Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome.

Welcome to the opening ceremony of

the Ellis Bell satanic experience.

Now, 120 years ago to this very day,

a young man named Ellis Bell

walked out of that house, along that footpath, and into that summer house.

There, he wrote a book that would put our

much loved village of Upper Wharton on the map.

The book was called The House of Satan.

Now, as we all know, a major movie.

The part of Ellis Bell will be

♪

movie and another of Upper Warden's

most famous sons, Larry Smith.

♪

Larry, Larry, it's five grand in cash for

walking down a path and into a summer house.

I ain't wearing no bleeding rug.

I've, uh, put a little surprise in there for you.

What?

Tiny soup song of your favorite Peruvian marching powder?

So march your bleeding plates down that bleeding path.

Know what I mean, son?

♪

♪

♪

Stop, Troy, stop.

We go down the hill, Troy.

I thought we were going to Upper Warden.

Yeah, we are. Upper Warden is down the hill.

Lower Warden is up the hill.

That doesn't make any sense.

Troy, this is Midsomer.

Sorry, I forgot.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

A bomb?

Semtex, something of the sort.

I'm told you can buy it at car boot sales if you know where to look.

Triggered by what?

Past experience, I'd say some sort of remote control device.

Where's our body?

In a bag.

It was a big explosion, so he was somewhat dispersed.

Troy says I should recognize the name.

Larry Smith.

Nah, Larry Smith.

Why are you putting on that absurd voice?

Well, that's the way he used to talk.

He made his name in a TV series about

lovable East End gangsters called Diamond Geezers.

He was famous?

Never out the tabloids.

Usual stuff, birds and booze, you know.

So what's a famous Diamond Geezer doing in a stately home like this, then?

Apparently, he was the vicar's son.

♪

♪

♪

♪

Here comes the bogeyman.

Mike, what's the story?

Ah.

So, what do we tell him?

We maintain the family tradition.

We tell him the truth.

That isn't at all what I said.

Detective Chief Inspector Barnaby.

Ah, Robert Smythe-Webster, how do you do?

Please, sir.

Accept my deepest sympathy.

Oh, noted and appreciated, Inspector.

We kept you a seat.

Thank you.

So,

let me tell you who everybody is.

My younger brother, Simon, his wife, Laura.

Oh, and over there is my youngest brother, who will join us when it suits him.

Yes, yes.

Me, darling.

Forgive me, Inspector, this is my third wife, Wendy.

Fourth.

and Larry Smith was your son.

-Yes. -He was my son.

We brought him up as Lawrence Smythe Webster.

Larry Smith was a creature he invented after he left.

That is not entirely fair.

Ah, this is my youngest brother, Francis, Inspector, who answers to Frank.

We were telling Inspector Barnaby all about our nephew.

He had lovely eyelashes.

Um, do you all live in, um, Upper Warden?

You're looking at a 1-year-old family tradition, Barnaby.

The firstborn son stays at home.

We live in the East Wing.

The next son goes into the church and becomes the vicar of Upper Warden.

And the youngest goes off to the Crusades.

But I decided to join the godless infidels and became a movie producer.

Oh, you produced the, uh, The House of Satan?

It's the highest-grossing UK finance movie of the last decade.

Gross is an appropriate word.

Well, we need a large room where we can, uh, set up a temporary headquarters.

Oh, absolutely.

No problem.

Simon will lend you the church school room.

We need the schoolroom for the Sunday school anniversary concert rehearsals.

It's God's will, Simon.

-No, it isn't. -It's your will.

Now, for Warden, it's all the same thing.

Hi Danny.

Hiya Phil.

Coffee?

You bet.

What are you doing here?

Catching another summer out?

I made a start.

And then I had to check her ladyship's jacuzzi.

Oh, you're not the first.

Here's to poor Larry.

Yeah.

Poor Larry.

So, have you, er, got any more coffee?

Go on.

See you down at the club later.

Yeah, later.

Apparently, it's all a pack of lies.

Who says?

The man I was standing next to in the line of peasants.

Local chap dressed as the village blacksmith.

He said Ellis Bell never went near the summer house.

He wrote the book in the neighboring village of Lower Warden.

My chap claimed the film was a

travesty, and it was all Oliver Cromwell's fault.

Do you know this fellow again?

I doubt it.

He was covered in whiskers.

He was local, was he?

He wasn't one of the Causton Amdram lot.

Definitely local.

We were only there to make up the numbers.

Day in the fresh air, buffet lunch.

Rather a good lunch, as a matter of fact.

Danny the chef's speciality, meatballs.

Sweet boy.

Apparently, he just lost his mother, but he still insisted on turning up.

All on your own, sir?

Yes, Danny.

The family's deserted me.

We're all very sorry about what happened this afternoon, sir.

Thank you, Danny.

Very kind.

And I do appreciate the fact that you turned up at all today.

Because of my mum.

So soon after the funeral.

She brought Larry into the world, you know.

Did the same for me, I suppose.

I wonder if you realize the full tragic irony of today's whole sorry business.

Well, getting blown up's got to be a bit tragic.

The irony is that from the point of view of the film and of this place,

Larry's death would be terribly good for business.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Morning. Morning. Morning.

I'd like to talk to Mr. Frank Smythe-Webster.

He calls himself Frank Webster.

Well, I want to talk to him under either of his names.

He's working out in the Ellisville Motagen.

Don't blame me.

It's a marketing concept.

Thank you, Helen.

Mike, don't panic.

No, no, no, no.

My friend, there is no problem.

