Original subtitles

KLINGER: Is this stuff for sale,

or are ya just takin' your knickknacks for a walk?

Everything for sale. Give up farm.

-Must move south to city. -Hey, look, it's a Fuller junk man.

Do you have anything in a dishonorable discharge,

size 40 regular?

KLINGER: Hey, is this goat for sale?

Yes. Need money for city.

Besides, it's so hard to find an apartment that'll take kids.

-How much? -Goat very valuable.

Twenty-five dollars.

Could either of you guys loan me $25?

-What, are you crazy? -Hey...

this is an investment in dairy futures.

You realize what people around here would pay for fresh milk?

Come on. Tomorrow's payday. Twenty-five bucks for 24 hours.

All right, I'll let you have 15, but I get the first glass.

I'll go 10 for seconds.

Here you go. Come to papa.

I'm gonna milk you for all you're worth.

Come on, baby. Come on.

This is gonna be a fantastic business arrangement.

Good mornin', boys. How're you doin', Pierce?

-Just fine, Colonel. -I get the feeling...

you haven't read the bulletin board the last few days.

I'm waiting for the movie to come out. Now, how do you know?

'Cause you haven't come screaming to me.

-Why would I come screaming to you? -Because there's a notice

that says it's your turn to be paymaster.

-I don't wanna be paymaster! -That's more like it.

Aw, come on. I've already done that once this war.

I like a man with experience.

Hawk, old buddy, can I have a raise?

Very funny. I got better things to do

than go to I-Corps at the crack of dawn

and then spend the rest of the day doling out

money to a pack of drooling soldiers.

And I got better things to do than stand here and argue with you.

See you tomorrow, doughboy.

That does it.

When this war is over, I'm going home.

Uh, Colonel...

Well, what have we here? Woolworth on wheels.

Actually, some of this stuff's not so bad.

I think Peg might like this vase.

-How much is this? -Five dollars.

-Here, hold this, will ya? -Yes...

Five dollars, huh? Oh, I've only got three.

Well, if that's all you've got...

I'll give you 10 for it.

Ten beats three anytime. You got it.

Well, thanks a lot, Charles.

Oh, dear. I, uh... I seem to be temporarily out of cash.

I'll gladly pay you the 10 tomorrow.

Must leave today. Three dollars in hand beats your $10.

Uh, would it be worth staying a day for, say, $50?

-Fifty? -Okay.

Fifty dollar buys you one day.

Very well. See you on the morrow.

And thank you.

Charles, what the hell is this? You saw that I wanted that vase.

Nothing personal, Hunnicutt. I just think it's, uh, cute.

Fresh milk here. Spend your fresh money on fresh milk.

Why take a powder when you can get the real thing?

Next. Name.

Captain Pierce.

Not my name. Your name, Rizzo.

If you know my name, what'd you ask me for?

All right. Rizzo. Rizzo.

Come on, Pierce! Do you work at being slow?

-Yeah, this is taking forever.

All right! All right. All right. I'm doing the best I can.

-"Rizzo, Sergeant Luther." -Mm-hmm. Yeah.

-162. Here. -Mm-hmm.

-Count that back to me.

Five.

Ten.

Fresh milk! Fresh milk!

Spend your fresh money on fresh milk.

Hold on.

-Five. Ten.

MAN : Attention. Attention, all personnel.

Wounded coming in.

-Time to start earning that big money. -That's it!

Everybody who hasn't got your money, reassemble here after O.R.

Sign that. Klinger, put that in the safe.

-Five. Ten. -Excuse me.

-Okay. -Hi, there.

Is this table all right? Or would you prefer

something a little closer to the piano bar?

I hope you're a good doctor.

Hey, don't worry about a thing.

When I was in med school, I was always first in my class.

Of course, I lived right next door.

Klinger, I'll need another unit of whole blood.

-Right away, sir. -Klinger, did you put the money in the safe?

I didn't wanna bother the colonel in triage.

