Original subtitles

Hey, look at this. It's a Polaroid.

If you need more penicillin, I'll get it for you.

All right, boys, what's all the tumult?

The camera's been stolen!

They're having a little problem

with the stolen goods report of yours.

What, they couldn't read my typing?

They couldn't read it because they didn't receive it.

I must have sent 'em the carbon paper.

What an original mistake.

Little Chicago? What's that?

Big place in field somewhere.

Just like Macy's,

except everything there stolen from Gimbels.

Hey, buddy, I'm lookin' for a special kind of camera.

You mean Polaroid. You lucky.

This brand-new. Come in last week.

Corporal, are you aware this camera's been stolen?

Yeah, sure. I just found it and bought it.

All right, step out of the jeep, soldier.

Down to my bones,

I know that boy did not swipe the camera.

Relax. Klinger's off the hook.

Oh, by the way, when you see Klinger,

give him a message for me.

Tell him the heat is on.

C.I.D. is investigating stolen goods.

So this bad time to sell anything in Little Chicago.

Okay, I'll get those drinks now.

No. Not for me. I've just gone back to work.

-Court-martial? -They'll slap you

with a dishonorable discharge,

which means no vet benefits,

plus a civilian criminal record

doggin' you for the rest of your life.

What I don't understand is,

even if I did it, which I didn't,

why are they making such a big deal over one lousy camera?

Well, they figure a big crime ring

is behind all these thefts

and they hope you'll lead them

to the bigger sharks in the pond.

Wonderful.

Son, I'm sorry to have to tell you this.

The army says, if you can name some names,

they'd be willing to call the whole thing off.

Colonel, the only way I could name names

is if I was a crook, which I'm not.

I wish I was. Then I could rat on my buddies and get off.

Well, don't go and get yourself fitted

for a ball and chain yet.

You've still got your day in court.

And you've got the truth on your side.

With all due respect, sir,

at this point, I'd rather have

an unimpeachable, paid-off witness.

You got more important things to worry about,

like getting yourself a defense counsel.

My Uncle Harry's the best whiplash man in Toledo.

But he's tied up right now.

Could we put this off for 10 years to life?

Well, don't worry about getting a real lawyer.

In these parts, the army only uses officers.

One for your side, one for their side.

You can even pick your own if you have somebody in mind.

I can't represent you. We're both witnesses for the prosecution.

-Didn't Colonel Potter tell you that? -Sure, he did,

but picture this.

If one of the state's two star witnesses

suddenly defends me to the hilt,

then the whole case would be exposed as

an ugly fabrication of sham.

I think that's what's known as a conflict of interest.

Oh, sure, they got rules for everything.

What are they paying you to torpedo me?

They subpoenaed us.

Klinger, why are you trusting your future

to the hands of a man who's sole legal knowledge is

the age of consent in all 48 states?

That's what makes him the perfect choice.

He can talk anybody into anything.

Just ask two thirds of the nursing staff.

Klinger, you're missing the point.

The court martial board is not going to be swayed

by the carnal clichés of a third rate lothario.

What you need for you defense is

a man who will bring to it an air of dignity and stature.

Yeah. But where are we gonna get somebody like that?

We're gonna get me.

-You?

Charles Emerson Winchester, defender of the downtrodden.

Charles, you do all the trodding.

That's how they got down.

Why the sudden interest in Klinger's welfare?

Yeah. You don't even like me.

You're always calling me those long four-letter words.

I will defend you because I'm the officer most qualified to do so.

Finally! Someone who thinks I'm innocent.

I didn't say that.

Your guilt or innocence doesn't concern me in the least.

What concerns me is winning.

Sounds like a lawyer to me.

Yeah, this is serious business.

What makes you so sure you can win?

Why not? After all, what is an attorney

but a graduate student who couldn't get into medical school.

Gee. Somehow being defended by a guy who hates my guts

makes me nervous.

A good lawyer is not swayed by disaffection for one's guts.

It'd be a rare opportunity...

for litigious excitement.

A thrust and parry of a verbal joust with a worthy opponent.

