All language subtitles for Pickled (2022)

[ CHEERING, WHISTLING,
AND APPLAUSE ]

Downloaded from
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♪♪

Official HQCINEMAS movies site:
HQCINEMAS.COM

♪♪

♪♪

-TONIGHT, THE PICKLEBALL
REVOLUTION WILL BE TELEVISED

AS 16 OF THE WORLD'S
MOST POPULAR ENTERTAINERS:

JIMMIE ALLEN,
MURRAY BARTLETT,

DIERKS BENTLEY,
JAIME CAMIL,

WILL FERRELL,
MAX GREENFIELD,

LUIS GUZMAN,
PHIL KEOGHAN,

DANIEL DAE KIM,
SUGAR RAY LEONARD,

TIG NOTARO,
JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL,

KELLY ROWLAND,
PAUL SCHEER,

AISHA TYLER,
AND EMMA WATSON

WILL GO HEAD TO HEAD, TOE TO TOE
AND PADDLE TO PADDLE.

STEPHEN COLBERT
AND "FUNNY OR DIE"

PRESENT "PICKLED," A PICKLEBALL
TOURNAMENT FOR COMIC RELIEF.

AND NOW YOUR HOST,
STEPHEN COLBERT.

-HELLO, EVERYBODY.
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT

AND WELCOME TO "PICKLED."

WE'RE HERE
AT SHERWOOD COUNTRY CLUB

IN BEAUTIFUL
THOUSAND OAKS, CALIFORNIA,

A CITY WHERE
THEY COUNT THEIR TREES.

TODAY, WE HAVE
A FRONT ROW SEAT

TO A CELEBRITY PICKLEBALL
TOURNAMENT UNLIKE ANY OTHER.

MOSTLY BECAUSE
THERE HAVEN'T BEEN ANY OTHERS.

WE'VE GOT STARS
OF THE SILVER SCREEN,

MUSIC, AND TELEVISION --
ICONS ALL.

BUT THEY'VE ALL PUT ASIDE
THEIR BUSY SCHEDULE

OF INSTAGRAM BEEFS AND GAINING
MUSCLE TO PORTRAY SUPERHEROES

TO PLAY PICKLEBALL TONIGHT.

THEY'RE PLAYING FOR PRIDE,
FOR HONOR,

AND FOR THE RIGHT TO HOIST
THE COVETED COLBERT CUP.

♪♪

NOW, SOME OF YOU
MAY BE THINKING,

STEVE, WHAT IS PICKLEBALL?

WELL, IMAGINE TENNIS
AND BADMINTON

WERE IN A LOVING,
COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP,

BUT IT HAD BEEN A FEW YEARS
AND THE SPARK WAS GONE.

SO THEY DECIDED TO INVITE
PING-PONG

INTO THE MIX ONE NIGHT.

IT WAS BADMINTON'S IDEA,
AND TENNIS WAS LIKE,

"OKAY, IF IT MAKES YOU HAPPY,

I JUST HOPE
THIS DOESN'T GET WEIRD."

BUT WEIRD GET IT DID.

AND NINE MONTHS LATER,
THEY HAD A BEAUTIFUL,

BOUNCING BABY SPORT
WITH A SMALLER COURT,

A WIFFLE BALL
AND WOODEN PADDLES.

TONIGHT, I'VE GOT A BIRD'S-EYE
VIEW OF THE ACTION

FROM MY LUXURIOUS PERGOLA.

BUT CLOSER TO THE ACTION
AND DEFINITELY FURTHER AWAY

FROM THE AIR CONDITIONING ARE
TODAY'S "PICKLED" COMMENTATORS,

LEGENDARY SPORTS ANALYST
BILL RAFTERY

AND OUR VERY OWN CHAMPION,
CARI CHAMPION.

THEY'RE HERE TO GIVE YOU
THE PLAY BY PLAY OF

HOW WE'LL PLAY TODAY.
BILL, CARI?

-THANKS, STEVE.

FOR STARTERS,
THE PICKLEBALL COURT

IS SMALLER THAN A TENNIS COURT,
JUST 44 FEET BY 20 FEET.

EACH SIDE IS DIVIDED
INTO THREE ZONES,

TWO SERVICE COURTS AND AN ON
VOLLEY ZONE CALLED THE KITCHEN.

EACH POINT BEGINS
WITH AN UNDERHAND

SERVE TO THE OPPOSING CORNER,

WHICH MUST CLEAR THE NET
AND THE KITCHEN.

-THEN BOTH TEAMS MUST LET
THE BALL BOUNCE IN THEIR COURT

BEFORE RETURNING IT
FOR A VOLLEY.

BUT BE CAREFUL:
NO IN-THE-AIR VOLLEYS

CAN BE HIT
WHILE STANDING IN THE KITCHEN.

EACH TEAM MEMBER WILL SERVE

BEFORE THE SERVE MOVES ON
TO THE OTHER TEAM.

NOW, KEEP IN MIND, POINTS ARE
SCORED ONLY BY THE SERVING TEAM.

A POINT IS WON
BY EITHER HITTING A WINNER

OR THE OPPOSING TEAM
HITS THE NET,

A SHOT OUTSIDE THE LINE,
OR IF THE BALL BOUNCES TWICE.

THE TEAM WHO FIRST GETS TO
11 POINTS WINS THE GAME.

THINGS ARE GOING TO GET HEATED

AS WE WATCH WINNERS MOVE ON
AND LOSERS MOVE OUT

IN TODAY'S BRACKET STYLE
DOUBLES TOURNAMENT.

ALSO, EACH TEAM
WILL BE ALLOTTED ONE TIMEOUT

FOR WHATEVER THEY MAY NEED:

HYDRATION,
CALLS TO A PUBLICIST,

OR A CHANCE TO UNWIND
AND RECHARGE

WITH A REFRESHINGLY COLD
AND CRUNCHY CLAUSSEN PICKLE.

-A MOMENT THEY'LL SURELY WANT
TO RELISH. STEVE?

-NOW LET'S SAY HI
TO OUR SIDELINE REPORTER,

THE HARDEST WORKING MEMBER
OF OUR "PICKLED" CREW,

STRANDED OUT THERE ALL ALONE IN
THE BLAZING CALIFORNIA SUN,

MY DEAR FRIEND AND SoulCycle
EMERGENCY CONTACT

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS.

WHAT'S HAPPENING
BEHIND THE SCENES,

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS?
-OH, GOSH,

I'VE SEEN ALL KINDS OF THINGS.

EMMA WATSON IS GETTING
IN THE ZONE.

SUGAR RAY LEONARD STRETCHING

THOSE GOLD-MEDAL-WINNING
LIGAMENTS.

WILL FERRELL
IS AGGRESSIVELY HYDRATING,

JUST TAKING THOSE ELECTROLYTES
STRAIGHT TO HIS FACE.

-I GOT DOWN THE WRONG PIPE.

-HE REALLY WANTS THIS, STEVE.

-THANK YOU, MY FRIEND.
-STEVE, CAN I GET A DRINK?

-I SAID THANK YOU, MY FRIEND.

BUT BEFORE WE GET
TO OUR FIRST MATCH,

THE REASON WE'RE ALL HERE
IS TO SUPPORT COMIC RELIEF.

AND WE WOULD LOVE YOU
TO GO TO COMICRELIEF.ORG

AND DONATE DURING THE SHOW

BECAUSE ALL THE MONEY YOU GIVE
WILL GO TOWARD KEEPING KIDS

AND FAMILIES SAFE HERE IN
THE U.S. AND AROUND THE WORLD,

WHETHER THAT'S KIDS
WHO NEED A PLACE TO CALL HOME

OR KIDS IN DANGER
WHEN DISASTER HITS.

JUST USE THE PHONE THAT IS
PROBABLY ALREADY IN YOUR HAND

AND GO TO COMICRELIEF.ORG
AND GIVE.

-AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

PLEASE RISE FOR THE SINGING
OF OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM.

OUR HOST, TRIPLE THREAT
STEPHEN COLBERT,

WILL BE ACCOMPANIED
BY GRAMMY AWARD WINNING

SINGER AND SONGWRITER,

A CITIZEN OF BOTH
THE DANGER ZONE

AND POOH CORNER,

MR. KENNY LOGGINS.

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

-♪ OH, SAY, CAN YOU SEE

♪ BY THE DAWN'S EARLY LIGHT

♪ WHAT SO PROUDLY WE HAILED

♪ AT THE TWILIGHT'S
LAST GLEAMING ♪

♪ WHOSE BROAD STRIPES
AND BRIGHT STARS ♪

♪ THROUGH THE PERILOUS FIGHT

♪ O'ER THE RAMPARTS WE WATCHED

♪ WERE SO GALLANT STREAMING

♪ AND ROCKETS' RED GLARE

♪ THE BOMBS BURSTING
IN AIR ♪

♪ GAVE PROOF
THROUGH THE NIGHT ♪

♪ THAT OUR FLAG
WAS STILL THERE ♪

♪ OH, SAY, DOES THAT STAR
SPANGLED BANNER ♪

♪ YET WAVE

♪ O'ER THE LAND OF THE FREE

♪ AND THE HOME

♪ OF THE BRAVE

[ APPLAUSE ]

-PICKLEBALL!

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

-OKAY, AMERICA, ARE YOU READY
FOR SOME PICKLEBALL?

CARI, TELL US ABOUT OUR FIRST
MATCH UP.

-SHE'S AN ACTRESS, GRAMMY AWARD
WINNING RECORDING ARTIST,

SAY HER NAME,
SAY HER NAME,

IT'S KELLY ROWLAND!

HE WON AN EMMY
FOR GETTING USED AND ABUSED

BY THE GUEST OF A LUXURY RESORT
ON HBO'S "THE WHITE LOTUS,"

NOW HE'S GOING TO FACE
THE BACKHANDS OF A NEW CROP

OF GLAMOROUS ECCENTRICS,
IT'S MURRAY BARTLETT!

LET'S GIVE IT UP
FOR DINK FLOYD!

ORIGINALLY FROM MISSISSIPPI,

SHE'S AN EMMY
AND GRAMMY NOMINATED ACTOR,

WRITER AND STAND UP COMEDIAN

WHO RECENTLY JOINED
THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE.

IT'S TIG NOTARO!

THIS 6'3" COMEDIC GENIUS

STARS WITH A 6'2" RYAN REYNOLDS

AND THE NEW MOVIE "SPIRITED."

IN IT'S WILL FERRELL!

TOGETHER, THEY ARE
PARTY TIL YOU CUKE.

-I AM VERY EXCITED.

-I AM VERY HOT --
AND EXCITED TOO.

-YOU KNOW WHY
WE'RE FEELING GOOD?

IT'S CURRENTLY 94 DEGREES HERE
AT THOUSAND OAKS.

IT FEELS LIKE 107.

-FEELS LIKE THIS SHOULD
HAVE BEEN INDOORS.

-ON MY WEATHER APP, IT ALSO SAID
THREAT OF COYOTE ATTACK.

SO THAT WOULD BE A WORST CASE,

IF A BAND OF COYOTES CAME

AND ATTACKED EVERYONE
AS THEY WATCHED PICKLEBALL.

-WE'RE MOMENTS AWAY
FROM THE FIRST-EVER POINT

AT THE FIRST-EVER
CELEBRITY PICKLEBALL TOURNAMENT.

HISTORY IN THE MAKING.

KELLY ROWLAND,
MURRAY BARTLETT,

TIG NOTARO,
WILL FERRELL.

THE ENERGY HERE
IS AS ELECTRIC AS THEIR CARS.

LET'S GO TO CENTER COURT.

-THIS IS ABOUT CELEBRITY.
THIS IS ALL ABOUT CELEBRITY.

-WILL FERRELL ABOUT TO FACE
HIS ACHILLES HEEL,

HIS ACHILLES TENDON.

-THANKS, EVERYBODY.
THANKS FOR COMING OUT.

THANKS, YOU GUYS.
THANK YOU.

-HERE WE GO.

WILL FERRELL SERVING TO
KELLY ROWLAND.

WE'RE UNDERWAY.

-SERVICE IS GOOD --
OH, BUT KELLY MISSES.

-A SMOKER.

-BILL, I'M CHALKING THAT UP
TO THE PRESSURE

OF PLAYING THE VERY FIRST MATCH.

SHE IS THEKELLY ROWLAND,
SO...

-102.

-AND IT'S FERRELL
TO BARTLETT, TO NOTARO,

BACK TO BARTLETT.

TIG TO KELLY.

AND THAT ONE'S OUT.

-WILL AND TIG OFF TO A QUICK
TWO POINT LEAD.

-TIG, THAT'S A LOT OF POWER
IN A LITTLE PACKAGE.

-2 -- 0-2.
-FERRELL DROPS IT IN.

NOW, LOOK AT WILL AT
THE KITCHEN LINE.

-OH!
-IT'S JUST TOO MUCH, FOLKS,

FOR BARTLETT TO RETURN!
-GET OVER THERE.

-ALRIGHT.
-COMING UP TO THAT KITCHEN LINE

PUTS A LITTLE PRESSURE
ON THE OPPONENT.

-GOT IT.
-THAT WAS OUT.

-THAT WAS OUT.

-LOOK AT THIS, WILL FERRELL
CALLING HIS TEAMMATE'S BALL OUT.

SEEMS TO BE SOME CONFUSION.

WELL, THIS IS EXACTLY
WHY WE INSTALLED THE LINE CAM.

AND HE'S RIGHT.

TREMENDOUS VISION AND INTEGRITY
FROM WILL FERRELL.

-ALRIGHT. 0-3-1.

-GOT IT.

-WAY TO GO, WILL.

-LOOK AT THIS.

-OH!

-HE'S IN THE ATTACK MODE.

-FERRELL DID NOT COME TO PLAY.

HE CAME TO PLAY.

-HE'S LEAVING IT
ALL OUT THERE, STEVE.

-I HOPE HE'S STILL GOT SOME LEFT
FOR THE NEXT ROUND

BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING GOOD
FOR PARTY TIL YOU CUKE.

-ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT!
SILENCE IT OUT OVER THERE!

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

-YOU RECOGNIZE THOSE TROUSERS
ON WILL FERRELL, STEVE?

-THEY ARE FROM
THE MOVIE "SEMI-PRO."

-FOOT FAULT.

-I DIDN'T SEE IT.
-LOOK -- WELL, SENSE IT.

-WE SHOULDN'T HAVE A KITCHEN
ON THE COURT.

-SO MUCH PASSION,
SO MUCH EMOTION,

NOT A LOT OF UNDERSTANDING
OF THE RULES.

JOIN US AFTER THE BREAK
FOR THE EPIC CONCLUSION

OF THE FIRST QUARTERFINAL MATCH.

AND THEN AISHA TYLER
AND JAIME CAMIL

SQUARE OFF
AGAINST THE MERRY DUO OF

JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL
AND PAUL SCHEER.

...WILL CONTINUE.

THIS IS CBS.

♪♪

-WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY,
TO "PICKLED."

OUR FIRST QUARTERFINAL MATCH
HAS BEEN FULL OF DASHES,

SMASHES,
AND NO DOUBT A FEW RASHES.

THERE IS A DECENT CHANCE
OF CHAFING OUT THERE.

LET'S GET BACK TO THE ACTION.

SCORE'S 5-4, WILL FERRELL
AND TIG NOTARO

CLINGING TO A ONE-POINT
ADVANTAGE

OVER KELLY ROWLAND
AND MURRAY BARTLETT.

FERRELL SERVING.

-GOT IT.

