Original subtitles

Okay! Okay! Listen up! Mail call!

Get 'em while they're hot!

What's the story with the newspapers?

I ain't seen a Wall Street Journal for two weeks.

Nothing's changed. There's still no second-class mail.

Don't start up with me again.

Snow and sleet is one thing,

kneeing the mailman is a federal offense.

Hold your water, folks.

There's no reason to kill the messenger.

He's been calling all over

trying to track down those periodicals.

Besides, this is nothing. Back in WWI,

I went 19 Saturdays without an Evening Post.

Thank you, sir. That story never fails to move me.

-MAN: So what's the poop? -The only lead so far

is that all second-class mail to South Korea

might have been sent to South Dakota.

-Leesman.

Look, we're all suffering from this.

For me, the worst of it is

that Li'l Abner was just about to pop the question

to Daisy Mae.

For all I know, they're already post-nuptializing

in the honeymoon suite

-of the Dogpatch Hilton. -Papazian!

Mercer, Foytack, Margolese.

Oh, Major Winchester, package for you, sir.

Ah! Klinger, your timing is perfect.

-What's in there, sir? -Ah-ah-ah.

Curiosity killed the clerk.

Moran. Potter.

Sounds like those macaroons

the missus promised you, sir.

Thank goodness they're not rerouting the vittles.

If only these were fortune cookies,

we'd have something to read too.

Yarborough!

Charles!

Morning, Hunnicutt. Trust you slept well.

I'm not finished yet, so stop slurping

and snapping your newspaper.

Newspaper?

Great!

We're back on the army's paper route again.

I'll finally get last month's issue of Nude Volleyball.

Any minute now,

I'll see Brunhilda come bouncing in here.

Put your libido on hold, Pierce.

I'm afraid your second-class mail

is still stacked up over No-Man's-Land.

How come you got a newspaper?

Because the Boston Globe

does not travel second class.

I have a week's worth sent from home

parcel post by my sister Honoria

along with other necessities of life.

-A week's worth? -Imagine, Beej.

Little us, actually tent mates with a great humanitarian

with newspapers to share.

He's more than a humanitarian, he's a saint.

He's more than a saint, he's a fast reader.

I got dibs on the sports section.

-I want the crossword puzzle. -Gentlemen!

-Hey, hey, hey! -Or should I say "children"?

When, and only when,

I have finished this entire newspaper

you may have it.

That should be in about an hour, two.

That's fine. It'll probably take us that long

to read all these others over here.

No one will touch any newspaper

until I have read it first page to last.

And I read one, and only one, per day.

Charles--

What is this, the Korean newspaper torture?

You can read one a day.

Just let us read these others first.

Gentlemen, tea and an un-thumbed newspaper

are among the few remnants of civilization

that enable me to face the day

here in hell's outhouse.

I refuse to give them up

simply because you suddenly find yourselves

with nothing to read.

You have a choice:

one per day or none per day.

Oh, great!

I suppose we'll have to scrub before we read them.

That'd be ludicrous.

All I ask is that this remain our secret.

We don't want to be disturbed by hordes of little readers.

You will excuse me.

I have an appointment with Joseph Alsop.

MAN : Attention all personnel.

Triage in the compound. We have the finalists

in the shrapnel-catching contest.

Sorry, Charles, we'll have to interrupt your newspaper

for some late-breaking bones.

-Well. -NURSE: Emergency!

-Emergency over here. -Bandages over here.

B.J.: Nurse!

Another North Korean. Bad chest wound.

Hi, there!

I hope the fact that I'm on the side that shot you

won't strain our doctor-patient relationship.

Good morning, Doctor and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea.

Dateline, Dogpatch.

Highly placed sources at I-Corps have learned

that Li'l Abner and Daisy Mae have tied the knot!

-Rats.

I've missed the wedding of the century.

Well, come on, Klinger. Fill us in.

It's seems Li'l Abner vowed he would only get married

if his ideal, Fearless Fosdick, would do it first.

What, pray tell, is a "Fearless Fosdick"?

Everybody knows he's the gumshoe

with the ventilated head, doofus.

And you call yourself well-read?

