ROWLAND!

HE WON AN EMMY FOR GETTING USED AND ABUSED

BY THE GUEST OF A LUXURY RESORT ON HBO'S "THE WHITE LOTUS,"

NOW HE'S GOING TO FACE THE BACKHANDS OF A NEW CROP

OF GLAMOROUS ECCENTRICS, IT'S MURRAY BARTLETT!

LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR DINK FLOYD!

ORIGINALLY FROM MISSISSIPPI,

SHE'S AN EMMY AND GRAMMY NOMINATED ACTOR,

WRITER AND STAND UP COMEDIAN

WHO RECENTLY JOINED THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE.

IT'S TIG NOTARO!

THIS 6'3" COMEDIC GENIUS

STARS WITH A 6'2" RYAN REYNOLDS

AND THE NEW MOVIE "SPIRITED."

IN IT'S WILL FERRELL!

TOGETHER, THEY ARE PARTY TIL YOU CUKE.

-I AM VERY EXCITED.

-I AM VERY HOT -- AND EXCITED TOO.

-YOU KNOW WHY WE'RE FEELING GOOD?

IT'S CURRENTLY 94 DEGREES HERE AT THOUSAND OAKS.

IT FEELS LIKE 107.

-FEELS LIKE THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN INDOORS.

-ON MY WEATHER APP, IT ALSO SAID THREAT OF COYOTE ATTACK.

SO THAT WOULD BE A WORST CASE,

IF A BAND OF COYOTES CAME

AND ATTACKED EVERYONE AS THEY WATCHED PICKLEBALL.

-WE'RE MOMENTS AWAY FROM THE FIRST-EVER POINT

AT THE FIRST-EVER CELEBRITY PICKLEBALL TOURNAMENT.

HISTORY IN THE MAKING.

KELLY ROWLAND, MURRAY BARTLETT,

TIG NOTARO, WILL FERRELL.

THE ENERGY HERE IS AS ELECTRIC AS THEIR CARS.

LET'S GO TO CENTER COURT.

-THIS IS ABOUT CELEBRITY. THIS IS ALL ABOUT CELEBRITY.

-WILL FERRELL ABOUT TO FACE HIS ACHILLES HEEL,

HIS ACHILLES TENDON.

-THANKS, EVERYBODY. THANKS FOR COMING OUT.

THANKS, YOU GUYS. THANK YOU.

-HERE WE GO.

WILL FERRELL SERVING TO KELLY ROWLAND.

WE'RE UNDERWAY.

-SERVICE IS GOOD -- OH, BUT KELLY MISSES.

-A SMOKER.

-BILL, I'M CHALKING THAT UP TO THE PRESSURE

OF PLAYING THE VERY FIRST MATCH.

SHE IS THEKELLY ROWLAND, SO...

-102.

-AND IT'S FERRELL TO BARTLETT, TO NOTARO,

BACK TO BARTLETT.

TIG TO KELLY.

AND THAT ONE'S OUT.

-WILL AND TIG OFF TO A QUICK TWO POINT LEAD.

-TIG, THAT'S A LOT OF POWER IN A LITTLE PACKAGE.

-2 -- 0-2. -FERRELL DROPS IT IN.

NOW, LOOK AT WILL AT THE KITCHEN LINE.

-OH! -IT'S JUST TOO MUCH, FOLKS,

FOR BARTLETT TO RETURN! -GET OVER THERE.

-ALRIGHT. -COMING UP TO THAT KITCHEN LINE

PUTS A LITTLE PRESSURE ON THE OPPONENT.

-GOT IT. -THAT WAS OUT.

-THAT WAS OUT.

-LOOK AT THIS, WILL FERRELL CALLING HIS TEAMMATE'S BALL OUT.

SEEMS TO BE SOME CONFUSION.

WELL, THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE INSTALLED THE LINE CAM.

AND HE'S RIGHT.

TREMENDOUS VISION AND INTEGRITY FROM WILL FERRELL.

-ALRIGHT. 0-3-1.

-GOT IT.

-WAY TO GO, WILL.

-LOOK AT THIS.

-OH!

-HE'S IN THE ATTACK MODE.

-FERRELL DID NOT COME TO PLAY.

HE CAME TO PLAY.

-HE'S LEAVING IT ALL OUT THERE, STEVE.

-I HOPE HE'S STILL GOT SOME LEFT FOR THE NEXT ROUND

BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING GOOD FOR PARTY TIL YOU CUKE.

-ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! SILENCE IT OUT OVER THERE!

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

-YOU RECOGNIZE THOSE TROUSERS ON WILL FERRELL, STEVE?

-THEY ARE FROM THE MOVIE "SEMI-PRO."

-FOOT FAULT.

-I DIDN'T SEE IT. -LOOK -- WELL, SENSE IT.

-WE SHOULDN'T HAVE A KITCHEN ON THE COURT.

-SO MUCH PASSION, SO MUCH EMOTION,

NOT A LOT OF UNDERSTANDING OF THE RULES.

JOIN US AFTER THE BREAK FOR THE EPIC CONCLUSION

OF THE FIRST QUARTERFINAL MATCH.

AND THEN AISHA TYLER AND JAIME CAMIL

SQUARE OFF AGAINST THE MERRY DUO OF

JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL AND PAUL SCHEER.

...WILL CONTINUE.

THIS IS CBS.

♪♪

-WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY, TO "PICKLED."

OUR FIRST QUARTERFINAL MATCH HAS BEEN FULL OF DASHES,

SMASHES, AND NO DOUBT A FEW RASHES.

THERE IS A DECENT CHANCE OF CHAFING OUT THERE.

LET'S GET BACK TO THE ACTION.

SCORE'S 5-4, WILL FERRELL AND TIG NOTARO

CLINGING TO A ONE-POINT ADVANTAGE

OVER KELLY ROWLAND AND MURRAY BARTLETT.

FERRELL SERVING.

-GOT IT.

-A NIFTY LITTLE WINNER FROM NOTARO --

OH, AND THEN A RACKET POINT!

SHE'S PUTTING ROWLAND AND BARTLETT ON NOTICE.

LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK AT THAT, BILL.

HERE'S THE WINNER.

AND HERE'S THE POINT.

-ROWLAND, FAMOUSLY POLITE.

I WOULDN'T SAY SHE'S RATTLED, BUT DEFINITELY OFFENDED.

SHE MIGHT FORGIVE, BUT THERE WILL BE NO FORGETTING.

-OKAY. -6-4 IN FAVOR OF

FERRELL AND NOTARO.

-THAT WAS CUTE.

-OH, KELLY. -POINT.

-THAT WAS A NICE RETURN.

-NOW YOU'RE STARTING TO WAKE UP. -7-4, MOMENTUM WITH

FERRELL AND NOTARO -- BUT LOOK AT THIS!

ROWLAND NOT ROLLING OVER -- A SALUTE, A SHIMMY.

-OKAY. -FERRELL CLEARLY TAKING NOTICE

OF THE CHILD OF DESTINY. OOH. BUT THE FOOTWORK,

NOT FANCY ENOUGH FOR THE RETURN.

-YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE ALL THAT [BLEEP], DID YOU PLAN THAT?

-NOPE!

-OKAY, HERE WE GO. 8-4, TWO.

-A NICE LITTLE RALLY DEVELOPING.

TIG COMING UP TO THE LINE.

AND, OOH, UNFORCED ERROR.

SERVICE GOING BACK TO ROWLAND AND BARTLETT.

-DON'T WORRY, GUYS. SWEATSHIRTS WILL BE COMING OUT SOON.

-FERRELL PANDERING TO THE CROWD, CARI.

WHAT A SMART MOVE.

-ANOTHER GREAT RALLY HERE. -I GOT IT.

-I GOT IT. -GOT IT?

-POINT!

-ANOTHER UNFORCED ERROR BY NOTARO.

-UNFORCED ERROR, OF COURSE,

ONE OF THE BEST STEVEN SEAGAL FILMS.

HE'S A FORMER NAVY SEAL TURNED TENNIS PRO

WHO HAS TO SIMULTANEOUSLY SAVE AND WIN WIMBLEDON.

STREAMING ON PARAMOUNT PLUS.

-NICE.

-OOH, LOOK AT THIS RALLY. IN THE KITCHEN!

RIGHT IN. STAY WITH IT, KELLY. COME ON!

-OH! NICE!

-ROWLAND SHOWING SOME EMOTION THERE,

THROWING THE BALL DIRECTLY AT TIG'S BACK.

BUT THERE'S THAT WINNING SMILE.

IS IT ENOUGH TO WIN THIS MATCH? WE'LL SOON FIND OUT.

BUT OVER ON THE PRACTICE COURT, JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL

IS RUNNING HER HUSBAND, PAUL SCHEER, AROUND THE COURT.

RAPHAEL SERVING SOME SERIOUS LOOKS THERE.

MEANWHILE, JAIME CAMIL AND AISHA TYLER

ARE GETTING DIALED IN. -[BLEEP]

-OH, CURSING A BLUE STREAK, BUT LOOKING GREAT DOING IT.

THE WINNER OF THEIR MATCH WILL FACE OFF

AGAINST THE WINNER OF THE MATCH CURRENTLY ON CENTER COURT.

MURRAY BARTLETT IS SERVING, DOWN 6-9.

-POINT. -DON'T DO THAT.

-DON'T -- DON'T DO THAT.

-YEAH, DON'T DO THAT. -I TRIPPED -- I SLIPPED.

DON'T -- BUT DON'T DO WHAT YOU'RE DOING EITHER.

-BUT HE SHOULDN'T BE DOING THAT.

-YES!

-ANOTHER GREAT RALLY. WHO WILL IT BE?

-THE MAGIC OF PICKLEBALL!

-FERRELL IS LOVING IT.

OH! -LOOK AT MURRAY WITH A SPIN!

-OH, BUT HITS IT OUT. ROWLAND WITH A TWIRL.

GOT TO WONDER IF FARRELL'S LOVE FOR THE GAME DISTRACTED HIM.

LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK.

[ SLOW-MOTION ] -THE MAGIC OF PICKLEBALL!

-YEAH, HE'S LOVING IT SO MUCH,

HE JUST WATCHED THAT POINT GET AWAY FROM HIM.

COSTLY. -I DON'T MEAN THIS

IN A MEAN WAY, BUT THAT POINT WAS YOUR FAULT.

-BARTLETT IS NOW SERVING TO TIE IT UP.

-GOT IT. -YEP.

-YEAH. -DOWN THE LINE.

BUT, OOH, WAS IT IN?

-LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE LINE CAM.

YEP. THE JAR DOES NOT LIE.

DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO. THAT WAS IT.

-OUT. -IT WAS TOO MUCH FOR ROWLAND.

SERVE GOING BACK TO NOTARO AND FERRELL.

-GREAT, GREAT. -YOU READY?

-HERE WE GO.

NICE.

-YOU GOT IT? -GOT IT.

-WE GOT SOME NICE PLAY HERE.

-AND A SLAM FROM BARTLETT.

BUT NOTARY RECOVERS. AND AGAIN, BUT --

-OOH! -SORRY, I'M SORRY.

-WHAT WAS THAT? -RIGHT INTO THE PICKLES

OF BELOVED ICON WILL FERRELL, CARI.

-LET'S TAKE A CLOSER LOOK. WOW. TOUGH TO SEE.

AND -- UH-OH, LOOKS LIKE FERRELL'S

A LITTLE ANGRY THERE. YOU DON'T WANT THAT.

COULD BE TROUBLE FOR MURRAY AND KELLY.

-DON'T APOLOGIZE. DO NOT APOLOGIZE.

-OKAY. -SORRY.

-NO, I KNOW -- NOW I KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW.

-WHAT ARE YOU DOING? -NOW I KNOW.

-ALRIGHT. -I'VE GOT SOME ISSUES.

-HE SEEMS NICE UNTIL YOU GET HIM ON THE COURT.

-OH, MURRAY -- TECH MODE.

-SECOND SERVER.

-9 ALL, FERRELL SERVING.

-FIRST TO 11, WIN BY 2.

WHO WILL IT BE?

-YES!

YOU GOT IT. -AND JUST LIKE THAT,

WE'RE AT MATCH POINT.

-10-9, TWO.

-FERRELL SERVING.

-IF IT WASN'T FOR THE SCREAM, YOU COULD HEAR A PIN DROP.

-A NICE DIG FROM WILL.

-DEEP TO THE BASELINE.

BUT BARTLETT IS THERE WITH THE CROSS-COURT BACKHAND.

NOTARO -- -OH!

-AND THAT'S IT. NOTARO AND FERRELL WIN IT.

-WE WON. -WE WON.

I'M GLAD THAT -- STILL HAVE NO IDEA.

-THAT IS APPARENTLY NEWS TO NOTARO.

COMPLETELY UNAWARE OF THE SCORE, BUT STILL COMING OUT ON TOP.

-WHAT A MATCH TO KICK IT OFF.

THE EXCITING, GUT-WRENCHING PICKLEBALL PLAY.

-KELLY ROWLAND AND MURRAY BARTLETT MOVE OUT.

WILL FERRELL AND TIG MOVE ON TO THE SEMIS.

THEY'RE IN THE OOFOS RECOVERY LOUNGE

WITH JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS.

-THANK YOU, CARI, I'M HERE WITH THIS INCREDIBLE TEAM.

THEY PUT US THROUGH THE WRINGER IN THIS MATCH.

I'M TELLING YOU, ELECTRIFYING PICKLEBALL.

THOSE TWO WORDS HAVE NEVER BEEN PUT TOGETHER.

TIG, WHAT WAS GOING ON OUT THERE?

-WELL, BASICALLY WHAT WE DID WAS WE GOT IN THERE,

WE JUST PLAYED OUR BEST. WE JUST STAY FOCUSED.

-WONDERFULLY SAID, TIG. I'VE HEARD THAT BEFORE.

BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU, WILL?

