Original subtitles

MALE ANNOUNCER: A highlight from the All-American

Water Ski Tournament at Cypress Gardens, Florida.

Miss Charlene Zint teams

with Air Force Lieutenant Stu McDonald

in the mixed doubles event,

and they really put on a show.

Yes, it's a patriotic, aquatic,

ecstatic acrobatic.

The now familiar figure of General Nam'il

struts to the Korean truce talk tent

at Panmunjom

for still another secret meeting

in the long-drawn armistice negotiations.

The U.N. Chief Delegate General Harrison

and his team are on hand.

"Marking the first anniversary of truce talks."

Can you believe this?

365 days, and all they can agree on

is the shape of the conference table.

Actually, the toughest thing in any relationship

is picking out the furniture.

They can't even set the agenda because they can't agree

that the first item on the agenda,

which they don't have, is to set the agenda.

Meanwhile, back at the war,

more and more kids get to be teenagers forever.

I'd say there was no point in letting this drive you crazy,

but I can see I'm too late.

Those idiots are fiddling while Korea burns.

That doesn't bother you, huh?

Sure, it bothers me. What can I do about it?

Well, you could get enraged.

Or even a little peeved.

From you, I'd settle for irked.

Or at least one good "oh, pshaw."

I save my "oh, pshaws" for things I can do something about.

Yeah, well, I'm going to do something about it.

Oh, yeah? Good.

Actually, I was getting tired of this war.

HAWKEYE : Dear Harry,

I know as president, you're busy stopping bucks and all,

so I'll be brief.

I am a doctor and Democrat,

loyal Democrat now living in Korea.

Or as I call it, hell.

I'd like to be home before winter when hell freezes over.

Hawkeye Pierce? Dr. H. Pierce?

Yeah, what is it, Klinger?

Our C.O.-ness requests your presence

for a big powwow with Colonel Ditka.

Green tie is optional.

All right, all right. I'll be right over.

I'm sure you're aware

that peace talks are a year old

and we're all a year older.

I've given it a lot of thought,

and call me a crackpot,

but I think I've got a solution to this problem.

Stop the war.

Who's Colonel Ditka?

Colonel Ditka's look-seein' us to make sure we get

all the medical, engineering and supply goodies

we need to make this war more comfy.

Well, that's very comforting to know the army's

supporting us in our efforts here.

We at H.Q. appreciate

the vital work you're doing and want to help.

If you need anything, just say the word, and it's yours.

What incredible timing.

Just yesterday, I ran out of Ava Gardner.

Okay, Colonel, the rainy season's up and coming.

When we're trying to get the wounded into pre-op,

often we're slipping and sliding in the mud.

A wooden ramp would be a godsend.

An O.R. refrigerator that held more blood would be nice.

Smaller battles would be nicer.

Pierce, please. I'll tell you what we really need.

A higher capacity water heater.

Oh, yeah, that's right. You know, like for hospital linens, hot packs.

Not to mention sterilization.

I'd have to agree, that's top priority.

A water heater's just what this doctor orders.

This is the way to do business, hmm? All right.

I've got something on my mind.

What are you doing about beautification?

Beautification?

Yes. You see, you don't notice it

because you're here every day.

But to a visiting dignitary,

this place looks terrible.

Now, High Command wants these MASH units

spruced up a bit.

Colonel, we've got priorities here,

and yanking crabgrass

is way at the bottom of the list of chores.

Didn't you see our spread in Better Homes and Hovels?

The top brass wants us

to leave this country better than we found it.

Well, how about if we meet you halfway and just leave the country?

Colonel, you can't be serious.

A combative attitude just creates more problems.

You know, he's right. Why don't you tell that

to the guys up at the peace talks?

Make all the jokes you want.

But if you expect to get that heater,

you're gonna have to go on a neighborhood improvement program.

That's the way it is.

Well, I've gotta get to the 8228th.

Yeah, I hear that place is a real dump.

Think about my offer, Colonel. Hmm?

Boy, I've seen a lot

of looniness in this man's army.

Once had a C.O. who made us shine

the soles of our boots.

But this! This takes the cake!

Oh, I don't know. War may be ugly,

but it shouldn't be an eyesore.

With all due respect

to Pierce's sarcasm and your tantrums, sir,

might I point out that Colonel Ditka has offered us

the opportunity to acquire the water heater we need.

Damn it, that brush lip is talkin' blackmail.

Well, if beautifying this camp

is what it takes to save some more lives,

I don't see that we have a choice.

What really chafes my chaps is that you're right.