I mean, wasn't it Gertrude Stein who said a geyser is a geyser is a geyser?

Yes, well...

I'll call you back.

Inspector Barnaby, how can I help you?

My first choice.

Who stood to gain by killing your nephew?

Well, certainly not me.

You realize we start shooting House of Satan 2 next month?

No, no, I didn't realize that.

You're having to find another actor, eh?

Yes.

And once agents realize the fine mess we're in, the price goes to the roof.

I find that deeply offensive.

Is that all it's about, then?

Money.

The bottom line.

Everything's about money.

What did you expect?

Well, I probably expected a little more grief from the bereaved.

With the possible exception of his mother, you could put

it down to the stiff upper lip of the English ruling class.

But more likely, it's the fact that nobody liked him.

Mr. Webster, call me Frank.

Frank, I've been bullied by the media into holding a press conference.

Would you mind taking part, please?

My pleasure.

All publicity is good publicity.

Yes, yes,

yes, I'll come back to you.

Larry Smith was not only my nephew but a sweet guy and a

very dear friend destined, I believe, to become a major

international star in our next project together, House of Satan 2.

We have no idea who has perpetrated this ghastly crime, but we will

give the police every assistance in bringing the killer to justice.

Thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Webster.

All right, I'll take questions now, please.

Yes?

Murdoch, Causton Echo.

Yes.

Knowing of Larry Smith's history of

substance abuse, could his murder be drugs related?

At present, nothing is ruled out.

Jack Wilson, Upper Warden Church Newsletter.

I also keep the bookshop in the high street.

With respect, our friend should go back home to his own kind in Causton.

This is purely and simply a local initiative.

Well, thank you, Mr. Wilson.

What's your question?

No question.

I'm simply putting the record straight.

We're talking about Upper Warden and Lower Warden.

We've been murdering each other here since the time of Cromwell.

We're not going to change now.

March the 14th, 1643.

That's when it all began.

Mr. Wilson, would you excuse me, please?

My sergeant needs to speak to me.

What's the crisis?

Fight broke out.

-Really? -Who's been fighting?

Over there.

What happened?

I come here with my flowers for Larry,

and there she was with her flowers for Larry.

Well, I think he would have been glad to have flowers from you both.

When did you meet him?

Last year, when he was here filming The House of Satan.

Which is when our relationship started.

She called it a relationship.

So I called her a lying cow, and she hit me with her flowers.

How come it's all blood with flowers?

It was an arrangement in a pot.

I always think a nice arrangement is more appropriate on these occasions.

I think it will be more appropriate if you

were both to go home and grow up in either order.

Go.

He seems to have put it about a bit when he was here last year.

Jane, Caroline, Michelle, Fiona.

There's one here from Darren.

Darren?

Any idea who Darren might be?

Apparently, he's the local video nerd.

He was covering the event, and a bit of an obsessive, so worth checking out.

He sometimes helps at the local bookshop.

Hello?

I'm looking for Mr. Wilson.

He's not here.

You must be Darren.

That's very good.

Lucky guess.

Mr. Wilson's out delivering these.

These?

Well, he's not delivering these.

He's delivering the ones we've already done, if you see what I mean.

I see what you mean.

May I?

Oh, yes, it's free.

Mr. Wilson's brought out a special edition because of the murder.

And he's written an editorial about how the police haven't a clue.

I see.

Shall I make us a cup of tea?

Yeah.

Then you can tell me what the clue is that the police don't have.

There you are, Barnaby.

That's your basic satanic experience.

What, a darkened room with some strange noises?

It's an homage, a key scene in the movie.

Our hero is locked in a darkened room by the bad

guys and driven mad by a series of unexplained noises.

Then, of course, he recovers his sanity in order to kill off the bad guys.

An homage?

According to our market research, movie buffs love an homage.

Show them a plastic shark with a shower curtain from Psycho,

and they wet themselves with glee and reach for their wallets.

Where exactly are we?

Immediately below the gymnasium.

Well spotted.

What about this state of war with Lowell Warden?

Mr Wilson knows about that.

And Oliver Cromwell?

Mr Wilson knows about that too.

Do you know about anything, Darren?

I know a lot about classic movies and The Prisoner and Doctor Who.

You left some flowers at the murder scene.

Well, yes.

Did you have a relationship with Larry Smith?

No.

I don't have relationships, as a rule.

But I've got all 26 episodes of Diamond

Geezers on video and House of Satan on video and DVD.

Tell me how you met Larry Smith.

It was last year when they were making the film.

I was chambermaiding at the big house, he was staying there with the film unit.

And you fell in love?

Oh well, that would be pushing it a bit.

But you had a relationship?

Oh yeah, definitely a relationship.

How long did it last?

Couple of hours, maybe.

Emily, my love, the memory can do funny things.

Now, it's the only way I can persuade you that

it might have lasted a little longer than that.

Yeah.

Tell me about your night of passion with Larry Smith.

It was a Thursday afternoon.

Emily, what did I just say?

I shall never forget the first time he looked into my eyes.

Would you like to be famous, Darren?

I'd love to, but I can't see it happening.

Can you?

Let's hope not.

If you'd murdered Larry Smith, you'd be famous.

But only for 15 minutes.

Is it worth it?

I believe you made a video of yesterday's events.

Yes, I make videos of everything that happens in the village.

Would you like it as evidence?

Please.

Right, remind me to bring it from home next time I see you.

I'm reminding you now, Darren.

And you can sell me a copy of The House of Satan before I leave.

Right.

Which one do you want?

Is there more than one?

There's two.

