Original subtitles

Lastly, we're runnin' low on surgical gowns.

Get three cartons.

Those gowns are as good as got, sir.

-How about matching pumps?

You wanna answer that, Corporal Dior?

House of Potter. Uh-oh.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Just a minute, sir.

General Torgeson at Logistics and Support, sir.

Torgy Porgy. Shows ya.

No matter how overcast a day,

there's always room for one more black cloud.

Torgy! Long time no hear.

Sure. What's on your mind?

Uh-huh. Our tent flap is always open to you G-4 guys.

You too, Torgy. Best to your latest missus.

Didn't I tell you four would be your lucky number?

Oh.

Well, five is a good number too.

-Visitors, huh?

You want me to sweep the dust under the dirt in the VIP Tent?

I guess you better.

Torgy is sending up a Major Nathaniel Burnham

to eyeball us for a couple of days.

What's Logistics and Support nosin' around here for?

Oh, I'm sure Torgy's just bored.

Whenever there's a lull in his paperwork,

he sends someone out on a loose-thread patrol.

Then he tugs and hopes I'll unravel.

Why?

He and I came out of the cavalry together

then we both went into med school.

Four years later I was a doctor...

and he was just four years older.

- He washed out, huh? -With bleach.

His I.Q. is lower than his boot size.

But the army had enough savvy to put him

in a job where he couldn't do any harm.

Made him a general, Medical Administration.

Well, as my uncle Amos used to say,

those who can't manage those who can.

One of his employees made that up for him.

This manager's telling you to give that talker

a tickle and requisition those supplies.

Yes, boss.

How do, H.Q.? 4077, Klinger here.

We need surgical gowns.

What do you mean, no?

Our doctors have operations to go to and nothing to wear.

Of course this is an emergency.

In case you haven't heard,

President Truman has declared

this whole emergency an emergency.

Yeah, I suppose we got enough to last us for a week.

What's the holdup?

Classified?

So, this three-star at G-4 is sending

Burnham here just to observe.

When are they gonna declare this war

off-limits to sightseers?

The colonel says there's nothing to worry about.

He gets this kind of stuff

from General Torgeson all the time.

General Edwin Torgeson?

You know Torgy Porgy?

We're old pen pals.

His signature is on the orders that sent me to this place.

He's a MASH-maker.

Another shower for my olives.

Just a minute, Captain.

Are you saying General Torgeson is in charge

of putting new MASH units together?

Exactly. He's built them all from his own black-and-blueprints.

This is terrible.

I'm sorry. Next time I'll order a Manhattan.

No, you don't understand.

H.Q. has placed a temporary freeze

on all medical supplies and they're not saying why.

I said, "Sounds like you got enough stuff there

to start another MASH unit."

Well, they do, and they're gonna!

I hope not. Too many of these can run down a neighborhood.

Captain, this ain't funny.

It means they're gonna split up the 4077.

They're gonna take the best people from here to form the new MASH.

Klinger, don't let your imagination run away with me.

Oh, sure, what do you care? You're only a doctor.

It's guys like me they're gonna grab first.

Lebanese corporals?

I may be a mere corporal to you, but to the army,

I am an indispensable five-star scrounge.

And if that's not bad enough,

Colonel Potter gave me a good efficiency report

for this month. What a rotten trick!

Klinger, calm down. This is all in your head,

which doesn't put it in the best of company.

I'm glad you find my agony so amusing,

but I wouldn't last a day with an unreasonable C.O.

Who treats clerks like clerks.

Do me a favor. Keep these silly rumors to yourself.

Somebody's liable to take this seriously.

I'm telling you, Beej. This is serious.

It means they're forming a whole new MASH.

Since when do you put your faith

in the gospel according to Max Klinger?

I told Klinger he was wrong,

because if he knew how right he was,

he'd have this whole place in a panic.

So what do we do?

For starters, you can give me some more soap.

-You know what this means? -Soap.

Means they're gonna be trying to seed this new MASH

with the best of the best.

That means I'll be chief surgeon.

Oh, ho ho. Wrong on two counts.

First of all, there isn't going to be any new unit.

Secondly, even if there was,

what makes you think you'd be chief surgeon?

Well, I'm chief surgeon here.

Hawk, sometimes you've got a head as big as all outdoors.

Did it ever occur to you that you're chief surgeon here

only because you got here first?

Maybe they put me here first because I'm the best.

Let me try this one out on you.

If they made you chief surgeon at the new unit,

that'd make me chief surgeon here.