-A NIFTY LITTLE WINNER
FROM NOTARO --

OH, AND THEN
A RACKET POINT!

SHE'S PUTTING ROWLAND
AND BARTLETT ON NOTICE.

LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK
AT THAT, BILL.

HERE'S THE WINNER.

AND HERE'S THE POINT.

-ROWLAND, FAMOUSLY POLITE.

I WOULDN'T SAY SHE'S RATTLED,
BUT DEFINITELY OFFENDED.

SHE MIGHT FORGIVE,
BUT THERE WILL BE NO FORGETTING.

-OKAY.
-6-4 IN FAVOR OF

FERRELL AND NOTARO.

-THAT WAS CUTE.

-OH, KELLY.
-POINT.

-THAT WAS A NICE RETURN.

-NOW YOU'RE STARTING TO WAKE UP.
-7-4, MOMENTUM WITH

FERRELL AND NOTARO --
BUT LOOK AT THIS!

ROWLAND NOT ROLLING OVER --
A SALUTE, A SHIMMY.

-OKAY.
-FERRELL CLEARLY TAKING NOTICE

OF THE CHILD OF DESTINY.
OOH. BUT THE FOOTWORK,

NOT FANCY ENOUGH FOR THE RETURN.

-YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE ALL
THAT [BLEEP], DID YOU PLAN THAT?

-NOPE!

-OKAY, HERE WE GO.
8-4, TWO.

-A NICE LITTLE RALLY DEVELOPING.

TIG COMING UP TO THE LINE.

AND, OOH, UNFORCED ERROR.

SERVICE GOING BACK TO ROWLAND
AND BARTLETT.

-DON'T WORRY, GUYS. SWEATSHIRTS
WILL BE COMING OUT SOON.

-FERRELL PANDERING TO THE CROWD,
CARI.

WHAT A SMART MOVE.

-ANOTHER GREAT RALLY HERE.
-I GOT IT.

-I GOT IT.
-GOT IT?

-POINT!

-ANOTHER UNFORCED ERROR
BY NOTARO.

-UNFORCED ERROR, OF COURSE,

ONE OF THE BEST
STEVEN SEAGAL FILMS.

HE'S A FORMER NAVY SEAL
TURNED TENNIS PRO

WHO HAS TO SIMULTANEOUSLY
SAVE AND WIN WIMBLEDON.

STREAMING ON PARAMOUNT PLUS.

-NICE.

-OOH, LOOK AT THIS RALLY.
IN THE KITCHEN!

RIGHT IN.
STAY WITH IT, KELLY. COME ON!

-OH! NICE!

-ROWLAND SHOWING
SOME EMOTION THERE,

THROWING THE BALL
DIRECTLY AT TIG'S BACK.

BUT THERE'S THAT WINNING SMILE.

IS IT ENOUGH TO WIN THIS MATCH?
WE'LL SOON FIND OUT.

BUT OVER ON THE PRACTICE COURT,
JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL

IS RUNNING HER HUSBAND,
PAUL SCHEER, AROUND THE COURT.

RAPHAEL SERVING SOME SERIOUS
LOOKS THERE.

MEANWHILE, JAIME CAMIL
AND AISHA TYLER

ARE GETTING DIALED IN.
-[BLEEP]

-OH, CURSING A BLUE STREAK,
BUT LOOKING GREAT DOING IT.

THE WINNER OF THEIR MATCH
WILL FACE OFF

AGAINST THE WINNER OF THE MATCH
CURRENTLY ON CENTER COURT.

MURRAY BARTLETT
IS SERVING, DOWN 6-9.

-POINT.
-DON'T DO THAT.

-DON'T -- DON'T DO THAT.

-YEAH, DON'T DO THAT.
-I TRIPPED -- I SLIPPED.

DON'T -- BUT DON'T DO
WHAT YOU'RE DOING EITHER.

-BUT HE SHOULDN'T BE DOING THAT.

-YES!

-ANOTHER GREAT RALLY.
WHO WILL IT BE?

-THE MAGIC OF PICKLEBALL!

-FERRELL IS LOVING IT.

OH!
-LOOK AT MURRAY WITH A SPIN!

-OH, BUT HITS IT OUT.
ROWLAND WITH A TWIRL.

GOT TO WONDER IF FARRELL'S LOVE
FOR THE GAME DISTRACTED HIM.

LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK.

[ SLOW-MOTION ]
-THE MAGIC OF PICKLEBALL!

-YEAH, HE'S LOVING IT SO MUCH,

HE JUST WATCHED THAT POINT
GET AWAY FROM HIM.

COSTLY.
-I DON'T MEAN THIS

IN A MEAN WAY,
BUT THAT POINT WAS YOUR FAULT.

-BARTLETT IS NOW SERVING TO TIE
IT UP.

-GOT IT.
-YEP.

-YEAH.
-DOWN THE LINE.

BUT, OOH, WAS IT IN?

-LET'S TAKE A LOOK
AT THE LINE CAM.

YEP. THE JAR DOES NOT LIE.

DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO.
THAT WAS IT.

-OUT.
-IT WAS TOO MUCH FOR ROWLAND.

SERVE GOING BACK TO NOTARO
AND FERRELL.

-GREAT, GREAT.
-YOU READY?

-HERE WE GO.

NICE.

-YOU GOT IT?
-GOT IT.

-WE GOT SOME NICE PLAY HERE.

-AND A SLAM FROM BARTLETT.

BUT NOTARY RECOVERS.
AND AGAIN, BUT --

-OOH!
-SORRY, I'M SORRY.

-WHAT WAS THAT?
-RIGHT INTO THE PICKLES

OF BELOVED ICON
WILL FERRELL, CARI.

-LET'S TAKE A CLOSER LOOK.
WOW. TOUGH TO SEE.

AND -- UH-OH,
LOOKS LIKE FERRELL'S

A LITTLE ANGRY THERE.
YOU DON'T WANT THAT.

COULD BE TROUBLE
FOR MURRAY AND KELLY.

-DON'T APOLOGIZE.
DO NOT APOLOGIZE.

-OKAY.
-SORRY.

-NO, I KNOW --
NOW I KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW.

-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
-NOW I KNOW.

-ALRIGHT.
-I'VE GOT SOME ISSUES.

-HE SEEMS NICE
UNTIL YOU GET HIM ON THE COURT.

-OH, MURRAY -- TECH MODE.

-SECOND SERVER.

-9 ALL, FERRELL SERVING.

-FIRST TO 11, WIN BY 2.

WHO WILL IT BE?

-YES!

YOU GOT IT.
-AND JUST LIKE THAT,

WE'RE AT MATCH POINT.

-10-9, TWO.

-FERRELL SERVING.

-IF IT WASN'T FOR THE SCREAM,
YOU COULD HEAR A PIN DROP.

-A NICE DIG FROM WILL.

-DEEP TO THE BASELINE.

BUT BARTLETT IS THERE WITH
THE CROSS-COURT BACKHAND.

NOTARO --
-OH!

-AND THAT'S IT.
NOTARO AND FERRELL WIN IT.

-WE WON.
-WE WON.

I'M GLAD THAT --
STILL HAVE NO IDEA.

-THAT IS APPARENTLY NEWS
TO NOTARO.

COMPLETELY UNAWARE OF THE SCORE,
BUT STILL COMING OUT ON TOP.

-WHAT A MATCH
TO KICK IT OFF.

THE EXCITING,
GUT-WRENCHING PICKLEBALL PLAY.

-KELLY ROWLAND
AND MURRAY BARTLETT MOVE OUT.

WILL FERRELL AND TIG
MOVE ON TO THE SEMIS.

THEY'RE IN
THE OOFOS RECOVERY LOUNGE

WITH JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS.

-THANK YOU, CARI, I'M HERE
WITH THIS INCREDIBLE TEAM.

THEY PUT US THROUGH THE WRINGER
IN THIS MATCH.

I'M TELLING YOU,
ELECTRIFYING PICKLEBALL.

THOSE TWO WORDS
HAVE NEVER BEEN PUT TOGETHER.

TIG, WHAT WAS GOING ON
OUT THERE?

-WELL, BASICALLY WHAT WE DID
WAS WE GOT IN THERE,

WE JUST PLAYED OUR BEST.
WE JUST STAY FOCUSED.

-WONDERFULLY SAID, TIG.
I'VE HEARD THAT BEFORE.

BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU, WILL?

ARE YOU, UH -- ARE YOU
A BETTER PICKLEBALL PLAYER

THAN WHEN YOU STARTED
AFTER THAT MATCH?

-I THINK MOST DEFINITELY.

AND I'M MOST PROUD
OF MY PARTNER, TIG,

BECAUSE NO ONE --
NO ONE IN THE STADIUM --

-THANKS, WILL.
-NO ONE WITHIN 100 MILES' RADIUS

OF THIS -- OF THIS PLACE.
THOUGHT SHE COULD DO IT.

-THANKS, WILL.
-AND SHE DID IT.

-JUST LIKE I SAID,
I JUST GOT IN THERE.

JUST STAY FOCUSED
AND JUST, YOU KNOW,

KEPT MY EYE ON THE BALL.

-THAT'S A --
IT WAS BEAUTIFULLY SAID.

-JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS,
CAN YOU HEAR ME?

-YES, SIR.
-I'VE GOT A QUESTION FOR WILL.

WILL, YOU'RE ALL HEART
WHEN YOU'RE OUT THERE.

YOU PUT IT ALL OUT
ON YOUR SLEEVE.

WHAT OTHER ORGANS
WERE YOU TODAY?

-I WAS A LITTLE BIT, UH, I WAS
A LITTLE BIT GALLBLADDER,

A LITTLE BIT KIDNEY.

I WAS A LITTLE BIT COCCYX,
WHICH IS...

WHICH IS NOT AN ORGAN.

-I DO NOT BELIEVE
WE CAN SAY COCCYX --

-WELL --
-ON CBS.

-WE'RE GOING TO SAY IT.

THIS IS WHY THIS IS
A REVOLUTIONARY SHOW FOR CBS.

-THANK YOU, GUYS.
HEY, EVERYBODY,

I'M HERE WITH MURRAY AND KELLY.

THEY JUST CAME OFF
A HEARTBREAK OF A LOSS.

IF YOU COULD
CHANGE ANYTHING

ABOUT HOW YOU PLAYED TODAY,

WOULD IT BE EVERYTHING?

-NO.

-WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE
IF YOU COULD?

-THOSE TWO POINTS I LET...
[ LAUGHS ]

-YOU GOT ANGRY, THE EMOTIONS
GOT THE BEST OF YOU OUT THERE.

TALK TO ME ABOUT THAT MOMENT,
LET'S ROLL THAT TAPE.

LET'S ROLL THAT TAPE BACK
AND TAKE A LOOK AT --

SO, THERE YOU ARE.
YOU THREW A BALL AT TIG

WHEN HER BACK WAS TURNED.

-BUT I SAW YOU, YOU KNOW,
PURPOSEFULLY AIM IT NOT AT TIG.

-NO, I AIMED IT AT TIG.
-OH, OKAY.

ALRIGHT.
I WAS TRYING TO SAVE YOU THERE.

-NO, IT'S ALRIGHT.
I THINK SHE KNEW.

-WHAT DID YOUR OPPONENTS
HAVE THAT YOU DIDN'T?

OTHER THAN MORE POINTS
AT THE END.

-SKILL.
-SKILL?

WE'RE GIVING EVERYBODY
HERE WHO PLAYS AND LOSES

AN OPPORTUNITY
TO DO A MONOLOGUE

SO THEY CAN BE SUBMITTED
FOR OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT

AS A GUEST PERFORMER
IN A LIVE SPECIAL.

MURRAY BARTLETT IS NOW GOING
FOR HIS LAST CHANCE EMMY

WITH A DRAMATIC MONOLOGUE.

AND LIKE
ALL THE BEST MONOLOGUES,

IT'S IN THE PROMPTER.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MURRAY BARTLETT IN

"SCREW YOU, DAD."

-44 CENTS -- THAT'S HOW MUCH
A POSTCARD STAMP IS.

44 CENTS, DAD.

EVERY DAY I WOULD RUN
TO THAT DANG MAILBOX

AS FAST AS I COULD.

NOTHING COULD STOP ME,

NOT EVEN THAT
HOT AUSTRALIAN SUN.

I KEPT THINKING MAYBE THERE'D BE
A POSTCARD FROM DAD,

FROM SOME FANCY PLACE --

HONG KONG, SAUSALITO,

THE MOON.

BUT THERE NEVER WAS.

SCREW YOU, DAD.

THERE WAS NEVER ANY MAIL AT ALL!

COME TO THINK OF IT,

THAT MIGHT NOT HAVE EVEN BEEN
A MAILBOX.

THERE MIGHT HAVE BEEN
A BIRDHOUSE.

IT WOULD EXPLAIN ALL THE EGGS.

OH, SHOOT.

I'M SORRY.

SORRY, DAD, I OVERREACTED.

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

-ONE MATCH DOWN,
FARRELL AND NOTARO

MOVE ON TO THE SEMIFINALS.

UP NEXT, DYNAMIC DUO
JAIME CAMIL AND AISHA TYLER

WILL FACE OFF AGAINST
MARRIED DUO

JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL
AND PAUL SCHEER.

DEFEAT, DIVORCE,
"DA" CHAMPIONSHIP --

IT'S ALL ON THE TABLE
WHEN "PICKLED" RETURNS.

"PICKLED" WILL CONTINUE.

♪♪

-AND NOW YOUR HOST,
STEPHEN COLBERT.

-HOW LONG TILL WE'RE BACK IN?

HELLO! WELCOME TO "PICKLED,"
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.

WELCOME BACK TO THE ACTION.

FOLKS, WHILE I MAY BE THE HOST
OF TONIGHT'S SHOW,

IT TAKES A LOT OF PEOPLE
TO PUT THIS TOGETHER.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE TO YOU

A VERY SPECIAL MEMBER
OF THE "PICKLED" FAMILY,

OUR BELOVED MASCOT,
HALF-SOUR HARVEY.

HOW ARE YOU DOING, HARV?

MOST MASCOTS ARE
HAPPY-GO-LUCKY,

JUMPING UP AND DOWN,
PUMPING UP THE CROWD.

BUT, TRUTH BE TOLD, HARVEY IS
GOING THROUGH SOME STUFF

AT THE MOMENT -- IT'S PRETTY
MUCH PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE

THAT HARVEY'S WIFE, JANET,

HAS MADE THEIR
TEMPORARY SEPARATION

MORE OF A PERMANENT SITUATION.

SHE SIGNED A LEASE.

SHE'S GONE ON TWO DATES
WITH A ZUCCHINI.

IT'S...
IT'S A MESS.

HARVEY,
WHEN YOU'RE READY TO TALK,

WE'RE READY TO LISTEN.

NOW LET'S GET READY
TO PICKLE.

CARI, BILL, CAN YOU TELL US
A LITTLE BIT MORE

ABOUT THE MATCH
WE'RE ABOUT TO SEE?

-YOU KNOW HER FROM
"GRACE AND FRANKIE,"

AND YOU KNOW HIM
FROM "BLACK MONDAY."

TOGETHER, THEY PRODUCE TV SHOWS,
PODCASTS, AND EVEN CHILDREN.

BUT CAN THEY PRODUCE
PICKLEBALL POINTS?

IT'S JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL
AND PAUL SCHEER,

A.K.A. THE PADDLE-SNAKES!

-YOU KNOW HIM FROM HIS WORK ON
"JANE THE VIRGIN"

AND NETFLIX'S "EL REY."