There's the book of the film and there's Ellis Bell's original version.

Are they different?

Yes. The book of the film's got the haunted dungeon in it.

Oh.

I better have one of each then.

I'm sorry, we only stock the book of the film.

You'll have to go lower warden for the other one.

Could Darren organize an explosion?

I bet you can learn how to do it from the net if you know where to surf.

I've seen him again this evening.

I'll ask him about it then.

-Why? -Why have you seen him again?

Oh, he's promised to do some research on jealous husbands and

jealous boyfriends, and he's bringing his video in from home.

Excellent.

In the words of Alfred Hitchcock, act as a cattle.

Yeah, yeah, that's a bit rough on cattle, I know.

So give the guy an evasive answer.

Tell him to go screw himself.

Film producers do that for fun, do they?

No, because it's good for them.

Oh, I hate things that are good for me.

So, what have we got?

I'll do this my way.

Father's way.

Short, sharp, shock.

Look, we talked about it.

We agreed, remember?

Hey, you remember how we used to settle arguments when we were kids?

What?

You can't settle a thing like this with a toss of a coin.

Want a bet?

Heads.

My way.

♪

This suit's going to be ruined.

Well, it's your fault.

You won the toss, remember?

♪

♪

Well, we've done as we were told.

We've left the package on the tree stump and stayed well out of the way.

Let's see how good they are.

I keep telling you, bro.

It's amateur night in Dixie.

♪

Now what happens we watch this space

♪

♪

Morning, Helen.

Morning, Mr. Webster.

You're up early.

Yes, a quick workout, healthy breakfast, then back to the big

city to find a cheap and willing actor who wants to be a star.

He'll have to be brave as well, won't he?

Stupid will do.

Did you know this, Troy?

If a leading actor drops dead just as he's about

to make a film, apparently there's always an

insurance deal, sometimes amounting to millions of pounds.

A lot of people are making money from the situation.

My 24 Hours of Passion by broken-hearted Emily Gaskell.

Somebody's feeding the tabloids.

Bet it's that journalist from the Costa maker.

Was that there last night when you left?

No, definitely not.

Lev.

Wasn't he a Russian goalie, Lev Yashin?

It's a biblical reference, Leviticus, from the Bible.

Every schoolboy's favorite dirty book.

I'm going to talk to the Reverend Simon.

Mr. Barnaby, good morning.

Morning, sir.

I'm very sorry to disturb you, but I was

hoping for some help with a biblical reference.

Leviticus chapter 18, verse 16.

Oh, you've seen it, have you?

I assume you didn't do it.

I have many frailties, but I'm not vulgar.

The chapter deals with various prohibitions in carnal matters.

And the people and the later of us is indeed the animals that one

is not permitted to have sexual relations with according to God's law.

Here we are, verse 16.

Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy brother's wife.

I think the meaning is clear.

Please.

Why would someone write that on the school

room wall, knowing the police would see it?

I imagine they're pointing the finger at our family.

Anyone in particular?

I'll answer your questions truthfully and honestly, Mr. Barnaby.

But I don't deal in gossip and innuendo.

-Oh, I'm sure. -I'm sure you don't.

Can we consider, please, your eldest

brother's wife, Mrs. Wendy Smythe-Webster?

Is it possible that your

brother, Frank, or

even your late son, for example, might have

uncovered her nakedness and that Brother Rupert took exception to it?

Wendy may not be the brightest star in God's

firmament, but she's fundamentally harmless.

A flirt and, in the verdacular, a bimbo.

But not, I believe, an adulteress.

♪

Men over

♪

take exercise.

Promise me you'll never go searching for your lost youth, Tom.

It's lost because it's meant to be lost.

You sure it's heart failure?

Well, not until I've done a full examination, but...

Why would a man who's never had a proper

job in his life have a workman's hand, sir?

Or could that be a Scotchman?

Let's have a look.

♪

Are these things usually connected to the main, sir?

Yes, there's stuff full of computerized

instrumentation so you can measure your progress.

All right, we'll check that bike.

See if the circuits are blown.

He was making an early start back to London, he said.

Did anyone else go into the gym?

No.

No, he's the only one who's ever used it so far.

Very healthy, he was.

But you found the body?

Yeah.

See, er...

I assumed he'd, um...

..have his workout and then go back to his room for breakfast.

Cos that's what he usually did.

But then I started getting phone calls for

him and there was no answer from his room, so...

I thought I'd better check.

There he was.

I've never seen anyone dead before.

You should go home.

Somebody's coming in to relieve me.

Good.

Miss Ellis Bell?

Ellis Bell.

The proper one.

What a mess, eh?

It's all your fault.

Yes, that would do it.

So all anyone would need to put a mains charge

through the exercise bike would be a set of jump leads, yeah?

And rubber gloves.

That means no fingerprints.

Well, it's obviously worth checking,

but I wouldn't build your hopes too highly.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

And then there were four.

I don't think that's very amusing.

Did I say I was amused?

Well, I think it's awful.

Ah, Inspector Barnaby.

Why don't you sit in your usual chair?

Thank you very much.

Uh, please accept my deepest sympathy.

Noted, appreciated, as ever.

Well, I have to ask the obvious question.

Did your brother Frank have any enemies?

Apparently.

Otherwise he'd still be alive.

He was nice.

Everybody liked him.

Is that the general view around the table?

He had great charm.

Indeed, he had.

Who's in charge of security?

Oh, there isn't any.

We lock the door, but the residents have keys.

The staff have keys.

We all have keys.

I imagine all the weasels in the Wildwood have their own keys.