Now, wouldn't it be simpler if they just made me

chief surgeon at the new unit?

What difference does it make who's chief surgeon what where?

Because I'm just as capable of being chief whatever wherever as you are.

Either way, they're gonna separate us,

and you're my best friend.

I never got along this well with anybody, you moron!

Well, that goes double for me, stupid!

So what are we gonna do?

They're gonna take somebody from here.

And it's gonna be one of us.

Unless...

-As long as you have to be here,

you might as well be where you can do some good.

Hey, I didn't say I was gonna do it.

Just let me dream, will ya?

You gotta admit it's a tantalizing thought.

True. But sitting around in a plush office,

prescribing hangover remedies for generals

and their wives is a waste of talent.

Gentlemen, am I to infer from your conversation

that you are contemplating a change of venue from these trials?

Nah. We heard there's a major going from unit to unit

trying to find a personal surgeon for General Torgeson.

It's probably just a rumor.

Now that you mention it,

there is a Major Burnham due to arrive tomorrow.

Burnham. Is that the name we heard?

-Burnham? Yeah, Burnham. -Yeah, that could be it.

Did I understand you to say you are not

going to throw your stethoscopes into the ring?

Nah, Charles. I've had offers like this before.

That kind of society doctoring is not for me.

Me, neither. I couldn't live with myself.

And there are a lot of soldiers around here

who couldn't live without myself.

You are both men of principle and justifiably so.

You certainly wouldn't want to join the mob of people

who will no doubt be sucking up to Major Burnham, now would you?

There's not exactly a mob. It's a secret mission.

Everybody thinks he's here on a fact-finding tour.

-Nobody knows to suck up to him. -Almost nobody.

Torgy Porgy?

I take it, then, you do know him?

Oh, we've--

Yes, we've met, once, i-in a meeting.

What, uh... What were your impressions of him?

He's very athletic. I mean, he loves boxing.

Boxing. How apropos.

A fighting man who likes... fighting.

Do you happen to remember where he's from?

Montana, I think.

Ah, yes. Montana. Big Sky country.

Why are you so interested in General Torgeson?

I thought it would be nice to gather information about him.

After all, his aide is coming here tomorrow.

General Torgeson is--

-is sending somebody here? -Yes.

Tell me more about, uh, Montana.

Does it have a city?

Charles, I can't talk to you now. I'm very busy.

I have to prepare my duty roster.

A new MASH? How wonderful.

It'll relieve some of the terrible strain on our doctors.

Wonderful? Oh, Father,

why do you always see the good side of things?

-This is awful. -Why?

Why? If you're gonna start up a MASH unit,

the first thing you need is a commanding officer.

Wasn't Colonel Blake already here when we were assigned?

Yes, you're right, God rest his soul.

But what makes you so certain they'll take the colonel?

General Torgeson and the colonel go way back.

He knows how good Colonel Potter is.

And once this Burnham sees our unit running so smoothly,

it's bye-bye the sweetest man who ever lived

and hello who-knows-who.

Not a very rosy prospect.

But-- But it seems to me it's out of our hands.

Oh, Father, stop seeing the bad side of things.

We're gonna have to find a way to convince this Burnham

that Colonel Potter is the wrong man for the job.

I'm afraid I find it very difficult to lie.

I'd have to confess to myself, and I can be very harsh.

Don't worry about that. I'll take care of the lying.

Your job is to keep Colonel Potter away from Major Burnham.

Are you asking me to be an accessory to a fabrication?

Yes.

I guess I can live with that.

The most important thing

is not to let anyone know what's going on.

You know how rumors get blown up all out of proportion.

Excuse me. I'm looking for Colonel Potter.

You're excused. You've found him.

Ah. Might I venture a guess

-that you're Major Burnham? -Sir.

So tell me, how is Torgy?

Ornery as ever.

Oh, yeah?

You should have known him

when he was still married to Edna.

And they called WWII the big war.

-Oh, Colonel. You're awake. -Huh?

You must be Major Burnham.

-I'm Major Houlihan. -Major.

-This is Father Mulcahy. -Father.

We've got the VIP tent all gussied up for you.

Uh, if it's all right with you, Colonel,

I'd rather bunk with your surgeons.

I find it's easier to observe

when there are other people around.

Darn good observation.

Come on. I'll personally--

Oh, Colonel, wait. You can't go.

I have to talk to you.

I'll be back in two shakes.

Uh, I don't think this can wait.

