Original subtitles

♪ Shrimp boats are a-comin'

♪ Their sails are in sight

-Are you hit? -No, I'm okay.

It's her stomach. She's been having pains.

Well, well. Since when did they put a stewardess on this run?

She's with the U.S.O. Medic thinks it's her appendix.

That must be Marina's troupe.

Hello! Anybody home?

That's Brandy Doyle, the stripper.

How would you know?

I saw her picture in Lifemagazine.

Uh, fully clothed.

It is you! Fast Freddie Nichols,

the funniest man ever to set foot on his ankles.

Many's the time you've beguiled

this wide-eyed young doughboy

back in K.C. in the old Gaiety Theater.

You caught my act?

Heck. One time I caught your garter.

-How are you feeling? -Great.

Thanks to a certain wonderful doctor I know.

Oh, I'll bet you say that

to all the wonderful doctors you know.

I mean it.

Hey, you were just supposed to take out her appendix,

not steal her heart.

That was G2 on the phone.

There's an all-out offensive.

All roads are restricted to troop convoys only.

Nobody can leave. You've been held over.

Hey, Freddie.

Yeah, huh?

Shake!

Make sure we've got plenty of plasma, penicillin, bandages.

Order everything times three.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Colonel, there's gotta be some way to get out of here.

Mr. Nichols, let me put this in show folks' lingo.

There's people out there knockin' 'em dead.

Unless you want your next review

to be in the obituaries,

you'll just have to set here a spell.

But we gotta wind up this tour on schedule,

or in army folks' lingo, my club date in Hoboken

is gonna be right down the latrine.

I've been to Hoboken. You're better off here.

You don't understand.

This could cost me the chance of a lifetime.

My agent says it's the perfect showcase

for Toast of the Town.

What's that?

What's that? Ed Sullivan!

The really big "shew."

-You all right, son? -Oh!

Look, unless this Toast of the Townfeller's

got scrambled eggs on his cap, you're plumb outta luck.

-How's he doing? -Vital signs are stable.

How you feeling, Nowicki?

Has he spoken at all?

No, not a word.

Okay, pal.

If you don't feel like talking, I understand.

But if you change your mind, my number is "Hey, doc."

I will open with...five.

Hey, take it easy. That stuff doesn't grow on trees, you know.

Hey, B. J., what's the matter with him?

War's got his tongue.

Sherm!

-Hi, Sherm. -Howdy, ma'am.

Sorry about the extended engagement.

I know this ain't exactly the Great White Way.

Oh, it's not the place. It's the people.

I thought maybe you and I could get together and have a drink.

I gotta warn you, if you want to keep your insides

lookin' as good as your outsides,

you better stay away from the rotgut they serve around here.

Oh, don't worry about me.

I've had whiskey that'd put hair on your glass.

Say, come to think of it,

I've got a bottle of 12-year-old scotch

I've been saving for a dry day.

Oh, Sherm, your best scotch?

You oughta save that for a special occasion. I don't want to be--

Well, this is special. It isn't every day I get to rub elbows,

let alone bend 'em, with a celebrity.

How about the Officers Club?

12-year-old scotch in the Officers Club?

You'd be amazed how many friends

and how little booze you'll have.

I guess you're right.

Maybe we better sip the firewater in my wigwam.

Why, Sherman Potter!

Oh, well, n-no, I--I ju--

-I'll be there at 8:00. -I--I--

I--I--I--I--

Hey, Sarah.

I'm emceeing at a red-hot bingo game

in the Officers Club later.

-Care to join us? -No, thanks, Father.

Not much fun being stuck in the middle of nowhere, is it?

Oh, it's not that.

Now it looks like I may never get

to the 121st evac hospital.

Why is that so important?

Her brother was killed in combat near here.

He died at the 121st.

-I'm sorry. -To think I've come all this way

to go home empty-handed.

What do you mean? I don't understand.

What are you looking for? Maybe we can help.

Well, most importantly, a pair of ballet shoes.

My brother was in love with a ballerina,

and they had planned to get married.

And the night before he shipped out,

she gave him a pair of her toe shoes,

and he treasured them as his only link to her.

When his effects were returned, the shoes weren't among them.

I thought if I could find them,

his fiancée and I would have a memory of him we could share.

You know, Sarah, if you never received the shoes,

chances are they were either lost or stolen

before they ever reached the 121st.

What kind of an injury did your brother have, Sarah?

A head wound.

They usually send the neurosurgical cases

to the 8063rd.

I know the chaplain there.

I could call him and ask him about the shoes.

Where's Marina?

Oh, she wanted to visit,

so I flagged down the first wheelchair that came by.

I bet there are a lot of things you're lookin' forward to

when you get home, huh, Michael?

Well, what I'm lookin' forward to most

is a big bite of a Golden Delicious apple.

Not an ordinary apple like you get in the market.

I'm from Washington State,

where we pluck 'em right off the tree.