They probably keep duplicates in their little potting sheds.

Weasels in the Wildwood, as in wind in the willows?

It's my brother's way of referring to the people

of Loa Warden, who'd like nothing more than to

overrun this place the way the weasels do in the book.

Don't think the weasels murdered the inhabitants?

Quite correct.

As I recall it, Mr. Toad marshals his forces,

and they all mount a very successful counter-attack.

To be precise, they whack them and whack them and whack them.

Look, two members of your family have now been murdered in as many days.

And when I talk to you or to anyone from Upper Warden about

possible motives, you all point me in the direction of Lower Warden.

Oh, of course.

It's in the natural order of things.

I'm sure you'll forgive me, Mrs. Wendy

Smythe-Webster, but it's a time for plain speaking.

I've heard it suggested that you had a

sexual relationship with your late nephew,

which on the face of it would provide your husband with a motive to murder him.

And the graffiti that appeared on the schoolroom wall last

night would suggest that one or other of you three brothers had

an extramarital relationship with one or the other of your two wives,

which, if it were frank, would give the

aggrieved brother a motive for his murder.

♪

We're a family with secrets, Inspector, like any other family.

But if those secrets drove any of us to

murder, we would do it the gentleman's way.

With a bullet through the brain.

And face to face.

And remember, the main purpose of this

family, perhaps our only purpose, is survival.

♪

It says The Shining, cos that's what I'd like it to be.

It's my only copy, so we'll take good care of it, Darren.

Now, you were going to go through this list

of people who left flowers for Larry Smith.

Was I?

You were, Darren.

And I even bought you a pint to assist your memory.

Oh.

All right, then.

Cheers.

This must be Emily Gaskell.

She's from Lower Warden.

Yes, you've met Emily.

But what's a girl from Lower Warden doing leaving flowers for a smith-webster?

Emily is engaged to Phil Harrison.

He's from Lower Warden.

He fixes windmills.

He even lives in one.

Windmills?

Yeah, well, he fixes anything, really, but mills is what he prefers.

Windmills, watermills, satanic mills, maybe.

That's a joke.

Next.

Here's a straight one.

Wendy.

Ah, the lady of the house.

And, er, is she a lady?

From what people say, not entirely.

But that's people, not me.

I try not to have opinions.

Darren.

Oh, that's me, isn't it?

You know about me.

Oh, quite.

Are you an Upper Warden man or a Lower Warden man?

Well, I work mostly in Upper Warden, but I live

mostly with my gran on the edge of Lower Warden.

But you're in the Upper Warden TA?

Well, thank you, then.

Isn't there one more thing?

Columbo always has one more thing, doesn't he?

If you insist.

One more thing.

In the T.A., do you handle explosives?

♪

♪

Phil Harrison.

Who wants to know?

Sergeant Troy, Causton CID.

Yeah, I'm Phil Harrison. What's your problem?

I thought it might be your problem.

Larry, My Lost Love by Broken Hearted Emily Gaskell.

Isn't she your girlfriend?

So?

Are you saying nothing happened between her and Larry?

Nothing that bothered me.

If I'd have been bothered, I'd have taken little Larry

down some pretty country lane and punched his lights out.

The squatties way.

The squaddies way?

Were you in the army?

Yeah, after I left school.

Do you have experience of explosives?

Obviously.

It's the job.

You can't do proper peacekeeping without guns and bombs and stuff.

Where were you when the bomb went off, as a matter of interest?

I was here, preserving the nation's heritage.

Heard the bang.

Do you do any work at the big house?

Yeah, I've got a roofing job on it at the moment, as it happens.

Can't pick and choose, we go with the jobs on.

Can I get on with my work now, please?

And I'll get on with mine.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

How long have you worked here, Darren?

I don't work here.

I just help out.

Same as I do at Mr Wilson's bookshop.

I'm basically a freelance.

Freelance what?

Don't laugh.

I've no intention of laughing.

I want to be a film director.

Set that aside for the moment.

The other night you were working while you were helping out as a night porter?

Yes.

Did you see anyone come and go?

Not really.

I came on at midnight, and everybody was in by then.

So basically, I went to sleep in the little office there.

There's a bell you can ring if anybody has an emergency.

But nobody rang any bells last night.

Only Danny.

Danny the chef.

He came in at six to start doing the breakfast and he rang the bell.

But that was more of a joke.

He's a great joker, our Danny.

Danny here now?

He's in the kitchen.

You talk to him, Troy.

I'm going to meet the weasels in the Wildwood.

Weasels?

I think it's time we heard the lower warden side of the story.

♪

What's this?

Are you going to read about more nights of passion?

You must be Danny.

That's me.

Sergeant Troy, Causton CID.

Do you know Chief Inspector Barnaby?

Yeah, he's my boss.

I've got something for him.

You've finished here.

Have you a statement for the press?

Yeah.

Push off.

That's for Mrs. Barnaby.

I'm sorry?

She was here for the opening ceremony dressed as a milkmaid?

I believe so.

And she was admiring my meatballs, and I promised to give her the recipe.

Thank you, Danny.

I'll pass it on.

♪

♪

Well, the police are not my favorite people.

If the Smythe-Websters are shoveling dirt all over

us, I'll do what I can to put the record straight.

I hear tell that Ellis Bell was a Lower Warden man,

and that you people from Lower Warden are very

aggrieved at the way the Smythe-Websters have appropriated him.

Alice Bell, born out of wedlock here

in Lower Warden in 1867.

Died in poverty in Causton in 1930, the year of the Great Slump.