He's the only one who knows the combination.

And no one's gonna find out. It's Mildred's measurements.

But don't worry, sir. I locked all that money in a safe place.

All the flights to Rio were booked, huh?

Metz, please. Thank you, Margaret.

You're doing your usual fine job.

That's the third compliment you've given me today, Major.

As a matter of fact, that's the third compliment you've ever given me.

Well, I must try to remedy that in the future.

Well, if it's money you want, I haven't been paid yet.

Money is hardly a problem for me.

An elective course I once took in Oriental art

is about to pay for itself 50-fold.

Thank you.

Now I have to pass out money

when all I really wanna do is pass out.

All you need, sir, is a quick pick-me-up. How about a milk shake?

Or just a nice, fresh,

moderately priced glass of Grade A...

-Oh, my God!

Your milk machine is having a snack.

Ah, keep laughing. I put the money in there.

What? If that goat so much as slobbered on that money...

-What money? -You idiot!

How could you let that goat just walk around free?

I think the walking around was her idea.

What was she doing in here?

If I'd left her outside, everybody'd just walk up and milk her.

-What am I gonna tell the colonel? -Just tell him the truth.

Wonderful. "Colonel Potter, a goat ate the payroll."

-I don't believe it! -I give you Exhibit A.

Sir, please don't send her to the glue factory!

-She didn't know what she was doing. -But you should've.

Any fool knows a goat eats everything.

-Almost any fool. -How many people haven't been paid besides me?

Most of them. I was just getting started

when we got called to triage.

-So what happens now? -Well, I'm a little rusty on procedures

for when the payroll has been eaten by a goat.

Klinger, call I-Corps and check into it.

-Yes, sir. -So, meanwhile, what am I supposed to tell

-all those people who are still expecting to be paid? -Just tell 'em the truth.

What in the world are you talking about?

I don't want to hear anymore of your fairy stories!

I knew you'd understand.

I don't wanna hear about goats.

I wanna hear about when we're getting our money.

And it had better be before the end of the day!

That's being looked into right now. And I bet you

I-Corps has that money here first thing tomorrow.

Tomorrow doesn't buy me beans.

Okay. Okay, okay, okay, look. W-W-Wait a minute.

Why don't we all have a drink on me?

MARGARET: Oh, where did you get the money to buy us all drinks?

-Well...

by a quirk of fate, I was the first one paid.

-What a coincidence!

Come on. Folks, why don't we all talk about it over drinks?

Igor, set 'em up.

Sorry, Captain, but there's hardly anything left.

I was waiting for payday to collect the tabs

so I could buy the new shipment.

All right, I'll tell you what.

Let's all go over to my place

and we'll have something from the still.

Free booze for everybody who promises not to use me as a swizzle stick.

Psst!

Psst! Psst!

Hello, my friend. You're right on time.

-Did you bring my little purchase? -First, money.

Yes, of course. Of course. Naturally.

-There you are. -What's this?

-This my personal check. -I want money.

-You promised me 50 dollar. -This is better than money.

Naturally, I have identifications.

You should have no trouble at all cashing that

at your neighborhood liquor store.

I'm sorry. I want real cash.

I go find man with three bucks.

I must have that vase. W...

Ju... Just give me a little more time.

Forty.

Forty-five. Fifty.

- Fifty... -Wait right here.

- Rizzo, it, uh... -Hmm?

It would appear that you've been paid.

And it would appear that you wasn't.

Now let's see. Now where was I...

Forty-five. Fifty.

Rizzo, I wonder if you would consider making me a...

A loan? Oh, gee, I never thought of it.

-All I need is... -Is 50. Here you go.

Of course, I will have to charge you simple interest.

Yes, of course, fine. Now, what could that be? Uh, four percent?

-Five? -Hmm, well...

A little more simple than that. A hundred percent.

-One hundred percent? -Per day.

Uh, that way I don't have to do no 'rithmetic.

I see you have cash. Maybe you like to buy vase.