Well, anyway, Fearless got married,

so, naturally, Li'l Abner did too.

But the next day, it turned out

that Fosdick's marriage was a dream.

Unfortunately, for Li'l Abner, it was real.

-Oh, no. -I'm sure it's for the best.

That Daisy Mae is a woman of quality.

I'll bet she even had her feet shined for the wedding.

Did your highly placed sources tell you

where our lousy newspapers are?

Sorry, folks, there's no news tonight.

But fear not. For your reading enjoyment,

I'm hot on the trail

of a complete unabridged library of army manuals.

Okay. It's okay. It's nothing. Believe me.

If I don't get something to read soon,

I'll go crazy.

Now, Major, in times of stress we have to,

you know, tough it out.

Beej, have you noticed how really well

Charles is bearing up under the strain?

Isn't he amazing?

-He doesn't make an issue. -So relaxed.

He's really showing us what he's made of.

Gentlemen, I suggest

that both of you tend to your knitting.

Do you read me?

Uh, retraction.

Not you.

Ha! Father!

Ha! Imagine running into you

sitting here reading my paper.

Oh, yes. I was walking by and, to my surprise,

I saw it lying there on your bunk.

Couldn't resist catching up on the news.

-I hope you don't mind. -Mind? No Mind?

Why on earth should I mind?

Perhaps you'd be more comfortable inside.

-Light's better. -Oh, no.

It's such a lovely day.

That's why I came outside.

Say, how did you get hold of this?

The paper? I received some fish.

It was wrapped up in this.

Why don't you come inside, Father?

I'll make you some tea.

Oh, well, that would be lovely.

-Father!

Where did you get that newspaper?

Could I have the fashion section?

Well, actually,

it belongs to Major Winchester,

but I'm sure he wouldn't mind parting with it.

-Would you, Major?

It's funny, you know?

It doesn't even smell fishy.

Well, lookee here!

It's been so long, I wouldn't swear to it

but that looks a lot like a newspaper!

-It's Major Winchester's. -He was kind enough

to ask us in to browse through it.

Well, mighty Samaritan of you, Winchester.

Don't mind helpin' myself to the funnies.

-Here. -Ho! Ha!

Hey, look at this! A newspaper!

Hey! Where'd they get a newspaper?

Hey, give me the classifieds! I need a job.

Let me see Louella Parsons.

-Enough.

That's enough! Enough!

This is my newspaper.

I will not have it passed around

like a bottle of cheap wine.

Major! Surely, if you're fortunate enough

to have a newspaper,

you're not going to withhold it

from these people.

-ALL: Yeah!

All right! All--

All right. Since you've asked so nicely,

I suppose we have to compromise.

When, and only when, I have read each day's paper

-Each? -Each?

How many papers do you have?

Fess up, Major. Are you hoarding newsprint?

Just how many of these "fish wrappers" are there?

Well, wouldn't you know. As luck would have it,

I have one, two, maybe seven.

Seven!

Seven newspapers? You creep!

I am so glad you are all here.

I was just about to announce

my "Share the Newspaper" crusade.

All I ask is the right of first perusal.

After I have read each day's paper,

I will then make it available to the general public.

One day, one paper.

Doesn't that seem a tidy arrangement?

Well, that seems fair enough.

Okay, folks. I guess the tar-and-featherin' party is over.

You all go on about your business,

and I'll see to it

that each and every one of you gets an eyeful.

Yeah, well, I just hope so.

Don't worry about it. You will.

And here we have Private Kim,

our foreign exchange prisoner.

-Aigo! Aigo! -Okay. Okay. Take it easy.

Where does he think he's going?

Aigois Korean for "ouch."

Unfortunately, it's a common word

heard every day around the war.

Give him his morphine. It's in the medicine cabinet.

We hide it behind the Wildroot Cream Oil.

So what do you think? Should I ask her to the prom?

Well, with that kind of attitude, no wonder you can't get a date.

Look, just take it easy.

-In a couple of days, you'll be fine.

Keep that up, you'll stay home New Year's too.

Doctor, I'm Lieutenant Yook.

My men and I are here to guard our prisoners.