ARE YOU, UH -- ARE YOU A BETTER PICKLEBALL PLAYER

THAN WHEN YOU STARTED AFTER THAT MATCH?

-I THINK MOST DEFINITELY.

AND I'M MOST PROUD OF MY PARTNER, TIG,

BECAUSE NO ONE -- NO ONE IN THE STADIUM --

-THANKS, WILL. -NO ONE WITHIN 100 MILES' RADIUS

OF THIS -- OF THIS PLACE. THOUGHT SHE COULD DO IT.

-THANKS, WILL. -AND SHE DID IT.

-JUST LIKE I SAID, I JUST GOT IN THERE.

JUST STAY FOCUSED AND JUST, YOU KNOW,

KEPT MY EYE ON THE BALL.

-THAT'S A -- IT WAS BEAUTIFULLY SAID.

-JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

-YES, SIR. -I'VE GOT A QUESTION FOR WILL.

WILL, YOU'RE ALL HEART WHEN YOU'RE OUT THERE.

YOU PUT IT ALL OUT ON YOUR SLEEVE.

WHAT OTHER ORGANS WERE YOU TODAY?

-I WAS A LITTLE BIT, UH, I WAS A LITTLE BIT GALLBLADDER,

A LITTLE BIT KIDNEY.

I WAS A LITTLE BIT COCCYX, WHICH IS...

WHICH IS NOT AN ORGAN.

-I DO NOT BELIEVE WE CAN SAY COCCYX --

-WELL -- -ON CBS.

-WE'RE GOING TO SAY IT.

THIS IS WHY THIS IS A REVOLUTIONARY SHOW FOR CBS.

-THANK YOU, GUYS. HEY, EVERYBODY,

I'M HERE WITH MURRAY AND KELLY.

THEY JUST CAME OFF A HEARTBREAK OF A LOSS.

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING

ABOUT HOW YOU PLAYED TODAY,

WOULD IT BE EVERYTHING?

-NO.

-WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE IF YOU COULD?

-THOSE TWO POINTS I LET... [ LAUGHS ]

-YOU GOT ANGRY, THE EMOTIONS GOT THE BEST OF YOU OUT THERE.

TALK TO ME ABOUT THAT MOMENT, LET'S ROLL THAT TAPE.

LET'S ROLL THAT TAPE BACK AND TAKE A LOOK AT --

SO, THERE YOU ARE. YOU THREW A BALL AT TIG

WHEN HER BACK WAS TURNED.

-BUT I SAW YOU, YOU KNOW, PURPOSEFULLY AIM IT NOT AT TIG.

-NO, I AIMED IT AT TIG. -OH, OKAY.

ALRIGHT. I WAS TRYING TO SAVE YOU THERE.

-NO, IT'S ALRIGHT. I THINK SHE KNEW.

-WHAT DID YOUR OPPONENTS HAVE THAT YOU DIDN'T?

OTHER THAN MORE POINTS AT THE END.

-SKILL. -SKILL?

WE'RE GIVING EVERYBODY HERE WHO PLAYS AND LOSES

AN OPPORTUNITY TO DO A MONOLOGUE

SO THEY CAN BE SUBMITTED FOR OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT

AS A GUEST PERFORMER IN A LIVE SPECIAL.

MURRAY BARTLETT IS NOW GOING FOR HIS LAST CHANCE EMMY

WITH A DRAMATIC MONOLOGUE.

AND LIKE ALL THE BEST MONOLOGUES,

IT'S IN THE PROMPTER.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MURRAY BARTLETT IN

"SCREW YOU, DAD."

-44 CENTS -- THAT'S HOW MUCH A POSTCARD STAMP IS.

44 CENTS, DAD.

EVERY DAY I WOULD RUN TO THAT DANG MAILBOX

AS FAST AS I COULD.

NOTHING COULD STOP ME,

NOT EVEN THAT HOT AUSTRALIAN SUN.

I KEPT THINKING MAYBE THERE'D BE A POSTCARD FROM DAD,

FROM SOME FANCY PLACE --

HONG KONG, SAUSALITO,

THE MOON.

BUT THERE NEVER WAS.

SCREW YOU, DAD.

THERE WAS NEVER ANY MAIL AT ALL!

COME TO THINK OF IT,

THAT MIGHT NOT HAVE EVEN BEEN A MAILBOX.

THERE MIGHT HAVE BEEN A BIRDHOUSE.

IT WOULD EXPLAIN ALL THE EGGS.

OH, SHOOT.

I'M SORRY.

SORRY, DAD, I OVERREACTED.

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

-ONE MATCH DOWN, FARRELL AND NOTARO

MOVE ON TO THE SEMIFINALS.

UP NEXT, DYNAMIC DUO JAIME CAMIL AND AISHA TYLER

WILL FACE OFF AGAINST MARRIED DUO

JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL AND PAUL SCHEER.

DEFEAT, DIVORCE, "DA" CHAMPIONSHIP --

IT'S ALL ON THE TABLE WHEN "PICKLED" RETURNS.

"PICKLED" WILL CONTINUE.

♪♪

-AND NOW YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

-HOW LONG TILL WE'RE BACK IN?

HELLO! WELCOME TO "PICKLED," I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.

WELCOME BACK TO THE ACTION.

FOLKS, WHILE I MAY BE THE HOST OF TONIGHT'S SHOW,

IT TAKES A LOT OF PEOPLE TO PUT THIS TOGETHER.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE TO YOU

A VERY SPECIAL MEMBER OF THE "PICKLED" FAMILY,

OUR BELOVED MASCOT, HALF-SOUR HARVEY.

HOW ARE YOU DOING, HARV?

MOST MASCOTS ARE HAPPY-GO-LUCKY,

JUMPING UP AND DOWN, PUMPING UP THE CROWD.

BUT, TRUTH BE TOLD, HARVEY IS GOING THROUGH SOME STUFF

AT THE MOMENT -- IT'S PRETTY MUCH PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE

THAT HARVEY'S WIFE, JANET,

HAS MADE THEIR TEMPORARY SEPARATION

MORE OF A PERMANENT SITUATION.

SHE SIGNED A LEASE.

SHE'S GONE ON TWO DATES WITH A ZUCCHINI.

IT'S... IT'S A MESS.

HARVEY, WHEN YOU'RE READY TO TALK,

WE'RE READY TO LISTEN.

NOW LET'S GET READY TO PICKLE.

CARI, BILL, CAN YOU TELL US A LITTLE BIT MORE

ABOUT THE MATCH WE'RE ABOUT TO SEE?

-YOU KNOW HER FROM "GRACE AND FRANKIE,"

AND YOU KNOW HIM FROM "BLACK MONDAY."

TOGETHER, THEY PRODUCE TV SHOWS, PODCASTS, AND EVEN CHILDREN.

BUT CAN THEY PRODUCE PICKLEBALL POINTS?

IT'S JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL AND PAUL SCHEER,

A.K.A. THE PADDLE-SNAKES!

-YOU KNOW HIM FROM HIS WORK ON "JANE THE VIRGIN"

AND NETFLIX'S "EL REY."

HE'S HOPING TO BE THE REYOF THE SPORT --

IT'S JAIME CAMIL!

SHE'S FAMOUS FOR ROLES IN "GHOST WHISPERER,"

"CRIMINAL MINDS," AND "ARCHER" --

TODAY, SHE JUST MIGHT BE A DEEP WHISPERER --

IT'S AISHA TYLER!

TOGETHER THEY ARE TAKE THIS LOB AND SHOVE IT.

-AISHA AND JAIME'S RELATIONSHIP

MAY NOT BE AS LONG AS PAUL AND JUNE'S,

BUT THE SAME CANNOT BE SAID OF THEIR ARMS,

WITH A COMBINATION WINGSPAN OF OVER 150 INCHES.

THAT'S EQUIVALENT TO A MINI COOPER CONVERTIBLE.

IT'S A FUN RIDE.

I'D GO ON, BUT THEY ARE NOT A SPONSOR TONIGHT --

UNLIKE OOFOS. -SPEAKING OF OOFOS, STEVE,

LET'S GO DOWN TO THE OOFOS RECOVERY LOUNGE.

THAT'S WHERE OUR PLAYERS WILL HAVE A CHANCE TO RECHARGE

AFTER THEIR MATCHES AND FEEL THE OOH OF THOSE OOFOS.

IT'S ALSO WHERE OUR SIDELINE REPORTER,

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS, IS STANDING BY.

JOHN MICHAEL, TALK TO ME ABOUT THE VIBE DOWN THERE.

WELL, THANKS, CARI, I'M HERE IN THE OOFOS RECOVERY LOUNGE,

AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU,

THEY'VE REALLY OUTDONE THEMSELVES.

I MEAN, THIS IS REALLY NICE IN HERE --

AT FIRST GLANCE, IT MIGHT JUST SEEM LIKE A TENT,

BUT IF THIS IS A TENT, THIS IS, LIKE, THE NICEST TENT

I HAVE EVER BEEN.

AND I'M REALLY LOVING THIS LOUNGE

BECAUSE IT'S A HOT DAY;

THEY HAVE OOFOS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE IN HERE.

DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THE MISTERS THEY PUT UP HERE

BECAUSE MISTER JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS

NEVER MISSES A SCOOP.

AND I WAS ABLE TO CATCH UP WITH OUR PLAYERS

BEFORE THIS MATCH.

LISTEN.

-SO MY STRATEGY IS TO BE SUPER AGGRESSIVE,

TO GET UP TO THE NET

AND TO GO FOR EVERY BALL.

-AND MY STRATEGY IS TO LISTEN TO MY WIFE.

IF SHE TELLS ME TO DO SOMETHING, I'M GOING TO DO IT.

-APPARENTLY, JUNE IS PICKLEBALL AFICIONADO.

AND WHAT I'D LIKE TO SAY TO YOU IS IT'S GOT TO BE WONDERFUL

HAVING THAT MUCH FREE TIME ON YOUR HANDS.

-OOH! -AISHA, JAIME,

WE'RE ABOUT TO BEAT YOUR ASSES.

-SHOULD BE INTERESTING TO WATCH JUNE AND PAUL HERE.

THEY'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 13 YEARS,

SO THEY'LL KNOW EACH OTHER'S STRENGTHS.

BUT EVERY MARRIAGE HAS SOME LINGERING RESENTMENTS

THAT COULD AFFECT GAME PLAY.

-AISHA AND JAIME ARE NOT A MARRIED COUPLE,

BUT THEY ARE LONG TIME FRIENDS.

COULD BE A PRO OR CON.

-UP FIRST WITH THE SERVE, THE PADDLE-SNAKES,

ALSO KNOWN AS THAT MARRIED COUPLE;

0-0, LET IT ALL BEGIN, GUYS.

-OKAY, HERE WE GO. EVERYBODY READY?

0-0, TWO!

-AISHA, THE BALL!

iVAMOS! -iVAMOS!

-iVáMONOS!

-OH. -A FAULT FROM JUNE

TO START THINGS OFF HERE -- THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF TALK,

THOUGH, ABOUT HOW SHE'S A REAL PICKLER.

SHE AND PAUL CONSTRUCTED A PICKLEBALL COURT AT THEIR HOUSE.

SO MAYBE SHE'S FEELING SOME JITTERS.

WE'LL SEE IF SHE CAN PUSH THROUGH.

-AND JUNE POACHING A SLAM FROM HER HUSBAND.

-JUNE WITH ANOTHER SMASH.

-CARI, SHE'S SKIPPING AWAY WITH THE POINT.

BUT WHAT'S THIS, SOME DEBATE HERE?

WAS IT IN OR OUT?

-IT'S HARD TO TELL FROM THIS ANGLE.

OKAY, THAT ANGLE IS NOT DOING US ANY FAVORS EITHER.

-LOOKED REALLY IN TO ME.

-YOU HAVE 1-0, ONE.

-UGH. -POINT.

-IT'S OKAY, BABE. -THAT IS GOING TO

HAUNT PAUL TONIGHT.

-HERE WE GO WITH HIS SERVE. UNDERHAND.

-SERVE UNDERNEATH THE WAIST.

-OH. -POINT.

-OKAY.

-LET'S SNEAK AWAY FROM CENTER COURT

AND CHECK IN WITH OUR NEXT TWO TEAMS

ON THE PRACTICE COURTS.

EMMA WATSON AND SUGAR RAY LEONARD

ARE DINKING AND VIBING.

THEY'RE GOING TO BE ONE TO WATCH.

BUT, FOLKS, KEEP AN EYE ON LUIS GUZMAN.

-AAAAAH! -HE'S FIRED UP.

THIS IS GOING TO BE A SHOWDOWN FOR THE AGES.

-WHILE WE WERE AWAY, TYLER AND CAMIL JUMPED OUT

TO A THREE-POINT LEAD,

AND THE PADDLE-SNAKES ARE TRYING DESPERATELY

TO GET BACK INTO THIS.

JUNE SURVEY, PADDLE-SNAKES DOWN 2-5.

-GOOD ONE!

-ANOTHER SLAM AND ANOTHER JIG FROM RAPHAEL.

-CHANGE HOW QUICKLY.

-I LOVE HER LITTLE DANCE AFTER A SUCCESSFUL THRUST.

-COME ON, AISHA!

-JAIME CAMIL UNDETERRED, STAYING IN THIS ONE, BILL.

-OUT. -POINT.

-IT WAS OUT.

-JUNE, YOUR SERVE.

-OH! -OUT.

POINT. -MUST BE HOT DOWN THERE,

DON'T YOU THINK? -IT'S ACTUALLY --

I'VE BEEN DOWN THERE FOR THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.

IT WAS QUITE COOL AND LOVELY.

-YOUR APPLAUSE WAS WARM AS WELL.

-YOUR VOICE IS AMAZING, STEVE.

-LET'S PAUSE HERE FOR A MOMENT, JUST TALK ABOUT THAT.

-GOOD ONE.

-OUT. POINT.