No! It's a deal. It's a deal.

See, now everybody's happy.

You... clumsy oaf!

Will you watch where you're falling?

Pierce, what're all these people doing in here?

Some are drinking. Some are passing out.

But none of them are killing me.

You... dolt! Will you watch what you're doing?

-Hey, no fans allowed on the field.

You are sitting on my footlocker,

and it's time for the kickoff.

-Beat it! -Sure, Major.

Pierce, I demand that you drive your drinking buddies

back to the gutter where they belong.

Sorry, Charles. I'm too drunk to drive.

Okay, everybody, listen up!

I've got great news. You're free to go.

-Well, it's about time. -Thank you.

-Thank you. Everybody, step right... -Wait a minute.

-What're you doing? These are my guests-s-s. -Sorry...

but your half of the still is empty, and my half just closed.

Come on, Goldman. Hit the road. Here you go.

Night. Hey! Hey!

Come on. Come on. What's the matter?

Don't you have a bunk of your own to sleep under?

Do us all a favor. Pick up some mints on the way home.

Alone at last.

Whew! This must be the tent that made Milwaukee famous.

-Anything new on the payroll? -Yep.

-It's gonna be held up a while longer. -Aw, come on, Colonel.

I can't keep these people drunk forever.

Seems I-Corps wants to send an investigator to look into the details.

Great. Maybe we can all borrow 10 bucks from him.

No, you won't need to. I made arrangements to get supplemental pay

to tide folks over until the new payroll is issued.

Good. Now I can send a certain

Louisiana loan shark back to the bayou.

Pierce, you're now supplemental paymaster.

Tomorrow you'll distribute the money

in descending order of rank.

-That means colonels first. -Wait, wait, wait. One more thing.

Just suppose for some strange, incomprehensible reason

the investigator doesn't believe that a goat ate the payroll.

That's no problem. It's all covered in the military regs.

-Yeah? -You'll just have to pay Uncle Sam $22,000.

I don't believe it.

Believe me, you're the first.

Major, I know this is quite a chunk to swallow,

but this man and I have been through a lot.

And I can vouch for his honesty and integrity.

I've got General Detweiler breathing down my neck

about a report that's really important.

I've worked on it for quite some time

and have to turn it in

no later than the day after tomorrow.

And now I get sidetracked by some ridiculous goat story.

I plan to wrap this business up quickly...

so I can meet my deadline and keep the general off my back.

Well, we all wanna get this settled P.D.Q., Major.

Pierce, I'm holding in my hand a voucher

releasing $24,312 to you.

Is this your signature?

Uh, yes. But, uh...

You have issued $1,972 in pay

leaving a grand total of $22,340 unaccounted for.

Now where's the money?

-I told you. A goat ate it. -A goat.

-A goat. -A goat.

Just when you think you've heard them all.

That's even better than "I left it in my other tank."

It's not only entertaining, it's also true.

-I did not steal the money. -I don't care if you stole it or you lost it.

You signed for the money, and the money isn't here.

You owe the army $22,000.

Either you come up with it,

or the army will garnishee your wages

through this tour and even into civilian life

until every red cent is paid back.

You gotta be kidding.

I don't have time to kid.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a report to get back to.

-Uh... Oh... -Hold it, Major.

It seems to me you're putting the noose before the gavel.

Let me ask you something. What would've happened

if this money, say, had been lost in a fire?

Well, we would know that it's out of circulation,

and we'd replace it with new scrip.

And Pierce would be off the hook?

-What's the point of this? -The point is,

if money can be burned, it can be swallowed.

And if you call yourself an investigator,

you ought to investigate that.

Yeah, right. Thank you, Colonel.

That's all I ask.

All right. All right, I'll investigate.

Pierce, you're my first witness.

Do you have any proof the goat ate the money?

HAWKEYE : And so I beg of you, if there's anybody in camp...

who actually saw the goat eat the money, please come forward now!

Oh, really?