Oh! Good. Just in the nick of time.

Keep your eye on that one.

This morning, he almost sat up.

They will stay here until they are well enough to move,

then we take them to prison camp.

Well, I guess it beats staying

in the hot city all summer.

Where can I find your commanding officer?

Probably in the mess tent.

You can't miss it. It's big, green,

smells like New Jersey.

-HAWKEYE: Hey, hey, hey!

The butt stops here.

Just-- Uh--

-Hey!

-You're not authorized to use-- -Stay out of this, fur face,

-or this is gonna be your lunch! -Here, sit down, Major.

May I get you something cool to drink?

-Turn this on. -Okay.

-Action. -Huh?

Attention, all vermin!

That's giving you the benefit of the doubt.

I have just discovered the untimely disappearance

of my May 5 issue of the Boston Globe

which has obviously been pilfered

by some member of the pernicious race of lowlife

which infests this pig mire.

Furthermore, I consider no one in this camp above suspicion

with the possible exception of that 80% of you

who are incapable of reading the English language.

Thus, I retract my previous magnanimous offer,

and none of you cretins will lay one slimy paw

on any of my papers

until the missing issue is returned!

Thank you. Thank you.

Can I have some, uh...

Help yourself to some breakfast

before we lowlifes steal it all!

Hell hath no fury

like pernicious vermin scorned.

Charles, you just put

a whole shoe store in your mouth.

Winchester, just a hunch--

Will Rogers never met you, did he?

-Doctor

I was just wondering when the prisoners

will be well enough to travel.

What's the rush? You'll get your fists on them soon enough.

The one with the stomach wound,

he does not look good to me.

Yeah, well, that's a funny side effect

with people who have holes in their bellies:

they tend not to look too good.

-But he seem -Look, as long as

your prisoner is my patient,

any medical information concerning him

is none of your damned business.

That patient is in more danger than you know.

What are you talking about?

His kidneys, they are not strong.

How do you know?

When he was a small boy, he was very sick.

He is my brother.

-He's your brother? -My real name is also Kim.

We grew up in the north, in Pyongyang.

My father, he knew war was coming,

so he sent me to live in the South.

Why wouldn't your father want to keep the whole family together?

He did not know which side would win or which side would lose.

By placing a son on each side,

he knew one of us would be on the side of victory

and would be able to carry on the family name.

A 50-50 chance of survival. What a way to hedge your bet.

I do not know if any have survived but my brother.

He is the first one I have seen in almost two years.

You mean you haven't even talked to him yet?

No. That is not possible.

If I am seen talking to him,

it may appear to my lieutenant

that I am a spy sent by the north.

And if other prisoners see my brother talking to me,

they will think he is a traitor

and kill him in prison camp.

Can't even talk to your own brother.

I would tell you none of this,

except I must be sure he is taken care of.

Why didn't your brother tell me about his condition?

He does not trust you.

In the north, we are taught to hate all Americans.

I beg you not to reveal this to anyone.

No, I won't tell anybody. I promise.

I must go.

I've already put my brother in too much danger.

Hey! Hey! What are you--

Hey! Come on!

Oh! Hey!

A brother's biggest problem

ought to be who Dad liked best.

-Uh-huh. -I mean, can you imagine

being in the same room with your own brother

and you can't even say "Hi! How've you been?

By the way, is the rest of the family still alive?"

Look, before you get any idea

about getting in the middle of this, don't.

-Why not? -Because there's a good chance

you might get them both shot.

When I come to you for advice,

why do you always give me logic?

WOMAN: Whoo!

How are you?

Well, well! News travels fast.

Charles, you didn't tell me you were in the paper.

-Is that the missing one? -No. It's yesterday's.

This prank is obviously the work of mindless boobs,

and I will get you and Pierce for this!

As ashamed as I am to admit it, Charles, we're innocent.

Ha! Then who is responsible for this?

You can narrow it down to anybody

after yesterday's blistering radio editorial.

Pig mire residents have feelings too, ya know.

Given the nature of the wrong done to me,

I felt that the rhetoric fit the crime.

All I know is if I had a rope dealership around here,

I'd be a millionaire.