-WELL-PLAYED.

-LOSING THAT STAMINA -- IT COULD BE THE HEAT.

-UP. -GOOD, AISHA, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

-OUT. -TOO MUCH FROM AISHA.

PANEL-SNAKES POISED TO STRIKE HERE,

NOW UP 7-5.

-UH-OH, AISHA'S FEELING IT, GUYS, SHE'S FEELING IT.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

-KEPT 'EM BACK, THAT'S BEEN PART OF THEIR PROBLEM.

THEY'RE NOT COMING FORWARD ON THIS HIT.

STAYING DEEP.

-UP.

-OH. -OUT, POINT.

-TRIED TO PUT A LITTLE ENGLISH ON THAT LAST ONE.

-OH! -UP.

OOH, LOOK AT THIS, OOH.

-LOOK AT THAT!

JUNE IN IT TO WIN IT.

-LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK. HERE SHE COMES.

RUSHING TO THE KITCHEN LINE, JUMPS FOR THE SLAM.

PROBABLY DIDN'T NEED TO GET AIRBORNE,

BUT IT LOOKS COOL IN SLO-MO,

AND I THINK SHE KNEW THAT IT WOULD.

-PADDLE-SNAKES' FANGS OUT NOW, UP 9-5, JUNE SERVING.

-FIRST TO 11. WHO WILL IT BE?

-OH! -OUT -- POINT.

-FIVE-POINT GAME.

-THIS IS VERY STRESSFUL, YOU GUYS!

-10-5, ONE.

-AND JUST LIKE THAT, WE'RE AT MATCH POINT.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE WHISPERING.

JUNE AND PAUL GUNNING FOR A SPOT IN THE SEMIS

AGAINST WILL FERRELL AND TIG NOTARO.

JUNE SERVING TO JAIME CAMIL.

DOES HE HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A HERO?

AND NEVER MIND, HE HIT THE NET. AND IT'S OVER.

-THE PADDLE-SNAKES, THEY CAME BACK FROM A DEFICIT

TO WIN IT ALL.

- THAT WAS BECAUSE OF YOU! -OH, STOP IT!

-YEAH!

-OH, RUBBING IT IN! -AN AMAZING MATCH,

SORRY TO SEE AISHA AND JAIME GO,

BUT WHAT A GREAT MOMENT FOR JUNE AND PAUL,

FOR THEIR MARRIAGE, FOR THEIR BRAND.

-THEY ARE IN THE OOFOS RECOVERY LOUNGE,

SO LET'S CHECK IN.

-THAT WAS A REALLY IMPRESSIVE WIN.

NOW, YOU COMING FROM WAY BEHIND AND YOU JUST PULLED IT

RIGHT OUT AT THE END. WHAT HAPPENED?

-WELL, WE HAD AN AMAZING SERVER. -YEAH.

-JUNE REALLY LED US TO VICTORY.

SHE NEVER LET THE BALL OUT OF HER SIGHT. SHE'S AMAZING.

-LISTEN, HAS YOUR MARRIAGE

IMPROVED SINCE YOU STARTED THE GAME?

-YOU KNOW, IT DEFINITELY HAS KEPT ME IN LINE.

I THINK IT'S MADE ME A BETTER ATHLETE

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO LET DOWN MY WIFE.

-YEAH, YOU DON'T. -NO. JESUS. OH, MY GOD.

-NO, YOU DON'T WANT TO. -I WILL NOT. I WILL NOT.

I WAS -- I'LL BE OKAY.

-ALRIGHT. THERE IT IS. AND MAYBE YOU CAN BRING

"COMING FROM BEHIND" BACK INTO YOUR MARRIAGE AS WELL.

-JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS, I HAVE A QUESTION.

STEPHEN COLBERT HERE.

-HI, STEPHEN. -CAN YOU GUYS HEAR ME?

-YES. -YES, QUITE WELL.

-YOU LOOK FANTASTIC, FIRST OF ALL --

HOW MUCH DID STYLE PLAY INTO THIS?

-YOU KNOW, FOR ME, STYLE IS OVER EVERYTHING.

NOT MANY PEOPLE PLAY IN A SWEATER IN 110 DEGREE HEAT.

BUT, YOU KNOW, IT ACTUALLY IMPROVES MY GAME

BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I'M SWIMMING

AND PLAYING PICKLEBALL AT THE SAME TIME.

-LET'S FOLLOW THAT THOUGHT, PAUL, WHERE IS MOST OF

THE SWEAT PUDDLING? -OH, IT'S PUDDLING IN PLACES

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HAD PUDDLE ABILITY.

-NOOKS AND CRANNIES. -SO BASICALLY YOU'RE SAYING

THAT YOUR NETHER REGIONS ARE LIKE AN ENGLISH MUFFIN

FILLING UP WITH WARM MELTED BUTTER.

-AND THAT'S THE PADDLE-SNAKES IN A SINGLE SENTENCE, STEVE.

-THANKS, YOU GUYS. -THANK YOU.

-JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL AND PAUL SCHEER

ADVANCED TO THE SEMIFINALS, WHERE THEY WILL BATTLE IT OUT

AGAINST WILL FERRELL AND TIG NOTARO.

WHEN WE RETURN, SUGAR RAY LEONARD AND EMMA WATSON

VERSUS DANIEL DAE KIM AND LUIS GUZMAN.

WORLD CLASS ATHLETES, A-LIST ACTORS --

SHOULD BE SOME PRETTY GOOD PICKLEBALL ACTION.

"PICKLED" WILL CONTINUE.

"PICKLED" WILL CONTINUE.

THIS IS CBS.

♪♪

-WELCOME BACK TO "PICKLED."

THE FIRST HALF OF THE SEMIFINALS HAVE BEEN SET

WITH WILL FERRELL AND TIG NOTARO

FACING JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL AND PAUL SCHEER.

IT'S TIME NOW TO START FILLING IN

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BRACKET.

AND FOLKS, WE HAVE GOT A BARN BURNER COMING UP.

CARI, BILL, TELL THEM ALL ABOUT IT.

-IN OUR NEXT MATCH-UP, YOU'VE SEEN HIM ON ISLANDS

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PACIFIC OCEAN IN THE HIT SHOWS

"LOST" AND "HAWAII FIVE-O," IT'S DANIEL DAE KIM

AND HIS PARTNER STEALS SCENES IN "BOOGIE NIGHTS"

NIGHTS AND THE UPCOMING ADDAMS FAMILY REBOOT,

"WEDNESDAY," IT'S LUIS GUZMAN.

-THEY'LL CONJURE UP THE INTENSITY OF THE WORLD'S

GREATEST ACTOR WHEN TOGETHER THEY BECOME

DANIEL DAE LUIS.

AND NOW, HE'S ONE OF THE GREATEST BOXERS

OF ALL TIME WITH FIVE WORLD TITLES AND OLYMPIC GOLD,

IT'S SUGAR RAY LEONARD.

-SMELL SOMETHING SWEET. SHE FIRST ROSE TO FAME

AS HERMIONE GRANGER IN THE HARRY POTTER FILMS.

SHE STARRED IN THE OSCAR-NOMINATED "LITTLE WOMEN"

AND WENT ON TO BECOME THE UNITED NATIONS'

WOMEN GOODWILL AMBASSADOR.

IT'S EMMA WATSON.

TOGETHER, THEY ARE THE VOLLEY RANCHERS.

SUGAR RAY LEONARD IS THE ATHLETE.

-HE CAN STICK AND RUN. HE CAN MOVE THOSE PUPPIES.

-ALRIGHT. LET'S GO DOWN TO JOHN MICHAEL FOR MORE.

-THANKS, CARI. THANKS, BILL.

I WAS ABLE TO GET THE INSIDE SCOOP ON THIS MATCH

WHEN I PUT OUR TEAMS ON THE HOT SEAT THIS MORNING.

-STRATEGY FOR TODAY IS TO WIN, BABY.

-WE'RE GOING TO WIN

-WHEN I KNEW I WAS GOING TO BE PLAYING WITH RAY,

I STARTED TRAINING.

'CAUSE I WAS LIKE, I DON'T WANT TO LET THIS MAN DOWN.

WE DID MOUNT EVEREST A FEW TIMES.

WHAT ELSE CAN WE DO? -KILIMANJARO.

WE WENT TO AFRICA. IT WAS GREAT.

-WHAT'S YOUR BIGGEST ATHLETIC ACHIEVEMENT TO DATE?

-I WOULD SAY THE 1976 OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL.

-MY BIGGEST ATHLETIC ACHIEVEMENT TO THIS DATE

WAS BEATING MY YOUNGER BROTHER AT PING-PONG.

-PING-PONG. -I GUESS!

PING-PONG AGAINST MY YOUNGER BROTHER.

-ALRIGHT. OUR PLAYERS ARE READY.

LET'S WATCH THE COURT AND THE PEOPLE ON IT.

AND SPEAKING OF THE PEOPLE ON IT,

EMMA IS UP SERVING FIRST.

-0-0, TWO.

-EMMA WATSON WITH A NICE SERVE TO GUZMAN,

AND HIS RETURN IS LOW.

-POINT. -WIND'S AGAINST US.

-OKAY. -OR, WIND'S WITH US.

-VOLLEY RANCHERS UP 1-0. -SO THAT'S 1?

-1-0, TWO.

-EMMA WITH THE STRONG FOREHAND. GIVEN BACK TO SUGAR.

-OH. -BACKHAND FOR THE WIN.

2-0.

-DAMN! DAMN, IT'S LIKE THAT, HUH?

-OKAY. LIKE THAT. IT'S LIKE THAT.

YOU SAW THAT? -APPARENTLY, IT IS LIKE THAT.

-TOO LONG! OH, IT'S IN.

-OH! -WE GOT ONE.

WE GOT ONE.

-LETTING THEM HIT IT DOWN THE MIDDLE.

-DOWN THE MIDDLE. RIGHT?

-DANIEL DAE LUIS CATCHES A BREAK THERE

WITH EMMA'S UNFORCED ERROR.

THEY'LL GET THE SERVE AND AN OPPORTUNITY

TO PUT POINTS ON THE BOARD.

-0-2, ONE. -OKAY, WE'RE READY?

-GUZMAN SERVING, EMMA AND SUGAR UP 2-0.

-GOTTA LET IT BOUNCE, LUIS.

-OH-HO! -OH!

-THAT'S ALRIGHT, THAT'S ALRIGHT.

-THE CHAMP SMOKING THOSE BALLS AT GUZMAN.

-SERVE GOES TO KIM NOW.

-WE GOTTA GET 'EM BACK. GET 'EM BACK.

-ALRIGHT. HERE WE GO.

-OH! -SUGAR RAY IS PLAYING

WITH INTENTION.

-SUGAR WITH SOME SPICE...

AND NOTHING NICE.

TAKING ADVANTAGE, GOING FOR THE JUGULAR AREA.

-I SEE HOW THAT IS GOING. AND IT'S GOING REALLY GOOD.

IT'S GOING REALLY GOOD.

-SUGAR RAY CONSIDERED ONE OF THE BEST PICKLEBALL PLAYERS.

-OF ALL TIME? -ON THIS COURT.

-OH, OKAY. ON THE COURT.

SIMILAR TO ALL TIME. HERE WE GO, DANIEL DAE!

VOLLEY RANGERS GET THE POINT.

SCORE 3-0,. SUGAR RAY LEONARD STILL SERVING.

-NOT GOOD. THAT WAS OUT. THAT WAS OUT.

-CARI, BILL, ARE YOU SEEING WHAT I'M SEEING?

EMMA'S GOT A HELL OF AN EYE. SHE LETS THAT BALL PLAY

ALL THE WAY OUT TO SEE WHETHER IT'S FAIR PLAY

OR WHETHER IT'S GOING TO GO OUTSIDE.

I LIKE HOW COOL SHE STAYS ON THE COURT.

-YOU KNOW, I'M TOLD THAT SHE REALLY

HAS WORKED AT THIS WITH INDIVIDUAL INSTRUCTION.

LUIS!

-THAT'S OUT.

[ CHEERING ]

-THAT IS IMPRESSIVE, TERRIFIC TECHNIQUE.

-I HATE THEM. -WAY TO RALLY --

NEITHER TEAM, THOUGH, BACKING DOWN,

BUT LOOK AT EMMA WATSON'S DETERMINATION.

ZERO FEAR AT THE KITCHEN LINE, MY KIND OF GAL,

MAKING IT LOOK EASY. SHE AND LEONARD WIN THE POINT.

-UNPRECEDENTED GAME PLAY.

WE HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS KIND OF ACTION.

-IT'S OKAY, WE GOT THIS. WE GOT THIS.

-WHILE THESE WARRIORS GRIND IT OUT ON THE COURT,

LET'S SHARE A BRIEF REMINDER OF WHY WE'RE HERE TODAY.

-TO EVERYONE WATCHING, THE BALL IS IN YOUR COURT.

-DONATE NOW TO HELP SAVE AND CHANGE THE LIFE OF A CHILD.

-THAT'S JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL, WHO RECENTLY CARRIED

HER HUSBAND, PAUL SCHEER, TO THE SEMIFINALS.

NOW BACK TO CENTER COURT.

OH, A RARE BREAK FOR GUZMAN.

HE'S GIVING EMMA WATSON THE BUSINESS,

STICKING HIS TONGUE OUT.

EMMA FIGHTS FIRE WITH FIRE.

-LET'S TAKE A CLOSER LOOK.

-THERE IT IS.

SCORE 8-0 AT THIS MOMENT.

-HERE'S SOME MORE TERMINOLOGY.

IF YOU WIN A GAME BY SKUNKING THE OTHER TEAM,

IT IS CALLED BEING PICKLED. -BEING PICKLED.

YOU BEAT ME TO THE PUNCH. -I'M SORRY, BILL.

-THAT'S ALRIGHT. YOU, BABY. TO THE PICKLE.

9-0. -9-0, TWO.