Oh, don't worry, Colonel. I'll escort the major.

Thank you. Colonel.

Now then, Padre, you've got some sort of burr in your saddle blanket?

Not exactly the metaphor I would have chosen,

but, uh, I do have something on my mind.

You see, I have... been paid a great honor

by the Philadelphia archdiocese.

Ah. "Hometown padre makes good" kind of thing?

It's more like being enshrined in a priests' Hall of Fame.

They want to hang my portrait along their...

Ecclesiastical Esplanade.

Well, congrats. Sounds almighty impressive.

Yes, it is a bit overwhelming.

And I want you to paint the official portrait.

I'd be honored. I'll get to it next week.

Oh, no, sir. No, it can't wait.

Uh, this must be done with godspeed.

Now, here's how I see it:

me with, uh, clouds in the background

and heavenly light streaming down from above.

You want me to fix it so you wink when folks walk by?

...and as somebody who has known Colonel Potter

since the day he got here,

I can tell you he's a wonderful man.

Yes, I know. He certainly has an excellent reputation.

Sharp as a tack.

And you caught him at the perfect time,

just after his morning nap.

Well, Colonel Potter isn't exactly a youngster anymore.

Ah, right. Not like some of those young officers,

always coming up with innovations, always changing things.

He's a little old-fashioned, huh?

Absolutely not. He's cautious, thorough.

When he makes a decision, you can trust it.

Why only last month he gave us the go-ahead

to fight infection with penicillin.

Slim-slam alabam.

Blessings, Major and Majorette.

-What is this? -A thousand pardons.

In my religion, this is the month of the sacred bull.

I wish to invite you

to my midnight prayer service in the minefields.

Is this man on our side?

Corporal Klinger, Maxwell Q.

U.S. 19571782.

It's all right here, sahib.

Klinger, get out of our way.

That's an order!

Think about it, Majors.

The minefield service is an uplifting experience.

-Klinger! -May your life be free of snakes.

Sh-boom be with you.

-This way. -What's with him?

Oh, don't pay any attention.

He's just a nut trying to get out of the army.

Colonel Potter permits this sort of thing?

Well, only since Klinger converted him.

And if you hear rumors of senility,

don't pay any attention to them.

No, we haven't heard anything about that down in Seoul.

Of course you haven't, because they're 90% not true.

-This bunk is yours. -Thank you, Major.

Oh, and if you have any further questions,

I'm sure Colonel Potter will be happy to answer them.

He's very alert after his afternoon nap.

How often does he nap?

Oh, whenever he remembers.

I got it. Here, boy. Here, boy.

Get him. Get him.

-That's a good boy. -We're okay.

Ah, you must be Major Burnham. I'm Hunnicutt.

B.J. Hunnicutt.

Captain Pierce and our top dog.

This mean you're bunking with us?

I thought it'd be an interesting experience.

I understand you fellas are terrific doctors

who don't exactly go by the book.

What do you mean? Sure we do.

Only our book has pictures of naked people playing volleyball.

Oh, and here is someone who needs no introduction.

Major Charles Emerson Winchester, Major Burnham.

Ah, Major Burnham. This is indeed a pleasure.

Well, now that you two have met, uh, we have to be off.

We're taking our dog to dinner.

Taking our... dog...

-Do that. -Dinner.

I hope you don't mind. Colonel Potter said

it'd be all right if I bunked with you surgeons.

Well, a-actually surgery is my subspecialty.

My real forte is diseases of the aged-but-not-yet-retired.

So who do you like in the next Saddler-Pep bout?

You're talking about boxing, right?

Ah, it's in my blood.

Yes, sir, they're two of the finest featherweights

who ever laced on gloves.

Think it'll be a K.O.,

or will they go the distance there?

You know, General Torgeson's a big boxing fan.

-No kidding? -Talks about it all the time.

Me too. Graziano, Schmeling, Louis.

All like gods to me.

The general drives me nuts with that fight junk.

Of course there's more to life

than just the squared circle, you know,

like sitting around a campfire

just outside beautiful Butte,

eating... beans

after a hard day of sheep ranching.

I've never done that. I'm from Detroit.

You know, I've always hankered to ride the range in a Buick.

So tell me,

what do you think is-- is the key to the 4077?

Turnover.

As fine a place as this is,

it's, uh, it's time to move on,

discover new vistas.

I think my surgical skills would take a giant leap

if I were to find a new locale.

What about Pierce and Hunnicutt?

They've been here even longer.