HE'S HOPING TO BE
THE REYOF THE SPORT --

IT'S JAIME CAMIL!

SHE'S FAMOUS FOR ROLES
IN "GHOST WHISPERER,"

"CRIMINAL MINDS,"
AND "ARCHER" --

TODAY, SHE JUST MIGHT BE
A DEEP WHISPERER --

IT'S AISHA TYLER!

TOGETHER THEY ARE
TAKE THIS LOB AND SHOVE IT.

-AISHA AND JAIME'S
RELATIONSHIP

MAY NOT BE AS LONG
AS PAUL AND JUNE'S,

BUT THE SAME CANNOT
BE SAID OF THEIR ARMS,

WITH A COMBINATION WINGSPAN
OF OVER 150 INCHES.

THAT'S EQUIVALENT TO
A MINI COOPER CONVERTIBLE.

IT'S A FUN RIDE.

I'D GO ON, BUT THEY ARE NOT
A SPONSOR TONIGHT --

UNLIKE OOFOS.
-SPEAKING OF OOFOS, STEVE,

LET'S GO DOWN TO
THE OOFOS RECOVERY LOUNGE.

THAT'S WHERE OUR PLAYERS
WILL HAVE A CHANCE TO RECHARGE

AFTER THEIR MATCHES AND FEEL
THE OOH OF THOSE OOFOS.

IT'S ALSO WHERE OUR SIDELINE
REPORTER,

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS,
IS STANDING BY.

JOHN MICHAEL, TALK TO ME
ABOUT THE VIBE DOWN THERE.

WELL, THANKS, CARI, I'M HERE
IN THE OOFOS RECOVERY LOUNGE,

AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU,

THEY'VE REALLY
OUTDONE THEMSELVES.

I MEAN, THIS IS REALLY NICE
IN HERE --

AT FIRST GLANCE,
IT MIGHT JUST SEEM LIKE A TENT,

BUT IF THIS IS A TENT, THIS IS,
LIKE, THE NICEST TENT

I HAVE EVER BEEN.

AND I'M REALLY LOVING
THIS LOUNGE

BECAUSE IT'S A HOT DAY;

THEY HAVE OOFOS AS FAR AS
THE EYE CAN SEE IN HERE.

DON'T GET ME STARTED ON
THE MISTERS THEY PUT UP HERE

BECAUSE MISTER
JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS

NEVER MISSES A SCOOP.

AND I WAS ABLE TO CATCH UP WITH
OUR PLAYERS

BEFORE THIS MATCH.

LISTEN.

-SO MY STRATEGY IS TO BE
SUPER AGGRESSIVE,

TO GET UP TO THE NET

AND TO GO FOR EVERY BALL.

-AND MY STRATEGY IS TO LISTEN
TO MY WIFE.

IF SHE TELLS ME TO DO SOMETHING,
I'M GOING TO DO IT.

-APPARENTLY, JUNE IS
PICKLEBALL AFICIONADO.

AND WHAT I'D LIKE TO SAY TO YOU
IS IT'S GOT TO BE WONDERFUL

HAVING THAT MUCH FREE TIME
ON YOUR HANDS.

-OOH!
-AISHA, JAIME,

WE'RE ABOUT TO BEAT YOUR ASSES.

-SHOULD BE INTERESTING TO WATCH
JUNE AND PAUL HERE.

THEY'VE BEEN MARRIED
FOR 13 YEARS,

SO THEY'LL KNOW
EACH OTHER'S STRENGTHS.

BUT EVERY MARRIAGE
HAS SOME LINGERING RESENTMENTS

THAT COULD AFFECT GAME PLAY.

-AISHA AND JAIME ARE NOT
A MARRIED COUPLE,

BUT THEY ARE LONG TIME FRIENDS.

COULD BE A PRO OR CON.

-UP FIRST WITH THE SERVE,
THE PADDLE-SNAKES,

ALSO KNOWN AS THAT MARRIED
COUPLE;

0-0,
LET IT ALL BEGIN, GUYS.

-OKAY, HERE WE GO.
EVERYBODY READY?

0-0, TWO!

-AISHA, THE BALL!

iVAMOS!
-iVAMOS!

-iVáMONOS!

-OH.
-A FAULT FROM JUNE

TO START THINGS OFF HERE --
THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF TALK,

THOUGH, ABOUT HOW SHE'S
A REAL PICKLER.

SHE AND PAUL CONSTRUCTED A
PICKLEBALL COURT AT THEIR HOUSE.

SO MAYBE SHE'S FEELING
SOME JITTERS.

WE'LL SEE IF SHE CAN
PUSH THROUGH.

-AND JUNE POACHING A SLAM
FROM HER HUSBAND.

-JUNE WITH ANOTHER SMASH.

-CARI, SHE'S SKIPPING AWAY
WITH THE POINT.

BUT WHAT'S THIS,
SOME DEBATE HERE?

WAS IT IN OR OUT?

-IT'S HARD TO TELL
FROM THIS ANGLE.

OKAY, THAT ANGLE IS NOT DOING US
ANY FAVORS EITHER.

-LOOKED REALLY IN TO ME.

-YOU HAVE 1-0, ONE.

-UGH.
-POINT.

-IT'S OKAY, BABE.
-THAT IS GOING TO

HAUNT PAUL TONIGHT.

-HERE WE GO WITH HIS SERVE.
UNDERHAND.

-SERVE UNDERNEATH THE WAIST.

-OH.
-POINT.

-OKAY.

-LET'S SNEAK AWAY
FROM CENTER COURT

AND CHECK IN
WITH OUR NEXT TWO TEAMS

ON THE PRACTICE COURTS.

EMMA WATSON
AND SUGAR RAY LEONARD

ARE DINKING AND VIBING.

THEY'RE GOING TO BE ONE
TO WATCH.

BUT, FOLKS, KEEP AN EYE
ON LUIS GUZMAN.

-AAAAAH!
-HE'S FIRED UP.

THIS IS GOING TO BE
A SHOWDOWN FOR THE AGES.

-WHILE WE WERE AWAY,
TYLER AND CAMIL JUMPED OUT

TO A THREE-POINT LEAD,

AND THE PADDLE-SNAKES
ARE TRYING DESPERATELY

TO GET BACK INTO THIS.

JUNE SURVEY,
PADDLE-SNAKES DOWN 2-5.

-GOOD ONE!

-ANOTHER SLAM AND ANOTHER JIG
FROM RAPHAEL.

-CHANGE HOW QUICKLY.

-I LOVE HER LITTLE DANCE AFTER
A SUCCESSFUL THRUST.

-COME ON, AISHA!

-JAIME CAMIL UNDETERRED,
STAYING IN THIS ONE, BILL.

-OUT.
-POINT.

-IT WAS OUT.

-JUNE, YOUR SERVE.

-OH!
-OUT.

POINT.
-MUST BE HOT DOWN THERE,

DON'T YOU THINK?
-IT'S ACTUALLY --

I'VE BEEN DOWN THERE
FOR THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.

IT WAS QUITE COOL AND LOVELY.

-YOUR APPLAUSE WAS WARM AS WELL.

-YOUR VOICE IS AMAZING, STEVE.

-LET'S PAUSE HERE FOR A MOMENT,
JUST TALK ABOUT THAT.

-GOOD ONE.

-OUT. POINT.

-WELL-PLAYED.

-LOSING THAT STAMINA --
IT COULD BE THE HEAT.

-UP.
-GOOD, AISHA, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

-OUT.
-TOO MUCH FROM AISHA.

PANEL-SNAKES POISED
TO STRIKE HERE,

NOW UP 7-5.

-UH-OH, AISHA'S FEELING IT,
GUYS, SHE'S FEELING IT.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

-KEPT 'EM BACK, THAT'S BEEN
PART OF THEIR PROBLEM.

THEY'RE NOT COMING FORWARD
ON THIS HIT.

STAYING DEEP.

-UP.

-OH.
-OUT, POINT.

-TRIED TO PUT A LITTLE ENGLISH
ON THAT LAST ONE.

-OH!
-UP.

OOH, LOOK AT THIS, OOH.

-LOOK AT THAT!

JUNE IN IT TO WIN IT.

-LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK.
HERE SHE COMES.

RUSHING TO THE KITCHEN LINE,
JUMPS FOR THE SLAM.

PROBABLY DIDN'T NEED
TO GET AIRBORNE,

BUT IT LOOKS COOL IN SLO-MO,

AND I THINK SHE KNEW
THAT IT WOULD.

-PADDLE-SNAKES' FANGS OUT NOW,
UP 9-5, JUNE SERVING.

-FIRST TO 11.
WHO WILL IT BE?

-OH!
-OUT -- POINT.

-FIVE-POINT GAME.

-THIS IS VERY STRESSFUL,
YOU GUYS!

-10-5, ONE.

-AND JUST LIKE THAT,
WE'RE AT MATCH POINT.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE WHISPERING.

JUNE AND PAUL GUNNING FOR A SPOT
IN THE SEMIS

AGAINST WILL FERRELL
AND TIG NOTARO.

JUNE SERVING TO JAIME CAMIL.

DOES HE HAVE WHAT IT TAKES
TO BE A HERO?

AND NEVER MIND, HE HIT THE NET.
AND IT'S OVER.

-THE PADDLE-SNAKES,
THEY CAME BACK FROM A DEFICIT

TO WIN IT ALL.

- THAT WAS BECAUSE OF YOU!
-OH, STOP IT!

-YEAH!

-OH, RUBBING IT IN!
-AN AMAZING MATCH,

SORRY TO SEE AISHA
AND JAIME GO,

BUT WHAT A GREAT MOMENT
FOR JUNE AND PAUL,

FOR THEIR MARRIAGE,
FOR THEIR BRAND.

-THEY ARE IN
THE OOFOS RECOVERY LOUNGE,

SO LET'S CHECK IN.

-THAT WAS A REALLY
IMPRESSIVE WIN.

NOW, YOU COMING FROM WAY BEHIND
AND YOU JUST PULLED IT

RIGHT OUT AT THE END.
WHAT HAPPENED?

-WELL, WE HAD AN AMAZING SERVER.
-YEAH.

-JUNE REALLY LED US TO VICTORY.

SHE NEVER LET THE BALL
OUT OF HER SIGHT. SHE'S AMAZING.

-LISTEN, HAS YOUR MARRIAGE

IMPROVED SINCE YOU STARTED
THE GAME?

-YOU KNOW, IT DEFINITELY
HAS KEPT ME IN LINE.

I THINK IT'S MADE ME
A BETTER ATHLETE

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT
TO LET DOWN MY WIFE.

-YEAH, YOU DON'T.
-NO. JESUS. OH, MY GOD.

-NO, YOU DON'T WANT TO.
-I WILL NOT. I WILL NOT.

I WAS -- I'LL BE OKAY.

-ALRIGHT. THERE IT IS.
AND MAYBE YOU CAN BRING

"COMING FROM BEHIND"
BACK INTO YOUR MARRIAGE AS WELL.

-JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS,
I HAVE A QUESTION.

STEPHEN COLBERT HERE.

-HI, STEPHEN.
-CAN YOU GUYS HEAR ME?

-YES.
-YES, QUITE WELL.

-YOU LOOK FANTASTIC,
FIRST OF ALL --

HOW MUCH
DID STYLE PLAY INTO THIS?

-YOU KNOW, FOR ME,
STYLE IS OVER EVERYTHING.

NOT MANY PEOPLE PLAY
IN A SWEATER IN 110 DEGREE HEAT.

BUT, YOU KNOW,
IT ACTUALLY IMPROVES MY GAME

BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I'M SWIMMING

AND PLAYING PICKLEBALL
AT THE SAME TIME.

-LET'S FOLLOW THAT THOUGHT,
PAUL, WHERE IS MOST OF

THE SWEAT PUDDLING?
-OH, IT'S PUDDLING IN PLACES

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
HAD PUDDLE ABILITY.

-NOOKS AND CRANNIES.
-SO BASICALLY YOU'RE SAYING

THAT YOUR NETHER REGIONS
ARE LIKE AN ENGLISH MUFFIN

FILLING UP
WITH WARM MELTED BUTTER.

-AND THAT'S THE PADDLE-SNAKES
IN A SINGLE SENTENCE, STEVE.

-THANKS, YOU GUYS.
-THANK YOU.

-JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL
AND PAUL SCHEER

ADVANCED TO THE SEMIFINALS,
WHERE THEY WILL BATTLE IT OUT

AGAINST WILL FERRELL
AND TIG NOTARO.

WHEN WE RETURN, SUGAR RAY
LEONARD AND EMMA WATSON

VERSUS DANIEL DAE KIM
AND LUIS GUZMAN.

WORLD CLASS ATHLETES,
A-LIST ACTORS --

SHOULD BE SOME
PRETTY GOOD PICKLEBALL ACTION.

"PICKLED" WILL CONTINUE.

"PICKLED" WILL CONTINUE.

THIS IS CBS.

♪♪

-WELCOME BACK TO "PICKLED."

THE FIRST HALF OF THE SEMIFINALS
HAVE BEEN SET

WITH WILL FERRELL
AND TIG NOTARO

FACING JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL
AND PAUL SCHEER.

IT'S TIME NOW TO START
FILLING IN

THE OTHER SIDE
OF THE BRACKET.

AND FOLKS, WE HAVE GOT
A BARN BURNER COMING UP.

CARI, BILL,
TELL THEM ALL ABOUT IT.

-IN OUR NEXT MATCH-UP,
YOU'VE SEEN HIM ON ISLANDS

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PACIFIC
OCEAN IN THE HIT SHOWS

"LOST" AND "HAWAII FIVE-O,"
IT'S DANIEL DAE KIM

AND HIS PARTNER STEALS SCENES IN
"BOOGIE NIGHTS"

NIGHTS AND THE UPCOMING
ADDAMS FAMILY REBOOT,

"WEDNESDAY,"
IT'S LUIS GUZMAN.

-THEY'LL CONJURE UP
THE INTENSITY OF THE WORLD'S

GREATEST ACTOR WHEN TOGETHER
THEY BECOME

DANIEL DAE LUIS.

AND NOW, HE'S ONE
OF THE GREATEST BOXERS

OF ALL TIME WITH FIVE WORLD
TITLES AND OLYMPIC GOLD,

IT'S SUGAR RAY LEONARD.

-SMELL SOMETHING SWEET.
SHE FIRST ROSE TO FAME

AS HERMIONE GRANGER
IN THE HARRY POTTER FILMS.

SHE STARRED IN THE
OSCAR-NOMINATED "LITTLE WOMEN"

AND WENT ON TO BECOME
THE UNITED NATIONS'

WOMEN GOODWILL AMBASSADOR.

IT'S EMMA WATSON.

TOGETHER, THEY ARE
THE VOLLEY RANCHERS.

SUGAR RAY LEONARD
IS THE ATHLETE.

-HE CAN STICK AND RUN.
HE CAN MOVE THOSE PUPPIES.

-ALRIGHT. LET'S GO DOWN
TO JOHN MICHAEL FOR MORE.

-THANKS, CARI. THANKS, BILL.

I WAS ABLE TO GET
THE INSIDE SCOOP ON THIS MATCH

WHEN I PUT OUR TEAMS
ON THE HOT SEAT THIS MORNING.

-STRATEGY FOR TODAY
IS TO WIN, BABY.

-WE'RE GOING TO WIN

-WHEN I KNEW I WAS GOING
TO BE PLAYING WITH RAY,

I STARTED TRAINING.