POINT. -THERE IT IS.

10-0 NOW.

-OH. -10-0, TWO.

-IF THIS WERE A HOLLYWOOD MOVIE, NOW WOULD BE THE MOMENT

THAT DANIEL DAE LUIS STAGES THEIR EPIC COMEBACK.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN M--

NOPE. NO. YEAH. THIS ONE'S OVER.

EMMA, SUGAR, 11-0.

YEAH, THEY CRUSHED 'EM. -VOLLEY RANCHERS

MOVE ON TO THE SEMIFINALS.

STEVE, HAS SUGAR RAY LEONARD AGED?

-NO. -NOT A BIT.

-THEY RECENTLY TOOK A CORE SAMPLE,

AND THERE ARE NO MORE RINGS. -OKAY.

-DANIEL DAE KIM AND LUIS GUZMAN, A HEARTFELT SALUTE TO YOU

FOR COMING OUT TODAY FOR COMIC RELIEF,

BECAUSE CLEARLY YOU DID NOT COME OUT TO PLAY PICKLEBALL.

EMMA AND SUGAR RAY ARE IN THE OOFOS RECOVERY LOUNGE

RIGHT NOW WITH OUR FRIEND JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS.

-OH, BOY. WHAT A PERFORMANCE.

I MEAN, YOU COULD DO NO WRONG.

AND WHAT WAS INTERESTING ABOUT YOU

WAS THAT YOU SHOWED ABSOLUTELY NO MERCY

TO THOSE TWO WONDERFUL PEOPLE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COURT.

WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT? ARE YOU BAD PEOPLE?

-WELL, WE'RE NOT BAD PEOPLE.

IT JUST -- IT'S A NATURAL THING.

JUST A NATURAL HABIT. -I SEE.

-WINNING IS A NATURAL HABIT FOR HIM, AND I'M JUST --

I'M JUST FOLLOWING HIM UP, YOU KNOW?

-YOU'RE JUST HELPING HIM ALONG. THAT'S SO NICE OF YOU.

WELL, YOU CRUSHED THEM.

YOU CRUSHED THEIR SPIRITS, AND YOU CRUSHED THEIR --

THEIR WHOLE FUTURE. SO I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.

-WELL, I LIKE WHAT YOU SAID, THAT CRUSH.

AND THAT WAS THE INTENTION. -DESTROY.

WE'RE I'M APOLOGIZING FOR OUR INTENSITY.

-NO APOLOGY, SUGAR RAY? -I MEAN, I FEEL BAD,

BUT I FEEL GOOD THAT I WON. WE WON.

-IT'S A REAL GOOD KIND OF BAD. -FOR A GOOD CAUSE.

-THANK YOU SO MUCH. CONGRATULATIONS.

WE'LL SEE YOU IN THE NEXT ROUND.

WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT.

THE VOLLEY RANCHERS ADVANCE TO THE SEMIFINALS.

COMING UP, IT'S GOING TO GET A LITTLE COUNTRY IN HERE.

MULTI-PLATINUM ARTIST JIMMIE ALLEN

AND STAR OF "THE NEIGHBORHOOD" MAX GREENFIELD

TEAM UP TO TAKE DOWN SINGER SONGWRITER DIERKS BENTLEY

AND HOST OF "THE AMAZING RACE," PHIL KEOGHAN.

AND THEN IT'S THE CLAUSSEN CRUNCH-TIME HALFTIME REPORT.

"PICKLED" WILL CONTINUE.

"PICKLED" WILL CONTINUE.

THIS IS CBS.

♪♪

-WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY, TO "PICKLED."

I'M STEPHEN COLBERT. I'VE GOT A MOMENT,

SO I'D LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENT RIGHT NOW TO INTRODUCE TO YOU

THE REAL STAR OF OUR SHOW TONIGHT --

OUR TROPHY, THE COLBERT CUP.

I ALSO WANT TO POINT OUT THAT, YES, WE'VE SEEN YOUR TWEETS

AND #WEGETIT -- THAT IS A KARATE TROPHY.

YOU SEE, HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.

THE TROPHY INDUSTRY, SADLY, IS LIVING IN THE PAST

AND HAS YET TO DEVELOP THE ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY IT TAKES

TO PRODUCE A PROPER PICKLEBALL TROPHY.

BUT WE THOUGHT THIS BAD BOY WAS PRETTY COOL.

LET'S GET BACK TO OUR COMPETITORS, SHALL WE?

BILL, CARI, OVER TO YOU.

-BILL AND I ARE EXCITED ABOUT THIS NEXT MATCH UP.

HE'S A MULTI-PLATINUM COUNTRY MUSIC SINGER SONGWRITER

WITH HIT SINGLES "BEST SHOT" AND "DOWN HOME,"

AND HE'S GOING TO GIVE PICKLEBALL HIS BEST SHOT

SO HE DOESN'T END UP HEADING HOME.

IT'S JIMMIE ALLEN.

HIS PARTNER STARS ON CBS'S HIT COMEDY

"THE NEIGHBORHOOD," WHERE HE SCORES TONS OF LAUGHS,

BUT CAN'T HE SCORE TONS OF POINTS TODAY

ON THE PICKLEBALL COURT? WE'LL FIND OUT.

IT'S MAX GREENFIELD.

AND TOGETHER THEY ARE DILL-I-AM.

-AND SO YOU BE -- HE'S A MULTI-PLATINUM

COUNTRY MUSIC SINGER SONGWRITER

WITH HIT SINGLES "AM I THE ONLY ONE?"

AND "BEERS ON ME" -- WILL BE ON STEVE LATER, I MIGHT ADD.

IT'S DIERKS BENTLEY.

HIS PARTNER IS THE HOST OF "THE AMAZING RACE,"

BUT TODAY HE'S THE ONE WHO WILL BE PUSHING HIMSELF TO HIS LIMITS

PUTTING IT ALL ON THE LINE FOR THE ONE SHOT AT GLORY.

IT'S PHIL KEOGHAN!

-KEOGHAN! -TOGETHER, THEY ARE...

WHEN HARRY NET RALLY.

[ CHEERING ]

-YOU HEAR THAT CROWD RIGHT THERE?

-THEY'RE ALREADY CHEERING FOR US, IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED PLAYING, THEY'RE ALREADY MAKING NOISE

FOR US -- WE'LL BE RIGHT THERE. HANG ON.

WRAPPING UP SOME TV STUFF.

-PHIL PLAYS A LOT. DIERKS PLAYS ON THE ROAD.

I DON'T CARE WHAT DIERKS TELLS YOU.

HIS WHOLE TOUR, THEY PLAY PICKLEBALL. OKAY?

-WHAT I LIKE TO DO IS LET THEM GET UP

LIKE A POINT AWAY FROM VICTORY,

AND THEY REALLY GET THEIR HOPES UP.

-REALLY? YOU WANT TO TAKE IT THAT CLOSE TO THE LINE?

-IT'S NOT ENOUGH FOR ME JUST GET THE WIN.

I WANT TO GET LIKE -- I WANT -- I WANT --

-YOU WANT TO RUB IT IN. -I WANT TEARS.

-AND HONESTLY, TOO, THEY'RE BOTH SO RICH.

LIKE, THEY GOT A LOT OF FREE TIME ON THEIR HANDS.

WE GOT TO WORK. -THESE ARE RICH MEN.

-THESE ARE RICH MEN PLAYING A RICH MAN'S SPORT.

-MAYBE THEY'LL GIVE US SOME MONEY.

-YEAH.

-AND HERE THEY COME, DIERKS AND PHIL STRUTTING THEIR STUFF

ONTO CENTER COURT.

JIMMIE AND MAX NOT FAR BEHIND.

THE INTENSITY IS ALREADY DIALED UP.

THIS IS GOING TO BE A GOOD ONE.

-ALRIGHT, FOLKS, OUR PLAYERS ARE READY.

SO LET'S GO TO THE COURT

AND WE HAVE MAX GREENFIELD SERVING,

TEAM DILL-I-AM TRYING TO MAKE IT TO THE SEMIFINALS.

-0-0, TWO

-WAS THAT OFF? -DO-OVER, DO-OVER.

MY MISTAKE. MY MISTAKE.

-GREENFIELD LETTING HIS EMOTIONS GET THE BEST OF HIM.

OBVIOUSLY, YOU CANNOT SERVE OVERHAND.

-ALRIGHT, LET'S DO IT OVER. -YEAH, LET'S LET HIM DO IT OVER.

-HE'S LEARNING. HE'S LEARNING THE RULES.

YOU KNOW, IT'S HIS FIRST TIME. I REMEMBER MY FIRST TIME.

-OH! -WE GOT A POINT.

NOW YOU GUYS SWITCH SIDES.

-NOW WE SWITCH IT. -WHAT DO WE DO?

-1-0, ONE.

-DID WE -- IS IT OVER? -NO.

-OKAY. I THOUGHT WE WON.

-AS AN ACTOR WE KNOW THAT GREENFIELD NEVER PLAYS

BY THE RULES, BUT WE HERE AT "PICKLED" INSIST THAT HE DOES.

HERE'S THE SERVE.

-JIMMIE COVERING A LOT OF GROUND RIGHT THERE.

BUT IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO GET AROUND KEOGHAN'S --

-OH! -LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK.

-AND BAM,

THE MAN FROM DOWN UNDER GOES UP AND OVER.

-AND FOLKS, YES, WE KNOW THAT PHIL

IS FROM NEW ZEALAND, NOT AUSTRALIA,

BUT NEW ZEALAND IS TECHNICALLY DOWN UNDER

AND JUST A LITTLE BIT OVER.

NEWS YOU CAN USE. -1-1.

-KEOGHAN SERVES, 1-1.

-JIMMIE WITH A NICE DEEP RETURN.

BILL AND DIERKS CHARGE THE KITCHEN LINE.

-BENTLEY GOING UP TO GET IT.

AND JIMMIE, JUST TOO MUCH POWER THERE.

-IS THAT OUT?

-SO LET'S CHECK IN WITH THE JAR TO SEE WHERE THAT ENDED UP.

AND IT IS INDEED LONG.

-ALRIGHT, LET'S GO. LET'S GET --

LET'S BRING THE TEAM TOGETHER.

-GOT IT. -SECOND SERVER.

-OH, GOD. NICE SHOT.

-ONE. -PRETTY IMPRESSIVE EARLY.

I THINK BOTH TEAMS ARE LEARNING THE GAME.

LOOKS LIKE THEY PRACTICED. REHEARSED.

-NICE SERVE.

-ANOTHER DEEP RETURN FROM AL, AND THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT.

MAX UP TO THE KITCHEN LINE. HE'S THERE.

AND ANOTHER -- -POINT.

-HE POACHED IT, MAYBE SHOULD HAVE LEFT IT FOR JIMMIE.

-MY PARTNER. HE'S GOT IT GOING ON.

-I WAS ABOUT TO SLAM IT.

-YOU CAN CHANGE A CHILD'S LIFE TONIGHT.

MAKE NO MISTAKE. JUST GO TO COMICRELIEF.ORG.

-AND EVERYONE'S A WINNER.

-HE SAID IT.

-THANK YOU, SUGAR AND EMMA,

THEY'RE PATIENTLY AWAITING THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH.

LET'S CHECK BACK IN, THE SCORE 804.

-GET IT. GO!

-OH, BACKHAND. NO, LOOK.

-YEAH! -AN AMAZING POINT THERE.

THIS -- THIS IS THE PICKLING WE CAME HERE TO SEE.

-EVERYBODY UP AT THE KITCHEN LINE.

GREENFIELD WITH THE BACKHAND, BUT IT'S NOT ENOUGH.

THEY KICK IT UP A NOTCH AND THE CROWD IS LOVING IT.

-9-4, ONE.

-DIERKS SERVING, SCORE 904.

ALLEN DELIVERS ANOTHER GREAT RETURN,

KISSING THE LINE, RIGHT THERE!

-9-4, TWO. -HERE WE GO.

-KEOGHAN SERVES. GREENFIELD RETURNS.

-MAX IMMEDIATELY UP TO THE KITCHEN. SMART MOVE.

-OUT. -OH, BUT IT IS OUT,

A RARE MISTAKE FROM PHIL.

TAKE A LOOK AT THE JAR, FOLKS.

IT'S CLOSE, BUT NO CIGAR.

-THAT IS A STRONG JAR.

TAKES A LICKING AND KEEPS ON TICKING.

LET'S SEE IF GREENFIELD AND ALLEN HAVE THE SAME TOUGHNESS.

-MAX NOW SERVING, DOWN BY FIVE,

TRYING TO MOUNT A COMEBACK, FOLKS.

NOW, LOOK AT THIS, FOLKS --

DIERKS AND PHIL RIGHT ON THAT KITCHEN LINE.

BUT JIMMIE IS A LITTLE OUT OF POSITION AND THEY,

OF COURSE, TAKE ADVANTAGE. -NICE JOB.

-BROMANCE DEVELOPING BETWEEN THESE TWO.

WOULD BE PRETTY COOL IF THEY CAME OUT OF THIS BEST FRIENDS.

-4-9, TWO. -SERVE NOW WITH JIMMIE,

THEY'RE DOWN 4-9.

NICE SERVE. BUT HERE COMES DIERKS.

A BIG SLAM, AND DIDN'T HAVE A FOOT IN THAT KITCHEN.

HE MIGHT HAVE. LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK.

-NO! PRANCIN', DANCIN', BUT NO COOKIN'.

HE STAYS OUT OF THE KITCHEN, CARI -- THAT'S IMPRESSIVE.

-THAT WAS CLOSE. YEAH.

-INTO THE NET, MAX VERY DISAPPOINTED THERE.

AND HERE WE ARE.

KEOGHAN SERVING MATCH POINT.

HARRY NET RALLY ONE POINT AWAY FROM A COVETED SEMIFINAL BERTH.

GREENFIELD. GREENFIELD AGAIN.