I didn't understand a word he said.

-What a perfect lawyer. -B.J.: Don't do it, Klinger.

Let I-Corps assign somebody.

Oh, sure.

Some apathetic clock puncher who doesn't care

whether he wins or loses.

Let me defend you, Klinger,

and I assure you, you won't regret it.

It'll be the most rational decision you've made

since you renounced women's wear.

Consider, Klinger,

the first syllable of Winchester is "win."

Okay, Major, you've got yourself a client.

Major,

tell the court, if you would, uh, please,

what you know of the defendant's character.

All right.

"Maxwell Klinger is a rare individual.

"Not only is he honest and trustworthy,

"a font of loyalty--"

Your Honor, would you instruct the witness

to stop tittering and answer the question?

Please answer the question, Margaret-- Major.

I-- I'm trying to help, but this isn't easy.

It--

He is also the cement that binds our unit.

Binds our unit.

In my rendered opinion from the bench,

continued hysterics from the witness

might tend to undermine her credibility.

Major, you may step down and continue all the way to out.

I'm-- I just--

We don't need her.

And she's one of the friendly witnesses.

I would like to call to the stand

one Father Francis Mulcahy.

-Thanks, Father.

Father, would you tell the court

in your own sacred words

your assessment of my client's character?

I'd be delighted.

I think the following anecdote

capsulizes the essence of the man.

Please proceed, and, uh, speak up.

Recently, I found myself in need

of some new Bibles for my Sunday School class.

-Ixnay, Father. -Uh, Klinger,

this is no time for modesty.

Please proceed, Father.

The old ones were all tattered.

Now, where was I going to find 18 new Bibles,

and at a price we could afford?

Where indeed?

Well, sir, I confided my dilemma to Klinger.

And somehow, like a miracle,

the next week,

18 brand-new Bibles turned up.

I don't know how he convinced

the Seoul Plaza Hotel

to make that generous donation.

Yeah.

That's a wonderful story, Father.

But I don't think I can base the case

on the stickiness of my client's fingers.

-Sticky fingers? -Yes.

You mean hot Bibles!

-Hey, Hawk, what kept you? -Oh, I'm sorry.

I got wrapped up in that symphony

-on Charles's tape recorder. -Oh, yeah?

I got-- I completely lost track of time.

Isn't that thing fantastic? The resonance, the clarity.

When was the last time you heard

the "1812 Overture" sound so lifelike?

Not since 1812.

HAWKEYE: ♪ I'm gonna get you

♪ On a slow boat to China

B.J.: Hey, hey, hey, Hawk!

Knock off the noise, will you?

HAWKEYE: Oh, yeah? Why should-- Oh, I know.

You're just jealous 'cause I'm in great voice tonight.

B.J.: Oh, I'll show you what great voice you're in.

I'll record it on Charles' tape recorder

and make you listen to it.

B.J.: How could he afford

such an expensive tape recorder?

HAWKEYE: Are you kidding?

Money means nothing to Charles.

He's the only American who landed in Incheon

with Traveler's Checks.

I'll bet you Charles paid

more than 200 for that tape recorder,

and I'm talkin' American dollars.

Oh, listen, listen. I was in Seoul.

I saw-- I saw a used one--

Wait. I'm sorry-- For 250. 250.

I'm tellin' you--

I'm telling you, this business is giving me a headache.

I think we've made an important medical discovery.

If you act drunk long enough,

you get a real hangover.

I need a wet compress and a dry martini.

Later. We got hooks to bait.

I am so glad he keeps his key in here now.

I hated going through his socks.

Oh, I hope this guy makes his move soon.

He's made it.

-What? -The tape recorder's gone.

Oh, terrific! We're off baiting the hook,

and the fish comes in here and picks the lock.

-Evening, Charles.

-Hi, Charles. -Gentlemen.

Hunnicutt, get off my footlocker.

So how are you doin'?

Tell him.

You tell him. You take a punch better.

Okay. Charles, there's something

very important I have to tell you.

Yes, Hunnicutt?