They're so...fresh

that they crackle when you sink your teeth into 'em.

And inside, snow white.

Thought it couldn't hurt to try.

If I was an apple,

I'd want you to deliver my eulogy.

Listen to her, Nowicki. She'll keep the doctor away.

Thanks for trying, Marina.

He didn't say anything,

but I think maybe he heard me.

Now that you're on the case,

maybe he'll start showing signs of showing signs.

-You were terrific. -Thanks.

Mm, Mm-mm.

What's the matter?

I think you may be pushing your recovery a little bit.

Oh, Hawkeye, I feel fine.

Yeah, well, your lips may have a relapse.

They're not even on solid food yet.

Try to get some sleep.

Hey, doc?

Will you tell her that I like apples too?

Yeah, sure.

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

I didn't have a thing to wear.

Wow! I'll show you in

just as soon as I can let go of the door.

Oh, I think I can find my way.

Didn't realize you were gonna wear your Class A's.

Well, it was a choice of this or my working clothes,

and I figured it was a little bit chilly for them.

That's funny. I was just beginning to notice how warm it is.

Well, enough about the weather.

How would you like to offer a lady a belt?

Oh. Comin' right up.

Now, watch this stuff.

It's got more kick than the Rockettes.

How about a toast?

To two old war horses.

May your tassels soon twirl in peacetime.

Amen.

Ooh, Sherm, this is good.

Not enough O's in "smooth" to describe this.

He's right here. Hold on, Chaplain.

Charlie, there's a young woman here with a U.S.O. troupe

who's trying to locate her brother's personal effects.

He was a K.I.A.

Well, primarily, a pair of ballet shoes.

No, no, they were kind of a keepsake.

I'd appreciate it if you could check your lost and found.

Well, if you find them, please call me here.

Uh, thanks, Charlie. Bye-bye.

Well, he'll do what he can.

Thanks.

-Beautiful!

What's the matter, Major?

Didn't I soothe your savage breast?

No offense, Miss Carlyle,

but I've always been of the opinion

that squeezing is a technique

best suited to making orange juice, not music.

Oh. My, you do have a way with arrogance.

Well, I've just never been a devotee

of musical instruments that one has to wear.

Oh! This old thing.

-Here, hold my wrap. -I don't want to h--

Maybe I should, uh, try a little of this?

Going to favor us with a selection of boogie-woogie?

Any other requests from the boogie man?

I am sorry, Eleanor.

I had no idea you were so versatile.

Why are you wasting your time with that overgrown concertina?

I like to eat.

Play something we can dance to.

No, no, no, no, no! Don't listen to those boors.

Oh, come on, Major.

Doesn't it get lonely up there in your ivory tower?

Even Dvorak and Brahms wrote folk dances, you know.

-I--

Come on, Major. You wanna dance?

I thought you'd never ask.

It's a good thing that stuff is almost gone.

Any more and we could get swizzled.

A toast.

To twirling tassels.

Oh, you know, Sherm,

it's a shame we didn't meet back in those days of K.C.

We could have had one whizbang of a blowout.

Oh, when I first caught a glimpse of you

and your no-nonsense ways,

that sparkle in your eye...

Oh, I like a man who's been pushed around a little by life

and who just pushes right back.

Oh, Sherm, you got spunk.

About this priest in Dublin--

a parishioner, Mr. O'Malley, comes to him, and he says,

"Father Casey, you've got to help me out."

So Father Casey says to O'Malley,

"You'll have plenty to feed your ten children

if you plant potatoes in the spring,

"corn in the summer, cabbage in the fall,

and let your wife decide what to do

in the cold winter months."

Then O'Malley says, "Father, you don't understand."

"That's how I got the ten kids in the first place."

How did you know that? I just wrote it.

Fat chance, Groucho. That's a seminary standard.

The First Commandment of comedy

is "Thou Shalt Not Steal."

Now, would you try to get the 8063rd again?

Sure, Father. Boy, everybody's a comedian.

Hello, Sparky.

Is this a bad connection,

or are you eating breakfast cereal?

Breakfast cereal. Never mind.

Uh, I want to get through to the 8063rd.

Oh. Hold on.

Communications blackout.

I'll bet you there's a Red Chinese

with a copy of Berlitz eavesdropping on every phone.

A regular Communist party line.

I have to find out if there's any word on the ballet shoes.

-Sorry, Father. -Bother!

Just wanted to make sure you were decent.

I've got a surprise for you.

Hi.

He insisted on returning your visit.

Hi, Michael.

I like my friends to call me Mike.

Okay. Mike.

Are they treatin' you okay?

Nothing to worry about, Mike.

I got the greatest doctor in the world.

Well, that's good.

And if they start givin' you a hard time,

just tell 'em they'll have to answer to Nowicki.

How about that? Words are coming out.

His lips are moving, and nobody has a hand in his back.

Nice, huh? From no talk to sweet talk.