Anybody needs a change, they do.

That's very interesting.

-I have always-- -Excuse me, gentlemen.

I was supposed to meet Colonel Potter here for dinner.

-Have you seen him? -No, I haven't.

Oh, then he must be eating on Sophie.

Oh, that's his horse.

He loves to spend as many hours

in the saddle as he can.

It's a habit from his old cavalry days.

He's been doing it since, oh, 1918.

I'd better go check.

He loves an after-dinner nap,

and sometimes he falls off.

Your colonel seems to have some rather strange habits.

Well, I don't think there's anything too unusual about him.

She's a might peculiar, though.

Enough of this idle chitchat. As I was saying--

Stop this!

Stop this eating at once!

It is written in the sacred testaments

of our forefathers and foremothers

that on the fourth day of the new moon

we shall abstain from all our worldly pleasures.

Spam!

It is the devil's work!

Praise our holy leader. Sh-boom.

Now then, I'm sure General Torgeson would agree

that I have been at the fair too long.

Let me elucidate. You see--

This looks delicious! Oh.

B.J.: Don't you just love it

-when it's rare this way? -Oh, yeah.

Isn't that the collar that was on the... dog?

Yeah. Pass the pepper, will ya?

There you go. Sure.

-How can you? -Are you kiddin' me?

In Korea, dog's a delicacy.

-When in Rome... -Here, you want some?

-Mmm... -Oh, smell this. Just smell it.

-Mmm. -Isn't that great?

Oh!

Padre, I'm comin' down with a case of Rembrandt's elbow.

What say we knock off for now and toss down

a few toddies at the "O" Club?

No! I mean,

well, I'm sorry to be such a harsh taskmaster,

but they need this painting pretty R.Q.S.

-Huh? -That's Latin for P.D.Q.

...7, 38...

- Major, another drink? - Thank you, I'm fine.

Then how 'bout a little leftover bow-wow chow?

Captain, please...

We put it in a doggie bag.

Docs, a patient just came in.

He's in real bad shape. They need you in pre-op.

-Aw. -Oh, for crying out loud!

No, this is what I've been waiting for.

Do you mind if I tag along?

Ah, you might as well.

Don't you hate it when they come

right in the middle of happy hour?

Ah.

Uh-oh. That looks pretty bad, Hawk.

I'm afraid we're gonna have to resect.

Resect? Aw, geez.

That takes forever. I got a date tonight.

You can't walk out on an operation because of a lousy date.

It's with Gwen.

Well, goody for you. You expect me to do this myself?

All right, all right, all right.

We'll pack him off for now.

We'll finish him in the morning.

-Igor, get him into O.R. -Right.

Ah, what the hell. I got laundry to do anyway.

HAWKEYE: Scrub, scrub, scrub. That's all we ever do.

I've never understood why washing your hands is so important

when the minute you're finished, you cover 'em up with gloves.

Yeah. I mean, what is that?

It's too late, Captains. We've lost him.

The patient is dead?

No. We just don't know where he is.

How could you lose a patient between pre-op and O.R.?

We tried a shortcut.

I just can't work with these people.

-What are you doing? -I'm going back to our tent.

But there's a wounded man around here someplace.

You gotta find him, get him into O.R.!

Sorry, we're in medicine, not transportation.

You're gonna get in a lot of trouble for this, Pierce.

Uh-uh! Until he hits the operating table,

we're not responsible.

Igor, this is on your head!

You go look for him. If you find him, let me know.

-I'll be in the laundry room. -I'll be incommunicado.

-That does it! -What's the matter?

What's the matter?

I always heard this unit was a little strange,

but at least when it came to medicine,

you were supposed to be thorough professionals.

I'm chief surgeon here.

Are you tryin' to tell me I don't know my job?

Where's your compassion, your humanity?

What happened to the Hippocratic oath?

-Oh, ho, ho, ho. You get him? -Oh.

I'll bet he's one of those guys that's seen all the Dr. Kildare movies.

Look, Burnham, this is not some antiseptic stateside hospital.

This is war. This is hell.

It stinks. It's filthy.

-Can I borrow your cologne tonight? -Mm-hmm.

Trade you for a couple of clothespins.

I got a couple of clothespins.

♪ Got a date with an angel ♪

-Greens, greens...

-Greens. -Rest assured

General Torgeson's gonna hear about all of this

-the minute I get back. -You're leaving now?

-Yes, I am! -Oh. Wait... Wait a minute.

These are yours. Thanks.