And seeing as you're so gung ho,

you can top-kick our 4077th beatification program.

Count on me, sir. But I'll need a lot of support from everybody.

Don't worry about me, Margaret.

For the next week, I won't even talk dirty.

I got just the right-hand man for you.

Needs to work off that secretarial spread. Klinger!

That must be me, sir.

Major Houlihan's starting up

a beautification detail.

I'm appointing you foreman. Think you can handle it?

Sure. We Klingers are born semi-executives.

-I'll be mean, but fair. -That's a good lad.

Would it be too presumptuous to ask why

we're attempting to beautify this sewer?

Simple. We need a water heater.

Of course, sir. What a foolish question.

HAWKEYE: Harry, you want to know what Korea looks like today?

Picture Swiss cheese with cities.

Believe me,

putting slipcovers on the landmines just won't help.

Tell you what, you end this fiasco now,

and I pledge to purchase all your daughter Margaret's inimitable recordings.

Don't bother to deliver them,

I'd love to pick them up on my way home.

Sincerely, Hawkeye Pierce, M.D. Medical Democrat.

MAN: Doctor.

You okay?

Doctor, you do good job to take out bullet.

Soon I go to fight again?

Not until I can shake this foot

and it doesn't sound like a maraca.

What's the hurry?

I have my duty. A Turk must kill many mens.

Oh, well, I knew there had to be a good reason.

-How's yours? -Sick.

Another kid with a belly full of crankcase oil.

Uh-huh.

It's getting to be the most popular drink in Korea.

One a day keeps the combat duty away.

Ah, this kid's seen plenty of combat.

Couple months ago, his unit took a hill,

suffered 30 percent casualties.

He got a medal.

Couple days later, they lost the hill,

suffered 40 percent casualties.

Another medal.

Tomorrow, they're gonna try and retake that hill.

So he decided he didn't want to play

Korean roulette anymore, huh?

The trouble is, he loses either way.

Now he thinks he's a coward.

P.S.:

Mr. T., I'd like to tell you about a hero

with a small problem.

He's damned if he doesn't, dead if he does.

Okay, put that dirt over here.

Get those rocks out over there.

Come on. Lift that shovel. Tote that hoe.

Talk about dumb. Spiffin' up a war.

I quit.

-Hey, get back to work.

Who called a mutiny break?

We're through.

What are you gonna do about it, skyscraper nose?

What am I gonna do?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

Major, they won't work.

Oh?

Is that so?

And next time I won't be so easy on ya.

Klinger, where's the shrubbery I told you to get?

Oh, I shopped that out to a vendor who's beating the bushes for bushes.

Well, speak of the bush beater.

Hey, Kim Han, that was quick.

Piece of cake. No trouble to shake a leg.

-Who's the tomato? -Oh, tomato.

This tomato is the big cheese.

Major Houlihan, Kim Han.

Kim Han, it's very nice to meet you.

-Ditto, dollface.

Tell me, where did you learn

how to speak such interesting English?

U.S. magazines and papers. I see all the movies.

America number one!

-Lana Turner, hubba hubba.

This kid is a whiz on the States.

Yesterday we played name the capitals.

He skunked me, and I knew four.

You know, someday that's gonna make a wonderful shade tree.

If I'm still here then, I'll hang myself from it.

Okay, fork over the moola.

Here ya go, kid.

One dollar, as promised.

You need any more help, just whistle.

Do you know how to do that?

Sure.

You just put your lips together and blow.

I like movies too.

Listen, Klinger, I think we've got enough work

for Kim Han to stay on the payroll.

-Next time I'll pay. -Thanks, toots.

You just take care of the plants.

Let's go, kid. Time is moola.

There you are, Colonel.

Oh, I already knew that, Padre

but thanks for telling me anyway.

This is not the time for whimsy.

I received this memo today from my superior at H.Q.

I didn't know they had Father Superiors.

He is superior in name only.

Some green-behind-the-ears novice

with a bug up his cassock.

And you know what he wants to know?

-No. -He wants to know

what I'm doing about this company's spiraling V.D. rate.

Sorry.

Well, that's a barrel of bushwa, Padre.

They can't make a priest responsible for the V.D. problem.

Unless they believe in the theory of immaculate infection.

Well, I handle spiritual matters

around here pretty darn well.

But I shouldn't have to solve the medical problems.

And I'd say V.D. is the province of an M.D.

-Wouldn't you, Colonel? -I would, Padre.

And I'm gonna help you "unsnafu" this.

All I gotta do is figure out how.

These men have got to learn

not to practice license without a medicine.