JIMMIE, REAL DANGER HERE.

-GET IT, MAX! -GREENFIELD'S GOT IT --

BUT IT IS NOT ENOUGH, FOLKS!

WHEN HARRY NET RALLY, ONTO THE SEMIS!

-MOVING ON! -GOOD JOB.

GOOD JOB. -GOOD PLAYERS, DUDE!

-YOU PLAYED OFF YOUR ASS OFF. MAX, YOU'RE GOOD, BRO.

-I WAS WORRIED THERE.

THAT WAS FUN. -YEAH. GOOD JOB.

-LOOK AT MAX DOING EVERYTHING HE CAN TO KEEP THIS ALIVE.

HITTING THE DECK, BUT, FOLKS, IT'S JUST NOT ENOUGH.

-THEN GOES GREENFIELD, MAYBE A SKINNED KNEE.

GET THE MEDIC. BUT DEFINITELY A BROKEN HEART.

-DIERKS AND PHIL ARE IN THE OOFOS RECOVERY LOUNGE.

-YOU ARE NOW FACING SUGAR RAY LEONARD AND EMMA WATSON,

WHO TURNS OUT TO BE A HOUSE ON FIRE.

A REALLY GREAT PLAYER.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS EXPECTING FROM THIS BOUT?

-UH, BLOOD, SWEAT AND TEARS.

-I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT ROBERTO DURAN.

DO YOU REMEMBER THOSE DAYS? -YES.

-I WANT YOU TO BE ROBERTO DURAN IN THE NEXT ROUND.

-WAIT A SECOND. DIDN'T SUGAR RAY LEONARD

BEAT ROBERTO DURAN REPEATEDLY,

TO THE POINT WHERE HE WENT UP

AND SAID "NO MáS" AT ONE POINT?

-MAYBE WE MAKE HIM DURAN. -YEAH.

-AND WE BEAT HIM. -WE'RE SUGAR RAY.

THANK YOU, STEPHEN. -THERE YOU HAVE IT.

DIERKS BENTLEY AND PHIL KEOGHAN

AND SUGAR RAY LEONARD AND EMMA WATSON

MOVE ON TO THE SEMIFINALS.

ALSO ADVANCING ARE JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL AND PAUL SCHEER

AGAINST TIG NOTARO AND WILL FARRELL.

FOUR MATCHES BEHIND US,

THREE MORE REMAIN,

WHICH, IN "PICKLED," IS HALF WAY.

COMING UP, THE CLAUSSEN CRUNCH-TIME HALFTIME REPORT

AND THE ANNUAL STATE OF THE PICKLE ADDRESS.

NO OTHER RACKET SPORTS PAUSE FOR A HALFTIME SHOW,

BUT NO OTHER RACKET SPORT IS PICKLEBALL.

"PICKLED" WILL CONTINUE.

♪♪

-AND WE WELCOME EVERYBODY TO THE CLAUSSEN CRUNCH-TIME

HALFTIME REPORT BROUGHT TO YOU BY CLAUSSEN.

BE THE CRUNCH YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD.

I'M STEPHEN COLBERT JOINED HERE IN THE PERGOLA

BY OUR COMMENTATORS BILL RAFTERY AND CARI CHAMPION.

GUYS, WE ALL KNOW CLAUSSEN PICKLES ARE COLD AND CRUNCHY.

COULD YOU SAY THE SAME ABOUT SOME OF THE PLAY WE SAW TODAY?

I TELL YOU, SUGAR RAY'S OPPONENTS ARE IN A PICKLE.

HE HAS BEEN STONE COLD. HE IS GOING TO THE SEMIS.

THAT'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF.

-HE'S GOING TO BE VERY GOOD, NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.

I'M SURE HE'S A NEOPHYTE AT THIS GAME.

AND THAT'S WHAT IMPRESSED ME THE MOST --

LOT OF THESE PEOPLE ARE FIRST TIME STARTERS

AND DISPLAYED EXTRAORDINARY ABILITY.

-SUGAR RAY AND EMMA SHUT OUT DANIEL DAE KIM AND LUIS GUZMAN.

I'D NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT IN PICKLE.

-THUS FAR, EMMA IS THE BEST PLAYER IN THE COMPETITION.

-REALLY IMPRESSIVE. -SHE'S ON THE SHORTLIST FOR MVP,

THAT'S FOR SURE. -THEY WENT AFTER LUIS BECAUSE

HE DIDN'T COME TOWARDS THE KITCHEN, THEY'RE VERY SMART.

I JUST LOVE HER ATTITUDE. WHAT A COMPETITOR.

-JUNE DIANE AND PAUL'S MARRIAGE SEEMS TO BE AN ADVANTAGE SO FAR.

-ARE THEY STILL TALKING? I'M NOT SURE.

-I DON'T KNOW. LIKE MOST WOMEN, SHE'S CARRYING HIM

IN THE RELATIONSHIP. DO YOU NOT AGREE?

-OH, SHE WAS FANTASTIC. AND HER ATTITUDE AFTER

A MADE POINT, BIT OF DANCIN' AND PRANCIN',

HAVING A GREAT TIME. -CARI, BILL,

THANKS FOR YOUR INSIGHT. AND NOW TO DELIVER

CLAUSSEN'S ANNUAL STATE OF THE PICKLE ADDRESS,

THE ANCHOR OF "CBS NEWS PRIME TIME,"

JOHN DICKERSON.

-PICKLEBALL'S JOURNEY BEGAN IN THE TUMULTUOUS YEAR 1965.

THE TIMES, THEY WERE A-CHANGIN'.

IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME

BEFORE THOSE TIMES A-CHANGED

THE WAY WE PLAYED RACKET SPORTS.

ONE WEEKEND IN THE SUMMER OF '65,

FUTURE CONGRESSMAN JOEL PRITCHARD WAS TRAPPED ON

A FAMILY VACATION ON BAINBRIDGE ISLAND, WASHINGTON,

WITH SEVERAL BORED CHILDREN,

TWO-PING PONG PADDLES, ONE WIFFLE BALL,

AND A BADMINTON NET.

THEN CONGRESSMAN PRITCHARD DARED DO

WHAT NO ONE HAD DARED DO BEFORE.

HE LOWERED IT.

AND PICKLEBALL WAS BORN.

THE '60s MAY HAVE COME TO AN END,

BUT PICKLEBALL'S ROCKET RIDE HAS JUST BEGUN.

RACKET SPORTS SCIENTISTS CALCULATE THAT IN THE LAST

TWO YEARS, THE SPORT HAS GROWN BY 40%.

THERE ARE NOW 4.8 MILLION PLAYERS.

PICKLEBALL IS BRINGING HEALTH AND HAPPINESS

TO COUNTLESS AMERICANS --

UNLESS YOU CAN COUNT TO 4.8 MILLION.

CLEARLY PICKLEBALL HAS BECOME A NATIONAL OBSESSION.

BUT EVERY OBSESSION HAS A DARK SIDE.

AS THE HORDES OF PICKERS GROW THEIR INSATIABLE THIRST

FOR COURT SPACE DEVOURS GYMS, TENNIS COURTS.

AND, IN NEW YORK CITY,

PICKLEBALLERS ARE SETTING UP UNAUTHORIZED COURTS

IN PUBLIC PARKS AND PLAYGROUNDS,

AND FIGHTS ARE ERUPTING.

YES, VIOLENCE ON THE PLAYGROUND AND SADLY,

NOT THE COOL DANCING KIND.

ONE CRITIC LABELED PICKLERS

"THE LANTERN FLIES OF THE SPORTS WORLD" --

AN APT COMPARISON, BECAUSE, LIKE PICKLEBALL,

THEY'RE BOTH INVASIVE,

AND, UNTIL RECENTLY,

I HAD NO IDEA EITHER ONE EXISTED.

BUT PADDLE CRIME ISN'T THE ONLY DANGER LURKING ON THE COURT.

SO ARE INJURIES -- 19,000 OF THEM A YEAR.

THE CAUSE, ACCORDING TO ONE EXPERT --

"MOST OF IT IS FROM TRIPPING."

THE SPORT IS LURING UNSUSPECTING AMERICANS INTO AN ACTIVITY

THEY'RE NOT READY FOR:

MOVEMENT.

SO WITHER NOW PICKLEBALL?

HARMLESS ACTIVITY, SURGING SPORT,

OR MENACE TO SOCIETY?

PERSONALLY, AFTER SEEING THESE CELEBRITIES PLAY THIS SPORT

FOR THE BETTER PART OF AN AFTERNOON,

I THINK PICKLEBALL CAN BE A FORCE FOR HEALING

IN THE RIGHT HANDS --

AND SOMETIMES IN THE LEFT.

BACK TO YOU, STEVE.

-THANKS, JOHN.

COMING UP: JUNE, PAUL; WILL, TIG --

PICKLEBALL MAY BE LOW IMPACT,

BUT IT IS DEFINITELY HIGH STAKES.

WHEN WE COME BACK, THE "PICKLED" SEMIFINALS GET UNDERWAY.

THIS IS CBS.

♪♪

-WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

I AM MORE THAN SEMI EXCITED TO WELCOME YOU TO THE SEMIFINALS.

IF THESE PLAYERS WIN HERE,

THEY MOVE ON TO THE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH.

BUT IF THEY LOSE, THEY'RE STILL FAMOUS.

THEY'RE GOING TO BE FINE.

-OUR NEXT TEAMS WILL NEED TO LEAVE EVERYTHING IN THE KITCHEN

IF THEY WANT TO MAKE IT THROUGH.

WE'RE GOING TO BE SEEING THE JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL

AND PAUL SCHEER PLAYING WILL FERRELL AND TIG NOTARO.

-IT'LL BE FINE.

-WILL? -HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

-NO, WE'RE JUST HUGGING. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

-THERE'S A RUMOR YOU GUYS ARE ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED.

WHOA!

[ CHEERING ]

-WILL.

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

HEY.

-HERE WE GO. PADDLE-SNAKES VERSUS PARTY TIL YOU CUKE.

LET'S WATCH.

-NICE SERVE, BABE.

GOT IT.

-LITTLE POACHING EARLY. OOH, BIG RETURN!

-OOH, MEAN. -MEAN WILL FERRELL.

-NOW, REMEMBER, FOLKS, ONLY THE SERVING TEAM CAN SCORE.

WILL AND TIG HAVE THE SERVE

AND A CHANCE TO GET OUT TO AN EARLY LEAD.

-YOUR SERVE, TIG. -RIGHT.

KNEW THAT. -0-0, ONE.

-TIG SERVING AND ASSURING THE LINE JUDGE THAT

SHE UNDERSTANDS SOME OR ANY OF THE RULES.

-JUNE HAS A LITTLE BIT OF THE JITTERS.

-JUNE. YES, SHE IS --

SHE'S JUMPY AS A YOUNG COLT RIGHT NOW.

-TIG...

-LOOKING AT JUNE NOT GOING ANYWHERE NEAR THAT SERVE,

FOR GOOD REASON.

-OKAY. ALRIGHT.

-OH, HE'S GOT THE SOCKS UP!

IT'S DANGER TIME. -THERE YOU GO.

-OH, HE'S LOOSENING UP.

-THERE YOU GO.

-WE HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD.

-ONE SECOND, ONE SECOND.

-1-0, TWO.

-OH, ONE IS LOWERING AT THE OTHER END.

-I'M GOING TO SET MYSELF FOR EVERY SERVE.

-1-0, TWO.

-LONG. -OH, OUT.

-LITTLE STRONG. -2-0, TWO.

FOOT FAULT. FOOT FAULT.

-YOU CAN SEE PAUL STEPPING INTO THE KITCHEN LINE

WITHOUT LETTING THE BALL BOUNCE. OUR LINE JUDGE SAYS NO WAY.

WILL AND TIG GET THE POINT. SCORE 3-0.

-YOUR KITCHEN WASN'T UP TO CODE.

-FERRELL WITH A SNAPPY ONE LINER.

THIS GUY KNOWS HOW TO SERVE.

-NICE. -SOLID BACKHAND

FROM SCHEER THERE.

-SIDE OUT, CIRCLES BACK TO PAUL, 3-0,

PAUL AND JUNE.

-0-3, ONE.

-OKAY.

0-3, ONE.

-OUT.

-TONIGHT, YOUR DONATION CAN HELP FAMILIES IN IMMEDIATE NEED.

-DONATE TO COMICRELIEF.ORG.

-NOW, AS WE PICK THIS MATCH BACK UP,

WILL AND TIG HAVE JUST SCORED SIX UNANSWERED,

AND, FRANKLY, UNWATCHABLE POINTS THAT WE HAVE EDITED OUT.

THEY'RE UP 9-3. YOU'RE WELCOME.

-NICE SERVE, BABE.

-OOH! OOH!

-SHE'S PISSED! -I KNOW, SHE'S PISSED.

-THERE YOU GO. -THAT'S WHAT'S UP.

-JUNE IS -- -PISSED.

-SHE'S UPSET. -YEAH, SWEETIE, YEAH!

LET'S GO.

NICE.

-OH, TOUGH.

-JUNE STEPPING INTO THE KITCHEN,

BUT SHE LETS IT BOUNCE.

-OH, SHE'S GOOD, THAT --

-SHE IS UNCONSCIOUS.

-MAMA. -MOMMY!

-THAT WAS A MAMA. -THAT WAS TOTALLY MOMMY.

-CALLING IT A MAMA.

THAT'S A TERM I BELIEVE THEY'RE MAKING UP.

NOT SURE WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT LOOK AT THIS.

I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING. THAT'S A MAMA,

THAT'S A "MAMA MIA, HERE WE GO AGAIN."

-EARLY VOTE FOR MVP.

-SHE WAS PERMITTED TO BE IN THE KITCHEN.

-NICE SERVE.

OUT! -TOUCH!

-HE DIDN'T TOUCH IT. -DIDN'T TOUCH.