But no one can tell it quite the way Hawkeye can.

Oh.

-Charles -Yes. Pierce.

Somebody came--

Um, I think some-- No, but--

Somebody took your tape recorder.

What are you babbling about?

-Your tape recorder. -It's not in your footlocker.

It isn't?

How do you know that?

Uh, uh...

Well, I'm sitting on it, and I can tell.

Hunnicutt, you do indeed possess hindsight.

The tape recorder is not in the footlocker.

No.

It is with Klinger.

I want him to commit his testimony to memory.

-Oh. Oh. -Oh.

When are you gonna get your tape recorder back

under lock and key

where nobody can get at it?

-Tomorrow. -Ah! Good.

Why this sudden interest in my tape recorder?

Charles, haven't you heard?

The place is crawling with thieves.

These thieves don't crawl very fast.

I don't understand it. Three days and no takers.

-So where's Klinger? -I don't know.

You don't think he went AWOL, do you?

Nah. How far can a man run on rubber legs?

Why would he want to run away?

The man has all the confidence in the world in me.

Please don't take me, sirs! I don't wanna go!

Klinger, I thought you had more smarts.

Under the beds in post-op is the first place we had to look.

There you are, my cowering little criminal.

Major, I've given this an awful lot of thought.

I've decided to stand up like a man

at the court-martial and beg for postponement.

Perish the thought!

-Postponements are for losers. -Perfect.

Come on, Max. How big a case can they have against you

when their star witnesses are two of your closest friends?

After I get finished testifying for you,

they're gonna award you a Good Conduct Medal.

On top of that, Winchester's got my deposition,

and I put in a couple of hundred good words for you.

That's great, sir, but I still wish

you could be there in distinguished person.

Sorry, son, but some of us have to stay behind

in case we have to put out the welcome stretcher.

Good luck, Klinger. You are--

You are the cement that binds our unit together.

Now she gets it right.

Good-bye, Klinger. My prayers are with you.

I appreciate that, Father,

especially after the 18 Bibles.

Oh, forget about that, son.

Your heart was in the right place,

even if your hands weren't.

You know, with this kind of support,

maybe I just might beat this rap.

To a veritable pulp, Max. I shall personally see to it.

Then what are we waiting for?

Let's get this show on the road!

Good luck, Klinger.

God speed.

MAN: Ten-hut!

At ease. Take your seats.

Just look at him, my worthy teenage opponent.

Hmm. Where is the challenge?

I'm surprised he doesn't have training wheels

for his briefcase.

You're as good as cleared, Max.

I could whip him with one deposition

-tied behind my back.

This special court-martial of the United States Army versus

uh, Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger is now in session.

The defendant is charged with one count grand theft.

We will now entertain opening statements by counsel.

Thank you, Mr. President.

Members of the court, my worthy opponent.

I shall be brief.

I intend to prove to this august tribunal

that my client is totally innocent

of the malicious and unfounded charges

which have been brought against him.

And though my learned colleague

with his months of experience

undoubtedly believes otherwise,

I shall hold the army accountable

for the vindictive manner in which it is persecuting

and prosecuting this innocent man!

Psst. Over here, sir.

I mean, of course,

this innocent man. Sorry.

That's interestingly stated,

Major, uh, Winchester,

but you're out of order.

Out of order? I don't understand.

It's not your turn.

The prosecution speaks first.

Of course he does.

Boy, these guys are real sticklers.

Yeah.

Colonel, I finally found that rectal thermometer invoice.

Klinger had it filed under "Business Equipment."

-Thank you, Major. -In a couple of days,

I'll have this cockeyed system all straightened out.

Don't uncockeye that system, Major.

Otherwise, when Klinger gets back,

he won't know how to misplace the stuff properly

so he can find it later.

What if he doesn't come back, sir?

Knock off that kind of talk, Major Houlihan.

I'm sorry, Colonel.

We've got to keep positive thoughts here.

Now, how you doin', Padre?

Actually, I'm quite enjoying the job, Colonel...

uh, temporary, though it may be.