'CAUSE I WAS LIKE, I DON'T WANT
TO LET THIS MAN DOWN.

WE DID MOUNT EVEREST
A FEW TIMES.

WHAT ELSE CAN WE DO?
-KILIMANJARO.

WE WENT TO AFRICA.
IT WAS GREAT.

-WHAT'S YOUR BIGGEST ATHLETIC
ACHIEVEMENT TO DATE?

-I WOULD SAY THE 1976
OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL.

-MY BIGGEST ATHLETIC ACHIEVEMENT
TO THIS DATE

WAS BEATING MY YOUNGER BROTHER
AT PING-PONG.

-PING-PONG.
-I GUESS!

PING-PONG AGAINST
MY YOUNGER BROTHER.

-ALRIGHT.
OUR PLAYERS ARE READY.

LET'S WATCH THE COURT
AND THE PEOPLE ON IT.

AND SPEAKING
OF THE PEOPLE ON IT,

EMMA IS UP SERVING FIRST.

-0-0, TWO.

-EMMA WATSON WITH A NICE SERVE
TO GUZMAN,

AND HIS RETURN IS LOW.

-POINT.
-WIND'S AGAINST US.

-OKAY.
-OR, WIND'S WITH US.

-VOLLEY RANCHERS UP 1-0.
-SO THAT'S 1?

-1-0, TWO.

-EMMA WITH THE STRONG FOREHAND.
GIVEN BACK TO SUGAR.

-OH.
-BACKHAND FOR THE WIN.

2-0.

-DAMN! DAMN,
IT'S LIKE THAT, HUH?

-OKAY. LIKE THAT.
IT'S LIKE THAT.

YOU SAW THAT?
-APPARENTLY, IT IS LIKE THAT.

-TOO LONG!
OH, IT'S IN.

-OH!
-WE GOT ONE.

WE GOT ONE.

-LETTING THEM HIT IT
DOWN THE MIDDLE.

-DOWN THE MIDDLE. RIGHT?

-DANIEL DAE LUIS
CATCHES A BREAK THERE

WITH EMMA'S UNFORCED ERROR.

THEY'LL GET THE SERVE
AND AN OPPORTUNITY

TO PUT POINTS ON THE BOARD.

-0-2, ONE.
-OKAY, WE'RE READY?

-GUZMAN SERVING,
EMMA AND SUGAR UP 2-0.

-GOTTA LET IT BOUNCE, LUIS.

-OH-HO!
-OH!

-THAT'S ALRIGHT,
THAT'S ALRIGHT.

-THE CHAMP SMOKING THOSE BALLS
AT GUZMAN.

-SERVE GOES TO KIM NOW.

-WE GOTTA GET 'EM BACK.
GET 'EM BACK.

-ALRIGHT. HERE WE GO.

-OH!
-SUGAR RAY IS PLAYING

WITH INTENTION.

-SUGAR WITH SOME SPICE...

AND NOTHING NICE.

TAKING ADVANTAGE,
GOING FOR THE JUGULAR AREA.

-I SEE HOW THAT IS GOING.
AND IT'S GOING REALLY GOOD.

IT'S GOING REALLY GOOD.

-SUGAR RAY CONSIDERED ONE
OF THE BEST PICKLEBALL PLAYERS.

-OF ALL TIME?
-ON THIS COURT.

-OH, OKAY. ON THE COURT.

SIMILAR TO ALL TIME.
HERE WE GO, DANIEL DAE!

VOLLEY RANGERS GET THE POINT.

SCORE 3-0,.
SUGAR RAY LEONARD STILL SERVING.

-NOT GOOD. THAT WAS OUT.
THAT WAS OUT.

-CARI, BILL, ARE YOU SEEING
WHAT I'M SEEING?

EMMA'S GOT A HELL OF AN EYE.
SHE LETS THAT BALL PLAY

ALL THE WAY OUT TO SEE
WHETHER IT'S FAIR PLAY

OR WHETHER IT'S GOING
TO GO OUTSIDE.

I LIKE HOW COOL
SHE STAYS ON THE COURT.

-YOU KNOW, I'M TOLD
THAT SHE REALLY

HAS WORKED AT THIS
WITH INDIVIDUAL INSTRUCTION.

LUIS!

-THAT'S OUT.

[ CHEERING ]

-THAT IS IMPRESSIVE,
TERRIFIC TECHNIQUE.

-I HATE THEM.
-WAY TO RALLY --

NEITHER TEAM,
THOUGH, BACKING DOWN,

BUT LOOK AT
EMMA WATSON'S DETERMINATION.

ZERO FEAR AT THE KITCHEN LINE,
MY KIND OF GAL,

MAKING IT LOOK EASY.
SHE AND LEONARD WIN THE POINT.

-UNPRECEDENTED GAME PLAY.

WE HAVE NEVER SEEN
THIS KIND OF ACTION.

-IT'S OKAY, WE GOT THIS.
WE GOT THIS.

-WHILE THESE WARRIORS
GRIND IT OUT ON THE COURT,

LET'S SHARE A BRIEF REMINDER
OF WHY WE'RE HERE TODAY.

-TO EVERYONE WATCHING,
THE BALL IS IN YOUR COURT.

-DONATE NOW TO HELP SAVE
AND CHANGE THE LIFE OF A CHILD.

-THAT'S JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL,
WHO RECENTLY CARRIED

HER HUSBAND,
PAUL SCHEER, TO THE SEMIFINALS.

NOW BACK TO CENTER COURT.

OH, A RARE BREAK FOR GUZMAN.

HE'S GIVING EMMA WATSON
THE BUSINESS,

STICKING HIS TONGUE OUT.

EMMA FIGHTS FIRE WITH FIRE.

-LET'S TAKE A CLOSER LOOK.

-THERE IT IS.

SCORE 8-0 AT THIS MOMENT.

-HERE'S SOME MORE TERMINOLOGY.

IF YOU WIN A GAME BY SKUNKING
THE OTHER TEAM,

IT IS CALLED BEING PICKLED.
-BEING PICKLED.

YOU BEAT ME TO THE PUNCH.
-I'M SORRY, BILL.

-THAT'S ALRIGHT. YOU, BABY.
TO THE PICKLE.

9-0.
-9-0, TWO.

POINT.
-THERE IT IS.

10-0 NOW.

-OH.
-10-0, TWO.

-IF THIS WERE A HOLLYWOOD MOVIE,
NOW WOULD BE THE MOMENT

THAT DANIEL DAE LUIS STAGES
THEIR EPIC COMEBACK.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN M--

NOPE. NO. YEAH. THIS ONE'S OVER.

EMMA, SUGAR, 11-0.

YEAH, THEY CRUSHED 'EM.
-VOLLEY RANCHERS

MOVE ON TO THE SEMIFINALS.

STEVE, HAS SUGAR RAY LEONARD
AGED?

-NO.
-NOT A BIT.

-THEY RECENTLY
TOOK A CORE SAMPLE,

AND THERE ARE NO MORE RINGS.
-OKAY.

-DANIEL DAE KIM AND LUIS GUZMAN,
A HEARTFELT SALUTE TO YOU

FOR COMING OUT TODAY
FOR COMIC RELIEF,

BECAUSE CLEARLY YOU DID NOT
COME OUT TO PLAY PICKLEBALL.

EMMA AND SUGAR RAY ARE IN
THE OOFOS RECOVERY LOUNGE

RIGHT NOW WITH OUR FRIEND
JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS.

-OH, BOY.
WHAT A PERFORMANCE.

I MEAN, YOU COULD DO NO WRONG.

AND WHAT WAS INTERESTING
ABOUT YOU

WAS THAT YOU SHOWED
ABSOLUTELY NO MERCY

TO THOSE TWO WONDERFUL PEOPLE
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COURT.

WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT?
ARE YOU BAD PEOPLE?

-WELL, WE'RE NOT BAD PEOPLE.

IT JUST --
IT'S A NATURAL THING.

JUST A NATURAL HABIT.
-I SEE.

-WINNING IS A NATURAL HABIT
FOR HIM, AND I'M JUST --

I'M JUST FOLLOWING HIM UP,
YOU KNOW?

-YOU'RE JUST HELPING HIM ALONG.
THAT'S SO NICE OF YOU.

WELL, YOU CRUSHED THEM.

YOU CRUSHED THEIR SPIRITS,
AND YOU CRUSHED THEIR --

THEIR WHOLE FUTURE.
SO I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.

-WELL, I LIKE WHAT YOU SAID,
THAT CRUSH.

AND THAT WAS THE INTENTION.
-DESTROY.

WE'RE I'M APOLOGIZING
FOR OUR INTENSITY.

-NO APOLOGY, SUGAR RAY?
-I MEAN, I FEEL BAD,

BUT I FEEL GOOD THAT I WON.
WE WON.

-IT'S A REAL GOOD KIND OF BAD.
-FOR A GOOD CAUSE.

-THANK YOU SO MUCH.
CONGRATULATIONS.

WE'LL SEE YOU IN THE NEXT ROUND.

WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT.

THE VOLLEY RANCHERS ADVANCE
TO THE SEMIFINALS.

COMING UP, IT'S GOING TO GET
A LITTLE COUNTRY IN HERE.

MULTI-PLATINUM ARTIST
JIMMIE ALLEN

AND STAR OF "THE NEIGHBORHOOD"
MAX GREENFIELD

TEAM UP TO TAKE DOWN SINGER
SONGWRITER DIERKS BENTLEY

AND HOST OF "THE AMAZING RACE,"
PHIL KEOGHAN.

AND THEN IT'S THE CLAUSSEN
CRUNCH-TIME HALFTIME REPORT.

"PICKLED" WILL CONTINUE.

"PICKLED" WILL CONTINUE.

THIS IS CBS.

♪♪

-WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY,
TO "PICKLED."

I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
I'VE GOT A MOMENT,

SO I'D LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENT
RIGHT NOW TO INTRODUCE TO YOU

THE REAL STAR
OF OUR SHOW TONIGHT --

OUR TROPHY, THE COLBERT CUP.

I ALSO WANT TO POINT OUT THAT,
YES, WE'VE SEEN YOUR TWEETS

AND #WEGETIT --
THAT IS A KARATE TROPHY.

YOU SEE, HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.

THE TROPHY INDUSTRY, SADLY,
IS LIVING IN THE PAST

AND HAS YET TO DEVELOP
THE ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY IT TAKES

TO PRODUCE
A PROPER PICKLEBALL TROPHY.

BUT WE THOUGHT THIS BAD BOY
WAS PRETTY COOL.

LET'S GET BACK
TO OUR COMPETITORS, SHALL WE?

BILL, CARI, OVER TO YOU.

-BILL AND I ARE EXCITED
ABOUT THIS NEXT MATCH UP.

HE'S A MULTI-PLATINUM COUNTRY
MUSIC SINGER SONGWRITER

WITH HIT SINGLES "BEST SHOT"
AND "DOWN HOME,"

AND HE'S GOING TO GIVE
PICKLEBALL HIS BEST SHOT

SO HE DOESN'T END UP
HEADING HOME.

IT'S JIMMIE ALLEN.

HIS PARTNER STARS ON CBS'S
HIT COMEDY

"THE NEIGHBORHOOD,"
WHERE HE SCORES TONS OF LAUGHS,

BUT CAN'T HE SCORE TONS
OF POINTS TODAY

ON THE PICKLEBALL COURT?
WE'LL FIND OUT.

IT'S MAX GREENFIELD.

AND TOGETHER THEY ARE
DILL-I-AM.

-AND SO YOU BE --
HE'S A MULTI-PLATINUM

COUNTRY MUSIC SINGER SONGWRITER

WITH HIT SINGLES
"AM I THE ONLY ONE?"

AND "BEERS ON ME" -- WILL BE
ON STEVE LATER, I MIGHT ADD.

IT'S DIERKS BENTLEY.

HIS PARTNER IS THE HOST OF
"THE AMAZING RACE,"

BUT TODAY HE'S THE ONE WHO WILL
BE PUSHING HIMSELF TO HIS LIMITS

PUTTING IT ALL ON THE LINE
FOR THE ONE SHOT AT GLORY.

IT'S PHIL KEOGHAN!

-KEOGHAN!
-TOGETHER, THEY ARE...

WHEN HARRY NET RALLY.

[ CHEERING ]

-YOU HEAR THAT CROWD
RIGHT THERE?

-THEY'RE ALREADY CHEERING
FOR US, IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED PLAYING,
THEY'RE ALREADY MAKING NOISE

FOR US --
WE'LL BE RIGHT THERE. HANG ON.

WRAPPING UP SOME TV STUFF.

-PHIL PLAYS A LOT.
DIERKS PLAYS ON THE ROAD.

I DON'T CARE
WHAT DIERKS TELLS YOU.

HIS WHOLE TOUR,
THEY PLAY PICKLEBALL. OKAY?

-WHAT I LIKE TO DO
IS LET THEM GET UP

LIKE A POINT AWAY FROM VICTORY,

AND THEY REALLY GET
THEIR HOPES UP.

-REALLY? YOU WANT TO TAKE IT
THAT CLOSE TO THE LINE?

-IT'S NOT ENOUGH FOR ME
JUST GET THE WIN.

I WANT TO GET LIKE --
I WANT -- I WANT --

-YOU WANT TO RUB IT IN.
-I WANT TEARS.

-AND HONESTLY, TOO,
THEY'RE BOTH SO RICH.

LIKE, THEY GOT A LOT OF FREE
TIME ON THEIR HANDS.

WE GOT TO WORK.
-THESE ARE RICH MEN.

-THESE ARE RICH MEN
PLAYING A RICH MAN'S SPORT.

-MAYBE THEY'LL GIVE US
SOME MONEY.

-YEAH.

-AND HERE THEY COME, DIERKS
AND PHIL STRUTTING THEIR STUFF

ONTO CENTER COURT.

JIMMIE AND MAX NOT FAR BEHIND.

THE INTENSITY
IS ALREADY DIALED UP.

THIS IS GOING TO BE A GOOD ONE.

-ALRIGHT, FOLKS,
OUR PLAYERS ARE READY.

SO LET'S GO TO THE COURT

AND WE HAVE MAX GREENFIELD
SERVING,

TEAM DILL-I-AM TRYING TO MAKE IT
TO THE SEMIFINALS.

-0-0, TWO

-WAS THAT OFF?
-DO-OVER, DO-OVER.

MY MISTAKE. MY MISTAKE.

-GREENFIELD LETTING HIS EMOTIONS
GET THE BEST OF HIM.

OBVIOUSLY,
YOU CANNOT SERVE OVERHAND.

-ALRIGHT, LET'S DO IT OVER.
-YEAH, LET'S LET HIM DO IT OVER.

-HE'S LEARNING.
HE'S LEARNING THE RULES.

YOU KNOW, IT'S HIS FIRST TIME.
I REMEMBER MY FIRST TIME.

-OH!
-WE GOT A POINT.

NOW YOU GUYS SWITCH SIDES.

-NOW WE SWITCH IT.
-WHAT DO WE DO?

-1-0, ONE.

-DID WE -- IS IT OVER?
-NO.

-OKAY.
I THOUGHT WE WON.

-AS AN ACTOR WE KNOW THAT
GREENFIELD NEVER PLAYS

BY THE RULES, BUT WE HERE AT
"PICKLED" INSIST THAT HE DOES.

HERE'S THE SERVE.

-JIMMIE COVERING A LOT OF GROUND
RIGHT THERE.

BUT IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO GET
AROUND KEOGHAN'S --

-OH!
-LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK.