-I HEARD A TOUCH. -IT --

I DID HEAR A TOUCH. -I HEARD IT TOUCH TOO.

-I HEARD IT TOUCH. -I HEARD IT TOUCH.

-ALRIGHT, SECOND SERVER.

-ALRIGHT. -I HEARD IT TOUCH.

I'D BE THE FIRST TO SAY

I DIDN'T HEAR A TOUCH, BUT I HEARD A TOUCH.

-SOME DISPUTE ON THE COURT, TIG AND OUR LINE JUDGE

BOTH CLAIMING THEY HEARD PAUL'S PADDLE HIT THE BALL.

WE'D CHECKED, BUT OUR LINE CAM TECHNOLOGY

ONLY HAS EYES, NOT EARS. -POINT.

-NOW. I'M NOT HAPPY.

-USE IT.

-ALRIGHT, I'M GOING TO USE IT.

-6-9, TWO.

-COME TO THE KITCHEN.

-MAMA!

-9-6, ONE.

-OH.

-BABE! -JUNE SEEMS A LITTLE FRUSTRATED

WITH HER HUSBAND RIGHT NOW.

WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF A FIGHT BROKE OUT.

-HE MAY BE SLEEPING IN THE CAR. -10-6, ONE.

-SORRY. -I'LL TELL YOU,

NOTHING TESTS A MARRIAGE LIKE BEING THE BETTER MEMBER

OF A CELEBRITY PICKLEBALL TEAM.

-WE'RE GOING ALL THE WAY, BABE. -ALL THE WAY, BABE.

-WILL SERVING MATCH POINT. THIS COULD BE IT.

-BUT NO.

JUNE REFUSING TO LOSE

FORMIDABLE AT THAT KITCHEN LINE.

SHE LIKES IT UP THERE.

-YOUR SERVE, RIGHT OVER THERE.

-SECOND SERVER.

-I TOTALLY KNOW HOW TO PLAY THIS.

-10-6, TWO.

-COME ON, TIG!

-DAMN IT! -GET IN!

-OUT! -THAT'S GOOD.

-WILL AND TIG UNABLE TO WRAP THIS UP.

JUNE AND PAUL STILL ALIVE.

HERE'S PAUL.

-6-10, ONE.

-NICE SERVE.

-WAS THAT OUT? -OUT.

LET'S CHECK THAT ONE. -CHECK THAT ONE.

-AND A BIG SMASH FROM THE BIG MAN.

-IT WAS SO CLOSE, BUT THEY CALL IT OUT.

-IT WAS OUT. IT WAS OUT. -IT WAS OUT.

-HEY, BABE? WE'LL COME BACK. -OKAY.

-WE'RE STILL BACK. -I KNOW.

-ARE WE WINNING? -YES.

-YEAH. -7-10, AND HERE COME

THE PADDLE-SNAKES.

-LET IT GO --

-WHOA!

-HEY, JUNE!

-BABE, I'M SORRY. ♪ BABE, I'M LEAVIN'

-8-10, HOLDING FOR SCHEER.

AND HE COMES UP WITH A WINNER.

-TAKE A LOOK AT THAT.

NOT MUCH TIG COULD DO WITH IT.

SHE WAS IN DISBELIEF.

-NICE, BABE. -HOW FAR ARE WE AHEAD?

-8-10, ONE. -8-10.

WE'RE UP BY TWO.

-GOT IT.

-OOH, HOW ABOUT THAT?

SHOWED A LITTLE COCKINESS.

A LITTLE FLEXIN'.

-NICE.

-IT'S ALL IN THE SOCKS.

-I EXPECT MORE FROM JUNE.

I'VE SEEN A COUPLE OF PLAYS THAT SHE JUST LET GO BY HER.

-I DON'T KNOW WHAT MATCH STEVE IS WATCHING.

I'M TELLING YOU, I THOUGHT THAT WAS PAUL'S PROBLEM,

BUT IT'S OKAY, STEVE.

-WELL, I DON'T EXPECT MUCH FROM PAUL.

THAT'S WHAT I EXPECT FROM PAUL,

WHAT WE JUST SAW RIGHT THERE.

-THANKS, BABE.

I NORMALLY SERVE REALLY WELL.

-NO, YOU'RE GOT -- YOU GOT THIS ONE.

-10-8, ONE.

-MATCH POINT. MATCH POINT. -MATCH POINT FOR THE THIRD TIME.

-RIGHT? -CAN THEY GET IT DONE?

-DAMN IT! WHAT THE HELL? -PARTY TIL...

-YOU CUKE.

-LIKE I'M NOT GOOD AT THIS. -I WAS GOING TO ASK

THE SAME QUESTION.

-SECOND SERVER, 10-8, TWO.

-WILL NOW SERVING FOR THE WIN.

-UNH!

UNH!

-OH! THAT'S THE WINNER.

THAT'S IT. -CHICKEN DINNER, MY FRIENDS.

CHICKEN DINNER. -WILL AND TIG

SENDING THOSE LOVEBIRDS BACK TO THEIR NEST.

-PARTY TIL YOU CUKE WINS IT, THEY'RE ON TO THE FINALS.

GIVE A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

-SHE'S BEEN TERRIFIC, HASN'T SHE?

-TO JUNE AND PAUL, THEY HAVE DONE THE BEST.

HAVE THEY NOT? -THEY COMPETED GREAT.

-THE PADDLE-SNAKES WERE AMAZING.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR A COMPETITIVE ROUND.

WOW. THAT WAS A GOOD SEMIFINAL MATCH.

-FUN TO WATCH. -JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL

DOING EVERYTHING SHE COULD TO HANG ON.

BUT IT WASN'T ENOUGH.

BIG CONGRATS TO FARRELL AND NOTARO.

THEY'RE HEADING TO THE CHAMPIONSHIP

AND THEY'RE WITH JOHN MICHAEL

IN THE OOFOS RECOVERY LOUNGE.

-WELL, PARTY TIL YOU CUKE,

AND CUKE THEY DID INDEED.

FANTASTIC PLAY.

THIS TEAM HAS WON EVERY SINGLE GAME THAT IT PLAYED.

-THAT'S RIGHT. -YEP.

-THAT'S RIGHT.

-AND DO YOU PLAN TO WIN THE NEXT ONE?

-OUR MOTTO HERE, AT PARTY TIL YOU CUKE IS,

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T -- YOU CAN'T PARTY...

-RIGHT.

...-UNLESS YOU'RE WILLING TO CUKE,

AND WE'RE WILLING TO CUKE

EVERY TIME WE STEP ON THE -- ON THE COURT.

-THAT'S RIGHT.

-I GOT IT. I GOT IT.

-TIG, WILL, IF I CAN JUMP IN HERE REAL QUICK...

-SURE, STEVE. -...WAS THERE ANY EMOTION

FOR YOU GUYS OUT THERE?

THERE WERE TIMES AT WHICH YOU SEEMED ALMOST ANGRY.

-MM. -I DIDN'T FEEL A THING, STEPHEN.

-DEAD INSIDE?

-YES, ABSOLUTELY.

-WILL, YOUR FEELINGS.

-I FELT DEAD INSIDE AS WELL.

-YEAH. YOU LOOKED IT.

-YEAH. -YEAH.

-I CHECKED MY HEART RATE AT ONE POINT.

I WAS AT A 12.

-UNBELIEVABLE. UNBELIEVABLE. -I WANT TO PLAY DIERKS BENTLEY.

I AM HERE TO WHUP ASS ON DIERKS. -WE HAVE --

-I SAW ALL THE WEAKNESSES.

-WE CIRCLED DIERKS' NAME ON THE ROSTER.

-WILL, YOU SAID YOU CIRCLE JERKED?

-OH, I HAD MY CUKE OUT, YEP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

-THANKS, GUYS. -YEP.

-THANKS SO MUCH, JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS,

MY DEAR FRIEND.

TIG NOTARO AND WILL FERRELL MOVE ON TO THE FINALS.

JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL AND PAUL SCHEER ARE OUT.

STILL AHEAD, WE'LL SEE

SUGAR RAY LEONARD AND EMMA WATSON

VERSUS DIERKS BENTLEY AND PHIL KEOGHAN.

IT'S GOING TO BE ONE FOR THE BOOKS.

THIS IS "PICKLED"!

♪♪

...WILL CONTINUE.

-...WILL CONTINUE.

THIS IS CBS. ♪♪

♪♪

-LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GLAD TO HAVE YOU BACK

BECAUSE OUR PENULTIMATE MATCH,

aka OUR FINAL SEMIFINAL MATCH,

aka OUR MATCH TO DECIDE WHICH

OF OUR PLAYERS ALMOST LOST THE LEAST,

IS ABOUT TO BEGIN.

CARI, BILL, CARI,

TELL US WHAT WE CAN EXPECT. CARI, BILL.

-THIS FINAL SEMIFINAL IS GOING TO BE TOUGH.

DIERKS BENTLEY AND PHIL KEOGHAN

DEFEATED JIMMIE ALLEN AND MAX GREENFIELD

TO GET HERE TO THIS POINT.

BUT SUGAR AND EMMA DOMINATED

DANIEL DAE KIM AND LUIS GUZMAN --

A TOTAL SHUTOUT!

BILL, WHO DO YOU THINK

WILL CONTINUE THEIR REIGN ON TO THE FINALS?

-OH. -BE HONEST! YOU CANNOT

CHANGE YOUR MIND. -THE VOLLEY RANCHERS.

YOU'VE GOT TO BEAT THE CHAMP TO WIN!

SUGAR RAY!

AND THE WAY EMMA WATSON HAS BEEN PLAYING HAS BEEN SENSATIONAL.

-NO ONE HAS A SERVE LIKE EMMA.

-NO! -WE CAN HEAR YOU DOWN HERE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

-I'M REALLY GOING TO GO OUT HERE --

WHEN HARRY NET RALLY.

THAT IS MY CHOICE.

I THINK THEY WILL WIN.

-CARI, YOU KNOW I RESPECT YOU.

YOU'RE LIVING IN A FANTASY WORLD.

-[ LAUGHS ] -[ CHUCKLES ]

-I AGREE. -EMMA AND THE CHAMP ARE

ABOUT TO BRING IT HOT AND HARD.

-OFTENTIMES, I'VE BEEN TOLD.

-BOTH TEAMS VERYCONFIDENT GOING INTO THIS.

SHOULD BE INTERESTING.

DIERKS BENTLEY WITH THE FIRST SERVE.

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

-UH-OH.

OOH!

WAIT! OOH!

AGH! IT'S OUT.

[ OHHS AND APPLAUSE ]

AN EXHILARATING EXCHANGE.

FOUR VERY SKILLED PLAYERS GOING AT EACH OTHER HERE.

-1-0-2. -THANK YOU, BUDDY.

-HEY, STEVE.

-YES, CARI. -SHOULD WE MAKE A SMALL WAGER?

-SURE. I'LL BET YOU A JAR OF PICKLES.

-I WAS GOING TO SAY YOU HAVE TO EAT A PICKLE.

-OH, YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

FUN AND GAMES UP HERE, BUT ON THE COURT,

DEADLY SERIOUS!

AS SUGAR RAY SERVES.

-0-1-1.

-OOH!

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ] -POINT.

-OKAY.

-1-1-1.

NOPE, OUT.

POINT. -BILL, THAT'S A GOOD EYE

FROM LEONARD RIGHT THERE.

-BIG ERROR FROM DIERKS.

HE NEEDS TO STOP THINKIN' AND START PICKLIN'.

-NO! -OUT. POINT.

-PHIL'S VOLLEY JUST A LITTLE TOO AGGRESSIVE RIGHT THERE.

HE COULDN'T KEEP IT IN.

VOLLEY RANCHERS, 3-3-1.

-3-1-1.

-OKAY, YOU GUYS HAVE FUN.

GETTING OFF TO A GOOD START.

-YEP.

-OOH, NICE!

[ OHHS AND APPLAUSE ]

-SECOND SERVER.

-WATCH THIS SERVE FROM WATSON.

-HER SERVE IS BEAUTIFUL. -YEAH, IT IS.

SHE'S PLAYED A LOT OF TENNIS.

-YOU CAN TELL. -LOOK AT THAT.

-OKAY. -SIDE OUT.

-HERE WE GO.

-THEM.

-YOUR SERVE.

VERY COMPETITIVE MATCH SHAPING UP ON THE COURT RIGHT NOW,

BUT WILL AND TIG ARE STANDING BY

TO REMIND US OF THE IMPORTANT STUFF.

-PLEASE HELP CHILDREN AND FAMILIES THRIVE.

-YOU CAN GIVE AT...

-THANKS, GUYS.

WHILE WE WERE AWAY, THERE WAS

A DRAMATIC REVERSAL OF FORTUNE. -7-5-1.

-WE NOW JUMP AHEAD.

BENTLEY AND KEOGHAN, UP 7-5.

PHIL SERVING.

[ CHEERING ]

[ APPLAUSE ] -[ GRUNTS ]

OOH! -SECOND SERVER.

[ WHISTLING ]

-WHERE -- WHERE DID SHE READ THAT?

-I DON'T KNOW. -I DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE'S --

-7-5-2.

-LOOK AT THIS RALLY. -SMASH IT!

-THERE'S THE SMASH. -RIGHT THERE!

-OH! -HE DIDN'T HAVE IT.

-WHEW! -THE POWER!

-THAT'S THE CHAMP.

THAT'S THE SUGAR RAY WE KNOW AND LOVE.

THE CHAMP IS BACK!

-OH, HE LOVES IT, TOO.

-EMMA'S SERVE. -THAT MADE UP

FOR A COUPLE OF WHIFFS.

-NICE SHOT.

-ALRIGHT. -5-7-1.

-IT'S ALL ON WATSON'S STURDY SHOULDERS.

-5 SERVING 7.

5 SERVING 7.

-NICE [INDISTINCT]. -THAT'S IT.