I only wish I had a machine like this

for my own personal use.

Well, talk to Klinger when he gets back.

Probably plenty more where he hustled this one from.

Damn. I wish I could be there in person

to vouch for his character.

Now then, Captain Pierce, this shouldn't take long.

For the record,

I have your statement declaring

that the camera which was found

in the defendant's possession

was the same camera that you reported stolen.

-Is this your signature? -Rather mundane opening ploy.

Uh, yes, but when I signed that, I didn't--

Thank you, Captain. You've answered the question.

And does this statement not also acknowledge

that Corporal Klinger failed to file a stolen goods report

when asked to do so by his commanding officer?

Yes, but he filed it as soon as we found out--

As soon as you and Captain Hunnicutt

discovered his so-called oversight

-and left him no choice. -Objection!

The prosecution is clearly trying to lead the witness.

Mr. President, although the prosecution has subpoenaed him,

Captain Pierce is a friend of the defendant.

He has continually expressed a reluctance

to testify against him.

Clearly he is a hostile witness.

And pursuant to the Uniform Code of Military Justice,

I believe that it is my right

to employ a greater latitude in questioning him.

Captain Rollins, you have certainly done your homework.

How appropriate for a schoolboy.

Objection overruled.

-Proceed, Captain Rollins. -Say, just a--

-Major, sit down! -Right.

Now then, Captain Pierce,

where were you when the camera was stolen?

I was in surgery in the O.R.,

and so, might I add, was Corporal Kling--

Confine your answers to the questions, Captain, please.

Now then, where was Corporal Klinger?

As I was about to say, Corporal Klinger was in the O.R.,

helping out, as he always does.

-I see. Helping out. -Yes.

Would that include such things as leaving the O.R.

to go for penicillin?

Well, yes, but, uh--

but that was, uh, if I may so,

a compassionate and heroic function.

And just how long did he take to perform

this compassionate and heroic function?

Well, I don't know. I was-- I was busy, uh, with a patient.

I wasn't watching the clock, but it certainly wasn't long.

Well, long enough for Klinger to get to your tent

take the camera, stash it away and return?

-No, not as long as that. -How do you know that?

Did you not just tell this court

that you were busy with a patient

and not watching the clock?

Well, those were my words, but that's not what I said.

-I mean, that's-- -In short, Captain Pierce,

you don't know how long

Corporal Klinger was out of the O.R.

Objection!

The question is irrelevant and immaterial

and I'm sure a few other things.

I fail to see how this damning testimony

establishes my client's guilt or innocence.

Well, you're the only one, Major. Overruled.

Captain, answer the question. I might remind you that you're still under oath.

I don't know how long Klinger was gone.

-But the supply room is very-- -Thank you.

Your witness, Major. I have no further questions.

I should say not.

In your opinion, Captain Pierce,

would Klinger take your camera?

-No! -Objection.

Sustained.

Colonel, you have to eat.

Depriving yourself of food

isn't gonna help Klinger.

Next, Major, you're gonna tell me to make all gone.

Everyone shows their anxiety

in different ways, Colonel,

but to shun the necessities of life--

It's not the anxiety, it's the pimento loaf.

-They're back! -Well, what happened?

Klinger's only hope is to get a recess

long enough to go to law school.

My deposition ought to help. Did they get to it yet?

They did, and it was very nice, Colonel.

But the prosecuting attorney also had depositions

from three "l" Corps supply clerks,

the accounts payable department

at a Tokyo dress manufacturer--

Please, enough.

And I wasn't much help either.

MAN : Attention, all personnel!

In honor of the return of Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt,

we're having a big Meet the Wounded party in O.R.

Great. Two blood baths in one day.

How then do you explain that when the arresting M.P.s

returned with you to that exact spot not 30 minutes later

there was no trace of this Little Chicago?

Well, they must have packed up and left.

Oh, come on now, Corporal,

isn't this obviously a case of res ipsa loquitur?

-Racial Pepsi Cola? -I must object

strenuously!

-On what grounds? -Because...

Uh, I'll have it in a minute.