-AND BAM,

THE MAN FROM DOWN UNDER
GOES UP AND OVER.

-AND FOLKS, YES, WE KNOW
THAT PHIL

IS FROM NEW ZEALAND,
NOT AUSTRALIA,

BUT NEW ZEALAND
IS TECHNICALLY DOWN UNDER

AND JUST A LITTLE BIT OVER.

NEWS YOU CAN USE.
-1-1.

-KEOGHAN SERVES, 1-1.

-JIMMIE WITH A NICE DEEP RETURN.

BILL AND DIERKS
CHARGE THE KITCHEN LINE.

-BENTLEY GOING UP TO GET IT.

AND JIMMIE, JUST TOO
MUCH POWER THERE.

-IS THAT OUT?

-SO LET'S CHECK IN WITH THE JAR
TO SEE WHERE THAT ENDED UP.

AND IT IS INDEED LONG.

-ALRIGHT, LET'S GO.
LET'S GET --

LET'S BRING THE TEAM TOGETHER.

-GOT IT.
-SECOND SERVER.

-OH, GOD. NICE SHOT.

-ONE.
-PRETTY IMPRESSIVE EARLY.

I THINK BOTH TEAMS
ARE LEARNING THE GAME.

LOOKS LIKE THEY PRACTICED.
REHEARSED.

-NICE SERVE.

-ANOTHER DEEP RETURN FROM AL,
AND THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT.

MAX UP TO THE KITCHEN LINE.
HE'S THERE.

AND ANOTHER --
-POINT.

-HE POACHED IT, MAYBE SHOULD
HAVE LEFT IT FOR JIMMIE.

-MY PARTNER.
HE'S GOT IT GOING ON.

-I WAS ABOUT TO SLAM IT.

-YOU CAN CHANGE A CHILD'S LIFE
TONIGHT.

MAKE NO MISTAKE.
JUST GO TO COMICRELIEF.ORG.

-AND EVERYONE'S A WINNER.

-HE SAID IT.

-THANK YOU, SUGAR AND EMMA,

THEY'RE PATIENTLY AWAITING
THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH.

LET'S CHECK BACK IN,
THE SCORE 804.

-GET IT.
GO!

-OH, BACKHAND. NO, LOOK.

-YEAH!
-AN AMAZING POINT THERE.

THIS -- THIS IS THE PICKLING
WE CAME HERE TO SEE.

-EVERYBODY UP AT
THE KITCHEN LINE.

GREENFIELD WITH THE BACKHAND,
BUT IT'S NOT ENOUGH.

THEY KICK IT UP A NOTCH
AND THE CROWD IS LOVING IT.

-9-4, ONE.

-DIERKS SERVING, SCORE 904.

ALLEN DELIVERS
ANOTHER GREAT RETURN,

KISSING THE LINE, RIGHT THERE!

-9-4, TWO.
-HERE WE GO.

-KEOGHAN SERVES.
GREENFIELD RETURNS.

-MAX IMMEDIATELY UP
TO THE KITCHEN. SMART MOVE.

-OUT.
-OH, BUT IT IS OUT,

A RARE MISTAKE FROM PHIL.

TAKE A LOOK AT THE JAR, FOLKS.

IT'S CLOSE, BUT NO CIGAR.

-THAT IS A STRONG JAR.

TAKES A LICKING
AND KEEPS ON TICKING.

LET'S SEE IF GREENFIELD AND
ALLEN HAVE THE SAME TOUGHNESS.

-MAX NOW SERVING, DOWN BY FIVE,

TRYING TO MOUNT A COMEBACK,
FOLKS.

NOW, LOOK AT THIS, FOLKS --

DIERKS AND PHIL RIGHT ON THAT
KITCHEN LINE.

BUT JIMMIE IS A LITTLE OUT OF
POSITION AND THEY,

OF COURSE, TAKE ADVANTAGE.
-NICE JOB.

-BROMANCE DEVELOPING
BETWEEN THESE TWO.

WOULD BE PRETTY COOL IF THEY
CAME OUT OF THIS BEST FRIENDS.

-4-9, TWO.
-SERVE NOW WITH JIMMIE,

THEY'RE DOWN 4-9.

NICE SERVE.
BUT HERE COMES DIERKS.

A BIG SLAM, AND DIDN'T HAVE
A FOOT IN THAT KITCHEN.

HE MIGHT HAVE.
LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK.

-NO! PRANCIN', DANCIN',
BUT NO COOKIN'.

HE STAYS OUT OF THE KITCHEN,
CARI -- THAT'S IMPRESSIVE.

-THAT WAS CLOSE. YEAH.

-INTO THE NET,
MAX VERY DISAPPOINTED THERE.

AND HERE WE ARE.

KEOGHAN SERVING MATCH POINT.

HARRY NET RALLY ONE POINT AWAY
FROM A COVETED SEMIFINAL BERTH.

GREENFIELD.
GREENFIELD AGAIN.

JIMMIE, REAL DANGER HERE.

-GET IT, MAX!
-GREENFIELD'S GOT IT --

BUT IT IS NOT ENOUGH, FOLKS!

WHEN HARRY NET RALLY,
ONTO THE SEMIS!

-MOVING ON!
-GOOD JOB.

GOOD JOB.
-GOOD PLAYERS, DUDE!

-YOU PLAYED OFF YOUR ASS OFF.
MAX, YOU'RE GOOD, BRO.

-I WAS WORRIED THERE.

THAT WAS FUN.
-YEAH. GOOD JOB.

-LOOK AT MAX DOING EVERYTHING
HE CAN TO KEEP THIS ALIVE.

HITTING THE DECK, BUT, FOLKS,
IT'S JUST NOT ENOUGH.

-THEN GOES GREENFIELD,
MAYBE A SKINNED KNEE.

GET THE MEDIC.
BUT DEFINITELY A BROKEN HEART.

-DIERKS AND PHIL ARE IN
THE OOFOS RECOVERY LOUNGE.

-YOU ARE NOW FACING SUGAR
RAY LEONARD AND EMMA WATSON,

WHO TURNS OUT
TO BE A HOUSE ON FIRE.

A REALLY GREAT PLAYER.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
EXPECTING FROM THIS BOUT?

-UH, BLOOD, SWEAT AND TEARS.

-I WANT YOU TO THINK
ABOUT ROBERTO DURAN.

DO YOU REMEMBER THOSE DAYS?
-YES.

-I WANT YOU TO BE ROBERTO DURAN
IN THE NEXT ROUND.

-WAIT A SECOND.
DIDN'T SUGAR RAY LEONARD

BEAT ROBERTO DURAN
REPEATEDLY,

TO THE POINT
WHERE HE WENT UP

AND SAID "NO MáS"
AT ONE POINT?

-MAYBE WE MAKE HIM DURAN.
-YEAH.

-AND WE BEAT HIM.
-WE'RE SUGAR RAY.

THANK YOU, STEPHEN.
-THERE YOU HAVE IT.

DIERKS BENTLEY AND PHIL KEOGHAN

AND SUGAR RAY LEONARD
AND EMMA WATSON

MOVE ON TO THE SEMIFINALS.

ALSO ADVANCING ARE JUNE DIANE
RAPHAEL AND PAUL SCHEER

AGAINST TIG NOTARO
AND WILL FARRELL.

FOUR MATCHES BEHIND US,

THREE MORE REMAIN,

WHICH, IN "PICKLED,"
IS HALF WAY.

COMING UP, THE CLAUSSEN
CRUNCH-TIME HALFTIME REPORT

AND THE ANNUAL
STATE OF THE PICKLE ADDRESS.

NO OTHER RACKET SPORTS PAUSE
FOR A HALFTIME SHOW,

BUT NO OTHER RACKET SPORT
IS PICKLEBALL.

"PICKLED" WILL CONTINUE.

♪♪

-AND WE WELCOME EVERYBODY
TO THE CLAUSSEN CRUNCH-TIME

HALFTIME REPORT
BROUGHT TO YOU BY CLAUSSEN.

BE THE CRUNCH YOU WANT
TO SEE IN THE WORLD.

I'M STEPHEN COLBERT
JOINED HERE IN THE PERGOLA

BY OUR COMMENTATORS BILL RAFTERY
AND CARI CHAMPION.

GUYS, WE ALL KNOW CLAUSSEN
PICKLES ARE COLD AND CRUNCHY.

COULD YOU SAY THE SAME ABOUT
SOME OF THE PLAY WE SAW TODAY?

I TELL YOU, SUGAR RAY'S
OPPONENTS ARE IN A PICKLE.

HE HAS BEEN STONE COLD.
HE IS GOING TO THE SEMIS.

THAT'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING
TO BE PROUD OF.

-HE'S GOING TO BE VERY GOOD,
NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.

I'M SURE HE'S A NEOPHYTE
AT THIS GAME.

AND THAT'S WHAT
IMPRESSED ME THE MOST --

LOT OF THESE PEOPLE
ARE FIRST TIME STARTERS

AND DISPLAYED
EXTRAORDINARY ABILITY.

-SUGAR RAY AND EMMA SHUT OUT
DANIEL DAE KIM AND LUIS GUZMAN.

I'D NEVER SEEN ANYTHING
LIKE THAT IN PICKLE.

-THUS FAR, EMMA IS THE BEST
PLAYER IN THE COMPETITION.

-REALLY IMPRESSIVE.
-SHE'S ON THE SHORTLIST FOR MVP,

THAT'S FOR SURE.
-THEY WENT AFTER LUIS BECAUSE

HE DIDN'T COME TOWARDS
THE KITCHEN, THEY'RE VERY SMART.

I JUST LOVE HER ATTITUDE.
WHAT A COMPETITOR.

-JUNE DIANE AND PAUL'S MARRIAGE
SEEMS TO BE AN ADVANTAGE SO FAR.

-ARE THEY STILL TALKING?
I'M NOT SURE.

-I DON'T KNOW. LIKE MOST WOMEN,
SHE'S CARRYING HIM

IN THE RELATIONSHIP.
DO YOU NOT AGREE?

-OH, SHE WAS FANTASTIC.
AND HER ATTITUDE AFTER

A MADE POINT, BIT OF DANCIN'
AND PRANCIN',

HAVING A GREAT TIME.
-CARI, BILL,

THANKS FOR YOUR INSIGHT.
AND NOW TO DELIVER

CLAUSSEN'S ANNUAL
STATE OF THE PICKLE ADDRESS,

THE ANCHOR OF
"CBS NEWS PRIME TIME,"

JOHN DICKERSON.

-PICKLEBALL'S JOURNEY BEGAN
IN THE TUMULTUOUS YEAR 1965.

THE TIMES, THEY WERE A-CHANGIN'.

IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME

BEFORE THOSE TIMES A-CHANGED

THE WAY WE PLAYED RACKET SPORTS.

ONE WEEKEND
IN THE SUMMER OF '65,

FUTURE CONGRESSMAN
JOEL PRITCHARD WAS TRAPPED ON

A FAMILY VACATION ON
BAINBRIDGE ISLAND, WASHINGTON,

WITH SEVERAL BORED CHILDREN,

TWO-PING PONG PADDLES,
ONE WIFFLE BALL,

AND A BADMINTON NET.

THEN CONGRESSMAN PRITCHARD
DARED DO

WHAT NO ONE
HAD DARED DO BEFORE.

HE LOWERED IT.

AND PICKLEBALL WAS BORN.

THE '60s MAY HAVE
COME TO AN END,

BUT PICKLEBALL'S ROCKET RIDE
HAS JUST BEGUN.

RACKET SPORTS SCIENTISTS
CALCULATE THAT IN THE LAST

TWO YEARS, THE SPORT HAS GROWN
BY 40%.

THERE ARE NOW
4.8 MILLION PLAYERS.

PICKLEBALL IS BRINGING HEALTH
AND HAPPINESS

TO COUNTLESS AMERICANS --

UNLESS YOU CAN COUNT
TO 4.8 MILLION.

CLEARLY PICKLEBALL HAS BECOME
A NATIONAL OBSESSION.

BUT EVERY OBSESSION
HAS A DARK SIDE.

AS THE HORDES OF PICKERS
GROW THEIR INSATIABLE THIRST

FOR COURT SPACE
DEVOURS GYMS, TENNIS COURTS.

AND, IN NEW YORK CITY,

PICKLEBALLERS ARE
SETTING UP UNAUTHORIZED COURTS

IN PUBLIC PARKS AND PLAYGROUNDS,

AND FIGHTS ARE ERUPTING.

YES, VIOLENCE ON
THE PLAYGROUND AND SADLY,

NOT THE COOL DANCING KIND.

ONE CRITIC LABELED PICKLERS

"THE LANTERN FLIES
OF THE SPORTS WORLD" --

AN APT COMPARISON,
BECAUSE, LIKE PICKLEBALL,

THEY'RE BOTH INVASIVE,

AND, UNTIL RECENTLY,

I HAD NO IDEA
EITHER ONE EXISTED.

BUT PADDLE CRIME ISN'T THE ONLY
DANGER LURKING ON THE COURT.

SO ARE INJURIES --
19,000 OF THEM A YEAR.

THE CAUSE,
ACCORDING TO ONE EXPERT --

"MOST OF IT IS FROM TRIPPING."

THE SPORT IS LURING UNSUSPECTING
AMERICANS INTO AN ACTIVITY

THEY'RE NOT READY FOR:

MOVEMENT.

SO WITHER NOW PICKLEBALL?

HARMLESS ACTIVITY,
SURGING SPORT,

OR MENACE TO SOCIETY?

PERSONALLY, AFTER SEEING THESE
CELEBRITIES PLAY THIS SPORT

FOR THE BETTER PART
OF AN AFTERNOON,

I THINK PICKLEBALL
CAN BE A FORCE FOR HEALING

IN THE RIGHT HANDS --

AND SOMETIMES IN THE LEFT.

BACK TO YOU, STEVE.

-THANKS, JOHN.

COMING UP: JUNE, PAUL;
WILL, TIG --

PICKLEBALL MAY BE LOW IMPACT,

BUT IT IS DEFINITELY
HIGH STAKES.

WHEN WE COME BACK, THE "PICKLED"
SEMIFINALS GET UNDERWAY.

THIS IS CBS.

♪♪

-WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

I AM MORE THAN SEMI EXCITED TO
WELCOME YOU TO THE SEMIFINALS.

IF THESE PLAYERS WIN HERE,

THEY MOVE ON
TO THE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH.

BUT IF THEY LOSE,
THEY'RE STILL FAMOUS.

THEY'RE GOING TO BE FINE.

-OUR NEXT TEAMS WILL NEED TO
LEAVE EVERYTHING IN THE KITCHEN

IF THEY WANT TO MAKE IT THROUGH.

WE'RE GOING TO BE SEEING
THE JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL

AND PAUL SCHEER PLAYING
WILL FERRELL AND TIG NOTARO.

-IT'LL BE FINE.

-WILL?
-HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

-NO, WE'RE JUST HUGGING.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

-THERE'S A RUMOR YOU GUYS
ARE ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED.

WHOA!

[ CHEERING ]

-WILL.

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

HEY.

-HERE WE GO. PADDLE-SNAKES
VERSUS PARTY TIL YOU CUKE.

LET'S WATCH.

-NICE SERVE, BABE.

GOT IT.

-LITTLE POACHING EARLY.
OOH, BIG RETURN!

-OOH, MEAN.
-MEAN WILL FERRELL.

-NOW, REMEMBER, FOLKS,
ONLY THE SERVING TEAM CAN SCORE.