Oh, shut your trap.

Relax, Father. We'll handle it.

We, without me.

It is patently absurd for officers to waste valuable time

monitoring the behavior of allegedly adult men.

Charles thinks this is just a lot of claptrap.

Indeed, I do.

Major, venereal disease is just that, a disease.

You're a doctor.

Why does dealing with it put your snout in the sky?

I am a doctor.

I'm deeply concerned with human suffering.

On the other hand,

if one chooses to socialize with sordid working women,

one tends to get what one deserves.

You know something, Winchester?

You're right.

People should get exactly what they deserve.

Next.

Oh, and your name, young lady?

-Sun Ki. -Oh, how lyrical.

-Hiya, Joe.

Young lady, does your mother know

what you do for a living?

This is my mother.

Piquant. Chippie off the old block.

Would you please step behind the screen and remove your garment?

-Okay. Five dollars, please.

POTTER: There you are, young lady.

You come see us again if you have another, uh,

job related injury.

Uh, Colonel,

speaking of job related injuries,

I seem to detect the beginning of injector's cramp.

Prudence would dictate that I take a rest, now.

Prudence might, but I don't.

You got a lady waiting.

Sir, this entire effort is an exercise in futility.

The presence of these women in the camp

simply affords them more opportunity for contact with the soldiers.

Major, the same idea occurred to me from the get-go,

so I have taken the precaution of posting

a chaperone to prevent any fraternizing.

Hi, honey.

Didn't you go to Union High School in Dubuque?

Excuse me, fella, this a no parking zone.

Sorry.

Do you know how many Rs there are in surreal?

ANNOUNCER: Disclosing another facet

of their unmitigated gall,

the Communists at Panmunjom

have built a new building

for the Korean truce talk delegations.

The very fact of the building suggests the Reds

regard the talks as things here to stay.

Major, I'm proud to announce

the completion of Operation Pointless.

MARGARET: I don't know. What do you think, Captain?

It's got everything-- trees, bushes, green ground?

Pretty good, huh? I painted that.

It'll be fine as long as nobody paints any weeds.

It's absurd and tasteless,

which means the army will love it.

And we'll all be in hot water.

MARGARET:

Okay, Klinger. You can dismiss the workers.

Yes, Major.

Men, the job is over.

You've really worked hard, and I appreciate that.

I hereby take back any previous threats

to screw up your leaves.

-Dismissed.

-KLINGER: Thank you, men. -I don't know, Klinger.

It still seems so empty.

There's still something missing.

It's this bench. There's no wino.

Tonight I'll go to the Officers Club and rent you one.

No, no, no, we need oomph, pizzazz.

It's gotta look more parkish.

Like maybe a statue.

Or maybe even better, a fountain.

Where are you gonna get a fountain in a medical unit?

That's right. We're a medical unit!

Klinger, you're brilliant!

What's up, Doc? Can I talk to you?

-Sure. Kim Han, right? -Yeah.

I hear people say you're a top-notch doctor.

Obviously some pretty smart people.

You got a problem?

I want an operation.

I have plenty of loot to pay.

What kind of an operation?

I wanna have eyes like Americans?

Come on. You're kiddin', right?

I'm very serious.

What's wrong with having eyes like a Korean?

Koreans are little squirts.

Americans are real tough.

I wanna be like them.

Like you. Like John Wayne.

-Look, Kim Han -Please, Doc!

I think about this for a long time.

Then you know that having an eye operation

isn't going to change who you are.

-It will change how I look. -To whom?

To Korean women.

They think American guys are real dreamboats.

Uh-huh.

Please, Doc, will you help me?

Sorry, pal.

Come on, Doc. Give me a break.

I am. Believe me, I am.

Have it your way. I'll go to the 8063rd MASH.

Someone there will fix me up.

Hey, you know what I heard?

Tomorrow, we're getting fresh milk.

I would have been thrilled with fresh powder.

We gotta get a punching bag for the Swamp.

What?

And this kid is just one of thousands

who think the road to happiness

leads straight to America.

If we stay here much longer,

we'll have all of Korea disoriented.

Of course, Koreans aren't the only ones

unhappy with their eyes.

Am I ever gonna see again?

Tell me the truth, sir.

I'm a marine. I can take it.

We can't tell yet, son. Maybe.

Maybe.

-I'm not crying. -I know you're not.

Poor kid. What happened to him?

He got blind drunk on a fifth of booze

only he didn't know it was methyl alcohol.

That homemade hooch will kill ya.

He should have stuck with an American brand.