-OOH, IT WAS IN.

[ OOHS AND APPLAUSE ]

-WHAT ANTICIPATION.

-5 SMOKING7.

-A ONE-TWO PUNCH WITH EMMA AND SUGAR.

-THEY'VE GOT A TON OF CHEMISTRY.

THE CROWD IS ROOTING FOR THEM.

THE ONLY QUESTION, THOUGH, IS CAN THEY PULL THIS OFF?

-BUT HANG ON, CARI. NOT SO FAST.

THERE'S A FLAG ON THE PLAY HERE.

-WHAT HAPPENED? -OKAY. OH, IT'S GREAT.

BUT YOU HAD TO LET THE BALL BOUNCE

-IT BOUNCED TWICE. -FOR THAT SECOND BOUNCE. -TWICE?

-OUR LINE JUDGE POINTING OUT THAT LEONARD DID NOT

LET THE SERVE RETURN BOUNCE.

THEY LOSE THE POINT.

SERVE TO LEONARD.

-ALRIGHT, HERE WE GO. 5-7-2.

-I WANT TO POINT OUT, MY FRIENDS,

THAT IS THE SECOND OUTFIT FOR EMMA WATSON TONIGHT.

-SOME PEOPLE CAME PREPARED.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANOTHER JACKET, DID YOU?

-I DO, ACTUALLY.

I HAVE A DARKER GREEN JACKET,

IN CASE I BLOW THROUGH THIS ONE.

-[ LAUGHS ]

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

-AAH! -OH!

WHAT A PLAY BY SUGAR!

-SUGAR RAY LEONARD GOES SKY HIGH

WITH THE LOB! A TRICKY SHOT,

BUT, OF COURSE, HE MAKES IT LOOK EASY.

-YOU GUYS HAVE A NICE LITTLE MOMENT. -OH, NO, WE'RE

-IT'S A NICE MOMENT. -GOING TO BEAT YOU.

WE'RE GOING TO CATCH UP AND WE'RE GOING TO WIN.

-THIS IS WHERE THE STORY CHANGES. -WATCH THIS.

-DIERKS IS TRYING TO GET IN THEIR HEADS,

BUT EMMA, SHE'S NOT HAVING IT, AND I LIKE IT.

THE VALLEY RANCHERS ARE DOWN 6-7.

LEONARD HAS THE SERVE.

-I WANT TO SAY, WILL FERRELL'S GIVING ME --

HE'S OFFERING ME A PICKLE RIGHT NOW.

MAY I HAVE IT, WILL? -NO, DON'T EAT IT.

THE CAMERA GUY SAID REALLYDON'T EAT IT.

EVIDENTLY, THAT WAS A PROP PICKLE

BEING USED FOR A PHOTO SHOOT A LITTLE LATER TODAY.

TOO BAD. LOOKED TASTY. -[ LAUGHS ]

-SERVE GOING BACK TO PHIL AND DIERKS.

-NICE.

-[ GRUNTS ]

[ CHEERING ]

OH!

OH.

OH.

[ CHEERING ]

OUT, OUT, OUT!

-LEONARD JUST BARELY MISSING THERE.

-HE'S OUT. -THESE GUYS ARE TOUGH.

-LET'S FINISH IT OFF. -EVERYTHING YOU GOT.

-8-6-1.

OUT.

[ APPLAUSE ] -OUT, OUT.

-8-6-2.

IT HAPPENS. -8-6-2.

-OH, HIGH. -HOW ABOUT THAT ONE?

-HIGH SERVE.

DIERKS LOFTING BALL.

DIFFERENT LOOK. INTERESTING.

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

[ OHHS ] -POINT. -YEAH.

-ALRIGHT, BILL, THAT PAYS OFF.

WHEN HARRY NET RALLY UP 9-6. -LET'S DO THIS.

ON YOUR SERVE.

-NOW, WE GOT THIS. -WE GOT IT.

-VOLLEY RANCHERS HAVE TO DIG DOWN.

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

[ OHHS ]

-PRETTY IMPRESSIVE.

-BENTLEY IS UNBEATABLE UP THERE, SO STRONG AT THE KITCHEN LINE.

[ OHHS ]

-OKAY, THIS IS INTERESTING. IT'S MATCH POINT,

BUT EMMA IS CALLING FOR A TIME-OUT,

A CHANCE TO REGROUP, POSSIBLY.

-OKAY, GUYS!

-EMMA! -WOW! WATSON AND LEONARD

APPEALING TO THE CROWD.

-WE GOT TO WIN 4 OR 5 POINTS IN A ROW.

WE'RE GOING TO NEED EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU

TO BE ON OUR SIDE, OKAY?

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ] WE NEED EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU

TO BE HERE FOR US, YES.

-OKAY. -[BLEEP] THESE GUYS.

WE HAVE TO WIN!

I WANT TO HEAR "EMMA AND RAY!

EMMA AND RAY!"

-THAT IS GOODWILL AMBASSADORSHIP IN ACTION.

-PRETTY IMPRESSIVE NOTE, STEVE.

-IT'S JUST SO SAD. THERE'S ONE POINT LEFT.

I'M SERVING. IT'S GOING TO BE OVER.

ALL IN VAIN.

GOING TO BE A WASTE OF TIME FOR THEM.

-PERSONALLY, I'M PULLING FOR EMMA AND SUGAR RAY.

I REALLY WANT TO SEE WHAT HER THIRD OUTFIT COULD BE.

-[ LAUGHS ] -MY MONEY'S ON JUMPSUIT.

-MATCH POINT.

-YOURS.

-OH! -OH, YES.

STAYING ALIVE.

THEY'RE STILL IN THIS.

-MY BAD SET YOU UP THERE.

-THAT WAS A HARD STAREDOWN FROM HER.

-YEAH. -EMMA!

-EMMA STARING THEM DOWN.

SHE IS LOCKED IN.

-ALRIGHT, HERE WE GO. -[ CHANTING ] EMMA! EMMA!

EMMA! EMMA! EMMA! -6-2.

-HERE WE GO. -NOW, THEY GOT A WHOLE SERVE

TO GET BACK IN THIS.

-OKAY.

[ OHHS AND APPLAUSE ]

-SECOND SERVER.

-PHIL AND DIERKS FEELING THEMSELVES A LITTLE BIT.

-NO ONE WANTS YOU TO WIN.

-[ LAUGHS ] I DO.

-I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

-I GOT TWO PEOPLE. -6-10-2.

-[ TRILLS ]

-IRON EAGLE.

[ OHHS ] DAMN!

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

-7-10.

[ LAUGHS ] -7-10-2.

-WHAT IS ON THE LINE, BILL?

WHAT ARE THEY PLAYING FOR?

-WELL, THE STEPHEN CUP.

-[ LAUGHS ] -STEPHEN COLBERT.

-THE COLBERT CUP, BILL.

THE STEPHEN CUP IS WHAT I'M WEARING,

IN CASE I GET HIT BY ONE OF THE BALLS.

-OKAY. OKAY. -[ LAUGHS ]

UH-OH.

STAY AT THE NET,

RIGHT BEHIND THE KITCHEN LINE.

[ OHHS ]

-OOH!

-ALRIGHT, LET'S DO THIS. -10-7-1.

-LET'S FINISH IT OFF. -EVERYTHING YOU GOT.

-PHIL SERVING MATCH POINT. -COME ON, PHIL.

OOH!

OOH! -OH, IS SHE GOOD.

-[ GRUNTS ] -OH!

-POINT, GAME.

-SUGAR COMES UP EMPTY.

WHAT A LOW BLOW FOR HIM.

AND THAT ENDS THE MATCH.

-YOU ARE KILLER.

OH, MY GOD. I LOVE HOW COMPETITIVE

YOU BOTH ARE. -YOU ARE.

YOU STARED ME DOWN THERE. -HOLY HELL.

-YOU STARED MEDOWN.

-BILL, CARI, A GRIPPING MATCH THERE.

WATSON AND LEONARD FOUGHT HONORABLY,

BUT, ULTIMATELY, K.O.'d BY PHIL AND DIERKS,

WHO ARE STANDING BY IN THE OOFOS RECOVERY LOUNGE.

-HOW DOES IT FEEL, GUYS?!

LOOK WHO'S GOING TO THE FINALS!

-HOW DID THIS EVEN HAPPEN?

-I HAVE NO IDEA.

-IT'S JUST ALL A BLUR.

-YEAH. -SUGAR RAY LEONARD WAS

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COURT, SMASHING THOSE THINGS,

AND EMMA, I MEAN, THE LOOK IN HER EYE.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I WAS INTIMIDATED.

-SHE WAS SHOOTING DAGGERS.

I MEAN, SHE WAS SHOOTING LIKE JUST STAREDOWNS.

-DIERKS, PHIL, DO YOU HAVE A PLAN?

-TO WIN. -OKAY. -YEAH.

-YEAH. -THERE IT IS. KEEP IT SIMPLE.

-GOOD LUCK, BOYS. -THANK YOU.

-THANK YOU. -NOT GOING TO NEED IT,

BUT THANKS. -STEPHEN.

-THANK YOU, JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS.

HOW'S IT GOING AT HOME?

HAVE YOU WON YOUR FAMILY "PICKLED" BRACKET YET?

WELL, AFTER YOU COLLECT FROM YOUR CHILDREN AND GRANDMA,

HOW ABOUT PAYING IT FORWARD BY VISITING...

...AND COMING THEM IN ON SOME OF THAT SWEET, SWEET ACTION?

NEXT UP, WILL FERRELL AND TIG NOTARO

FACE DIERKS BENTLEY AND PHIL KEOGHAN

IN THE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH.

PLUS, AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW

WITH THE QUEEN OF DINK HERSELF...

THE COLBERT CUP IS ON THE LINE.

...WILL CONTINUE.

♪♪

-...WILL CONTINUE.

THIS IS CBS. ♪♪

♪♪

-WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

A LIGHT RAIN IS NOW FALLING

AS WE AWAIT OUR CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH,

BUT IT GAVE ME A CHANCE TO SIT DOWN

WITH ONE OF OUR TOUGHEST COMPETITORS -- EMMA WATSON.

SHE GAVE EVERYTHING SHE HAD TODAY.

PUT ON A HECK OF A SHOW.

SHE JOINS ME IN THE PERGOLA.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M HONORED TO BE SITTING HERE

WITH A WOMAN WHOM MANY HAVE CALLED THE QUEEN OF DINK.

-WOW!

PEOPLE HAVE BEEN SAYING THAT?

-EMMA WATSON. EMMA, TELL ME, HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

YOU PLAYED SO BEAUTIFULLY TODAY.

THERE'S A LOT OF CHATTER HERE AT "PICKLED" THAT,

WIN OR LOSE, YOU'RE OUR MVP TODAY.

-REALLY?! -ABSOLUTELY.

-THAT'S GOING TO MAKE ME CRY.

[ LAUGHS ] -NOT ONLY -- NOT ONLY

WITH THE FEROCITY OF YOUR PLAY...

-YES. -...THE FIRE IN THE BELLY...

-YES. -...BUT THE GRACE AND THE STYLE

YOU BROUGHT TO THE PLAY TODAY. -UGH, STEPHEN!

-I MEAN, YOU MAY NOT HAVE WON THE ENTIRE THING,

BUT, ULTIMATELY, YOU WON SOMETHING HIGHER,

AND THAT'S THE HEARTS AND MINDS OF THIS AUDIENCE TONIGHT.

-I HAD, HONESTLY, THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

LIKE GETTING TO PLAY A SPORT WITH SUGAR RAY LEONARD.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? -THE CHAMP.

-I BROUGHT EVERYTHING TO THIS.

-WELL -- -IT WAS PERSONAL.

-EMMA -- -IT WAS VERY PERSONAL.

-YOU MAY NOT HAVE WON TONIGHT...

-I KNOW, I KNOW. -IN A LARGER SENSE...

BUT YOU COULD STILL BE A WINNER, IN THE END, BECAUSE, OBVIOUSLY,

WE'RE GOING TO SUBMIT TONIGHT'S SPECIAL FOR AN EMMY.

-STOP. -WE HAVE PREPARED FOR YOU

A MONOLOGUE.

IT'LL BE IN THE PROMPTER, LIKE ALL THE BEST MONOLOGUES ARE.

-OKAY. WOW. -WOULD YOU LIKE TO GIVE IT A SHOT?

-[ LAUGHING ] I WOULD LOVE TO GIVE IT A SHOT.

-OKAY, SO, LET'S LET'S GET HER PREPPED OVER THERE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AND NOW, SWINGING FOR THE FENCES...

[ SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS ] -MUM TO DEREK.

MUM TO DEREK. DO YOU READ ME, SON?

I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.

WE BOTH KNEW IT WAS A ONE-WAY TICKET

WHEN I SIGNED UP FOR THIS MISSION.

I CAME TO DEEP SPACE TO FIND ALIEN LIFE,

BUT I FOUND SOMETHING EVEN MORE MYSTERIOUS AND WONDERFUL.

I WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR MOTHER.

BUT I AM MORE THAN THAT.

IT TOOK SPACE FOR ME TO FIND ME.

SO, WHENEVER YOU MISS ME,

JUST GAZE INTO THE STARS

AND KNOW THAT, SOMEWHERE UP THERE...

...MY FROZEN BODY

IS LOOKING DOWN ON YOU AND SMILING.

OR GRIMACING.

GUESS IT DEPENDS ON THE FACE I MAKE WHEN I FREEZE TO DEATH.

YEAH.

LOVE, MUM.

[ HUSHED ] OVER.

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

-WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS IT.

THE ROAD TO THE FINALS HAS BROUGHT US ALL HERE,

TO THIS DAY, THIS CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH,

THIS MOMENT TOGETHER.

THE COURT'S BEEN ZAMBONI'D,

OUR AUDIENCE IS KNAWING EXCITEDLY

ON THEIR COMPLIMENTARY CLAUSSEN PICKLE SPEARS,

AND ME?

ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT, BILL, CARI.

THIS IS EXCITING. I NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE HERE.

-LIKE HOW CLOSE TO THE EDGE?

-LIKE ONLY ONE BUTT CHEEK IS STILL ON

THE SEAT. [ LAUGHTER ]

-THANKS, STEVE. IT IS TIME FOR OUR CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH!

WE BEGIN!

DIERKS HAS THE SERVE.

-THIS ONE'S FOR ALL THE PICKLES.

-READY?

-0-0-2!

-I THINK [INDISTINCT] THE KITCHEN.

-WHOA! -SIDE OUT.

[ WHISTLING ]

-PHIL KEOGHAN THROWS AWAY THE ADVANTAGE RIGHT THERE.

-OKAY.

-BILL, YOU THINK THIS MATCH WILL BE WON IN THE KITCHEN?

-I DO. HARRY NET RALLY --

THEY'RE VERY GOOD GETTING TO THE LINE.

YOU CAN SEE RIGHT HERE.

-SOME GRADE A PICKLING HERE. NO SURPRISE.

THESE ARE, APPARENTLY, THE TWO BEST TEAMS.

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ] -NICE.

-SECOND SERVER. -PUNISHMENT DOWN THE MIDDLE.

RIGHT? THE PUNISHMENT DOWN THE MIDDLE.

-WILL GETS JAMMED UP. COSTLY MISTAKE.

GOT TO GET CLOSER TO THAT LINE, WILL.

DIERKS AND PHIL TAKE ADVANTAGE.

-0-0-2.

-PUSHED BACK INTO THAT BACK COURT. -SIDE OUT.

[ WHISTLING ]

-WHERE DID THE CHEERING GO?

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ] -WHERE DID IT GO?

-TIG AND WILL LOOKING FOR SOME SUPPORT FROM THE CROWD,

HYPING THEM UP. -0-0-1.

-[ CHANTING ] LET'S GO, TIG!

LET'S GO, TIG! -THE CROWD IS CHANTING FOR TIG.

HARD TO SAY IF IT'S BECAUSE THEY WANT TO

OR BECAUSE THEY WERE TOLD TO.

-THAT WAS CLOSE, BUT A LITTLE LONG FROM TIG,

AND SHE KNOWS IT, TOO.

-THE SCORE?

-1-0-1?

-IF I HIT HIM, DOES IT COUNT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

-RIGHT HERE. -RIGHT HERE.

[ OHHS AND APPLAUSE ]

-HARRY NET RALLY, 2.

PARTY TILL YOU CUKE, 0.

-GO EASY ON ME, DIERKS.

-SORRY. I DIDN'T TRY TO DO THAT.

-2-0-1.

-DIERKS WITH THE SERVE.

WILL'S RETURN IS NICE.

-YEAH, HE'S REALLY DONE --

LOOK AT THIS. -OH.

-WHERE THERE'S A WILL FERRELL'S WILL,

THERE'S A WAY.

LET'S BREAK AWAY FROM THE ACTION.

QUICK MESSAGE FROM JAIME CAMIL AND AISHA TYLER.

-TO EVERYONE WATCHING RIGHT NOW, THE BALL IS IN YOUR COURT.

-YEAH, SO, PLEASE, GO DONATE NOW

TO HELP CHANGE THE LIFE OF A CHILD.

-GO TO...

-REALLY APPRECIATE THOSE TWO LOSING FOR A GOOD CAUSE TODAY.

SPEAKING OF LOSING, BACK TO THE FINAL,

WHERE DIERKS AND PHIL HAVE TAKEN A COMMANDING 6-0 LEAD.

MAKE THAT 7-0.

-WOW! I AM SHOCKED. THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE,

WHAT WE'RE WATCHING RIGHT NOW. -DID NOT SEE THIS COMING.

-I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING.

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE, WHAT WE'RE WATCHING.

WILL AND TIG, FORMIDABLE. -MM.

WOW. -FORMIDABLE!

AND, YET, WE'RE WATCHING THEM -TIG JUST WATCHED THAT ONE

WALK BY. -BE PICKED APART.

-8-0-2. -OUT!

-PHIL SERVING. -WE CALL IT OUT.

-A LONG WAY TO GO AT 8-0.

-I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT PARTY TIL YOU CUKE

WILL NOT SCORE.

-[ GRUNTS ] -OH, GOD.

-OOH. [ OHHS AND APPLAUSE ]

-WILL IS JUST NOT COORDINATED.

DO YOU THINK, PERHAPS... -FATIGUE.

-...HE'S -- YES, IT'S SET IN. -FATIGUE.

-THIS IS ALL ABOUT CONDITIONING, AT THIS POINT.

-IS NOW A GOOD TIME TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT GETTING A MOVIE?

-YEAH, I DON'T -- I MEAN, IF WE START GETTING SOME POINTS...

-INTERESTING. WILL SEEMS TO BE DANGLING

A MOVIE ROLE FOR DIERKS,

IN EXCHANGE FOR SOME POINTS HERE.

-9-0-2. -QUID PRO QUO. I LIKE IT.

[ OHHS AND APPLAUSE ] -NICE. -KEOGHAN TAKES THE BAIT.

-SIDE OUT. -THAT WAS NOT GOOD.

-[ LAUGHS ]

-THAT WAS TERRIBLE.

-YEAH. -THAT WAS TERRIBLE, PHIL.

-LET'S GO, PHIL!

-[ CHANTING ] LET'S GO, TIG! -BOY.

-LET'S GO, TIG!

LET'S GO, TIG!

LET'S GO, TIG! WHEN HARRY NET RALLY, 9.

PARTY TIL YOU CUKE, 0.

-I'D LOVE TO SEE THEM GET ON THE BOARD HERE.

-THEY AT LEAST HAVE TO GET ON THE BOARD.

-YEAH!

YEAH!

-NO! -OH!

[ OHHS AND APPLAUSE ] -POINT!

-WE GOT A POINT. -BABE, WE'RE BACK.

-WE'RE BACK.

WE ARE BACK!

-I LIKE IT, WILL. INDEED, THEY ARE.

THANKS TO WILL'S BACKHAND.

KEOGHAN JUST COULDN'T HANDLE IT.

WILL WITH THE SERVE.

-1-9-1.

[ CHEERING ]

-SORRY. HE SET YOU UP.

HE SET YOU UP! -WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

-LOOK WHAT HE DID! HE SET YOU UP!

-WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

YOU KNEW I DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE.

-WITH A PARTNER LIKE WILL, YOU DON'T EVEN NEED AN OPPONENT.

I MEAN, HE JUST SET YOU UP LIKE THAT, SO BAD. -[ LAUGHS ]

-I EXPECTED MORE OF YOU.

-TIG HAS THE SERVE NOW.

TEAM IS DOWN 1-9.

[ CHEERING ] -THERE YOU GO.

-OH! -OOH!

[ WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE ] -POINT.

-DOWN THE MIDDLE, SOLVE THE RIDDLE.

-SOLVE THE RIDDLE.

-STILL ALIVE.

-THEY ARE STILL ALIVE.

THEY WILL NOT GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT.

WE ARE WATCHING A COMEBACK, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

BILL, WHAT'S THE SCORE?

-2, SERVER. 9, RECEIVER.

-NICE. -OUT. -YES.

-GOT EXCITED. -POINT.

-WOW, THAT WAS BAD.

-THEY'RE STARTING TO CRUMBLE.

-LONG WAY TO GO.

-THAT WASN'T GOOD, DIERKS.

-2-9-2.

-[ LAUGHING ] 2-9-2.

-2-9-3 NOW.

-OKAY, HERE WE GO. HERE WE GO.

-KEOGHAN NEEDS TO GET CLOSER TO THAT KITCHEN LINE

AND STAY THERE. -THIS IS WHERE THE -- OOH!

-WOW, THEY DID TALK.

-TIG. -THEY DID TALK.

-[ LAUGHING ] LOOK AT TIG.

THE LOOK. -ALMOST.

-THAT HURTS, TO SEE THE LACK OF CONNECTION BETWEEN YOU TWO.

THAT BREAKS MY HEART A LITTLE BIT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

-SIDE OUT. -NO, NO.

-SORRY, BABE. -I'MSORRY, BABE.

-TWO POINTS AWAY.

-9-3-1. -OKAY, HERE WE GO.

-STAY BACK, STAY BACK.

STAY BACK, STAY BACK.

-ON THE LINE.

-NICE.

-WHOO!

-NICE.

NICE.

-OH! -THAT MIDDLE THING

IS THE PROBLEM.

-OOPS, THEY DID IT AGAIN.

DIERKS PUTS IT RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE.

IT'S ALMOST AS IF DIERKS BENTLEY

IS TRYINGTO WIN THIS. -GUYS! GUYS!

-BACK TO THE COURT. -YOU'VE SEEN MY WEAKNESS.

DON'T GO AFTER IT. -WELL, HONESTLY,

THE FOREHAND SHOULD BE COMING OVER TO CATCH --

POACHING, GOT TO POACH THAT.

-I DON'T KNOW IF MY MIC IS ON, BUT TIG IS A HORRIBLE PARTNER.

-OH, I SEE. WILL'S PLAYING THE BLAME GAME.

I GET IT. -THANKS, BABE.

-WHO PAIRED ME WITH TIG?!

OH!

-GAME POINT RIGHT HERE.

-HERE WE ARE WITH DIERKS AND PHIL.

SERVING FOR THE CHAMPIONSHIP.

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

-YOURS. -GET 'EM, WILL!

-THERE WE GO. -OOH!

-LOOK AT THAT. OH, YEAH! -OOH!

-THERE YOU GO. OH, YEAH!

[ OHHS AND APPLAUSE ]

-THAT'S IT.

[ FIREWORKS EXPLODING ] HOLY SHOOT!

HOLY FARKING SHOOT!

-[ LAUGHS ]

-I'M SORRY!

-WHEN HARRY NET RALLY.

THE CHAMPIONS!

-WOW. -THEY MAY HAVE ICED THE KICKER.

-THEY MAY HAVE, BUT I THINK THEY WERE ICED A LONG TIME AGO.

-UNBELIEVABLE. THIS IS ONE

FOR THE RECORD BOOKS AND THE HISTORY BOOKS.

SEND THIS TAPE RIGHT TO THE SMITHSONIAN.

-I THOUGHT THEY WERE SAYING PHIL AND, ALL THIS TIME,

I JUST FOUND OUT IT WAS WILL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

-WHEN WE COME BACK,

THE PRESENTATION OF THE COVETED COLBERT CUP.

♪♪

"PICKLED" WILL CONTINUE.

THIS IS CBS. ♪♪

[ MARCH PLAYS ]

-WELCOME BACK TO "PICKLED."

TODAY, WE'VE BORNE WITNESS TO MOMENTS OF COURAGE,

DEVASTATING HEARTBREAK...

[ OHHS ]

...RAW EMOTION.

BUT ABOVE ALL,

THE TRIUMPH OF ENDURANCE, FORTITUDE, AND GRACE.

NOW, PLEASE WELCOME TO CENTER COURT,

FOR THE PRESENTATION OF THE COLBERT CUP,

MR. STEPHEN COLBERT.

-THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

PLEASE SIT DOWN.

[ LAUGHTER ] BEFORE I BESTOW THIS TROPHY

UPON OUR TOURNAMENT'S CHAMPIONS,

I JUST WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE HARD WORK,

RESILIENCE, AND DEDICATION OF MY FELLOW BROADCASTERS,

CARI CHAMPION,

BILL RAFTERY,

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS,

AND, OF COURSE,

HALF-SOUR HARVEY.

WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT? LOOK AT THAT.

HALF-SOUR HARVEY'S GOT HIMSELF A PAIR OF OOFOS.

AND IS IT JUST ME

OR DOES HIS MOOD SEEM SIGNIFICANTLY BRIGHTER?

TALK ABOUT THAT OOFOS RECOVERY.

HARV IS FEELING THE OO.

I LOVE YOU, HARVEY.

YOU DESERVE EVERY HAPPINESS IN THE WORLD.

WELL, WE'VE MADE HISTORIC TELEVISION HERE TODAY

AND WE SHOULD ALL BE PROUD.

AND, AT THIS TIME, I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE A MUCH SMALLER TROPHY

THAN THIS ONE TO OUR RUNNERS UP, TIG NOTARO AND WILL FERRELL.

COME ON IN.

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ] -YOU'RE GOING TO WANT THIS.

-THANK YOU VERY MUCH. -YEAH.

[ LAUGHS ] -HERE YOU GO.

-THAT'S THE ONE WE WANTED.

-IT'S THE NOT FIRST PLACE TROPHY.

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU DID YOUR BEST.

IT WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH

AND THIS TROPHY'S REALLY JUST A REMINDER OF THAT.

-WE'RE SIMPLY NOT THE BEST.

-AND, IF YOU GUYS COULD GO,

I GOT TO GIVE THE BIG TROPHY TO THE PEOPLE WHO WON.

-[ LAUGHS ]

-THANK YOU. OFF YOU GO.

AND NOW, THE CHAMPIONS OF "PICKLED" 2022 --

PHIL KEOGHAN AND DIERKS BENTLEY!

-YES! -GENTLEMEN.

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

[ TRIUMPHANT TUNE SOARS ]

♪♪

CONGRATULATIONS, ONCE AGAIN,

TO PHIL KEOGHAN AND DIERKS BENTLEY,

AND TO ALL THE STARS WHO WORKED SO VALIANTLY

TO TURN THIS HOBBY INTO A SPORT WORTHY OF A TELEVISED SPECIAL.

AND TO YOU, THE VIEWERS AT HOME, FOR DONATING TO COMIC RELIEF.

REMEMBER, EVEN THOUGH OUR TOURNAMENT MAY BE OVER,

YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO GIVE LIVES ON.

FROM EVERYONE HERE AT "PICKLED," THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.

♪♪

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