She's just amazing.

I'd like to prescribe a few minutes with her

to every kid who comes through here.

MAN : Attention! Incoming wounded!

Hurry while there's still a wide selection

of models and colors to choose from.

We'll have a lot of prescriptions for her to fill.

You're gonna be okay, Private.

Nothing broken, leaking, or AWOL.

Thanks, doc. Oh!

Here.

What's this?

Don't tell me you were wounded at the battle of Swan Lake?

Battalion Aid gave 'em to me.

Said I was supposed to deliver 'em here.

Said they were from the 8063rd.

They found them!

She's always nervous on opening night.

Father Mulcahy! They found them!

That's wonderful! Wonderful!

Sarah! Sarah!

Miss Miller! Sarah, they found them!

KELLYE: Father Mulcahy!

Over here! We need a hand!

Father, where did they come from?

-Hi. -Shh. You'll wake me.

You do look exhausted.

I've been operating since dawn's early light.

This is a very particular crowd.

They want all their insides put back inside.

I just wanted to come by and see how you were feeling

before I went to sleep.

Did I make it?

You're sweet to take such good care of me, Hawkeye.

That's one of the things I wanted to talk to you about.

The travel restrictions have been lifted.

Your friends are going to the 121st evac tomorrow morning.

You'll be able to join them.

Do I really have to go?

Well, we have this whole new batch of wounded.

They're taking numbers for beds.

Well, I could stay in the VIP tent.

I'd be out of everybody's way there

and still near you.

Near me, huh?

You mean a great deal to me.

You don't even know me.

I know enough.

Marina, when you came here,

you were sick.

I--I literally swept you off your feet.

All you see is a miracle man in a white suit.

Oh, come on, Hawkeye. I'm not a kid.

I see who you really are.

All you've seen

is the bedside of my manner.

You haven't seen the bad side.

The real Hawkeye Pierce

is an egotistical, irresponsible martini-guzzler.

Now who's the song and dance man?

Look, I can show you a roomful of women

as lack-of-character witnesses.

I can't--

I can't take advantage of your feelings for me.

And believe me, the thought has crossed my mind.

I'm sorry. I'm not convinced.

Hawkeye--

Marina...

you ought to be back home auditioning for musicals

and--and dating starving young actors...

eating those Delicious apples.

I've seen too much ever to be wide-eyed again.

We're the wrong blood type. We don't match.

Innocence-positive and lechery-negative.

Let me stay. I'll prove you're wrong.

No, no. It's not worth the risk.

Remember, you did ask me not to leave a scar.

Well, Sherm, I guess this is the big good-bye.

Sayonara, Brandy. Sure glad I had a chance to find out

your beauty is more than skin deep.

Too bad we haven't got any more

of that high-class hooch of yours.

Well, at least it gave its life for a good hangover.

Good-bye, Sherm.

Good-bye, Miss Brandy.

If you ever find yourself amblin' through Missouri,

be sure to look me up.

Oh, you bet I will.

Mildred will cook us something special.

Oh.

But in case I don't,

good-bye, Sherm.

MULCAHY: Well, it's almost time to say good-bye, Sarah.

I guess so, Father. Thank you both.

You've given me some wonderful memories.

It'll be a while before we forget you too.

Well, Ellie,

I guess the time has come

to play out the coda to this little etude.

And I suppose we could say good-bye.

Maybe so.

I do look forward to one day seeing you in Boston,

as a guest soloist at Symphony Hall.

Ooh. Then I look forward to seeing you

at your local beer parlor on oom-pah-pah night.

Well, perhaps there's a roll or two left in my barrel.

Shake.

No, no, no. For real, Max.

-For real. -Oh! Yeah. Yeah.

Bye, Mike. You take good care of yourself, okay?

That goes double for you.

I'll look for you on the Hit Parade.

-Bye, doctor. -Bye-bye, Marina.

Thanks for the help. You were wonderful.

All aboard, Marina.

Hey. Send you a postcard from Times Square.

At night, with all the lights.

I'd send you one from the Korean theater,

but it's always the same old story.

Well...

Well, break a leg.

If I do, can you recommend a good doctor?

♪ People of MASH, we adore you ♪

♪ Right from the day we first saw you ♪

♪ This, all I've got, is meant for you ♪

♪ People of MASH, we love you ♪

Okay, people, let's get back to work. The show is over.

-Bye!

Sure does seem quiet around here.

It's the same kind of feeling I used to get

when the circus left town.

We certainly did have our three rings full, didn't we?

All they left us was the tents.

Listen, be grateful. At least they took Freddie

and his stupid jokes, hmm?

KLINGER : Hey.

What's with the lock? I can't get in.

We barred the door, Katie.

Take your act on the road.

But seriously, I've given up comedy.

I realize now my jokes are no laughing matter.

-No more jokes? -No.

-You swear? -Yeah.

Eh, all right.