How about anybody who heard munching?

Okay, is there anybody out there who's seen a goat...

wearing expensive clothes and planning a nice vacation?

-Cap'n Pierce! -Hallelujah! I'm saved!

-Let's go tell the investigator right now. -Tell him what, sir?

-That you saw the goat eat the money. -Well, uh, no, sir.

I ain't seen a goat since, uh...

since me and Zola took little Billy Bubba to the U-Pet-Em in Bossier City.

-Then what are you doing here? -Fighting for democracy.

-No, in this room. -Oh.

-Oh, you mean here here. -Yeah.

Oh, well...

Uh, seein' as you're about 500 months behind in your monthly payments...

I thought I might "hep" you consolidate your debts into one very friendly loan.

Uh, as a starter, I am willing to offer you...

$100 with simple interest.

-What good's $100 gonna do me? -Oh, well...

Uh, I thought a savvy man like yourself...

might just wave that $100 under the nose of that investigator...

and let him catch a good whiff of it.

Rizzo, I don't need to bribe anybody. I'm innocent!

Okay! Okay!

Just remember, prisons are full of honest men!

Twenty, forty, fifty.

-Next. -Wait a minute. Where's the rest of it?

That's it. This is just supplemental pay.

Everybody gets $50 to tide them over.

Until when? Time is money.

Don't ask me. I'm just the teller. Next!

The man said "next," Major.

Hello, Major. I believe...

you have something there that is of interest to me.

Rizzo, I owe you $50, uh, don't I?

Uh... Now we're even.

Uh, beg... beg your pardon, sir...

but bein' on the dole has made you forgetful.

This is just the interest.

You still owe me the original 50.

Unless you got it today, I'll see you tomorrow for another $50 interest.

Now, ain't that interestin'?

But I don't know when I'm gonna be paid.

This could run into "hunerds" of dollars.

Oh, you have my deepest sympathy, Major.

And you'll have it again tomorrow about this same time.

Uh, Father, I couldn't help noticing

you've got $50 there.

Oh, how observant of you.

Right. Since you are a compassionate man of God

one of your prime duties is to give comfort to the needy.

Major, are you putting the bite on me?

Please, Father, if I don't pay

this Bayou bloodsucker his $50 today,

he's gonna bleed me dry.

I'd love to help you out, Major, but what little money I have,

and it's really not enough, is earmarked for the orphanage.

They'll never miss it. They're used to being poor.

But it's a real hardship for me.

May God help you, Major, because I won't.

Excuse me, Father. Bein' a sentimental soul,

I was touched by the orphans' predicament, and I'd like to "hep."

Rizzo, why, that's very generous of you.

I could let ya have a "hunerd" dollars

at my special, God-fearin' rate of 75%% .

Ugh.

Uh, Igor, you have a belt

for a fellow who's down on his luck?

Sorry, Major, the only thing I got left is an old case of grape Nehi.

Nobody drinks it since Radar shipped out.

Very well. Put it in a brandy snifter, will you?

Sure thing, pal.

-Where did you get this? -From some peddler for two bits.

If you like it, I'm sure you could get another one.

He's got a whole cart full.

-A... A cart full? -Yeah.

It's great for holdin' tips.

Tip. Hey, wait, you owe me for the grape Nehi!

Maybe I'm blowing this all out of proportion.

Maybe Van Zandt will interview a few people,

find out what a terrific guy I am,

realize how ridiculous the whole thing is, and let me off the hook.

-You're probably right. -Yeah.

And maybe I'll flap my arms and fly to the moon.

Ah, here's the bank dick now.

I can tell he's got good news by the sneer on his face.

All right, Colonel.

I talked to everybody in camp.

The only one who knows anything about the goat

eating the money is your company clerk here.

And all he can say is that Pierce handed him a satchel.

Sorry, Captain, the truth just slipped out.

I'll be informing I-Corps that in my judgment,

Benjamin Franklin Pierce owes the United States Army

in excess of $22,000

to be garnisheed from his military

and subsequent civilian wages.