WILL AND TIG HAVE THE SERVE

AND A CHANCE
TO GET OUT TO AN EARLY LEAD.

-YOUR SERVE, TIG.
-RIGHT.

KNEW THAT.
-0-0, ONE.

-TIG SERVING AND ASSURING
THE LINE JUDGE THAT

SHE UNDERSTANDS
SOME OR ANY OF THE RULES.

-JUNE HAS A LITTLE BIT
OF THE JITTERS.

-JUNE. YES, SHE IS --

SHE'S JUMPY
AS A YOUNG COLT RIGHT NOW.

-TIG...

-LOOKING AT JUNE NOT GOING
ANYWHERE NEAR THAT SERVE,

FOR GOOD REASON.

-OKAY. ALRIGHT.

-OH, HE'S GOT THE SOCKS UP!

IT'S DANGER TIME.
-THERE YOU GO.

-OH, HE'S LOOSENING UP.

-THERE YOU GO.

-WE HAVE ALL THE TIME
IN THE WORLD.

-ONE SECOND, ONE SECOND.

-1-0, TWO.

-OH, ONE IS LOWERING
AT THE OTHER END.

-I'M GOING TO SET MYSELF
FOR EVERY SERVE.

-1-0, TWO.

-LONG.
-OH, OUT.

-LITTLE STRONG.
-2-0, TWO.

FOOT FAULT.
FOOT FAULT.

-YOU CAN SEE PAUL
STEPPING INTO THE KITCHEN LINE

WITHOUT LETTING THE BALL BOUNCE.
OUR LINE JUDGE SAYS NO WAY.

WILL AND TIG GET THE POINT.
SCORE 3-0.

-YOUR KITCHEN WASN'T UP TO CODE.

-FERRELL WITH A SNAPPY
ONE LINER.

THIS GUY KNOWS HOW TO SERVE.

-NICE.
-SOLID BACKHAND

FROM SCHEER THERE.

-SIDE OUT,
CIRCLES BACK TO PAUL, 3-0,

PAUL AND JUNE.

-0-3, ONE.

-OKAY.

0-3, ONE.

-OUT.

-TONIGHT, YOUR DONATION CAN
HELP FAMILIES IN IMMEDIATE NEED.

-DONATE TO COMICRELIEF.ORG.

-NOW, AS WE PICK THIS MATCH
BACK UP,

WILL AND TIG HAVE JUST SCORED
SIX UNANSWERED,

AND, FRANKLY, UNWATCHABLE POINTS
THAT WE HAVE EDITED OUT.

THEY'RE UP 9-3.
YOU'RE WELCOME.

-NICE SERVE, BABE.

-OOH! OOH!

-SHE'S PISSED!
-I KNOW, SHE'S PISSED.

-THERE YOU GO.
-THAT'S WHAT'S UP.

-JUNE IS --
-PISSED.

-SHE'S UPSET.
-YEAH, SWEETIE, YEAH!

LET'S GO.

NICE.

-OH, TOUGH.

-JUNE STEPPING INTO
THE KITCHEN,

BUT SHE LETS IT BOUNCE.

-OH, SHE'S GOOD, THAT --

-SHE IS UNCONSCIOUS.

-MAMA.
-MOMMY!

-THAT WAS A MAMA.
-THAT WAS TOTALLY MOMMY.

-CALLING IT A MAMA.

THAT'S A TERM I BELIEVE THEY'RE
MAKING UP.

NOT SURE WHAT THAT MEANS,
BUT LOOK AT THIS.

I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING.
THAT'S A MAMA,

THAT'S A "MAMA MIA,
HERE WE GO AGAIN."

-EARLY VOTE FOR MVP.

-SHE WAS PERMITTED TO BE
IN THE KITCHEN.

-NICE SERVE.

OUT!
-TOUCH!

-HE DIDN'T TOUCH IT.
-DIDN'T TOUCH.

-I HEARD A TOUCH.
-IT --

I DID HEAR A TOUCH.
-I HEARD IT TOUCH TOO.

-I HEARD IT TOUCH.
-I HEARD IT TOUCH.

-ALRIGHT, SECOND SERVER.

-ALRIGHT.
-I HEARD IT TOUCH.

I'D BE THE FIRST TO SAY

I DIDN'T HEAR A TOUCH,
BUT I HEARD A TOUCH.

-SOME DISPUTE ON THE COURT,
TIG AND OUR LINE JUDGE

BOTH CLAIMING THEY HEARD
PAUL'S PADDLE HIT THE BALL.

WE'D CHECKED,
BUT OUR LINE CAM TECHNOLOGY

ONLY HAS EYES, NOT EARS.
-POINT.

-NOW. I'M NOT HAPPY.

-USE IT.

-ALRIGHT, I'M GOING TO USE IT.

-6-9, TWO.

-COME TO THE KITCHEN.

-MAMA!

-9-6, ONE.

-OH.

-BABE!
-JUNE SEEMS A LITTLE FRUSTRATED

WITH HER HUSBAND RIGHT NOW.

WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED
IF A FIGHT BROKE OUT.

-HE MAY BE SLEEPING IN THE CAR.
-10-6, ONE.

-SORRY.
-I'LL TELL YOU,

NOTHING TESTS A MARRIAGE
LIKE BEING THE BETTER MEMBER

OF A CELEBRITY PICKLEBALL TEAM.

-WE'RE GOING ALL THE WAY, BABE.
-ALL THE WAY, BABE.

-WILL SERVING MATCH POINT.
THIS COULD BE IT.

-BUT NO.

JUNE REFUSING TO LOSE

FORMIDABLE AT THAT KITCHEN LINE.

SHE LIKES IT UP THERE.

-YOUR SERVE, RIGHT OVER THERE.

-SECOND SERVER.

-I TOTALLY KNOW
HOW TO PLAY THIS.

-10-6, TWO.

-COME ON, TIG!

-DAMN IT!
-GET IN!

-OUT!
-THAT'S GOOD.

-WILL AND TIG
UNABLE TO WRAP THIS UP.

JUNE AND PAUL STILL ALIVE.

HERE'S PAUL.

-6-10, ONE.

-NICE SERVE.

-WAS THAT OUT?
-OUT.

LET'S CHECK THAT ONE.
-CHECK THAT ONE.

-AND A BIG SMASH
FROM THE BIG MAN.

-IT WAS SO CLOSE,
BUT THEY CALL IT OUT.

-IT WAS OUT. IT WAS OUT.
-IT WAS OUT.

-HEY, BABE? WE'LL COME BACK.
-OKAY.

-WE'RE STILL BACK.
-I KNOW.

-ARE WE WINNING?
-YES.

-YEAH.
-7-10, AND HERE COME

THE PADDLE-SNAKES.

-LET IT GO --

-WHOA!

-HEY, JUNE!

-BABE, I'M SORRY.
♪ BABE, I'M LEAVIN'

-8-10, HOLDING
FOR SCHEER.

AND HE COMES UP WITH A WINNER.

-TAKE A LOOK AT THAT.

NOT MUCH TIG COULD DO WITH IT.

SHE WAS IN DISBELIEF.

-NICE, BABE.
-HOW FAR ARE WE AHEAD?

-8-10, ONE.
-8-10.

WE'RE UP BY TWO.

-GOT IT.

-OOH, HOW ABOUT THAT?

SHOWED A LITTLE COCKINESS.

A LITTLE FLEXIN'.

-NICE.

-IT'S ALL IN THE SOCKS.

-I EXPECT MORE FROM JUNE.

I'VE SEEN A COUPLE OF PLAYS
THAT SHE JUST LET GO BY HER.

-I DON'T KNOW WHAT MATCH STEVE
IS WATCHING.

I'M TELLING YOU, I THOUGHT
THAT WAS PAUL'S PROBLEM,

BUT IT'S OKAY, STEVE.

-WELL, I DON'T EXPECT
MUCH FROM PAUL.

THAT'S WHAT I EXPECT
FROM PAUL,

WHAT WE JUST SAW RIGHT THERE.

-THANKS, BABE.

I NORMALLY SERVE REALLY WELL.

-NO, YOU'RE GOT --
YOU GOT THIS ONE.

-10-8, ONE.

-MATCH POINT. MATCH POINT.
-MATCH POINT FOR THE THIRD TIME.

-RIGHT?
-CAN THEY GET IT DONE?

-DAMN IT! WHAT THE HELL?
-PARTY TIL...

-YOU CUKE.

-LIKE I'M NOT GOOD AT THIS.
-I WAS GOING TO ASK

THE SAME QUESTION.

-SECOND SERVER,
10-8, TWO.

-WILL NOW SERVING FOR THE WIN.

-UNH!

UNH!

-OH! THAT'S THE WINNER.

THAT'S IT.
-CHICKEN DINNER, MY FRIENDS.

CHICKEN DINNER.
-WILL AND TIG

SENDING THOSE LOVEBIRDS
BACK TO THEIR NEST.

-PARTY TIL YOU CUKE WINS IT,
THEY'RE ON TO THE FINALS.

GIVE A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

-SHE'S BEEN TERRIFIC,
HASN'T SHE?

-TO JUNE AND PAUL,
THEY HAVE DONE THE BEST.

HAVE THEY NOT?
-THEY COMPETED GREAT.

-THE PADDLE-SNAKES WERE AMAZING.

THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR A COMPETITIVE ROUND.

WOW. THAT WAS
A GOOD SEMIFINAL MATCH.

-FUN TO WATCH.
-JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL

DOING EVERYTHING SHE COULD
TO HANG ON.

BUT IT WASN'T ENOUGH.

BIG CONGRATS TO FARRELL
AND NOTARO.

THEY'RE HEADING
TO THE CHAMPIONSHIP

AND THEY'RE WITH JOHN MICHAEL

IN THE OOFOS RECOVERY LOUNGE.

-WELL, PARTY TIL YOU CUKE,

AND CUKE THEY DID INDEED.

FANTASTIC PLAY.

THIS TEAM HAS WON EVERY
SINGLE GAME THAT IT PLAYED.

-THAT'S RIGHT.
-YEP.

-THAT'S RIGHT.

-AND DO YOU PLAN TO WIN
THE NEXT ONE?

-OUR MOTTO HERE,
AT PARTY TIL YOU CUKE IS,

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T --
YOU CAN'T PARTY...

-RIGHT.

...-UNLESS YOU'RE WILLING
TO CUKE,

AND WE'RE WILLING TO CUKE

EVERY TIME WE STEP
ON THE -- ON THE COURT.

-THAT'S RIGHT.

-I GOT IT.
I GOT IT.

-TIG, WILL, IF I CAN JUMP
IN HERE REAL QUICK...

-SURE, STEVE.
-...WAS THERE ANY EMOTION

FOR YOU GUYS OUT THERE?

THERE WERE TIMES AT WHICH
YOU SEEMED ALMOST ANGRY.

-MM.
-I DIDN'T FEEL A THING, STEPHEN.

-DEAD INSIDE?

-YES, ABSOLUTELY.

-WILL, YOUR FEELINGS.

-I FELT DEAD INSIDE AS WELL.

-YEAH.
YOU LOOKED IT.

-YEAH.
-YEAH.

-I CHECKED MY HEART RATE
AT ONE POINT.

I WAS AT A 12.

-UNBELIEVABLE. UNBELIEVABLE.
-I WANT TO PLAY DIERKS BENTLEY.

I AM HERE TO WHUP ASS ON DIERKS.
-WE HAVE --

-I SAW ALL THE WEAKNESSES.

-WE CIRCLED DIERKS' NAME
ON THE ROSTER.

-WILL, YOU SAID
YOU CIRCLE JERKED?

-OH, I HAD MY CUKE OUT, YEP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

-THANKS, GUYS.
-YEP.

-THANKS SO MUCH,
JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS,

MY DEAR FRIEND.

TIG NOTARO AND WILL FERRELL
MOVE ON TO THE FINALS.

JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL
AND PAUL SCHEER ARE OUT.

STILL AHEAD, WE'LL SEE

SUGAR RAY LEONARD
AND EMMA WATSON

VERSUS DIERKS BENTLEY
AND PHIL KEOGHAN.

IT'S GOING TO BE ONE
FOR THE BOOKS.

THIS IS "PICKLED"!

♪♪

...WILL CONTINUE.

-...WILL CONTINUE.

THIS IS CBS.
♪♪

♪♪

-LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
GLAD TO HAVE YOU BACK

BECAUSE OUR PENULTIMATE MATCH,

aka OUR FINAL SEMIFINAL MATCH,

aka OUR MATCH TO DECIDE WHICH

OF OUR PLAYERS
ALMOST LOST THE LEAST,

IS ABOUT TO BEGIN.

CARI, BILL, CARI,

TELL US WHAT WE CAN EXPECT.
CARI, BILL.

-THIS FINAL SEMIFINAL
IS GOING TO BE TOUGH.

DIERKS BENTLEY AND PHIL KEOGHAN

DEFEATED JIMMIE ALLEN
AND MAX GREENFIELD

TO GET HERE TO THIS POINT.

BUT SUGAR AND EMMA DOMINATED

DANIEL DAE KIM
AND LUIS GUZMAN --

A TOTAL SHUTOUT!

BILL, WHO DO YOU THINK

WILL CONTINUE THEIR REIGN
ON TO THE FINALS?

-OH.
-BE HONEST! YOU CANNOT

CHANGE YOUR MIND.
-THE VOLLEY RANCHERS.

YOU'VE GOT TO BEAT THE CHAMP
TO WIN!

SUGAR RAY!

AND THE WAY EMMA WATSON HAS BEEN
PLAYING HAS BEEN SENSATIONAL.

-NO ONE HAS A SERVE LIKE EMMA.

-NO!
-WE CAN HEAR YOU DOWN HERE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

-I'M REALLY GOING
TO GO OUT HERE --

WHEN HARRY NET RALLY.

THAT IS MY CHOICE.

I THINK THEY WILL WIN.

-CARI, YOU KNOW I RESPECT YOU.

YOU'RE LIVING
IN A FANTASY WORLD.

-[ LAUGHS ]
-[ CHUCKLES ]

-I AGREE.
-EMMA AND THE CHAMP ARE

ABOUT TO BRING IT HOT AND HARD.

-OFTENTIMES, I'VE BEEN TOLD.

-BOTH TEAMS VERYCONFIDENT
GOING INTO THIS.

SHOULD BE INTERESTING.

DIERKS BENTLEY
WITH THE FIRST SERVE.

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

-UH-OH.

OOH!

WAIT! OOH!

AGH!
IT'S OUT.

[ OHHS AND APPLAUSE ]

AN EXHILARATING EXCHANGE.

FOUR VERY SKILLED PLAYERS
GOING AT EACH OTHER HERE.

-1-0-2.
-THANK YOU, BUDDY.

-HEY, STEVE.

-YES, CARI.
-SHOULD WE MAKE A SMALL WAGER?

-SURE.
I'LL BET YOU A JAR OF PICKLES.

-I WAS GOING TO SAY YOU HAVE
TO EAT A PICKLE.

-OH, YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

FUN AND GAMES UP HERE,
BUT ON THE COURT,

DEADLY SERIOUS!

AS SUGAR RAY SERVES.

-0-1-1.

-OOH!

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
-POINT.

-OKAY.

-1-1-1.

NOPE, OUT.

POINT.
-BILL, THAT'S A GOOD EYE

FROM LEONARD RIGHT THERE.

-BIG ERROR FROM DIERKS.

HE NEEDS TO STOP THINKIN'
AND START PICKLIN'.

-NO!
-OUT. POINT.