Charles, why don't you get back on the P.A.,

which, in this case, stands for "public apology"?

For what possible purpose?

Well, you just might get your robe and newspaper back.

Ha! Firstly, eh, I don't need a robe.

I bought a lovely kimono in Tokyo

for my sister Honoria.

Secondly--

the newspaper is no longer the issue.

Revenge is the issue.

Charles, I'm warning you, bury the hatchet

before they use it to chop you to bits.

Never! I did not fire the first shot

in this news war,

but rest assured, I shall fire the last!

CHARLES : It is 3 a.m.

and time to play your favorite game show

"Tit For Tat."

Given the juvenile behavior

of all you bad little boys and girls,

I just know you're all going to enjoy

the following selection.

MAN: Knock that off! Shut that off!

How much longer is this gonna go on?

Don't worry about it, Hawk.

It'll all blow over after they kill him.

You guys were lucky to be on sedatives.

You didn't have to hear the blues in the night.

I guess. I don't know.

You know, you don't have to worry about the food.

Believe me, if it was poisoned, it would taste much better.

-Oh!

You look very Japanese, Major.

Do you speak the language?

Of course not.

Oh!

-Hunnicutt. -Hmm? Oh, Charles.

Somebody was here for you,

but I made darn sure they didn't touch

one of your newspapers.

I'll get you.

I will get you all for this

if I have to steal a B-29!

-I don't know,

but it shouldn't be too hard

to find a man who's trying to hide a B-29

-under his kimono.

Maybe we should put our tents in a circle.

This must come to an end.

Vengeance is best left to the Lord.

Besides, I can't get into my tent

for all of Winchester's belongings.

Don't worry about it, Father.

You're being martyred for a good cause.

Well, you can laugh, but there's no place to kneel in there.

MARGARET: You can come to my place, Father.

Before you take that tent

for a spin, Major, read this!

If you'd have just gotten off your big vendetta

and moved on to your next day's paper,

you'd have saved us all a lot of aggravation!

POTTER : Attention, people, and that's an order.

I've had it up to my baby blues with all of ya.

Not only am I putting the whoa-Nelly on this tomfoolery,

I'm demanding an official apology

from the person who started it all in the first place!

I didn't start I didn't--

Yeah. Well, uh--

It would seem that I have made an unfortunate

although completely understandable, error.

Uh, it seems that the May 5 issue of the Boston Globe,

which I logically assumed to have been stolen,

was, in fact, not delivered that day

to certain areas due to a wildcat trucker strike.

I hope you all find that as wry

and amusing as I do.

Well, since we're all anxious to forget

this harmless little incident

and return to our normal routine,

I guess that's all there is to say.

Now may I please have my clothing back?

Now, seeing as how we've

all been chomping at the bit for the news,

I'm just gonna take a page from that Fiorello fellow.

Now, then, here's Li'l Abner.

In the first picture, we see Ab

and a beautiful Daisy Mae in her bridal outfit--

shorts, halter, and a veil,

as she finally gets to utter

those immortal words

she's been waiting so long to say:

"I does."

Moving on to the second picture, we got--

Major, close your robe!

No, no, no. Nothing to worry about.

This won't even tickle.

It's okay.

Doctors, come quickly!

There's something wrong here!

What's the matter? What is it?

He's bleeding into his belly.

We better get him to O .R. right now.

Gurney!

He's gonna need a lot of blood.

Better be the right type.

You! You know your blood type?

Blood type? "A"!

Perfect. Cross match 'em to make sure.

You may have one less prisoner to take in.

Come with me, please.

Okay, let's get that needle in right away.

I do not understand. The needle isn't--

Shh! Lie quietly.

We don't wanna disturb the neighbors.

Talk to your brother. Tell him he's fine...

and anything else you wanna tell him.

Thank you, doctor.

Unless you need something else, sir, I'll be leaving.

I'm fine, thank you, Igor.

And thank you for keeping the mess tent open for me.

After that heartfelt apology, Major,

what else could I do?

Hey, Igor, what's this doing here?

Search me.

Boy! Some people think this is just a parking lot.