Boy, talk about a G.I. Bill.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta finish

the report for the general tonight.

Well, that's Van Zandt's idea of justice.

A man is innocent until railroaded.

Men, these are desperate times,

and desperate times call for desperate measures.

Oh, great idea. We'll bombard them with cliches.

I got an even better one.

"You can catch a lot of flies with a little bit of honey."

Hmm.

-Come in.

Sorry to interrupt you, sir, but you're wanted on the phone.

-I'm busy. Who is it? -It's General Detweiler's aide.

Something about that report you're working on.

Oh, that man won't even let me breathe.

I'd get the damn thing finished if he'd only let me alone.

All right. All right. Let's go.

You come right in here, Sergeant.

You sit in that chair right over there

and you make yourself comfortable.

-Well, thank you, sir. -Of course, of course.

There you are. Now, a-are you comfy?

-Uh, yes, sir, I think so. -Uh, would you like some cognac?

No, thanks. I ain't hungry.

Now, Luther...

I've brought you here to discuss an offer

that you would be a fool, as it were, not to accept.

-Oh, yeah? -I've given it a lot of thought

and have come to the conclusion that in exchange

for canceling my debt

I am prepared to part with this.

-What do I want with a pitcher? -Well, Sergeant...

this pitcher is an incredibly valuable

and treasured vase from the Celadon Dynasty.

Oh!

I don't care if it's from the new Sears catalog, Major.

Just how stupid do you think I am?

An adjective fails me. But you see, Rizzo...

No, no, no. All I see is

is that you are trying to get out of

payin' me the money you owe me

which is $50.

No, no. Make that a "hunerd" dollars.

-Wait. No, no. Wait... -Mm-mm-mm-mmm!

I don't want no hard-luck stories.

I don't want no dime-store spittoons.

All I want is my money. I'll see you tomorrow.

Oh, gee, sir...

now you ain't got a pot to spit in.

KLINGER: Sorry about that, sir.

I don't know how I lost the call

but these phones are always crazy over here.

-Just let me know the minute they call back. -Oh, yes, sir, I will.

You can count on it, if they somehow manage to get through.

My report! Stop that at once!

-Heel, heel. -She ate my report!

-What's all the racket? Is something wrong? -Terrible tragedy, sir.

-She ate his report. -Animal!

General Detweiler will have my head for this.

He'll never believe his report was eaten by a goat.

-Was it? -Oh, that's pretty hard to believe.

I don't think you're gonna get away with that story.

Oh, I get it. You guys set me up.

Well, it's not gonna work, Pierce.

I'm gonna see that you get everything

you've got coming to you and more.

Great idea. You and I can play gin in the stockade.

It appears to me you two can go down together or bail each other out.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, if the goat had a previous record

as a paper-eater which was proved by an authorized investigator,

such as yourself,

and corroborated by a C.O., such as myself,

then the two of you'd be off the hook.

So what do ya say, Van Zandt? Do we sink or swim?

One hand whitewashes the other. It's up to you.

Okay. Okay, you got me.

I'll clear Pierce.

But you better pray that our paths never cross again.

I'm gonna take this goat and show it to General Detweiler.

Uh, just make sure you feed her.

Yeah, that shouldn't be too tough.

She eats just about anything.

Especially paper with a little molasses on it.

It was very charitable of Major Van Zandt to expedite our new payroll.

Well, that's the kind of guy he is.

I want you to know, Hawkeye

I never thought you stole the money.

Of course, some people consider me to be rather naive.

Oh, thank you, Father. You darn me with faint praise.

120. 140. 150. There. Finished.

Oh, you forget one thing, Major. That's just the interest.

You still owe me the original 50.

Very well.

20. 40. 50.

Wonderful. Now I'm out of cash again.

How do you expect me to make it through to the end of the month?

Oh, with the "hep" of a friend.

Hi, friend.