Out of wedlock?

His mother worked at the big house in Upper Warden.

And she was seduced by the son of the house.

The Smythe-Websters denied paternity, but later

they helped young Alice Bell to get work as a teacher.

So I think that's a guilty plea, don't you?

Anyway, it's all in the book, $9.99.

Oh, yes, thank you.

It, uh, looks very different from the book of the film.

Well, that's because the original is an old-fashioned socialist novel.

He calls it the house of Satan, because he saw the

Smythe-Websters as totally corrupt from top to bottom.

They took our book and turned it into a cut price horror movie.

So you're not one of the world's greatest

admirers of the Smythe-Websters, are you?

Everything we have of value, they steal.

Medial in truth, medial in power.

Whose idea was it to make the movie?

Asked Jack Wilson, the bard of Upper Warden.

Oh, the editor of the church newsletter.

And a failed writer.

The most dangerous animal in the jungle, a failed writer.

If you hate these people so much.

Would I consider murdering them?

No.

I'm a card-carrying peacenik.

Check with MI5.

Ask them about Sarah Proudy.

They'll tell you.

Let me give you a bag for that.

Is the spray can mightier than the sword?

Well, it doesn't kill people.

And you're familiar with the Book of Leviticus?

I didn't reject the Bible without reading it first.

What sort of woman do you think I am?

Have you always been a chef?

It's the only job I've ever done.

And you came here straight from school?

No, not exactly.

We're very good at guilty secrets, Danny.

That's not a secret.

It was in the local papers.

I learned to cook when I was in Borstal.

Ah, the cricket pavilion.

Oh, you heard about that, did you?

I didn't do it, of course.

I suppose they all say that.

Yeah, they do all say that.

When I came out, Mr. Rupert gave me a job here.

Hey, rehabilitation works.

I am the living proof.

He even set me on a management course last year.

I could end up running the old caboodle for the family.

Chief executive, how they love.

And there's no reason why you should

want to murder Larry Smith or Frank Webster.

Smythe-Webster's might be a bunch of

chinless tossers, but they've been very good to me.

See yourself, Dan.

Lovely things, don't you reckon?

Aren't they yours?

Yeah.

Sort of extended loan from Mr. Rupert.

Must be worth a bit.

Around 50 grand each, I believe.

And what did you do to deserve this?

He never had kids of his own.

So I'm a sort of mate, see?

Make him laugh.

Go on, ask around.

Everybody likes Danny.

-Lunch. -Oh, thank you.

Any joy at the manor?

Both Danny and Darren were in the right

places at the right times for both murders.

Motives?

Darren's an obsessive nerd with a grudge against

Frank Webster for not giving him a job on the

movie, but I can't see him as a cold-blooded killer.

What about the video he gave you?

It was the shining.

He apologized.

He got his labels mixed up, but he's bringing the right one in later.

No, that Danny, the chef.

Oh, he asked me to give this recipe to Mrs. Barnaby.

They were getting on like a house on fire, apparently, till the bomb went off.

Oh, were they? Thank you. God, these are bloody disgusting.

Best I could get, sir, from the Pope.

Tell me about Danny.

Well, he seems very popular.

Everybody likes him.

He said to himself, and he's well in with the family, especially Rupert.

Is he now?

And when two of the natural heirs to the estate are murdered, it

doesn't occur to you you might be getting a little, um, impatient?

Or possibly carrying out the wishes of his master.

How'd you get on with the, uh, weasels?

I know now who put your Russian goalie on our door.

Oh, yeah?

Who's that?

Sarah Proudy, curator of the Ellis Bell Museum.

Either because she knows something about the

Smythe-Webster family we do not, or because she

wants to divert our attention away from Loa Wharton.

She also told me that the person most resentful

about the film was the bookshop owner, Jack Wilson.

Hello?

Hello?

Afternoon, Mr. Wilson.

Forgive the mess.

I wasn't expecting company.

This is just a routine confirm or deny question.

Is it true that it was your idea to make a film based on Ellis Bell's book?

It's no secret.

Tell us what happened.

Well, I bought a copy of the book when Sarah Prouty brought out that reprint.

I took it to Mr. Smythe-Webster,

suggesting that he might make a successful film.

Why didn't he show it to his brother, Frank?

I admit, Mr. Webster, he liked the title.

And?

He encouraged me to write this.

The House of Satan, screenplay by Jack Wilson.

A year later, the film unit arrived.

They used a screenplay written by some chap he'd been at school with.

And as you probably know, they turned it into a horror film.

Did they pay you anything?

Not a penny.

I could have had two days' work as an extra

playing the part of a corpse, but I declined.

Is that part of your duplicating machine, Mr. Wilson?

No.

You find me working in my capacity as

Honorary Armorer of the Upper Warden Territorial Army.

Do you keep live ammunition here, Mr. Wilson?

I'm permitted to dispense blank ammunition for the purposes of field exercises.

But live rounds for use on the firing range may

only be released on the authority of the major.

Major Rupert's a smiley of the whipster.

Yes, sir.

Those are thunder flashes, just glorified fireworks.

Do you have an inventory?

You've been very keen, Mr. Wilson, to blame the people

from Lower Warden for these killings, even though you

yourself had even greater reason to feel, uh, betrayed.

You refused to work on the film, you say.

Yet you were there on the day of

Larry's death, dressed as a village blacksmith.

Life's too short to bear grudges.

There's one of these missing, sir.

There'll be more than enough explosive in a box to blow up the summer house.

I had nothing to do with that.

How do you account for the missing box?