-PHIL'S VOLLEY JUST A LITTLE
TOO AGGRESSIVE RIGHT THERE.

HE COULDN'T KEEP IT IN.

VOLLEY RANCHERS, 3-3-1.

-3-1-1.

-OKAY, YOU GUYS HAVE FUN.

GETTING OFF TO A GOOD START.

-YEP.

-OOH, NICE!

[ OHHS AND APPLAUSE ]

-SECOND SERVER.

-WATCH THIS SERVE FROM WATSON.

-HER SERVE IS BEAUTIFUL.
-YEAH, IT IS.

SHE'S PLAYED A LOT OF TENNIS.

-YOU CAN TELL.
-LOOK AT THAT.

-OKAY.
-SIDE OUT.

-HERE WE GO.

-THEM.

-YOUR SERVE.

VERY COMPETITIVE MATCH SHAPING
UP ON THE COURT RIGHT NOW,

BUT WILL AND TIG ARE STANDING BY

TO REMIND US
OF THE IMPORTANT STUFF.

-PLEASE HELP CHILDREN
AND FAMILIES THRIVE.

-YOU CAN GIVE AT...

-THANKS, GUYS.

WHILE WE WERE AWAY, THERE WAS

A DRAMATIC REVERSAL OF FORTUNE.
-7-5-1.

-WE NOW JUMP AHEAD.

BENTLEY AND KEOGHAN, UP 7-5.

PHIL SERVING.

[ CHEERING ]

[ APPLAUSE ]
-[ GRUNTS ]

OOH!
-SECOND SERVER.

[ WHISTLING ]

-WHERE --
WHERE DID SHE READ THAT?

-I DON'T KNOW.
-I DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE'S --

-7-5-2.

-LOOK AT THIS RALLY.
-SMASH IT!

-THERE'S THE SMASH.
-RIGHT THERE!

-OH!
-HE DIDN'T HAVE IT.

-WHEW!
-THE POWER!

-THAT'S THE CHAMP.

THAT'S THE SUGAR RAY
WE KNOW AND LOVE.

THE CHAMP IS BACK!

-OH, HE LOVES IT, TOO.

-EMMA'S SERVE.
-THAT MADE UP

FOR A COUPLE OF WHIFFS.

-NICE SHOT.

-ALRIGHT.
-5-7-1.

-IT'S ALL ON WATSON'S
STURDY SHOULDERS.

-5 SERVING 7.

5 SERVING 7.

-NICE [INDISTINCT].
-THAT'S IT.

-OOH, IT WAS IN.

[ OOHS AND APPLAUSE ]

-WHAT ANTICIPATION.

-5 SMOKING7.

-A ONE-TWO PUNCH
WITH EMMA AND SUGAR.

-THEY'VE GOT A TON OF CHEMISTRY.

THE CROWD IS ROOTING FOR THEM.

THE ONLY QUESTION, THOUGH,
IS CAN THEY PULL THIS OFF?

-BUT HANG ON, CARI.
NOT SO FAST.

THERE'S A FLAG ON THE PLAY HERE.

-WHAT HAPPENED?
-OKAY. OH, IT'S GREAT.

BUT YOU HAD
TO LET THE BALL BOUNCE

-IT BOUNCED TWICE.
-FOR THAT SECOND BOUNCE.
-TWICE?

-OUR LINE JUDGE POINTING OUT
THAT LEONARD DID NOT

LET THE SERVE RETURN BOUNCE.

THEY LOSE THE POINT.

SERVE TO LEONARD.

-ALRIGHT, HERE WE GO.
5-7-2.

-I WANT TO POINT OUT,
MY FRIENDS,

THAT IS THE SECOND OUTFIT
FOR EMMA WATSON TONIGHT.

-SOME PEOPLE CAME PREPARED.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE
ANOTHER JACKET, DID YOU?

-I DO, ACTUALLY.

I HAVE A DARKER GREEN JACKET,

IN CASE I BLOW THROUGH THIS ONE.

-[ LAUGHS ]

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

-AAH!
-OH!

WHAT A PLAY BY SUGAR!

-SUGAR RAY LEONARD GOES SKY HIGH

WITH THE LOB!
A TRICKY SHOT,

BUT, OF COURSE,
HE MAKES IT LOOK EASY.

-YOU GUYS HAVE A NICE
LITTLE MOMENT.
-OH, NO, WE'RE

-IT'S A NICE MOMENT.
-GOING TO BEAT YOU.

WE'RE GOING TO CATCH UP
AND WE'RE GOING TO WIN.

-THIS IS WHERE
THE STORY CHANGES.
-WATCH THIS.

-DIERKS IS TRYING TO GET
IN THEIR HEADS,

BUT EMMA, SHE'S NOT HAVING IT,
AND I LIKE IT.

THE VALLEY RANCHERS ARE
DOWN 6-7.

LEONARD HAS THE SERVE.

-I WANT TO SAY,
WILL FERRELL'S GIVING ME --

HE'S OFFERING ME A PICKLE
RIGHT NOW.

MAY I HAVE IT, WILL?
-NO, DON'T EAT IT.

THE CAMERA GUY SAID
REALLYDON'T EAT IT.

EVIDENTLY,
THAT WAS A PROP PICKLE

BEING USED FOR A PHOTO SHOOT
A LITTLE LATER TODAY.

TOO BAD. LOOKED TASTY.
-[ LAUGHS ]

-SERVE GOING BACK
TO PHIL AND DIERKS.

-NICE.

-[ GRUNTS ]

[ CHEERING ]

OH!

OH.

OH.

[ CHEERING ]

OUT, OUT, OUT!

-LEONARD JUST BARELY
MISSING THERE.

-HE'S OUT.
-THESE GUYS ARE TOUGH.

-LET'S FINISH IT OFF.
-EVERYTHING YOU GOT.

-8-6-1.

OUT.

[ APPLAUSE ]
-OUT, OUT.

-8-6-2.

IT HAPPENS.
-8-6-2.

-OH, HIGH.
-HOW ABOUT THAT ONE?

-HIGH SERVE.

DIERKS LOFTING BALL.

DIFFERENT LOOK.
INTERESTING.

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

[ OHHS ]
-POINT.
-YEAH.

-ALRIGHT, BILL, THAT PAYS OFF.

WHEN HARRY NET RALLY UP 9-6.
-LET'S DO THIS.

ON YOUR SERVE.

-NOW, WE GOT THIS.
-WE GOT IT.

-VOLLEY RANCHERS HAVE
TO DIG DOWN.

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

[ OHHS ]

-PRETTY IMPRESSIVE.

-BENTLEY IS UNBEATABLE UP THERE,
SO STRONG AT THE KITCHEN LINE.

[ OHHS ]

-OKAY, THIS IS INTERESTING.
IT'S MATCH POINT,

BUT EMMA IS CALLING
FOR A TIME-OUT,

A CHANCE TO REGROUP, POSSIBLY.

-OKAY, GUYS!

-EMMA!
-WOW! WATSON AND LEONARD

APPEALING TO THE CROWD.

-WE GOT TO WIN 4 OR 5 POINTS
IN A ROW.

WE'RE GOING TO NEED
EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU

TO BE ON OUR SIDE, OKAY?

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
WE NEED EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU

TO BE HERE FOR US, YES.

-OKAY.
-[BLEEP] THESE GUYS.

WE HAVE TO WIN!

I WANT TO HEAR "EMMA AND RAY!

EMMA AND RAY!"

-THAT IS GOODWILL
AMBASSADORSHIP IN ACTION.

-PRETTY IMPRESSIVE NOTE, STEVE.

-IT'S JUST SO SAD.
THERE'S ONE POINT LEFT.

I'M SERVING.
IT'S GOING TO BE OVER.

ALL IN VAIN.

GOING TO BE A WASTE
OF TIME FOR THEM.

-PERSONALLY, I'M PULLING
FOR EMMA AND SUGAR RAY.

I REALLY WANT TO SEE
WHAT HER THIRD OUTFIT COULD BE.

-[ LAUGHS ]
-MY MONEY'S ON JUMPSUIT.

-MATCH POINT.

-YOURS.

-OH!
-OH, YES.

STAYING ALIVE.

THEY'RE STILL IN THIS.

-MY BAD
SET YOU UP THERE.

-THAT WAS A HARD STAREDOWN
FROM HER.

-YEAH.
-EMMA!

-EMMA STARING THEM DOWN.

SHE IS LOCKED IN.

-ALRIGHT, HERE WE GO.
-[ CHANTING ] EMMA! EMMA!

EMMA! EMMA! EMMA!
-6-2.

-HERE WE GO.
-NOW, THEY GOT A WHOLE SERVE

TO GET BACK IN THIS.

-OKAY.

[ OHHS AND APPLAUSE ]

-SECOND SERVER.

-PHIL AND DIERKS FEELING
THEMSELVES A LITTLE BIT.

-NO ONE WANTS YOU TO WIN.

-[ LAUGHS ]
I DO.

-I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

-I GOT TWO PEOPLE.
-6-10-2.

-[ TRILLS ]

-IRON EAGLE.

[ OHHS ]
DAMN!

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

-7-10.

[ LAUGHS ]
-7-10-2.

-WHAT IS ON THE LINE, BILL?

WHAT ARE THEY PLAYING FOR?

-WELL, THE STEPHEN CUP.

-[ LAUGHS ]
-STEPHEN COLBERT.

-THE COLBERT CUP, BILL.

THE STEPHEN CUP
IS WHAT I'M WEARING,

IN CASE I GET HIT
BY ONE OF THE BALLS.

-OKAY. OKAY.
-[ LAUGHS ]

UH-OH.

STAY AT THE NET,

RIGHT BEHIND THE KITCHEN LINE.

[ OHHS ]

-OOH!

-ALRIGHT, LET'S DO THIS.
-10-7-1.

-LET'S FINISH IT OFF.
-EVERYTHING YOU GOT.

-PHIL SERVING MATCH POINT.
-COME ON, PHIL.

OOH!

OOH!
-OH, IS SHE GOOD.

-[ GRUNTS ]
-OH!

-POINT, GAME.

-SUGAR COMES UP EMPTY.

WHAT A LOW BLOW FOR HIM.

AND THAT ENDS THE MATCH.

-YOU ARE KILLER.

OH, MY GOD.
I LOVE HOW COMPETITIVE

YOU BOTH ARE.
-YOU ARE.

YOU STARED ME DOWN THERE.
-HOLY HELL.

-YOU STARED MEDOWN.

-BILL, CARI,
A GRIPPING MATCH THERE.

WATSON AND LEONARD
FOUGHT HONORABLY,

BUT, ULTIMATELY, K.O.'d
BY PHIL AND DIERKS,

WHO ARE STANDING BY IN THE
OOFOS RECOVERY LOUNGE.

-HOW DOES IT FEEL, GUYS?!

LOOK WHO'S GOING TO THE FINALS!

-HOW DID THIS EVEN HAPPEN?

-I HAVE NO IDEA.

-IT'S JUST ALL A BLUR.

-YEAH.
-SUGAR RAY LEONARD WAS

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COURT,
SMASHING THOSE THINGS,

AND EMMA, I MEAN,
THE LOOK IN HER EYE.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,
BUT I WAS INTIMIDATED.

-SHE WAS SHOOTING DAGGERS.

I MEAN, SHE WAS SHOOTING LIKE
JUST STAREDOWNS.

-DIERKS, PHIL,
DO YOU HAVE A PLAN?

-TO WIN.
-OKAY.
-YEAH.

-YEAH.
-THERE IT IS. KEEP IT SIMPLE.

-GOOD LUCK, BOYS.
-THANK YOU.

-THANK YOU.
-NOT GOING TO NEED IT,

BUT THANKS.
-STEPHEN.

-THANK YOU,
JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS.

HOW'S IT GOING AT HOME?

HAVE YOU WON YOUR FAMILY
"PICKLED" BRACKET YET?

WELL, AFTER YOU COLLECT
FROM YOUR CHILDREN AND GRANDMA,

HOW ABOUT PAYING IT FORWARD
BY VISITING...

...AND COMING THEM IN ON SOME
OF THAT SWEET, SWEET ACTION?

NEXT UP, WILL FERRELL
AND TIG NOTARO

FACE DIERKS BENTLEY
AND PHIL KEOGHAN

IN THE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH.

PLUS, AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW

WITH THE QUEEN OF DINK
HERSELF...

THE COLBERT CUP IS ON THE LINE.

...WILL CONTINUE.

♪♪

-...WILL CONTINUE.

THIS IS CBS.
♪♪

♪♪

-WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

A LIGHT RAIN IS NOW FALLING

AS WE AWAIT
OUR CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH,

BUT IT GAVE ME A CHANCE
TO SIT DOWN

WITH ONE OF OUR TOUGHEST
COMPETITORS -- EMMA WATSON.

SHE GAVE EVERYTHING
SHE HAD TODAY.

PUT ON A HECK OF A SHOW.

SHE JOINS ME IN THE PERGOLA.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I'M HONORED TO BE SITTING HERE

WITH A WOMAN WHOM MANY HAVE
CALLED THE QUEEN OF DINK.

-WOW!

PEOPLE HAVE BEEN SAYING THAT?

-EMMA WATSON. EMMA, TELL ME,
HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

YOU PLAYED SO BEAUTIFULLY TODAY.

THERE'S A LOT OF CHATTER HERE
AT "PICKLED" THAT,

WIN OR LOSE,
YOU'RE OUR MVP TODAY.

-REALLY?!
-ABSOLUTELY.

-THAT'S GOING TO MAKE ME CRY.

[ LAUGHS ]
-NOT ONLY -- NOT ONLY

WITH THE FEROCITY
OF YOUR PLAY...

-YES.
-...THE FIRE IN THE BELLY...

-YES.
-...BUT THE GRACE AND THE STYLE

YOU BROUGHT TO THE PLAY TODAY.
-UGH, STEPHEN!

-I MEAN, YOU MAY NOT HAVE WON
THE ENTIRE THING,

BUT, ULTIMATELY,
YOU WON SOMETHING HIGHER,

AND THAT'S THE HEARTS AND MINDS
OF THIS AUDIENCE TONIGHT.

-I HAD, HONESTLY,
THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

LIKE GETTING TO PLAY A SPORT
WITH SUGAR RAY LEONARD.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
-THE CHAMP.

-I BROUGHT EVERYTHING TO THIS.

-WELL --
-IT WAS PERSONAL.

-EMMA --
-IT WAS VERY PERSONAL.

-YOU MAY NOT HAVE WON TONIGHT...

-I KNOW, I KNOW.
-IN A LARGER SENSE...

BUT YOU COULD STILL BE A WINNER,
IN THE END, BECAUSE, OBVIOUSLY,

WE'RE GOING TO SUBMIT TONIGHT'S
SPECIAL FOR AN EMMY.

-STOP.
-WE HAVE PREPARED FOR YOU

A MONOLOGUE.

IT'LL BE IN THE PROMPTER, LIKE
ALL THE BEST MONOLOGUES ARE.

-OKAY. WOW.
-WOULD YOU LIKE
TO GIVE IT A SHOT?

-[ LAUGHING ]
I WOULD LOVE TO GIVE IT A SHOT.

-OKAY, SO, LET'S LET'S GET HER
PREPPED OVER THERE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AND NOW,
SWINGING FOR THE FENCES...

[ SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS ]
-MUM TO DEREK.

MUM TO DEREK.
DO YOU READ ME, SON?

I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.

WE BOTH KNEW
IT WAS A ONE-WAY TICKET

WHEN I SIGNED UP
FOR THIS MISSION.