Major, we don't have all day. What is your objection?

Just a minute. Just a minute.

Uh, forgive my ignorance, Mr. President,

but that's a term I'm not familiar with.

Oh, don't know it. Hmm.

Well, I am.

Major, I want you to explain to this court

exactly what that means.

Huh.

Aspirin, three times a day.

POTTER: Easy on the suction

or we'll turn him inside out.

MARGARET: Look at this shrapnel!

MULCAHY: Yes, he's sure got

his minimum daily requirement of iron.

POTTER: Forceps. Damn it, hurry up!

MARGARET: This boy's been here before, hasn't he, Doctor?

POTTER: Unfortunately, too many of 'em

come back for seconds.

MULCAHY: Here are those towels

you asked for, Major Houlihan.

MARGARET: Thanks, Father.

Goldman, get these towels distributed.

The point is, gentlemen,

that my client is totally innocent

of all the charges against him.

Of that there can be no question.

But if you,

in your wisdom,

do not agree...

think of me.

My expenditure of time and effort

has been staggering!

And what of my credibility?

Three generations of Winchesters

have never lost an argument

much less a trial.

If you send this man to the stockade,

it will be an injustice,

albeit a minor one.

But the damage to my reputation

will be a tragedy of epic proportions.

With that--

I leave you to your collective consciences

to deliberate my fate.

And his.

CHARLES: The defense rests.

Please, sir.

Will you handle my appeal?

POTTER: Retractor, Margaret.

Any more of these fellows come back,

and we'll have to start fitting 'em with zippers.

See to that, Margaret, I've got a bleeder.

MARGARET: Father, I could use you again.

MULCAHY: Oh, yes, Major. Be right there.

MARGARET: Kellye, we're gonna need more blood in here.

And then give Dr. Pierce a hand.

-Hey, what are you doin'?

-B.J.: Beautiful! -HAWKEYE: Keep snarling!

You've got a real future in pictures.

"And after careful deliberation,

"we the members of the special court-martial

find you, the accused,

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger"--

It's okay, Sergeant. We're on our side.

Sorry to interrupt, Colonel Drake,

but we'd be sorrier if we didn't.

What is going on here?

Only a little ex post facto, habeas corpus

flagrante delicto, delightful and de-lovely.

Captain, you are interrupting

a United States Army court-martial!

And you better have a good explanation!

We have a terrific explanation.

What are you doing? Have you no regard

for the sanctity of these proceedings?

I'm proceeding right to the stockade. Let 'em talk!

-You can't do that. -Yes, I can. You're fired.

-Will you get to the point? -Talk is cheap.

Especially when one picture is worth a thousand words.

The missing piece of the puzzle was provided by Captain Rollins

during his inspired third degree.

You see, he pointed out that Klinger wasn't in the O.R. when the camera was stolen.

And we realized that all the thefts took place when we were in surgery.

So when we got back to camp, we staged a phony O.R.

Light-fingered Louie here thought everyone was in surgery.

Captain Pierce and I put Major Winchester's tape recorder on display.

-You what? -B.J.: While we lurked in the shadows,

our model thief came by to have his picture taken.

I think he looks better with the cuffs on,

-Don't you? -Corporal...

I was about to find you guilty.

But in the light of this new evidence,

I think that your friends here have helped us avert

a serious miscarriage of justice.

-Case is dismissed.

-I beat the rap!

There you are, Max. Told you I'd get you off.

Guys, I can't just take your camera.

-You paid for it. -And we think it's appropriate

that the new owner takes the picture.

-ALL: Yeah! -Come on.

All right. All right. All right, everybody.

Now get in there and scrunch together a little more.

Somebody get my oils.

I can paint this cluster with less fuss.

Sorry to interrupt you, folks,

but do you know where I can find

a Father Francis Mulcahy?

Uh, I'm Father Mulcahy.

Yes, Father, uh,

I'd like to ask you a few questions.

It's about some stolen Bibles.

-Eighteen to be exact. -Why, uh--

Don't say another word, Father.

Let your counselor handle this.