I didn't know it was gone.

Who else has a key?

Only the major, sir.

Is this Smiley's Webster?

Good afternoon.

What's this, uh, window shopping as therapy, is it?

No, I just thought it might take my mind off things.

Does it?

Not really.

Sorry.

And now that we're well away from the big

house, I'd like to ask you a rude question.

Another one?

Did you have an affair with your husband's brother?

Which one?

Simon or Frank?

Well, either.

No, neither.

Simon's a vicar, and Frank had sweaty feet.

I like that, don't you?

Would you call that beige?

Sir?

You need another word with your sergeant, Mr. Barnaby.

So I do.

Excuse me.

I got the list of telephone numbers that the late

Frank Webster called from his mobile, mostly to his

office in London and also a film company in Los

Angeles, but also to Sarah Proudy and Phil Harrison in Lower Warden.

Phil Harrison, who lives in the windmill, yeah?

That's right.

Well, I trust you are leaping into action.

I'm meeting Phil for a drink this evening in the chapel.

That's excellent.

You keep him occupied in the pub, whilst I check up on the windmill.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Too little too late.

And besides, you're dealing with the wrong person.

Sorry, am I interrupting?

I'm looking for the chapel.

Smart money says it's the building across

the street that looks very much like a chapel.

It hasn't been a chapel for 50 years or more.

We've never had much time for God in Lower Warden.

He doesn't seem to be on our side.

Thank you.

It was a nice try, Rupert, but you're much too late.

1,000 years too late?

Oh, you see, you do understand.

Fancy a game?

I'm supposed to be playing a mate, but he isn't here yet.

I'm here on business.

You can have a game of pool and do your cross-examination at the same time.

Blue's a vice of drinks, hasn't it?

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Bastard!

♪

♪

Frank Webster made a series of phone calls to you this week.

What were they about?

The windmill.

The windmill?

Yeah, he wanted a windmill for the house of Satan, too.

So the villain could die a horrible death.

Still, I don't suppose we want him that now, the way things have turned out.

Stranger in town breaks.

OK.

-Whoa! -We have a hustler in our midst.

Minnesota Troy.

Are you his mate?

Yeah, sure, why not?

We go back a long way.

You've got your feet well under the table at the manor.

Chief Executive and waiting.

Are you still welcome in Lower Warden?

Oh, that's what the old farts tell you.

No, we haven't burnt down a castle round here for what?

500 years?

Well, a castle, maybe.

But what about a cricket pavilion?

Thank you, Sergeant, that's very decent of you.

Having a bad night?

It was not really my game.

We noticed.

Ah, that's the secret.

We all have to find our natural game.

Night night's a passion.

What's your natural game?

Winning the class war?

Must have been 1960s.

But I suppose that was before your time.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Mr. Barnaby!

What do you want?

I can't talk about it out here on account that it's private.

And it might lead to an early arrest.

Oh.

Yeah, make it quick.

Sergeant Troy will see to you.

Come on.

You'll need your notebook and your tape recorder.

Tape recorder?

This has to be on the record.

What has?

Isn't it obvious?

I've come to confess.

There have been two murders, Darren.

Which one are you holding your hand up to?

Or did you do both?

I let your tyres down.

It's an old tradition.

Once a month, someone from Upper Warden

goes to Lower Warden and does something bad.

This month it was my turn, so I let your tyres down.

But I thought it was a Lower Warden car.

I didn't realise it was yours.

Well, Darren, I think this is a case where we can

exercise our discretion and let you go with the caution.

Don't you want to hear the other stuff?

What other stuff?

Like what I saw in Lower Warden after I let your tires down.

What did you see?

I was lurking across the street.

I mean, I don't see it as lurking, but some people do.

And I saw Danny and Phil come out of the chapel.

And they were having a right sex talk.

So where was the money, Phil?

He didn't give me any money.

Were they arguing about money?

Definitely about money.

Have you collected any other stuff in the course of your lurking?

I brought my videos.

I make fly on the wall documentaries.

It's like lurking with a camera.

And here, that's the one you've been waiting for.

The opening ceremony of the satanic experience.

The explosion looks really good on that one.

What do you do with these after you've made them?

Well, I put them on my website and hope I'll be talent spotted.

The trouble is, I don't know what's on all of them.

So your best plan might be to suck it and see.

This is when they made the house of Satan last year.

♪

On the first day of shooting, they held a bit

of a party so the locals could meet Larry Smith.

♪

Is that Sarah Proudy?

Yeah, Mrs. Proudy was there.

Mrs. Proudy?

Is she married?

I think she was.

Called herself Ms.

ever since she got liberated.

Are they having a row?

They might have been.

There's not much more, it is.

Sorry, it's an old tape.

We shot this bit before the microphone went kaput.

Is that Phil Harrison?

Yeah.

He's brilliant.

He generally wins when he's on the field.

Danny's brilliant as well, but he's better on the flat.

They've got identical bikes.

Well, they would.

They've always been mates.

Darren, you are a prince amongst men.

♪

♪

♪

What are we looking for, sir?

The row that Darren witnessed outside the chapel

last night after you'd left wasn't just about money.

I think it was villains falling out.

I saw Danny come here last night to collect something.

Must have been money.

Must have been from the Smythe-Websters.

We didn't find it, so something obviously went wrong.

Are we talking blackmail?

Blackmail, money with menaces.

Pay up or we carry on murdering your family.

Danny's expecting his share of the money, and

instead he finds, he finds this.

♪

♪

These murders, Danny.

Yes, sir.