If you'd like, I'll wash 'em and send 'em down to you.

MAN : Attention, all personnel.

Incoming wounded.

Drop your flasks and grab your masks.

Sorry, Major. You have to move your jeep.

We have to use this area for triage.

-Okay. -Come on!

Hey, didn't I just see y--

Several clamps handy, please.

Sponges, please.

HAWKEYE: Give me some more retraction

and pack it down with lap sponges.

B.J.: Give me suction in the pericardium.

Boy, just when you think everything's going your way,

the war drops in without knocking.

Hey, we can hold our heads high. We gave it our worst.

CHARLES: If you'd care to step over here, Major.

This very difficult diagnosis.

The patient's wounds are not at all

what they first appear to be.

Seems to be a lot of that going around.

Kocher clamp. Play your cards right,

you could be head nurse at a new MASH unit.

The chief surgeon and I are on a same-name basis.

POTTER: Let's get this bleeding stopped pronto.

Klinger! Another unit.

Way ahead of you, sir. I already got it.

The old man really runs a tight ship, doesn't he?

Long as he has a week to rest up,

he's great one day in a row.

But you don't understand.

Burnham saw how perfect I was in there.

Maybe I could plead temporary sanity.

Oh, Klinger. You're crazy.

They don't want you for a new MASH. They want the colonel.

Take him, leave him. What's the difference?

Without the colonel, I'm just another religious fanatic.

Let me say this one last time right before I say good-bye.

It's me who'll be going. They need a chief surgeon.

Unless they want the best surgeon,

in which case it's me who's going.

Your humility is just one of the things

I'm gonna miss about you.

Who cares? The point is they're breaking us up

and we'll never be the same again.

-Yeah. -Uh...

I just told Colonel Potter and Major Winchester,

and I want to tell the rest of you.

You're terrific. You can all be proud of yourselves.

-Oh, go suck a combat boot. -Margaret!

-Took the boot right out of my mouth. -That's tellin' him.

I'm not going anywhere, and neither is he, sir.

I admire your loyalty, son.

Now if I just knew what you were talking about.

Excuse me, Colonel. I think some of your people

may have misconstrued what I'm doing here.

-Maybe I'd better explain. -Yes, Major. Please do.

Plain and simply, we're forming a new MASH.

MASH?

To serve our needs closer to the front.

We'd always heard this organization

marched to a different drummer.

Well, I suppose you gotta be crackers

not to go nuts in a pressure cooker like this.

We had all the suspense we need in O.R.

Why don't you drop the other shoe and get it over with?

-The other shoe? -The one you're gonna use

to kick somebody out of here into the new MASH.

What? You're crazier than I thought.

We'd never split up the 4077.

It's hard enough in this army to find something that works.

Once you do, you don't mess with it.

Pulling somebody outta here

would be like breaking up the Yankees.

Sh-boom be praised!

Now you see? Let this be a lesson to you.

Never believe idle gossip.

Especially when it comes from an idle gossip.

I was only here observing how this organization

runs so we could copy it, not rip it apart.

Well, that certainly will be a comfort to my disciples.

Colonel, aren't you relieved to find out

the real reason he was here?

Hell, I knew it all along, but I wasn't about

to let you folks in on it.

First thing you know,

you'd all go off half-cocked

and act like a bunch of jackasses.

-Oh, sir.

I'm surprised at you.

-Come on.

Let's see it, Colonel. Defrock the painting.

Okay, okay.

You're all familiar with Whistler's Mother.

Now say how do to Potter's Father.

Oh, that's great. Look, Leo.

Oh, holy mackerel. That's really something.

Father, this should be on a stained-glass window.

Or a stamp.

Can't even see where the little numbers were.

Will you yahoos can the comments?

Now tell me the truth, Padre.

You think this'll make it in the Holy Walk of Fame?

Oh, it-- it won't be going to Philadelphia.

Oh.

The Archdiocese decided

an esplanade would be a bit too showy,

so they're going with wallet-sized photos on a bulletin board.

I understand perfectly, Padre.

Being a pinup ain't proper for a priest.

Actually it's all for the better, Colonel,

because you worked so hard on it,

I-I'd like you to keep it.

Why thank you, Padre.

I'm gonna put it right here.

And with you always keepin' an eye on me,

I'll have to stay on the straight and narrow.

I find your trust in me very moving.

I can't deceive you any longer.

There's something I must confess.

-Oh! -What is it, Padre?

Uh, I-I think it would look better...

over there.