He thought he did,

but the local moonshiners have come up

with a new trick.

They drill a hole in the bottom of the bottle

and drain out the good stuff

-and reseal it with wax. -Boy, that stinks.

How'd you like some company?

Oh, Major, sure. Park it.

That's quite a king-size meal

you've got there.

I love American eats.

Spaghetti is tops.

Besides, I'm getting ready to hit the road.

Well, you sure were a big help to us, Kim Han.

-You're a fine young man. -Thank you.

I sure can use the dough you paid me.

Uh-huh. I bet you're gonna buy yourself

some sharp new clothes

to look good for the girls, huh?

No.

Oh, you don't have to be modest with me.

How could they keep their hands

off a dreamboat like you?

I'm not good looking.

Not like the American G.I.s.

Are you kidding?

You should have seen some of those guys when they were your age.

-Why? -Because.

They were clumsy young boys

and very shy with girls.

And, well, compared to them,

you're Tyrone Power.

-I am? -Sure.

And things just get better. Boys become men.

I'd like to see you in a couple of years, tiger.

Oh, what a lady-killer you're gonna be.

Hey, kid, the truck's ready to leave for the 8063rd.

Oh, no, maybe I'll catch the next one.

Well, good luck to you, Kim Han.

You not eat your dinner.

Oh, no, I have this diet.

I look at our food, and I lose my appetite.

Doctors, this is Captain Broz of the Turkish Army.

He's here to see you.

How do you do, Captain? I'm Dr. Winchester.

This is Dr. Pierce.

You have Turk soldier here, no?

I wish to see.

Yeah, he's right there. Second bed. He just has a wounded foot.

-I know. -Friendly guy.

Yes. The sort of thing Clyde Beatty

brings back alive, huh?

Kellye, when do you get off duty?

In just a few minutes, Doctor. What do you have in mind?

A fast game of post office.

This is finally signed and sealed,

and I'd like it delivered to the outgoing mail department.

-Would you do the honors? -It would be an honor.

The Harry S. Truman?

Hey, hey, hey! Keep it down.

There are people trying to sleep in India.

What is the meaning of this tumult?

He is stinking rotten dog droppings.

Oscar Wilde couldn't have said it better.

Doctor, tell him I do not shoot myself to get out of duty.

-Shoot yourself? No, no, no. -I know the truth!

Gun! Gun! Watch it, fella!

-He is a coward! I must kill him! -Everybody down!

Couldn't you just slap the kid? That was good enough for Patton.

-Charles, where are you? CHARLES: I'm not telling anybody!

Grab the gun or bite the bullet.

-Gun! -No! Watch it! Watch it!

Get him up! Get him up!

Up you go! Up you go!

-Up we go. There's a good maniac. -I will kill you both!

Give me a break, will ya, fella?

Dying on duty is a court-martial offense.

He is jackal! Worthless!

To shoot him is to shoot nothing.

You jerk, he didn't shoot himself.

We can tell by the angle of the wound.

Liars! Friend of a snake!

HAWKEYE: Charles, watch it!

Now that's what a self-inflicted wound looks like.

And I want you to know my people busted their keisters

to get this beautification business done.

Worked harder than a woodpecker in a petrified forest.

What do you think, sir?

-I like it. -How's that?

Did he say he liked it?

I couldn't hear. Does he like it?

I'd like him to like it.

-Yes, sir, I do like it. -You hear that, Klinger!

Yes, sir, you've done yourself proud.

This thing is ingenious as all get-out.

Well, the bon mots go to Major Houlihan.

She's the one who gave our beauty spot its pizzazz.

MARGARET: Yeah, well, thank you, sir.

But I couldn't have done it

without my foreman and my crew.

Thanks, boss. Men.

You can all pat yourselves on the back.

Because this is what America is all about.

Bedpans.

Colonel, does this mean

our water heater is on its way?

-You can bank on it. -Hooray!

You people need the best equipment possible

so that we can soundly defeat our enemy.

B.J.: Whoever he may be.

HAWKEYE : I know it doesn't make much sense, Harry,

but that's how we got our water heater.

I know you're thinking it's pretty stupid,

but no more so than peace talks

that are all talk and no peace.

I know there's a lot of heat in your kitchen, Harry,

but there's a bunch of tired people here

who don't even know why they're here.

We just miss our families and friends.

All of us only want one thing:

to come home.

Help.

MAN : Attention, all personnel, quit your dreaming.

It's time for the nightmare.

Over here!

Over here!

No, no, not there!

Oh.

Klinger, has the mail gone out yet?