We can't go on like this, can we?

Well, we're going to run out of family, aren't we, sir?

You've got such a sweet way of putting things, Danny.

Have you found out anything in Lower Wharton?

I made a bit of progress.

You might say my inquiries are ongoing.

Hmm.

I tried opening negotiations with Sarah Proudy,

but she indicated I was talking to the wrong person.

Ms.

Proudy knows most of what goes on in Lower Wharton, sir, but

I don't think she approves of it all, if you see what I mean.

The whole thing's so ghastly.

I'm sure it's affecting my nails.

♪

I'll join you later.

♪

♪

Mrs. Smythe-Webster, good morning.

I can't remember when I last experienced a good morning.

You were trying to scrub the graffiti off the wall, weren't you?

Yes.

You seem to think that it was a reference to Wendy.

She was very upset about that.

She's actually very sensitive.

Stupid, but sensitive.

But if it wasn't a reference to her, then?

It was me, Inspector.

Mine was the nakedness that was uncovered.

I see.

I have to ask,

which brother?

Goodness me.

Frank, of course.

Frank was funny.

He made me laugh.

I don't laugh very easily.

Was this recently?

over 20 years ago.

You're telling me that Lawrence was...

was...

Yes.

Lawrence was Frank's son.

Does your husband know about all this?

Oh, yes.

How did he feel about it?

Well, how does he feel about it?

He hated Frank, hated Lawrence.

He probably hates me, but we never talk about it.

Do you think that your husband killed

Florence and then killed Frank?

But I don't think he'd object strenuously if somebody else did it for him.

Simon is resolutely Christian.

Everything is God's will.

It's a very convenient way of looking at things, really.

It means that nothing is ever anyone's fault.

That is a wicked distortion.

Live in the big house, Inspector.

Laura, please!

I'm going to pray. You can join me if you wish.

♪

♪

♪

You've really made Ellis Bell your mission in life, haven't you?

I'm Ellis Bell's great-granddaughter.

Oh, I see.

You say, uh, in your preface to the new edition of The

House of Satan, that when that book first appeared in

1897, the Smythe Websters of the day bought out the publishers.

Bought the publishers and burned the books.

Set a huge bonfire in the grounds of the big house.

And then 100 years later, they stole it

back, corrupted it, and made their millions.

They took a classic and crapped all over it.

Is that what you said to Mr. Rupert Smythe

Webster when he came in to see you last night?

Oh, that was a social call.

Social call?

Very surprised you're on speaking terms.

30 years ago, we had a brief and dangerous liaison.

It ended in tears, of course.

Oh, he's not mine.

There's a potentially decent man buried under that 1

,000 years of history, and I thought I could dig him out.

I failed.

My sergeant says he offered you money.

Which I refused.

Why? I approached Frank Webster at the proper time

about making a contribution to the running of my museum.

He said the book was out of copyright and told me to get lost.

End of story.

I don't grovel to these people.

Well, I don't grovel to anyone, as you probably gathered.

Elsie Pinchaw, Danny's mother?

She died a couple of weeks ago, a legendary

midwife of this parish, and a formidable gossip.

She'd have answered all your questions, whether she knew the answers or not.

Would she really?

What do you think of Danny?

Oh, everybody likes Danny.

I think that's his problem.

He wants to be liked, and that's tricky.

Oh, is this the famous chapel?

Well, it was before God retreated and the People's

Republic of Lower Warden turned it into a drinking club.

We did the conversion work ourselves, a collective enterprise.

Phil did the building work.

Danny did the rewiring.

I burned the altar.

Danny did the electrics, did he?

-Yes. -He's a wizard with wires.

It's alright.

Can you meet me at the hotel in 10 minutes please?

We need to talk to Danny.

Helen, how are you feeling?

Heaps better, thanks.

Is Danny in this morning?

He's in the kitchen.

Tell him it's well past coffee time.

I will.

♪

♪

♪

♪

Helen, has Danny had any visitors this morning?

Only Mr. Smythe-Webster.

What time did he leave?

Well, I didn't see him leave.

He could have gone out the back door.

OK, thanks.

Has something happened to Danny?

Yeah, something has happened to Danny.

♪

Afternoon, Barnaby.

Progress report.

Good afternoon.

One or two further questions, please.

I'm told that you and Sarah Prowley from Lower

Warden will once, if you'll pardon the expression, an item.

My god.

Yeah, I've been dredging, haven't you?

Well, there seems an awful lot to dredge in these parts.

She said you couldn't have a proper relationship

across the tracks if one of the families owns the tracks.

It's a fair point.

Well, I suppose so.

So I'll return to my own kind.

That's all over now.

Good health.

Thank you.

How do you mean?

It's all over now.

Take a look at that photograph up there on the mantel.

The Smythe Webster boys were young.

Notice anything?

There were four of you.

Exactly.

My big brother, St. John, drove his

Ferrari into a wall when he was up at Oxford.

So we all moved up one.

I got landed with running this place instead of becoming the local vicar.

Would you have enjoyed that?

Oh, it's a doddle.

The hours are undemanding, and you get first whack at the Young Wives Club.

Why? Why did you say, it's all over now?

Well, by the time Big Brother had killed

himself, I'd had the operation, the snip.

Oh, it was Sarah Proudy's idea, but made sense

at the time, looking ahead to the young wives.

Simon, as you will have observed, is fundamentally sexless.

And Frank, Frank was always very careful after the

business with Laura, which brought forth little Larry.

We're running out of family, Mr. Barnaby.

A thousand years, and now it's over.

How do you plan to cope?