I CAME TO DEEP SPACE
TO FIND ALIEN LIFE,

BUT I FOUND SOMETHING EVEN MORE
MYSTERIOUS AND WONDERFUL.

I WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR MOTHER.

BUT I AM MORE THAN THAT.

IT TOOK SPACE FOR ME TO FIND ME.

SO, WHENEVER YOU MISS ME,

JUST GAZE INTO THE STARS

AND KNOW THAT,
SOMEWHERE UP THERE...

...MY FROZEN BODY

IS LOOKING DOWN ON YOU
AND SMILING.

OR GRIMACING.

GUESS IT DEPENDS ON THE FACE
I MAKE WHEN I FREEZE TO DEATH.

YEAH.

LOVE, MUM.

[ HUSHED ]
OVER.

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

-WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THIS IS IT.

THE ROAD TO THE FINALS
HAS BROUGHT US ALL HERE,

TO THIS DAY,
THIS CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH,

THIS MOMENT TOGETHER.

THE COURT'S BEEN ZAMBONI'D,

OUR AUDIENCE
IS KNAWING EXCITEDLY

ON THEIR COMPLIMENTARY
CLAUSSEN PICKLE SPEARS,

AND ME?

ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT,
BILL, CARI.

THIS IS EXCITING.
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE HERE.

-LIKE HOW CLOSE TO THE EDGE?

-LIKE ONLY ONE BUTT CHEEK IS
STILL ON

THE SEAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]

-THANKS, STEVE. IT IS TIME
FOR OUR CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH!

WE BEGIN!

DIERKS HAS THE SERVE.

-THIS ONE'S FOR ALL THE PICKLES.

-READY?

-0-0-2!

-I THINK [INDISTINCT]
THE KITCHEN.

-WHOA!
-SIDE OUT.

[ WHISTLING ]

-PHIL KEOGHAN THROWS AWAY
THE ADVANTAGE RIGHT THERE.

-OKAY.

-BILL, YOU THINK THIS MATCH
WILL BE WON IN THE KITCHEN?

-I DO.
HARRY NET RALLY --

THEY'RE VERY GOOD GETTING
TO THE LINE.

YOU CAN SEE RIGHT HERE.

-SOME GRADE A PICKLING HERE.
NO SURPRISE.

THESE ARE, APPARENTLY,
THE TWO BEST TEAMS.

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
-NICE.

-SECOND SERVER.
-PUNISHMENT DOWN THE MIDDLE.

RIGHT? THE PUNISHMENT
DOWN THE MIDDLE.

-WILL GETS JAMMED UP.
COSTLY MISTAKE.

GOT TO GET CLOSER
TO THAT LINE, WILL.

DIERKS AND PHIL TAKE ADVANTAGE.

-0-0-2.

-PUSHED BACK
INTO THAT BACK COURT.
-SIDE OUT.

[ WHISTLING ]

-WHERE DID THE CHEERING GO?

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
-WHERE DID IT GO?

-TIG AND WILL LOOKING
FOR SOME SUPPORT FROM THE CROWD,

HYPING THEM UP.
-0-0-1.

-[ CHANTING ]
LET'S GO, TIG!

LET'S GO, TIG!
-THE CROWD IS CHANTING FOR TIG.

HARD TO SAY IF IT'S
BECAUSE THEY WANT TO

OR BECAUSE THEY WERE TOLD TO.

-THAT WAS CLOSE,
BUT A LITTLE LONG FROM TIG,

AND SHE KNOWS IT, TOO.

-THE SCORE?

-1-0-1?

-IF I HIT HIM, DOES IT COUNT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

-RIGHT HERE.
-RIGHT HERE.

[ OHHS AND APPLAUSE ]

-HARRY NET RALLY, 2.

PARTY TILL YOU CUKE, 0.

-GO EASY ON ME, DIERKS.

-SORRY.
I DIDN'T TRY TO DO THAT.

-2-0-1.

-DIERKS WITH THE SERVE.

WILL'S RETURN IS NICE.

-YEAH, HE'S REALLY DONE --

LOOK AT THIS.
-OH.

-WHERE THERE'S
A WILL FERRELL'S WILL,

THERE'S A WAY.

LET'S BREAK
AWAY FROM THE ACTION.

QUICK MESSAGE FROM JAIME CAMIL
AND AISHA TYLER.

-TO EVERYONE WATCHING RIGHT NOW,
THE BALL IS IN YOUR COURT.

-YEAH, SO, PLEASE, GO DONATE NOW

TO HELP CHANGE THE LIFE
OF A CHILD.

-GO TO...

-REALLY APPRECIATE THOSE TWO
LOSING FOR A GOOD CAUSE TODAY.

SPEAKING OF LOSING,
BACK TO THE FINAL,

WHERE DIERKS AND PHIL HAVE TAKEN
A COMMANDING 6-0 LEAD.

MAKE THAT 7-0.

-WOW! I AM SHOCKED.
THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE,

WHAT WE'RE WATCHING RIGHT NOW.
-DID NOT SEE THIS COMING.

-I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING.

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE,
WHAT WE'RE WATCHING.

WILL AND TIG, FORMIDABLE.
-MM.

WOW.
-FORMIDABLE!

AND, YET, WE'RE WATCHING THEM
-TIG JUST WATCHED THAT ONE

WALK BY.
-BE PICKED APART.

-8-0-2.
-OUT!

-PHIL SERVING.
-WE CALL IT OUT.

-A LONG WAY TO GO AT 8-0.

-I DO NOT BELIEVE
THAT PARTY TIL YOU CUKE

WILL NOT SCORE.

-[ GRUNTS ]
-OH, GOD.

-OOH.
[ OHHS AND APPLAUSE ]

-WILL IS JUST NOT COORDINATED.

DO YOU THINK, PERHAPS...
-FATIGUE.

-...HE'S -- YES, IT'S SET IN.
-FATIGUE.

-THIS IS ALL ABOUT CONDITIONING,
AT THIS POINT.

-IS NOW A GOOD TIME TO TALK
TO YOU ABOUT GETTING A MOVIE?

-YEAH, I DON'T -- I MEAN, IF WE
START GETTING SOME POINTS...

-INTERESTING.
WILL SEEMS TO BE DANGLING

A MOVIE ROLE FOR DIERKS,

IN EXCHANGE
FOR SOME POINTS HERE.

-9-0-2.
-QUID PRO QUO. I LIKE IT.

[ OHHS AND APPLAUSE ]
-NICE.
-KEOGHAN TAKES THE BAIT.

-SIDE OUT.
-THAT WAS NOT GOOD.

-[ LAUGHS ]

-THAT WAS TERRIBLE.

-YEAH.
-THAT WAS TERRIBLE, PHIL.

-LET'S GO, PHIL!

-[ CHANTING ] LET'S GO, TIG!
-BOY.

-LET'S GO, TIG!

LET'S GO, TIG!

LET'S GO, TIG!
WHEN HARRY NET RALLY, 9.

PARTY TIL YOU CUKE, 0.

-I'D LOVE TO SEE THEM GET
ON THE BOARD HERE.

-THEY AT LEAST HAVE TO GET
ON THE BOARD.

-YEAH!

YEAH!

-NO!
-OH!

[ OHHS AND APPLAUSE ]
-POINT!

-WE GOT A POINT.
-BABE, WE'RE BACK.

-WE'RE BACK.

WE ARE BACK!

-I LIKE IT, WILL.
INDEED, THEY ARE.

THANKS TO WILL'S BACKHAND.

KEOGHAN JUST COULDN'T HANDLE IT.

WILL WITH THE SERVE.

-1-9-1.

[ CHEERING ]

-SORRY.
HE SET YOU UP.

HE SET YOU UP!
-WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

-LOOK WHAT HE DID!
HE SET YOU UP!

-WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

YOU KNEW I DIDN'T HAVE
A CHANCE.

-WITH A PARTNER LIKE WILL,
YOU DON'T EVEN NEED AN OPPONENT.

I MEAN, HE JUST SET YOU UP
LIKE THAT, SO BAD.
-[ LAUGHS ]

-I EXPECTED MORE OF YOU.

-TIG HAS THE SERVE NOW.

TEAM IS DOWN 1-9.

[ CHEERING ]
-THERE YOU GO.

-OH!
-OOH!

[ WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE ]
-POINT.

-DOWN THE MIDDLE,
SOLVE THE RIDDLE.

-SOLVE THE RIDDLE.

-STILL ALIVE.

-THEY ARE STILL ALIVE.

THEY WILL NOT GO QUIETLY
INTO THE NIGHT.

WE ARE WATCHING A COMEBACK,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

BILL, WHAT'S THE SCORE?

-2, SERVER.
9, RECEIVER.

-NICE.
-OUT.
-YES.

-GOT EXCITED.
-POINT.

-WOW, THAT WAS BAD.

-THEY'RE STARTING TO CRUMBLE.

-LONG WAY TO GO.

-THAT WASN'T GOOD, DIERKS.

-2-9-2.

-[ LAUGHING ] 2-9-2.

-2-9-3 NOW.

-OKAY, HERE WE GO.
HERE WE GO.

-KEOGHAN NEEDS TO GET CLOSER
TO THAT KITCHEN LINE

AND STAY THERE.
-THIS IS WHERE THE -- OOH!

-WOW, THEY DID TALK.

-TIG.
-THEY DID TALK.

-[ LAUGHING ] LOOK AT TIG.

THE LOOK.
-ALMOST.

-THAT HURTS, TO SEE THE LACK
OF CONNECTION BETWEEN YOU TWO.

THAT BREAKS MY HEART
A LITTLE BIT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

-SIDE OUT.
-NO, NO.

-SORRY, BABE.
-I'MSORRY, BABE.

-TWO POINTS AWAY.

-9-3-1.
-OKAY, HERE WE GO.

-STAY BACK, STAY BACK.

STAY BACK, STAY BACK.

-ON THE LINE.

-NICE.

-WHOO!

-NICE.

NICE.

-OH!
-THAT MIDDLE THING

IS THE PROBLEM.

-OOPS, THEY DID IT AGAIN.

DIERKS PUTS IT
RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE.

IT'S ALMOST AS IF DIERKS BENTLEY

IS TRYINGTO WIN THIS.
-GUYS! GUYS!

-BACK TO THE COURT.
-YOU'VE SEEN MY WEAKNESS.

DON'T GO AFTER IT.
-WELL, HONESTLY,

THE FOREHAND SHOULD BE COMING
OVER TO CATCH --

POACHING, GOT TO POACH THAT.

-I DON'T KNOW IF MY MIC IS ON,
BUT TIG IS A HORRIBLE PARTNER.

-OH, I SEE.
WILL'S PLAYING THE BLAME GAME.

I GET IT.
-THANKS, BABE.

-WHO PAIRED ME WITH TIG?!

OH!

-GAME POINT RIGHT HERE.

-HERE WE ARE WITH DIERKS
AND PHIL.

SERVING FOR THE CHAMPIONSHIP.

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

-YOURS.
-GET 'EM, WILL!

-THERE WE GO.
-OOH!

-LOOK AT THAT. OH, YEAH!
-OOH!

-THERE YOU GO.
OH, YEAH!

[ OHHS AND APPLAUSE ]

-THAT'S IT.

[ FIREWORKS EXPLODING ]
HOLY SHOOT!

HOLY FARKING SHOOT!

-[ LAUGHS ]

-I'M SORRY!

-WHEN HARRY NET RALLY.

THE CHAMPIONS!

-WOW.
-THEY MAY HAVE ICED THE KICKER.

-THEY MAY HAVE, BUT I THINK
THEY WERE ICED A LONG TIME AGO.

-UNBELIEVABLE.
THIS IS ONE

FOR THE RECORD BOOKS
AND THE HISTORY BOOKS.

SEND THIS TAPE RIGHT
TO THE SMITHSONIAN.

-I THOUGHT THEY WERE SAYING PHIL
AND, ALL THIS TIME,

I JUST FOUND OUT IT WAS WILL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

-WHEN WE COME BACK,

THE PRESENTATION
OF THE COVETED COLBERT CUP.

♪♪

"PICKLED" WILL CONTINUE.

THIS IS CBS.
♪♪

[ MARCH PLAYS ]

-WELCOME BACK TO "PICKLED."

TODAY, WE'VE BORNE WITNESS
TO MOMENTS OF COURAGE,

DEVASTATING HEARTBREAK...

[ OHHS ]

...RAW EMOTION.

BUT ABOVE ALL,

THE TRIUMPH OF ENDURANCE,
FORTITUDE, AND GRACE.

NOW, PLEASE WELCOME
TO CENTER COURT,

FOR THE PRESENTATION
OF THE COLBERT CUP,

MR. STEPHEN COLBERT.

-THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

PLEASE SIT DOWN.

[ LAUGHTER ]
BEFORE I BESTOW THIS TROPHY

UPON OUR TOURNAMENT'S CHAMPIONS,

I JUST WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE
THE HARD WORK,

RESILIENCE, AND DEDICATION
OF MY FELLOW BROADCASTERS,

CARI CHAMPION,

BILL RAFTERY,

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS,

AND, OF COURSE,

HALF-SOUR HARVEY.

WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT?
LOOK AT THAT.

HALF-SOUR HARVEY'S GOT HIMSELF
A PAIR OF OOFOS.

AND IS IT JUST ME

OR DOES HIS MOOD SEEM
SIGNIFICANTLY BRIGHTER?

TALK ABOUT THAT OOFOS RECOVERY.

HARV IS FEELING THE OO.

I LOVE YOU, HARVEY.

YOU DESERVE EVERY HAPPINESS
IN THE WORLD.

WELL, WE'VE MADE
HISTORIC TELEVISION HERE TODAY

AND WE SHOULD ALL BE PROUD.

AND, AT THIS TIME, I WOULD LIKE
TO GIVE A MUCH SMALLER TROPHY

THAN THIS ONE TO OUR RUNNERS UP,
TIG NOTARO AND WILL FERRELL.

COME ON IN.

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
-YOU'RE GOING TO WANT THIS.

-THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
-YEAH.

[ LAUGHS ]
-HERE YOU GO.

-THAT'S THE ONE WE WANTED.

-IT'S THE NOT FIRST PLACE
TROPHY.

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU DID YOUR BEST.

IT WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH

AND THIS TROPHY'S REALLY
JUST A REMINDER OF THAT.

-WE'RE SIMPLY NOT THE BEST.

-AND, IF YOU GUYS COULD GO,

I GOT TO GIVE THE BIG TROPHY
TO THE PEOPLE WHO WON.

-[ LAUGHS ]

-THANK YOU.
OFF YOU GO.

AND NOW, THE CHAMPIONS
OF "PICKLED" 2022 --

PHIL KEOGHAN AND DIERKS BENTLEY!

-YES!
-GENTLEMEN.

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

[ TRIUMPHANT TUNE SOARS ]

♪♪

CONGRATULATIONS, ONCE AGAIN,

TO PHIL KEOGHAN
AND DIERKS BENTLEY,

AND TO ALL THE STARS
WHO WORKED SO VALIANTLY

TO TURN THIS HOBBY INTO A SPORT
WORTHY OF A TELEVISED SPECIAL.

AND TO YOU, THE VIEWERS AT HOME,
FOR DONATING TO COMIC RELIEF.

REMEMBER, EVEN THOUGH
OUR TOURNAMENT MAY BE OVER,

YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO GIVE
LIVES ON.

FROM EVERYONE HERE AT "PICKLED,"
THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.

♪♪

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