That's what the satanic experience is all about.

Fatten up the place, sell it to some global

leisure corporation, and spend the money on loose living.

It's the end of the line, and nobody will give a damn.

But why?

Why would anyone want to murder your nephew and your brother?

Why? We've got the money, and they haven't.

A box of thunder flashes went missing a few days ago.

Mr. Wilson says the only other person to hold a key to the armory is you.

You think I killed Larry?

Anyone else have access to your key?

Well, I did lose it for a couple of days, but

then it turned up, so I thought no more about it.

I understand that Danny Pinchell has become quite a favorite of yours.

He's a good lad.

Manages to see past the money and talk to me like another human being.

You see him as a prospective heir?

Oh, I don't know what he's been telling you, but that's ridiculous.

Well, I've always said that if we sold up, we'd try to protect his job.

But that's hardly the same thing.

Did you argue with him this morning?

Over the key, perhaps?

Daddy, you think Danny stole the key?

No, no, no.

Always found him an amiable soul.

He's a dead soul now.

-Dead? -What are you talking about?

Someone killed him around about the time of your visit.

Look it, they can't kill Danny.

Everybody likes Danny.

Three possibilities.

There's a bruise indicating he's been banged on the head.

More bruises on the neck indicating that someone tried to strangle him.

But I've got a feeling he's actually been drowned.

Drowned?

In gazpacho.

In what?

It's cold tomato soup.

I'd say he was held face down in that by a

killer whose clothes must be in a terrible mess.

This doesn't tie in with the others.

Danny wasn't a Smythe Webster.

Not yet, he wasn't.

Danny the chef.

What are you going to do with this one?

Call it drugs related and file under pending?

You've done very well out of these murders, haven't you, Mr. Murdoch?

Just doing my job.

You see the bright lights beckoning, don't you?

But I see a motive for murder.

That's outrageous.

Well, that being the case, your best plan

will be to stay out of my field of vision.

Now, if there are no more questions.

Is it true a local man is helping with your inquiries?

Well, if he is, it'll be a first.

Sir?

I found this in Danny's pocket.

Looks like his mum's diary.

Excellent.

♪

What's the bedding?

Fielded a cross-country run on that bike this morning to kill Danny.

Message received and understood, sir.

♪

to

I thought the point of women's emancipation was

that you didn't have to do the men's dirty washing.

Troy.

♪

♪

Sorry about the flat tires.

I don't know where I get these ideas.

My sergeant has something to say to you.

Philip Harrison, you're charged with the murders

of Danny Pinchell, Larry Smith, and Frank Webster.

♪

♪

Bye.

My nephew was a waster.

My brother was a waster.

Dear say, I'm a waster, too.

Everybody liked Danny.

No, no, no.

Everybody was wrong.

Danny, it was the worst of the lot.

What did you mean, Danny?

It was the worst of the lot.

He was the brains.

I was the guy who pushed the button.

Danny borrowed your key to the armory and he planned the explosion.

Phil triggered the blast by remote control.

But Danny was on hand to give the signal to the mobile phone.

I don't believe this.

But why?

I saw Frank Webster laugh at you that day.

Just because some cheapskate ancestor wrote a lousy book.

He was our ancestor.

You know the law.

There is no copyright on books 70 years after the writer's death.

Ellis Bell belongs to the world now.

Public ownership.

I thought you people believed in that, darling, huh?

He should never have laughed at you.

Simple as that.

After Larry died, Frank was supposed to come through with the money, wasn't he?

But he didn't, is that right?

Yeah, that's right.

I wanted to pay up, he didn't.

We tossed a coin to decide.

My way.

Yeah, he fenced himself as a hard man.

He wasn't.

♪

And I assume you were going to put pressure on Rupert next.

He was still the man with the money?

All right, I can understand.

Phil hating the family.

Goodbye, Danny.

I went to see him this morning.

We had words, and suddenly he said, oh, you're an idiot, just like your dad.

I haven't got a dad.

Everyone's got one somewhere.

Yours is Lord of the Manor.

Yeah.

If you don't believe me, I can show you my mom's diary.

Oh, yeah, Rupert's my dad.

That means I could spoil everything for you, couldn't I?

You set me up, didn't you?

You wanted me to go down for all this stuff.

Well, I went down for the cricket pavilion.

Then with me out of the way, you could have a clear run.

That's what friends are for.

What precisely am I being told here?

Downey's mother, Elsie, was the midwife at Phil's birth.

And she always told her mother, if anything

goes wrong, I need to know who the father is.

And so I told her.

And she wrote all the names down in her diary.

This diary, which we found on Dennis' body.

Yes, Rupert.

You are Philip's father.

Yeah.

And I'm your son and heir.

Except that you people would have found a way of screwing me.

We couldn't have some lout from Lower Warden taking over the manor, could we?

That's why I never told you.

You did the right thing, Mum.

Look at us.

We're a family.

So long, Daddy.

♪

♪

Back to normal, then.

Normal's a bit weird around here, isn't it, Mr. Wilson?

No, Darren, weird's another place.

♪

♪

Never thought of you as a gardener, Sarah.

I'm keeping it nice for my son.

Is it too late for us to be friends?

Oh, I think so.

Don't you?

♪

♪

You were right.

It's not a bad book.

It's very good.

You didn't tell me that the hero's name is Harrison, Phil Harrison.

You didn't ask.

Is your bookmark?

Probably.

Oh, no, it's not.

Danny's meatball recipe.

He seemed a nice boy.

Oh, yeah.

Everybody liked him.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